Do you know what I discovered this week? There are moles in the White House who are leaking pertinent information. I know because they contacted me. No, that’s not entirely accurate. The White House moles contacted the Tomczyk moles who live in my lawn (of which there are scores), and gave them the straight poop on all the crazy shenanigans that #45 has been up to. They say this president is going down! These moles can hear everything, because they are everywhere under the White House grounds, and they assured my mole peeps that Trump did “tape” Comey on several occasions. How’s that for a “deep state” scoop? Fox News thinks that Obama government hold-overs are the leakers in the White House, but it is actually insectivores.
The White House moles are true patriots and are Trump supporters (they tend to support whichever president occupies the White House), but they have become very concerned at the volatility of this particular president and the damage he is causing our democracy. Several of the moles keeled over and fainted dead away when they heard him leak secret information to our enemies the Russians that had been told to our CIA in confidence by the Israelis. (First of all, the White House Moles couldn’t believe that the Russians were invited into the Oval. There are a large group of moles that have served under several presidents, and they had never, ever seen such egregious flaunting of security and boastful mishandling of top secret information.)
Then there was the pulling together of that bogus letter to fire Comey. The White House moles heard it all! Things whispered in the dark and secretly taped… They weren’t fans of Comey’s, but they had heard the inside scoop between #45 and his body guard who later delivered the pink slip to the FBI. When the news broke about Comey, the White House moles were deeply concerned, but when the White House spokespeople blatantly lied about why Comey was fired, the moles wondered whether they should speak up.
Then the White House moles overheard a private conversation in the Oval between Trump and one of his loyal Evangelical supporters that greatly alarmed them. The Evangelist was pledging his undying loyalty to Trump along with all his followers, and encouraging Trump to fight on—to never give up—because God was on his side. The Evangelist said that any and all critics were the Anti-Christ and Trump was to ignore them.
The moles determined that a message needed to be leaked on social media to warn the country about what was going on in the White House and the crazed, religious bent of many of #45’s supporters, so they chose “Eleanor the Blogger” because of her long-standing, on-again-off-again relationship with the Virginia moles and the fact that she used to be one of those goose-stepping Christians (horrors!) to sound the alarm. She wasn’t necessarily a fan of moles, but they knew her to be fair. Below is what transpired.
This morning, when I went out to pick up the morning newspaper, I noticed a giant pile of leaves and debris on my front lawn. “Goddamnit,” I said to myself. “Those moles have been up to it again!” When I began to stomp down on their tunnel, I noticed that a grungy manila envelope (marked: From the White House Moles) lay just beneath the surface. Upon opening the envelope, I found an old-fashioned tape recording and the picture of the Evangelist Jim Bakker—looking like Gollum with a white beard and a cross on a blue cap. (Remember him of the Jim and Tammy Show [she with the runny mascara from crying all the time], and [he the convicted felon accused of raping a woman, paying her hush money, and misappropriating funds from his Christian village/theme park])? He was convicted for 45 years and sent to prison, but got out after five years on a technicality. At first he appeared to be a humbled and changed man. Even wrote a book about how he was wrong about shaking down gullible people for his self-centered, greedy purposes. But given what I heard from the tape delivered by the moles, he’s back and worse than ever. Below is a transcript of the tape between Jim Bakker and President Trump that was delivered to my lawn by the White House Moles.
TRUMP: Welcome, oh squirrely one. Who are you that dares enter my presence unannounced?
BAKKER: It’s me, your Royalness. One of your poorly educated that you said you loved so much on the campaign trail. I hail from Branson, Missouri.
TRUMP: Oh, yeah! Are you one of my Christians or one of my Heathens?
BAKKER: Your Highness, I’m one of your best Bible-believing Christians. In fact that is why I’m here. God sent me here to tell you not to get discouraged. You won this election because of all the good Christians who prayed and fasted for you, and then voted for you in droves. God heard our prayers and put you in office. If Hillary had won, God told me that it would mean He was judging the world for immature leadership. In fact, I came here to specifically tell you that you should pay no never mind to your critics. They are just haters from Hell. *It seems like there is a hatred among peoples and this is satanic. This (hatred) is the White Horse of the Apocalypse. The White Horse of the Apocalypse is the first horse. It’s a horse of speech. It’s a horse of spirit. And the spirit of Antichrist is out now. This is what you’re seeing. You want to know what the Antichrist spirit looks like. That’s what’s going on in America. These people mocking the president. The words they use. The speech they use. That’s the spirit of Antichrist. That’s the spirit of hatred.*
TRUMP: Oooooh, I knew my haters were bad. Agents of the Devil, you say? Part of the Apocalypse? Epic! God’s on my side? Wait. I thought I was God. Are you betraying me, my little uneducated one?
BAKKER: Oh, no Master. You are the one who will usher in the return of Jesus. No matter who criticizes you, the Christians who voted for you will never, ever believe their lies. We will never turn against you! We will fight for you until the end.
TRUMP: Can you believe how they treat me? **No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly. * And did you hear that a special prosecutor has been appointed to mess with me? They didn’t even consult me—they just up and did it. Announced it to me thirty minutes before announcing it to the world. ***With all of the illegal acts that took place in the Clinton campaign & Obama Administration, there was never a special councel [sic] appointed! This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!”*** This is America. I should be able to do what I want—meet with the Russians, fire somebody, and grab women by their va-jay-jays. I’m the President!
BAKKER: Yes, your Holiness?
TRUMP: So what do you do for a living, my loyal subject?
BAKKER: I’m a leader in the “Prepper Movement.” You remember, I sent you all my pamphlets. I help the right kind of Christians (ones that think like me) prepare for the Apocalypse. I have a show on TV (via DirecTV, Roku, Apple TV), and I sell food and goods for the End Times. The end is fast approaching, my King. You’ve got your tsunamis, your earthquakes, your financial meltdowns, your Zika virus, and most of all, you’ve got your ISIS and your homosexuals—all point to the End Times. Obama was the Anti-Christ, as you know. But don’t you be afraid because you’ll be saved in the Rapture, and you’ve been made President of the United States to hold back God’s wrath for a few years. That’s where I come in. It will be seven years of turmoil and then Jesus will take all the real Christians—including you, Oh Anointed One—right up to Heaven. But you’ve got to stay alive until then. That’s where I come in. I sell enough goods through my TV show to keep you hanging out in your bunker until Jesus returns to rescue us. (This is why Global Warming is a crock of shit—no need to worry about the Earth because Jesus is going to destroy it in seven years anyway, after we’re gone.)
Anyway, to keep you staying alive, I’ll sell you 14 totes full of black bean burger mix for $3,000; what I call Bakker’s Dozen Extreme Canteen Kit, including 13 packs of ponchos, thermal blankets, glow stick and whistles for $500; and my Survival Food Brick Monthly Club with 90 servings of food for $50 per month. I’ll also sell you a solar-powered, “fuel-less” generator for $1,784, and a variety of mid-tech water bottles and hand-cranked ham radios for extra security.
TRUMP: I only eat McDonald’s burgers, fries and Kentucky Fried chicken. Got any of that freeze-dried in your seven year plan?
BAKKER: No. But you’ll love what we do have. As you so famously say, “believe me!” It is sooooooooo good!++ My advertising slogan is: “Imagine — the world is dying and you’re having a breakfast for kings!”
TRUMP: Excellent! As I’ve always said, the beauty of me is that I’m very rich, so I can afford your end-timey food. By the way, how much for the snake oil?
INSPIRATIONAL “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) ON “CHRISTIANS FOR TRUMP”
I am discovering that you can’t make this shit up. There are no such things as undercover garden moles leaking me White House secrets, but there is a mad king in the White House and nutty Evangelicals supporting Trump’s every move. In fact, they, along with their science-fiction fears, helped him gain the White House. The exact quotes of Trump and Bakker have been indicated by asterisks in my blog, and are tagged into the source material under “references” below. One of the reasons the supporters of Trump will never believe the truth or stop following him (no matter how terrible he becomes) is because, for many of them, voting for him was a holy cause, and to admit that this president is the worst leader we’ve had since Andrew Johnson means that they were wrong, wrong, wrong in voting for him, and it would shake the very core of their faith in God and their literal interpretation of the Bible. It would destroy them to the core.
++JUICY TIDBIT: EVANGELIST’S JIM BAKKER’S FOOD WAS REVIEWED BY CASEY CHAN OF SPLOID AND CHEF GREG LAURO FROM BROOKLYN, NY WHICH CHEF LAURO PURCHASED AND PREPARED: “The food—which basically only requires the addition of hot water to cook—ends up being like beige slop and red vomit and liquid sludge. (Chef Greg) Lauro described the taste as ‘paper mache’ and ‘a bathroom at a bar at the end of the night in a college town’and ‘one of the worst things I’ve ever eaten in my life’ to describe the taste and smell of the food.”
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