DEAR READERS: Guess what? It has been seven years since I started my blog, and I’ve decided to change the format from the “Discovery Series (Do You Know What I Discovered Today)” to “Attempted Phone Calls to God from Down Below.” These are desperate times, and because I increasingly wonder what or where God is in the mighty scheme of things (does he care, is he on vacation, or is he just late to the party?), I’ve decided to harangue God more than I usually do. My “voicemail messages” will be very short essays of universal questions I wish God would answer about life, and observations of evil and stupidity that I wish he would simply acknowledge and fix or summarily eradicate. The good news is, even though I’m changing the format, I plan to keep the cartoons which everybody seems to enjoy.
Who knows, maybe I’ll start trending: #AREYOULISTENINGGOD
VOICEMAIL MESSAGE #1: “IS THE END NEAR?”
VOICEMAIL GREETING: “You’ve reached the voicemail box of Jehovah at 1-800-PRA-TOME. I am experiencing a high call volume at this time—especially from the United States—but I will return your call as soon as is heavenly possible. Please note that I operate on a triage system (‘the process of determining the priority of patients’ treatments based on the severity of their condition’). Leave your name, number, prayer request, and I will get back to you at some point. May I bless you!”
HELLO, GOD. IT’S ME, ELEANOR. Looks like you’re out again or something. We seem to be playing phone tag as of late. (I noticed that slight dig about a preponderance of calls from the United States on your voicemail message. Were you talking about me?) You’re the one who once said, “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis.”
Well, Oasis, no disrespect intended, but where are you? In case you haven’t noticed, the United States is being led by a madman, and the rest of the world is getting its ass kicked by the Devil.
I don’t mean to be impertinent, but if I don’t call you—who am I going to call–Ghostbusters? You’ve said that I should “pray without ceasing.” Well, every day—every single freakin’ day—I pray that you will save us and deliver us from Donald J. Trump.
And yet, heeeee’s still heeeerrre!
Although these last couple of days have had a weird patina about them—as if the end might be near. Which is why I’m calling you. Is this the end of the Trump madness? Is the anonymous op-ed piece in the NY Times the last stages of Trump’s undoing or, even better, will the scathing, meticulously researched book, Fear, by Bob Woodward be the final nail in his coffin?
I’m sure you have an advanced copy of Fear (mine doesn’t arrive until Sept. 12th), but did you see that quote by Woodward:
“The reality was that the United States in 2017 was tethered to the words and actions of an emotionally overwrought, mercurial and unpredictable leader. Members of his staff had joined to purposefully block some of what they believed were the president’s most dangerous impulses. It was a nervous breakdown of the executive power of the most powerful country in the world.”
Oh, my God, God! And a portion of the anonymous op-ed to the NY Times pretty much says the same thing:
“The root of the problem is the president’s amorality. Anyone who works with him knows he is not moored to any discernible first principles that guide his decision making.”
Right before “Anonymous” wrote that damning sentence, the NY Times quoted him/her as saying:
“…the president continues to act in a manner that is detrimental to the health of our republic.
That is why many Trump appointees have vowed to do what we can to preserve our democratic institutions while thwarting Mr. Trump’s more misguided impulses until he is out of office.”
So, I’m calling to ask two questions: 1) who is “Anonymous”—our 2018 “Deep Throat,” and 2) are you in the process of busting Trump’s balls and breaking his knee caps? (Need I remind you that you don’t let me get away with anything?) All I have to do is think something catty about another human being while sipping my morning coffee, and you give me heartburn for the rest of the day. I’m just sayin’: Donald J. Trump’s litany list for a passport into Hell is endless and worthy of your damnation.
Anyway, if you tell me who “anonymous” is, I won’t tell anybody. I promise. I personally think it is Melania. She didn’t write it, of course—she can barely speak English. But I can see her dictating it to her staff, can’t you? I’d be willing to bet my angel’s wings that she is the one because I secretly think she hates The Donald’s guts and has been waiting for a way and time to tell him “You’re fired!” for years.
Before I hang up, I just want to let you know that your White Right-wing Evangelicals have drunk the Kool-Aid–again. Please, please, please ignore their prayers. They are pinning all of their Trump Devil worship on being “God’s will.” In fact, it would be fabulous if you purged them, and started all over again when you bring down Trump. They’ve sold their souls lock, stock, and barrel to the Cheese-ball in Chief’s racism, cruelty, and lying which pretty much makes Trump Satan’s spawn and his supportive Evangelicals his demonic minions. I know I’m not supposed to judge, but when something walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and acts like a duck, well then…
Anyway, God, stay tuned. If I don’t hear from you by Thursday, I’ll be calling you again because Hurricane Florence is headed my way. Lord, have mercy!
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