RSS

Tag Archives: satire

EASTER IS COMING!

Do you know what I discovered, recently?  Mother Nature can’t make up her mind whether spring should come or winter should stay.  I live in a golf community, and even though I’d personally prefer to knock myself unconscious with a five-iron rather than play a round of golf, I am feeling a bit sorry for my friends and neighbors who almost froze to death last week just trying to play nine holes.  While they muttered and complained about the wind-chill factor, I turned back on the heat and the fireplace, and wrapped myself in a warm blanket with a mug of hot chocolate.

Winter Spring Duel Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

As I meditated on the concept of why any sane human being would ever want to hit a white ball with a clubbed stick in any type of weather, suddenly the sky grew dark and stormy, the heavens opened up, and rain with hail the size of peas on steroids began to assault my house and property while the trees bent so low, it looked as if they were trying to kiss the Earth.  While I tried to determine whether I was in a tornado and should run down to the basement, a rabbit flew across my lawn (propelled by the wind) in search of shelter, but never managed to land on its feet.  The hurricane-type winds pushed him down the hill at fifty miles an hour and out of sight.   I’m pretty sure he didn’t survive, and I imagine his bunny ass is plastered against one of the trees in the forest behind my house.  However, I’ll never know for sure because when I tried to find out what happened to him once the storm was over, a large snake slithered out of the forest towards me, and I ran back into the safety of my house, screaming:  “Oh Hell to the no! Bunny.  I like rabbits—being it’s near Easter and all—but tangling with a snake to save your sorry-ass is beyond the pale.”  (Don’t you ever wonder why we don’t see more animals flying through the air when bad storms happen?  Where do they go during hurricanes and tornados?  What do they cling to when the winds are moving at a hundred miles an hour?  I have a million squirrels on my property—why didn’t I see at least a half million of those soaring through the air?)

I took a nap, fully expecting to dream about that wind-kill-of-a-bunny, but instead I dreamt of the Easter Bunny.  Only in my dream scenario, the Easter Bunny wasn’t being hammered by a winter/spring storm against a tree, he was in hiding in a giant cave with a gazillion eggs, hordes of Easter candy with a legion of reporters asking him how he’d lost his faith.  I could see them, but they couldn’t see me.  As I approached the scene, I heard the Easter Bunny say:  “I quit, I quit I tell you!  All you people from every country all over this planet are horrid creatures.  There isn’t a country that I’ve visited where I haven’t been assaulted, attacked, and arrested.  What am I guilty of?  What did I ever do but bring happiness, sunshine, and color to your pathetic lives?  And what do I get in return?  War.  Mayhem.  Slaughter.  Assault.  Abuse.  BUNNY LIVES—ESPECIALLY EASTER BUNNY LIVES—MATTER, YOU SONS-A-BITCHES!”

Easter in Europe Marian Kamensky Austria

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

(News organizations represented: RNN=Real News Network, EBN=Easter Bunny News, MNBC=Mayhem Network Broadcasting Corporation, ETWN=End of the World Network)

RNN:  Easter Bunny.  We just got news via your Twitter account that you’re quitting the biz.  What gives?

EASTER B:  You—all of y’all.  You’re the reason I’m quitting.  The entire human race has gotten on my every last nerve.  All my bunny partners are quitting, also.  From here to China and back through Africa, we are hanging up our Easter baskets and taping down our ears.  You beings could care less about Easter and what it stands for.  The Bunny Times was delivered to me today, and I almost had a heart attack just getting through the first half-dozen headlines:

The Uranium Underworld: ISIS want a dirty bomb—and it knows where to get one

Famine now threatens more people than at any time since World War II

San Bernardino reels from elementary school shooting that left teacher, 8-year-old student dead

Charleston church shooter Dylann Roof pleads guilty in state court, avoids second death penalty trial

It Took Thieves 30 Seconds to Crash Truck Into Store, Grab Guns And Leave

Approaching “societal collapse”: New equation shows how quickly humans are wrecking the planet

Why the population of Easter Island really died out: Study finds arrival of Europeans brought disease that wiped out inhabitants

EASTER B:  I’ve just been hiding out in this cave, getting drunk and sobbing myself to sleep.  You people are some nasty-ass mammals.  You destroy everything in your wake—from babies to the Earth’s atmosphere.  No amount of Cadbury eggs and jelly beans can fix you.  You’re broken, and I am at my wit’s end regarding how to fix you.

World Broken Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

EBN:  Easter Bunny, is it true that you were shot at in Alabama?

EASTER B:  Shot at in Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Louisiana, South and North Carolina, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas, and of course Florida.  Those goddamn “stand your ground laws” will be the death of me yet.  What is it with you people and your love of guns?  I’ve traveled through war zones and never been shot at as much as I have in the United States.  Aren’t you people the ones who claim that the One who Easter is about is the One who loves your nation above all other nations?  (It isn’t true, you know; I have it on great authority that my employer loves all peoples from all nations.)  But my point is, show me the Bible verse where Jesus said, “I died on the cross so that you might have a life with guns and have guns more abundantly to shoot and kill anybody that looks at you sideways.”

Easter Bunny Gunned Down Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

MNBC:  Mr. Bunny, people are saying that you’re exaggerating your plight because in reality you’re just getting too old for the job, but you don’t have the chutzpah to retire.  Is it true?  Aren’t you 500 years old?

EASTER B:  Who is spreading those vicious lies?  I’m not a day over 400!  I’m as spry as the day I started when I used to be called “The Judge,” and I determined what children had been naughty or nice to leave candy for the nice ones.  That is until that fat guy in the red suit took over my modus operandi.

 ETWN:  Sir, “End of the World Network” here.  Is it true that you were on United Airlines flight 3411 at Chicago O’Hare International Airport and saw the entire scene go down when United brutalized the elderly Asian man and pulled him off the plane because they allegedly wanted to give his seat to a crew member? Are the stories we’ve been hearing true?

EASTER B:  You’re damn straight the stories are true.  Yes, I had just settled into my seat with my basket of goodies (Peeps, jelly beans, chocolate eggs—you name it) stowed overhead when the scene went down.  It was just horrific, I tell you—disgusting!  The poor man was bleeding and frightened.  Children were crying, people were screaming for the United Airlines thugs to stop brutalizing that old man.   (He’s a doctor, you know?  I kept waiting for the stewardess to announce:  “Is there a doctor on board to treat the passenger who we just beat the shit out of?”  Then the guy could have raised his hand to treat himself and saved United some money, which seems to be all they care about these days.  They certainly don’t care about their customers.  Fly the friendly skies with United, my bunny ass!)  What you don’t know is that I was the fourth individual who was asked to give up my seat.  Well, as you can imagine, I said an emphatic, “Hell to the no!”  I had to get to Louisville that night, too.  Children were waiting for me.  I told the snarky flight attendant that Easter is a priority.  Had she no faith?

ETWN:  What did she say?

EASTER B:  She said, “Yeah, right!  If you’re the Easter Bunny, than I’m Jesus Christ.  Get out!”  And then the United Airlines thugs dragged me out—Easter accoutrements flying every which way but Sunday.  It’s appalling the way they treated me!  United Airlines actions with the Asian man and with Easter Bunny extraordinaire were devoid of compassion and coldhearted as a snake!

United Airlines Bunny Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

MNBC:  Do you have any proof?  Did anyone take pictures and post them on Facebook?  You got a YouTube video?

EASTER B:  That’s for me to know and for you to find out.  All you need to know is that last bit of inhumanity did it for me.  Broke my heart and my spirit.  I figured if they could do that to “moi” (a revered international figure that is well over 400 years old), then no human is safe in their hands.  That’s when I decided to give up the ghost and go into hiding.  The Chinese Easter Bunny sent me a text a couple hours ago and said he is also quitting, because he is convinced that the United Airlines debacle was racially motivated since the doctor was Asian that they dragged off the plane.  I don’t know anything about that (as far as I’m concerned, their actions towards me were those of rodent racists).  All I know is no human being who was just trying to make his way back home deserved to be treated like that.  Anyway, you all will have to excuse me.  I need to get some rest.

EBN:  One last question, Easter Bunny.  If you stay in hiding, who will represent the Easter Bunny at the White House Easter egg hunt and roll?

EASTER B:  No longer my concern, Dude.  Maybe your President will be able to conjure up a replacement.  In the meantime, adieu, ciao, adios!

Steve Bannon as the Easter Bunny John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT EASTER

I am discovering that fortunately my hope and trust in Easter has nothing to do with a bunny, so he can be dead for all I care.  But the fact that my God did not stay dead, but rose again on Easter morning is the reason I live, breathe, and have my being. 

Resurrection = a second chance, and a second chance = hope.  Every day I pray as a human being to do right by others—be they family or strangers.  Yet, every day I fall short of that goal and betray the life of my good God who gave His life for me that I might have life and have it more abundantly than my birth, race, and social status initially accorded me by the country of my birth.  I love spring because no matter how cruel and long winter is or how many missteps I make as an inadequate human, spring never fails to resurrect the Earth and bring forth summer, and Easter never fails to readjust my moral compass.

In spite of all the wintery darkness of the world that swirls around us (wars and rumors of wars, chemical warfare, ISIS, and a President from Hell), the remembrance of the resurrection of Jesus undergirds my soul so that I hope—no, I KNOW—that because of Easter, summer is coming to the hearts of man.  Easter is the miracle that life wins over death.

HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE!

JESUS IS RISEN—HE IS RISEN, INDEED!

Easter Risen Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

 

INSPIRATIONAL EASTER QUOTES

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”—Mahatma Gandhi

“I really do believe that God is love, one of deep affection and grace and forgiveness and inspiration.”—William P. Young

“Easter is very important to me, it’s a second chance.”—Reba McEntire

Spring and freezing Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS COMING?  MY THIRD BOOK!  TWO MORE WEEKS—WATCH THIS SPACE!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

 REFERENCES

http://www.salon.com/2017/04/11/donald-trumps-white-house-cant-even-organize-the-easter-egg-roll/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/dr-gridlock/wp/2017/04/11/amid-pr-fiasco-over-dragged-passenger-united-ceo-defends-his-crew/?hpid=hp_hp-top-table-main_no-name%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on April 11, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Y’ALL WOKE YET?

Do you know what I’ve discovered this week?  Our “country, tis of thee, sweet land of liberty,” is in trouble, Girls and Boys!  We are being led by a madman who has been proven to be a consummate liar, and he allegedly colluded with the Russians to interfere with our election.  The walls of our country are falling down around Trump’s ears.  This dude is beginning to make Nixon look like a saint, and the question that continues to blow my mind is:  How can his supporters—especially his Christian supporters—still stand behind this cretin? Plus, he’s trying to kill off Big Bird!

America cannot be saved Marian Kamensky Austria

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kamensky, Austria

 

I “watched” the Congressional hearing featuring Director Comey and his side-kick Adm. Michael S. Rogers the other day from start to finish.  THE FINAL VERDICT:  Trump LIED, LIED, LIED about President Obama wiretapping Trump Tower, Trump lied about President Obama coercing British intelligence to spy on him (which incurred the wrath of the Brits), and Trump lied about lying.  And then there are the Russian connections to his campaign—growing stronger and louder every day.

Besides the Russians, I started wondering about the two major groups that ushered this madman into the White House:  disenfranchised White folks (boy, are they going to be devastated at his betrayal) and born-again Christians (boy, are they gonna have some ‘splainin’ to do to Jesus).  I’m wondering how they can justify their support of such a creature—especially the “born-agains.” (In the interest of full disclosure, I am a born-again Christian but the kind with a brain, a heart, and a soul that hasn’t sold itself to the devil—a.k.a. Trump.)

Maybe it’s me?  Maybe the rules have changed as to how God feels about liars.  If so, then I can see why the 4 out of 5 White evangelicals who voted for Trump (and think he is God’s anointed man of the hour) are winking at his lies.  I don’t know—maybe there’s a new Bible in town— you know, the book they all swear by.  I decided to put Trump and The Holy Bible on trial and call up my alter ego (The Dalai Mama) to do a “Judge Judy” courtroom scene in which Truth is weighed in the balance.

Leaks Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

 

Courtroom scene opens in an alternative universe where Donald Trump is the defendant, the God of the Universe is the plaintiff, and my alter ego (The Dalai Mama) is the judge. 

BAILIFF: All rise. Department One of the Superior Court is now in session.  The Honorable Judge Dalai Mama is presiding.  Please be seated.

DALAI MAMA: Good mornin’, ladies and gentlemen. Hope y’all had your Wheaties this mornin’ ‘cause it’s gonna be a long day, I can tell.  Callin’ forward our first case of the God of the Universe versus Donald Trump. Are both sides ready?  Where’s the plaintiff, God?  I don’t see him.

BAILIFF:   Excuse me, your Honor, but God sent a representative to testify on his behalf—The Holy Bible.  If that is okay with you?

DALAI MAMA:  What am I gonna say?  No?  I’d much prefer THE MAN, Himself show today because He’s been awful quiet lately.  The world could use Him showing up in the flesh, and settin’ a few things straight.  In fact, we really need him to do something about South Sudan.  Starvation is getting’ so bad there that the guerilla warriors are kidnapping the aid workers and demanding their ransom in food.  But since He’s God, I’ll accept His surrogate.  Proceed, Bailiff.

BAILIFF: Your Honor, the defendant (Donald J. Trump) has been charged with the crime of lying through his teeth.

TRUMP: False!  Bad Bailiff!  You dare judge me—fake news!  Under the law I am presumed innocent until proven guilty. During this trial, you will hear no real evidence against me. You will come to know the truth: that I, Donald Trump, speak only truth and everyone who disagrees with me speaks lies—especially that “bad man,” Barack Hussein Obama. I am not guilty of anything.  All my facts about him came from very reliable sources of the highest order.

Trump Intel David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

 

DALAI MAMA:  Zip it Donald.  Keep it up, and you’ll be in contempt of court. The Bench calls the owner of the truth of God—the Holy Bible.

BAILIFF:   Please stand. Raise your right hand. Do you promise that the testimony you shall give in the case before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

BIBLE:  I do.

BAILIFF: Please state your first and last name and spell it.

BIBLE:   My name is Bible—no first name—just Bible.  I’m the “B-I-B-L-E…”

BAILIFF:   [breaks into song) “Yes, that’s the book for me!”

DALAI MAMA:  Cut it out, Bailiff, my courtroom ain’t no Sunday school!  Bible, since you are the plaintiff in this case, what has Donald Trump done to piss off the God of the Universe.

BIBLE:  Well, your honor, Mr. Trump claims to be a “Christian,” but Jesus sent me here to tell the Court that if this man is a Christian, then the Earth is flat and the Sun revolves around the Earth.  He’s never heard Trump repent of anything, admit he’s wrong about anything, and God finds him to be a lowlife who abuses women.

TRUMP:  Oh, yeah?  Well, if I’m not a Christian, why did the White Conservative Evangelicals send me to the White House?  They think I’m a Christian.  Besides, who cares what you think:  I’m President and you’re not.  And who is this Jesus, anyway.  Didn’t he get crucified?  I don’t like gods who get crucified—only gods who don’t.  Loser!

DALAI MAMA:  Hey—FOOL!  Don’t you dare come up in my courtroom blasphemin’ the Lawd.   You may survive his wrath, but you won’t survive mine, Sucka!  Bible, please proceed.

Trump Burning Bob Englehart CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

 

BIBLE:  As I was saying, the God of the Universe takes issue with Mr. Trump being a Christian and questions the faith of those who will not confront The Donald on his egregious lies.  One of the characteristics of God is that he is a God of Truth.  If it would please the Court, would your Honor please read the latest tweet lies that made their way into the heavens and, therefore, to God’s ears?

DALAI MAMA:  Sure.  Is it true Mr. Trump that on March 4, 2017, you tweeted the following:  “How low has President Obama gone to tapp [sic] my phones during the very sacred election process? This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!”  What is it about Barack Obama that causes you to lose yo’ “Christianity,” Sir?  If, indeed, you are a Christian.

TRUMP:  The Kenyan keeps messing with me.  He’s messing with me right now.  Can’t you see him standing over there trying to tape this travesty of a hearing?  He’s in cahoots with that Jesus character.

Trump sees Obama RJ Matson Roll Call

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson Roll Call

DALAI MAMA:  No!  You’re changing the subject, Little Man.  These court documents submitted by David Leonhardt from the NY Times say you (Trump) lied about:  “Obama’s birthplace, John F. Kennedy’s assassination, Sept. 11, the Iraq War, ISIS, NATO, military veterans, Mexican immigrants, Muslim immigrants, anti-Semitic attacks, the unemployment rate, the murder rate, the Electoral College, voter fraud and his groping of women.”   Look like you wouldn’t know the truth if it came and bit you in the butt, Trumpee.  Bible, what does God have to say about lyin’?

BIBLE:  Tons of stuff.  First off, in the second commandment of the Ten Commandments, God says:  Don’t do it.  In Leviticus 19:11, my pages say:  “Do not lie.  Do not deceive.” 

TRUMP: Levite what?  Is that some kind of Jewish hotdog? I love hot dogs.

BIBLE:  (Sigh!)  Then there’s one of my favorites:  “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”  That’s in Colossians 3:9

DALAI MAMA:  Isn’t that lovely?  My favorite is Ephesians 4:25“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” Isn’t that somethin’ else? “We are members of one another.”  Now, how you and yo’ followers claim to be Christians when you lie like a rug when it’s so much easier to tell the truth.  Director Comey shot yo’ lies right out of the sky.

Lies shot down by Comey Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

TRUMP:   You believe that so-called FBI Director?  That so-called Bible?  They’re both lying.  They’re both fakes—pushing fake news!

BAILIFF:  Y’all ain’t even come close to my favorite scripture about lyin’ yet, written right there in the heart of the Bible in Psalm 34:11-16:

“Come my children, listen to me;

I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

Whoever of you loves life

And desires to see many good days,

Keep your tongue from evil

And your lips from telling lies.

…the face of God is against those who do evil,

To blot out their name from the Earth.”

DALAI MAMA:  Oooooh, you hear that, Trump?.  Your days are numbered, Baby.  The Bible that you say you believe in says the God you say you believe in is gonna wipe your behind off the face of the Earth and blot out the Trump name from the Earth unless you stop doin’ evil.  There you have it.  On that note, I ain’t got nothin’ else to say, except:  “Donald J. Trump, you are guilty of lyin’ your ass off, and you stand accused of such, by the God of the Universe.  Repent, ask God’s forgiveness, and apologize to President Obama for defaming his name and legacy, and then, maybe—just maybe—your presidency might not suffer the wrath of God!”

TRUMP:  I never admit to wrong doing.   I never ask forgiveness (I thought everybody knew that).  I don’t like this hearing.  God is so unfair.  Bad God.  Why doesn’t he zap the Kenyan? Then maybe I’d listen to him.  He clearly doesn’t like me.  I only like gods who like me.  So there!

Trump Cursed America Bill Day Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission:  Bill Day, Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) REGARDING TRUMP’S LIES

I am discovering that America needs to ask itself:  What type of leader do we want, and what is the meaning of truth?   The more lying becomes accepted practice in our presidents, the more we’ll get used to it, until there will be no more truth in the land.  ‘Cause here’s the thing:  a fish rots from the head on down.  Hey, Christian supporters of Trump:  “Y’ALL WOKE YET?”

What America Wants Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

***

 SCARY QUOTES ABOUT TRUMP’S INABILITY TO TELL THE TRUTH

“Donald Trump’s peculiar relationship with the truth—his penchant for promoting unfounded stories and conspiracies theories—represents not just a curious quirk or a character flaw. They are a much-practiced technique that has paid dividends as self-promotion in his business career and in his political rise. Over decades spent in the company of yes men and yes women, he has been able to fire off nonsense without question or rebuke.  But now he is President Trump, and his breezy spewing of falsehoods has become a national embarrassment—a threat to U.S. security and America’s standing in the world.”—Frida Ghitis/CNN

 “If the Trump campaign, or anybody associated with it, aided or abetted the Russians, it would not only be a serious crime, it would also represent one of the most shocking betrayals of our democracy in history.”Rep. Adam Schiff of California

“I have been authorized by the Department of Justice to confirm that the FBI, as part of our counterintelligence mission, is investigating the Russian government’s efforts to interfere in the 2016 presidential election,” Comey said. “And that includes investigating the nature of any links between individuals associated with the Trump campaign and the Russian government.”Director Comey

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

ANNOUNCEMENT:  Third book by author due to launch in three weeks.  Stay tuned!

***

REFERENCES

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2017/03/trump_s_comey_tweet_was_one_of_his_most_terrifying_lies_yet.html

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/20/opinion/all-the-presidents-lies.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-right-region&region=opinion-c-col-right-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-right-region&_r=0

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/21/us/roger-stone-donald-trump-russia.html?action=click&contentCollection=Opinion&module=Trending&version=Full&region=Marginalia&pgtype=article

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/20/us/trump-obama-wiretap-comey.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=first-column-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news&_r=0

http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/17/opinions/trump-falsehoods-a-national-embarrassment-ghitis/?iid=ob_article_footer_expansion

http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/22/opinions/spicer-problem-with-truth-robbins/index.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on March 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

NIGHTMARES OF A MAD MAN

Do you know what I discovered this week?  That Number 45 is losing his mind due to insane jealousy of a Black man and has declared all-out war on the former President.  What’s your evidence, you’d ask?  Why, the nuclear twitter war we’ve all found ourselves in, I’d reply.  Not to mention the secret intel I received from an anonymous source this week, I’d say.

Trump Shelter Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

 

Reveal your sources, you’d demand!  HELL TO THE NO, I’d exclaim!  Your pay grade isn’t high enough for me to reveal my deep throat connections.  But I can share with you one thing:  I have a transcript of a certain President’s late night conversation with his hand mirror, which should prove to you that the impostor in the White House has gone stark raving mad.

Check it out!

Trump Paranoia Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

***TOP SECRET/CONFIDENTIAL***

SUBJECT:  Clandestine surveillance of Number 45 (code name: “Little Hands”)

METHOD:  Wiretapping of cell phone, hacking of Twitter account, and bugging of Mar-a-Lago—Florida White House

DATE:  Saturday Morning when son-in-law is observing the Sabbath

TIME:  3:00 a.m.

Below is a transcript of Number 45 in the wee hours of the morning having woken up from what appears to our agents to be an on-going nightmare.   Judging by the camera angles from the gold lamé canopy over the master suite bed, Trump woke up extremely agitated and in a cold sweat as he frantically went in search of his favorite hand mirror and his cell phone.  The following conversation was recorded soon after.

Coo Coo Trump Bill Day Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Bill Day, Cagle Cartoons

 

#45:     Mirror, mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?

MIRROR:  You again?  You ask me this same god-damn question every night since you took office.  And I tell you the same freakin’ thang:

“Donald, Baby, you da’ fairest in the land…”

#45:  REALLY?!  SO TRUE… SO GOOD!  SO BIGLY! THANK YOU HAND MIRROR, SO MUCH!

MIRROR:  And like all the other nights you rush to judgment because you cut me off befo’ I finish speakin’.  Then I have to go and repeat myself:

Trumpee, Darlin’, you da’ fairest in the land as to what’s in reach of yo’ tiny little hands.

BUT, dear Donald, yo’ land is small (Mar-a-Lago, golf courses, Trump Tower, and all).  

Because you, my Donald, are fair; it is true (in a reality star, classless, nouveau riche type of brew),

But Barack Obama is—throughout the entire world—so much fairer than you.

He is so cool, so suave, so intelligent, so sophisticated, so kind, so gracious

Compared to vous!”

#45:  NOOOOOOOOOO!  Say it isn’t true!  Where’s my phone?  Where’s my sweet little blue bird, too?

MIRROR:   WORD!  What I say is true, because unlike you, I cannot lie—so bye!

#45:  Wait, wait hand mirror.  What if I told you my humble abode at Trump Tower had been “wiretaped” by Obama during the campaign?  Wouldn’t that show the world what a nasty, bad guy he is picking on little ol’ me, when I’m just trying to do my job and become the most adored president—ever—throughout the land?

MIRROR:  What if I told you that yo’ sorry-ass can’t spell worth a damn?  You think that Good King Obama wire “T-A-P-P-E-D” your phone lines in Trump Tower, as well as the cell phone in your hand?  When and how?  While you was in the shower?

Obama Wire tapping Wolverton Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

 

#45:  I don’t know how that Kenyan, Muslim, Marxist darkie recorded my conversations with the Russians before the election—I just know that he is not one of the good Blacks who adores me (SHOUT OUT TO MY GIRL, OMAROSA!), so he must have it out for me.  So watch me tweet this to the world to destroy his reputation:

@Donald J. Trump Tweet: “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!” 

Voila!  I bet you people won’t think he’s such a hot shot now.  “Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who is now the fairest in the land?”

MIRROR:  “Trumpee, how many times do I have to repeat this rhyme?

“You are the fairest in your mind, that’s true.

But my main man, Barack Hussein Obama,

 Is a thousand times a better man than you.

You lie, you cheat, you disavow,

Any bad behavior in the past or now.

In truth, my little tiny hand ‘king,’

You’re not worthy to kiss Obama’s ring.”

Trump Magic Show Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

 

#45:  SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP!  No one’s more popular—more loved by the people than me.  I’ll send out another tweet to kill that damn Obama’s popularity—you’ll see:

@Donald J. Trump Tweet: “122 vicious prisoners, released by the Obama Administration from Gitmo, have returned to the battlefield. Just another terrible decision!”

MIRROR:  FALSE, tiny hands!  Most of those prisoners were released by Bush—check your sources, you feeble-minded douche.

#45:  I can break you, you know.  You’re just a mirror.

MIRROR:  No, you can’t—you’re just a bully; of you, I have no fear.  (God, I need to quit this gig and go do mimes—I can’t stop talkin’ in mindless rhymes.)   My point remains the same, that in this game:  Even if you ordered your demon, Bannon, to cut out the heart and liver of Obama, like in the story of Snow White, Barack’s star would still shine bright.  After that brutal act, you’d ask me on a future, nightmarish night, to tell you of your fairest plight, and I’d answer with the same keen insight:

“Oh, Donald, thou art fairest of the 45% you see

 (The people who voted for you—NOT ME),

But outside of the White House and your crazy-ass supporters,

 Barack Obama’s reputation is still alive and well,

And none is as fair as he.”

#45:  WHAT THE F—!  Must send rash of new tweets showing my hatred and jealousy of previous ruler—Barack HUSSEIN Obama—and other shit, before he goes into history books as a better leader than me.  (God, I hate that N—)

MIRROR:  Watch yo’ mouth, old man, if you wish to live to see another day with yo’ tiny little hands!

#45:  Sigh!  (I hate that Kenyan ever since I couldn’t prove he wasn’t an American, and he made a fool of me at the Correspondents’ Dinner.)  I’LL GET YOU, BARRY, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, BO, TOO!  Cannot sleep until I bring that Mofo down.  (Love that word, Mofo.  Learned it from Arsenio Hall when he was on Celebrity Apprentice—best show ever!)

@Donald J. Trump TWEET:  SAD! Just learned Waldo in “Where’s Waldo” books harder to find.  He got smaller.  Obama did it. SNEAKY NEGRO!

@Donald J. Trump TWEET:  Said I didn’t have meeting with any Russians during campaign. Google has proof I did.  Boo Google—failing company. HATERS!

 @Donald J. Trump TWEET:  UNPRESIDENTIAL! Obama won’t return my phone calls.  What bug flew up his ass?  RUDE!

Trump Obama fever Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

*** 

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering that giving up alcohol and carbs for Lent was ill-timed.  I no longer have any coping mechanisms at my disposal during the reign of “Little Hands.”

Trump Fear hate Lies Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

***

MEDITATIVE QUOTES ABOUT TWITTER USE

“On the one hand Twitter gives you the opportunity to engage with people, which is great, but on the other there are people who feel they can say whatever they want, put poison out there, really, without fear of any repercussions.”—Michael Sheen

“What do you think Jesus would twitter, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’ or ‘Has anyone seen Judas? He was here a minute ago.’”—Chris Cornell

“I don’t do Twitter because I don’t want to talk about myself more than I already have to.”—Kit Harington

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: THIRD BOOK OF THE DISCOVERY SERIES DUE OUT IN APRIL 2017.  WATCH THIS SPACE!

***

REFERENCES

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2017/03/07/top-trump-ally-met-with-putin-s-deputy-in-moscow.html

http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/08/politics/donald-trump-barack-obama-wiretapping/index.html

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/05/opinion/when-one-president-smears-another.html?mabReward=A3&recp=1&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&region=CColumn&module=Recommendation&src=rechp&WT.nav=RecEngine

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2017/03/06/here-are-the-photos-that-show-obamas-inauguration-crowd-was-bigger-than-trumps/?hpid=hp_hp-cards_hp-card-fedgov%3Ahomepage%2Fcard

http://www.salon.com/2017/03/07/ben-carsons-infinite-fall-from-grace/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on March 8, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

HELLO SANTA, IT’S ME

Do you know what I discovered this week?  I need to talk to Santa! Reason is I think God has gone AWOL on the world, and maybe Santa can help me find him. I know that Jesus has a birthday coming up, and I’m hoping he’ll show up for all the celebrations in his name. I thought it imperative that I try and reach him to give him the 411 on how wicked we’ve become, and how things are being done in his name that would turn the angels into screaming banshees of despair.

TRANSCRIPT OF PHONE CALL BETWEEN SANTA AND ELEANOR, THE BLOGGER (ET)

(Scene opens on festive lodge in the North Pole in a great room full of people drinking eggnog and singing Christmas carols led by a fat Black man in a red suit with a long white beard. Phone is heard ringing in the background as a little person in a Santa Christmas sweater with elfin ears scurries to answer it.)

 black-santa-sweaters-tipsy-elves-dot-com

Photo credit: tipsyelves.com

ELF:        Santa Claus’ residence—how may I direct your call? If you’ve been naughty, let’s cut to the chase and confess it now, ‘cause ain’t nobody got time for end of year lyin’.

ELT:       Lionel, this is ET. I need to speak to Santa, please. It’s a matter of some urgency.

ELF:        No can do, girlfriend. He’s leadin’ the Christmas carols, and you know how much he looks forward to kicking off the season with a karaoke song fest of carols. Listen …

God rest ye merry, gentlemen

Let nothing you dismay

Remember, Christ, our Saviour

Was born on Christmas day

To save us all from Satan’s power

When we were gone astray

O tidings of comfort and joy,

Comfort and joy

O tidings of comfort and joy

ET:         Well, “to save us all from Satan’s power when we were gone astray” is exactly why I’m calling, not to mention that I am horribly dismayed. I need to know if Santa knows where Jesus is, because he seems to have gone AWOL. I couldn’t find him in the terrorist attack in Brussels, and I looked for him in the midst of the kidnapping, butchering, and rapes of the young girls in Nigeria by the Boko Haram. When I didn’t see him there I searched for him in the massacre at the Pulse Nightclub, and most recently I’ve been trying to locate his presence in the election of Trump who I hope and pray is on Santa’s naughty list.

 santa-hacked-fb-bob-englehart-caglecartoons-com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

ELF:        You know that information is classified, ET. I can only talk to you about your sorry-ass behavior. As to the whereabouts of Jesus, unlike Santa, he’s what they call “omnipresent,” so you should be able to locate him wherever humans hang. Oh man, Santa’s singing one of his favorites—this is his jam. Girl, between you and me, give Santa a couple glasses of schnapps and a karaoke machine and that man loses his mind. Listen …

Up on the housetop reindeer pause,

Out jumps Good Old Santa Claus

Down through the chimney with lots of toys

All for the little ones Christmas joys 

Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go? Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go?

Up on the housetop, click, click, click

Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick.

ELT:       This is exactly why I’m calling. Tell Santa I hate this song. It is anathema in Aleppo and the Southside of Chicago. There are no chimneys left for him to slide down with “lots of toys” to foster “Christmas joys” for “all the little girls and boys.” All the little ones in Aleppo are either dead, dying, or on their way to wandering the Earth in a catatonic state in search of shelter and food. All the little ones in Southside are afraid to even go outside. And don’t even get me started on all the other places in the world that are so terrifying that Santa would never be able to land his sleigh without being shot out of the sky or off the rooftops.  Tell Santa that I’m not feelin’ these stupid songs this year, and I am beginning to lose hope, which is why I need to have a little talk with Jesus. Where is he? Why doesn’t he do something?  Lionel, get Santa on the phone, please, before I blow a fuse!

santa-in-turkey-marian-kamensky-slovakia

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kamensky Slovakia, Cagle Cartoons

ELF:        Girl, you not the boss of me. If you want to talk to Santa then you need to pay to play. I tell you what. Fax me a song for Santa to sing—like a special Christmas pick of yours—and if he likes your song, he’ll tell you where Jesus is and how to get your hope back.

ET:         Great. I’ll be faxing you a Christmas song for Santa to sing next. I actually wrote it to sing at the President-elect’s Inauguration, but he declined my offer to perform. (As if anybody else of any quality is going to do his inauguration—please!) The song is actually a rip off from a Dr. Seuss poem and the Albert Hague melody from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” It shouldn’t be too hard for you to find the orchestration to download to the karaoke machine.

ELF:        Okey-dokey, Smokey. But I’m makin’ no promises that he’ll talk to you …

(As quick as you could say, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way …” I heard Santa’s voice begin to sing the song that I wrote to send to the President-elect for Christmas. What Santa thought of it, I will never know because he never came to the phone to tell me where Jesus was hiding out.)

***

CHRISTMAS SONG FOR PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP

You’re a cruel one, Mr. Trump

You really are so bad,

You’re as nasty as a pit bull, Twitter hateful as can be, Mr. Trump,

You’re a pussy grabber with a greasy gigantic-ass rump!

trump-on-naughty-list-rick-mckee-the-augusta-chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

You’re unstable, Mr. Trump,

Your heart’s a callus troll,

Your brain is full of ca-ca, you have vipers in your soul, Mr. Trump,

I wouldn’t go near you with a nine-thousand-foot-ass pole!

trump-and-santa-john-cole-the-scranton-times-tribune

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune

 You’re unqualified, Mr. Trump,

You’re one of Moscow’s mules,

You have all the believability of a con man on the run, Mr. Trump,

Given a choice between you and Putin I think I’d choose the Russian skunk!

vlad-the-elf-milt-priggee-www-miltpriggee-com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com

 You’re a tax cheat, Mr. Trump,

The king of bankrupt casino slots,

Your heart’s an alt-right slushy with duped Evangelicals crushed on top, Mr. Trump,

You’re a thrice-married, serial cheating, braggart meatloaf topped with rancid orange slop.

bad-santa-milt-priggee-www-miltpriggee-com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com

 You’re incorrigible, Mr. Trump,

You’re pushing our country off the rails!

You don’t care about poor people, climate change—Muslims even less, Mr. Trump,

Your cabinet picks are an appalling pile of Ayn Rand minions from the sewers of Hell!

trump-cabinet-steve-sack-the-minneapolis-star-tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

 You’re undignified, Mr. Trump,

You’re classless as a boar,

Your head is unintelligent—your vocab’s 4th grade score, Mr. Trump,

The three words that best describe you in my mind, and I quote:

“Disgusting, Dishonest, DEPLOO-OR –

RA-BLE!”

santa-donald-marian-kamensky-slovakia

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kamensky, Slovakia

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT)

I am discovering that life has always been a crap shoot for humans (remember the plagues, the Crusades, the Dark Ages, the French Revolution, WWI, WWII, and the atom and hydrogen bombs?). There have always been wars and rumors of wars, crooked politicians, crazy kings, and maniacal despots who make their corner of the world a living hell for those who don’t deserve it. None of these horrid leaders have anything to do with the reality and goodness of God, but everything to do with the wretchedness, selfishness, and cruelty of the human heart.

Many of us in America are feeling pretty hopeless at the election of Mr. Trump. We see what we thought was a progressive country turning back by 100 years with the election of this man if something doesn’t stop it from doing so.

I am very afraid.

But this Christmas, I am going to remember why I worship a god born in a manger. I celebrate Christmas because of the hope it gives me. Hope that in the midst of pain and suffering, a child was born to represent the love that is the character of God (pure, accepting, and unvarnished), and to show us humans how to live in that love. I am strong in my faith that my hope will not be derailed and that the love of Christ will prevail. In the meantime, I’m sending President-elect Trump a Christmas present: My promise to make my own future by joining the resistance movement that constantly mocks his “unprecidential unpresidential” choices, antics, and tweets for as long as he is in office. There is nothing a narcissistic personality hates more than to be mocked and ridiculed. Merry Christmas President-elect Trump.

And Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Peace-filled holidays to all who travel here.

born-into-this-world-bob-englehart-politicalcartoons-com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, PoliticalCartoons.com

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT HOPE

“We are feeling what not having hope feels like,” Obama told Winfrey in a recent interview when asked if she felt her husband had kept his campaign promise about ‘hope and change.’ “We feel the difference now,” she said. “Hope is necessary. It’s a necessary concept. And Barack didn’t just talk about hope because he thought it was a nice slogan to get votes. He and I and so many believed that … what else do you have if you don’t have hope? What do you give your kids if you can’t give them hope?”—Michelle Obama/Oprah Winfrey Interview

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”Desmond Tutu

“Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.”Bradley Whitford

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”Martin Luther King, Jr.

“The worst thing that can happen in a democracy – as well as in an individual’s life – is to become cynical about the future and lose hope.”Hillary Clinton

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS? Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on December 19, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

SHE IS RISEN—HILLARY IS ALIVE!

Do you know what I discovered at the beginning of the week?  Hillary Clinton had died!  OH MY GOD! Do you know how I found out?  The Media told me so—from all over the Internet to Britain and back to the U.S.

“IS HILLARY DEAD? Sick Hillary Clinton death rumors sweep the internet as conspiracy theorists claim wannabe president DIED in hospital after 9/11 memorial collapse.”—The Sun/daily tabloid newspaper published in the United Kingdom and Ireland

“Good evening,” said WABC weekend anchor Joe Torres. “We begin with Hillary Clinton’s death…”

 media-on-sick-hillary-fb-pat-bagley-salt-lake-tribune

Cartoons used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

Oy! I fainted right there on the spot after getting the news.  It’s not that I’m in the tank for Hillary, it’s just that I will need to find a new country if Trump becomes President.  Shoot, I just got used to living in America as it is, and now I’m going to have to find another country to park my chubby ass?  But then I remembered that I’m no fool, and the Media on both sides of the aisle have lost their sexist, freakin’ minds when it comes to the potential of Hillary Clinton becoming our first woman President.  I remembered how I need to weigh everything I read, see, and hear with a grain of salt or else I’ll be collecting moving boxes and changing my mailing address for nothing.  And then, PRAISE JESUS! I read that Hillary only has walking pneumonia, which is why she fainted. Why didn’t she just come right out and tell us she had pneumonia when she was first diagnosed instead of waiting and practically giving me a heart attack?

But wait! Then I read that the person who appeared back on the campaign trail today is NOT HILLARY, she is a body-double, according to all the Alt-right media outlets.  Oh no, wait a New York minute:  another Alt-Right website says that Hillary is alive, but she has Parkinson’s disease, suffers from seizures, has AIDS from a now defunct affair with someone still TBD, and elephantiasis in the legs and thighs which is why she always wears pantsuits.

Hum, it seems like Hillary could have nipped this conspiracy shit in the bud, if she’d simply announced from the beginning that she had pneumonia and was going to take a couple days off.  I could have told her that if she kept going, she’d bite the dust because it has happened to me—twice.  She should have just fessed up.  How is she going to handle these little speed bumps when she’s the President?  Nothing disperses the lies of darkness like the light of truth.

hillary-pneumonia-bob-englehart-caglecartoons-com

Cartoons used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

Trump is far, far worse.  I’m still in a state of shock that we, as Americans, can’t see through this con man.  He’s working the long con and at least half of us are swallowing it hook, line, and sinker.  After months of raging against Hillary to come clean about her health from all he’d learned about it on the Alt-Right conspiracy “news” sites, Humpty-Trumpty finally released an overview of his own health on “Dr. Con’s” (oops! I meant Dr. Oz’s) TV reality show by answering questions “Dr. Con” presented without actually doing blood and urine work on the dude.  From what I can ascertain, Trump is addicted to junk food, has cholesterol issues (all that Kentucky Fried Chicken, I suspect), does not exercise (No?! You mean one doesn’t get that Trump fat ass and girdled belly from jogging?), has the “normal ailments of a 70-year-old man” (does that include erectile dysfunction from a tiny dick the size of his fingers?), and he says he needs to lose a “little weight” (says he’s 236 pounds . . . if that chub-a-lub is 236 pounds, I’m a size 4 and look like Kate Hudson).  Yet, “his health is excellent, especially his mental health,” and Trump’s lab results were “astonishingly excellent”—so says his decades-long gastroenterologist, Dr. Harold Bornstein.  (Speaking of being transparent, I thought a gastroenterologist was an intestine, gut, and colonoscopy doctor, not an internist or a general practitioner.  No wonder Humpty-Trumpty had to get a second opinion from “America’s doctor”—the one that Congress racked over the coals for his less than transparent “miracle diet pills,” that don’t work.  I know because I tried them, and my fat ass is still a size 16!

trump-medical-exam-dave-granlund-politicalcartoons-com

Cartoons used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

DOESN’T ANYBODY TELL THE TRUTH ANYMORE?  As I was thinking about this election, how both candidates’ trustworthy numbers are in the toilet, and how Trump is the most opaque, duplicitous candidate that has ever run for President (he still refuses to release his tax returns), I thought if I ran for the Presidency, I wouldn’t tell the American voters anything either.  Why?  Because we don’t seem to care.  Our candidates are not the problem—we are!   Think about it.  We stopped living a self-examined life a long time ago which is why it is so difficult to demand it of our candidates.  First of all, we would all have to agree on the definition of transparency, but I don’t think we do.

What is the definition of transparency according to Merriam-Webster?

Able to be seen through

Easy to notice or understand

Honest and open—not secretive

Then we would have to agree on what defines those less-than desirable—some would say, “deplorable” splotches of darkness that live within us.  I’ve known people (who claimed to be Jesus lovers and walking the talk) who would fly into a rage and threaten to burn me at the stake if I even hinted that they might be a “tiny bit” racist, or xenophobic, or anti-Semitic, and yet, before I could get the words of repentance out of my mouth for misjudging them, they’d slip and tell me how they were off to a business trip to Dubai where the “diaper heads” live, or ask me “why are so many instructions in Spanish these days—why can’t those fucking Mexicans learn to speak English?” or they would let it slip that they absolutely knew that the “Holocaust was a hoax that the Jews concocted to bleed the world of more money, like only Jews can do, and who do those goddamn Jews think they are anyway?”  (Needless to say, I kicked those Christian Neanderthals to the curb once their hatreds became transparent to me.)

non-racist-trump-pat-bagley-salt-lake-tribune

Cartoons used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

So, I think what we need as a country is to get on the same page with our definitions.  Therefore, I set up a few guidelines to help us all foster transparency in ourselves and others by using the Jeff Foxworthy model of “You know you’re a Redneck, if . . .”   For instance, Hillary made a statement before she bit the dust the other day that she caught hell for:

“To just be grossly generalistic, you can put half of Trump supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables.  Right? Racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic, you name it.”

Then all the racists, sexists, homophobics, xenophobics, Islamophobics were so furious that they prayed down all the plagues of the Apocalypse on her for calling them deplorable (no wonder she got pneumonia).  And yet, survey shows:

“While 65 percent of his [Trump’s] supporters think President Obama is a Muslim, only 13 percent think that he’s a Christian. Fifty-nine percent think Obama was not born in the United States, and only 23 percent think he was. Twenty percent nationwide think it was a bad idea that slaves were emancipated, and 16 percent in South Carolina think that whites are a superior race.”Stacey Patton/Washington Post

JUST SAYIN’ . . . if the shoe fits—wear it!

gift-basket-of-deplorables-fb-rj-matson-roll-call

Cartoons used by permission: RJ Matson Roll Call

***

But how can you tell if you’re a “deplorable?”

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DEPLORABLE, IF . . .

You think President Obama is a Manchurian Candidate born in Kenya

You think that most Mexicans are rapists and murderers

You agree with Trump that we should drive all undocumented immigrants out of the country, regardless of any extenuating circumstances

You want to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it

You think that Breitbart.com, the Drudge Report, and Alex Jones are trust-worthy news sources

You think punching an old lady in the face who is carrying an oxygen tank at a Trump rally is cool

You think mocking a Gold-Star mother is fair game

You think that verbally attacking a Black pastor after being a guest in her church is “telling it like it is, or speaking his mind,” after your candidate broke the agreed-upon rules for allowing his visit

You think a Muslim ban is just the cat’s meow

You think burning mosques is scoring points for God and country

You think setting a Muslim woman’s hijab on fire is “doing the right thing” and punching a Muslim mother in the stomach as she’s pushing her kid in a stroller is making America great again

You think mocking a disabled NY Times reporter is great form

You think it was a bad idea that my ancestors were emancipated

You think White people are being persecuted, and you mock Black Lives Matter

You think people are trying to eradicate Christmas trees, Christmas carols, and two months of Christmas shopping from your greedy little hands, and you label it as “Christianity is under attack”

You love that your candidate hired the head of Breitbart (an alt-right site) to run his campaign, in spite of all the hateful, racist, lying rhetoric he’s known for

You throw up in your mouth when you see an interracial couple

You throw up in your mouth when you see a Gay couple

You agree with a recent poll that says 62% of White people think that Black people are lazy and less intelligent

You think it is perfectly acceptable that the KKK and David Duke have wholeheartedly endorsed your candidate because he best trumpets their values

bucket-of-bigots-david-fitzsimmonsthe-arizona-star

Cartoons used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

If you agree with even just one of the above Trump camp attributes, then you might be a deplorable and need a heart transplant.  Just sayin’!

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) REGARDING TRANSPARENCY

I am discovering that all of us need to start being more transparent and demanding that our Presidential candidates do the same.  Let’s start by telling Hillary that no matter how paranoid she is of the right-wing media, if she doesn’t start being forthright with us (on everything), she is not going to get our vote because she keeps creating unnecessary problems.  If she doesn’t, we’ll just stay home and start packing to move to Canada. STOP TAKING US (African-Americans, Latinos, educated suburban women, union workers) FOR GRANTED, HILLARY!

Let’s start by telling Trump to release his tax forms TODAY, answer truthfully to the damning accusations brought to light in the latest Newsweek article [1], and explain the reasons behind his fucking bromance with Vladimir Putin—it’s unbecoming, it’s un-American, and it’s downright creepy.

putin-and-trump-taylor-jones-politicalcartoons-com

Cartoons used by permission: Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons.com

 ***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ON TRANSPARENCY

“Antibiotics can take care of pneumonia. What’s the cure for an unhealthy penchant for privacy that repeatedly creates unnecessary problems?”—David Axelrod, retired Senior Advisor to President Obama

“Things will absolutely go wrong. In a healthy team, as soon as things go wrong, that information should be surfaced. Trying to hide or obscure bad news creates an environment of distrust or lack of transparency.”—Steven Sinofsky

“I think the currency of leadership is transparency. You’ve got to be truthful. I don’t think you should be vulnerable every day, but there are moments where you’ve got to share your soul and conscience with people and show them who you are, and not be afraid of it.”—Howard Schultz

 “I believe transparency in government is key to restoring our nation’s faith in its elected leaders.”—Kirsten Gillibrand

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

REFERENCES

http://www.sltrib.com/opinion/4346539-155/dana-milbank-yes-half-of-trump

http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2016/09/new-studies-prove-hillary-right-trumps-deplorable-followers/

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/15/opinion/trumps-deplorable-deflections.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-left-region&region=opinion-c-col-left-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-left-region

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/even-with-new-details-trump-still-the-least-transparent-candidate-in-modern-times/2016/09/14/caaa0dba-7a92-11e6-ac8e-cf8e0dd91dc7_story.html?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trumptransparency-925pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstor

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/09/15/trump-shares-letter-from-his-doctor-saying-he-takes-cholesterol-lowering-drug-is-overweight/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trump-letter-1030am%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/15/donald-trumps-visit-with-dr-oz-was-just-as-amazing-as-you-though-it-would-be/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trump-letter-1030am%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/69-year-old-woman-punched-in-the-face-by-man-leaving-donald-trump-rally/ar-BBw8Xq6?li=BBnbcA1

http://www.newsweek.com/2016/09/23/donald-trump-foreign-business-deals-national-security-498081.html  [1]

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
7 Comments

Posted by on September 15, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

I’M GONNA GO TO HELL

Do you know what I discovered on my reentry into the world after a wonderful vacation?  Everything has gotten so much worse in American politics during the past two weeks while I was gone!  (How is that even humanly possible?)  Apparently, that orange creature from the dung lagoon hired some Alt-Right Neanderthal as his campaign chief to accelerate the fertilization of the Earth with their atrocious pile of racist excrement which has sped up the growth of Trump’s anti-Christ flowering of White Supremacy, hate, and bigotry in the world.  Wow, people! You were supposed to guard against this type of insurrection while I was gone.

Alt Right All Wrong Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Then I read that Trump thinks my life as an African-American is a total pile of shit as he painted an erroneously misleading picture that most Black folks live in inner cities and our lives summarily suck—across the board.

“Poverty. Rejection. Horrible education. No housing. No homes. No ownership. Crime at levels nobody has seen . . . You can go to war zones in countries that we’re fighting and it’s safer than living in some of our inner cities . . . Look, it is a disaster the way African-Americans are living.  We’ll get rid of the crime. You’ll be able to walk down the street without getting shot.”—Donald J. Trump

Well, thank you Oh “Great White Hope” for that hyperbolic and extreme assessment of my peeps and me!  No nuance on your part—no indication that you’ve ever spent any time in a predominantly Black community.  Good to know that we no longer need Jesus because you’ll save our sorry-asses from the dystopian hell of our own making.  Donald Trump—the relentless face of racist Birtherism against our outstanding first Black President went on to ask me—an African-American— “What do you have to lose?” by voting for him.  My response (should only be used when one’s laughter is so uncontrollable, it makes one pee one’s pants):

LMAOROTFBTCSTCNDBFOOTWIFOAGWLLBGWTHROOTSAIAKBAYB”

(TRANSLATION: “Laughing My Ass Off Rolling On The Floor, Biting The Carpet, Scaring The Cat, Nearly Dying By Falling Out Of The Window In Front Of A Guy Who Looks Like Bill Gates, Who Then Horrified, Runs Out On The Street And Is Accidentally Killed By A Yellow Bulldozer”.

Losing John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times Tribune

Oy!  It made me want to go back on vacation with my family and lose myself in wondrous bliss.  While I was away, I tuned out all the news for the entire holiday and spent all of my vacation relishing in the wonderful life God had blessed me with while my grandson and I performed an old woman/seven-year-old dance routine to Meghan Trainor’s “Me Too.”

“I thank God every day

I woke up feelin’ this way

And I can’t help lovin’ myself . . .

If I was you, I’d wanna be me too . . .”

Mema and Grandson Dancing

Mema and Grandson Dancing/Photo Credit: K. Tomczyk

I should have stayed on vacation with my grandson who is sweet, loving, kind, generous, thoughtful, caring, and wise beyond his years who taught me how to do the Nae-Nae and Snap Chat this year.  But I didn’t and each day away from all that beautiful Christ-like innocence has made me want to stand up and holler—especially after I read recently that even after all the horrid, racist, crude, misogynist, vile things that have been revealed about Donald Trump, his Evangelical Christian support is still strong AND GROWING! Even a child can see that The Donald is an asshole—why can’t so-called Christian leaders?  (Some of these “Christian” Trump supporters have declared that their fellow Christians (moi) will burn in Hell if we don’t vote for Trump.)  In a dream I had last night, I sent my grandson a Snap-Chat voice message and asked him why was he so much more mature than grown-ups who claim to be leaders in the Church?  He replied:   “They must not have gone to school.  Everything I know, I learned in kindergarten.”

When I awoke, I decided to write a kindergarten report card for Donald Trump to those Christian leaders in the hopes that they would take stock of Trump’s character before it is too late, and withdraw their support since it seems he has been unhinged since Jump Street and nothing like Jesus, whom they claim to love and worship.

tRUMP AND Evangelicals Wolverton Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

***

TO THE PARENTS OF LITTLE DONNIE TRUMP

MATURITY PROGRESS REPORT

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Christian Evangelical:         DONALD TRUMP’S FINAL GRADE:   _F__

As you know, it has come to the end of the year, and I am afraid the kindergarten school of life will not be able to transition Little Donnie to the grown-up world of grade school.  He is failing miserably on all accounts—so much so, we teachers are hard-pressed to figure out how to turn him into a decent human being.  He shows signs of an entrenched narcissistic personality disorder, a lack of a moral center, a detachment from reality and the pain and suffering of anyone but himself, and a total disregard for the feelings of others.  In short, Little Donnie Trump lacks the social skills needed to progress to the next level.

Although Little Donnie is flunking kindergarten civic values across the board, I felt it best only to list the most pertinent ones so as not to overwhelm you.  Although we think it is probably too late, we ask that you review this limited feedback and set up a meeting with his teachers in order to discuss the further humanization of Donald John Trump so that he might someday progress to the first grade.

DOES NOT GET ALONG WITH OTHERS

  • Little Donnie shows signs of being a rabid misogynist. He was over-heard in the hallway hurling insults at some of the kindergarten girls as “fat pigs, dogs, slobs, bimbos, disgusting animals, crude, rude, obnoxious and dumb,” “with blood flowing out of their whatever. . .”
  • Little Donnie is mean and cantankerous.  He made Little Mika Emilie Leonia Brzezinski cry the other day when he accused her of being “off the wall, a neurotic and not very bright mess!” (He really seems to have a problem with female confrontation.)

Trump Analysis David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

UNABLE TO RECOGNIZE TRUTH FROM FICTION

  • Little Donnie refuses to adhere to truth. His teachers discovered last year that he had made himself the face of a racist birther movement against the first Black class president of our school. His teachers know that Little Donnie knows where President Obama was born because we did an entire school project on Hawaii two years in a row and featured all the children who had been born there: Donnie Ho, Barack Obama, and Bette Midler who Little Donnie promptly called “grotesque” before he stormed out of the classroom.
  • Little Donnie thinks the Muslim, Black, and Latino kids in his class adore him. They don’t—they abhor him, except for the mentally challenged Little Omarosa and Little Ben Carson.

UNABLE TO TREAT OTHERS WITH RESPECT

  • Little Donnie is a bigot and a bully
  • Little Donnie is scary and out of touch with humanity. He once said to his entire class that he could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and he wouldn’t lose any class support.

Trump and African Americans FB John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune. Missouri

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) ON CHRISTIANS FOR TRUMP

I am discovering that I am absolutely flabbergasted and mortified at the Evangelical Christian support of Donald J. Trump for president.  These dudes and dudettes have truly sold their souls to the Devil, and they have the audacity to tell me I’m gonna go to Hell if I don’t vote for Trump because it is Jesus’ will that The Donald becomes our next president.  I call bullshit on that false doctrine!  After Trump’s blanket, condescending statement to African-Americans this week trying to get more than 1% of us to vote for him, I have an answer for Little Donnie:  “Everything—Black folks have everything to lose if we vote for you!”  We’ll lose 100 plus years of ongoing progress in education, housing, and jobs, not to mention the legacy given to my grandson by President Barack Obama that currently inspires and promotes his ability and possibility (and all Black children) to become president of the United States someday. 

Little Donnie, you know not what you speak or to whom you speak.  Some of us Black folks may need a helping hand now and then, but we are not a stupid people.  African-Americans know you are condescending to us to get the White suburban vote by attempting to make them think you’re not a racist. (Most White people aren’t stupid, either.  They know you grossly exaggerated the stats regarding poverty, education, and lack of jobs in our inner cities.)  Go back to Trump Tower, Little Donnie.   I, on the other hand, will go back to my very nice life as an African-American, and my decision to vote for anybody else but youcome November.

TRUMP GODZILLA Luojie China Daily China

Cartoon used by permission: Luojie China, Daily China

***

THOUGHT-PROVOKING QUOTES EXPLAINING WHY JESUS IS PROBABLY WEEPING RIGHT ABOUT NOW AT THE STUPIDITY IN SOME CHRISTIAN CIRCLES

“I realize that most of Trump’s ardent fans do not take kindly to being lectured by the likes of me. But it is with a certain degree of genuine sympathy that I say what has to be said: Your candidate is a flake. A fraud. A bag of air. A con man. A joke.” [emphasis, mine]—Eugene Robinson/The Washington Post

“He is egotistical, bombastic, and brash. He often lacks nuance in his statements. Sometimes he blurts out mistaken ideas (such as bombing the families of terrorists) that he later must abandon. He insults people. He can be vindictive when people attack him. He has been slow to disown and rebuke the wrongful words and actions of some angry fringe supporters. He has been married three times and claims to have been unfaithful in his marriages. These are certainly flaws, but I don’t think they are disqualifying flaws in this election.”Wayne A. Grudem/prominent evangelical theologian, seminary professor, and author

“Mr. Trump’s Twitter presence is tightly interwoven with hordes of mostly anonymous accounts trafficking in racist and anti-Semitic attacks. When Little Bird, a social media data mining company, analyzed a week of Mr. Trump’s Twitter activity, it found that almost 30 percent of the accounts Mr. Trump retweeted in turn followed one or more of 50 popular self-identified white nationalist accounts. At times, a circular current seems to flow between white nationalists and Mr. Trump on Twitter.”—Nicholas Confessore/NYTimes

Trump being himself Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/new-trump-campaign-chief-faces-scrutiny-over-voter-registration-past-charges/2016/08/26/bf5bc3b2-6b98-11e6-ba32-5a4bf5aad4fa_story.html?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_bannon-905pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/eidos/2016/07/a-good-man-justifies-a-wicked-deed-grudem-on-trump/?ref_widget=popular&ref_blog=jacoblupfer&ref_post=are-religious-right-leaders-dobson-falwell-and-reed-cheap-dates-or-worse

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/25/us/politics/donald-trump-black-voters.html?_r=0

http://www.salon.com/2016/08/26/donald-trump-has-no-love-for-black-people-his-outreach-and-pivot-are-really-aimed-at-winning-over-nervous-white-voters/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/star-of-the-show/2016/08/25/a539743e-6afd-11e6-8225-fbb8a6fc65bc_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-c%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.5afef9b6352e

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2016/june-web-only/whos-who-of-trumps-tremendous-faith-advisors.html?start=1

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on August 27, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

HOUSE OF HORRORS

Well, do you know what I discovered this week after getting first-hand reports back from the Republican Convention in Cleveland?   I have been driven to drink, and I’m throwing all caution to the wind because the world is coming to an end.  (Why the hell should I watch what I eat when Armageddon is at hand?)  Even now as I write this blog, I am downing copious glasses of Merlot, a giant bowl of popcorn, and just as soon as the Hubbie comes home, I’m going to order the biggest gluten-free pizza I can find BECAUSE WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Trump Fears FB Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

At least that’s what Donald Trump said last night in his 75 minute speech at the GOP Convention in about 100 different ways.  Despite statistics that show otherwise (why care about the truth—who needs facts when an egomaniacal, despot wants you to think that the world is coming to an end?), we’re descending into lawlessness and disorder, a race war is going to start tomorrow from coast to coast by Black people who have forgotten their place and don’t like being shot by cops just for the hell of it.  (The GOP thinks that this is the sole fault of President Obama (thanks a-hole, Giuliani).  Our kids are going to be starving in the streets by morning, Mexican rapists will attack our daughters, ISIS is going to invade (simultaneously) from every corner of the United States, immigrants are going to take over all our jobs from snake handlers to corporate CEOs, and the aliens from outer space, who will be invading any day now, are the sole fault of that Jezebel, Hillary Clinton, who is responsible for “death, destruction, terrorism and weakness” in America and should be “locked up”  and the key thrown away.

But The Donald is going to save us all!  Trump and only Trump, can save us from this apocalypse.  How do I know?  He told us so at the Republican Convention. He kept saying, “I am your voice—I love you—we will never, ever make bad deals—believe me—nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it!”

GOP Bouncy Castle Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

I was flabbergasted and highly agitated when I watched the GOP Convention!  How did America 2016 descend into Germany 1933? And then there was the speech debacle of Melania Trump ripping off Michelle Obama’s convention speech of 2008.  Isn’t she the wife of the man that Der Fuhrer Trump despises?  I was really confused and truly afraid.  What the hell was going on?  Was it really as bad as it seemed?  Last night I contacted my alter-ego, The Dalai Mama, who attended the convention because she is a glutton for punishment and asked her to try and get an interview with Melania.  I had heard a rumor that they used to be friends when The Dalai Mama lived in Slovenia.  Maybe Melania via The Dalai Mama could assuage my fears—maybe Donald Trump wasn’t as bad as he seemed during his acceptance speech.  (Besides, I really wanted to know if Melania plagiarized her speech and made the lowly speech writer take the fall.)  So I sent The Dalai Mama a note requesting she interview Melania, and I heard back from my alter ego this morning, which was rather convenient since my blog was due today.

******

ME:  Hey, Dalai.  How’s everything?  I’ve been watching the convention.  Was it as bad as it looked?

DALAI MAMA:   Girl, this convention was one giant cluster-fuck.  From Melania’s plagiarized speech to the people yelling “lock her up” about Hill, to Ted Cruz givin’ The Donald the finger, to Trump’s 75-minute speech of demon terror.  As a sane, rational, Black woman, I don’t know whether to move to Africa or go into hidin’ in the Caribbean.  Right now, I’m just prayin’ that Jesus will come back and rapture us all except for The Donald and all the people who plan to vote for him.  (Are you listenin’ to me, Jesus?)

ME:  That bad, huh?  Hey, I know that you and Melania used to be friends way back in the day.  Did she tell you if she slipped that plagiarism into her speech?  She did say she wrote it all by herself in the beginning.  Did she give you some insight into The Donald’s mentality?  Maybe her husband isn’t as awful as he seems.  You know how TV adds ten pounds on you, maybe it adds fifty pounds of bigotry and stupidity onto a person as well.   I need some type of reassurance here because this mini-me Fuhrer just may end up being President of the United States if we’re not careful—especially if he successfully scares the shit out of everybody, and they vote for him because they believe he is the only one who can bring back law and order.

DALAI MAMA:   Yeah, I spoke wit’ her, but I don’t think our conver will help you much—she sounded a little “turnt,” if you know what I mean.  She seemed to be a little “off”—like she wasn’t herself.   But you can hear for yo’self.  I taped the entire conversation.  In the meantime, I wonder if they have gluten-free pizza in Botswana.

Melania rip off Wolverton Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission:  Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

******

DALAI MAMA’S PHONE INTERVIEW WITH MELANIA TRUMP

OPERATOR:   Hello, this is the Trump Tower receptionist.  How may I help you?

DALAI MAMA:   This is The Dalai Mama calling to speak to Melania on behalf of Eleanor T, the Blogger.  She’s expectin’ me.

OPERATOR:   One moment, please . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Hello, Melania Baby?

MELANIA:    Hello, is it me you’re looking for?  ‘Cause I wonder who you are . . .  and I . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Yo, Melania, it’s me, The Dalai Mama.  Long time no talk, huh?

MELANIA:   My cherie amour, lovely as a summer day . . . distant as the milky way . . . pretty little one that I adore . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Aw, that’s so sweet, Girlfriend.  How’s it goin’?  Listen, I heard ‘bout the plagiarism thing.   I felt real bad fo’ you.  I told everybody I knew that there is no way that girl did this fucked-up deed, ‘cause she loves her some Black people, and she would never, ever steal their shit, ‘cause her word is her bond.

MELANIA:  Dalai Mama, it’s been awful. How could people think I stole parts of Michelle Obama’s speech? I mean I admire her so much (don’t tell The Donald)—he would not be pleased. I would never plagiarize her work. It’s been awful. I’ve been crying (ooh, ooh), ‘Cause I’m lonely (for a friend to tell the truth to), Smiles have all turned (to tears), but tears won’t wash away (the fears) . . . that everyone is laughing at me.

Melania Trump John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

DALAI MAMA:   Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . have you been drowning your sorrows in Motown?  Did you just quote Lionel Ritchie, Stevie Wonder, AND The Supremes to me?

MELANIA:   No, dez are heartfelt Slovenian thoughts.  Things said to me by me “mati in oče.”  They always told me, “don’t stop ‘til you get enough” . . .  hope, dat is.

DALAI MAMA:   Are you trying to tell me that your “mati in oče”—your mother and father—are Michael Jackson and Diana Ross? Ha!  Girl, you in worse shape than I thought.  Maybe, I should come by and check on you in person.  You don’t sound like you’re doin’ okay.

If this is any consolation to you, you looked fantastic the first night of the convention!  That dress was on “fleck,” girl.  That was a Roksanda “Margot” dress, right? Girlfriend, do you know that thing sold out within one hour after yo’ plagiarized speech!  I hope you owned stock in that designer.  At $3,000 a pop, that ain’t no chump change. Anyway, I’ve missed you, Girl.  Remember our time hangin’ out at the Karaoke clubs in Slovenia befo’ you hooked up with The Donald?

MELANIA:  Uh, huh.  Do You Remember, how we used to talk (ya know), we’d stay on the phone at night till dawn . . . hee, hee . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Oh, hell to the no . . . you are definitely channeling Michael Jackson right now.  Oh, wait a minute!  I think I see the problem here.  Some wires must of gotten crossed in that fembot head of yours after you married The Donald.  You know I love you, Baby, but that model head of yours has always had a few screws loose—no offense.  You may be able to speak several languages but your common sense was always three sheets to the wind.  After all, you did marry The Donaldjust sayin’

MELANIA:  Here’s a little song I wrote, You might want to sing it note for note, Don’t worry, be happy . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Chil’ you gots to stop this.  I don’t think Bobby McFerrin is gonna like you stealing his shit any more than Michelle Obama did.  Let’s concentrate here.  Your husband said last night (and I quote):

“I have a message to every last person threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police: When I take the oath of office next year, I will restore law and order to our country. Believe me. Believe me.”

DALAI MAMA:   The entire convention hall cheered (even the 2-3 Uncle Tom Black people that was set-dressing put in place by yo’ husband), but it gave me chills. I swear I hear at least three different racist dog whistles in that paragraph. If you Black and you protest the Po-Po that will be considered “threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police,” therefore, you can kiss your sorry-ass good-bye. Melania, is that what yo’ husband meant?

Melania Famous quotes Steve SackThe Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

DALAI MAMA:   Melania, I need you to concentrate, Chil’!  What about the press conference today when your husband said:

“And when they talk about unity, I want to tell you, that was unity. That was unity. Right? I saw you last night. That was unity. That was amazing.”

DALAI MAMA:  What unity?  Girl that was the whitest political convention I have ever seen in my life.  The only thing whiter than that convention is a KKK rally.  Am I right?  And what about that slogan he kept sayin’ over and over again ‘bout “Putting America First.”  CNN says that that slogan was used during WW2, and it meant “the name of the isolationist, defeatist, anti-Semitic national organization that urged the United States to appease Adolf Hitler.”  What do you think ‘bout that, Chica?

What ‘bout when The Donald bragged ‘bout how the Evangelicals loved him and are in full support of him?  I’m an Evangelical, and I know scores of Evangelicals, and we all think yo’ man is the Anti-Christ!!!  I’m not the only Christian that thinks that.  Only a select amount of American Christians have lost their minds . . . talkin’ crap about how they loves The Donald and will vote to make him President because his chil’ren are so poised, courteous, articulate, and professional, so he can’t be that bad.  WTF?!  He didn’t raise those chil’ren—they mamas raised them.  You know the two wives befo’ you?  Maybe we ought to elect Ivanka and Marla as President and Vice President.  What do you think about that idea, my Slovenia Fembot?

MELANIA:    STOP! In the name of love, Dalai Mama, before you break my heart . . . think it ov-o-ver!

DALAI MAMA: Oh for the love of God (and the Supremes). . . I am so out of here! You have lost yo’ ever-lovin’ mind.

Trump Kids Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

******

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA MOMENT)

I am discovering that the nomination of Donald Trump has indeed instilled great fear in me, but not about the state of our nation which I think is better than it has ever been (does anybody remember the Jim Crow era—Black people lynched on every third tree in the South just “because”, the riots in the mid to late 60s in most of our inner cities, or the gas shortage lines in the 70s?).  After watching the Republican Convention and rereading Trump’s speech of hatred, lies, lies, lies, and demagoguery that he used to gin up fear, I am very afraid that if we are not careful, he just might win. So listen to me America, if you’ve got any rational, spiritual, or humanitarian bones in your body, then get to the polls (drag your grown children, relatives, neighbors, and friends) and vote for Hillary.  I get it that Hillary is a flawed candidate—I’m certainly not in the tank for her and will hold my nose when I vote—but at least she is a human being, the most experienced person to ever run for the presidency, and no matter what Trump and the GOP try to say about her, we won’t be marching in goosestep, with right arm raised screaming, “Heil Trump” while I try to keep me and my peeps out of the camps.  (I told you this a-hole scares me to death!)

P.S.  Save your hate emails and comments about voting for the Libertarian candidates or writing someone’s name on the ballot.  This is not a rehearsal, people! Every vote cast for anyone but Hillary is a vote for Trump.  Remember Ralph Nader?  If not, look him up and see how many elections got skewered by voting for him, and I really liked the dude, but he had no electoral power—he just sucked off the vote for the candidate who should have won.

P.P.S.  I just finished an entire gluten-free pizza, three glasses of wine, and my blood sugar is off the Richter scale.  At the rate I’m going, just the thought of Trump as President may kill me before November. Vote Hillary in November just to save my health.  Oy vez mir!

Convention Mess David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission:  David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES TO FIGHT FEAR

“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”—Thich Nhat Hanh

 “This is all you have. This is not a dry run.  This is your life.  If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.”—Laura Schlessinger (DISCLAIMER:  I absolutely abhor the author of this quote—she is a racist and a didactic bitch, but sometimes even snakes can serve a purpose if the truth of their bite gets rid of the rats in the garden.)

“So then learn to conquer your fear. This is the only art we have to master nowadays: to look at things without fear, and to fearlessly do right.”—Friedrich Durrenmatt

“Hate is the consequence of fear; we fear something before we hate it; a child who fears noises becomes a man who hates noise.”—Cyril Connolly

 “This world of ours… must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be, instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.”—Dwight D. Eisenhower

ALL QUOTES ARE COURTESY OF http://www.brainyquotes.com

Hillary Rising Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler ,The Columbus Dispatch

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

REFERENCES

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/07/21/bill-maher-on-ted-cruz-s-trump-diss-there-s-nothing-lower-than-that.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/07/22/fact-checking-donald-trumps-acceptance-speech-at-the-2016-rnc/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trumpweb-blurb-desktop-only%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/21/us/politics/rnc-convention-delegates.html?smid=tw-share

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/21/opinion/the-gops-surreal-diversity-show.html?hpw&rref=opinion&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=well-region&region=bottom-well&WT.nav=bottom-well

http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2016/07/19/your_word_is_your_bond_history_and_origins_from_matthew_to_hip_hop.html 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/07/21/ted-cruz-was-out-for-revenge-on-wednesday-he-just-admitted-it/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_daily202-1115a-top%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/07/22/we-just-watched-the-republican-party-kill-itself.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

 
10 Comments

Posted by on July 22, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,