ONE FAMILY IN GOD’S EYES

Do you know what I discovered this week?  Charlottesville and Houston had similar “aha” moments for me.  I’ve basically been sitting in sackcloth and ashes for several weeks—unable to pray to God or write a blog—ever since the hate-filled murderous march of the KKK/Neo Nazis/Alt-right in Charlottesville.  Back when I was a child, they wore hoods to hide their faces—now they are unashamed to commit murder with open faces and lit torches to illuminate their visceral hate.  I have been numb ever since—barely able to breathe and scared stiff for every Jew, African-American, Latino, and anyone with the slightest melanin in their skin.  Worried sick that this hatred would wash up on the shores of my children and grandson’s lives.

At first I just put on a shapeless, itchy, sackcloth dress (think burlap coffee sack) while still wearing full diva makeup to signify my mournful state, but when Trump refused to issue a full-throated rebuke to the KKK/Neo-Nazis/Alt-right demons who proclaimed their racist hatred in his name, I stripped my face of makeup and smeared my body with ashes like the old biblical characters.  I also expected to hear a loud thunderous rebuke from the Christians who support Trump about his lackluster rebuke of our domestic terrorists, but all I heard were crickets.  White Christians I once knew who once upon a time said they loved me “in the Lord” were now justifying the actions of the White Supremacists on their Facebook pages.  I was so hurt that I sat down on the ground and proceeded to engage in an African death ritual.  In the dust I mourned the passing of truth, the manifestation of the love of Jesus, as well as my naïve concept of our national unity.

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons.com

Then Hurricane Harvey struck, and I really started crying.  Not just crying, but sobbing—that ugly hysterical kind of crying, which turns you into a Tammy Faye Bakker replica.  I cried because I couldn’t see God anywhere in all this horrible devastation.

But on the third day, I noticed something that gave me hope that he might be on the move:  American men and women of all stripes risking their lives to save people of all stripes and not one of them asked if the other were something they weren’t or didn’t like.  Christians rescuing non-Christians, straight rescuing gay, immigrant rescuing life-long Texans, Blacks rescuing Whites, and vice versa.  They all were elated to help and be helped.   It was then that I got up out of the ashes, and started writing letters of observation to God because it looked as if he had showed up in the storm.

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

DEAR JESUS:

It’s me—Eleanor.  You know, the one who is constantly nagging you day and night about the sorry state of our human affairs.

I’ve been wondering where you’ve been.  The scientists are saying this situation in Texas is a 1,000-year flood event unprecedented in scale, and places in and around Texas may never recover.

You’ve been awful quiet of late.  Were you dealing with the severe flooding in Asia which I hear has caused a couple thousand deaths, and there may be more to come in the monsoon season?  Or were you preoccupied with the despair in Africa over the severe famine that may starve out 20 million souls before all is said and done?  Oh, I almost forgot about Syria—maybe you were there.   I feel kind of wretched having barely noticed those other tragedies, but when it comes to my own country, I can’t sleep over the devastation in Texas.  I know I should be more global thinking and feeling, but these are my countrymen and women, and it is in the country where I live.  Right now the devastation in Texas is breaking my heart.  The police don’t know how many still haven’t been rescued and the poor (who always seem to bear the brunt of these disasters) may not be able to recover—ever.  Please help, please save, please deliver, and please restore my sisters and brothers—my human family—in Texas!

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

DEAR JESUS:

It’s me again.  I’m sitting here scratching my allergic reaction to my burlap bag and wondering why you allow so much suffering to happen to us.  I know that humans have been asking their gods this since the evolution of man, and it has always remained a very squishy topic and a mystery.  It would be a lot simpler if you sat down for an interview on CNN or with the NY Times and did a Q&A on the subject.  You could start out by making yourself visible (not being able to see you creates more problems than you can possibly imagine) and letting us know that you are more than our pathetic miniature concepts of you as a god.  Maybe we could withstand the trauma of the journey better if we understood the “why” of the destination.  There are a lot of precious people in Texas who are never going to be able to put their lives back together again.  The rich might be able to, but the poor won’t.

Before I fled Oz (the Christian Church), I used to glibly look at disasters like Texas and equate it to your will—your judgment for some sin that had gotten on your nerves—as if you were a petulant Greek god.  (I’m sure you’re appalled to hear that attributed to your character, just as I am horrified to admit it.)   Let’s just say I had been taught about the essence of your character by some very ignorant people, which is why I no longer attend church.  At least I’m “woke” now.  Now I know you are a God of love and spewing destruction is not in your wheelhouse.

But do you know what will probably make you vomit?  When Hurricane Sandy hit the New York area, Christian leaders like Dobson, Robertson, Franklyn Graham (and many Texan Mega-Church Christians) blamed it on your wrath for the liberal ways of those “northern elites” who supported abortion and gay marriage.  Two Texas (born-again Christians) Republicans tried to block relief and recovery aid to New York and New Jersey.  When Hurricane Katrina practically wiped out New Orleans, those same folks blamed the gay and lesbian communities.  Houston has at least 37 mega churches and 53,525 Christian adherents per every 100,000 persons.  Yet, I haven’t heard one Christian conservative call Hurricane Harvey—the worst disaster in American history—an act of God’s will because of some perceived sin(s) committed by the Texans.  Isn’t that ironic?

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

DEAR JESUS:

Okay, I did find an egregious sin in Houston that warrants your immediate smack down.  There’s this dude who claims to know you and speak for you.  His name is Joel Osteen.  He has a church of 43,500 attendees and a facility so huge that you could show up one Sunday in all your glory surrounded by 10,000 twelve-foot angels, and no one would ever notice you were there—that is, if you ever deigned to set foot in the place.  His church is the biggest in Houston.  Osteen is reportedly worth $40 million and lives in a $10 million mansion in Houston’s River Oaks neighborhood, and all of it gotten by trying to sell access to a prosperous life via you.  (Is this bringing up shades of you ridding the temple of the money lenders back in the day?)

Anyway, I’m writing to squeal on Osteen’s behind.  While furniture stores were opening up their businesses to house refugees, sporting goods stores were housing entire emergency rescue teams, and ordinary people were taking in strangers in their homes, this dude shuttered his church (your so-called house) doors.  Twenty-five mosques opened their doors immediately upon the onset of the storm to become centers of refuge for their fellow citizens—regardless of religion. Meanwhile, down in the flooded streets of Houston, people were using whatever would float to rescue others, and I even saw a couple guys wearing hats with the NWA logo (“Niggas with Attitudes”) carrying a little ol’ White lady through the flood water to safety.

Now Osteen says he didn’t really close the church (there is a video that shows otherwise). His church is open now, but only because Twitter went all, “Hell to the no, Joel Osteen–you should have been the first in line to rescue your fellow Houstonians after all the money you’ve soaked them for.”   HOWEVER, he later contradicted himself and said he didn’t initially open his church because he was never asked to open it as a rescue center.  (FYI—none of the thousands of volunteers who showed up were asked, they were simply being human.)

May I suggest you talk to your boy, Lord Jesus, and get him to straighten up and fly right. Cause if you don’t, Houston is getting ready to open up a can of whup ass on him for being so “un-Christlike.”  While you’re at it, would you mind schooling Osteen on the fact that the “prosperity doctrine” he pushes in your name (God will make Christians rich if they give at least 10% of their money to people like him so he can have a house the size of a hotel and a private jet) is pretty obscene, and it has nothing to do with you?  Osteen and all the rest of that prosperity gospel gang (most of whom are ardent supporters of Donald Trump) are really giving you a bad rep.  By the time they are finished, you won’t be able to pay people to become Christians.  Just looking out for your reputation.  Love and Kisses, Eleanor

Joel Osteen, Christian Empathy Award Winner of the Year

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) REGARDING GOD IN THE MIDST OF PAIN

I am discovering that the spirit of Christ is always in our midst no matter how dark the night or how deep the pain—if we choose to acknowledge that presence.  If there is anything good, or lovely, selfless or kind, there Jesus is. That’s what I got woke to years ago, and I hope and pray that if I am ever caught up in a disaster such as the one in Houston, or Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, or September 11^th, that I’ll be one of the people God can count on to administer his love, his grace, his mercy, and his comfort to those around me regardless of who they are and without hesitation.

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson, CagleCartoons.com

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

 “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”—John 15:13

“Nature is value-free. It can’t tell the role between the deserving and the undeserving. God’s role is not to decide where the hurricane goes and how severe it is. God’s role is to motivate people to help neighbors and improve methods to predict hurricanes. God is found not in the problem, but in the resilience.”—Rabbi Kushner, author of “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”

“You, me, and the citizens of this country carry a special burden in 2017. We have to do what our president has not. We have to uphold America’s values. We have to do what he will not.”—Vice President, Joe Biden

***

WANT TO READ MORE OF THE AUTHOR’S WORK?  CHECK OUT HER LATEST BOOK:  “THE FETUS CHRONICLES: PODCASTS FROM MY MISEDUCATED SELF” ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT HER WEBSITE: www.eleanortomczyk.com

*** 

REFERENCES

http://www.thedailybeast.com/joel-osteens-prosperity-gospel-made-him-houstons-hurricane-pariah 

http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/29/opinions/joel-osteen-hypocrisy-harvey-filipovic-opinion/index.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/joel-osteen-lakewood-church-houston-harvey_us_59a6ac7fe4b084581a148cef?ncid=inblnkushpmg00000009

http://www.salon.com/2017/08/30/religious-leaders-like-joel-osteen-are-a-big-reason-why-americans-are-dumping-religion/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

RECLAIMING MY TIME

Do you know what I discovered this week?  #1.  Trump is here to stay for a very, very, very long time (no matter how much I try and wish him away)—he ain’t never gonna change, and his supporters’ support for him ain’t never gonna change.  #2.  Trump does and will occupy our media cycles 24/7 until he leaves office, probably through 2024.  #3. No matter how much I try to remain vigilant against what columnist Ruth Marcus calls this “one-man assailant against the rule of law,” I still can’t get through to the people I know who are supporting Trump, because they think I’m—at best—a purveyor of “fake news”—at worst—a spawn of the anti-Christ.

I sure do miss President Obama because you really don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

Recent sign pasted to street post in Washington, DC

Everyday there is some stupidity visited upon us by “President” Trump, and as I spend hours upon hours trying to decipher what this all means in the scheme of things—the end of the world as we know it—I am made painfully aware that his reign could outlast my life, and then what good would all that worry and fretting get me except an early admittance ticket to the grave.

This was brought to my attention by my ophthalmologist just the other day.  I am 69 years old and have to get my eyes checked every six months to see if I have glaucoma (an inevitable rite of passage for someone with African/Cherokee Indian heritage roller blading through old age).   Apropos to nothing, my sanguine 45 year old eye doctor started spewing his views about aging.

DOC:   You know, I don’t want to live past 75.

ME:  Oh, why not?

DOC:  Because nothing good really happens to your body after 75—like nothing good happens after midnight, so you might as well leave the club, go home, and get some sleep.  Most of my patients are 65 and older.  The ones up to 75 seem to be treading the water of life very well, but the ones between 75 – 80 start disintegrating on all sorts of levels.  They wake up one day and suddenly they need a hip replacement here, a knee replacement there, or a quadruple bi-pass here, maybe a prostrate extraction there, a cataract surgery here or macular degeneration therapy there, not to forget a touch of dementia here or full-blown Alzheimer’s there . . .  It is not a pretty sight.  Generally, my patients tell me that by the time a person turns 85—95, their best friends are usually their doctors because they are the people the octogenarians/nonagenarians see on a regular basis, since most of their social connections are usually dead by the time they are in their late eighties.  Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule, given one’s DNA and all.

ME:  You know I’m 69 right, and you’re telling me this scary shit?  You don’t know my life.

DOC:  How long did your mother live?

ME:  Mom died at 70 and her sister died at 75.  So what are you saying to me?

DOC:  Hum . . .  I’m not a fortune teller, but if I were you, I wouldn’t waste your life because it is probably going to be shorter than you think.

By the time I left the eye doctor’s (eyes so dilated from five different drops in my pupils I could barely drive home), I felt like I had been in an underwater episode of Scrooge with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come as my spirit guide of things yet to behold.  It really made me think:  If it is true that I probably have only six good, strong years ahead of me before body parts go spinning off in different directions like the wheels of a poorly made go-cart (I’ve already lost a uterus), I better start changing my ways—no more wasting time.

So I started making a list of things that are time sucks in my everyday routine:

#1.  Scary news about Donald Trump 24/7

#2.  Abscessing about scary news about Donald Trump 24/7

#3. . . .

Just as I was about to type in my third example of a Trump time suck, my cable system imploded.  I promptly got on the phone, waited 20 minutes for someone to answer at my local cable company, told them my problem (“My internet is down for the 20^th time since the beginning of the new year when one of your incompetent installers didn’t put in the most up-to-date modem”), at which the operator on the other end promptly replied:  “Yeah, he was an independent contractor—not one of our ‘real employees.’  You’re going to need our new super-duper, panoramic WiFi system which is guaranteed to solve all of your internet needs.  A ‘real’ technician is scheduled to arrive sometime between 8:00 – 10:00 a.m.  If the tech doesn’t arrive within that time frame, we will reimburse you $20.00.”

My local cable company arrived thirty minutes late.  “J,” originally from Barbados, was very nice and fed me the script that I learned must be part of the cable company handbook:  “I will definitely get everything running—not going to leave before I do.”  After two hours, “J” had installed a new fancy-dancy WiFi system and made sure I understood that when I got the survey about his work performance that I gave him all “10’s” because anything less was considered a failing grade in the company.

When husband returned that night, he discovered that his computer could no longer receive WiFi, both TVs could no longer access Netflix, and, although the company would send us a technician the next day (between 10:00 – 12:00), we could not get our $20.00 late-show fee because we needed to phone it in at a certain time which happened to NOT be the time we were phoning it in.

The next day, the technician “R” from Mexico arrived 30 minutes late.  I could speak better Spanish than he could speak English, AND I CAN’T SPEAK SPANISH!  He could say the prerequisite:  “I will definitely get eberything runnin’—not goinna leave befo’ I do,” but little else.  It was his first day on the job.  After much hemming and hawing, he announced:

“Oder tech not do good job.  Ju need (how ju say it?) a stender and two new ebrything.”

“Is that going to cost me any more money?  I’m already paying extra for upgraded Wifi.”

“Asck billin’—I jes tech.”

Tech stayed all day, then finally fled five hours later in complete frustration, promising to return with his supervisor to finish the job, but had to get to next jobs or he’d get fired for not completing his tech log that day.   I skipped three errands, cancelled one appointment, researched nothin for my next book, never meditated, and almost blew a gasket from frustration.

The cable tech never returned.

Somewhere between the entry into Cable Company Hell and the fourth level of Dante’s Inferno, a cheery customer service person called:

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Tomczyk.  This is your local cable company calling to see how our service was today.  Did everything get completed to your satisfaction?  You know, service is our game, and excellence is our aim!”

“ARE YOU SHITTIN’ ME!?!”

Husband returned home that evening expecting everything to be in tip-top shape and made the mistake of asking me how my day had gone.  I assaulted him with a stream of dragon fire, turned the cable company files over to him, and before abdicating my position as Internet Project Manager, I informed him that “R’s” manager (“M”) would arrive between 6:00 – 8:00 that night to fix the debacle his “first-day-on-the-job-non-English-speaking-employee” had left behind.

Sometime during dinner, “M” from Virginia by way of Morocco showed up and Hubbie and I threw up our agitated, frustrated word salad all over him which basically came down to the meaning of four words:  “FIX IT, CABLE DUDE!”

“Absolutely, Mr. and Mrs. Tomczyk.  I am the supervisor of 15 techs.  If I can’t fix it, no one can.  I will definitely get everything up and running—not going to leave before I do!”

Two hours later and two cold dinners left uneaten, after “M” extracted a promise that we’d give him all “10s” because “anything less is a failing grade,” he left the scene of the crime.  Ten minutes after he’d gone, I discovered that the phones (land lines), which run through the cable system, didn’t work.   After staying on hold for thirty minutes (thank God for cell phones), Hubbie was told by the cable company, not to worry about our phones, it was an outage in the area (not our specific problem) that would be corrected by them in a couple hours.

They lied.  None of our neighbors’ phones were dead.  Only ours.  AAUUUGH!

The next day, “A” from Russia, by way of California arrived and said that all the rest of the techs had screwed up the repair job.  He was a senior technician and announced that the cable company should never have sent a novice employee—the job was extremely complicated.  The entire system was not getting enough signal, parts that had been added had to be removed, and parts that should have been included were added.  Hours later and several drilled holes into my newly painted house siding previously not there, the Russian tech left after pleading that we’d give him all 10s because anything less would mean a failing job.  He then added:

“The survey’s first question will be what you think about my cable company.  Although you’ll be tempted to give them a zero rating after the experience you’ve had over the past several days, PLEASE, PLEASE give them a 10, because even though I wasn’t the tech that caused your previous problems, they will give me a failing mark for not convincing you to give the company a stellar grade.”

Two hours after the tech left, I noticed my back-up laptop couldn’t receive a wireless signal.

Recalling all the previous machinations I’d observed from each of the cable techs over the last several days and unwilling to waste any more of my precious time, I fixed it myself!

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT WASTING TIME

I am discovering that I have a new heroine:  Maxine Waters, The International Finance System Committee’s ranking Democrat.  She’s Black, she’s old (78), and she suffers no fools.  Recently when Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin was testifying before the committee about why he had not responded to a letter from her regarding Trump’s financial ties to Russia, he tried to “play” her and not answer her questions by slathering her with platitudes and compliments, apparently trying to run out the clock since each committee member only gets a strict amount of time for questions.  Girlfriend was having none of that bullshit.  She kept repeating— ad nauseam —“reclaiming my time, reclaiming, my time, reclaiming my time . . .” Auntie Maxine Waters kept repeating her declarative statement until the committee chairman silenced Mnuchin.

Congresswoman, Maxine Waters “Reclaiming her time!”

I am reclaiming my time from all things that are wasting it—especially from things that I can’t control.  I have become a slave to the 24/7 news updates as I comb the Internet for any indication that Trump is going down in flames and that his supporters finally “got woke,” as the kids say, and are abandoning him—relieving us from this national nightmare that this cartoon of a President has thrust upon us.  I realized the other day that none of this may happen anytime soon—if ever.  I have no doubt that Trump will go down in history as the worst president we’ve ever had, but even when his supporters are completely scandalized and demoralized by him, the majority of them will never admit they were wrong because their identity is so tied up in his success.   In the meantime, my life is rapidly moving toward the exit door.

I will continue to pray and fight the good fight, BUT, I have put reading, viewing, and listening to the news on appointment:  a couple hours in the a.m. while I exercise and then shutdown.  No responding to pinging news updates on my phone or bedtime news updates that rob me of my sleep.

As to my local cable company’s time sucking enterprise, the next time my Internet implodes, I’ll go sit in one of the bucolic areas of my house or deck and read a wonderful book—knowing that my local cable company is incompetent and will be here for days, so I might as well chill and reclaim the time by improving my mind.

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT WASTING TIME

“If time be of all things the most precious, wasting time must be the greatest prodigality.”—Benjamin Franklin

“There’s no good way to waste your time. Wasting time is just wasting time.”—Helen Mirren

“I’m not a big sleeper. It just feels like wasting time. If I wake up, and it’s after 5 A.M., I stay up.”—Margherita Missoni

“Ditto, Margherita Missoni!”—Eleanor Tomczyk

***

THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK:  “The Fetus Chronicles:  Podcasts From my Miseducated Fetus Self” is on sale now at Amazon!

THE AUTHOR’S LATEST MAINSTREAM ARTICLES:

“What Humans Need to Know Before Being Born”

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

***
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

DEAL WITH THE DEVIL

Do you know what I discovered this week that drove me to take up meditation? 

Donald Trump, Jr. did something nasty with the Russians and he’s lying through his teeth about it

The John Birch Society (that racist, uber-conservative, far-right group of old) is on the rise again

Trump threatening to harm millions out of pure spite by sabotaging healthcare markets

The 81% of White Evangelicals who voted for Trump say he’s the Chosen One

Game of Thrones is back—winter is here, and the war is coming

Fan made Game of Throne Posters/www.ablogofthrones.com

I’m a HUGE “Game of Thrones” fan!  Not that I can keep all the names of the characters straight, but I do know who the bad guys are versus the good guys.  I also know that the characters in the show specialize in betrayal, lying, cruelty, corruption, arrogance, intimidation, and violence.  Kind of like our 45^th president and his cronies—especially “Putty” the Vlad Putin.

While I was watching the first episode of the 7^th Season of GOT, it increasingly dawned on me that we Americans are living in our own “game of thrones.”  81% of White Evangelical Right-Wing Christians voted for Trump, are not swayed by any of his misdoings (they think the negative stories about him are fake news), and they make up a solid core of the 36% that will stick with Trump even if he does shoot someone in the middle of 5^th Avenue as he once promised.  When I heard those stats, I knew eternal winter had come to America.

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The August Chronicle

Since the election, I’ve been holding out in hope for courageous men and women to stand up against our “game of thrones” leader and expose the emperor with no clothes.  But when I obtained solid confirmation that the family values voters planned to stick with Trump until the bitter end because they believe he was “raised up by God to be the 45^th president,” I knew that the long proclaimed culture war was coming, and much as I suspect will happen in Game of Thrones, it will be long and brutal, and there will be no happy ending.

After a bunch of very clueless ministers encircled Trump last week, and prayed for him with the “laying on of hands” (Greek: cheirotonia – χειροτονία, literally, “laying-on of hands” is both a symbolic and formal method of invoking the Holy Spirit primarily during baptisms and confirmations, healing services, blessings, and ordination of priests, ministers, elders, deacons, and other church officers, along with a variety of other church sacraments and holy ceremonies—Wikipedia), I knew I was either going to become a drug addict and stay stoned for the rest of my life just to keep from going insane, or I was going to have to figure out a non-narcotic type of sedation no matter what happens to my beloved America.

So I took up meditation.

Thus far it has been a struggle.  I practice my breathing, I’ve got my mantra (“save us from DT, deliver us from DT, oh God, OMMMMM-MM-MMM…”), I can even get one of my fat-assed thighs into a half lotus position for five minutes until the leg falls completely asleep and I fall over onto my right side.

I used to watch the news as soon as I woke up (Morning Joe)—usually around 6:00 a.m.—and by 8:00 a.m. I would be so agitated and depressed that I could barely function.  The day I realized that the poison of Trump and family was going to go on for a very, very long time—possibly with irreparable damage, like the march of the hordes of the undead in Game of Thrones that was the moment I knew I had to do something to save my sanity.  For the last three days, I’ve been going onto the deck and doing my meditative exercises, and they seemed to be calming me down and giving me a more peaceful day until… my mind started messing with me.  Like this morning… when Angelica and Deviloneous showed up.

Homer Simpson Meme, Devil vs Angel

ANGELICA:  That’s my girl, you can hold that pose… easy, steady—now breathe! Start your mantra…

DEVILONEOUS:   Damn, Girl, ain’t your ass on fire, right about now?  You know you’re too old for this shit.  You’d be better off gettin’ a cup of coffee and eatin’ that leftover apple turnover in the fridge.

ME:   Saveusfromdonaldtrump,ohgod,deliverusfromdonaldtrump,ohgod,OMMMMMMMMM…

DEVILONEOUS:   Morning Joe is on now, Cutie.  Ain’t you jes a bit curious ‘bout what’s goin’ down out there in the real world?  I mean how can you get through the day unless you know what stupidity 45 is up to?  What if he does somethin’ really bad, and you’re not there to see it unfold on the TV?  How you gonna take control?

ANGELICA:  Stop it, Dev.  You know, she’s only human and this mess is out of her control.  Best she can do is “self-manage” and pray.  God has to fix this mess.

DEVILONEOUS:  Oh really, so where is yo’ God? Pray? Pray what?  From where I’m perched looks like everybody is chatterin’ at God.  You got yo’ folks like chubby-ass here prayin’ for God to deliver America from Trump’s evil, then you have Trump’s Christian supporters prayin’ he will destroy people like her because he’s like Neo—The One!  The GOP and the Conservative Evangelicals love 45!  They just adore his chubbie ass.

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

ANGELICA:   Devi, I hate to be rude, but you need to shut your trap.

DEVILONEOUS:  Psst… hey ET, you know what I heard on the news last night while you were tossin’ and turnin’ in yo’ sleep?  The Trump administration is already underminin’ the healthcare market so that Obamacare will fail and leave millions without insurance.  They pulled help from 18 cities that had set up computer centers in libraries, businesses, and strip malls to help people sign up for insurance who don’t have access to the internet.  That should kill off an easy million or two bottom feeders thinkin’ they deserve to have medical care just ‘cause they alive.

ANGELICA:  Devi, I swear to God, I am going to smack you up side your head.  You need to leave her in peace.  Let her be.

DEVILONEOUS:  Seriously?  Why?  She needs to know that the political party she used to belong to—inspired by the Right-wing Christian churches—are 100% behind this Prez repealin’ Obamacare which will leave 32 million people without insurance.  I love death by mass destruction, don’t you?  Remember the bubonic plague?  That outta worry her to death.

ANGELICA:  ET, don’t listen to him.  Devi, how does losing her mind help save 32 million people from losing insurance?  She has a family to stay healthy for and a few good years of life to enjoy.  She needs to remain calm.  Leave her alone, Devi!

ME:  SaveusohGod,deliverusohGod…OMMMM—MMMMM.

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com

DEVILONEOUS:  Okay, okay, okay.  I’ll leave after I tell her this one last news tidbit.  Hey, ET, yo’ peeps…

ANGELICA:  Her former peeps…

DEVILONEOUS:  Yo’ former peeps, are never, ever gonna see the light about Trump. You know why?  They believe that he is a modern-day King Cyrus—Cyrus the Great (c. 600 or 576 – 530 BC).  You know, the dude from the Old Testament of the Bible who supposedly freed the Jews from the Babylonians and restored their Jewish kingdom by letting them rebuild Jerusalem.  You see, those peeps that you used to break bread with take the Bible “literally,” and they believe that Donald J. Trump is Cyrus the Great incarnated.  Ain’t that somethin’?  Angels and demons alike are crackin’ up ova this latest Christian stupidity.

ANGELICA:  Our girl does not believe that nonsense, and you know it.  She takes the Bible “seriously,” but not “literally.”  She has not fallen under the spell of Trump, but nothing she says seems to wake up her ex-friends who have.  She’s tried, but they only listen to Fox News or Conservative Talk Radio all day long.  She has to just keep calm and carry on, because, whether you believe it or not, Devi, only God can save America from this wolf in sheep’s clothing.

ME:  SAVEUSFROMTRUMPOHGOD,DELIVERUSFROMTRUMPOHGOD… OMMMMMMMMM

DEVILONEOUS:  Well, I’m bored!  So, I’m gonna make like a banana and split.  But before I do, I thought I’d read you a couple of Facebook quotes, prayers, and Tweets from some of the White Right-Wing Evangelicals who think God is on their side and who are gonna ride the wave with Trumpee, no matter what.  Kind of like the Civil War.  Preachers prayed that God keep slavery intact and help the South slaughter the North, while the North prayed the South would be burned to the ground.  Wonder whose prayers will get heard this go round?

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

DEVILONEOUS:  Check these out…

Pastor Rodney Howard-Browne wrote on Instagram: “Highlight after all these years of fighting for America – standing in the Oval Office with @realdonaldtrump and @vp and @paulamichellewhite and other leaders – listening to our great President talk about America – Great Job Mr. President- Great Job.”

Pastor Howard-Browne wrote on his Facebook that he was asked by Paula White to pray over Trump and the pastor asked God for “supernatural wisdom, guidance and protection.” “Wow — we are going to see another great spiritual awakening.”

How about this one by Mark Collins who is a John Bircher/pastor at a Baptist church…

“God has sent America a new, powerful leader. He’s a good man, a moral man. God has delivered Donald J. Trump to save the United States of America.”

Deviloneous:  And you gonna love this ET—it will set your hair on fire…

The Donald, who once confessed to be a non-reader said this in March as he compared himself to King Cyrus of the Bible:  “Cyrus the Great, a leader of the ancient Persian Empire, famously said that ‘freedom, dignity, and wealth together constitute the greatest happiness of humanity. If you bequeath all three to your people, their love for you will never die.’”

ANGELICA:  I wonder who fed Trump that convenient bit of “history?”  Yep, America is fucked!

DEVILONEOUS:  Ooooh, Angie, you gonna get in so much trouble for swearin’!  Hey, what happened to ET?  She fell over on her right side.  Dang, looks like she’s asleep.  Oh well, guess my work is done.

I am discovering that we are truly screwed as a country with 45 as our leader.  This situation is going to last a lot longer than any of the resisters and anti-Trump folks ever thought, and it is going to take years to recover from the damage that will have been done to the country by Trump and his right-wing, misquided, delusional zealots.  Save us, Oh God, deliver us, Oh God…have mercy on us, oh God!

Cartoon used by permission: CagleCartoons.com

SCARY QUOTE

“Many Evangelicals who voted for Trump continue to have an abiding faith in his presidency. Just as Cyrus returned the Jews to Jerusalem, and restored their wealth, so Trump, they fervently believe, will restore a lost world of personal safety, psychological security and material prosperity.”—James S. Gordon, The Guardian, “Does the ‘Cyrus prophecy’ help explain evangelical support for Donald Trump?”

******

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

BOOKS WRITTEN BY AUTHOR AVAILABLE ON AMAZON

The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts from My Miseducated Self

Fleeing Oz

Monsters’ Throwdown

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

*****

REFERENCES

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/mar/23/cyrus-prophecy-evangelical-support-donald-trump

http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/leader-of-trump-cabinet-bible-study-god-only-hears-prayers-of-righteous-christians/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/once-again-the-silence-of-the-republicans-has-been-profound/2017/07/12/1b158ca6-6742-11e7-a1d7-9a32c91c6f40_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-d%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/get-off-the-trump-train-before-it-crashes/2017/07/12/6e0959e2-673d-11e7-9928-22d00a47778f_story.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/under-trump-us-has-lost-its-moral-authority-down-under/2017/07/14/00dae05c-680a-11e7-8eb5-cbccc2e7bfbf_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-d%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/12/politics/trump-prayer-photo/index.html

http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/07/16/the-john-birch-society-is-alive-and-well-in-the-lone-star-state-215377

http://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/christians-tempted-by-trump-idolatry/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/as-pat-robertsons-former-executive-producer-nothing-about-his-interview-with-trump-surprises-me_us_5967b182e4b0d6341fe75c51?section=us_contributor

 

 

PLEASE BLOW SMOKE UP MY KEISTER

Do you know what I discovered?  Trump taught me something recently.  (I know!  Aren’t you amazed!)  He taught me how a person can get people to blow smoke up his or her behind, and it can sometimes be a good thing.  I’m sure you all saw it or read about it.  He called his first cabinet meeting and after touting his royal greatness, he had his cabinet sound off one-by-one about what a fabulous job he’s been doing and what an incredible leader he is.

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

BINGO, I thought.  This is sheer genius!  Trumpee has taught me something I can use.  Why don’t I apply this methodology to getting reviews for my new book, I thought?  You see, I just learned from my publicist that if I can get 50 reviews from people who have read my new book, The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts from my Miseducated Self, Amazon will list my book in its newsletters and other promotions.  Isn’t that cool?

“The Fetus Chronicles” Book Mark Proof: Su from Earthly Charms

 

I bet you’re saying to yourself, “I’d love to write a review for you Eleanor, but if the truth be known, the thought of typing something into Amazon cares me to death.  How do I go about it, and what if I get tongue tied, or in this case, finger tied?”  Don’t be afraid.  It is quite simple.  You don’t have to be Hemingway; you can say as little as, “I liked this book,” and all you have to do is follow these very simple instructions:

In the meantime, while you are thinking about how to “blow smoke up my ass” on Amazon (if you hate my book, remember that my name is “Smeegle Klondonovich”), please enjoy a redo of my first published writing that started it all.  I got beaten by the writing bug, so to speak, after I wrote this.  This story will hopefully remind you what a “brilliant, talented, outstanding, deeply profound writer I am”—don’t you agree?

********

WILL HIGH SCHOOL EVER END?

(Repurposed post from 2013)

Why is it in real life, as in high school, we exert so much energy trying to impress people we don’t know, won’t ever see again after our season of random internment, and who have no financial or emotional investment in our future?

I have beautiful, White girlfriends who won’t go to a swimming pool while on vacation because they don’t have the figures they had in college anymore, and the strangers across the pool from them, who they don’t know and couldn’t care a rat’s ass about, might become scornful of their cellulite or less than perky boobs. When in reality, they should be embracing Joy Behar’s classic observation of things that shouldn’t matter one iota:  “So what – who cares?”

All my baby boomer girlfriends have better bodies than I, but even though I’m at least 50 pounds heavier (when I’m telling the truth), I have a black woman’s sensibility about this issue: accent the positive, suck in the negative, and skirt the thunderous. Then bedazzle the shit out of your goddess self with a rhinestone cover-up and rhinestone flip-flops, and “drop it like it’s hot, baby”!

Author Doing Her Bedazzled Thing: Photo Credit–J. Tomczyk

Not too long ago, my husband and I took an extended cruise in the Mediterranean.  It was the trip of a lifetime. Everything was better than we had fantasized: the weather was picture perfect, the people were warm and accepting, the 3,000 passenger ship was outstanding, the food was superb, and we were like newlyweds reveling in each other’s company. The only thing that seemed to cause just a tiny bit of consternation was the very aggressive touring itinerary (4 days of excursions, 1 day at sea, 3 days of excursion, 1 day at sea, 2 days of excursion, 1 day at sea) that we had been given. But I wasn’t overly concerned because even though I’m a “fat-bottom girl,” it doesn’t mean I’m not in good health. I’m a daily exerciser and had trained for this trip for 8 months.  I added strenuous hills to my daily, treadmill workout, climbed the stairs at work in the afternoons, and special ordered shoes a triathlon athlete would use.

What I didn’t expect and what my research never revealed was that all of our 10 touring sites were perched on the top of ancient hills or mountains with steep inclines to protect the antiquity inhabitants from marauders.  Most accesses were like scaling a wall.

Port of Malta: Photo Credit–E. Tomczyk

Every evening we were given an overview of the activities for the next day.  In between the instructions for the cake decorating class and the marzipan demonstrations was listed the information the cruise director felt we needed in order to survive our shore excursions.

Ship Brochure: It takes 600 steps to reach the top of your fabulous destination.  There is a cable car if you prefer or you can employ a donkey to transport you up and down the ancient stone stairs.  Wear comfortable shoes. Cost: $100 – $400/person. The ship departs at 5:30 – if you miss the departure, you will have to make your own way to the next port to meet the ship.

Translation: The 600 steps are straight up the face of a mountain; the cable car often has a two-hour wait, and you will miss your ship utilizing that mode of transportation. The stairs are shared by donkeys that slip constantly on the descent and leave slippery “pooh” all over the staircase from Hell. No manner of footwear is capable of keeping you upright once you lose your footing going down – you might as well kiss your sorry ass goodbye. Before you leave this beautiful island, the tour guide will make sure she dumps you in the shopping area that has only one way in and out to the stairs or the unreliable, overly-crowded cable car system. The shopkeepers will try to help you by relieving you of as many Benjamins as possible to lighten the load of your descent. Trying to balance yourself on a donkey while your hands are stuffed with chotzkies however will be proof-positive that you have lost your ever-loving mind – once and for all. Good luck, silly over-weight Americans!

DAY THREE TOUR:  On day three, my husband (the Energizer Bunny), a gay couple (the extremely handsome, not-one-ounce-of-fat-on-their-bones Neil Patrick Harris and his partner David Burtka look-alikes), a lesbian couple (50’ish with similar body frames as mine whose bodies had each born children in their former lives), an octogenarian grandmother from Iowa sporting a recent double-knee replacement, and an old dude of an age somewhere between 90 and Methuselah began our shore excursion.

Because I temporarily lost consciousness, I can’t remember at what point I lost my mind and reverted back to high school.  I do remember approaching a sky-high escalator in a museum with hundreds of other people in sweltering heat and watching the escalator break down right before my group got on.  Because there was a wall of people behind us, we were forced to go forward and mount a circular ramp that seemed like twenty flights of stairs that shot straight up to the heavens. The lesbian mothers, the grandmother from Iowa, the Methuselah dude, and I stared at each other in total horror! Hadn’t we just climbed 300 steps the day before and 200 steps the day before that, as well as an unexpected 100 steps in a museum that wasn’t listed?  Didn’t the brochure assure us there would be no more steps to climb on this tour? I could have sworn someone said we’d catch a break today.

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

All I know is that my husband, who has the ability to walk faster than most people can run, took off up the ramp to find the tour guide who was nowhere to be seen.  As the rest of our group began to ascend the inevitable, the gay boys began telling us about a rather large, fat-bottomed woman (whose ass was the size of Cleveland) who couldn’t make it up the last ramp in the previous city, and they just couldn’t understand why people didn’t read the ship instructions about the strenuous nature of the excursions.

(Had they seen my ass, I wondered?  Was this a veiled hint about moi?)

“I mean, really now, why can’t these people ‘just say no’ if they’re too fat to complete the course without looking like they’re going to die,” said our Neil Patrick Harris look-alike cruise mate. “Personally, I feel like making an announcement tonight at dinner over the PA system.  ‘Really people – know your limitations; because you need to cut the rest of us some freakin’ slack!  We’re having heart attacks here just wondering if you’re gonna have a heart attack right in front of us’”!

The lesbian couple, the grandmother, the tremulous old man, and I gingerly laughed along with the boys, but we silently heard the “Rocky theme song” roaring in our ears (or was it the blood rushing to our heads before the onset of major strokes as we secretly wondered if they were ridiculing us?).  We took off up the incline like thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby trying to match the gait of the Adonis boys, leaning almost at a 45 degree angle to balance our bodies on the slope. As I passed the old man at my road-runner pace, his eyes widened in terror as his lips mouthed, “What the fuck?” but my team and I had to leave him in the dust.  Keeping up with the Adonis-looking critics was all that mattered, even if it meant moving at the speed of light and losing a soldier along the way.  These bodies had born children and nursed babies, goddamnit! The fat on our asses, our low-hanging breasts, and puff-n-stuff stomachs were badges of honor.  Maybe the gay boys had children, but they sure as hell hadn’t “had” children!

The octogenarian dropped out about two-thirds of the way (clutching her side) and gasping for air. My lesbian sisters and I made it to the top without dying, but I had a Charlie-horse in my ass that wouldn’t quit. As the girls and I high-fived each other (sisters, hangin’ tough!), I could see (being the chubbiest in the bunch) that I had impressed the boys. What they didn’t know was that I couldn’t say more than two words without gasping for air or I would keel over and die.  I didn’t dare speak without great measure.  I knew if I tried to articulate more than one five-word sentence without pausing, I’d be the gay boys’ prophecy come true: one fat-bottom woman careening into their perfectly fit, athletic bodies and knocking them back down the slope like a giant chocolate snowball from on high.  So I took out my Blackberry (remember those?), nonchalantly leaned against the museum wall, and pretended to check messages as if I were some high-muckety-muck at a Fortune 500 company and the business couldn’t live without me.

Runner Meme: Courtesy of @ Cook in Canuck

“Some hike, huh?” said one of the gorgeous boys.

 “Uh, huh. . . .” I whispered, while trying not to lose consciousness as my heart almost exploded in my chest from over-exertion.

“Great ship, isn’t it? said the other Adonis boy. “What’s on your agenda tomorrow?  We’re going rock climbing.  Isn’t that exciting?!”

 “G-r-e-a-t!” (tap) “Me doing” (tap) “pool” (tap) “water volley-ball tournament” (tap) “against a bunch of twenty-somethings” (tap)—”gonna make them eat my” (tap) “dust.”

“Excellent!  You go, girl with your bad self!”

Clearly, I had impressed the boys.

The next day found the quivering old man with both hands glued to a walker while arduously climbing into the hot tub (he was still there at dinner time with a smile on his face).  The lesbian couple, the grandmother, and I met up at the spa first, and then we subsequently waddled to our separate “quiet” corners around the adult pool (cellulite, thunderous thighs, and saggy tits on full display).  We spent the afternoon sipping rum punches and napping the day away in rockin’ bathing suits while our mental health applauded our goal-setting activity of just being ourselves and being proud of the hard-earned battles won by giving and sustaining life with our amazing bodies.

******** 

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT

I’ve discovered that if my girlfriends (old and new) and I ever want to shake the specter of high school, we need to finally travel at the beat of our own drummers in our old age, because it’s the condition in which we arrive at the final destination, not the opinions of others, that really matters.  Joy Behar really is an oracle whose mantra we should adopt when the high school spirit tries to tear us down and make us forget the amazing women that we have become in our mature years: So what – who cares!

Writer’s Meme: Courtesy of LianaBrooks.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

HAVEN’T YET READ ANY OF THE AUTHOR’S DISCOVERY SERIES?  CHECK OUT HER AUTHOR’S PAGE ON AMAZON!

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

WHEN ELLIE MET JACKIE

Do you know what I discovered this week? This weekend I will be celebrating my 38^th wedding anniversary and my sixty-ninth birthday. (When I say “weekend,” that is not a slip of the tongue—I plan to party for three days straight!) I am so thrilled to have something else to think about other than Donald Trump.  He is turning out to be such a consummate liar, grand manipulator, and narcissistic, racist muckraker that I can barely breathe.  I am convinced he is a very mentally unstable person, and I can’t help wondering if God has quit his day job because the more King Trump/Bannon reigns the more I feel as if we’re slip-sliding into Hell as a country.  One of the things I’m going to do during my birthday weekend is see Wonder Woman, and boy would I love to be her for just one day, and be left alone with Trump.  Me and my truth-telling lasso would do some serious damage against Herr Trump.

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson Roll Call

Of all the things that Trump has done that upsets me the most is how he has been like a pied piper to the racist elements in our culture.  I was feeling pretty sad this week about that until I ran across the most amazing article in the NY Times by Sheryll Cashin about how “interracial love is saving America.”* WHAT?  She has this premise that even though it looks as if our country is sinking into a racist quagmire, interracial couples are “chipping away at White supremacy” in a way that makes you want to stand up and cheer.  Cashin cites how Thomas Jefferson stressed with great emphasis that interracial sex and marriage should never be allowed because it would “stain” the White race since he considered the Negro to be “inferior in mind and form.”  (I have two words for you Thomas Jefferson—you hypocritical dog, you:  Sally Hemings—slave and mother of six of your children.)  Ms. Chashin states that it was love that overturned the miscegenation laws in America in 1967 (Loving vs. Virginia), and now at least “one quarter of Americans have a close relative in an interracial marriage,” and when polled, “91% of respondents said that interracial marriage was a change for the better or didn’t matter at all.”  Boy, we’ve come a long way, Baby, from our forefathers’ days!

Interracial Hands: http://www.ofcommonsense.me

Suddenly it dawned on me: I am part of the “salvation” of our nation—me and my man (WW—“White and Wonderful”)!  Hot damn!  And since our 38th anniversary is coming up this weekend, I thought I’d meditate on our love story and share the hope I feel with my readers that no matter how things look now—the killing of innocent Blacks, Muslims, Hindis, Latinos, and Asians—we are never going back to the days of our ignorant forefathers.  Interracial love and understanding is here to stay, and it is growing.

Below is a snippet of our love story of hope.  Enjoy!

“Ellie and Jackie”/Photo Credit: William Clarke

******

WHEN ELLIE MET JACKIE

(A Story of Interracial Love)

Forty-five years ago, a Black girl from the inner city of Cleveland and a White boy from the sheltered suburb of a New England town bumped into each other in a hippie commune in the early 70’s.  Those were heady times and full of experimentation, but just because their paths crossed didn’t mean they should have been attracted to each other.   Most of the White people the girl had known (except for an occasional student in college and a couple of teachers along the way) were ones she feared or hated because of their cruel and horrid treatment to her.  In fact, the girl was often heard to say to anyone who would listen about her views on interracial dating that:  “There ain’t nothin’ no White man can do for me, Chil’!”  The boy grew up in an all-White neighborhood, and even though there were a couple of Black kids in his school, the only Black person who ever came to his house was the mailman, which the family dog continuously chased and tried to bite because the dog “didn’t like Black people,” or so the story goes.  (The dog never chased anybody else—just the poor Black postman.)

The girl belonged to a theater club in her hippie commune, and one day she snuck into the dark hallway of the balcony of the theater during auditions.  She wasn’t in a position to see the actors who were auditioning but she could hear their voices.  When a booming voice that sounded like the voice of God and resonated like James Earl Jones filled the auditorium, the girl’s heart skipped a beat.  She had never heard such a mellifluous voice.  The girl instantly knew that only a Black man could have a voice like that, and in a community that had no Black men but scores of White men, she scurried as fast as she could to see what fine Black male specimen encased that heavenly voice.

Stock Photo: Google

The boy’s white skin wasn’t the only thing to surprise the girl.  When she introduced herself to him, she discovered that his name was “Jackie.”

“What kind of name is that?” she said.

“It’s a New England nickname for John,” he said.  The girl looked into his gorgeous blue eyes and almost lost her breath when he spoke to her.

“Well, my name is Eleanor although some people call me ‘Ellie’ which I really don’t like because REALLY—do I look like an ‘Ellie ‘cause seriously would anyone have called Eleanor Roosevelt ‘Ellie’ to her face and that is really who I’m named after at least that is what I’ve been told but then again my mother was crazy and my name could be Diana for all I know…” she said in one breathless run-on sentence.  (The girl was blushing but since she was a golden mocha color, the boy did not notice.  I don’t think the boy ever figured out when the girl was blushing.)

The boy laughed—a deep ground-swell of a laugh that the girl remembered thinking was of a timbre that Santa Claus would kill for.

“Ellie and Jackie”/Photo Credit: E. Tomczyk

The boy won the audition into the theater club, but the girl was too petrified to talk to him after their initial meeting.  So she had her girlfriend invite him to a dinner party in which the girl would be present as well.

The girl thought the boy was arrogant as Hell.

The boy thought the girl was argumentative and pushy.

The girl said, “I hope we see each other again.”

The boy said, “Sure, I’ll give you a call.”

Weeks went by, but the boy never called the girl.

“Ellie and Jackie”–14th Anniversary/Photo Credit: E. Tomczyk

The more the boy ignored the girl, the more she pined for him.

“I can’t believe he said he’d call, but I haven’t even heard a peep,” the girl said to her girlfriends one day.

“Do you like him?” asked one of the girlfriends.

“I don’t know… I just thought there was a spark there,” the girl mournfully replied.

“Then why don’t you call him and ask him out on a date.  This is the 70s, Girl!  You don’t have to wait for him.”

That is what the girl did.  She called the boy.  It turned out that his car was broken down and he had no money.  All he had was a beat-up company truck. He wanted to arrange a date where he picked her up in style and took her to a fancy restaurant.

The girl said, she didn’t give a damn about riding in a truck just so long as it didn’t leave them stranded on the road, and as to a fancy meal, if he could boil water, he could invite her over for dinner for a couple boiled eggs.

He made “Shrimp Wiggle.”  (Can of shrimp, can of Campbell’s mushroom soup, and a can of peas on toast.) All the girl could think was, “Oh, Lord Jesus, if this is how White people eat, then no wonder they don’t have any rhythm!”

The girl ate the Shrimp Wiggle and loved it because that night they talked for twelve straight hours.  As the girl’s roommates wondered whether they should file a missing person’s report, the boy and the girl spoke about their fears, their abuses, their rejections, their pain, their scars, their ambitions, their likes, their dreams, and their goals.  They looked into each other’s souls and they loved what they saw.

The next morning when the boy took the girl back to her apartment, they both knew they had met the love of their lives and that one day they would spend the rest of their lives together.  The End.

“Ellie and Jackie”: Happily Married for 38 Years

******

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering that my man and I are pushing back bigotry and racism one interracial love at a time.  There once was a time when neither of us could have imagined our life together.  Now that we have lived the reality, we know that “perfect love casts out all fears.”

Oh, and Happy Birthday to me.  (The girl and the boy married on the girl’s birthday in 1979.)  I gave myself the greatest birthday gift a girl could ever get:  the love of a very, very good man!

***

               QUOTES TO CHEW ON

“I have never had the least apprehension that I or my friends would marry Negroes if there was no law to keep them from it, but as Judge Douglas and his friends seem to be in great apprehension that they might, if there were no law to keep them from it, I give him the most solemn pledge that I will to the very last stand by the law of this State, which forbids the marrying of white people with Negroes.”—Abraham Lincoln, The so-called “Great Emancipator” (1858)

“Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, Malay, and red, and placed them on separate continents, and but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend the races to mix.”—Virginia trial court Judge Leon Bazile, who heard the case of Richard and Mildred Loving in 1965 and ruled against their interracial marriage.

“Marriage is one of the ‘basic civil rights of man,’ fundamental to our very existence and survival…. To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State’s citizens of liberty without due process of law. The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom of choice to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discriminations. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not to marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.”—The 1967 Supreme Court ruled unanimously in Loving v. Virginia

“The secret to a happy marriage is if you can be at peace with someone within four walls, if you are content because the one you love is near to you, either upstairs or downstairs, or in the same room, and you feel that warmth that you don’t find very often, then that is what love is all about.”—Bruce Forsyth

***

WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT “ELLIE AND JACKIE”?  CHECK OUT THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK:  “THE FETUS CHRONICLES: PODCASTS FROM MY MISEDUCATED SELF” ON AMAZON!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE: www.eleanortomczyk.com

 

REFERENCES

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/03/opinion/sunday/how-interracial-love-is-saving-america.html?mabReward=ACTM_TC4&recp=7&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&region=CColumn&module=Recommendation&src=rechp&WT.nav=RecEngine *

http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2017/05/18/528939766/five-fold-increase-in-interracial-marriages-50-years-after-they-became-legal

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

TRUMP AND HIS CHRISTIAN FOOLS

Do you know what I discovered this week?  There are moles in the White House who are leaking pertinent information.  I know because they contacted me.  No, that’s not entirely accurate.  The White House moles contacted the Tomczyk moles who live in my lawn (of which there are scores), and gave them the straight poop on all the crazy shenanigans that #45 has been up to.  They say this president is going down! These moles can hear everything, because they are everywhere under the White House grounds, and they assured my mole peeps that Trump did “tape” Comey on several occasions. How’s that for a “deep state” scoop? Fox News thinks that Obama government hold-overs are the leakers in the White House, but it is actually insectivores.

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily-Tribune, Missouri

The White House moles are true patriots and are Trump supporters (they tend to support whichever president occupies the White House), but they have become very concerned at the volatility of this particular president and the damage he is causing our democracy.  Several of the moles keeled over and fainted dead away when they heard him leak secret information to our enemies the Russians that had been told to our CIA in confidence by the Israelis.  (First of all, the White House Moles couldn’t believe that the Russians were invited into the Oval.  There are a large group of moles that have served under several presidents, and they had never, ever seen such egregious flaunting of security and boastful mishandling of top secret information.)

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

Then there was the pulling together of that bogus letter to fire Comey.  The White House moles heard it all!  Things whispered in the dark and secretly taped… They weren’t fans of Comey’s, but they had heard the inside scoop between #45 and his body guard who later delivered the pink slip to the FBI.  When the news broke about Comey, the White House moles were deeply concerned, but when the White House spokespeople blatantly lied about why Comey was fired, the moles wondered whether they should speak up.

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kamensky, Austria

Then the White House moles overheard a private conversation in the Oval between Trump and one of his loyal Evangelical supporters that greatly alarmed them.  The Evangelist was pledging his undying loyalty to Trump along with all his followers, and encouraging Trump to fight on—to never give up—because God was on his side.  The Evangelist said that any and all critics were the Anti-Christ and Trump was to ignore them.

The moles determined that a message needed to be leaked on social media to warn the country about what was going on in the White House and the crazed, religious bent of many of #45’s supporters, so they chose “Eleanor the Blogger” because of her long-standing, on-again-off-again relationship with the Virginia moles and the fact that she used to be one of those goose-stepping Christians (horrors!) to sound the alarm.  She wasn’t necessarily a fan of moles, but they knew her to be fair.  Below is what transpired.

***

This morning, when I went out to pick up the morning newspaper, I noticed a giant pile of leaves and debris on my front lawn.  “Goddamnit,” I said to myself.  “Those moles have been up to it again!”  When I began to stomp down on their tunnel, I noticed that a grungy manila envelope (marked:  From the White House Moles) lay just beneath the surface.  Upon opening the envelope, I found an old-fashioned tape recording and the picture of the Evangelist Jim Bakker—looking like Gollum with a white beard and a cross on a blue cap.  (Remember him of the Jim and Tammy Show [she with the runny mascara from crying all the time], and [he the convicted felon accused of raping a woman, paying her hush money, and misappropriating funds from his Christian village/theme park])?  He was convicted for 45 years and sent to prison, but got out after five years on a technicality.  At first he appeared to be a humbled and changed man.  Even wrote a book about how he was wrong about shaking down gullible people for his self-centered, greedy purposes.  But given what I heard from the tape delivered by the moles, he’s back and worse than ever.   Below is a transcript of the tape between Jim Bakker and President Trump that was delivered to my lawn by the White House Moles.

Jim Bakker, convicted felon/evangelist/doomsday huckster

TRUMP:  Welcome, oh squirrely one.  Who are you that dares enter my presence unannounced?

BAKKER:  It’s me, your Royalness.  One of your poorly educated that you said you loved so much on the campaign trail.  I hail from Branson, Missouri.

TRUMP:  Oh, yeah!  Are you one of my Christians or one of my Heathens?

BAKKER:  Your Highness, I’m one of your best Bible-believing Christians.  In fact that is why I’m here.  God sent me here to tell you not to get discouraged.  You won this election because of all the good Christians who prayed and fasted for you, and then voted for you in droves.  God heard our prayers and put you in office.  If Hillary had won, God told me that it would mean He was judging the world for immature leadership.  In fact, I came here to specifically tell you that you should pay no never mind to your critics.  They are just haters from Hell.  *It seems like there is a hatred among peoples and this is satanic. This (hatred) is the White Horse of the Apocalypse. The White Horse of the Apocalypse is the first horse. It’s a horse of speech. It’s a horse of spirit. And the spirit of Antichrist is out now. This is what you’re seeing. You want to know what the Antichrist spirit looks like. That’s what’s going on in America. These people mocking the president. The words they use. The speech they use. That’s the spirit of Antichrist. That’s the spirit of hatred.*

TRUMP:  Oooooh, I knew my haters were bad.  Agents of the Devil, you say?  Part of the Apocalypse?  Epic!  God’s on my side?  Wait. I thought I was God.  Are you betraying me, my little uneducated one?

BAKKER:  Oh, no Master.  You are the one who will usher in the return of Jesus.  No matter who criticizes you, the Christians who voted for you will never, ever believe their lies.  We will never turn against you! We will fight for you until the end.

TRUMP:  Can you believe how they treat me?  **No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly. * And did you hear that a special prosecutor has been appointed to mess with me?  They didn’t even consult me—they just up and did it.  Announced it to me thirty minutes before announcing it to the world. ***With all of the illegal acts that took place in the Clinton campaign & Obama Administration, there was never a special councel [sic] appointed! This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!”*** This is America.  I should be able to do what I want—meet with the Russians, fire somebody, and grab women by their va-jay-jays.  I’m the President!

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson, Roll Call

BAKKER:  Yes, your Holiness?

TRUMP:  So what do you do for a living, my loyal subject?

BAKKER:  I’m a leader in the “Prepper Movement.”  You remember, I sent you all my pamphlets.  I help the right kind of Christians (ones that think like me) prepare for the Apocalypse.  I have a show on TV (via DirecTV, Roku, Apple TV), and I sell food and goods for the End Times.  The end is fast approaching, my King.  You’ve got your tsunamis, your earthquakes, your financial meltdowns, your Zika virus, and most of all, you’ve got your ISIS and your homosexuals—all point to the End Times.  Obama was the Anti-Christ, as you know.  But don’t you be afraid because you’ll be saved in the Rapture, and you’ve been made President of the United States to hold back God’s wrath for a few years.  That’s where I come in.  It will be seven years of turmoil and then Jesus will take all the real Christians—including you, Oh Anointed One—right up to Heaven.  But you’ve got to stay alive until then.  That’s where I come in.   I sell enough goods through my TV show to keep you hanging out in your bunker until Jesus returns to rescue us.  (This is why Global Warming is a crock of shit—no need to worry about the Earth because Jesus is going to destroy it in seven years anyway, after we’re gone.)

Anyway, to keep you staying alive, I’ll sell you 14 totes full of black bean burger mix for $3,000; what I call Bakker’s Dozen Extreme Canteen Kit, including 13 packs of ponchos, thermal blankets, glow stick and whistles for $500; and my Survival Food Brick Monthly Club with 90 servings of food for $50 per month.  I’ll also sell you a solar-powered, “fuel-less” generator for $1,784, and a variety of mid-tech water bottles and hand-cranked ham radios for extra security.

Snapshot of Jim Bakker’s Prepper Food++

TRUMP:  I only eat McDonald’s burgers, fries and Kentucky Fried chicken.  Got any of that freeze-dried in your seven year plan?

BAKKER:  No.  But you’ll love what we do have.  As you so famously say, “believe me!”  It is sooooooooo good!++  My advertising slogan is: “Imagine — the world is dying and you’re having a breakfast for kings!”

TRUMP:  Excellent!  As I’ve always said, the beauty of me is that I’m very rich, so I can afford your end-timey food.  By the way, how much for the snake oil?

***

INSPIRATIONAL “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) ON “CHRISTIANS FOR TRUMP”

I am discovering that you can’t make this shit up.  There are no such things as undercover garden moles leaking me White House secrets, but there is a mad king in the White House and nutty Evangelicals supporting Trump’s every move.  In fact, they, along with their science-fiction fears, helped him gain the White House. The exact quotes of Trump and Bakker have been indicated by asterisks in my blog, and are tagged into the source material under “references” below.   One of the reasons the supporters of Trump will never believe the truth or stop following him (no matter how terrible he becomes) is because, for many of them, voting for him was a holy cause, and to admit that this president is the worst leader we’ve had since Andrew Johnson means that they were wrong, wrong, wrong in voting for him, and it would shake the very core of their faith in God and their literal interpretation of the Bible.  It would destroy them to the core.

++JUICY TIDBIT:  EVANGELIST’S JIM BAKKER’S FOOD WAS REVIEWED BY CASEY CHAN OF SPLOID AND CHEF GREG LAURO FROM BROOKLYN, NY WHICH CHEF LAURO PURCHASED AND PREPARED: “The food—which basically only requires the addition of hot water to cook—ends up being like beige slop and red vomit and liquid sludge. (Chef Greg) Lauro described the taste as ‘paper mache’ and ‘a bathroom at a bar at the end of the night in a college town’and ‘one of the worst things I’ve ever eaten in my life’ to describe the taste and smell of the food.”

***

LATEST BOOK BY AUTHOR:  The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts from My Miseducated Self

AVAILABLE ON AMAZON NOW!

***

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

REFERENCES

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/15/opinion/trump-classified-data.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-right-region&region=opinion-c-col-right-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-right-region

*http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/jim-bakker-antichrist_us_59195cfbe4b0031e737ebff7

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2017/05/16/trump-officials-on-comey-memo-dont-see-how-trump-isnt-completely-fcked

*http://www.newsweek.com/2016/04/08/televangelist-jim-bakker-back-440991.html

++http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2015/12/03/456677535/apocalypse-chow-we-tried-televangelist-jim-bakkers-survival-food

*http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/25/televangelist-jim-bakker-donald-trumps-critics-even-the-republicans-look-demon-possessed/

***https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2017/05/18/trump-is-totally-delusional-about-whats-happening-to-him-right-now/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-b%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

**https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2017/live-updates/trump-white-house/trump-comey-and-russia-how-key-washington-players-are-reacting/trump-says-no-president-has-been-treated-more-unfairly/

 

HAMILTON, THE MUSICAL

Do you know what I discovered last week?  Every once and awhile, God answers one of my begging, pleading, nagging prayers:  Last week God answered two of them.  I got to go to NYC and see, Hamilton: An American Musical (Yeah, Baby!), and Bill O’Reilly got kicked out of Fox News on his ass along with his sicko buddy Roger Ailes.   Buh, bye boys! 

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

But enough of that slimy, arrogant, racist, misogynistic, lying piece of shit—O’Reilly—and “hello” to a hero and a scholar:  ALEXANDER HAMILTON!  (You know, that dude on the ten-dollar bill, one of the founding fathers of the United States, one of the main authors of the Federalist Papers, and our first Secretary of the Treasury.)

By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=47271664

So I bet you’re wondering, how did this old woman get so lucky?  Well, as the kids would say, “This is what had happened”:

SOME TIMES PRAYERS DO GET ANSWERED AND DREAMS DO COME TRUE

By the author, ET

**A REVIEW**

Once upon a time there was an old woman who transitioned into retirement the same month a phenomenon was being born on Broadway and tickets into Heaven were easier to get than those to Hamilton.  The Woman hadn’t yearned to see a Broadway show as much as this since Les Miz.  But, alas, alack, The Man she was married to turned a deaf ear to her machinations to ransom their first born child in order to procure tickets.  His only response:  “If we weren’t moving—maybe—but we now live on a budget (fixed income/income fixed: say it frontwards and backwards, they both mean the same thing), and tickets to Hamilton are not an option.” 

The Woman (who never takes “no” for an answer), while beseeching her God to strike Donald Trump with a lightning bolt and crater Fox News with an earthquake, snuck in a teensy-weenie prayer that he would change her husband’s heart about tickets to the musical Hamilton before Christ’s return.  No answer.

In the meantime, The Woman assuaged her disappointment at not seeing the musical by reading Ron Chernow’s bestseller, Alexander Hamilton (the book the musical is based upon) and listening to and memorizing every song on the cast recording of Hamilton.

Book cover of Alexander Hamilton/Amazon.com

A year went by as The Man and The Woman settled into retirement and began to travel more. It was at that point that The Woman began to get hints that Her God might be answering her prayers about Hamilton.  A short time later, and quite by accident, The Woman and The Man ended up on St. Kitts on an old sugar cane plantation train traversing the island that overlooked the birthplace of Alexander Hamilton: Charlestown, Nevis. 

By Daniel Farrell – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=13565315

“The current structure was rebuilt from the ruins of the house where Alexander Hamilton was born and lived as a young child.”—Wikipedia

As The Woman engaged in excited, hyperbolic pontifications to a fellow traveler sitting next to her about the history of Hamilton, her longing to see the musical before she died, and what a fantastic work of history Ron Chernow’s book is, The Woman encountered (unbeknownst to her) her first Trump supporter in the flesh.  The Trump Supporter from Pennsylvania had never heard of the musical (horrors!) or the history book by Chernow (double horrors!!).  In fact, The Trump Supporter confessed her lifelong disdain for history until she started reading Bill O’Reilly’s (of Fox News) five historical books about Lincoln, Kennedy, Jesus, Patton, and Reagan (quadruple horrors!!!!).  The Trump Supporter asked The Woman if she had read those “wonderful works of history?”  The Woman went all Alec Baldwin on her—forgot her traveling manners—as she declared that if the books O’Reilly wrote were considered “history,” then she was a direct descendant of Alexander Hamilton, and that O’Reilly’s books had been trashed by the critics as a bunch of crap. Then The Woman topped the cake with icing by stating:  “Anyone who reads O’Reilly’s historical messes as truth is an idiot.  Needless to say, The Trump Supporter was not amused, turned her back on The Woman while she demanded that her husband tell the “two queers” in front of the train window to move so that she could get a picture of Hamilton’s island home.

I should have realized at that moment something was afoot:  O’Reilly and Alexander Hamilton in the same breath, on a slave train, in a tropical island?  God was on the move—I could feel it.

Even Vice President Pence got to see the musical “Hamilton” and got schooled by the Hamilton cast during the curtain call.  Yes!  And his daddy (Trump) got pissed and demanded an apology from the cast.  (Never!!) Everyone was getting to see Hamilton except me.  Where was the love, The Woman asked The Man and Her God?

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart CagleCartoons.com

Then Christmas 2016 came.  The Woman’s present was the last one to be opened.  In a box that looked as if it held a new Cuisinart, the woman dug deep and pulled out an envelope:  Two tickets to Hamilton for April 2017—“Merry Christmas, Baby, Love ‘White and Wonderful!’”

It appears that The Man had been working, searching, planning, saving, and doing everything in his power to bless the love of his life with tickets to Hamilton.  He had bought the tickets over a year ago and kept it a secret from The Woman.  The Woman damn near fainted in front of the Christmas tree, as she reminded her children that this was one of the reasons she had married their father—this was the way love rolled!

Last week, The Man and Woman went off to New York City to see the show of a lifetime.  Few things ever, ever meet up to one’s expectations, but Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton surpassed The Woman’s greatest expectations!  It didn’t matter that Mr. Miranda was no longer starring in this phenomenon, because the replacement cast was equal (and in a couple of cases) better than the original cast.  The night The Woman and The Man saw the show, Brian D’Arcy James (of “13 Reasons Why” of Netflix fame and the original King George III during Hamilton’s workshop days), and James Monroe Iglehart (the genie from Broadway’s Aladdin) made their debuts in Hamilton and brought down the house.  From the moment the cast started the opening number, and the Aaron Burr character sang his opening line, chills spread up and down The Woman’s body and she and her man were transported to heaven:

“How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a

Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten

Spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor,

Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?”

Lyrics, “Hamilton” by Lin-Manuel Miranda

The Woman sent a message back to all her family, friends and fans that night:  “Do whatever you have to do to see the musical, Hamilton.  The hype is no exaggeration.  The script is outstanding, the singing is superb, the choreography is brilliant, and the message is transformational.  Beg, borrow, steal (do the time [just kidding], oh hell, it would be worth it!), but you must see this show.  It will change your life!  Lin-Manuel Miranda is a genius.

Photo credit:  Eleanor Tomczyk

INSPIRATIONAL “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) BY ELEANOR TOMCZYK

I am discovering that prayers do get answered.  While I was in NYC seeing Hamilton, O’Reilly’s career was destroyed.  I can’t tell you how many petitions I’ve signed to have that man removed from the airwaves and how many prayers I’ve uttered to have his influence eradicated.  I was horrified when I met that Trump Supporter in the West Indies—horrified at the stupidity she embraced based on a stupid man’s lies that she believed to be truth.

On the other hand, I was enthralled by the brilliance of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s awesome rendition of one of our forefathers’ stories.  It reminded me that we are a nation of immigrants (Miranda, himself, is the son of Puerto Rican immigrants) inspired by God to do great things.  And although it looks as if we are living in the gutter right now under the reign of a tyrant king, we once “turned the world upside down” as Lin-Manuel’s lyric says and did the impossible by overthrowing a stupid king and building a great nation that cannot easily be destroyed.  I saw Hamilton and I came away inspired and strengthened in faith that God is hearing my prayers for the immigrant, the disenfranchised, and the powerless.

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

***

INSPIRTATION ALEXANDER HAMILTON QUOTES

“Why has government been instituted at all? Because the passions of man will not conform to the dictates of reason and justice without constraint.”—Alexander Hamilton

 “The voice of the people has been said to be the voice of God; and, however generally this maxim has been quoted and believed, it is not true to fact. The people are turbulent and changing, they seldom judge or determine right.”—Alexander Hamilton

“There are seasons in every country when noise and impudence pass current for worth; and in popular commotions especially, the clamors of interested and factious men are often mistaken for patriotism.”—Alexander Hamilton

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

REFERENCES

https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2016/nov/05/why-hamilton-is-making-musical-history

http://www.broadwayworld.com/article/Non-Stop-James-Monroe-Iglehart-and-Brian-DArcy-James-Join-the-Broadway-Cast-of-HAMILTON-Tonight-20170414

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.