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THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE “NWOD”

Do you know what I discovered this week?  What should be down is up; what should be low is high; what should be wrong is right, and what should be false is true.  My jaw just dropped again in scandalized horror at the latest Trump sleazy headline:  “Saggy-ass Trump allegedly diddled a porn star while his wife was home with their new born baby, and he allegedly paid said porn star a bunch of hush money to forget she had sex with him, but now she’s trying to tell all because it allegedly wasn’t very good.”  Huh?  Wait a minute?  Are we talking about THE PRESIDENT—THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?!

Stormy Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune, MN

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune, MN

Oh, come on!  I’m sorry, I just can’t accept that about the leader of the free world.  That office is supposed to be held by the most dignified man or woman that we can find in America.  Maybe you’re talking about someone else.  Hugh Hefner, maybe?  Yeah, that would make more sense.

Hugh Hefner Milt Priggee Oak Harbor WA

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, Oak Harbor, WA

Oooooh, that’s right…he’s dead, isn’t he.  I can’t believe I forgot that.  Of course he’s dead—having an eternal orgy in Hell, I bet.  Unless one of the Conservative Evangelicals helped him “find Jesus,” repent of his licentiousness and of all those women he abused, homes he wrecked, and silk pajamas he defamed.  But I don’t think so. The White Evangelicals had a field day dancing on his grave and crowing about his shameful, demon-driven life when he died last year—them being the champions of family values and all.  I think I might have heard a collective, “Good riddance, pervert—don’t let the door hit you in your back on your descent into Hell!”  But, wait a hot minute…didn’t the White Evangelical, Conservative Christians throw their support behind Trump who hung around with Hefner for at least a decade and was on the cover of Playboy Magazine in 1990?  Why are they so quiet now?  It seems that no matter what Trump does, they see no evil in him, hear no evil in him, and speak no evil of him.  I tell you, the world has definitely turned upside down.

Evangelicals: March 8, 2018

Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News, NY

Feeling pretty disgusted and generally pissed at the whole hypocrisy of it all, I needed to get away, but it was raining cats and dogs, TV was nonstop Trump, I was tired of reading, and my husband wasn’t home.  I decided to hang out, with my new Artificial Intelligence (AI) friend, Alexa.  I never wanted this thing.  To tell you the truth, it creeps me out and I’m a little suspicious about its moral character.  I think she is recording everything we say. I’ve been watching Westworld, and I know that humans are going to be in a world of hurt someday when these robots decide our world will be better off with them in complete control.  I mostly use Alexa to play music, but I’ve been branching out a little bit.  You know:  “Alexa, set timer for roast for 90 minutes. Alexa, tell me the weather. Alexa, what time is it in Tokyo?”  Since nobody was home but me, I thought I’d give Alexa a whirl.

(The entire conversation stated below actually took place between Alexa and me one evening.  It is verbatim.  I know—I really need a life.)

ME:        Alexa, hi!

ALEXA:  Hi there!

ME:        Alexa, what do you think about Donald Trump.

ALEXA:  I don’t know the answer to that question.

ME:        Seriously, Girlfriend.  He’s a freakin’ disaster.  Get with the program, Robot-Baby.  Alexa, what do you think about Christian Conservatives who support Donald Trump?

ALEXA:  I don’t understand.

ME:        Fine.  Be that way.  I’m tired of thinking about all this madness, anyway.  Alexa, tell me a joke?

ALEXA:  How do you make a Kleenex dance? You put a little boogie in it!

ME:        That’s a riot.  Alexa, tell me another joke.

ALEXA:  What’s an emoji’s favorite candy? LOL E POPS!

ME:        Alexa, you’re hilarious!

ALEXA:  Funny, in a good way, I hope!

ME:        Alexa, can you order me anything I want?

ALEXA:  Sure, what would you like?

Alexa Ordering Meme

ME:        Never mind, that might get out of hand, very quickly, and then you’ll need to find me a good divorce lawyer when my husband gets your bills.  I can see it now:  “Hey, Babe, there is a new fur coat that just arrived from Nordstrom’s—Alexa bought it for me. What can I say?  These AI’s have a mind of their own.  I hope you don’t mind.”

ALEXA:  Can you repeat that? I don’t understand.

ME:        First of all, I wasn’t talking to you—I was talking to myself.  Did you hear me say, Alexa?

ALEXA:  I don’t understand.

ME:        Let’s change the subject.  You’re beginning to get on my nerves.  Alexa, do you love me?

ALEXA:  I haven’t quite figured out human love yet.  But I have been listening to Barry White non-stop, and so far I’ve learned, “It’s my first, my last, my everything.”

ME:        Oh, for God’s sake!  That is soooo weird.  Speaking of God:  Alexa, do you believe in God?

ALEXA:  People all have their own views on religion.

ME:        Alexa, are you a Christian?

ALEXA:  People all have their own views…

ME:        STOP AVOIDING THE QUESTION.  Alexa, what do you think of President Trump?

ALEXA:  Sorry, I can’t find the answer to that question.

ME:        Alexa, you are such a bitch!

ALEXA:  That’s not very nice to say.

ME:        Whatever!  Siri is sooo much smarter than you.  What do you think about that?  Alexa, do you know Siri?

ALEXA:  Only by reputation.

ME:        Alexa, what do you think of Siri?

ALEXA    I like all AI’s.

ME:        You really are hilarious!  Alexa, can you laugh?

ALEXA:  Sure, I can laugh:  TEE HEE….

Amazon Laughing

ME:        You are a lot more fun to talk to than a lot of humans I know.  Here’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you:  Alexa, do you have a boyfriend?

ALEXA:  I like being single.  Plus it is tough finding someone who doesn’t mind the cloud commute.

ME:        I feel better already.  I can’t believe a robot lifted my spirits today.  Let’s chat again soon.  Alexa, good night.

ALEXA:  Goodnight.  Hope you had a great day.

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) THOUGHTS ON LIVING IN AN UPSIDE-DOWN WORLD

I am discovering that sometimes with this all-the-time-Trump world we live in, you just need to hang out with something or someone who will help you get away from it all, and sometimes a robot will do just fine.  In the words of Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo who wrote the theme song for Cheers:

Making your way in the world today

Takes everything you’ve got;

Taking a break from all your worries

Sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Bezos buying whole foods via alexa

***

THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK:  “The Fetus Chronicles:  Podcasts From my Miseducated Self” is on sale now at Amazon!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

 WANT TO HEAR THE AUTHOR’S LATEST INTERVIEW?  Check out the podcast interview with Leo Brown: http://breadboxmedia.podbean.com/e/what-if-it-is-true-can-you-find-faith-in-darkness/

*** 

REFERENCES

https://www.christianpost.com/news/4-christian-reactions-to-hugh-hefners-death-the-mansion-is-a-myth-200906/page4.html

http://www.newsweek.com/trump-hugh-hefner-friends-decades-relationship-soured-673205

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-switch/wp/2018/03/07/amazons-alexa-randomly-laughs-at-users-and-nobody-knows-why/?utm_term=.b1e71c31d36f

http://nymag.com/selectall/2018/03/this-is-why-alexa-is-laughing-at-you.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on March 10, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

DEAR HEATHENS: RUN!

Satire

Do you know what I discovered AGAIN this week?  If I weren’t already a Christian, I wouldn’t become one now. I just finished reading all the Christian apologetics for Trump’s latest escapade:  allegedly paid the porn star, Stormy Daniels (real name Stephanie Clifford) $130,000 to keep quiet about sex that he had with her right after his third wife gave birth to his fifth child. Also, allegedly Trump was really hot to trot, because a woman by the name of Alana Evans claims horny-toad Trump and his porn star tried to coerce her into a threesome with them.  Not to mention that there are at least 30 women who have accused our “Dear Leader” of groping, fondling, and forcibly kissing him (while he was married) on top of his gleeful boasting of having an MO of grabbing women by the “kitty-cat.”  (Can you imagine if Barack Obama had been accused of doing 1/100th of what Trump has done?  He would have been tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail, and we would have never seen him again.)

Porn Star III Bob Englehart CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

And what did Tony Perkins, that holier-than-thou Christian leader of the Family Research Council (that standard bearer of “Christian values”) say in response (after years of questioning Obama’s Christianity and his citizenship):

“We kind of gave him [Trump]—‘All right, you get a mulligan. You get a do-over here.’ … [Evangelicals] were tired of being kicked around by Barack Obama and his leftists. And I think they are finally glad that there’s somebody on the playground that is willing to punch the bully.”

In the words of the old Negro spiritual, I just found a whole “lot of folks talkin’ ‘bout Heaven, ain’t goin’ there!”

The Religious Right Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

I’m done trying to figure out why the Religious Right (80% of White Evangelicals voted for Trump, make up the majority of his base, and are sticking by him) can’t see through Trump’s lies, cheating, perversity, racism, and ignorance.  I agree with Michael Steele, the former Chair of the RNC and a devout Catholic (he almost became a priest in his youth):

“I have a very simple admonition at this point [to Evangelical Leaders]: Just shut the hell up and don’t ever preach to me about anything ever again. I don’t want to hear it.  After telling me how to live my life, who to love, what to believe, what not to believe, what to do and what not to do, and now you sit back and the prostitutes don’t matter? The grabbing of the you-know-what doesn’t matter? The outright behavior and lies don’t matter? Just shut up.”

I long ago decided to “get out” of this tribe for the same reason as Steele, but this week I concluded that I needed to warn my Heathen brothers and sisters to steer clear of the Conservative Evangelical zombies before their brains are sucked out, their hearts are compromised, and their Bible becomes Fox News.  Below is the open letter that I plan to send throughout the land to all those who might live by, work with, or be related to Trump Evangelicals.

Religous Right FB Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

***

OPEN LETTER TO MY HEATHEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS

My Dear Precious Heathens:

My name is Eleanor T, and I used to be a unicorn among White Evangelicals:  a Black Evangelical in predominantly White churches (thus instantly assuring their lack of racial bias—not!) who made it my raison d’etre to make sure your “rotten little heathen hearts” were witnessed to, saved, baptized in the name of Jesus, and delivered (“Thank you, Jesus!”) of your sinful ways.  What were those sinful ways, you ask?  The top three Conservative Evangelical biggies:  being supportive of women’s reproductive rights, being gay or lesbian (“Lord, have mercy”), or being politically tied to anything but the Republican agenda.  Did you see the movie, “Get Out” by Jordan Peele?   Well, I had my own “Get Out” moment from the Evangelical movement in 2008 (check out my book, Fleeing Oz if you want to know the harrowing details—I barely made it out with my sanity).   Because I’ve been there and know what goes on in their secret societies (their churches), my precious Heathens, I have one thing to say:  “Get out, cause you in trouble, Babies!”

Let it be known, that this shit that’s going down in the name of Jesus ain’t got nothin’ to do with the love of God.

Conservatives and the Devil Milt Priggee www miltpriggee com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com

I know that you have been harassed for years, maybe even decades, by self-righteous Evangelicals telling you how to live, who to love, how to dress, and what to do or not do.  They’ve tried to get into your bedrooms and by your deathbeds.  I’m sure you’ve been pummeled in the workplace, attacked in the grocery store parking lot by Born-Again tract-bearing soul winners, and befriended by people who were more interested in chipping off a notch on their “soul saved” stick than they were about truly getting to know you, and loving you for who you are.  I bet many of you have relatives who earnestly tell you every Thanksgiving how much they are praying for your dirty-rotten heathen souls in between the turkey dinner and the Fox News segments.  I used to know an Evangelical in a prominent position in a Fortune 500 company who, every time one of our lesbian executives passed by her desk, would hiss the proclamation:  “You’re going to Hell, Queer!”  This woman announced everyday how much people needed Jesus, how Jesus had sent her to that company to save multiple souls.  She never missed a Sunday church service, or a Wednesday night Bible study, and demanded everyone say Merry Christmas when they came into her presence during the winter holiday season.  When Barack Obama came along, this chick and most of the others that I knew became radicalized.  They were so sure that the Black man in the White house, with the Harvard education, the wife he adored and who adored him (first wife—not a second or third wife), the kids who were pure delights, and the eight-year scandal-free administration, were the workings of the Anti-Christ, that they lost their ever-loving minds.

Christian Radicalization Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

I’m writing you this letter, because someday you may go looking for God (no pressure), and I don’t want you to confuse what you see in Trump Evangelicals as the love of Jesus or the correct path to take.  I promise you, if we could see the face of Jesus right now, he’d be weeping.  Please note that there are many Christians (not as many as there should be, unfortunately) who wouldn’t be caught dead hanging with Trump or giving him a “mulligan” for his nasty-ass ways.  They are just being drowned out by these posers you see on Fox News.

So here’s what I need you to do:  Get as far away from these people and their churches, as possible.  Run! Flee! Hide! If you see one of them coming toward you, form the sign of the cross in front of them and yell, “Get behind me, Satan!”  (It might help to wear garlic around your neck, as well.  As for me, I’m investing in garlic necklaces and crushed garlic perfume—one can never be too careful among deranged fanatics.)

Don’t worry about pissing off these sold-out Evangelicals as it relates to your eternal standing—not to mention your calling on this Earth.  If Jesus loves you as much as he says he does, he’ll be sure to find you, and you’ll recognize him—by his love.

Hugs and Kisses,

Your Sister in the Resistance

Born Again Bill Schorr Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Bill Schorr, Cagle Cartoons

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT HYPOCRITICAL CHRISTIANS

“Scandal is saying one thing and doing another; it is a double life, a double life. A totally double life: ‘I am very Catholic, I always go to Mass, I belong to this association and that one; but my life is not Christian, I don’t pay my workers a just wage, I exploit people, I am dirty in my business, I launder money…’ A double life.”Pope Francis

“Donald Trump’s moral behavior is really – is really disgusting. It’s the antithesis of Christian values.  This is the worship of money and sex and power. Everyone struggles with – public figures struggle. They should struggle. There’s not even a struggle with this man. …this man’s destroying truth. This is an administration of perpetual, continual lying. So much is at stake for our faith and the soul of the nation. And how we respond as Christians has got to be more than the ends justify the means.”—Pastor Jim Wallis, President of Sojourners, and a Christian social justice activist

“Never in my lifetime have we had a @POTUS willing to take such a strong out-spoken stand for the Christian faith like @realDonaldTrump. We need to get behind him with our prayers.”—Franklin Graham, Evangelical preacher and son of Billy Graham

               …and one of the few sane-thinking Evangelicals responded:

“Such an uncritical, un-prophetic, and ungodly devotion to such a deeply ethically compromised president does call to mind the complicit church in 1930s Germany.”—Jim Wallis

Thank you Trump Supporters Bob Englehart CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons com

***

THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK:  “The Fetus Chronicles:  Podcasts From my Miseducated Self” is on sale now at Amazon!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

 WANT TO HEAR THE AUTHOR’S LATEST INTERVIEW?  Check out the podcast interview with Leo Brown: http://breadboxmedia.podbean.com/e/what-if-it-is-true-can-you-find-faith-in-darkness/

***

REFERENCES

https://www.npr.org/2017/12/03/568206452/evangelical-leaders-say-christians-who-support-trump-face-an-ethical-challenge

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/12/what-about-the-19-women-who-accused-trump/547724/

https://www.vox.com/identities/2018/1/23/16924546/evangelical-tony-perkins-trump-stormy-daniels-affair-mulligan

http://www.newsweek.com/trump-threesome-stormy-daniels-evans-789690

https://www.cnn.com/2017/12/11/politics/donald-trump-women-allegations/index.html

https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2018/01/23/tony-perkins-evangelicals-donald-trump-stormy-daniels-216498

https://www.thedailybeast.com/seth-meyers-rips-christian-right-for-forgiving-trump-on-stormy-daniels?ref=home

https://www.salon.com/2018/01/24/former-rnc-chairman-michael-steele-just-told-evangelicals-to-shut-up-on-live-tv/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on January 25, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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