Do you know what I discovered this week? That Number 45 is losing his mind due to insane jealousy of a Black man and has declared all-out war on the former President. What’s your evidence, you’d ask? Why, the nuclear twitter war we’ve all found ourselves in, I’d reply. Not to mention the secret intel I received from an anonymous source this week, I’d say.
Reveal your sources, you’d demand! HELL TO THE NO, I’d exclaim! Your pay grade isn’t high enough for me to reveal my deep throat connections. But I can share with you one thing: I have a transcript of a certain President’s late night conversation with his hand mirror, which should prove to you that the impostor in the White House has gone stark raving mad.
Check it out!
SUBJECT: Clandestine surveillance of Number 45 (code name: “Little Hands”)
METHOD: Wiretapping of cell phone, hacking of Twitter account, and bugging of Mar-a-Lago—Florida White House
DATE: Saturday Morning when son-in-law is observing the Sabbath
TIME: 3:00 a.m.
Below is a transcript of Number 45 in the wee hours of the morning having woken up from what appears to our agents to be an on-going nightmare. Judging by the camera angles from the gold lamé canopy over the master suite bed, Trump woke up extremely agitated and in a cold sweat as he frantically went in search of his favorite hand mirror and his cell phone. The following conversation was recorded soon after.
#45: Mirror, mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?
MIRROR: You again? You ask me this same god-damn question every night since you took office. And I tell you the same freakin’ thang:
“Donald, Baby, you da’ fairest in the land…”
#45: REALLY?! SO TRUE… SO GOOD! SO BIGLY! THANK YOU HAND MIRROR, SO MUCH!
MIRROR: And like all the other nights you rush to judgment because you cut me off befo’ I finish speakin’. Then I have to go and repeat myself:
“Trumpee, Darlin’, you da’ fairest in the land as to what’s in reach of yo’ tiny little hands.
BUT, dear Donald, yo’ land is small (Mar-a-Lago, golf courses, Trump Tower, and all).
Because you, my Donald, are fair; it is true (in a reality star, classless, nouveau riche type of brew),
But Barack Obama is—throughout the entire world—so much fairer than you.
He is so cool, so suave, so intelligent, so sophisticated, so kind, so gracious
Compared to vous!”
#45: NOOOOOOOOOO! Say it isn’t true! Where’s my phone? Where’s my sweet little blue bird, too?
MIRROR: WORD! What I say is true, because unlike you, I cannot lie—so bye!
#45: Wait, wait hand mirror. What if I told you my humble abode at Trump Tower had been “wiretaped” by Obama during the campaign? Wouldn’t that show the world what a nasty, bad guy he is picking on little ol’ me, when I’m just trying to do my job and become the most adored president—ever—throughout the land?
MIRROR: What if I told you that yo’ sorry-ass can’t spell worth a damn? You think that Good King Obama wire “T-A-P-P-E-D” your phone lines in Trump Tower, as well as the cell phone in your hand? When and how? While you was in the shower?
#45: I don’t know how that Kenyan, Muslim, Marxist darkie recorded my conversations with the Russians before the election—I just know that he is not one of the good Blacks who adores me (SHOUT OUT TO MY GIRL, OMAROSA!), so he must have it out for me. So watch me tweet this to the world to destroy his reputation:
@Donald J. Trump Tweet: “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!”
Voila! I bet you people won’t think he’s such a hot shot now. “Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who is now the fairest in the land?”
MIRROR: “Trumpee, how many times do I have to repeat this rhyme?
“You are the fairest in your mind, that’s true.
But my main man, Barack Hussein Obama,
Is a thousand times a better man than you.
You lie, you cheat, you disavow,
Any bad behavior in the past or now.
In truth, my little tiny hand ‘king,’
You’re not worthy to kiss Obama’s ring.”
#45: SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP! No one’s more popular—more loved by the people than me. I’ll send out another tweet to kill that damn Obama’s popularity—you’ll see:
@Donald J. Trump Tweet: “122 vicious prisoners, released by the Obama Administration from Gitmo, have returned to the battlefield. Just another terrible decision!”
MIRROR: FALSE, tiny hands! Most of those prisoners were released by Bush—check your sources, you feeble-minded douche.
#45: I can break you, you know. You’re just a mirror.
MIRROR: No, you can’t—you’re just a bully; of you, I have no fear. (God, I need to quit this gig and go do mimes—I can’t stop talkin’ in mindless rhymes.) My point remains the same, that in this game: Even if you ordered your demon, Bannon, to cut out the heart and liver of Obama, like in the story of Snow White, Barack’s star would still shine bright. After that brutal act, you’d ask me on a future, nightmarish night, to tell you of your fairest plight, and I’d answer with the same keen insight:
“Oh, Donald, thou art fairest of the 45% you see
(The people who voted for you—NOT ME),
But outside of the White House and your crazy-ass supporters,
Barack Obama’s reputation is still alive and well,
And none is as fair as he.”
#45: WHAT THE F—! Must send rash of new tweets showing my hatred and jealousy of previous ruler—Barack HUSSEIN Obama—and other shit, before he goes into history books as a better leader than me. (God, I hate that N—)
MIRROR: Watch yo’ mouth, old man, if you wish to live to see another day with yo’ tiny little hands!
#45: Sigh! (I hate that Kenyan ever since I couldn’t prove he wasn’t an American, and he made a fool of me at the Correspondents’ Dinner.) I’LL GET YOU, BARRY, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, BO, TOO! Cannot sleep until I bring that Mofo down. (Love that word, Mofo. Learned it from Arsenio Hall when he was on Celebrity Apprentice—best show ever!)
@Donald J. Trump TWEET: SAD! Just learned Waldo in “Where’s Waldo” books harder to find. He got smaller. Obama did it. SNEAKY NEGRO!
@Donald J. Trump TWEET: Said I didn’t have meeting with any Russians during campaign. Google has proof I did. Boo Google—failing company. HATERS!
@Donald J. Trump TWEET: UNPRESIDENTIAL! Obama won’t return my phone calls. What bug flew up his ass? RUDE!
ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT
I am discovering that giving up alcohol and carbs for Lent was ill-timed. I no longer have any coping mechanisms at my disposal during the reign of “Little Hands.”
MEDITATIVE QUOTES ABOUT TWITTER USE
“On the one hand Twitter gives you the opportunity to engage with people, which is great, but on the other there are people who feel they can say whatever they want, put poison out there, really, without fear of any repercussions.”—Michael Sheen
“What do you think Jesus would twitter, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’ or ‘Has anyone seen Judas? He was here a minute ago.’”—Chris Cornell
“I don’t do Twitter because I don’t want to talk about myself more than I already have to.”—Kit Harington
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com
MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: THIRD BOOK OF THE DISCOVERY SERIES DUE OUT IN APRIL 2017. WATCH THIS SPACE!
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