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Tag Archives: Ted Cruz

APPARENTLY, AMERICA LOVES A BULLY

Do you know what I discovered today, Sunday, February 21, 2016?  It is a day after the Republican Primary in South Carolina where Trump had a resounding victory over the rest of the Republican candidates, and I can’t find a soul who witnessed this debacle to return my call.  I’m specifically trying to connect with the White “Evangelical Christians” who gave Trump such a huge win (no self-respecting Black person would ever vote for this clown), but no one will allow me to interview them.  It’s like they did their dastardly deed and then went into hiding.

Trump Sues Randall Enos Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Randall Enos, Cagle Cartoons

I finally caught up with my alter ego, The Dalai Mama, who sent us the report from New Hampshire last week, but she seemed to be in a state of shock.  (DM looks like me but takes no prisoners, and she has no filter.  She says the things I wish I could say on any given day).  As I connected with her on her cell phone, I immediately noticed how disheartened and exhausted she sounded.

ME:        Hey, DM . . . I’m been trying to reach you since the polls closed last night in South Carolina.  Where have you been?  I need some intel about the SC Primary so that I can write my blog.  I hear that Trump won every single congressional district.  How in the hell did that happen?  Wasn’t there at least one hold out? Tell me it isn’t so.

DM:       Oh, you bet yo’ chubby-little-ol’-ass, it’s so.

ME:        But what happened?

DM:       Best I can tell, the White Christians down here done gone crazy.  They put him over the top.  Nasty-ass Ted Cruz is in a state of shock ‘cause he just knew he had the White Christian vote.  Only thing good about Trump winnin’ is that he beat Cruz’s ass.  You ain’t gonna hear this on “Mornin’ Joe,” Baby, but South Carolina White Christians done lost they ever-lovin’ minds!  Jesus is weepin’ this mornin’, chil’—sobbin’ in his communion cups.  Now you know I ain’t no racist, but I has to emphasize what race done this, ‘cause no self-respectin’ Black folk would ever put this man in office.

ME:        Well, you don’t know that it was all White people who voted for Trump.  I’m sure there were some Black folks who voted for this maniac—we are not a monolithic group.

DM:       Um, um . . . I was there.  Didn’t see nary a Black person.  These White folks think Trump sit at the right hand of Jesus, and that he is the Great White Christian Hope.  Besides, they finally get to participate in what Larry Wilmore calls the “unblackening of the White House.”  No Black folk in they right mind would join in on that—we know a bigot when we sees one, even if he is a billionaire.  He just a rich bigot.  Lawd, have mercy!  Jesus is banging his head against his throne today—I just know he is.

Thank you Jesus for Trump reddit dot com

ME:        Did you ask the people—especially the White Christians—why they voted for Trump?

DM:       Sho’ I did.  They say it ‘cause he tell it like it is.  Say he most like them of all the candidates, and he gonna make America great again.  I’m still tryin’ to figure out what that means.   I didn’t see none of them with any private planes or a super model wife.  I asked a couple of them if they had mansions, maids, and chauffeurs, but not one of them could say they did.  You know what I think it is—they been holdin’ they breath about the Black man in the White House for eight years, and now they gots themselves a leader that say, it’s okay to hate him and to throw in the Mexicans and the Muslims in the pot since they now stirrin’ up themselves some hate stew.

Voting for Trump Meme

ME:        I’m still flummoxed over the fact that so many Christians voted for this Neanderthal.  These are my brothers and sisters in Christ.  Did they not hear what the Pope said about him?  Basically, saying that if the dude was a Christian we would know it by his actions.

DM:       Oh that just made the Trumpets more riled up.  It was like feedin’ steak to a bunch of hungry pit bulls.  “How dare the Pope question our savior Trump’s Christianity?  Who does he think he is—God?”  (Of course, they love it when Trump questions President Obama’s standin’ in Christ, ‘cause they just know the Prez is a Muslim who they hate.)  As to the Pope, suddenly that ol’ hatred for Catholics just bubbled right up to the Southern Baptist surface.  I thought that was long gone—haven’t seen that since John F. Kennedy was President. The Popey better be glad he made his visit to America befo’ Trump become president, because if he had come afterwards, I’d be worrin’ ‘bout the Pope’s safety.  If this Trump character gets into the Oval Office, all races, creeds, and colors—except white Protestant males—will be fair game for ridicule, shame, and bullyin’.

Trump the Christian FB Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

ME:        Oh, Dalai.  What are we going to do?  I feel as if we’re being yanked back in time to a nightmare that will never end.

DM:       Can you say, “help me, Jesus—help, help me, Jesus?”  ‘Cause that divine power mixed with every eligible voter who ain’t lost their minds better get out and vote like they lives depend on it come November.  That’s where I’m off to next.  I’m startin’ the “anti-Trump” campaign coupled with the “anti-Cruz” campaign as I go from state to state (might as well bring down the devil’s spawn along with the devil).  I’m gonna shout the truth from the rooftops:  “Wake up you silly-ass Americans—especially you Christians.  This is not what our Lawd Jesus would do!  We done been had!   This clown ain’t like you—he ain’t like Jesus, and you ain’t gonna get no riches, no three wives, no billions, no mansions, no airplanes!  Also, get over yo’selves cause Mexicans, Muslims, Gays, and Black folks are here to stay!”

Trump Supporters David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA) MOMENT ABOUT CHRISTIANS AND TRUMP

I am discovering that the Christianity I hold so dear has been sold to the highest bidder, and we’ve seen this movie before.  When Hitler rose to power, he did so on the votes of the Lutheran and Catholic churches.  There were a remnant who fought against his election (there will always be a remnant of courageous people who speak out against madness), but for the most part people chanted:  “Hitler, Hitler, he’s our man—if he can’t save us, no one can.”  We have people who call themselves Christians who are pretty pissed that they have been losing what they consider the cultural wars since the 60s (women’s rights, racial equality, and globalization), and they are willing to sacrifice their beliefs in order to get back the world that they have been mourning ever since the 50s.  Not only do I agree with the Pope and question Trump’s character as a so-called “Christian,” but I question the Christian character of the people who overwhelmingly delivered South Carolina into Trump’s hands.  The only thing good about his win is that he beat nasty-ass Cruz who is so mean and heartless that he makes Trump look like Jesus’ sidekick.

Before I turned off the news to post this blog, I heard this quote from Trump:

“We’re going to win so much, you’re going to get tired of winning . . . You’re going to say, ‘Please, Mr. President. I have a headache. Please, don’t win so much. This is getting terrible.’ And I’m going to say, ‘No, we have to make America great again.’ ”

On that note, I screamed bloody murder and asked my husband if he had the heart to pick up and move again so that we could retire to a land where Trump was not the nightmare President I know he will become if given half the chance.   My husband asked me if I had any prospects in mind, and I told him I had just seen an ad on the Internet from a travel bureau in Canada. . . can you say, “Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, here we come!”

Cape Breton

Cape Breton, Nova Scotia

***

QUOTES:  WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A “TRUE” CHRISTIAN

“A Christian reveals true humility by showing the gentleness of Christ, by being always ready to help others, by speaking kind words and performing unselfish acts, which elevate and ennoble the most sacred message that has come to our world.”—Ellen G. White

“I feel like if I live the Christian life, then the people should be able to see it in my everyday actions.”—Quinton Aaron

“The point is that there is tremendous hypocrisy among the Christian right. And I think that Christian voters should start looking at global warming and extreme poverty as a religious issue that speaks to the culture of life.”—Al Franken

“I’m working at trying to be a Christian, and that’s serious business. It’s like trying to be a good Jew, a good Muslim, a good Buddhist, a good Shintoist, a good Zoroastrian, a good friend, a good lover, a good mother, a good buddy – it’s serious business.”—Maya Angelou

“A Muslim fanatic and a Christian fanatic, a Jewish fanatic, a secular fanatic, an atheist fanatic, a communist fanatic – all of them are the same. The thinking that, ‘If you don’t think like me, that if you are not with me, then you are against me;’ this is something to condemn.”—Marjane Satrapi

 “I think there ought to be a strict separation or wall built between our religious faith and our practice of political authority in office. I don’t think the President of the United States should extoll Christianity if he happens to be a Christian at the expense of Judaism, Islam or other faiths.”—Jimmy Carter

ALL QUOTES FROM http://www.brainyquotes.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (hardcopy and Kindle).

 STOP VOTING FOR TRUMP MEME

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on February 21, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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#2016InOneWord: MORTIFIED!

Do you know what I discovered this week?  Every media outlet (on and offline) has gotten on my every last nerve, as my mother used to say.  It’s been wall to wall politics—all day—every day.  If I didn’t know any better, I would swear that nothing else was happening on the Earth except for the 2016 Presidential campaigns.  But then the media cut me a break and let me watch the Super Bowl in peace.  Yes! Finally, I got a break.  Go Panthers! You da man, Cam!

Media Coverage Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Oh well . . . and then there was that—the Broncos won.  Sigh! Although I must say, I was more than a little secretly pleased to have Peyton Manning go out for the last time on the wings of a Super Bowl win into retirement. But no sooner had I gone into mourning over my team losing the Super Bowl (Cam Newton: “what happened Buddy?”), and tried to wash the very disturbing puppy/monkey/baby Mountain Dew/juice/caffeine commercial from my psyche, the political coverage by the media came back in a deluge.

Super Bowl Ads Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

We’ve only just begun the race for the White House, and I am so sick of these crazy people that I could just scream.  It seems that others are as well.  On CNN, a columnist noted a new hashtag for millennials to describe their feelings in one word about how the election makes them feel—#2016InOneWord.  They responded accordingly:

Scared

Anxious

Disappointed

Frightened

Petrified

Worried

Horrified

Meh!

I added my own word: mortified!   And can you imagine what it must have been like in New Hampshire these last few days?  CNN reported seeing New Hampshire yard signs that flat-out demanded, “NO SOLICITING OF ANY KIND” to the horde of campaigners with detailed inscriptions that read:

We are too broke to buy anything. We know who we are voting for. We have found Jesus.”

AND

“Seriously, unless you are giving away beer, PLEASE GO AWAY!”

Dems vs Repubs Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

I almost wish I could have been there to see what all the obsession was about, but I’m working on my third book and couldn’t get away.  Which is why I sent my alter ego, The Dalai Mama, to scout out the scene in New Hampshire and give me the what-what on the something-something especially if there was anything happening on the down-low.

If anyone could get the straight poop, then it would be The Dalai Mama.  She is my inner, fierce self.  The Dalai is what I would be in another time and another place—unafraid, full of spunk, suffering no fools, and having no problem letting them know it.  The presidential campaign trail is like watching a Monty Python movie but with verbal guns and knives—replete with popcorn. Dalai’s assessment of the New Hampshire scene was priceless.  Check out the transcript of our conversation this morning.

Political Entertainment Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

DM:       Hey Girl.  What’s happenin’?

ME:        Hey Babe.  I think the question is what’s happenin’ with you?  From all the news reports, the primaries in New Hampshire were a wild ride.  How did you fare? I’m pretty much caught up on the news everyone else knows:  GOP establishment in shambles and New Hampshire was their worst nightmare (Trump won), Hillary got creamed—women under sixty abandoned her for Sanders, Rubio’s campaign collapsed, and Trump and Sanders emerged as champions.  But I’d love to have your perspective.  What were your three biggest takeaways?

DM:       Girl, I wish you could have been here.  New Hampshire was a major bitch slap.  Tempers was flarin’, candidates was actin’ like fools, and most of them forgot everythang they mama’s done taught them.

ME:        How so?

DM:       First off:  Christie went all Jersey on Rubio’s ass during the debate.  He had been telegraphin’ all week that he was goin’ beat the shit out of Rubio down by the playground—jest like some schoolyard bully—but even though Rubio’s Hispanic, he ain’t got a lick of street smarts in him.  You could tell when it hit him that he didn’t see it comin’!  I thought cutie-pie Rubio was gonna burst into tears right then and there on the stage, but when he kept doing exactly what Christie was bullyin’ him about (bein’ a robot stuck in a loop), I almost jumped up on stage and knocked some sense into his head.  On the other hand, I think Christie thought he take out Rubio the way a bull takes out a distracted matador, then he would move on up the GOP food chain to eventually win the GOP establishment’s vote.  Well, surprise, surprise, surprise—Christie went down in flames and took “Fury-ina” with him.  They both withdrew their candidacies today.  He probably never heard the sayin’ in Jersey that “God don’t like ugly.”

February 9, 2016

February 9, 2016

Cartoon used by permission:  Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News

ME:        I think Rubio thought if he picked an unfair fight with someone who couldn’t answer back on the stage—someone bigger and more powerful than him—the rest of the Repubs would thank him for it and leave him alone.  But he miscalculated the Prez and trusted in his scoundrel fellow Republicans too much.  Obama is at the point where he doesn’t give a shit what anyone says, and the Republican candidates only have your back until you get in their way.  After all, this bunch are politicians of the lowest common denominator.  What else did you observe?

DM:       The lowlifiest thing that happened is that Trump called Cruz a female kitty cat.  You should have seen Cruz’s reaction.  His head almost exploded.  Chil’ that dude’s got anger issues to beat the band.  I couldn’t believe that Trump’s bullin’ just made his peeps love him even more, so I guess he and Trump don’t have a bromance anymore. Can you imagine that sorry-ass Trump as president?

ME:        Yep, I can see the headlines now: “WWIII started after President Trump called Putin a pussy.  Putin called President Trump the “C” word, and now we’re dealing with nothing but scorched Earth ad infinitum.”

Pussy Cruz Bob Englehart CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission:  Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons,com

ME:        What was your impression of Hillary?

DM:       Mo’ like what was my impression of her ol’ man.   Did you see Bubba’s face when Hill conceded to Bernie?   I ain’t made up my mind yet ‘bout Hill, but I gots to tell you that the main thing holdin’ me back from Hillary is Bill.  I knows everybody calls him the “first Black president” ‘cause Black folks helped put him in office, and he like jazz and all, but I thinks he be takin’ us fo’ granted.  Everybody tellin’ me that his sorry-ass philanderin’ ain’t got nothin’ to do with Hillary bein’ Prez.  That may be so if he wasn’t gonna be first man.  But I knows me some Jesus, and that kind of crap don’t sit right with me or the Good Lawd.  If Bill cheat all day long, up one aisle and down the other on his wife, what the hell he gonna do to me—the voter he never met and don’t know—I’m gonna get screwed to the wall via his influence on his wife.  It tell me he only keep his word when it convenient.

Some of that ol’ Bill popped up this week.  He called my sweet Bernie “hermetically sealed from reality.”   That just brought back some real bad memories when Obama was gainin’ on Hillary in ‘08, and “he-who-can’t-keep-his-one-eyed-monster in his pants” went all racist on Obama.  Remember that?  When Ted Kennedy threw the Kennedy influence and weight behind Obama’s candidacy, do you know what racist thing Bubba said?

ME:        No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.

DM:       Clinton said ’bout takin’ Obama’s candidacy seriously:  “A few years ago, this guy (Obama) would have been carrying our bags.”  I was like, “Oh, hell to the no!  You goin’ down, Mofo.”  I just don’t trust the son-of-bitch . . . and now he and Hill tryin’ to do that to my Bernie.

ME:        So I gather you’re in the tank for Bernie?  You know he’s offered a lot of stuff that he can’t possible pay for—not to mention that he’ll never get anything done with that rabid Republican Congress.  If you think things are gridlocked now, the entire country will freeze in motion like a scene out of Frozen. Dalai Mama, are you being seduced by Bernie Sanders “heavenly promises”?

Bernie Advances on Clinton Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

DM:       No.  I’m just keepin’ my options open.  All I know is Hillary better watch her step.  I am a woman and I am Black, but it don’t mean I’m in the tank for her ’cause she be the first woman president.  Just ’cause I voted for her randy-ass husband doesn’t mean I’ll automatically vote for her.  She better woo me and move Bubba out of my sight line, or it is gonna be déjà vu Obama-time.  YOU BETTER NOT TAKE ME FOR GRANTED, HILLARY!

ME:        Okay!  Looks like you heard and saw a lot in New Hampshire.  Aren’t you exhausted?  Why don’t you come on home?

DM:       What do you think, Baby?  Of course I’m exhausted, but I can’t stop now.  South Carolina and Nevada here I come, along with the rest of the media hordes.  I can’t get enough of this shit.  Best reality show on the planet.  See you later, alligator.

ME:        Sigh!  After ‘while crocodile . . .

After New Hampshire Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons com

***

I am discovering that it is going to be a long, long spring, summer and fall until the Presidential election.  The more each politician talks, the more I wish they’d shut up because all of them are over-promising, or lying, and most of them have no freakin’ idea how hard this job is going to be.  The lack of integrity, humanity, good manners, and integrity oozes from most of their pores, but the more it does the less the voters seem to mind.  Yikes!

In the meantime, the media act like stoned groupies at a rock concert—screaming and fainting in adulation for his or her favorite politician—as if these men and women were messiahs.  The media pretty much ignore everything else going on in the world—including the pain and suffering of the most vulnerable and disenfranched in our country caused by hard-hearted, greedy politicians.  We are at their mercy—unfortunately.

Flint Crap Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

***

THOUGHT-PROVOKING QUOTES ABOUT POLITICIANS

“Many of the traits of character and leadership that Obama possesses, and that maybe we have taken too much for granted, have suddenly gone missing or are in short supply . . . Obama radiates an ethos of integrity, humanity, good manners and elegance that I’m beginning to miss, and that I suspect we will all miss a bit, regardless of who replaces him.”David Brooks [uber-Conservative Republican], The New York Times

“One of the reasons people hate politics is that truth is rarely a politician’s objective. Election and power are.”Cal Thomas

“If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.”H. L. Mencken

“Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.”Charles de Gaulle

***

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com except where otherwise noted

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (hardcopy and Kindle).

REFERENCE

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-sanders-projected-to-win-new-hampshire-primary/ar-BBpibN5?ocid=spartandhp

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/new-hampshire-trump-repeats-insult-from-crowd-member-calling-cruz-a-p/ar-BBphoep?ocid=spartandhp

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/10/us/politics/new-hampshire-voters.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=a-lede-package-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news&_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/09/opinion/i-miss-barack-obama.html?action=click&contentCollection=Politics&module=MostPopularFB&version=Full&region=Marginalia&src=me&pgtype=article

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/wp/2016/02/09/trumps-insult-against-cruz-isnt-as-vulgar-as-trump-himself/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-d%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on February 10, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

TRUMP GOT SCHLONGED (OOPS! I MEANT FIRED)!

Do you know what I discovered about the Iowa Caucus this year?  Who did Iowa have to sleep with to become the first major electoral event to pick the nominees for the Presidential run?  It has gotten out of hand and on my every last nerve!  They don’t even have a primary for Pete’s sake!  Their caucuses have some cutesy definition which means a “gathering of neighbors.”  Well, apparently these neighbors are predominantly white and 65% Born-again, Evangelical Christians, who don’t look like the rest of America (why not do the first Presidential caucuses in California, New York, or Florida?), thus making Iowa a Republican candidate’s wet dream.  Then mix that with the hysterical hype of the media (these people really need to get a life), and it must drive normal, level-headed Iowans nuts because it certainly has done so to me.

Iowa Caucus Crazies Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Only 3.4% of Iowans are Black, and what few of them that there are don’t tend to lean Republican.  I noticed that earlier on in the week.  I also noticed that as the Republican race narrowed down to two candidates—Trump and Cruz—I could barely sleep.  I’m not voting Republican this year (the field is way too nutty for my taste); I am just trying to make sure that the “right” Republican wins the nomination so the Democratic Presidential candidate can win in 2016.  Both Cruz and Trump seem hell bent on destroying the country and the GOP, so it is just a matter of which nut-case needs to rise to the top whose ass can be kicked by a Democrat.  One is a buffoon and the other is a mean son-of-a-bitch who believes that he is God’s Messiah sent to save our country.

Trump and Cruz Marian Kemensky Slovakia

Used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

The problem that I’m having is that I am a Born-again Evangelical Christian (and Black) who is intelligent, sane, rational, loving, and caring.  I cherish science, I believe the Earth is in climate-change Hell, and I consider all humans my sisters and brothers who deserve my respect.  I am nothing like the people who caucused for Trump and Cruz, and there are many, many more like me—it’s just that we’re hardly ever given airtime.  The Trump and Cruz supporters’ blind stupidity scares the shit out of me.  It keeps me awake at night.  I’ll do my best to defeat them in the long run, but what could I do about Iowa?  I’m just a little ol’ chubby-ass retiree trying not to fall and break a hip.  I went to bed on Monday night wondering if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow or not in the morning, as well as what wingnut would win the Republican caucus, and how little control I had over either situation.

It was then I had a dream about a rodent.

punxs

Punxsutawney Phil Meme, via earthsky.org

That furry, fat rodent, Punxsutawney Phil appeared to me while I fitfully slept—tossing and turning—muttering a deep-seated prayer:  “Not the Trump, oh God, noooooo . . . have you no mercy!”

PUNX:   Psst . . . psst—hey human, wake up!  It’s me, Punxsutawney Phil.

ME:        Huh?  Punx?  Is that you?  What are you doing here?  Shouldn’t you be in Pennsylvania, and aren’t you a little early?

PUNX:   I heard you moaning in your sleep, and I just dropped by to tell you that I plan on not seeing my shadow on February 2nd— so not to worry.

ME:       What do you mean you plan on not seeing your shadow?  You’re rigging your coming out?  You can’t do that—that’s immoral.

PUNX:   What do you care?  By not seeing my shadow, you’ll get to have an early spring.  So be happy and rejoice.  Besides, ain’t nobody got time for this bogus, anti-science, shadow-seeing shit.  I need a purpose in my life besides being some fat guy’s pet.  So I’ve joined the political underground movement:  “Groundhogs against Trump—he’s stupid, he’s lazy, he’s a fool, and he’ll never be President.”  I’ve been in Iowa messing with the caucus outcome.  Have you heard the news—Trump got schlonged, and it’s all my doing!  I fired his ass!

ME:       Really, a rodent fired The Donald? Isn’t that a bit braggadocious?  I find your boast hard to believe.  Trump didn’t win Iowa?

Trump Gets Slonged John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Used for permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

PUNX:   Hell to the no, Trump didn’t win in Iowa!  And he’s sooooo pissed.  He’s spinning it here—he’s spinning it there—but the reality is he once said that if he didn’t win Iowa he would consider it “a big, fat, beautiful waste of time!”  But he came in second—he’s such a looooser!

Loser Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons com

Used by permission:  Taylor Jones, Politicalcartoons.com

ME:        Well, hot diggedy-dog!   But how did you affect this outcome?  May I remind you that you are a furry little animal—you don’t even have opposable thumbs!

PUNX:   We groundhogs have our ways—we’ve been messing with humans for years.  Will spring come early; will spring be delayed?   Let’s just say, I got up there and helped serve Trump his balls on a platter.

ME:        Impressive!  Well then, who came in first?  If you tell me that Ted Cruz did, I am going to go screaming into the night.  Even Trump is better than that mean-spirited, rod-up-the-ass, holier-than-thou, Ted Cruz!

PUNX:   Yes, Cruz came in first, but don’t you worry about him.  We’re forming another group for New Hampshire and beyond: “Groundhogs against Cruz—the meanest, nastiest, son-of-a-bitch that ever walked the Earth.”  I’ve rallied all my sisters and brothers against him.  We have a bone to pick with Cruz—him and his gun-tottin’-animal-killin’ self.  We’re the ones who started the whisper campaign that he is not a natural-born citizen.  The Constitution is going to bite him in the butt—you watch: (“No Person except a natural born Citizen . . . shall be eligible to the Office of President”).  Wouldn’t that be a hoot if Cruz got disqualified after the way he spread the vicious lies that President Obama wasn’t born in America?  Let’s see:  Hawaii vs. Calgary.  Which one belongs to another country?  Heh, heh, heh, heh!

Anyway, we groundhogs are marching all the way to New Hampshire to the thunderous chant of:

“Cruz was born in Canada/from Calgary he hailed/Too bad he didn’t stay there/ ‘cause we plan to see him fail!”

The groundhogs are on it, Babe!  We just needed to give you humans a little help by letting the gas out of that windbag, Trump.  Now you know that even the animals are disgusted with your Republican presidential candidates.  And you’re welcome!

ted-cruz

PUNX:   Well, gotta run.  Go back to sleep.  Don’t be afraid.  It is all going to work out.  See you in New Hampshire, Girlfriend.  Look out, Repubs—here we come—‘cause even us rodents have risen up against your craziness!

Groundhogs fleeing Iowa to NH RJ Matson Roll Call

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson, Roll Call

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT ABOUT TRUMP/CRUZ

I am discovering that sometimes I wish I did have the powers to awaken the entire Earth (animals, rocks, and trees included) to do my bidding like a war counsel from the Lord of the Rings.  I would use that power to course-correct the insanity coming out of the Republican candidates for President.  A world with either one of the top two Republican contenders in the White House—Trump or Cruz—will be a world engulfed in war, with civil rights abolished, healthcare destroyed, and women’s rights rolled back.  In fact, any of those Republican candidates would be horrifically painful—throwing us back into the 1950s.  What horrifies me is that there is a political force who are Evangelicals who claim to love God, and they are so fearful and deluded that they cannot see that neither Cruz nor Trump would be someone Jesus would condone. They actually think they are doing God’s will.  When I hear these candidates speak, they sound frighteningly similar to the radical Islam that they claim they want to protect our country from.

But I have no magical powers.  I only have my keyboard, my prayers, and a mother’s love that wants to leave a better world for my children and grandchildren.   Therefore, I will keep sounding the alarm until the morning after voting day in 2016.  In the words of Sister Joan Chittister, “When you don’t know what to do—do something.”  Maybe I’ll wake up enough people with my writing to turn the tide on them all (blind Evangelicals, hateful politicians, and corrupt presidential candidates).  Until then—on to New Hampshire!

The Press Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: The Press Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons.com

***

QUOTES ABOUT THE TWO WHO WOULD LOVE TO BE KING

“Who the heck is Donald Trump to fire me? I regret I didn’t tell Donald Trump, ‘You need to fire your barber. I’m sorry. I ain’t feeling you, man. You’re fired! I fire you, Donald Trump.’”Sinbad

Nobody could like Donald Trump, surely, except his mother. No one really likes The Donald. But how can you not have respect for a guy who’s been down on the floor and just keeps coming back? Nothing will keep Donald Trump down until they drive a wooden stake in his heart and a silver bullet in his brain.”Felix Dennis

“…Cruz’s speeches are marked by what you might call pagan brutalism. There is not a hint of compassion, gentleness and mercy. Instead, his speeches are marked by a long list of enemies, and vows to crush, shred, destroy, and bomb them. When he is speaking in a church the contrast between the setting and the emotional tone he sets is jarring.”David Brooks/The Brutalism of Ted Cruz/NYTimes

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

REFERENCES

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/all-donald-trump-does-is-win-%e2%80%93-until-he-doesnt-now-what-happens/ar-BBp1Wgf?ocid=spartandhp

http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/02/opinions/republican-iowa-results-stanley/index.html

http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/02/politics/new-york-daily-news-donald-trump/index.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/02/trolls-and-nazis-mourn-trump-loss.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/01/donald-trump-the-hater-is-now-a-loser.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/just-how-dumb-does-donald-trump-think-americans-are/2016/02/01/6de4e37e-c927-11e5-a7b2-5a2f824b02c9_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-f%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/ben-carson-accuses-ted-cruz-of-using-dirty-tricks-to-win-iowa/ar-BBp1Mmw?ocid=spartandhp

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

 

 
6 Comments

Posted by on February 3, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Thank You for Being So Stupid (Strictly Satire)

Do you know what I discovered this week?   I owe a few people in the news some personal thank you notes in response to some of the things they have said and done recently.  They claim to be Born-Again Christians, and as a Born-Again believer, I have been greatly offended and embarrassed by them (mortified would be a better word).  But this week I had an “Aha” moment after the debut of Kim Davis, the Kentucky County Clerk!  I realized that nobody could be that stupid—that her shtick must be a ruse.  And the people who championed her—Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz (and let us not forget dear, precious Donald Trump)—must be agents for the Democratic Party who have been planted to bring down the Republican Party as we know it, tie up the 2016 Presidential election in a bow and deliver it to the Democrats, and destroy the bigoted, narrow-minded arm of the Christian Church in such a way that people will stop going to those kinds of churches for a hundred years or more.  Oh my God, it is so obvious—why didn’t I see that before?  Carry on, “Christian Soldiers”—you’re doing a kick-ass job!

Cruz Davis Huckabee Hate John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune, Cagle Cartoons

***

KIM DAVIS (Kentucky County Clerk)

Kim Davis I John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

Dear Kim:

Thank you so much for the amazing way you’ve drawn attention to the great hypocrisy within certain sections of Christianity.  The hardcore fear and ignorance that you are standing your ground on, as you pretend to be obeying the “voice of God,” is a stroke of genius.  Sister-friend, you are my hero!  Most Americans have no idea that you are a plant to destroy the credibility of those ignorant, racist, homophobic, holier-than-thou citizens who claim to be “true Americans” as Sarah Palin calls them.  (Speaking of SP, I’ve often thought she was a double agent for the Democratic Party by the way she almost single-handedly ushered in the nomination for Barack Obama in 2008 with her birther nonsense, because nobody could actually be that stupid. But as a secret agent I’m sure you won’t be able to confirm or deny Palin’s espionage status.  That’s cool.) 

Anyway, my Christian Sister, you have got this holier-than-thou thing down pat.  The long dresses, the hair hanging down to your butt, the sanctimonious face, the dowdy look, the feigned ignorance, the vitriolic speech, and not to mention the church attendance three times a week.  Wow, impressive!  You go, girl!  But I do have to ask how you justify the three divorces and four marriages in your life? (You can tell me; I won’t reveal your secret.) Were you already divorced three times before you became an agent?  ‘Cause that does cause a problem as far as your brand of Biblical credibility is concerned, and it definitely causes people to throw up in their mouths over the hypocrisy of it all.  I mean, don’t get me wrong—I’m not judging you at all.  All of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, so the Bible says.  But it kind of skewers your credibility as a guardian of traditional Christian marriage against the sin of homosexuals getting married, doesn’t it?  But maybe that is the point.  People will see through your hypocrisy and flee the Christian Church.   We’re hanging by a thread as it is.  Hopefully, they will stay away until all the haters and hypocrites are swept out of the Church like Jesus did the money changers in the temple in Jerusalem.  Boy, you’re good, Kim!

And between you and me, how did you deal with the disparity of not obeying the other Biblical laws that are found in and around the same Old Testament passages about God “hating homosexuals.”  For instance, I read that you’ve had four kids which are all in their twenties now—including a set of twins born out of wedlock.  (Once again, I don’t judge you, girlfriend—shit happens.  I get it.)  Surely, at least one of those kids must have rebelled against you as a parent.  (I raised teenagers, and girl—they are a trip!  If I had known you could stone them for being mouthy and rebellious, I might be in jail today.)  Are all of yours still alive or did you kill some of them as the Old Testament demands?  You know that scripture in Deuteronomy that says: “If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you.”  Oh, my God!  And, Honey, why are you still alive given the scripture in Leviticus 20 that is just three verses above the one about gays that you’re quoting as your right not to do your job, which says:  “And the man that commits adultery with another man’s wife, even he that commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.”  Holy Moly, how did you and at least one of your husbands not get stoned for the sin of adultery as staunch Bible literalists?  You are so courageous, sister-friend.

We the People Kim D Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons

Cartoon Used by Permission: Taylor Jones Political cartoons, Cagle Cartoons

I can see why Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz likened you to Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks.  The dichotomy is so obvious—enough to make people flee in disgust, actually.  Those two have got to be double agents, as well, to suggest something so stupid.  Mike and Ted can’t possibly think that the majority of Americans are that clueless to equate your refusal as a government employee to facilitate the constitutional rights of some are the same as two of our greatest heroes’ actions that fought to promote and establish constitutional rights for all American citizens.  I’ve got to send Mike and Ted thank you notes.  Well played, Kim—making us think that you’re suffering for Christ.  The more you press home that erroneous lie, the more people will see through the smoke screen.  (I loved the way you came out of the jail the other day—arms raised to the heavens while the Rocky theme song blared in the background.  Nice touch—appearing to play the martyr—by simply refusing to do your $80,000/year government job passed down to you by your mother.  It made my stomach turn, and as a Christian, I was mortified because there are Christians actually suffering imprisonment, torture, and death in North Korea, Somalia, Iraq, and Pakistan, just to name a few of the twenty or more countries. But I’m sure that is what you wanted Americans to feel so that we would get as far away from these shenanigans cooked up by the religious right as soon as possible.  Well played, my friend—well played!

Kim Davis and Parks Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune/Cagle Cartoon

So keep on keepin’ on Saint Kim.  (I hear that you’ve returned to work—refusing to do your job but refusing to step aside as well.  That a girl!)  Maybe our eyes will be opened to the lies that your espionage is trying to expose.  Tell Huckabee and Cruz that their strategy is working to give the 2016 Presidential election to the Democrats.  No one in their right mind will show up in the voting booth for any Republican candidates in 2016 if they keep on acting like the majority of us are stupid, which is really a shame, because not all Christians are hypocrites and not all Republicans are idiots.

P.S. Is The Donald the “head double agent” for single-handedly destroying the Republican Party and all of its candidates?  Next time you see him, tell him he is doing a great job and is probably the sole reason Hillary will be sitting pretty in the White House next year.  He is a true American hero—the White Supremacists, the Neo-Nazis, and the Conservative Evangelicals love him to death.

Trump Crazy John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” OPRAH MOMENT) ABOUT KIM DAVIS, MIKE HUCKABEE, AND TED CRUZ

I am discovering that the three Musketeers of Christian bigotry and hatred (Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, and Ted Cruz) must think most of us have stupid written on our foreheads—especially if we are Born-Again Christians.  (Well, Baby, my Mama didn’t raise no fool!)  I’m here to declare that I am a proud Born-Again believer who loves Jesus to pieces and tries her best to do right by her God, and I abhor what Kim Davis has done and is doing.  I think Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are using that poor schmuck of a woman to instill fear and get money from the unthinking masses.   IMHO, they will toss Kim Davis out of their orbit like yesterday’s garbage when she no longer suits their fear-mongering purposes.  I sure hope she socked away a lot of savings from her overpaid government job in Kentucky that is denying the rights of people who pay her salary because she is going to need it when she loses her job—as she should.  Oy!

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”—P. J. O’Rourke

“Along with racial equality and the late bloom of women’s rights, future generations will have to explain how, in the past, gays were misunderstood and publicly humiliated for loving each other, and, eventually, how they stood together and conquered stupidity and hypocritical hatred, and fought their way out of marginalization.”—iO Tillett Wright

ALL INSPRATIONAL QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquotes.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)*?  ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

Do you wonder why the author knows so much about what is happening behind the scenes in the Religious Right Movement and the political realm?  That’s because she used to be one of them.  She has lived it, survived it, and recorded it all in her latest book:  Fleeing Ozon sale now at Amazon.  It’s a funny, yet harrowing, testimony of escaping “The Church” with her faith intact.  Check it out!

REFERENCES

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/11/kim_davis_is_the_new_face_of_the_religious_right_angry_marginalized_and_increasingly_desperate_partner/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/11/kim_davis_is_the_new_face_of_the_religious_right_angry_marginalized_and_increasingly_desperate_partner/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2015/09/the-case-against-kim-davis-is-not-predicated-on-her-hypocrisy/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/14/back_at_square_one_defiant_kim_davis_returned_to_work_monday_and_declared_that_she_will_continue_not_to_do_her_job/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2015/09/pat-robertson-kim-davis-in-the-right-gays-wont-rest-until-christians-are-in-jail/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/09/the_vengeful_god_of_kim_davis_the_powerful_forces_we_ignore_when_we_fixate_on_one_kentucky_clerk/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/09/mika_brzezinski_tears_into_hypocritical_mike_huckabee_for_refusing_to_answer_a_simple_question_about_marriage_in_the_bible/

 
10 Comments

Posted by on September 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Jive Time Turkey: A Satire

Do you know what I’ve discovered?  When I don’t get enough REM sleep, I tend to have crazy dreams.  I’ve been working night and day to get my book, Monsters’ Throwdown, ready to launch during the second week of December (the cover is finished and it is soooooo fantastic), but when I finally got some shut-eye, I had dreams about a turkey.  Not just any turkey, but the one that is being pardoned by the President next week.  He kept screaming:  “I DON’T WANT TO BE PARDONED.  I WANT TO DIE!  I HATE THIS PLACE—HUMANS ARE A DISGRACE.”

He was in a psychiatrist’s office—lying on a couch and chatting with my alter-ego who was his therapist.  Even though what the turkey said sounded like gobbledygook to me, Dalai Mama understood him perfectly because he’s a “jive turkey” and she has spoken “jive” for years.  (For the uninitiated, a Jive Turkey is, “One who speaks as though they know what they’re talking about…though they do not—a bullshitter,” Urban Dictionary, and Jive is, “a form of slang associated with black American jazz musicians.”)

Turkey Quiting America Cagle

Used by Permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle||Cagle Cartoons

In my dream, Mr. Turkey was dressed in the disguise of an owl and was thrashing back and forth in an agonized state.  The Dalai Mama was trying to calm Jive Turkey down and get him to tell her what was so agitating.

DALAI MAMA:   Yo’ Jive Time Turkey, how’s it hanging—what’s the word from the herd (the other turkeys)?

JIVE TURKEY:     I’ve escaped, dag gobble—that’s the word!  I’m on the lam from Farmer John’s place in Badger, Minnesota.  I just found out that all the extra food and fluffing of the tail that I’ve been getting was so that he could bring me to Washington, DC next week to be pardoned by the President.  Then I’m to be sent to Mt. Vernon to live out the rest of my days.  But I don’t want to live, I tell you!  I hate people—they are the scourge of the Earth.  God should start all over again with a new batch.

DALAI MAMA:   Seriously, Jive Turkey, it’s not that bad—we’re not that bad.  Are you in the know about this pardon or are you a solid bringer-downer (a person who worries about nothing)?  This just doesn’t jive” (doesn’t make sense).  Usually they pick a turkey from much closer to home.

JIVE TURKEY:     Of course it jives!  I saw Farmer John flip the grip (shake hands) on the deal with some Lothario from Ontario (a fast worker or charmer) who flew out from DC a couple of weeks ago to check me out.  Once I knew it was a done deal, I concocted this owl disguise and flew the coop.  Pretty clever, if I do say so myself.  Bet you’ve never heard of stuffed owl for Thanksgiving.

Turkey in Owl disguise cheezburger dot com

Meme from Joanhascheezburger.com

DALAI MAMA:   You mean that Farmer John doesn’t know you’re gone?  This isn’t hep (cool) Jive Turkey.  I could get into a lot of trouble for not turnin’ you in to your farmer.  Besides, Farmer John must have thought you had the chops (ability, skill set) to do this gig, or he wouldn’t have chosen you.  It’s true that America has a few bad apples, but for the most part, we’re a decent people—I’m just layin’ it on you straight (telling it like it is).  Have you ever been to a Thanksgiving dinner at the home of an American family?

JIVE TURKEY:     Yes, I have, as a matter of fact.  I got a sneak preview of an upcoming family Thanksgiving dinner from looking into a crystal ball.   I was a voyeur to what I thought was going to be a swellelegant (wonderful, marvelous) event, but it turned out to be a blood bath.  They were all buckets from Nantucket (heavy drinkers), and it didn’t take long for the family of ten to descend into chaos.  All I could think was:  is this the reason 46 million of my peeps gave up their lives—so that people could treat each other like Turkey ca-ca?

DALAI MAMA:   What??  What happened?

JIVE TURKEY:     My friend Bernice was the sacrificial poultry for the family I observed.   The sister-in-law insisted on cooking the dinner—it being her first.  I suspect she was awfully jealous of her husband’s wife’s monopoly of the holiday.  She didn’t thaw Bernice in time, forgot to take out her guts, and overcompensated by turning the oven up to 500 degrees—charcoaling Bernie’s hide while undercooking her insides.  Everyone got food poisoning, but before they all ended up in the hospital, I almost solid blew my top (went crazy) at their family ideology and communication skills.

The mother kept picking on her adult daughter about her weight and alluding that maybe the size of her tits and ass was the reason she didn’t have a husband yet.  The daughter burst into tears and locked herself in the bathroom for the rest of the dinner.  The brother’s new girlfriend was a good for nothin’ clueless mop (no good woman) who asked:  “What do Jewish people eat on Thanksgiving?”  The brother’s lesbian sister almost hit the girlfriend up side her stupid head with a gourd, but she got distracted when the grandmother’s teeth fell into the mashed potatoes.  The mother’s sister announced that she only likes Thanksgiving for the Black Friday sales, and since stores like Target, Wal-Mart, and the like had opened early that morning and nothing seemed to be going on here, she was going to go shopping.  “Nice visiting with you all—let’s do it again next year!”

Thanksgiving shopper David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Used by permission: David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

The nasty-ass uncle that everyone knows is a pervert (doesn’t every family have one?) started antagonizing his niece and her wife about the Kenyan in the White House and the Obamacare website disaster, because if we had simply asked him (in all his wisdom, having completed one year of a two-year community college), he would have told you that the Kenyan doesn’t know a goddamn thing about what he’s doing and should go back to Africa where he belongs and leave the running of the country to white people.  He made sure we all knew that he respects the office of the president—just not this president.  The aunt (the uncle’s wife) agreed and boasted about their new Facebook “like”:  “Never Apologize for Being White” because agreeing with the contemptible ideology of this group didn’t make her a racist.  The aunt went on to brag about how they were helping people like Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin take back their country for the real Americans.  Which is why, when they took the family out to dinner after church last week and racked up a bill for $95.46 for nine people, they did not tip their lesbian waitress.  They did, however, leave her a note on the receipt that said they were purposely not leaving her a tip because it would be a sin to use God’s money to support her abomination of a lifestyle.   At that point, the aunt’s black adopted sister (also a lesbian) pulled out a pistol from her purse (after all, this was Texas) and shot her sister between the eyes, as the word, “bitch” entangled with the smell of burnt turkey.  The mother started screaming like a banshee and fainted as the dentureless grandmother gummed the words:  “Dis ith dey worth Danksgivin—eva!”

On that note, I had to exodus (flee, make tracks, beat a retreat).  It was then that I made up my mind that I don’t want to live on this planet with you people.  If you can’t get along with your own Jive family then how in the Hell can you get along with the rest of the world.  I hit the in and outer (the door) and left those drips (horrible people) in the dust.  Since then I’ve been reading every news article and watching every media outlet about the situation of man on this planet, and you people don’t get any better. And now I just want to die along with my comrades and be done with you all.

(A special shout out to 25-legit-words-hepcats-jive-talk-dictionary for the Jive words and definitions.)

Thanksgiving The Real Truth

Cartoonist: David Horsey/http://editorialcartoonists.com

I am discovering that there are no other holidays like Thanksgiving.  It is one of the few holidays where we can celebrate without regard to religion, race, or status.  We just need to grab a turkey (or some tofu) along with a deep pint of gratitude, and we’re good to go.  I am also discovering that there are no Norman Rockwell perfect family portraits of Thanksgiving dinner in real life, either.  The problem is, we all try and recreate those fantasies during the holidays, and therein lays the heartbreak:  the more we try to make our families perfect, the more they come undone.

There should be a sign over all of our door frames this Thanksgiving that says:  Relax. Today is detente!  None of us is perfect.  I know you probably resent your mother for all sorts of things, and she thinks you can be a little shit from time to time, but let’s declare this a day of extreme gratefulness and thanksgiving for all our family members—just as they are—(unless it’s Uncle Chester, the family molester, and he shouldn’t be invited, anyway; there is a limit to our hospitality).  Leave your egos at the door and your age-old animosities at home. We will not think about what we don’t have, what we haven’t been to one another, or what we won’t become in the future.  We will praise God for bringing us into the world, we will thank the Lord that we have friends, siblings, children, and grandchildren—imperfect though they may be—and that we are not alone on this Earth.  If we are mourning the death of loved ones, we will still grieve but give a shout out to the Almighty that we woke up alive this morning and can breathe—ready to conquer a new day and to heal a little bit more from the ravages of this world.  And for God’s sake—for your sake—for your family’s sake—remember to forgive with abundance and laugh . . . a lot!

Thanksgiving Table Jeff Parker

Cartoonist:  Jeff Parker|| Florida Today

“It wasn’t easy telling my family that I’m gay. I made my carefully worded announcement at Thanksgiving. It was very Norman Rockwell. I said, ‘Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?’  She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed.” –Bob Smith

“The funny thing about Thanksgiving, or any big meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it then go home and cook, chop, braise and blanch. Then it’s gone in 20 minutes and everybody lies around sort of in a sugar coma and then it takes 4 hours to clean it up.”― Ted Allen, The Food You Want to Eat: 100 Smart, Simple Recipes

“Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, ‘Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England’”. –Jay Leno

***

May your stuffing be tasty

 May your turkey plump,

 May your potatoes and gravy

 have nary a lump.

 May your yams be delicious

 and your pies take the prize,

 and may your Thanksgiving dinner

 stay off your thighs!

Unknown

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MY FELLOW AMERICANS: WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR!

Thanksgiving America Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Used by permission: Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

REFERENCES

http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2013/11/21/news/turkey-presidential-pardon

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Dealing-with-a-Dysfunctional-Family-During-the-Holidays

http://mentalfloss.com/article/51801/25-legit-words-hepcats-jive-talk-dictionary 

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
15 Comments

Posted by on November 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Everybody Talkin’ ‘Bout Heaven Ain’t Goin’ There

Do you know what I’ve discovered?   I have had it with the Tea Party, and the reason is not what you might suspect. Oh, sure, I’m pissed with their attitude of “I’ve got mine, it sucks if you don’ have yours” as they try to bring down the government in their attempt to destroy the black man in the Oval Office and deny health care to millions of people who are without. I’m really furious that this shutdown has been orchestrated since the first minute after President Obama’s reelection by a coalition of conservative activists funded by the Koch Brothers and groups like FreedomWorks, Generation Opportunity, Young Americans for Liberty, and the Tea Party.  These heartless bastards and an arrogant jerk by the name of Ted Cruz have been operating from a “defunding toolkit” that has been wreaking havoc since September to cause the Affordable Care Act to miss its Oct. 1st launch.  (How did that work out for you, Teddy Baby?)

Shutdown I John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Used by permission:  John Cole, The Scranton Times Tribune

I’ve especially had it with the people in the aforementioned groups who claim to “love Jesus” and show up in church every Sunday to praise God, pat each other on the back as to their holiness, and claim to be doing God’s will for the American people while they bear false witness against our President through their media megaphones (Fox News, RedState, Breitbart.com, The Drudge Report, and Rush Limbaugh, just to name a few haters). But what has really pissed me off is that the Tea Party Repubs’ actions have produced a shutdown of our government causing poor families (9 million women and children at last count) to really take a hit for baby formula, nutritional counseling, healthcare referrals, and Head Start while the Tea Party Congressmen run around showboating by moving gates to Washington monuments for veterans on vacation.  Michelle Bachmann, founder of the Tea Party caucus in the House and head-gate mover (with cameras rolling), was “appalled” that the shutdown had affected our vets, and she planned to come by every day to make sure they remained open. I need to ask the self-professed born-again Christian if she was losing any sleep over babies being deprived of nutrition and learning, but then again she’s probably cool with that because it doesn’t affect her kids. (Remember America, you sent these wackos to Washington—what were you thinking?)  And yet Obamacare still rolled on!

Obamacare keeps on rolling Bill Schorr Cagle Cartoons

Used by permission:  Bill Schorr Cagle Cartoons

What is most unforgiveable is that this government shutdown, which could have been avoided and is probably going to be the destruction of the Republican party, released a bored government employee (who I sleep with) into my work space (writer at work) while I was trying to put the finishing touches on my book.  He behaved himself the first two days, and then on the third day, my husband (WW) turned into a terror. I had already survived the cacophony of “Die Hard III, Star Trek II, and The Avengers” blasting from the man cave through all six speakers and causing my office floor to undulate in thunderous rolls as I (ear plugs entrenched) tried to finish off my edits.  But my desk kept bouncing and my fingers kept misfiring, causing me to type a manuscript page of 3 parts gibberish and 7 parts curses!  All of a sudden it got quiet and stayed that way for a couple of hours.  I assumed WW was asleep, and as I picked up the phone to make a very important call, you-know-who cracked opened my office door that has a sign on it that says “Keep Out! Writer at Work!” and peeked his head in.

WW:     Hey, what you doin’?

MOI:      (Seriously???)  Tryin’ to get ahold of Jesus.

WW:     On the phone?

MOI:      What?  You got a better system of reaching The Almighty?

WW:     No, not really.  Dare I ask why you’re trying to reach Jesus?

MOI:      Originally it was to have him zap your big-screen TV with a lightning bolt into the pit of Hell.  But you have since quieted down, and now I’m calling to tattle on those members of the Republican Congress who boast about being the party of God but who are causing vulnerable people to suffer.  I’m trying to reach God to see if he’ll fricassee their asses and give John Boehner a good smack upside the head to bring this government shutdown to a close.  There are people who live from paycheck to paycheck who are really suffering because of this mess started by Ted Cruz. And not being self-centered, but I need you to go back to work, babe. You’re killing me with your restlessness.

WW:     Well, I got quiet because I left and went to the electronics’ store and bought us a new router so that everything will run three times as fast in my man cave and your office.  And once the cable man shows up, you’ll even be able to see who is calling you while you’re watching TV.  Won’t that be cool? Can you imagine relaxing in front of your favorite show, the phone rings, but without even moving a hair, you’ll know who is on the phone when the TV scrolls:  “Baby-girl is calling!”  And best of all, I saved us $60 per month on expenses.

(Any purchase is wonderful to WW if a deal can be done.)

September 23, 2013

Used by permission:  Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News

MOI:      (Groan)  Noooooo. . .I don’t want that crap interrupting my TV shows—no matter how much money you’ve saved.  And how long will the cable man be putzing around the house and interrupting my writing?  I’m still in my PJs.

WW:     No worries—it won’t be long, I promise.  Be glad I’m home to take care of all these important upgrades.  It’s good to have a man around the house.  But first things first:  get off the phone, shut down your computer, and turn off your phone so the cable man can change it all over to the new modem.  Maybe you should go get a mani-pedi while the cable man and I get everything up to speed.

I got dressed.  I did errands.  I returned.

Nothing worked once the new modem was installed.  It has been three business days and a weekend with WW popping in and out of my office like a jack rabbit.  The cable man couldn’t find the splitter because he was agitated and in a hurry.  He claimed his service calls had quadrupled due to so many furloughed men calling to get cable work done in their man caves.   Our “His and Her” printers were knocked offline by the new equipment and only “his” printer is back up and running, but my manuscripts were due to my beta reading group this weekend.  After much cursing and gnashing of teeth and computer technicians from here to India scratching their heads in perplexity, WW has been clocking nine-hour days trying to restore everything to normal before I completely lose it.  Everything is not back to normal and I have missed oodles of writing time.  Calls were placed to two independent IT people, but they never called back or maybe I missed their names flashing across our fancy TV.   I am desperately trying to get ahold of the Geek Squad or Jesus—whoever comes first.   I need somebody to fix my printer (ASAP) and upend this shutdown (double ASAP) so that I can send my husband back to work before I go insane.

Republican Congress:  I will NEVER forgive you for this!  Not only have you behaved like terrorists and shut down the government, robbing the poor of what they need, but you have robbed me of a week and a half of sanity.  A pox on all your heads!

Tea Party II David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Used by permission:  David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

I am discovering that I’ve been singing the old spiritual “I Got Shoes” for days now as I plot my revenge against the Christian block of the Tea Party (40%) and the Christian voters who believe in the inerrancy of the Bible (67% of population).  This song, like many others during the time of slavery, was a protest song to decry the hypocrisy of the slave owners and/or the ruling class:

I got shoes, you got shoes,

All God’s children got shoes.

When I get to Heav’n gonna put on my shoes,

Gonna walk all over God’s Heav’n, Heav’n, Heav’n,

Everybody talkin’ ‘bout Heav’n ain’t goin’ there,

Heav’n, Heav’n, Heav’n.

Gonna walk all over God’s Heav’n

In actuality, the slaves didn’t have shoes—they were a luxury.  But they knew that in God’s eyes they were equal to all of His other children who had shoes, and that they would assuredly have covering on their feet from a “just God” when they got to Heaven.  They also knew that those who had plenty of shoes on Earth and proclaimed the name of Christ were not necessarily going to Heaven unless they lived according to the dictates of Jesus. Basically, “shoes on Earth” was all the “haves” were going to get because they had failed to “love their neighbor as themselves.”  Be afraid, Tea Party peeps—be very afraid.  I’ve told you before—God don’t like ugly!

obama thinking jesus about dot com

**********

“The lyricist continues, exclaiming that ‘everybody talkin’ ‘bout Heav’n ain’t goin’ there.’ Here, the emphasis is on hypocrisy. The slave master, claiming to be Christian, goes to church every Sunday morning, where he and other congregants talk and sing about Jesus and Heaven. But when he returns to the plantation on Sunday afternoon, he presides over a decidedly un-Heavenly, immoral enterprise, slavery, and participates actively in the un-Heavenly and immoral physical, emotional . . . abuse of other human beings.”The Spirituals Project at the University of Denver

“Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”—Proverbs 19:17

“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,   I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’   Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?  And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?  And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’  And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”  Matthew 25: 35-40

“Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.”—Psalm 82:3

“If your brother becomes poor and cannot maintain himself with you, you shall support him as though he were a stranger and a sojourner, and he shall live with you. Take no interest from him or profit, but fear your God, that your brother may live beside you.”—Leviticus 25:35-36

https://www.facebook.com/Christiansagainstea

REFERENCES

http://radio.foxnews.com/2013/10/06/government-shutdown-was-planned-for-months-by-ed-meese-koch-bros/

http://swampland.time.com/2013/10/04/poor-families-taking-a-hit-from-government-shutdown/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 
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Posted by on October 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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