Well, do you know what I discovered this week after getting first-hand reports back from the Republican Convention in Cleveland? I have been driven to drink, and I’m throwing all caution to the wind because the world is coming to an end. (Why the hell should I watch what I eat when Armageddon is at hand?) Even now as I write this blog, I am downing copious glasses of Merlot, a giant bowl of popcorn, and just as soon as the Hubbie comes home, I’m going to order the biggest gluten-free pizza I can find BECAUSE WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune
At least that’s what Donald Trump said last night in his 75 minute speech at the GOP Convention in about 100 different ways. Despite statistics that show otherwise (why care about the truth—who needs facts when an egomaniacal, despot wants you to think that the world is coming to an end?), we’re descending into lawlessness and disorder, a race war is going to start tomorrow from coast to coast by Black people who have forgotten their place and don’t like being shot by cops just for the hell of it. (The GOP thinks that this is the sole fault of President Obama (thanks a-hole, Giuliani). Our kids are going to be starving in the streets by morning, Mexican rapists will attack our daughters, ISIS is going to invade (simultaneously) from every corner of the United States, immigrants are going to take over all our jobs from snake handlers to corporate CEOs, and the aliens from outer space, who will be invading any day now, are the sole fault of that Jezebel, Hillary Clinton, who is responsible for “death, destruction, terrorism and weakness” in America and should be “locked up” and the key thrown away.
But The Donald is going to save us all! Trump and only Trump, can save us from this apocalypse. How do I know? He told us so at the Republican Convention. He kept saying, “I am your voice—I love you—we will never, ever make bad deals—believe me—nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it!”
Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune
I was flabbergasted and highly agitated when I watched the GOP Convention! How did America 2016 descend into Germany 1933? And then there was the speech debacle of Melania Trump ripping off Michelle Obama’s convention speech of 2008. Isn’t she the wife of the man that Der Fuhrer Trump despises? I was really confused and truly afraid. What the hell was going on? Was it really as bad as it seemed? Last night I contacted my alter-ego, The Dalai Mama, who attended the convention because she is a glutton for punishment and asked her to try and get an interview with Melania. I had heard a rumor that they used to be friends when The Dalai Mama lived in Slovenia. Maybe Melania via The Dalai Mama could assuage my fears—maybe Donald Trump wasn’t as bad as he seemed during his acceptance speech. (Besides, I really wanted to know if Melania plagiarized her speech and made the lowly speech writer take the fall.) So I sent The Dalai Mama a note requesting she interview Melania, and I heard back from my alter ego this morning, which was rather convenient since my blog was due today.
ME: Hey, Dalai. How’s everything? I’ve been watching the convention. Was it as bad as it looked?
DALAI MAMA: Girl, this convention was one giant cluster-fuck. From Melania’s plagiarized speech to the people yelling “lock her up” about Hill, to Ted Cruz givin’ The Donald the finger, to Trump’s 75-minute speech of demon terror. As a sane, rational, Black woman, I don’t know whether to move to Africa or go into hidin’ in the Caribbean. Right now, I’m just prayin’ that Jesus will come back and rapture us all except for The Donald and all the people who plan to vote for him. (Are you listenin’ to me, Jesus?)
ME: That bad, huh? Hey, I know that you and Melania used to be friends way back in the day. Did she tell you if she slipped that plagiarism into her speech? She did say she wrote it all by herself in the beginning. Did she give you some insight into The Donald’s mentality? Maybe her husband isn’t as awful as he seems. You know how TV adds ten pounds on you, maybe it adds fifty pounds of bigotry and stupidity onto a person as well. I need some type of reassurance here because this mini-me Fuhrer just may end up being President of the United States if we’re not careful—especially if he successfully scares the shit out of everybody, and they vote for him because they believe he is the only one who can bring back law and order.
DALAI MAMA: Yeah, I spoke wit’ her, but I don’t think our conver will help you much—she sounded a little “turnt,” if you know what I mean. She seemed to be a little “off”—like she wasn’t herself. But you can hear for yo’self. I taped the entire conversation. In the meantime, I wonder if they have gluten-free pizza in Botswana.
Cartoon used by permission: Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons
DALAI MAMA’S PHONE INTERVIEW WITH MELANIA TRUMP
OPERATOR: Hello, this is the Trump Tower receptionist. How may I help you?
DALAI MAMA: This is The Dalai Mama calling to speak to Melania on behalf of Eleanor T, the Blogger. She’s expectin’ me.
OPERATOR: One moment, please . . .
DALAI MAMA: Hello, Melania Baby?
MELANIA: Hello, is it me you’re looking for? ‘Cause I wonder who you are . . . and I . . .
DALAI MAMA: Yo, Melania, it’s me, The Dalai Mama. Long time no talk, huh?
MELANIA: My cherie amour, lovely as a summer day . . . distant as the milky way . . . pretty little one that I adore . . .
DALAI MAMA: Aw, that’s so sweet, Girlfriend. How’s it goin’? Listen, I heard ‘bout the plagiarism thing. I felt real bad fo’ you. I told everybody I knew that there is no way that girl did this fucked-up deed, ‘cause she loves her some Black people, and she would never, ever steal their shit, ‘cause her word is her bond.
MELANIA: Dalai Mama, it’s been awful. How could people think I stole parts of Michelle Obama’s speech? I mean I admire her so much (don’t tell The Donald)—he would not be pleased. I would never plagiarize her work. It’s been awful. I’ve been crying (ooh, ooh), ‘Cause I’m lonely (for a friend to tell the truth to), Smiles have all turned (to tears), but tears won’t wash away (the fears) . . . that everyone is laughing at me.
Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri
DALAI MAMA: Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . have you been drowning your sorrows in Motown? Did you just quote Lionel Ritchie, Stevie Wonder, AND The Supremes to me?
MELANIA: No, dez are heartfelt Slovenian thoughts. Things said to me by me “mati in oče.” They always told me, “don’t stop ‘til you get enough” . . . hope, dat is.
DALAI MAMA: Are you trying to tell me that your “mati in oče”—your mother and father—are Michael Jackson and Diana Ross? Ha! Girl, you in worse shape than I thought. Maybe, I should come by and check on you in person. You don’t sound like you’re doin’ okay.
If this is any consolation to you, you looked fantastic the first night of the convention! That dress was on “fleck,” girl. That was a Roksanda “Margot” dress, right? Girlfriend, do you know that thing sold out within one hour after yo’ plagiarized speech! I hope you owned stock in that designer. At $3,000 a pop, that ain’t no chump change. Anyway, I’ve missed you, Girl. Remember our time hangin’ out at the Karaoke clubs in Slovenia befo’ you hooked up with The Donald?
MELANIA: Uh, huh. Do You Remember, how we used to talk (ya know), we’d stay on the phone at night till dawn . . . hee, hee . . .
DALAI MAMA: Oh, hell to the no . . . you are definitely channeling Michael Jackson right now. Oh, wait a minute! I think I see the problem here. Some wires must of gotten crossed in that fembot head of yours after you married The Donald. You know I love you, Baby, but that model head of yours has always had a few screws loose—no offense. You may be able to speak several languages but your common sense was always three sheets to the wind. After all, you did marry The Donald—just sayin’.
MELANIA: Here’s a little song I wrote, You might want to sing it note for note, Don’t worry, be happy . . .
DALAI MAMA: Chil’ you gots to stop this. I don’t think Bobby McFerrin is gonna like you stealing his shit any more than Michelle Obama did. Let’s concentrate here. Your husband said last night (and I quote):
“I have a message to every last person threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police: When I take the oath of office next year, I will restore law and order to our country. Believe me. Believe me.”
DALAI MAMA: The entire convention hall cheered (even the 2-3 Uncle Tom Black people that was set-dressing put in place by yo’ husband), but it gave me chills. I swear I hear at least three different racist dog whistles in that paragraph. If you Black and you protest the Po-Po that will be considered “threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police,” therefore, you can kiss your sorry-ass good-bye. Melania, is that what yo’ husband meant?
Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune
DALAI MAMA: Melania, I need you to concentrate, Chil’! What about the press conference today when your husband said:
“And when they talk about unity, I want to tell you, that was unity. That was unity. Right? I saw you last night. That was unity. That was amazing.”
DALAI MAMA: What unity? Girl that was the whitest political convention I have ever seen in my life. The only thing whiter than that convention is a KKK rally. Am I right? And what about that slogan he kept sayin’ over and over again ‘bout “Putting America First.” CNN says that that slogan was used during WW2, and it meant “the name of the isolationist, defeatist, anti-Semitic national organization that urged the United States to appease Adolf Hitler.” What do you think ‘bout that, Chica?
What ‘bout when The Donald bragged ‘bout how the Evangelicals loved him and are in full support of him? I’m an Evangelical, and I know scores of Evangelicals, and we all think yo’ man is the Anti-Christ!!! I’m not the only Christian that thinks that. Only a select amount of American Christians have lost their minds . . . talkin’ crap about how they loves The Donald and will vote to make him President because his chil’ren are so poised, courteous, articulate, and professional, so he can’t be that bad. WTF?! He didn’t raise those chil’ren—they mamas raised them. You know the two wives befo’ you? Maybe we ought to elect Ivanka and Marla as President and Vice President. What do you think about that idea, my Slovenia Fembot?
MELANIA: STOP! In the name of love, Dalai Mama, before you break my heart . . . think it ov-o-ver!
DALAI MAMA: Oh for the love of God (and the Supremes). . . I am so out of here! You have lost yo’ ever-lovin’ mind.
Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle
ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA MOMENT)
I am discovering that the nomination of Donald Trump has indeed instilled great fear in me, but not about the state of our nation which I think is better than it has ever been (does anybody remember the Jim Crow era—Black people lynched on every third tree in the South just “because”, the riots in the mid to late 60s in most of our inner cities, or the gas shortage lines in the 70s?). After watching the Republican Convention and rereading Trump’s speech of hatred, lies, lies, lies, and demagoguery that he used to gin up fear, I am very afraid that if we are not careful, he just might win. So listen to me America, if you’ve got any rational, spiritual, or humanitarian bones in your body, then get to the polls (drag your grown children, relatives, neighbors, and friends) and vote for Hillary. I get it that Hillary is a flawed candidate—I’m certainly not in the tank for her and will hold my nose when I vote—but at least she is a human being, the most experienced person to ever run for the presidency, and no matter what Trump and the GOP try to say about her, we won’t be marching in goosestep, with right arm raised screaming, “Heil Trump” while I try to keep me and my peeps out of the camps. (I told you this a-hole scares me to death!)
P.S. Save your hate emails and comments about voting for the Libertarian candidates or writing someone’s name on the ballot. This is not a rehearsal, people! Every vote cast for anyone but Hillary is a vote for Trump. Remember Ralph Nader? If not, look him up and see how many elections got skewered by voting for him, and I really liked the dude, but he had no electoral power—he just sucked off the vote for the candidate who should have won.
P.P.S. I just finished an entire gluten-free pizza, three glasses of wine, and my blood sugar is off the Richter scale. At the rate I’m going, just the thought of Trump as President may kill me before November. Vote Hillary in November just to save my health. Oy vez mir!
Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES TO FIGHT FEAR
“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”—Thich Nhat Hanh
“This is all you have. This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.”—Laura Schlessinger (DISCLAIMER: I absolutely abhor the author of this quote—she is a racist and a didactic bitch, but sometimes even snakes can serve a purpose if the truth of their bite gets rid of the rats in the garden.)
“So then learn to conquer your fear. This is the only art we have to master nowadays: to look at things without fear, and to fearlessly do right.”—Friedrich Durrenmatt
“Hate is the consequence of fear; we fear something before we hate it; a child who fears noises becomes a man who hates noise.”—Cyril Connolly
“This world of ours… must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be, instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.”—Dwight D. Eisenhower
ALL QUOTES ARE COURTESY OF http://www.brainyquotes.com
Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler ,The Columbus Dispatch
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