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#FAKETRUMPINTELLIGENCEBRIEFING

Do you know what I discovered this week?  When the area of the country you live in has a heat index of 126 degrees Fahrenheit for several days running, and the air conditioning gives out in your house and you feel like a piece of barbecued meat—when you call your heating and air company and they say “take a number”—all you can do is lay down on the floor in front of a mediocre fan praying that you haven’t been condemned to Hell without your knowledge.

Weather Luojie China Daily China

Used by permission:  Luojie, China Daily China/Cagle Cartoons

There is very little that you can do in those circumstances except lie on the floor butt naked in front of a fan that your husband suddenly discovers in the basement (which makes you realize once again why you love this man so much!) and watch the Democratic Convention while sipping on ice-packed gin and tonics also provided by WW (White and Wonderful).

Call me crazy, or maybe it was the heat, the alcohol, or the slightly feverish delirium I experienced from it all, but I got up off the floor at the end of the DNC week totally in the tank for Hillary.  (Of course, my shouts of “I’M WITH HER!” I’M WITH HER!” were mingled with happy tears and kisses for the rather rotund air conditioning man who finally fixed my HVAC unit at 10:00 p.m. that night.  P.S. Clothes were donned before answering the door, in case your little nasty minds “went there.”)

But before my AC angel showed up, I preened with pride over Michelle Obama’s speech—the best convention speech EVER (try and steal that one Melania).  When President Obama spoke, I choked up with gratitude (and pride!) at the honor of having had such a fabulously intelligent, gracious, dignified, and unifying leader as President Obama when he said:  “. . .  I see Americans of every party, every background, every faith who believe that we are stronger together – black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American; young and old; gay, straight, men, women, folks with disabilities, all pledging allegiance, under the same proud flag, to this big, bold country that we love.”   I “went to church” with the Rev. William Barber as he preached his fiery sermon to America that we become the “moral defibrillators” of our time (did y’all see people gettin’ “the Holy Ghost” in that convention hall?).  But most of all, I sobbed uncontrollably at the speech and humility of Ghazala and Khizr Khan whose Muslim son—Humayun Khan, a 27-year-old Army captain—sacrificed his life for his troops and for my ability to go about my life in peace, safety, and air conditioning.  When Mr. Khan looked straight into the camera and said to the Muslim-hating, Muslim-banning, S.O.B Donald Trump, “You have sacrificed nothing; you have sacrificed no one,” and The Donald’s immediate reaction was to trash Mr. Kahn’s heartfelt speech and mock his wife’s painful silence—a mother so overcome with grief she could hardly stand—I knew that it was time to make a choice and take a stand against the primal, heartless, disgusting evil in our midst that was trying to become our next President.

TRUMP the CLOWN Dario Castillejos Diario La Crisis

Used by permission: Dario Castillejos, Diario La Crisis/Cagle Cartoons

As cold air wafted around my body and brought down my fever (I’m not shittin’ you—I actually caught a nasty cold from my journey into no-air-con purgatory), I discovered I had missed a couple dozen stories about Trump’s angry response to the constant thrashing he got by the DNC.  He invited Russia to commit espionage by hacking into the emails of his opponent (“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing,” Trump said on one occasion and then shortly after he said, “They [the Russians] probably have them. I’d like to have them released.”)  At the same time I was catching up on all this treasonous news, I realized, along with Harry Reid and a few others, that both the candidates would receive their first top secret briefings at some point in the near future.   I was horrified at the thought of The Donald getting anywhere near our national secrets given his alleged connections with the Russians, until Harry Reid suggested The Donald be given a “fake security briefing,” until we got to the bottom of Trump’s Russian money connection (RELEASE YOUR GOD-DAMN TAX RETURNS, DONALD!).  I thought that was a fabulous idea.  Others thought so too, and the hashtag “FAKE TRUMP INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING” started trending on Twitter in the midst of The Donald’s protests that he was “just kidding guys”—“just being sarcastic.”  I don’t know about you, but Trump’s excuse of sarcasm made what he did—inviting a foreign government to commit espionage against us—even more appalling.  If he should become the President, what happens if China pisses him off and he pushes “The Button?”  When China is obliterated off the face of the Earth because of The Donald’s narcissistic petulance, I don’t think the world will accept an “Oops, I was just kidding, guys!”—least of all 1.357 billion dead Chinese people.

Being Sarcastic RJ Matson CagleCartoons com

Used by permission: RJ Matson, CagleCartoons.com

So I joined in the Twitter chorus of #FAKE TRUMP INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING, because this maniac cannot—must not—know our national secrets.  To do so would be at our peril.  I don’t have a Twitter account because I can’t be trusted not to turn into a Donald Trump (I need space in between my anger and communication access to the world), but I thought I’d list some of the fake things the CIA security briefer could tell The Donald and still keep our nation safe.  Hope you’re listening CIA.

***

#FAKE TRUMP INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING

By fake CIA Intelligence Agent

“Good morning, Sir.  I’ve been assigned to be your intelligence briefing agent.  I’ve gathered together all of the latest U.S. intelligence of the highest form to make sure you are fully prepared for the days ahead.  First and foremost: Your code name is ‘Orangutan’ and your wife’s code name is ‘Fembot.’  When you hear your secret service say something like, ‘Orangutan’ and ‘Fembot’ are in the house or ‘Orangutan’ and ‘Fembot’ just left the building, you’ll know that we are referencing you and Mrs. Trump.

“Now our first order of business is to confirm that the Russians did indeed hack the DNC email server.  In fact, they sent two of their top agents to do so:   Boris Badenov (pronounced ‘bad enough’) and Natasha Fatale.  Everyone thought that Boris and Natasha went underground and had died at the end of the Cold War, but Mr. Putin resurrected them to do his dastardly deeds against America.  We’ve been on their trail for over a year now and thanks to Wikipedia have acquired quite a bit of intel on them.  Part of our first briefing to you is to let you know that you cannot trust Vladimir Putin no matter what your previous association with him has been because he is actively running (spy word for utilizing) Boris and Natasha.

“Boris refers to himself as the ‘world’s greatest no-goodnik.’  He and Natasha are still stationed in Pottslyvania—what was once thought of as a fake east-European country—but it has come to our attention that Pottslyvania is actually the code name for Moscow. Boris and Natasha report directly to ‘Fearless Leader’ and ‘Mr. Big’ who is none other than your pal—you guessed it—Vladimir Putin.  

“Unlike yourself, Sir, Boris is a vain man and his greatest claim to fame is an autographed picture from his Fearless Leader which says: ‘Drop Dead — Signed: Fearless Leader!’  I’ve got to tell you, Sir—this sounds just like the Vlady the CIA has come to know and loathe.

“According to Wikipedia, Boris was educated in U.S.C. (the University of Safecracking)—what we spies like to call the precursor to your Trump University.  Boris graduated ‘magna cum louse’ which means we’re dealing with no dummy here.  The CIA has ascertained that the best weapon we can bring against Boris and Natasha are our best and brightest agents:  Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose.  Both Squirrel and Moose (as Boris likes to refer to them) have been in seclusion since the end of the Cold War, and they are itching to get back to work again.  If I must say so myself, Sir:  desperate times call for desperate means. The CIA feels that we should summon them ASAP to deal with this notorious spy and to free you from the libelous claims that you flirted with treason when you invited the Russians to hack and find emails that would destroy your opponent.  We know you were just kidding, Sir, but we also suspect that Boris Badenov was behind the original hacking of the DNC email server and we need to prove it ASAP.

spying on DNC RJ Matson Roll Call

Used by permission:  RJ Matson Roll Call/Cagle Cartoons

“In conclusion, you will need to know how to recognize Boris if he should slip into one of your campaign rallies. He is a short tubby guy who always wears the classic spy outfit (black fedora and trench coat) and never leaves Natasha Fatale’s side (she looks like Mrs. Trump (a.k.a. ‘Fembot’) with black hair).   Boris has never given up his membership in the Local 12 of the Villains, Thieves, and Scoundrels Union, and one of his tell-tale words is ‘Raskolnikov’ which references the novel Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. By the way, Sir, we know you don’t read books, so don’t panic; we will read it so you don’t have to in order to further understand the master spy mind of Boris.  And to show you the level of depravity we’re dealing with here, the spy, Boris Badenov is still a member of the Van Gogh Society, which is a Pottsylvanian club whose members collect human ears.  This little dude is no joke, Sir!

“One final note, if during your travels you hear a little short guy who looks like Danny Devito with a mustache and a Russian accent utter the words, ‘Natasha, next time I get fiendish plan, do me big favor?’ or his most definitive phrase, ‘Sharrup my mouth,” you must contact the CIA immediately because you will be in imminent danger.

“Thank you, Sir, for your time.  Next week you will be briefed on the fact that there was never a moon landing—in fact, there is really no moon.  It is a Hollywood prop.”

Fake CIA briefing used in accordance with Creative Commons licensing http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

The 1959-1964 animated cartoons Rocky and His Friends and The Bullwinkle Show collectively refer to as The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Use of this material does not indicate endorsement of the author’s views by the licensor.

***

Endorsements Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA MOMENT) ABOUT #I’M WITHHER

I am discovering that most definitely “#I’MWITHHER!”  No matter what her flaws (I’m beginning to think that most of her perceived failures are 30-years of ginned-up hatred by the right-wing conservative party), she is a gazillion times more qualified, smarter, better educated, and more humane than her opponent.  I also think she loves America very much. Plus, I ain’t gonna lie—I love the fact that a qualified woman has finally broken the glass ceiling to the Oval Office. It gave me chills when Hillary won the Democratic nomination (now it may have been the air conditioning returning, but I still got chills).

In an ideal world, we’d have a plethora of candidates to choose from, no obscene Citizens United funds PAC funding polical campaigns, no billionaires fronting candidates, and no lobbyists—period.  But we are living in the real world, and some of our fellow citizens (especially right-wing Evangelicals who seemed to have traded their trust in God for power, influence, and fame) are positioning themselves to elect an unfeeling, unthinking, narcissistic, lying, clueless maniac to lead our coutry and influence the rest of the world.  Can you say WWIII? In the meantime, I would like to think that Susan B. Anthony and Martin Luther King, Jr. did a fist bump in Heaven when President Obama and Hillary hugged each other on stage at the convention the other night after he so eloquently said:  “ . . . if you’re serious about our democracy, you can’t afford to stay home just because she might not align with you on every issue. You’ve got to get in the arena with her, because democracy isn’t a spectator sport. America isn’t about ‘yes he will.’  It’s about ‘yes we can.’  And we’re going to carry Hillary to victory this fall, because that’s what the moment demands.” 

I’d like to add that democracy is not a reality show.

Clinton Convention Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“I learned that leadership is about falling in love with the people and the people falling in love with you. It is about serving the people with selflessness, with sacrifice, and with the need to put the common good ahead of personal interests.”—Joyce Banda

“No decisions should ever be made without asking the question, is this for the common good?”—Michael Moore

“Too many politicians are shifting the critical themes of our national conversations from a ‘big ideas’ American Brand Platform to narrowly focused, polarizing sound bites that put party philosophy before what used to be heralded as the common good. These ideas, more often than not, divide us rather than serve to bind us.”—Alan Siegel

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com

headlines you won't see David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle Cartoons

 WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/backlash-for-trump-after-he-lashes-out-at-the-muslim-parents-of-a-dead-us-soldier/2016/07/30/34b0aad4-5671-11e6-88eb-7dda4e2f2aec_story.html?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trumpclinton-7pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jul/30/donald-trump-muslim-father-khizr-khan-democratic-convention-speech

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/harry-reid-trump-fake-briefings_us_57991916e4b01180b5317f6e

http://www.cnn.com/2016/07/28/opinions/obama-passes-torch-begala/index.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/07/28/the-rev-william-barber-dropped-the-mic/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_fix-barber-1215am%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/candidates-poised-for-classified-briefings-despite-spy-agency-worries-over-trump/2016/07/28/865cd686-5500-11e6-bbf5-957ad17b4385_story.html?hpid=hp_special-topic-chain_briefing-850pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2016/07/29/why-hillary-clinton-is-both-widely-disliked-and-widely-admired/?hpid=hp_regional-hp-cards_rhp-card-posteverything%3Ahomepage%2Fcard

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on July 31, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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You Had ONE Job!

Do you know what I discovered about March this year?  It had one job—albeit, a multilayered job description—and it has summarily blown it!  March 1st was supposed to massage us out of freezing temperatures, making way for daylight savings time in two weeks, and opening the doors to the meteorological beginning of spring in the Northern Hemisphere, if Wikipedia is to be trusted.  But right now 106 million people from coast to coast are awash in another arctic air blast which is pushing eastward.  In my hometown, I am currently bracing for a “tenth of an inch of ice, topped by 8 to 12 inches of snow,” if The Washington Post is to be believed.  Auuuugh!

Cold Weather No End John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Used by permission:  John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune

I’m so freakin’ tired of this weather.  I finally got rid of the sinus infection from Hell, but then my “crap” (my house and the shit in it) started auditioning for the “You Had One Job” reality TV show that I didn’t even know existed until last week.  I’m so pissed that I wrote a letter to Al Roker (a.k.a. Albert Lincoln “Al” Roker, Jr, weatherman extraordinaire for NBC Morning News).

Dear Mr. Roker:

Oh, meteorology legend among meteorologists.

Let’s not beat around the bush here because I’ve got no time to waste before I get slammed by the lion of March and my electricity goes off.  I need you to grab your friend March by the balls and bring him into submission because he is not doing his job.  March only has one job (as far as I’m concerned) and that is to usher in spring.  Not only is March causing me a lot of sickness and chaos, but my house and its shit have been inspired by its mayhem and gone into total rebellion against me.

I woke up the other night to a floor flooded by a dishwasher that is barely a year old (this dishwasher is a replacement for the previous one that leaked and flooded my house in March 2013).  I called the appliance hotline of which I have a five-year-extended-warranty and an operator answered the phone.  She sounded like she couldn’t have been more than sixteen years old.  Al, she had one job and only one job to do:  send me a qualified repairman who could properly diagnose my problem and set me free from malfunction hell. 

March One Job quoteko dot com

TWIT:    Hello!  This call may be monitored for quality control and/or training purposes.  How can I help you today? But before you answer that, may I have your name, appliance serial and model number, your address, the cross streets where your house is located, the name of the owner of the appliance, the name of the store where you purchased the appliance; if you have a warranty, what type of appliance is it, and what needs fixin’ today?  Also, please note that your warranty covers some things but not others. It does not cover improper use (such as for a business) or abusive use by owners.

ME:        Lady, my dishwasher just flooded my kitchen because the top rack may have come off its track and bumped up against the door.  Something is broken on the rack.  I need a new top rack.  Please send a qualified repairman ASAP!

TWIT:    I see. Looks like I need to order you the rack-pack hooks and gadgets for you to adjust your top rack again and fix it yourself.  Okeydokey?  Hold on.

ME:        Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  I’m not a dishwasher repairman, but I am holding pieces of the top rack in my hand while standing in ankle deep water which says to me that this might need some teensy-weensy help from a repairman who knows something about dishwashers.   I paid a warranty in the hundreds of dollars for you people to do your job when the time came. YOU’VE GOT ONE JOB—TO REPAIR SHIT!  Don’t send me a kit to do-it-myself—send me a repairman.

TWIT:    One moment Ma’am—I can see why not having a dishwasher could be upsetting.  Please wait a minute while I put you on hold.

ME:        Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  Goddamnit . . . You’ve only got one job—just do it!

Winter Escape Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Anyway, Al Roker, I finally got the Twit to send me a repairman, but he arrived without a kit, and the following conversation ensued between said dishwasher repairman (DR) and me:

DR:         Ladee, I check ju dishwasher—nothin’ wrong wit it.   It maybe “user arrow.”  Most customa problem is dat.  Do ju know how to close door in right way? 

ME:        Do I look 16?  I’m old . . . I know how to use a dishwasher.  No, I did not accidentally leave the door open.

DR:         How ‘bout ju cuttin’ board—ju make mistake of placin’ it too close to door?  Company say dat if  customa break machine wit cuttin’ board—no warranty coverage for yu.  You pay everything from pocket! 

ME:        I have not now, nor have I ever broken an appliance.  Do you see the 50 pieces of plastic at the bottom of the dishwasher that look like an atom bomb went off inside?  Don’t you think that might have something to do with the flooding problem?

DR:         Noooo, dat jes garbage.  Do ju know to rinse plates befo’ loadin’?  Jes?  Okay, but I tell ju what.  I’ll change rubba lina to help ju out.  Maybe dat help—maybe dat won’t.  What you gonna do dees days?  Now sign computa pad wit ju finger dat rate my service (please choose “excellent” so I get company prize) and dat I answa all ju questions to satisfaction.

Mr. Roker, the dude had one job (like your friend March), and that was to fix my fucking dishwasher on the warranty that I’d already paid for.  Turns out that when another repairman from another company analyzed the situation, there were a multitude of parts that had melted off the top drawer of the dishwasher due to no fault of “user arrow,” and the drawer was knocking against the door causing the water to seep out all over the floor.  It took the repairman 45 minutes to repair the top rack with the “parts kit” that the customer service twit wanted to send me for a do-it-yourself project.   He determined that the liner never needed to be replaced as the first repairman suggested.

And I haven’t even told you about the printer dying, the garage door not opening, and the battery going on the car since I’ve been stuck in the house from this horrendous weather and sickness. 

On another subject entirely, Al, can I ask you a question?  While I have your attention (hope you don’t mind the self-promotion), did you know that I wrote a newly released book:  Monsters’ Throwdown (available on Amazon), and I just launched a website that might amuse and inspire you at www.eleanortomczyk.com?  Think you could give me a shout-out when you do the weather tomorrow?

Anyway, I look forward to your reply about the handling of your friend March.  I can’t take anymore incompetence.  I’m way too old for this shit.

Sincerely Yours!

Fed Up with winter—ET

Winter save Non Sequitur

Non Sequitur, Cartoonist: Wiley Miller

I am discovering that even as I type this post it has started to rain and the rain is turning to ice in my area.  My husband (WW) has stocked the house with food and alcohol and placed the candles and hurricane lamps all over the house.  We’ve planned an Oscar party for two, but I hear that the Oscars may be inundated with rain.  WW is sure his company will be closed tomorrow due to the snow and ice.

I got a text from Al Roker in response to my email.  It said:  “Grow a pair, Chica.  Rain helping end drought in CA.  Ukraine under attack by Putin.  Jim Crow anti-Gay legislation barely vetoed in Arizona but still being pushed in 5 other states.  Black Christians with a heart of love needed to stand with our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters against discrimination because we remember the signs not too long ago that said, ‘No Jews, No Niggers, No Dogs served here.’  More important things to worry about than a few feet of snow!”

Winter blow FB

“It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.”—Wayne Dyer

“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”—Robert Byrne

 “A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”― Carl Reiner

REFERENCES

http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/02/us/us-severe-weather/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on March 2, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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