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LET’S TALK, TURKEY!

Cartoon used by permission: 257287_1290_rgb (1).jpg Thanksgiving In spite of ourselves by Monte Wolverton Battle Ground WA

AN ODE TO MR. MELEAGRIS GALLOPAVOS

Thanksgiving is coming.  Can I be honest with you?  I don’t like anything about the featured guest: Le Turkey.  I don’t like cooking it.  I don’t like the way it tastes. I don’t like the way its leftovers hang around forever. I don’t like the way the remains keep popping up for months on end in soups, casseroles, burgers, salads, tetrazzini, pot pies, and even tacos! However, I love Le Turkey’s sidekicks:  gravy, cranberry sauce, green beans, sweet potatoes (no marshmallows, please), mashed potatoes, stuffing (oh my God, do I love me some stuffing!), pecan pie with tons of whipped cream.  I can’t imagine celebrating T-Day without those hip-expanding yummies.

My hatred of the turkey goes deeper than the culinary, however.  When I was four years old, my mother took me into a place where they sold nothing but live chickens and turkeys. The room was the size of a one-car garage, the floor was barely discernable beneath the dust and debris, and the birds’ squawking was deafening. The poultry was in wooden cages and they were stacked against all four walls from floor to ceiling with a spillover of cages forming a fowl island in the middle of the store.  If you could survive the smell, the patrons would choose a live bird to be slaughtered on the spot, and it would be taken home to be plucked and cooked.  On this particular day a turkey, who stood taller than me, escaped his habitat and proceeded to terrorize me by chasing me around and around and around the butcher shop while pecking at my head and chubby legs until it drew blood.  My nightmares revisited that hellish scene of turkey-on-chubby-little-Black-girl-violence for years to come.

Cartoon used by permission: 232313_1290_rgb.png Chosen One by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT

Recently, I told some vegan friends of mine about my hatred of turkeys and my history with that one bird, and they said, “Oh my God Woman, you have turkey bias!  You’re a turkey bigot.”

“Not really.  I simply believe that the only good turkey is a dead turkey, but it doesn’t mean I have to like eating them. You don’t eat turkeys.”  

“We don’t eat turkeys because we respect the turkey.  We don’t eat anything that has a mother.  We are all one on God’s great Earth.  If you make peace with his animal planet, peace will be yours in return.  For Turkey’s sake, Girlfriend, you can’t judge an entire race of turkeys by one bad fowl encounter.  You’ve got to get out and get to know a few turkeys—to know them is to love them.  Find out who they truly are—not to eat them, but to become one with them.  You’re a communicator.  Go find some turkeys and interview them.”

Well, that is what I did.  It was a tad difficult because it seems the turkeys are on the lam—trying to avoid execution this week.  However, I found a rebel group leader (Mr. Meleagris Gallopavos) who agreed to be interviewed via email if I did not reveal his whereabouts.  So, I sent him a truncated copy of the Proust Questionnaire (a parlor game from the late 1800s made popular by the essayist and novelist Marcel Proust) that is usually used to access the true nature of humans.  I figured it should work just fine on a bunch of jive-time turkeys.

Cartoon used by permission: 257001_1290_rgb.jpg  Turkey Supply Chain by Dave Whamond Canada PoliticalCartoons com

PROUST ?:  What is your idea of perfect happiness?

TURKEY:  Thanksgiving is abolished from the land, and ALL Americans become vegetarians.

PROUST ?:  What is your greatest fear?

TURKEY:  Celebration of Thanksgiving becomes a monthly holiday.

PROUST ?:  What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

TURKEY:  That turkeys are such chicken-shits.  We should have led a revolution against the eating of our kind as soon as we got wind of this whole Pilgrim/Indigenous People dinner party event back in the day. Nipped this T-Day sucker right in the bud.

PROUST ?:  What is your current state of mind?

TURKEY:  Shear panic!  Every year approximately 45 million turkeys are eaten for Thanksgiving dinner.  That’s 675 million pounds!  You do the math: it’s only a matter of time before the butchers catch up with me and mine.

PROUST ?: On what occasion do you lie?       

TURKEY:  Whenever it suits me.  I’ll throw a brother chicken into the oven in my place faster than you can say gobble-gobble.

Cartoon used by permission: 187876_1290_rgb.jpg Fake news turkeys by John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

PROUST ?:  What living person do you most despise?

TURKEY:  The Farmer in the Dell.  He takes a wife, a child, a nurse, a cow, a dog, a cat, a mouse, and even some cheese, but he never once saves a turkey.  He had the political power as a farmer to change the genocidal trajectory of the turkey, but he did nothing.  Well, I say “Hi-ho, the derry-o” to his sorry-ass.

 PROUST ?:  Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

TURKEY:  Duh!  “Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble…”

PROUST ?:  What or who is the greatest love of your life?

TURKEY:  Oh Lord have mercy, my babies-mama!  That chick heard my matting call from over a mile away and came running.  She fell in love with my engorged snood, and the rest is history, Baby.

PROUST ?: What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

TURKEY:  Being butchered, feathers plucked, and roasted at 350 degrees for five hours. Not to mention being smothered in a brown sludge that humans call gravy.

Cartoon used by permission: 256976_1290_rgb.jpg Thanksgiving Turkey by Guy Parsons PoliticalCartoons com

PROUST ?:  Which historical figure do you most identify with?

TURKEY:  Benjamin Franklin.  Supposedly, he proposed that the turkey become the national bird instead of the bald eagle. (Actually, that story is a myth, but whatever.) He never slandered the turkey at least, but he sure ripped the Bald Eagle a new one: “…the Bald Eagle…is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly…[he] is too lazy to fish for himself.”  So there.  Why isn’t the Bald Eagle the juicy choice of slaughter for Thanksgiving?

PROUST ?:  What are your most marked characteristics?

TURKEY:  My eyes.  They can see three times better than humans and I can see in color.  My strut.  I can run at 25 MPH.  My feathers.  To date, I have 5, 500 feathers!  I am truly marvelous!

PROUST ?:  What do you value in your friends?

TURKEY: That we are birds of a feather who flock together.  In the wild, we have been known to travel in groups of 200 or more.

PROUST ?:  What is it that you most dislike?

TURKEY:  That my name is blasphemously used, and I don’t deserve that shit.  If something is a dud, it’s a “turkey.” If a Broadway show fails, it’s called a “turkey.”  If a human suddenly stops doing drugs, it’s called going “cold turkey.” In the seventies, an entire TV character’s main form of getting a laugh was when he called someone a “jive-turkey”—meaning, a fool.  George Jefferson “moved on up to the East Side with a deee-luxe apartment in the sky,” but he ruined my family’s life by using our name in vain. 

PROUST ?:  Finally, what is your motto?

TURKEY:  TLM. Turkey Lives Matter!

George Jefferson Meme/The Jeffersons TV Show (1975-1985)

ELEANOR’S SELAH

Whatever you eat for Thanksgiving, it’s not the meal that matters as much as it is the gratitude of being together. I implore you to put aside the rancor, the resentment, past hurts, and old grievances.  What matters are the hugs, the smiles, the hope, the love, and the joy shared over a meal—be it turkey or tofu.  Let’s be thankful for each other because if the last two years have proven anything:  we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. 

Cartoon used by permission: 257376_1290_rgb.jpg Being thankful by Rivers CagleCartoons com

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2021 in Uncategorized

 

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THANKSGIVING DÉTENTE GUIDELINES IN THE AGE OF TRUMP AND IMPEACHMENT

Cartoon used by permission: 231883 Thanksgiving food fight by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian

I hate to say this folks (and I sure hope I’m wrong), but I’m pretty convinced that this Thanksgiving is the calm before the storm—the last big non-religious, national family feast day—before the outbreak of the civil war next November between the MAGA nation and the Americans who value truth.  According to AAA, 55 million of us will be traveling to visit family and friends for the Thanksgiving holiday.  That’s a whole lot of turkey eating and at least a solid chance for 90% of us to strangle, stab, shoot, pummel, or disinherit at least one or two very close relatives.  (That murder rate drops significantly if one belongs to a family of clones who think alike, look alike, vote alike, dress alike, and basically don’t say more than two words to each other the entire Thanksgiving meal.)  You and I are not one of them.  We know we’re headed for a civil war, put in motion by a mad king, and we think this may be the last family gathering where we can knock some sense into our Fox News watching, Donald Trump loving, science denying family.  May I make a suggestion?  Let’s call a détente (the easing of hostility or strained relations) until Monday, December 2nd.  Let’s pretend that we are one big happy national family, and our biggest problem is that we forgot to pack our stretchy pants with the elastic waistband.

Cartoon used by permission: 232153 Thanksgiving Jeopardy with Relatives by Dave Whamond Canada, PoliticalCartoon.com

THANKSGIVING DÉTENTE GUIDELINES

#1.  To make this détente function at its best, we will have to establish some ground rules, of course.  First of all, if you are hosting, it would be best to warn your guests in advance that your home will be a politic-free zone.  Those who can’t adhere to this rule need to know that the penalty will be immediate banishment.  (Even if you are all of the same political persuasion, talk about art, love, travel—anything but Trump…our hearts and minds need a freakin’ break from the Mad King.)

Thanksgiving warning, welcome to the family feast, cut out, political discussion
Cartoon used by permission: 232315 Thanksgiving Warning by Bruce Plante Tulsa World

#2. Send out homework before Thanksgiving Day to make sure your family and friends know what is at stake for their souls and the survival of your family unit if they break the détente and slip into political rancor with your T-Day guests.  Close family quarters, alcohol, turkey carving knives, and guns (would suggest you tell your guests that your home will be a gun-free zone) are a recipe for disaster when political arguments start to go down in the age of Trump.  Given the state of the scary craziness Trump has driven our nation to, it is best to know what types of family murders can occur if a mention of him and/or his antics are allowed under the Thanksgiving détente tent and tempers are not kept in check (have your guests memorize them before arrival):

Cartoon used by permission: 218351 Let’s Talk Turkey .PLEASE. by Jeff Koterba, Omaha World Herald NE

THIS IS WHAT IS AT STAKE SHOULD POLITICS HOLD SWAY ON T-DAY AT OUR FAMILY GATHERINGS (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):

Mariticide = the act of killing one’s husband or romantic partner

Patricide = the act of killing one’s father

Fratricide = the act of killing one’s brother

Sororicide = the act of killing one’s sister

Uxoricide = the act of killing one’s wife

Avunculicide = the act of killing one’s uncle

Matricide = the act of killing one’s mother

Nepoticide = the act of killing one’s nephew

Amicicide = the act of killing a friend

Vaticide = the act of killing a prophet (you never know when one of these may drop by)

Blockacide = the act of killing a Facebook friend connection

At the bottom of the pre-celebration homework page, I suggest the following quote by George Bernard Shaw be listed as a pre-dinner meditation:  “The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguments for it, and become blind to the arguments against it.” 

Cartoon used by permission: 232294 Turkey Day by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune MN

#3.  Upon arrival for T-Day celebration, I suggest the host or hostess prominently display a sign at the front door that says: “Abandon all cell phones, MAGA hats, Pink Pussy hats, and political T-shirts here, and park all egos out back by the garbage cans.  Only humility and grace need enter.”

Cartoon used by permission: 232308 Choosing Sides at the Holidays by Jeff Koterba Omaha World Herald NE

#4.  Consider providing party favors in the form of colorful elastic snap bands with James 1:19 inscribed upon them: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”  Guests should be encouraged to utilize the bands whenever they feel like pummeling one of their family members by “snapping” the bands against their wrists to bring them back to their senses should they start to jeopardize the Thanksgiving détente. Finally, if you have really, really hard-headed friends and relatives, you might need to bring out the big guns with a very blatant banner draped above the dining area to help keep everyone focused:  KINDNESS AND COURTEOUSNESS TO ONE ANOTHER ARE NOT SIGNS OF WEAKNESS!

Cartoon used by permission: 218364 Thanksgiving and politics by Bruce Plante Tulsa World

I know it sounds like a bit of a cliché, but having everyone who is present say one thing they are grateful for in their own lives and about each family member to their left and right might just keep the détente going after Thanksgiving and prevent a civil war that is fast approaching on the heels of the presidential election in 2020.  After all, long after the spell that President Cheeto has cast upon our nation has been broken, and Trump is gone and forgotten, we’ll still need the love and strength of our families to pick up the pieces and rebuild a nation.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MY PEEPS! MAY IT BE FULL OF LOVE, LAUGHTER, JOY, AND GRACE!

ENJOY MY FAVORITE VINTAGE THANKSGIVING CARTOON BY CARTOONIST RICK MCKEE

Cartoon used by permission: 140746 Thanksgiving 2013 COLOR by Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival:  “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Cartoon used by permission: 232313 Chosen One by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
9 Comments

Posted by on November 27, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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