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Tag Archives: Winter

WAITING FOR SPRING, MUELLER, AND JESUS—NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER

Do you know what I recently discovered?  Lent has started and Easter is less than 40 days away.  Also, March 1st was the start of “meteorological spring,” which should mean that spring is just around the corner. Then someone said that Mueller should be releasing his report soon.  Looks like if any of these things actually show up, it’s going to be a bombastic spring. But all three of these items (spring, Easter, and Mueller) seem to be in jeopardy, if you ask me—if you really want to know.

Cartoon used by permission: Darkow, Columbia Missourian, Cagle Cartoons

I suppose, as a spiritual being, I should really be getting myself prepared for Easter (I haven’t even thought about giving up a thing for Lent—except maybe news coverage about Trump), but I can’t concentrate because the weather is kicking my ass.  According to Joel Achenbach from The Washington Post, spring is going to be delayed because we’ve entered a polar vortex (“the very cold air mass that normally circulates in the Arctic”), and it has broken “into pieces, with a fragment hurtling south and creating dangerously cold conditions in the Lower 48 states.”  I didn’t need Achenbach to tell me that the world seemed to be coming to an end via the weather, all I had to do was look at the weather map.  Snow where no snow has rarely gone, temps going as low as minus 60 degrees in states other than Alaska, floods and tornadoes wiping out entire communities, and rains coming down so frequently that this year is considered the wettest year on record.  It’s beginning to feel like these are the days of Noah.


Although I’m praising God that I don’t live in Minnesota and the Dakotas (recorded 30 – 60 below zero temps last month), California (mudslides), Seattle (record snow), Tennessee (flooding), Alabama and Georgia (tornadoes from Hell), I am really sick and tired of being sick and tired of rain in Virginia.  It has been raining almost nonstop for over a month, and everything is covered in mildew—including my body.  I got so ill from the weather that I became a walking, hacking, sneezing mucus factory.


Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune, PA

About 2 ½ months ago, it started to rain, and in the midst of all that rain, I woke up with an upper respiratory infection that felt like bricks had been piled on top of my head while I was being water-boarded. No matter what I did, I couldn’t rid myself of the symptoms.  No antibiotics helped.  After 20 boxes of tissues, my nose was stripped raw of its skin leaving it too tender to even touch and looking like I had the beginnings of vitiligo on my skinned bulbous.  Scores of chickens were sacrificed at the altar of soup cauldrons to make chicken soup—Jewish penicillin—and I combed the Earth looking for effective cough meds like a junkie looking for her next fix.  My husband was banished to the guest room to escape my incessant hacking cough, and my friends started making the sign of the cross whenever I came into their presence.  Somewhere in the middle of my snot and sneeze tour, I went deaf (WTF!!).  When I dragged myself into the ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor), he came at me with a suction tube on one side of my head and a miniature ice cream scoop on the other. The nurse told me (after reviving me from my fainting spell at the horror of it all), that she and the doc had scoped out a candle factory’s supply of wax in the left ear and sucked out six months’ worth of mucus in the right ear—restoring my hearing within minutes.  In the midst of this torture, Punxsutawney Phil didn’t see his shadow and proclaimed an early spring which has turned out to be a big fat lie, and if I ever get my strength back, I shall hunt him down and open up a can of whup ass on him that he’ll never forget. (Nasty-ass rodent!)


Cartoon used by permission: Darkow, Columbia Missourian, Cagle Cartoons

Having nothing better to do in my snotty state of mind (how much snot can a 70-year-old woman expectorate? Turns out that the answer is: 2 tons!), I started meditating on liars—inspired by Punxsutawney Phil.

According to dictionary.com, a lie is: a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. Something intended or serving to convey a false impression….  Well, clearly my nurse practitioner had lied when she told me the antibiotics and the little translucent cough pills would do the trick and clear my symptoms right up.  In reality, she had no idea her advice would work, but she charged me $234.19 and sent me on my way, anyhow.  I started watching the Cohen testimonies from my sick bed and realized that I was watching a professional liar trying to shed himself of a professional liar who is now our President, while those that still follow him continue to lie to themselves that “Trumpee, Trumpee, he’s our man, if he can’t save us, no one can!”


Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune MN, CagleCartoons

When the Cohen testimonies made me sick at heart, I turned to the coverage of the Vatican’s cover-up through the years about the pedophilia priests in their midst, and immediately erased Pope Francis from my Christmas card list. (Seriously, Francis, I thought you were going to be different than all the other popes, but all you’ve done is talk, talk, talk.  For Christ’s sake:  call the police and throw all those sick pervs in jail.  How hard can that be?)


Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune MN, CagleCartoons

My disappointment in the current Pope really made me really sick at heart, and I thought I couldn’t get any sicker until I watched the four-hour HBO documentary and Oprah’s follow-up interview on Michael Jackson’s alleged years-long serial pedophilia against two of his victims and scores of other children from ages 5 to 14 or so.  This was after I had grooved to a dance mix of “Thriller,” “Bad,” “The Way You Make Me Feel,” and “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough” (suddenly those lyrics take on a whole new meaning!) to try and cheer me up from the stories about pedophilia in the Catholic church. Yuck! Being a Michael Jackson fan, how the hell did I miss this?  If these stories are true, M.J. was one sick fuck. 


Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star, Tucson, AZ

At that point, I turned off the television, crawled under the covers in despair with another bowl of chicken soup and my tissue box and made a declaration that I planned to stay there.  I mean what’s the point of trying to get well when humans are such horrid creatures. (Physical sickness causes me to feel really sorry for myself and very agitated with the world at large.  If you look at me the wrong way, I’ll fling my snot at you.  Be glad I don’t have any magic powers or you’d all be turned into fried frog legs.  God may have had his Noah’s flood, but I’d come at the Earth with a zapping power that would fricassee everybody’s ass who got on my nerves.)

Then I was reminded that Easter was coming soon.  I love Easter!  It’s my favorite high holiday. It is connected to spring, and it reminds me that winter won’t last forever, bad people won’t get away with murdering the hearts of the innocents ad infinitum, and that I need redemption and salvation just as much as those that I’m judging.  As I poked my head from underneath the covers, I began to recite this anonymous prayer I found on the Google machine to ease my aching body and soul:

“Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime.  No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn. Easter is meant to be a symbol of hope, renewal, and new life. For I remember it is Easter morn and life and love and peace are all new born.”—Anonymous

The problem is—with me, as with many others—will we recognize Easter when it shows up?


Cartoon used by permission: Aislin, The Montreal Gazette

***

I’m discovering that I have no idea when the madness—physical, political, sociological, or meteorological—will end.  I just know I’m tired of being sick and tired. (To my horror, I just got in a CNN News bulletin on my phone:  FLU SEASON MAY NOT HAVE PEAKED, AND THERE’S ANOTHER WAVE OF SEVERE INFECTIONS UNDERWAY, CDC SAYS.)   What to do…what to do?  Shall I take the chance and come out from underneath my covers and reenter the world?  Shall I look to the sky in anticipation for spring while hoping and praying for the resurrection of Easter to sweep away the dross of winter from our human hearts—from here to the Vatican on down through the Michael Jackson fans who are threatening violence against the survivors of M.J.’s alleged sexual abuse?  I think so, because if I’ve learned anything, hope does spring eternal and winter never lasts.


Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, PoliticalCartoons.com

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WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS:  Monsters’ Throwdown, Fleeing Oz, The Fetus Chronicles on sale now at Amazon!

***

REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/weather/2019/03/04/historically-cold-march-temperatures-are-freezing-large-part-lower/?utm_term=.72a3d2e4e9af

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/spring-put-on-hold-as-storm-rolls-across-us-and-polar-air-arrives/2019/03/02/2cacafe2-3d0d-11e9-a2cd-307b06d0257b_story.html?utm_term=.d5196785a7e1

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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Nature’s Mom

Do you know what I’ve discovered this week?  I am at war with a woman who has really set my teeth on edge.  She is older than I am and has absolutely no respect for me.  The heifer is constantly all up in my grill with her attitude and unpredictability.   She throws shade at me every chance she can get and disregards my needs, my wants, and my desires.

Today was 70 degrees outside and yesterday wasn’t half bad either.   DC has had two days of spring-like weather after a hellish winter, and all is right with my world.  As I ran errands without a coat, I spontaneously broke into a dance in front of the grocery story as I sang Pharrell Williams’ “Happy” song at the top of my lungs:

“It might seem crazy what I’m about to say,

Sunshine she’s here, you can take a break…

Because I’m happy…”

Warm Pic 1 funnypicturesutopia dot com

Meme courtesy of www.funnypicturesutopia.com

But when I returned home, “Nature’s Mom” (a.k.a. Mother Nature) had  left me a calling card:  the Capital Weather Gang’s report in The Washington Post about the demon weather that is coming my way within the next 16 hours or so—courtesy of this chick who claims to be “nature.”

“Roller coaster Wednesday: Temps to spike then crash, with storms and howling winds . . .”

 “Temperatures plummeting from roughly 70 to 25 degrees in 6 hours in Washington area . . .”

I went out into my backyard and screamed at the heavens:

NATURE’S MOM—SPRING IS ON ITS WAY!  BUDS ARE ON THE TREES IN MY YARD . . . CROCUS (CROCUSES, CROCUSI?) ARE PUSHING THROUGH THE SOIL AT MY FEET.  MY DAFFODILS ARE POKING THEIR LITTLE HEADS UP AND WAVING AT ME.  A BUNNY JUST HOPPED BY.  THE VERNAL EQUINOX STARTS ON MARCH 20TH AT 12:57 P.M. EDT WHICH MEANS SPRING WILL HAVE OFFICIALLY SPRUNG!  WHAT MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED TO CEASE AND DESIST?

Spring Expectations www dot slapcaption dot com

Meme courtesy of www.slapcaption.com

NATURE’S MOM:  Climate change.

ME: Say what?  Who just said that?  Show yourself?

NATURE’S MOM:  Oh, I’ll show myself Wednesday night—don’t you worry about that, Chica.  Right now you’ll just have to put up with my voice in your head. Climate change is driving my agenda.

ME: I don’t even know what climate change is.  I’m just trying to get my mental health to survive here.  Causing these extreme temperatures and horrid wind patterns are a personal issue between you and me, bitch.  I just got over a bad sinus infection; I’ve been stuck in the house for weeks—I need sunshine and warmth—not a lecture!

NATURE’S MOM:  Well, you should know what climate change is—it is your responsibility to know, and it is why I’m out of control all over the Earth—I’m trying to get you and your peeps to WAKE UP!  According to your own EPA site, climate change refers to:

“. . . any significant change in the measures of climate lasting for an extended period of time. In other words, climate change includes major changes in temperature, precipitation, or wind patterns, among other effects, that occur over several decades or longer.”

mother nature al gore

Cartoonist:  Mike Luckovich, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

ME:  Listen, Heifer, this is personal! I have had to escape your clutches ever since I was born.  I wrote about some of your mayhem in my new book Monsters’ Throwdown.  Have you read it?

NATURE’S MOM: Oh please, surely you jest . . .

ME:  Don’t call me Shirley—my name is Eleanor (hee, hee, hee)!

NATURE’S MOM:  What are you, 13?

ME:  WHAT EVER! I’m trying to draw your attention to the times you almost killed me because of your excesses.  I am only concerned about me and the fact that I’m fucking sick of winter—I WANT SPRING TO SPRING!  Do you remember when I was two years old, my hometown of Cleveland was hit with 30 inches of snow from you, and I was stuck in a rat-trap of a house for weeks on end with a schizophrenic mother and barely any food?

NATURE’S MOM:  You remember that?  I thought you were just two years old then. Have you been lying about your age?

Mother Nature memecrunch dot com

ME:  No, others told me about it.  But that’s not the point.  In 1959, you caused so much rain to fall on top of mountains of snow that most of Ohio was flooded.   I had to be rescued from my school via a second floor window into a row-boat.  Do you wonder that I’m afraid of water in my old age?   Oh and here’s a good one:  remember that freak snowstorm you sent to upstate New York in late April during the 70s (late freakin’ April, no less!) that dropped several feet of snow on the region?  WW and I were coming back from his sister’s wedding, and we went into a tailspin in the middle of the night and almost careened off the edge of a cliff.  What is it with you that you can’t stay within your natural boundaries?  You almost cost me my future. Repeat after me:  winter is from December to February—spring is from March to May, summer is . . .

NATURE’S MOM: Are you getting cheeky with me?  Because I still have Wednesday night up my sleeve.  When’s the last time you experienced lightning in winter aimed directly at your house?  Remember the storm a few years ago that knocked out your electricity for two weeks, and the power surge that fried your microwave, your ceiling fan, and your computer?  Well, I can do that again.  Instead of throwing a hissy-fit over the delayed advent of spring, why don’t you tell me your plan as an individual to help fight global warming?

ME:  Uh, did I hear that House of Cards is back on and ready for binge watching? Gotta go!  Let’s do lunch when you usher in summer (80 degrees, calm breeze, sunshine galore, and gin and tonics on the deck).  Cheers!

America Reacts Horsey Cartoon

Cartoonist:  David Horsey, LA Times

I am discovering that I can’t mess with Mother Nature—I just have to get out of her way and grab some extra blankets to stay warm while I grumble.  I also must confess that other than recycling, eating less meat (I loves me some steak, so that’s not going very well), and using energy-saving appliances, I’m pretty clueless as to how to really be effective when it comes to course-correcting our planet’s environmental illness.  As a Christian, I believe the scientists that detrimental climate change is happening—which is a start—but I must confess the magnitude of the subject overwhelms me because it requires governments (from the USA to China), industries, and individuals to modify their behavior in major ways, and it makes me inert.

***

“That’s the thing about Mother Nature, she really doesn’t care what economic bracket you’re in.”—Whoopi Goldberg

“As human beings, we are vulnerable to confusing the unprecedented with the improbable. In our everyday experience, if something has never happened before, we are generally safe in assuming it is not going to happen in the future, but the exceptions can kill you and climate change is one of those exceptions.”—Al Gore

“I don’t think we’re yet evolved to the point where we’re clever enough to handle as complex a situation as climate change. The inertia of humans is so huge that you can’t really do anything meaningful.”—James Lovelock

PLEASE CHECK OUT MY NEW WEBSITE:  www.eleanortomczyk.com

Spring is coming End keepcal dash o dash matic dot co dot uk

REFERENCES

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/capital-weather-gang/wp/2014/03/11/shock-drop-temperature-may-fall-from-70-to-35-wednesday-evening/?hpid=z3

http://www.epa.gov/climatechange/basics/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on March 12, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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You Had ONE Job!

Do you know what I discovered about March this year?  It had one job—albeit, a multilayered job description—and it has summarily blown it!  March 1st was supposed to massage us out of freezing temperatures, making way for daylight savings time in two weeks, and opening the doors to the meteorological beginning of spring in the Northern Hemisphere, if Wikipedia is to be trusted.  But right now 106 million people from coast to coast are awash in another arctic air blast which is pushing eastward.  In my hometown, I am currently bracing for a “tenth of an inch of ice, topped by 8 to 12 inches of snow,” if The Washington Post is to be believed.  Auuuugh!

Cold Weather No End John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Used by permission:  John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune

I’m so freakin’ tired of this weather.  I finally got rid of the sinus infection from Hell, but then my “crap” (my house and the shit in it) started auditioning for the “You Had One Job” reality TV show that I didn’t even know existed until last week.  I’m so pissed that I wrote a letter to Al Roker (a.k.a. Albert Lincoln “Al” Roker, Jr, weatherman extraordinaire for NBC Morning News).

Dear Mr. Roker:

Oh, meteorology legend among meteorologists.

Let’s not beat around the bush here because I’ve got no time to waste before I get slammed by the lion of March and my electricity goes off.  I need you to grab your friend March by the balls and bring him into submission because he is not doing his job.  March only has one job (as far as I’m concerned) and that is to usher in spring.  Not only is March causing me a lot of sickness and chaos, but my house and its shit have been inspired by its mayhem and gone into total rebellion against me.

I woke up the other night to a floor flooded by a dishwasher that is barely a year old (this dishwasher is a replacement for the previous one that leaked and flooded my house in March 2013).  I called the appliance hotline of which I have a five-year-extended-warranty and an operator answered the phone.  She sounded like she couldn’t have been more than sixteen years old.  Al, she had one job and only one job to do:  send me a qualified repairman who could properly diagnose my problem and set me free from malfunction hell. 

March One Job quoteko dot com

TWIT:    Hello!  This call may be monitored for quality control and/or training purposes.  How can I help you today? But before you answer that, may I have your name, appliance serial and model number, your address, the cross streets where your house is located, the name of the owner of the appliance, the name of the store where you purchased the appliance; if you have a warranty, what type of appliance is it, and what needs fixin’ today?  Also, please note that your warranty covers some things but not others. It does not cover improper use (such as for a business) or abusive use by owners.

ME:        Lady, my dishwasher just flooded my kitchen because the top rack may have come off its track and bumped up against the door.  Something is broken on the rack.  I need a new top rack.  Please send a qualified repairman ASAP!

TWIT:    I see. Looks like I need to order you the rack-pack hooks and gadgets for you to adjust your top rack again and fix it yourself.  Okeydokey?  Hold on.

ME:        Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  I’m not a dishwasher repairman, but I am holding pieces of the top rack in my hand while standing in ankle deep water which says to me that this might need some teensy-weensy help from a repairman who knows something about dishwashers.   I paid a warranty in the hundreds of dollars for you people to do your job when the time came. YOU’VE GOT ONE JOB—TO REPAIR SHIT!  Don’t send me a kit to do-it-myself—send me a repairman.

TWIT:    One moment Ma’am—I can see why not having a dishwasher could be upsetting.  Please wait a minute while I put you on hold.

ME:        Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  Goddamnit . . . You’ve only got one job—just do it!

Winter Escape Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Anyway, Al Roker, I finally got the Twit to send me a repairman, but he arrived without a kit, and the following conversation ensued between said dishwasher repairman (DR) and me:

DR:         Ladee, I check ju dishwasher—nothin’ wrong wit it.   It maybe “user arrow.”  Most customa problem is dat.  Do ju know how to close door in right way? 

ME:        Do I look 16?  I’m old . . . I know how to use a dishwasher.  No, I did not accidentally leave the door open.

DR:         How ‘bout ju cuttin’ board—ju make mistake of placin’ it too close to door?  Company say dat if  customa break machine wit cuttin’ board—no warranty coverage for yu.  You pay everything from pocket! 

ME:        I have not now, nor have I ever broken an appliance.  Do you see the 50 pieces of plastic at the bottom of the dishwasher that look like an atom bomb went off inside?  Don’t you think that might have something to do with the flooding problem?

DR:         Noooo, dat jes garbage.  Do ju know to rinse plates befo’ loadin’?  Jes?  Okay, but I tell ju what.  I’ll change rubba lina to help ju out.  Maybe dat help—maybe dat won’t.  What you gonna do dees days?  Now sign computa pad wit ju finger dat rate my service (please choose “excellent” so I get company prize) and dat I answa all ju questions to satisfaction.

Mr. Roker, the dude had one job (like your friend March), and that was to fix my fucking dishwasher on the warranty that I’d already paid for.  Turns out that when another repairman from another company analyzed the situation, there were a multitude of parts that had melted off the top drawer of the dishwasher due to no fault of “user arrow,” and the drawer was knocking against the door causing the water to seep out all over the floor.  It took the repairman 45 minutes to repair the top rack with the “parts kit” that the customer service twit wanted to send me for a do-it-yourself project.   He determined that the liner never needed to be replaced as the first repairman suggested.

And I haven’t even told you about the printer dying, the garage door not opening, and the battery going on the car since I’ve been stuck in the house from this horrendous weather and sickness. 

On another subject entirely, Al, can I ask you a question?  While I have your attention (hope you don’t mind the self-promotion), did you know that I wrote a newly released book:  Monsters’ Throwdown (available on Amazon), and I just launched a website that might amuse and inspire you at www.eleanortomczyk.com?  Think you could give me a shout-out when you do the weather tomorrow?

Anyway, I look forward to your reply about the handling of your friend March.  I can’t take anymore incompetence.  I’m way too old for this shit.

Sincerely Yours!

Fed Up with winter—ET

Winter save Non Sequitur

Non Sequitur, Cartoonist: Wiley Miller

I am discovering that even as I type this post it has started to rain and the rain is turning to ice in my area.  My husband (WW) has stocked the house with food and alcohol and placed the candles and hurricane lamps all over the house.  We’ve planned an Oscar party for two, but I hear that the Oscars may be inundated with rain.  WW is sure his company will be closed tomorrow due to the snow and ice.

I got a text from Al Roker in response to my email.  It said:  “Grow a pair, Chica.  Rain helping end drought in CA.  Ukraine under attack by Putin.  Jim Crow anti-Gay legislation barely vetoed in Arizona but still being pushed in 5 other states.  Black Christians with a heart of love needed to stand with our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters against discrimination because we remember the signs not too long ago that said, ‘No Jews, No Niggers, No Dogs served here.’  More important things to worry about than a few feet of snow!”

Winter blow FB

“It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.”—Wayne Dyer

“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”—Robert Byrne

 “A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”― Carl Reiner

REFERENCES

http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/02/us/us-severe-weather/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on March 2, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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