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JESUS, COME BACK!

Do you know what I discovered this week?  Easter and April Fool’s Day fall on the same date this year.  What could possibly go wrong that hasn’t already gone wrong in these here United States?

Easter and April Fools John Darkow Inside Columbia

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Inside, Columbia

I’m actually going to go to church on Easter.  I know!  Can you believe it?  Haven’t been in years.  I left my religion some time ago (actually, my religion left me!), and, although I never plan to permanently return to a religious corporate structure again, our messed up world—especially our messed up country—has me in need of communion and a corporate hug from God.

I need to confess that I’ve never understood why Jesus didn’t set the world straight the first time he came around.  If he wanted us to live a certain way—love thy neighbor and all that—why didn’t he just make it so? Isn’t he all powerful?  Hadn’t the world committed enough wars, mayhem, and terror BC to give him a gist of the character of mankind that would inhabit the world in AD?  We didn’t get any better once he left, we just got more efficient at torturing and killing each other.  Shouldn’t he have known that, being God and all?

Jesus Come Back Bob Englehart Middletown CT

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, Middletown, CT

I don’t even know why I expect to be consoled by going to church on Easter because one of the reasons we have the President that we do and we’re in the mess that we are in is because Conservative Evangelical Christians sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for 30 coins of silver.

Easter Bunny: March 29, 2018

Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News, NY

But I’ll remedy that and go to a Black Baptist church.  Not that they’ve got a corner on the righteousness market, but at least I won’t have to put up with any racism which I seemed to have run into head-long in my community recently while accidentally encountering a bunch of Born-Again/Fox News loving, Trump Luddites masquerading as a “history” club, who feel that it is okay to have their own “alternative facts” with an agenda to mold the world into their racist image (Hillary was right: some of them really are quite deplorable when you get up close and personal).  Besides, I’m keeping count, and the White Evangelical pastors who support Trump (laid hands on him and prayed for God’s anointing) far outnumber the Black Evangelicals 20 to 1.  I’m also keeping count of the White Evangelical preachers who are biting the dust for grabbing women by the “you know what” (it’s Holy week so I need to keep this clean) and they are dropping like flies (must read article referenced below*).  Unlike Trump, they don’t seem to be able to get away with their sexual sins as easily as he can.

Trump Knows Easter Bunny Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle GA

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle, GA

I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was when the likes of Laura Ingraham and the NRA smeared the Parkland School shooting survivors with lies about their character and mocked them on Twitter.  I was so angry that if I owned a gun I would have seriously considered using it against those Neanderthals.  Fortunately, I don’t own a gun for just that reason:  crazy mad can happen to the most mild-mannered person if rubbed the wrong way.

Anyway, I don’t like the state of my heart.  It has grown dark with fear, anger, and resentment.  (My mother always said, “Don’t wrestle with pigs; you’ll get dirty, but the pigs will love it!”)  So I’m getting up out of the slop and dragging my sorry-ass to church before it is too late for my soul.

run-bitch meme

Courtesy of askideas.com

Who knows:  maybe Jesus will show up and stay for good this time.

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ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT RESURRECTION

I am discovering that there is no belief in a resurrection without wrestling with doubt.  Is Jesus real or isn’t he?  Did he die as some cosmic sacrificial lamb or didn’t he?  And on the third day, when the tomb door was rolled away, was he there or wasn’t he?  If he can do that, then why doesn’t he save us from ourselves?

And then I remember that he has.

Resurrection means hope and new beginnings, and like spring, when one is in the midst of winter, it is difficult to imagine that spring, hope, and new life will ever conquer the seemingly permanent deadliness of winter.  But I believe in the resurrection of Christ (help thou, my unbelief, oh God when I fail to believe), because it is my only hope for our poor sweet world and my sanity.

HAPPY EASTER AND HAPPY PESACH EVERYONE!

OUR WORLD SURE NEEDS THE GRACE OF BOTH.

Broken World Dave Granlund Minnesota

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Minnesota

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT EASTER RESURRECTION

“The Resurrection miracle is nothing to you and me if it is only an event of eighteen centuries bygone. Unless we can live the immortal life – unless we can receive God to his own home in these hearts of ours – the texts are nothing to us unless these daily lives illustrate them.”—Edward Everett Hale

“It seems as if, for every dragon head that is lopped off, two more terrible appear. Seems so. But in truth, Life is gaining all the while. Brute force, such power as there seems to be in things, cannot stand against ideas which are eternal.”—Edward Everett Hale

All quotes courtesy of http://www.brainyquotes.com

I AM Dave Granlund Minnesota

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Minnesota

HE IS RISEN!  HE IS RISEN INDEED!

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THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK:  “The Fetus Chronicles:  Podcasts From my Miseducated Self” is on sale now at Amazon!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

 WANT TO HEAR THE AUTHOR’S LATEST INTERVIEW?  Check out the podcast interview with Leo Brown: http://breadboxmedia.podbean.com/e/what-if-it-is-true-can-you-find-faith-in-darkness/

 REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/christians-offer-trump-cheap-grace/2018/03/27/9e7f5034-31c9-11e8-8bdd-cdb33a5eef83_story.html?utm_term=.4e89b81ca6a3

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2018/03/27/more-white-evangelicals-believe-stormy-daniels-and-that-could-have-some-long-term-implications/?utm_term=.69ee97c45fda

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2018/03/29/laura-ingraham-savaged-for-taunting-parkland-activist-over-college-rejections/?utm_term=.e8fbcb09421b

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/kirbyjon-caldwell-famed-houston-megachurch-pastor-sold-millions-in-worthless-bonds-feds-charge/ar-AAvhlsf?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=UE13DHP

*https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2018/03/30/in-an-age-of-trump-and-stormy-daniels-evangelical-leaders-face-sex-scandals-of-their-own/?utm_term=.9ddc4fa87a96 *

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on March 30, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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THE SCANDAL OF EVIL

Do you know what I discovered this week? I’ve been so engrossed in finishing my second book (Fleeing Oz) that Easter week snuck up on me, and the rest of life has passed me by as if it were on a bullet train from Tokyo to Hiroshima. My apologies to all my blogger friends for going AWOL these past several weeks and not keeping up with your posts. But you’re all writers, and you know (and hopefully understand) what it is like to have to meet a deadline for a book that has taken a year to come to fruition—not to mention trying to sell a house, buy another house, and move to another town in the midst of getting older by the minute. (“Become a writer when you retire,” they said; “It will be fun,” they said. Auuuggghhh!)  Anyway, my second book is finished, thank God, and it will launch in May. Glory hallelujah! Maybe, I will get to have sex with my husband again, get to feel the sun on my face, and work on a garden at the new house sometime soon. Shoot, maybe I’ll get to eat something besides popcorn, boiled eggs, pumpkin seeds, and coffee—lots and lots of coffee.

Writing Meme courtesy of ermiliablog dot wordpress

Writing meme courtesy of www.ermiliablog.wordpress.com

Fleeing Oz is a humorous memoir based on my diaries about spending 40 years in the predominantly White, right-wing stream of the Christian church and my subsequent divorce from it. (Yes, Virginia, there is such an anomaly as a Black Christian, Conservative, Right-wing Republican! Fox News doesn’t make this shit up, and Dr. Ben Carson, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and that nasty-ass Herman Cain aren’t the only ones.) As I relived this journey through the eyes of my multitudinous journal entries, I was appalled at all the evil I stupidly embraced under the banner of “following Jesus” (1 ½ cults, 1 soulless mega-church, 2 heartless, wannabe mega-churches, and 9 or more “shoot-me-now-because-I’m-so-bored, I’d-rather-be-doing-shots-with-the-devil-than-sit-through-one-more-sermon-from-an-ignorant-arrogant-clueless-preacher-like-you”).

Part of the research I read to write Fleeing Oz was a book entitled People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil by M. Scott Peck. As I tried to sort out in my book why I participated in some of the heinous things I did (why most people do what they do in the name of religion), I realized I had more questions than answers about God and “the way things are on this planet.”

There are three chimes which form a media call-to-attention that rattle me to my core every morning: “C,” the second note “A” (a major 6 up) and “F” (a major 3rd down)—sol, la, do (for my musician readers). They tonally spell NBC: Breaking News! Every time I hear those intervals followed by the words “breaking news,” my stomach seizes up. Each new three-tone chime from NBC News introduces a new level of evil. Just when I decide that I’ve figured out a way to sidestep the terror of ISIS, or find a neighborhood where there are no robbers, rapists, and racists, or cut out traveling anywhere near the continent of Africa or the country of North Korea, the tones “C-A-F” confront me with the possibility of a new evil that I never once thought about until “Breaking News.”

NBC: Breaking News! Pilot willfully crashes commercial plane into the French Alps, killing all 150 on board. He was not a terrorist (whew!), but he was a tad bit depressed!

(I may truly never have the courage to fly again without a psychiatrist at my side and a bag full of anti-psychotic drugs in my purse. When I get on a plane, I will demand to greet the pilots and look them in their eyes. If their eyes shift from my scrutinizing gaze for even a nano-second, I am hitting the exit door that activates the emergency chute, and I am out of there faster than you can say “Happy Easter”!)

Depressed Pilot  Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

I give up! I can’t outrun, outsmart, or outmaneuver evil. It always seems to be two steps ahead of me, and the sheer cacophony of the rattling of the death sabers yanks me to my knees. Will I be next? Will someone I love be fed into the gaping jaws of evil? Why do bad things happen to good people? Will there ever be peace on Earth? Where is God in the mix of all this evil? All these questions lead me to Easter because Easter, in some weird way, gives me hope and the assurance that something bigger than myself and beyond this Earth is in control. I know that God does not cause evil. People have the power of freewill to choose to do evil things. Because the god that I call Jesus suffered evil, was murdered, buried, and rose again, I have hope that I too shall rise in courage, in grace, in joy—in eternal life—in response to any evil that might come my way.  But I can’t say that I’m not scandalized by it all. I have to constantly fall to my knees and pray for understanding and grace. I have to constantly forgive God for not putting a stop to it all in his infinite power as I try not to be scandalized by his seemingly inaction. I have to trust that something good will come from it all.

Writing Fleeing Oz has made me see how much evil is within me—how often I failed to defend, protect, and support those in need of my help. I need to understand Easter on a deeper level if I am to survive myself and others. So this Easter I shall meditate on the writings of the Episcopal priest, David Henson, who has a better handle on Easter than any theologian I’ve ever read. He gives me hope!

A HOMILY FOR EASTER

by David R. Henson

Goddamn evil

Goddamn abuse

Goddamn injustice, slavery and rape.

Goddamn racism

Goddamn war

Goddamn that strange fruit of bigotry and hate

Goddamn suffering

Goddamn hunger

Goddamn indifference, apathy and waste

Goddamn noose

Goddamn death

Goddamn despair, depression, the wait

Goddamn Good Friday

And a Goddamn cross

Goddamned it all,

Goddamned it too late

Yet we live like it’s Easter

Like God has been raised

We live like it’s light,

In spite of the dark.

We live like there’s joy

With spite in our hearts

For all that remain of our Goddamned days

These Goddamned

Good Fridays.

Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/davidhenson/2012/04/easter-preaching-a-poem-that-will-get-your-fired/#ixzz3VzRInaWx

Christ_of_Saint_John_of_the_Cross

Christ of Saint John of the Cross by Salvador Dalí, 1951

EASTER QUOTES

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”—Mahatma Gandhi

“The great gift of Easter is hope – Christian hope which makes us have that confidence in God, in his ultimate triumph, and in his goodness and love, which nothing can shake.”—Basil Hume

*“But, when I look at the world, the suffering of consciousness, the evil that infects, the despair of life, the hunger that distends bellies, the enslavement of the poor to the rich, and the rich to riches . . . when I look myself, the way I am made, my own experiences of despair and hopelessness . . . I see the kind of brokenness that begs for forgiveness, but of a wholly different kind than the prayers we say while pounding our chests. At some point, we have to learn to forgive God.”—David Henson

“Let every man and woman count himself immortal. Let him catch the revelation of Jesus in his resurrection. Let him say not merely, ‘Christ is risen,’ but ‘I shall rise.’”—Phillips Brooks

Death Overcome by Easter Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

HAVE A GLORIOUS EASTER! Used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com

**

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

Fleeing Oz (Book 2 in the Discovery Series) coming in May!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on March 31, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The Genuine Article

Do you know what I’ve discovered about Easter? 90 million chocolate bunnies and 16 BILLION jelly beans are said to be consumed during a season that follows 40 days of abstaining for the Christian Lent—usually from sweets. Easter hasn’t even arrived yet, and I’ve consumed at least two-million jelly beans, but the good news is that I gave up chocolate bunnies for Lent since I’m a chocoholic. I made six giant Easter baskets for family and friends, and every time I threw in a handful of jelly beans into a basket I snarfed down two handfuls of beans with a swig of Diet Coke (one must maintain one’s diet, now mustn’t one?), but I abstained from the chocolate bunnies. Sometime after the consumption of 500,000 jelly beans, I fell into a sugar coma and would have stayed passed out for days had not a life-sized bunny knocked on my front door and, in my foggy-state-of-mind, asked me to take a bite out of his ass.

Chocolate Bunny By Josef Türk Jun via Wikimedia Commons

Chocolate Bunny By Josef Türk Jun via Wikimedia Commons

ME: I beg your pardon? Who are you? Are you a zombie in a bunny disguise?

E. BUNNY: Ah, nooooo. Do I look like a zombie? I’m Mr. Chocolate-E-Bunny.

ME: I can see you’re a bunny—albeit a six-foot-tall bunny—and a chocolate one at that, but you could be hiding all manner of characteristics under that chocolate undercoating. Take me for instance [slightly slurred speech from sugar intoxication], I’m a human female, chocolate in color, and perfectly normal at first glance, but I could be your worst nightmare if you mess with me. I’m also a chocolate lover, baby, so come on in and make yourself at home. Unfortunately, I can’t fulfill your request now—I don’t do chocolate Easter Bunnies anymore. I gave you up for Lent.

E. BUNNY: [E. Bunny pushes his way into my foyer and almost knocks me over in the process] It says here in my manifest that you gave up all sweets for Lent, but up until a few minutes ago you were passed out from a jelly bean overdose. Kind of hypocritical, don’t you think?

ME: Hey, hey, hey, hey, don’t you judge me. There is only one person who can judge me. Life is hard out here for a chocolate lover. And how do you know my business? Besides, I’m not the one who has been trying to steal the show from the real author of Easter for years. You and your comrades have reduced a very holy holiday into a commercial carnage of sugar crap and colored-boiled egg rolls. How many Americans even know what Easter is about anymore? And what the fuck did you do with your gold foil wrap? Your nakedness is freaking me out here!  I’m only five-feet tall, and even though you’re not anatomically correct, I don’t need to be looking at all that that isn’t supposed to be there on a damn chocolate bunny.

Easter Forgotten Peter Broelman Australia

Used by permission: Peter Broelman, Australia

E. BUNNY: I left my gold-foil wrap outside. I thought I’d be less imposing if I came through the door chocolate naked and ready for consumption.

ME: No, the fact that you’re a six-foot-tall chocolate bunny and talking to me is freaky—the gold foil means nothing. Now get out! I’ll not lose what little grip I have on my Lenten sacrifice and my sanity.

E. BUNNY: What do you care? It says here on my manifest that you are no longer a Christian; you’re a NONE (“none of the above” when asked “what religion are you?” on surveys), as well as a SBNR (“Spiritual but Not Religious”). Ain’t you a bit old to be losing your religion?

ME: Completely misrepresented. If you read my book Monsters’ Throwdown (have you read my book?) you’d know all about my thrilling God encounter. Where did you get that erroneous misinformation about me not being a Christian, by the way? I am a Christian BUT NOT ONE OF THOSE CHRISTIANS that are doing everything in their power to win the stupid medal, spew hatred, undergird white supremacy, sow division, worship greed as a divine right, spread ignorance, foster abuse, churn up intolerance, and snuff out belief in science. Did you read how a group of mega-church preachers have predicted the end of the world (Red Moon Rapture) during the appearances of the blood moons (scientists call this lunar eclipse a tetrad) this year or the next? Well, one blood-moon experience has passed, and we’re still here. (God, I despise stupid). At the same time, I believe in Jesus, his birth, sacrificial death, and powerful resurrection. Science is awesome (I’m really feeling the new Cosmos series, by the way), but the “knowing” by faith that I am loved by an entity who is outside of time and space levels the playing field for this little chubby-ass, black girl from the ghetto and makes me less frightened as to the nefarious choices of those who would choose to do me harm on this scary blue planet.

Gospel in a word is love funnypicturesimages dot com

Courtesy of funnypicturesimages.com

E. BUNNY: Cute—although I’m agnostic. Being edible, I have to keep my options open. Aren’t you a little old for clip art religion?

ME: Aren’t you a bit perverse to ask some strange woman to take a bite out of your ass? You’ve barged into my house and now you think you can throw shade on my beliefs? Okay, you’re goin’ down, you mouthy, fat-ass Bunny!

AT THIS POINT, THE SUGAR INTOXICATED FIVE-FOOT “NONE” BEGAN TO DO A THROWDOWN WITH THE SIX-FOOT NAKED CHOCOLATE BUNNY. JELLY BEANS WERE FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY BUT SUNDAY, AND BITS OF CHOCOLATE BUNNY WERE FLUNG TO THE CEILING. IT WAS ANYONE’S GUESS AS TO WHO THE VICTOR WOULD BE.

E. BUNNY: Stop, stop! I don’t want to fight over this. My request is strictly business, I promise. I won’t get my commission unless I become part of an Easter display. Problem is that I am much too big for an Easter basket, and everyone who I’ve come in contact with this week has given up chocolate for Lent. I’d given up all hope of winning the Easter challenge until my manager told me to stop by your house. He says you’re known throughout the land as being a chocolate-bunny slut. I’m begging you, just take a couple of chomps out of my ass to show that I am Easter worthy, and I’ll leave you be.

ME: [I bounced around the floor like Sugar Ray Leonard with fists raised in a defensive position—not letting down my guard for one minute.] Something about you is off, bunny, but I can’t put my finger on it. Everybody who is anybody knows that you don’t feast on a chocolate bunny from the ass up—it’s always from the ears down. And another thing, you’ve giving off the appearance of being a solid bunny, but methinks you sound a little bit hollow inside. For the sake of science, let me take a bite out of one OR BOTH of those ears. I’ll know instantly if you’re for real or a poser. [I flew through the air and flung myself against his body and snapped off both his chocolate bunny’s ears to discover what I suspected all along.]

Easter Over Commercialized Easter Jeff Parker Florida Today

Used by permission: Jeff Parker, Florida Today

E. BUNNY: Ouch! WTF! Why did you do that? Now I can’t hear a thing.

ME: Serves you right, nasty-ass bunny busting into my house when I’m all weak and vulnerable and offering up your tasty ass.   Um, even though you’re hollow, your ears are delicious and the left side of your face is scrumptious. I WANT MORE! [I took a flying leap and lunged upward toward the back of the chocolate bunny’s head.] Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. You are delicious, bunny baby! Oh, but what about my Lenten oath? Let’s see—Lent ends on April 17th. Today is April 16th. I made it almost to the mark—that should count for something in the religion department. [At this point I lunged for the chocolate bunny’s throat with zombie teeth bared and chocolate blood gushing out of the sides of my mouth with the ferocity of a lioness feeding on an antelope.]

E. BUNNY: That’s called sin ration_________gurgle. . .

ME: What did you say, giant bunny—something about sin rationalization? [Chomp, chomp . . .] Well, good thing I get forgiveness of my sins through Christ, because I plan to eat all six feet of your chocolate ass now and ask forgiveness later! Ha—I bet you didn’t see that one comin’!

Easter Meme FB

I am discovering that I am grateful to have experienced the presence of God in my life. All that is good and lovely, I owe to the one I call Jesus; all that was harsh and degrading I owe to the lack of love from mankind.  I am also discovering that no matter how loud the right-wing religious or the extreme atheists shout about God vs. science—both are probably wrong because Easter is the elasticity between the two. Science explains how, what, and when life began for us all (thanks Brian McLaren), but God is outside of time and space and therefore cannot be measured or categorized (thanks Alan Lightman) by science—God explains the who and whythe meaning of life.  I could be wrong (that is the nature of faith), but the fact that God burst onto the scene to show us how to live and treat each other over 2,000 years ago (which we seem to be severely ignoring) simply underscores how significant his life and death are to all mankind. I believe that in the end love will triumph over all our differences, and all death has been conquered by the resurrection of Christ. Thank God for Easter.

Happy Easter to one and all!

P.S. No chocolate bunnies were actually harmed in this sugar dream and no Lenten vows were broken.

Easter Meanig Milt Priggee www dot cagle dot com FB

Used by permission: Milt Priggee http://www.cagle.com

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”Mahatma Gandhi

“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.”Albert Einstein

“Jesus’s resurrection is the beginning of God’s new project not to snatch people away from earth to heaven but to colonize earth with the life of heaven. That, after all, is what the Lord’s Prayer is about.” ― N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church

website

LOOKING FOR AN EXCELLENT READ? CHECK OUT MY WEBSITE: www.eleanortomczyk.com

REFERENCES

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/religion/blood-moon-sets-off-apocalyptic-debate-among-some-christians/2014/04/15/00b76502-c4be-11e3-9ee7-02c1e10a03f0_story.html

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/04/14/blood-moon-lunar-eclipse-john-hagee-end-of-world/7694331/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on April 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Mammals Gone Wild—an Easter Tale

Do you know what I’ve discovered?   People are stone crazy and God must be on a soon-to-be stranded Carnival cruise off the coast of Mars because humans aren’t getting any better and he seems to be really detached about the whole thing:  can you say, “teenager shoots baby in the face while robbing Mom on a morning walk, and God seems to be nowhere around to stop this madness”—WTF?  I mean I loves me some Jesus, but I’m beginning to agree with my atheist and agnostic brothers and sisters that the mayhem, murder, and chaos is REALLY getting out-of-hand, and if there is a God, how can he just sit back and let it all happen?   What good is being all-powerful if you won’t put a stop to bad shit?

God s Vacation

Sunday is another Easter that has me thinking about my doubting faith and the bat-shit craziness of man (some call it the sin of man).    But as I was contemplating the insanity of humans everywhere (there is not a corner of the Earth where people aren’t doing something horrific), I came across a journal I’d never seen before on the Internet listing the recent nasty behavior of animals(Animals:  don’t I have enough to worry about trying to outrun the rapists, murderers, robbers, and friends turned haters without having to throw animals into the mix?)  In the journal titled:  Top Secret Animal Attack Files (Animal Attack News from Around the World) by Igor Eximel, a sampling of the first six months of 2012 was an animal vs. human whup-ass fest and the animals won the day every time.

  • “A B.C. woman was attacked on her sofa by a starving cougar that strolled into her house in search of a meal
  • “Australian mom says kangaroo stalked her for 2 days then attacked
  • “Horror as baby attacked by 2-foot pet PYTHON that slipped into the crib and tried to EAT his foot
  • “’Killer’ swan attacks Illinois caretaker until he drowns
  • “Tigers attack tourist bus in China
  • “Angry Sea Lion Attacks the singer Shakira in S. Africa . . .”

(Seriously, God—really—isn’t it bad enough that I have to exist on the same planet as Wayne LaPierre who wants to arm us to the teeth against a zombie attack, demanding we shoot first and ask questions later, without having to worry about rogue animals?)   I was agitated as “all get out” after reading the endless pages of animals attacking humans any which way but Sunday in Igor Eximel’s journal, that all I could do to calm down was knock back a bottle of Riesling with my husband, WW, as he tried to talk me off the ledge.  As WW soothed my troubled soul by rubbing my throbbing back and temples, I gradually fell asleep and drifted into a dystopian dream scene that looked much like the kitchen from The Matrix (I) where Neo and the Oracle meet and she tells him he’s not “The One.”  Only instead of Keanu Reeves, the main character was a pissed off anthropomorphic rabbit by the name of “Silly Rabbit”, and instead of Gloria Foster as the Oracle, I, Dalai Mama, was the Dalai Oracle.  Dun, dun, dun. . .

Angry Bunny

SILLY RABBIT:     “That’s it—I’ve had it; I quit!” (The Easter Bunny walks into the 1960’s kitchen on two hind legs, standing straight up like a human being and slumps down in a plastic-covered kitchen chair where the Oracle is munching a cookie from an overflowing plate of freshly-baked cookies on the kitchen table.   Dalai Oracle is calmly sipping her tea as only Oracles can do in times of crises.)

D.  ORACLE:        “What’s that baby?  You quit—you quit what?”

SILLY RABBIT:     “I quit this whole damn sham of a life.”

D.  ORACLE:        “Oh, sweetie-pie, seems like you do that every year about this same time.  You’re just a little frustrated due to the season and being overworked.  You probably need some rest, my little fluffy-nutter—how about a jelly-bean cookie and a spot of Earl Grey tea while we chat?”

SILLY RABBIT:     “Gerrr . . . I’m in no mood for cookies and tea!  I didn’t come here because I need a grandmother and a chat; I came here because I need some answers—someone to predict the future.  I want to know if this is the year I get to come out of the closet and live like an authentic bunny rabbit, shredding people’s gardens of carrots and shit, instead of hopping around acting like a furry Pez dispenser of colored eggs, jelly beans, and Cadbury diabetic orbs.   I came here to ask if I’m “The One”—the one courageous rabbit that will finally break out the other Easter bunnies from having to play the role of resurrection imposters?  I am who I am and nothing else, even though sugar crazed humans have tried to supplant me as the raison d’être for Easter for longer than I can remember.   I’m telling you Dalai Oracle:   I’m ready to spill the beans.

D.  ORACLE:        “Beans, as in ‘jelly beans?’  Pun intended?”

SILLY RABBIT:     “Jokes?!  You’re making jokes?  Have you seen the news?  Phil let his anthropomorphic charade go on too long and he blew it.  Now he’s a wanted rodent and the Ohio prosecutor is seeking the death penalty for lying about seeing his shadow and predicting an early spring.  There have been so many snow storms and sub-freezing temps across the country since his erroneous prediction that Punxsy Phil has gone into hiding and no one knows where he is—not even his mother.   My Mama always told me that lies have a way of catching up with its owners and doing them in.  Punxsutawney Phil’s Facebook page has been dormant for weeks with only a simple declaration to the world that he should have made years ago:

Punxs plea

D. ORACLE:         “Didn’t the Ohio prosecutor exonerate Punxsy?  And why was an Ohio prosecutor passing judgment on a Pennsylvania rodent?  It just doesn’t make sense!”

SILLY RABBIT:     “And a rodent predicting the advent of spring does?  The prosecutor and his lawsuit is not the point, Dalai—work with me here, please.  I’m thinking of posting a similar FP declaration as Phil’s:  ‘I AM A RABBIT, PEOPLE, NOT THE RISEN CHRIST!  I SHOULDN’T BE DOING HIS JOB ON EASTER.  BUT AM I NOT WARM-BLOODED AND DON’T I BLEED RED LIKE ALL YOU OTHER MAMMALS?  DON’T I DESERVE TO LIVE MY LIFE AS A RABBIT, NOT AS A DAMN CANDY AND HARD-BOILED EGG CARRIER?’  So tell me oh, wise Oracle:  Am I “The One” to start the bunny revolution to bust all Easter bunnies out of the closet?”

D. ORACLE:         “You know I can’t tell you if you’re “The One.”  Didn’t you see The Matrix?  Your freewill is involved.  You’re the one who acquiesced to the role of Easter imposter, now you’re the one who is going to have to choose freedom from the lie, and only you know whether you have the courage to make that choice or not.”

SILLY RABBIT:     “If I do this—if I come out like this, do you know how many people will kick me out of their lives and off their lawns?  Do you have any idea how many people will gossip about me behind the scenes on Facebook, and how many people will “unfriend” me on Facebook and “unfollow” me on Twitter if I try to live an authentic life that makes me happy?”

D. ORACLE:         “Silly Rabbit!  What do you care?  Have you ever thought that “How others judge you is none of your business?”  (I think LL Cool J coined that phrase, either him or Martha Beck.)   Your haters’ judgments are their problems—not yours—for the simple fact that you can’t control what other people do.  Have you ever thought that one of the definitions of Easter is letting your fear of the opinions of others get crucified and buried (left in the grave), while you get to boldly march out of the tomb along with Jesus, sporting a resurrected courageous heart to go on and live a joyful, unfettered life?  Hum?  How about some cookies for the road with that bit of priceless Oracle wisdom, baby?”

Reason for the Season

I am discovering that in spite of animals going wild, people continuously going crazy, and naysayers denying the existence of God, I still believe in Easter because it’s really about hope in the midst of darkness, resurrection rising out of death, and spring flowering after the deadly cold and snow of winter.   I believe in the validity of Easter, in part, because my life is a consummate example of resurrection (poor black Negro child born in the ghetto proves Ayn Rand wrong—OORAH!), and even when it seems as if God is detached from all the mayhem, murder, and chaos on Earth, I sense that he is not nonchalant, and that the God of the universe will someday have the final word—just like spring does over winter.

I am also discovering that I’ve never met a real gardener or a farmer who didn’t believe in resurrection, because no one who tries to grow things in the dirt can truly behold the cataclysmic devastation of death brought on by winter and not be spiritually transformed by the resurrection of the Earth in spring infused with life in greens, yellows, reds, lavenders, blues, purples—and not celebrate the splendor of another chance at living and living well.   Easter morning declares that it only took Christ one morning to make his point to the world about the necessity of death and resurrection, but spring teaches us that in order to reach our full potential as individuals—fulfill our true authentic selves without being afraid of the opinions of others—it takes multiple seasons of going dormant in winter and rising up to bloom gloriously in the spring.

He is Risen

                        “Each time I’ve chosen to live more authentically, I’ve been roundly rejected by my “Everybody Committees” (people who try and mold us to their agenda and sabotage our dreams—quotation marks and parenthesis mine). There’s my old Religious Committee, who will gladly tell you I‘m going straight to Hell; the Intellectual Committee, who believe I’m a delusional moron; and the Classy Materialist Committee, who cannot believe I wear a plastic watch from Target in publicity photos.  All these folks are still alive and kicking (kicking people who don’t share their values), yet every cell of me knows that what they think of me is none of my business.”—Martha Beck’s “You’re Doing Just Fine” from The Oprah Magazine/Nov. 2013

“Thank God for Jesus or I would have gone to my grave thinking that all I was meant to be as a poor black child was road kill to the likes of the Ayn Rand’s of the world; instead one glorious resurrection morning some two thousand years ago, ‘Love’ walked out of a tomb and proclaimed that his death had set me free to be me.”—Eleanor Tomczyk

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world.  It was a perfect act.”Mahatma Gandhi

“The symbolic language of the crucifixion is the death of the old paradigm; resurrection is a leap into a whole new way of thinking.”Deepak Chopra

POST SCRIPT:  After Silly Rabbit came out and started living his best authentic life, he got married, had a huge family as rabbits are wont to do; he fought to change the laws, and helped set his other Easter bunnies free from the bondage of fear.  S. Rabbit has been seen here and there enjoying life—getting into mischief with Br’er Rabbit, Peter R. and a whole host of friends who used to jam with Uncle Remus.  Silly Rabbit has never regretted leaving his old, inauthentic life behind and letting the Christ do his thing at Easter without S. Rabbit and his cohorts confusing the issue.

Rabbit Idiot

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on March 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Easter Bunny Throw Down

Do you know what I’ve discovered?   Easter bunnies take their lives really seriously and the competition among them to be the Queen Pooh-Bah of Bunnies on Easter is something else.  You’d never know that Easter was supposed to be the celebration about the death and resurrection of the son of the Christian God who came to redeem us from horrendous choices (both ours and others) and teach us how to live on Earth together in love, peace, and joy both here and beyond.  To hear the bunnies talk, Easter is ALL about them, the colorful eggs, and the baskets filled with chocolate Cadbury candy.   I caught wind of this fierce competition recently when the Miss Easter Bunny Pageant of 2012 was held in a copycat Beatrix Potter world up in a small town in New Hampshire like the Hill Top Farm in the village of Sawrey, Cumbria, Lake District that Ms. Potter loved so much.

“Friends” Pinterest image

I went “undercover” as Big Mama for my “Big Mama Speaks” column this week to participate as the Master of Ceremonies of the anthropomorphic bunnies and “bunny wannabe’s” who were competing for the title of Miss Easter Bunny 2012.  Below is a segment of the question and answer session for some of the lucky finalists.

BIG MAMA:  “Our first contestant is Black Bunny Rollin’ from the Southside of Chicago.   I ain’t gonna’ lie—glad to see one of my ‘peeps’ trying for the gold ring.  Ms. Rollin’, since the Trayvon Martin murder, our country has been on edge racially.   56% of Whites think we should move on to other subjects and drop this distasteful matter, while 90% of Black people think we should hold the Sanford police department’s feet to the fire until justice is done.  How would you use your Easter Bunny title to heal race relations amongst the citizens of Sanford and foster brotherhood and love throughout the nation?”

Bunny Wallpaper/Google Image

BLACK BUNNY ROLLIN’:  “Hey, Big Mama.  How YOU doin’?  I am so glad you asked me that very sensitive and important question because I’ve been thinkin’ about this very thing for a long, long time.  I would flood the land with Easter baskets filled with hollow chocolate bunnies and “marsmellowey Peeps” to show that we are all one and the same under the skin or coating, as it may be, so why don’t we just ‘chill’ and follow the great Rodney King and ‘just all get along!’”

(AUDIBLE GROWN IS HEARD FROM THE BUNNY AUDIENCE)

BIG MAMA:  “Thank you Black Bunny.  Sounds like your answer to our racial problems is ‘get high on sugar and die.’  Obviously, we haven’t read the latest report on sugar, now have we?  Um-humph! Anyhooooo. . . our second contestant is Bunny “Going Rogue” Palin.   Ms. Palin, your name sounds vaguely familiar and really scary; in fact, I’m getting eye tics just saying it out loud.  Have you ever run for office?  No?  Okay, I could have sworn, I’d met you before.  Ms. Palin, the NRA lobbyists have gotten completely out-of-hand.  What are your views on gun control?  What would you do to reign in this growing scourge in our country?   Guns are flooding our schools, homes, and streets, and we are gunning each other down like clay pigeons and without so much as a “by your leave!’”

Courtesy of www.angrybunnycomic.com

BUNNY “GOING ROGUE” PALIN:  “What the hell is that, a gotcha question?  I support our constitutional right to bear arms, and if you’ve got ‘em—flaunt ‘em, if you don’t—‘tote a Colt,’ or maybe you are a sucker and have been brainwashed by the lame-stream media.  At the very least, I’d flood everybody’s Easter basket with chocolate toy guns and bullets from the cradle to the grave that sport the inscription:  Viva la Second Amendment!  And then I’d pass out NRA stickers with the lock and load insignia for their Easter Baskets.  Yeah, Baby—‘cause that’s how we roll in Alaska!

(ONLY CRICKETS CAN BE HEARD FROM THE OUTSIDE.  NO SOUND COMES FROM THE HORRIFIED BUNNY AUDIENCE BECAUSE THEY CAN HARDLY BREATHE WONDERING WHICH BURROW IN HELL  THIS BUNNY CAME FROM.)

BIG MAMA:  “Ooooh-kay. . .!  Thank you Ms. Palin.   Let’s move on to the next contestant.  Ms. Norma “Nutria” Bunny.   Ah, Norma, I don’t mean to be rude, but you look awfully big for a bunny.  Where did you say you were from?”

NORMA BUNNY:  (BUNNY VOICE EXTREMELY HIGH-PITCHED EVEN FOR A FEMALE BUNNY) “I’m from around these parts.  What’s it to you?  Toss me one of them contestant questions so we can get this over with, Big Mama—I ain’t got all day.”

BIG MAMA:  (clears throat, trying not to show how close she is to opening up a can of “whup ass” on the obnoxious bunny)  “The human recipients of your Easter joy are stressed to the max.  They will need to know that you have a sense of humor.  The March jobs report just came out and it is below expectations.  What is an example of some of the things you’d do to help cheer up the jobless and lighten their spirits?”

NORMA BUNNY:  (BUNNY VOICE EVEN HIGHER THAN BEFORE) “Why, I’d use my girlish bunny charms and my beguiling ways and “make ‘em laugh.  I’ve got tons of jokes like this one:

Two chocolate bunnies walk into a barn.  One has a hole in his ass and the other has no ears.

  What do they say to each other?”

Pinterest

(AN ANGRY COMMOTION IS HEARD IN THE AUDITORIUM AS AN AUDIENCE MEMBER SCREAMS OUT:  “That’s no female bunny, that is ‘NORMAN Nutria’ from Louisiana—the river rat that attacked the woman in Wal-Mart a couple of years ago.  He/she’s an imposter and she’s wanted by the PO-lease!”)

My concept of Norman Nutria (a.k.a “Norma Bunny,” a.k.a. Myocastor coypus)||Google Image

WANTED BY THE FBI

Louisiana woman sues Wal-Mart over incident with “Norman the nutria”||May 7, 2009||LA Times

(AS THE COMMOTION REACHES FEVER PITCH, BUNNY SECURITY CAPTURES “NORMAN” NUTRIA AND BIG MAMA RESTORES CALM TO THE AUDIENCE WITH NO ONE THE WORST FOR WEAR.)

BIG MAMA:  “My goodness gracious.  Lord, have mercy—you just never know what’s gonna’ happen in a day.  Calm down everybody.  No one got hurt, thank God, so let’s do our best to carry on.  We only have one more contestant and then we’ll choose a winner.  Now where were we?  Our next contestant is Dr. Henrietta Beatrix Bunny.  Welcome Dr. Bunny.  I understand that you are a history professor at Beatrix Potter University.  A lot of humans are interested in the history of how the bunny, the basket, the boiled eggs, the Cadburys, and the jelly beans supplanted the death and resurrection of the Lord?”

***

Pinned by milkbeforebed.tumblr.com

DR. HENRIETTA BEATRIX POTTER:  “I’m-so-happy-you-asked-me-that-question-because-it-is-really-quite-the-story-since-history-is-always-quite-the-story-is-it-not? (GULP) Well-you-see-the-Christians-stole-all-the-pagan-rituals-and-tied-them-into-their-new-celebrations-and-Easter-is-no-exception. (GULP) Greg-Jenner-has-written-a-marvelous-article-(I-tell-you-just-marvelous)-entitled-‘Easter:-what’s-with-all-the-bunnies-and-stuff?’-and-he-says- that- the-word-Easter-came-from-the-word-‘Eostre-who- was-a-pagan-goddess-in-the-Saxon-religion. (GULP) In-fact-almost-everything-we-do-or-have-done-emerged-from-the-pagans-and-we-either-modified-it-to-fit-the-biblical-characters-or-we-outgrew-it. (GULP) Why-Mr.-Jenner-tells-the-most-delightful-story-about-how-Christian-farmers-used-to-bless-their-lands-to-make-them-fertile. (GULP) They-would-go-out-and-follow-these-pagan-instructions-to-the-letter-of-the-law:

‘1) At night, dig up four clumps of soil from the four corners of the field

 2) Then take a sample of every grass, herb, tree in the field, and add it to milk from every cow, and honey from every bee hive.

 3) Now add holy water to this concoction, and drip it in the holes…

 4) Now sing an incantation, asking them to grow.

 5) Now sing the Lord’s Prayer, several times

 6) Now take the four clumps of earth into the church, and get your local priest to sing four masses… one for each clump

7) Now get four crucifixes and write Matthew, Mark, Luke and John on them. Place the crucifixes in the holes you have dug, and shout ‘Grow!’ nine times

 8) Now sing the Lord’s Prayer nine times

 9) Now turn east, bow and say a prayer

 10) Now turn around clockwise three times, and then lie prostrate on the ground while chanting about your lovely green fields

11) Now bless the plough and bless the seed

 12) Now plough a furrow, and place a cake of honey and milk in it.

 13) Well done, you now have a fertile field!’

WHEW-isn’t-that-so-silly! (GULP) Now-back-to-bunnies-eggs-and-Easter-which-came-to-us-via-the-Germans in the 17th Century. . . .”*

***

I am discovering that one must never give a professorial bunny an open mic!  Anyway, a very beautiful bunny won (Miss Honey-pot Bunny) that was a mixture of all the bunny races and became the proud Easter Bunny of 2012.   But since none of the answers of the bunnies were satisfactory to nourish the spirit and soul of humans, Miss Honey-pot’s Easter duties only encompassed satisfying the taste buds and the body.  IMP. NOTE:  “Norma” Nutria escaped from the Bunny security and is still on the lam.

Prize Rabbit/Google Image

I am discovering that bunnies, boiled eggs, and Easter candy (I do so love me some jelly beans) can only feed the body, but the rejection, the loneliness, the fear, the cruelty, the injustice, and the pain and horror of living on this Earth can only be overcome by the touch of a god who has the ability to feed my soul and inhabit my spirit so that I will not retaliate and become the evil that assails me.  I don’t understand everything about my Lord’s death and resurrection, but nobody has come back to tell me what is really on the other side (I don’t believe that little boy who claims he saw Heaven for a “hot chocolate minute”—he’s a mimic of his religious parents—no more no less), so I could be wrong about so many things which is why I respect other religions and would never, ever lead a crusade.  But until the newly departed atheist author, Christopher Hitchens (“Hitch”), comes back and says, “nanny-nanny-boo-boo, I was right—there is nothing beyond the veil,” and Carl Sagan tags along to confirm it, I’ll stake my claim on the resurrection and keep aiming for an abundant life on this rock and beyond.  To that end, the Easter Bunny will stay in its place of “cuteness” along with Santa, and I’ll go and join in on Handel’s Messiah with the rest of the imperfect Christians on Easter as I humbly sing, “As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will take His stand on the Earth.”

Happy Easter and a glorious Passover (“Chag Pesach Sameach”)!

Ruben’s Resurrection of Christ

* http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/greg-jenner/easter-whats-with-all-the-bunnies_b_1406355.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on April 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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