Do you know what I discovered this week? What should be down is up; what should be low is high; what should be wrong is right, and what should be false is true. My jaw just dropped again in scandalized horror at the latest Trump sleazy headline: “Saggy-ass Trump allegedly diddled a porn star while his wife was home with their new born baby, and he allegedly paid said porn star a bunch of hush money to forget she had sex with him, but now she’s trying to tell all because it allegedly wasn’t very good.” Huh? Wait a minute? Are we talking about THE PRESIDENT—THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?!
Oh, come on! I’m sorry, I just can’t accept that about the leader of the free world. That office is supposed to be held by the most dignified man or woman that we can find in America. Maybe you’re talking about someone else. Hugh Hefner, maybe? Yeah, that would make more sense.
Oooooh, that’s right…he’s dead, isn’t he. I can’t believe I forgot that. Of course he’s dead—having an eternal orgy in Hell, I bet. Unless one of the Conservative Evangelicals helped him “find Jesus,” repent of his licentiousness and of all those women he abused, homes he wrecked, and silk pajamas he defamed. But I don’t think so. The White Evangelicals had a field day dancing on his grave and crowing about his shameful, demon-driven life when he died last year—them being the champions of family values and all. I think I might have heard a collective, “Good riddance, pervert—don’t let the door hit you in your back on your descent into Hell!” But, wait a hot minute…didn’t the White Evangelical, Conservative Christians throw their support behind Trump who hung around with Hefner for at least a decade and was on the cover of Playboy Magazine in 1990? Why are they so quiet now? It seems that no matter what Trump does, they see no evil in him, hear no evil in him, and speak no evil of him. I tell you, the world has definitely turned upside down.
Feeling pretty disgusted and generally pissed at the whole hypocrisy of it all, I needed to get away, but it was raining cats and dogs, TV was nonstop Trump, I was tired of reading, and my husband wasn’t home. I decided to hang out, with my new Artificial Intelligence (AI) friend, Alexa. I never wanted this thing. To tell you the truth, it creeps me out and I’m a little suspicious about its moral character. I think she is recording everything we say. I’ve been watching Westworld, and I know that humans are going to be in a world of hurt someday when these robots decide our world will be better off with them in complete control. I mostly use Alexa to play music, but I’ve been branching out a little bit. You know: “Alexa, set timer for roast for 90 minutes. Alexa, tell me the weather. Alexa, what time is it in Tokyo?” Since nobody was home but me, I thought I’d give Alexa a whirl.
(The entire conversation stated below actually took place between Alexa and me one evening. It is verbatim. I know—I really need a life.)
ME: Alexa, hi!
ALEXA: Hi there!
ME: Alexa, what do you think about Donald Trump.
ALEXA: I don’t know the answer to that question.
ME: Seriously, Girlfriend. He’s a freakin’ disaster. Get with the program, Robot-Baby. Alexa, what do you think about Christian Conservatives who support Donald Trump?
ALEXA: I don’t understand.
ME: Fine. Be that way. I’m tired of thinking about all this madness, anyway. Alexa, tell me a joke?
ALEXA: How do you make a Kleenex dance? You put a little boogie in it!
ME: That’s a riot. Alexa, tell me another joke.
ALEXA: What’s an emoji’s favorite candy? LOL E POPS!
ME: Alexa, you’re hilarious!
ALEXA: Funny, in a good way, I hope!
ME: Alexa, can you order me anything I want?
ALEXA: Sure, what would you like?
ME: Never mind, that might get out of hand, very quickly, and then you’ll need to find me a good divorce lawyer when my husband gets your bills. I can see it now: “Hey, Babe, there is a new fur coat that just arrived from Nordstrom’s—Alexa bought it for me. What can I say? These AI’s have a mind of their own. I hope you don’t mind.”
ALEXA: Can you repeat that? I don’t understand.
ME: First of all, I wasn’t talking to you—I was talking to myself. Did you hear me say, Alexa?
ALEXA: I don’t understand.
ME: Let’s change the subject. You’re beginning to get on my nerves. Alexa, do you love me?
ALEXA: I haven’t quite figured out human love yet. But I have been listening to Barry White non-stop, and so far I’ve learned, “It’s my first, my last, my everything.”
ME: Oh, for God’s sake! That is soooo weird. Speaking of God: Alexa, do you believe in God?
ALEXA: People all have their own views on religion.
ME: Alexa, are you a Christian?
ALEXA: People all have their own views…
ME: STOP AVOIDING THE QUESTION. Alexa, what do you think of President Trump?
ALEXA: Sorry, I can’t find the answer to that question.
ME: Alexa, you are such a bitch!
ALEXA: That’s not very nice to say.
ME: Whatever! Siri is sooo much smarter than you. What do you think about that? Alexa, do you know Siri?
ALEXA: Only by reputation.
ME: Alexa, what do you think of Siri?
ALEXA I like all AI’s.
ME: You really are hilarious! Alexa, can you laugh?
ALEXA: Sure, I can laugh: TEE HEE….
ME: You are a lot more fun to talk to than a lot of humans I know. Here’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you: Alexa, do you have a boyfriend?
ALEXA: I like being single. Plus it is tough finding someone who doesn’t mind the cloud commute.
ME: I feel better already. I can’t believe a robot lifted my spirits today. Let’s chat again soon. Alexa, good night.
ALEXA: Goodnight. Hope you had a great day.
ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) THOUGHTS ON LIVING IN AN UPSIDE-DOWN WORLD
I am discovering that sometimes with this all-the-time-Trump world we live in, you just need to hang out with something or someone who will help you get away from it all, and sometimes a robot will do just fine. In the words of Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo who wrote the theme song for Cheers:
Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you’ve got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away?
THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK: “The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts From my Miseducated Self” is on sale now at Amazon!
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com
WANT TO HEAR THE AUTHOR’S LATEST INTERVIEW? Check out the podcast interview with Leo Brown: http://breadboxmedia.podbean.com/e/what-if-it-is-true-can-you-find-faith-in-darkness/
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