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Tag Archives: Political Satire

DEAL WITH THE DEVIL

Do you know what I discovered this week that drove me to take up meditation? 

Donald Trump, Jr. did something nasty with the Russians and he’s lying through his teeth about it

The John Birch Society (that racist, uber-conservative, far-right group of old) is on the rise again

Trump threatening to harm millions out of pure spite by sabotaging healthcare markets

The 81% of White Evangelicals who voted for Trump say he’s the Chosen One

Game of Thrones is back—winter is here, and the war is coming

Game of Thrones

Fan made Game of Throne Posters/www.ablogofthrones.com

I’m a HUGE “Game of Thrones” fan!  Not that I can keep all the names of the characters straight, but I do know who the bad guys are versus the good guys.  I also know that the characters in the show specialize in betrayal, lying, cruelty, corruption, arrogance, intimidation, and violence.  Kind of like our 45th president and his cronies—especially “Putty” the Vlad Putin.

While I was watching the first episode of the 7th Season of GOT, it increasingly dawned on me that we Americans are living in our own “game of thrones.”  81% of White Evangelical Right-Wing Christians voted for Trump, are not swayed by any of his misdoings (they think the negative stories about him are fake news), and they make up a solid core of the 36% that will stick with Trump even if he does shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue as he once promised.  When I heard those stats, I knew eternal winter had come to America.

Trump's base Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The August Chronicle

Since the election, I’ve been holding out in hope for courageous men and women to stand up against our “game of thrones” leader and expose the emperor with no clothes.  But when I obtained solid confirmation that the family values voters planned to stick with Trump until the bitter end because they believe he was “raised up by God to be the 45th president,” I knew that the long proclaimed culture war was coming, and much as I suspect will happen in Game of Thrones, it will be long and brutal, and there will be no happy ending.

After a bunch of very clueless ministers encircled Trump last week, and prayed for him with the “laying on of hands” (Greek: cheirotonia – χειροτονία, literally, “laying-on of hands” is both a symbolic and formal method of invoking the Holy Spirit primarily during baptisms and confirmations, healing services, blessings, and ordination of priests, ministers, elders, deacons, and other church officers, along with a variety of other church sacraments and holy ceremonies—Wikipedia), I knew I was either going to become a drug addict and stay stoned for the rest of my life just to keep from going insane, or I was going to have to figure out a non-narcotic type of sedation no matter what happens to my beloved America.

So I took up meditation.

Green Tea Truth Theory

Thus far it has been a struggle.  I practice my breathing, I’ve got my mantra (“save us from DT, deliver us from DT, oh God, OMMMMM-MM-MMM…”), I can even get one of my fat-assed thighs into a half lotus position for five minutes until the leg falls completely asleep and I fall over onto my right side.

I used to watch the news as soon as I woke up (Morning Joe)—usually around 6:00 a.m.—and by 8:00 a.m. I would be so agitated and depressed that I could barely function.  The day I realized that the poison of Trump and family was going to go on for a very, very long time—possibly with irreparable damage, like the march of the hordes of the undead in Game of Thrones that was the moment I knew I had to do something to save my sanity.  For the last three days, I’ve been going onto the deck and doing my meditative exercises, and they seemed to be calming me down and giving me a more peaceful day until… my mind started messing with me.  Like this morning… when Angelica and Deviloneous showed up.

Simpson Devil and Angel on Shoulder meme

Homer Simpson Meme, Devil vs Angel

ANGELICA:  That’s my girl, you can hold that pose… easy, steady—now breathe! Start your mantra…

DEVILONEOUS:   Damn, Girl, ain’t your ass on fire, right about now?  You know you’re too old for this shit.  You’d be better off gettin’ a cup of coffee and eatin’ that leftover apple turnover in the fridge.

ME:   Saveusfromdonaldtrump,ohgod,deliverusfromdonaldtrump,ohgod,OMMMMMMMMM…

DEVILONEOUS:   Morning Joe is on now, Cutie.  Ain’t you jes a bit curious ‘bout what’s goin’ down out there in the real world?  I mean how can you get through the day unless you know what stupidity 45 is up to?  What if he does somethin’ really bad, and you’re not there to see it unfold on the TV?  How you gonna take control?

ANGELICA:  Stop it, Dev.  You know, she’s only human and this mess is out of her control.  Best she can do is “self-manage” and pray.  God has to fix this mess.

DEVILONEOUS:  Oh really, so where is yo’ God? Pray? Pray what?  From where I’m perched looks like everybody is chatterin’ at God.  You got yo’ folks like chubby-ass here prayin’ for God to deliver America from Trump’s evil, then you have Trump’s Christian supporters prayin’ he will destroy people like her because he’s like Neo—The One!  The GOP and the Conservative Evangelicals love 45!  They just adore his chubbie ass.

Emperor no clothes II Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

ANGELICA:   Devi, I hate to be rude, but you need to shut your trap.

DEVILONEOUS:  Psst… hey ET, you know what I heard on the news last night while you were tossin’ and turnin’ in yo’ sleep?  The Trump administration is already underminin’ the healthcare market so that Obamacare will fail and leave millions without insurance.  They pulled help from 18 cities that had set up computer centers in libraries, businesses, and strip malls to help people sign up for insurance who don’t have access to the internet.  That should kill off an easy million or two bottom feeders thinkin’ they deserve to have medical care just ‘cause they alive.

ANGELICA:  Devi, I swear to God, I am going to smack you up side your head.  You need to leave her in peace.  Let her be.

DEVILONEOUS:  Seriously?  Why?  She needs to know that the political party she used to belong to—inspired by the Right-wing Christian churches—are 100% behind this Prez repealin’ Obamacare which will leave 32 million people without insurance.  I love death by mass destruction, don’t you?  Remember the bubonic plague?  That outta worry her to death.

ANGELICA:  ET, don’t listen to him.  Devi, how does losing her mind help save 32 million people from losing insurance?  She has a family to stay healthy for and a few good years of life to enjoy.  She needs to remain calm.  Leave her alone, Devi!

ME:  SaveusohGod,deliverusohGod…OMMMM—MMMMM.

The Death Dealer Milt Priggee www miltpriggee com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com

DEVILONEOUS:  Okay, okay, okay.  I’ll leave after I tell her this one last news tidbit.  Hey, ET, yo’ peeps…

ANGELICA:  Her former peeps…

DEVILONEOUS:  Yo’ former peeps, are never, ever gonna see the light about Trump. You know why?  They believe that he is a modern-day King Cyrus—Cyrus the Great (c. 600 or 576 – 530 BC).  You know, the dude from the Old Testament of the Bible who supposedly freed the Jews from the Babylonians and restored their Jewish kingdom by letting them rebuild Jerusalem.  You see, those peeps that you used to break bread with take the Bible “literally,” and they believe that Donald J. Trump is Cyrus the Great incarnated.  Ain’t that somethin’?  Angels and demons alike are crackin’ up ova this latest Christian stupidity.

ANGELICA:  Our girl does not believe that nonsense, and you know it.  She takes the Bible “seriously,” but not “literally.”  She has not fallen under the spell of Trump, but nothing she says seems to wake up her ex-friends who have.  She’s tried, but they only listen to Fox News or Conservative Talk Radio all day long.  She has to just keep calm and carry on, because, whether you believe it or not, Devi, only God can save America from this wolf in sheep’s clothing.

ME:  SAVEUSFROMTRUMPOHGOD,DELIVERUSFROMTRUMPOHGOD… OMMMMMMMMM

DEVILONEOUS:  Well, I’m bored!  So, I’m gonna make like a banana and split.  But before I do, I thought I’d read you a couple of Facebook quotes, prayers, and Tweets from some of the White Right-Wing Evangelicals who think God is on their side and who are gonna ride the wave with Trumpee, no matter what.  Kind of like the Civil War.  Preachers prayed that God keep slavery intact and help the South slaughter the North, while the North prayed the South would be burned to the ground.  Wonder whose prayers will get heard this go round?

Religious Right and Trump Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

DEVILONEOUS:  Check these out…

Pastor Rodney Howard-Browne wrote on Instagram: “Highlight after all these years of fighting for America – standing in the Oval Office with @realdonaldtrump and @vp and @paulamichellewhite and other leaders – listening to our great President talk about America – Great Job Mr. President- Great Job.”

Pastor Howard-Browne wrote on his Facebook that he was asked by Paula White to pray over Trump and the pastor asked God for “supernatural wisdom, guidance and protection.” “Wow — we are going to see another great spiritual awakening.”

How about this one by Mark Collins who is a John Bircher/pastor at a Baptist church…

“God has sent America a new, powerful leader. He’s a good man, a moral man. God has delivered Donald J. Trump to save the United States of America.”

Deviloneous:  And you gonna love this ET—it will set your hair on fire…

The Donald, who once confessed to be a non-reader said this in March as he compared himself to King Cyrus of the Bible:  “Cyrus the Great, a leader of the ancient Persian Empire, famously said that ‘freedom, dignity, and wealth together constitute the greatest happiness of humanity. If you bequeath all three to your people, their love for you will never die.’”

ANGELICA:  I wonder who fed Trump that convenient bit of “history?”  Yep, America is fucked!

DEVILONEOUS:  Ooooh, Angie, you gonna get in so much trouble for swearin’!  Hey, what happened to ET?  She fell over on her right side.  Dang, looks like she’s asleep.  Oh well, guess my work is done.

Meditative Stillness meme

I am discovering that we are truly screwed as a country with 45 as our leader.  This situation is going to last a lot longer than any of the resisters and anti-Trump folks ever thought, and it is going to take years to recover from the damage that will have been done to the country by Trump and his right-wing, misquided, delusional zealots.  Save us, Oh God, deliver us, Oh God…have mercy on us, oh God!

Russia Bear Biting Trump's Butt

Cartoon used by permission: CagleCartoons.com

SCARY QUOTE

“Many Evangelicals who voted for Trump continue to have an abiding faith in his presidency. Just as Cyrus returned the Jews to Jerusalem, and restored their wealth, so Trump, they fervently believe, will restore a lost world of personal safety, psychological security and material prosperity.”—James S. Gordon, The Guardian, “Does the ‘Cyrus prophecy’ help explain evangelical support for Donald Trump?”

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WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

BOOKS WRITTEN BY AUTHOR AVAILABLE ON AMAZON

The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts from My Miseducated Self

Fleeing Oz

Monsters’ Throwdown

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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REFERENCES

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/mar/23/cyrus-prophecy-evangelical-support-donald-trump

http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/leader-of-trump-cabinet-bible-study-god-only-hears-prayers-of-righteous-christians/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/once-again-the-silence-of-the-republicans-has-been-profound/2017/07/12/1b158ca6-6742-11e7-a1d7-9a32c91c6f40_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-d%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/get-off-the-trump-train-before-it-crashes/2017/07/12/6e0959e2-673d-11e7-9928-22d00a47778f_story.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/under-trump-us-has-lost-its-moral-authority-down-under/2017/07/14/00dae05c-680a-11e7-8eb5-cbccc2e7bfbf_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-d%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/12/politics/trump-prayer-photo/index.html

http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/07/16/the-john-birch-society-is-alive-and-well-in-the-lone-star-state-215377

http://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/christians-tempted-by-trump-idolatry/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/as-pat-robertsons-former-executive-producer-nothing-about-his-interview-with-trump-surprises-me_us_5967b182e4b0d6341fe75c51?section=us_contributor

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on July 20, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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A CONVERSATION WITH A DOG ABOUT A DOG

Do you know what I discovered this week?   Not only do all dogs go to heaven, but they can talk, too (at least I think they can or I may be hearing things).  Not only do all dogs go to heaven but they are watching us (I mean, they just might be or I may be paranoid).  How do I know this?  I think I got a 911 message from my grand-dog, Wednesday Addams—a shorkie (cross between a Yorkshire Terrier and a Shih Tzu) who is 11 years old (77 in human years)—who said she needed to talk to me ASAP about the poopy stuff that’s been going down in the country before she bites the dust, which apparently she almost did.  Said she’d watched the debate between Hillary and Trump and wanted to weigh in with the animal perspective.  I mean I think my grand-dog said that, but it might have been all the booze I drank to dull the terror I felt every time that delusional, sexist, racist, Putin-ass-kissing, non-taxpaying liar who wants to move into 1600 Pennsylvania Ave and declare himself “King of the World!” opened his mouth at the debate the other night.

debate-drinking-game-david-fitzsimmons-the-arizona-sta

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

I’m sure the copious alcohol, the stress from imagining delusional people believing all the lies of a delusional presidential candidate, mixed with the dog food commercial I saw right before I fell asleep must have had something to do with the fact that I had a political conversation with a dog.   In any case, it was very informative.  In my dream, Wednesday Addams sent me a selfie that she turned into a meme with a 911 message that said:  “Saw the debate:  What the fuck?!  Call me, Mema.  We need to talk—now!”

img_0892-1

Grand-dog, Wednesday Addams/Photo Credit: C. Tomczyk/Photo dedicated to J. Alsop

ME: Oh, my God, Wednesday—you poor baby—what happened to you?  Where was this selfie taken?

WEDNESDAY:  Hey Mema.  At the doggy emergency room.  Doc said I’m a “victim of Trump-induced hysteria.”  Apparently, there is a lot of it going around amongst humans, but this is the first case he’s seen in the animal kingdom.

ME:  Wow, but it looks as if you’re really messed up, Baby.  What happened to your foot?  What’s that crap on your head?

WEDNESDAY:  Well, what had happened was, I was watchin’ the debates and every time Trump told a lie or didn’t own up to his racist shit I shook my head back and forth in denial like a crazed Muppet and kicked the TV stand because I couldn’t believe there would be people delusional enough to believe him.

ME:  Well, Sweetie, if the debates disturbed you that much, why didn’t you just turn them off?

WEDNESDAY:  I did.  I had my mommy turn on “Empire” that I’d saved on the DVR (you know that’s my favorite Black people show, that and “Scandal”), but in the first five minutes, Boo-Boo-Kitty killed Rhonda!  I almost had a heart attack.  So I kicked the TV stand again!  I was so pissed that I had your daughter turn off “Empire” and read me the latest People magazine.  You know what your daughter had the nerve to tell me?  She said that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were breaking up.  WTF?  How will I go on now?  Is this the end of true love?

brangelina-marian-kemensky-slovakia

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

ME:  Let me guess:  you kicked the TV stand again in anger?

WEDNESDAY:  No, this time I kicked my Mommy, and I said:  “Bitch, you better check yourself—don’t you be hatin’ on my Brangelina sweeties!”

ME:  Oh sweet Jesus!  Let me guess, I’m thinking that didn’t go over very well?  Is that why your neck’s in a giant ice cream cone?  Did she try to wring it?

WEDNESDAY:  No . . . My mommy would never hurt me.  She just grounded me for life, that’s all.  The vet put this shit on my head to keep me from pulling off this nasty-ass boot because my toe is all busted up.  I hate this thing—it is ugly as hell.  Doesn’t match any of my outfits.

ME:  Well, cheer up, My Love. Since you’re almost 77 years old in human years, you won’t be grounded that long ‘cause your ass will be singing with Jesus before too much longer.

WEDNESDAY:  Ahhhh—now why you wanna go say something like that?

ME:  Just kiddin’—just a little gallows humor to cheer you up.  Besides, you needn’t be so dramatic about all this.  As for the storyline in “Empire,” you knew from the cliff hanger from last season that it was either going to be Boo-Boo-Kitty who bit the dust or Rhonda, and since Boo-Boo-Kitty was pregnant with a Lion heir, Rhonda had to go.  You should have seen the handwriting on the wall with Brad and Angelina because she stole him from Jennifer Aniston when Brad was married to her.  Baby, karma is a bitch.  Karma may not get back at you immediately, but it will pay you back inevitably.  Now as to Trump, well, Wednesday Addams, you need not worry because Hillary kicked his ass down into Hell and back again.  My favorite moment in the debate was when he continued his two-week long rag on her that she lacked stamina as he appeared to slump into the podium, sniffle like a snot-nosed kid, and constantly drink water—all the while looking like a stuck pig.  In the meantime, our girl Hillary outpaced him a hundred to one and stood cool, calm, and collected.  Yeah Baby, talk about karma.

clinton-dispatch-fb-david-fitzsimmons-the-arizona-star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

WEDNESDAY:  That’s what Mommy said, but I’ve been hearing on the news today that people are still going to vote for him.  What is wrong with those people?  What if The Donald does get elected?  From the way he feels about women (calling them “pigs, slobs, and dogs”), the way he tortured the President with racist Birther lies which he still won’t say he’s sorry for, I can’t imagine how he must feel about “moi” if he has so little regard for humans.  And the worst part is what he did to Alicia Machado, the former Miss Universe that he called “Miss Piggy” because she gained a few pounds—humiliated her, he did.  Fat Donnie even called Ms. Machado “Miss Housekeeping.”  She is a Latina for God’s sake!  Even I know that is a racist thing to say—like calling me a son of a bitch because the stereotype is that dog’s have no parents.  I had two parents, thank you very much!! How many feet do I have to bust up before someone takes note that I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!

ME:  Well, I can tell that someone’s been watching the movie “Network” during her convalescence.   Listen Dog, Trump is delusional if he thinks he’s got the goods to be the President of our great nation.  He proved during the first debate with Hillary he does not.  And even though his staunch basket of deplorables will never leave him (even Hitler had his loyal basket), others saw “an emperor” at the debate “without any clothes” who seemingly boasted that not paying his taxes was smart business, and that he rooted for the housing market crash in 2012 so that he could make money because that was good for his bottom line.  Enough good people heard him to make a difference.  People who work hard every day and have always paid their taxes were horrified, people who lost their homes during the housing crash were disgusted and angry, and women who know how they should be treated and valued were mortified, and it goes without saying that most women would rather die than let a misogynistic, racist, greedy Trumpee be our President and a role model for our children.  These people may not like Hillary, but they are smart enough to realize that Trump will be the beginning of an awful end.   In the meantime, doggy-o-mine, stop kicking the furniture and go tell your mommy and her friends to vote for Hillary!

tax-dodgers-pat-bagley-salt-lake-tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering that I am not as confident as I make myself out to be when I’m chatting with my grand-dog in my dreams.   I must confess that it causes me a great deal of concern that we, as Americans, seem to be so delusional as a people (“a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary” according to Webster’s) that Trump is within striking distance of Hillary in the race for the White House.

At the writing of this post, it is 41 days, 3 hours, 40 minutes, and 5 seconds until Election Day, and we stand at a critical point in American history.  ATTENTION ALL WHO HAVE EARS TO HEARThis is not a drill.  This is real life.  Donald Trump showed himself to be an ignorant, petulant bully who cannot control his tweet finger.   I’m sure that most of the Germans who voted for Hitler were very, very sorry as they stood on the rubble of the scorched Earth at the end of WWII, but it was too little, too late.  Not voting is not an option in 41 days.  (Also, IMHO using your vote as a “protest vote” is cute in an alternate universe, but could get skanky pants elected by robbing the legitimate, qualified candidate of the necessary votes and leave you sobbing in your cups like the Brexit voters did a few months ago.)

In the meantime, I’m going to go now and find a good therapist, because the stress of wondering what the outcome really will be with all the delusion that is fogging the air is driving me to drink.

gary-johnson-mike-keefe-cagle-cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Mike Keefe Cagle Cartoons

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INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT DELUSION

“Victims of Trump-induced anxiety describe nightmares, insomnia, digestive problems, and headaches. Therapists find themselves helping their patients through a process that feels less like an election than a national nervous breakdown.”—Michelle Goldberg/Slate (What women really think about news, politics, and culture)

“There’s always an element of self-delusion among people who believe they ought to be President. There’s an underestimation of your opponent and an overestimation of your own abilities. This is compatible with being rich and powerful, the idea that we were blessed by God because we deserve to be blessed.”—Jimmy Carter

 “If the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton revealed anything, it is that she has passed the presidential test — and he hasn’t. Clinton was calm and in command. With a smile on her face, she made the case against Trump on all the hot-button issues: his refusal to reveal his taxes, his advocacy of birtherism, his racism, his sexism and many others. She showed mastery of her brief.”—Max Boot, USA Today, Trump Showed He’s No Commander in Chief

trumps-brain-marian-kemensky-slovakia

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

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WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

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REFERENCES

http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/09/27/trump-clinton-debate-nuclear-codes-commander-in-chief-max-boot/91167896/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/a-lean-toward-clinton-among-one-group-of-undecided-north-carolina-voters/2016/09/27/ff271b2e-8469-11e6-92c2-14b64f3d453f_story.html?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_voters-120pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/27/opinion/campaign-stops/the-lies-trump-told.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=span-abc-region&region=span-abc-region&WT.nav=span-abc-region&_r=0

http://www.rawstory.com/2016/09/this-devastating-video-reveals-how-undecided-voters-reacted-to-trumps-dismal-debate-performance/

http://www.salon.com/2016/09/27/i-say-nothing-trump-refuses-to-apologize-to-african-americans-and-president-obama-for-his-birtherism-during-first-debate/

http://www.salon.com/2016/09/27/donald-trumps-miss-piggy-problem-why-his-criticism-of-alicia-machados-weight-matters/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/clinton-shifts-the-election-in-her-direction/2016/09/27/c0b84950-845d-11e6-a3ef-f35afb41797f_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-c%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.2683a7f1ef8f

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2016/09/trump_induced_anxiety_is_a_real_thing.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on September 28, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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CRAZY-GO-NUTS

Do you know what I discovered this week?  I need a break!  I’m about to lose my mind.  Between all things Trump and trying to write my third book (over halfway finished), I am worn out.   I’m getting hives, I don’t sleep, my blood pressure is climbing, I’ve got a permanent nervous twitch in my left eye, and I am overeating from the stress as if every day was my last meal before Armageddon.   I tried to watch the Olympics to take my mind off my worries, but as the song says, “I felt nothing” during the opening ceremony.

Rio Raw Sewage Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

I don’t know about you, but after the brilliance of the Beijing 2008 and London 2012 opening ceremonies, seeing Rio’s opening ceremony done on a shoe-string budget was vastly underwhelming. Giselle Bundchen, a white, blue-eyed blond German, taking her last long-ass cat walk as one of the top highlights of the night was definitely a huge yawn and slightly agitating.  All I could think about was Brazil’s problems with “whitening” and their issues with miscegenation, and it just made me sad for “the African and Amerindian descendants—many who live in poverty.  I couldn’t set aside the Zika threat that will deform millions of babies in a predominantly Catholic country that is against abortion but squandered any national finances that might help these poor kids, and that the perverse corruption, the pollution, and the vulnerability of our athletes to terror threats all hovered like storm clouds over Rio—the thought of it was too much for me to fully relax.  The world is in such a mess, and watching the Olympics in Rio didn’t make me happy, it just reminded me that our entire Earth is one giant ball of murder, mayhem, and chaos, and there is nowhere to run—nowhere to hide.

Rio Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: The Minneapolis-Star Tribune 

So I pushed aside the dull Olympics (except for Simone Biles—I do so loves me some perfection in motion) and thought about what I really needed to perk up my spirits.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks:  I needed family—I needed me some grandson time!  So I sent my seven-year-old grandson a text and asked him if he’d like to come down for a visit for a couple of weeks.  He said he would love to, especially if he could sleep in his super-hero costume every night, go to Busch Gardens every day, and have lots of pizza, spaghetti, and cookies without interference from The Mother when he came to visit.  I said, “Sure, what are grandmothers for, but to stick it to their daughters as payback for all the grief they caused when they were teenagers!” (Judging from the picture he sent me in response to my text, he was having issues with The Mother that day.)

grandson-as-super-human

Grandson/Photo credit:  K. Tomczyk

Then I started thinking:  wouldn’t it be fabulous to have a family reunion?   To surround myself with what is important in life and to forget about the consummate assholes in our world for a time—from ISIS to Donald Trump.  So I called up my other daughter and her dog, Wednesday Addams, my sister and some extended family and invited them all down next week.

family-reunion

So I’M TAKING A BREAK!  I won’t be blogging for a few weeks, but I’ll be grilling ribs and chicken, baking cakes and pies, playing family games and laughing my ass off while drinking copious wine, as well as suffering through Busch Gardens for the sake of my grandson.  While I’m gone, please keep an eye on things for me—especially that rodent from another planet—Donald Trump.  I am convinced that I feel a shift in the winds of his fortunes, but anything can happen to reverse the tides.   I’m a prayin’ woman, and God don’t like ugly which means I know he’s answering my prayers to crush Trump’s sorry ass.  I don’t want The Donald to simply lose; I want a tsunami to bury his punk-ass and all the ignorant racists who lay claim to him.  This fascist spirit must never rise again!  But it ain’t over yet, so keep watch and stay vigilant.  If things start to get crazier, send me a note or give me a call, and I’ll get back on my knees and start praying again. In the meantime, below are some cartoons to keep you informed regarding the task at hand—defeating Trump.  Should you miss me or you become dismayed at the election mayhem, cut out one of these and paste it on your refrigerator to give you strength and renewed vision.

***

CARTOONS TO LIVE BY WHILE I’M GONE!

SINKING SHIP CARD:  Cards to send to Trump when he officially loses.

August 8, 2016

August 8, 2016

Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News

DAY OF REMEMBERENCE (July 29, 2016) CARD—the day Trump lost the 2016 election: The moment the Kahns challenged Trump’s racism and lack of sacrifice in the memory of their Gold Star son (“Mr. Trump, you’ve sacrificed nothing; you’ve sacrificed no one”), and Trump spent four days attacking the Kahns instead of humbly kneeling in their presence.

Donald Strikes Back at Khan Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons.com

WUSS CARD:  Send every time Trump complains that election is rigged just because he can’t handle losing to a girl.

August 9, 2016

August 9, 2016

Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News

OH, “HELL TO THE NO” CARD:  The day you realize how badly the next generation has been affected by Trump’s racist mouth.

Kids and Politics Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

WORDS MATTER CARD:  To be sent to Trump, his handlers, and apologists who say that Trump’s dog whistle challenge to his 2nd Amendment base to assassinate Hillary Clinton or the Supreme Court judges she picks was a joke.  Let them know in no uncertain terms that “words matter” and those particular words were not only dangerous, but intolerable, and his flippant mouth is going to get somebody killed.  Tell Trump and friends to ask Yigal Amir, Yitzhak Rabin’s (Prime Minister of Israel) assassin whether words matter.  Amir was inspired by the unchecked, heated, political rhetoric to kill Rabin in 1995 for his peace negotiations with Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

Trump the Terrorist John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow Columbia Daily-Tribune, Missouri 

LOCK HIM UP! CARD:  The day you realize that Donald Trump is mentally ill, that Karma is a bitch, and that what goes around comes around—like his campaign rallies shouting about Hillary, “lock her up!”

Trumps sanity Wolverton Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA MOMENT) THIS WEEK

I am discovering that I’m even out of pithy quotes to give you, so I’m leaving you with only a definition.  Whichever presidential candidate fits this shoe, then put it on him and don’t turn your back on him for a New York minute, or he’ll end up kicking you in the ass for four years and counting.

 “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”—Mayo Clinic Staff/Mayo Clinic Website

***

“YOU HAVE SHIT FOR BRAINS, AMERICA” CARD:  The card to send on November 9th to the American electorate who voted for Trump, should he become President.

Day After Trump Gets Elected Randall Enos Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Randall Enos, Cagle Cartoons

***

NOW I’M OFF TO GO SLATHER A BUCKET OF SAUCE ON COPIOUS RACKS OF RIBS AND MAKE A BATHTUB FULL OF POTATO SALAD!  SEE YOU AT THE END OF AUGUST!

XOXOXO—ELEANOR T.

***

MY EXPRESSION WHEN MY WONDERFUL FAMILY ARRIVES TODAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY AND SUNDAY

FAMILY REUNION EXPRESSION

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on August 10, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , ,

#FAKETRUMPINTELLIGENCEBRIEFING

Do you know what I discovered this week?  When the area of the country you live in has a heat index of 126 degrees Fahrenheit for several days running, and the air conditioning gives out in your house and you feel like a piece of barbecued meat—when you call your heating and air company and they say “take a number”—all you can do is lay down on the floor in front of a mediocre fan praying that you haven’t been condemned to Hell without your knowledge.

Weather Luojie China Daily China

Used by permission:  Luojie, China Daily China/Cagle Cartoons

There is very little that you can do in those circumstances except lie on the floor butt naked in front of a fan that your husband suddenly discovers in the basement (which makes you realize once again why you love this man so much!) and watch the Democratic Convention while sipping on ice-packed gin and tonics also provided by WW (White and Wonderful).

Call me crazy, or maybe it was the heat, the alcohol, or the slightly feverish delirium I experienced from it all, but I got up off the floor at the end of the DNC week totally in the tank for Hillary.  (Of course, my shouts of “I’M WITH HER!” I’M WITH HER!” were mingled with happy tears and kisses for the rather rotund air conditioning man who finally fixed my HVAC unit at 10:00 p.m. that night.  P.S. Clothes were donned before answering the door, in case your little nasty minds “went there.”)

But before my AC angel showed up, I preened with pride over Michelle Obama’s speech—the best convention speech EVER (try and steal that one Melania).  When President Obama spoke, I choked up with gratitude (and pride!) at the honor of having had such a fabulously intelligent, gracious, dignified, and unifying leader as President Obama when he said:  “. . .  I see Americans of every party, every background, every faith who believe that we are stronger together – black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American; young and old; gay, straight, men, women, folks with disabilities, all pledging allegiance, under the same proud flag, to this big, bold country that we love.”   I “went to church” with the Rev. William Barber as he preached his fiery sermon to America that we become the “moral defibrillators” of our time (did y’all see people gettin’ “the Holy Ghost” in that convention hall?).  But most of all, I sobbed uncontrollably at the speech and humility of Ghazala and Khizr Khan whose Muslim son—Humayun Khan, a 27-year-old Army captain—sacrificed his life for his troops and for my ability to go about my life in peace, safety, and air conditioning.  When Mr. Khan looked straight into the camera and said to the Muslim-hating, Muslim-banning, S.O.B Donald Trump, “You have sacrificed nothing; you have sacrificed no one,” and The Donald’s immediate reaction was to trash Mr. Kahn’s heartfelt speech and mock his wife’s painful silence—a mother so overcome with grief she could hardly stand—I knew that it was time to make a choice and take a stand against the primal, heartless, disgusting evil in our midst that was trying to become our next President.

TRUMP the CLOWN Dario Castillejos Diario La Crisis

Used by permission: Dario Castillejos, Diario La Crisis/Cagle Cartoons

As cold air wafted around my body and brought down my fever (I’m not shittin’ you—I actually caught a nasty cold from my journey into no-air-con purgatory), I discovered I had missed a couple dozen stories about Trump’s angry response to the constant thrashing he got by the DNC.  He invited Russia to commit espionage by hacking into the emails of his opponent (“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing,” Trump said on one occasion and then shortly after he said, “They [the Russians] probably have them. I’d like to have them released.”)  At the same time I was catching up on all this treasonous news, I realized, along with Harry Reid and a few others, that both the candidates would receive their first top secret briefings at some point in the near future.   I was horrified at the thought of The Donald getting anywhere near our national secrets given his alleged connections with the Russians, until Harry Reid suggested The Donald be given a “fake security briefing,” until we got to the bottom of Trump’s Russian money connection (RELEASE YOUR GOD-DAMN TAX RETURNS, DONALD!).  I thought that was a fabulous idea.  Others thought so too, and the hashtag “FAKE TRUMP INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING” started trending on Twitter in the midst of The Donald’s protests that he was “just kidding guys”—“just being sarcastic.”  I don’t know about you, but Trump’s excuse of sarcasm made what he did—inviting a foreign government to commit espionage against us—even more appalling.  If he should become the President, what happens if China pisses him off and he pushes “The Button?”  When China is obliterated off the face of the Earth because of The Donald’s narcissistic petulance, I don’t think the world will accept an “Oops, I was just kidding, guys!”—least of all 1.357 billion dead Chinese people.

Being Sarcastic RJ Matson CagleCartoons com

Used by permission: RJ Matson, CagleCartoons.com

So I joined in the Twitter chorus of #FAKE TRUMP INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING, because this maniac cannot—must not—know our national secrets.  To do so would be at our peril.  I don’t have a Twitter account because I can’t be trusted not to turn into a Donald Trump (I need space in between my anger and communication access to the world), but I thought I’d list some of the fake things the CIA security briefer could tell The Donald and still keep our nation safe.  Hope you’re listening CIA.

***

#FAKE TRUMP INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING

By fake CIA Intelligence Agent

“Good morning, Sir.  I’ve been assigned to be your intelligence briefing agent.  I’ve gathered together all of the latest U.S. intelligence of the highest form to make sure you are fully prepared for the days ahead.  First and foremost: Your code name is ‘Orangutan’ and your wife’s code name is ‘Fembot.’  When you hear your secret service say something like, ‘Orangutan’ and ‘Fembot’ are in the house or ‘Orangutan’ and ‘Fembot’ just left the building, you’ll know that we are referencing you and Mrs. Trump.

“Now our first order of business is to confirm that the Russians did indeed hack the DNC email server.  In fact, they sent two of their top agents to do so:   Boris Badenov (pronounced ‘bad enough’) and Natasha Fatale.  Everyone thought that Boris and Natasha went underground and had died at the end of the Cold War, but Mr. Putin resurrected them to do his dastardly deeds against America.  We’ve been on their trail for over a year now and thanks to Wikipedia have acquired quite a bit of intel on them.  Part of our first briefing to you is to let you know that you cannot trust Vladimir Putin no matter what your previous association with him has been because he is actively running (spy word for utilizing) Boris and Natasha.

“Boris refers to himself as the ‘world’s greatest no-goodnik.’  He and Natasha are still stationed in Pottslyvania—what was once thought of as a fake east-European country—but it has come to our attention that Pottslyvania is actually the code name for Moscow. Boris and Natasha report directly to ‘Fearless Leader’ and ‘Mr. Big’ who is none other than your pal—you guessed it—Vladimir Putin.  

“Unlike yourself, Sir, Boris is a vain man and his greatest claim to fame is an autographed picture from his Fearless Leader which says: ‘Drop Dead — Signed: Fearless Leader!’  I’ve got to tell you, Sir—this sounds just like the Vlady the CIA has come to know and loathe.

“According to Wikipedia, Boris was educated in U.S.C. (the University of Safecracking)—what we spies like to call the precursor to your Trump University.  Boris graduated ‘magna cum louse’ which means we’re dealing with no dummy here.  The CIA has ascertained that the best weapon we can bring against Boris and Natasha are our best and brightest agents:  Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose.  Both Squirrel and Moose (as Boris likes to refer to them) have been in seclusion since the end of the Cold War, and they are itching to get back to work again.  If I must say so myself, Sir:  desperate times call for desperate means. The CIA feels that we should summon them ASAP to deal with this notorious spy and to free you from the libelous claims that you flirted with treason when you invited the Russians to hack and find emails that would destroy your opponent.  We know you were just kidding, Sir, but we also suspect that Boris Badenov was behind the original hacking of the DNC email server and we need to prove it ASAP.

spying on DNC RJ Matson Roll Call

Used by permission:  RJ Matson Roll Call/Cagle Cartoons

“In conclusion, you will need to know how to recognize Boris if he should slip into one of your campaign rallies. He is a short tubby guy who always wears the classic spy outfit (black fedora and trench coat) and never leaves Natasha Fatale’s side (she looks like Mrs. Trump (a.k.a. ‘Fembot’) with black hair).   Boris has never given up his membership in the Local 12 of the Villains, Thieves, and Scoundrels Union, and one of his tell-tale words is ‘Raskolnikov’ which references the novel Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. By the way, Sir, we know you don’t read books, so don’t panic; we will read it so you don’t have to in order to further understand the master spy mind of Boris.  And to show you the level of depravity we’re dealing with here, the spy, Boris Badenov is still a member of the Van Gogh Society, which is a Pottsylvanian club whose members collect human ears.  This little dude is no joke, Sir!

“One final note, if during your travels you hear a little short guy who looks like Danny Devito with a mustache and a Russian accent utter the words, ‘Natasha, next time I get fiendish plan, do me big favor?’ or his most definitive phrase, ‘Sharrup my mouth,” you must contact the CIA immediately because you will be in imminent danger.

“Thank you, Sir, for your time.  Next week you will be briefed on the fact that there was never a moon landing—in fact, there is really no moon.  It is a Hollywood prop.”

Fake CIA briefing used in accordance with Creative Commons licensing http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

The 1959-1964 animated cartoons Rocky and His Friends and The Bullwinkle Show collectively refer to as The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Use of this material does not indicate endorsement of the author’s views by the licensor.

***

Endorsements Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA MOMENT) ABOUT #I’M WITHHER

I am discovering that most definitely “#I’MWITHHER!”  No matter what her flaws (I’m beginning to think that most of her perceived failures are 30-years of ginned-up hatred by the right-wing conservative party), she is a gazillion times more qualified, smarter, better educated, and more humane than her opponent.  I also think she loves America very much. Plus, I ain’t gonna lie—I love the fact that a qualified woman has finally broken the glass ceiling to the Oval Office. It gave me chills when Hillary won the Democratic nomination (now it may have been the air conditioning returning, but I still got chills).

In an ideal world, we’d have a plethora of candidates to choose from, no obscene Citizens United funds PAC funding polical campaigns, no billionaires fronting candidates, and no lobbyists—period.  But we are living in the real world, and some of our fellow citizens (especially right-wing Evangelicals who seemed to have traded their trust in God for power, influence, and fame) are positioning themselves to elect an unfeeling, unthinking, narcissistic, lying, clueless maniac to lead our coutry and influence the rest of the world.  Can you say WWIII? In the meantime, I would like to think that Susan B. Anthony and Martin Luther King, Jr. did a fist bump in Heaven when President Obama and Hillary hugged each other on stage at the convention the other night after he so eloquently said:  “ . . . if you’re serious about our democracy, you can’t afford to stay home just because she might not align with you on every issue. You’ve got to get in the arena with her, because democracy isn’t a spectator sport. America isn’t about ‘yes he will.’  It’s about ‘yes we can.’  And we’re going to carry Hillary to victory this fall, because that’s what the moment demands.” 

I’d like to add that democracy is not a reality show.

Clinton Convention Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“I learned that leadership is about falling in love with the people and the people falling in love with you. It is about serving the people with selflessness, with sacrifice, and with the need to put the common good ahead of personal interests.”—Joyce Banda

“No decisions should ever be made without asking the question, is this for the common good?”—Michael Moore

“Too many politicians are shifting the critical themes of our national conversations from a ‘big ideas’ American Brand Platform to narrowly focused, polarizing sound bites that put party philosophy before what used to be heralded as the common good. These ideas, more often than not, divide us rather than serve to bind us.”—Alan Siegel

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com

headlines you won't see David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle Cartoons

 WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/backlash-for-trump-after-he-lashes-out-at-the-muslim-parents-of-a-dead-us-soldier/2016/07/30/34b0aad4-5671-11e6-88eb-7dda4e2f2aec_story.html?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trumpclinton-7pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jul/30/donald-trump-muslim-father-khizr-khan-democratic-convention-speech

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/harry-reid-trump-fake-briefings_us_57991916e4b01180b5317f6e

http://www.cnn.com/2016/07/28/opinions/obama-passes-torch-begala/index.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/07/28/the-rev-william-barber-dropped-the-mic/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_fix-barber-1215am%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/candidates-poised-for-classified-briefings-despite-spy-agency-worries-over-trump/2016/07/28/865cd686-5500-11e6-bbf5-957ad17b4385_story.html?hpid=hp_special-topic-chain_briefing-850pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2016/07/29/why-hillary-clinton-is-both-widely-disliked-and-widely-admired/?hpid=hp_regional-hp-cards_rhp-card-posteverything%3Ahomepage%2Fcard

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on July 31, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

LET’S ALL PANIC AND ABANDON OUR VALUES

Do you know what I am discovering?  It is so good to be Queen!  I’ve got to tell you, my husband and I retired to paradise.  Lawd, have mercy, it is exquisite. I didn’t know that there were places like this on Earth.  Everything is simply perfect—at least now it is.  You see, in the beginning, I had a bit of a problem with foreign entities coming over the border (the nature preserve my property backs up to) and terrorizing my lawn and landscaping, which I paid a pretty penny for.  I’ve shelled out hundreds of dollars to fight terrorism from moles, voles, rabbits, and deer, but to no avail.  Then one day, I was listening to some of the GOP candidates, a chancellor of a Christian college, and the attorney of the cop who executed a Black teenager in Chicago, and I realized that they (Trump, Carson, and Huckabee especially, and the bad cop in particular) were onto a weapon of warfare that was ingenious:  keep broadcasting fear until the American voter panics in sheer terror, succumbs to the will of the fear mongers, abandons all his or her so-called Judeo-Christian values, and makes decisions from a fear-based rationale!  Can we all shout:  “HALLELUJAH?”

Replacing Fear with Gratitude John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

Of course!  Why hadn’t I thought of this tactic as a way to eradicate the terrorists on my land?  I’m not saying that all moles, voles, rabbits, and deer are terrorists, but enough of them are to warrant ruthless measures against the entire animal kingdom.  (Although, I must say that I’d been taught to always disdain moles in particular, and that “the only good mole was a dead mole.”)  Besides, desperate times call for desperate means, and I didn’t spend my hard-earned savings on my retirement Shangri-La to have it overrun by these foreigners.

I’d tried saner means:  I’ve used pickle juice, castor oil, bleach, red pepper, juicy fruit gum, and even human hair balls to keep them off my property, but to no avail.  I even tried to bribe my next door neighbor’s cat with fancier cat food than what he normally gets to come and patrol my grounds, but he blew me off.  I would have tried more diabolical methods (broken glass, razor blades, and explosives in the soil), however, my homeowner’s association frowns upon such tactics.  But when I discovered I could broadcast fear through battery-powered ultrasonic devices and vibrators strategically implanted in my golf course perfect lawn, I won the day!  These instruments of terror constantly and consistently emit high pitched noises that sound like the screams of a vole/mole/rabbit’s worst enemies causing them to be in a constant state of agitation until they are driven back in terror.

BOOH-RAH!  THANK YOU, JESUS!  I HAVE WON THE DAY!

Fear of Martians Trump Taylor Jones,El Nuevo Dia Puerto Rico

Cartoon used by permission: Taylor Jones, El Nuevo, Dia Puerto Rico

Feeling quite smug and very proud of myself, I retired for the evening and promptly began to dream.  I dreamt of a gathering of animals deep in the woodlands behind my house.  There were a couple moles and voles, a few rabbits, several snakes, two buzzards, and an owl who seemed to be their leader. It appeared to be some type of resistance movement, and pictures of me were plastered all over the trees that encircled them.

[A rather large owl is seen pounding a stick against a tree stump directly in front of him]

OWL:  “Order!  Let’s all come to order.  We have a lot to accomplish tonight before the first light of day, and we have to go back into hiding.  We are being terrorized by the worst sort of enemy—a born-again Christian who has abandoned her values.  Where the Great God, who created us all, has commanded in scripture that man take dominion over the Earth (as in take care of the Earth and its creatures, which includes not polluting the land), the owner of this bit of Earth has taken it to mean ‘use any means necessary to torment those less fortunate or powerless in order to have an enviable lawn and property.’  Her tactics have brought trauma on all our friends, relatives, and neighbors. It appears that she is being greatly influenced by the fear tactics of a human group called the GOP, which surprises me.  I thought she had abandoned that group years so.  Anyway, before we can work out our strategy against this homeowner (who refuses to share her resources as Christ commands), we need to have a trial.  I call Keisha the Mole as the first witness.  Keisha, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

KEISHA THE MOLE:  “I do, your Owlness.”

OWL:  “Then let us proceed.  Little Keisha, you are the last one of your tunnel hood.  All your relatives have been obliterated or run off to internment camps.  Can you tell us what happened in your own words?”

KEISHA THE MOLE:  “Well, you see what had happened was, my family used to live in the hood called the Wilderness Preserve for hundreds of years, but then a nasty-ass ruler came into power.  His name be Land Developer, and he cut down a lot of our wooded lots where I grew up.  The lady blogger bought a house on one of those lots, and we had no choice but to venture onto her property to get food and shelter ‘cause our homesteads were being systematically destroyed.  A lot of us were homeless, and many of us was hungry.”

OWL:  “What about the stories we’ve been hearing about your youth being gunned down in the streets by keepers of the law?”

KEISHA THE MOLE:  “Well, Missy Landowner say it ‘cause she fears us.  I heard her talkin’ to her sista on the phone one day when she was catchin’ the breeze on her screened in porch, and she was pleadin’ with her sister to bring up her BB gun from South Carolina when she come for Christmas.  Said she was the law here and she’d shoot to kill every goddamn mole she saw and claim it was ‘cause she feared for her life.”

Fear for my life Milt Priggee www miltpriggee com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com

OWL:  “All right Miss Keisha, you can step down now.  The court calls to the witness stand a Mr. Orlando Vole.  Mr. Vole, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

VOLE: “I do your Honor.”

OWL:  “Then you may proceed.

O. VOLE:  “Before I begin, I need to correct the record.  My name is Dr. Orlando Bloom Vole.  I have two PhD’s:  one in animal husbandry and one in human psychology.  I have been observing humans for many years, and it hasn’t been this bad for a long, long time—not since the dark days of lynching in the South.  It is as if human hearts have hardened toward each other as well as the Earth that sustains them.  I travel far and wide through the tunnels my cousins the moles have provided across Virginia, and yesterday I sat in on a student/faculty meeting at Liberty University—a Christian place of learning which claims to be raising up the next generation of leaders.  I heard the Chancellor tell thousands of 18 – 22 year-olds to start packing heat so that if “the Muslims” show up at Liberty, his students and faculty would teach them a lesson.  Jerry Falwell, Jr. said:  ‘I’ve always thought if more good people had concealed carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in.’  The audience cheered.”

Pat Robertson Hate Ratings

Pat Robertson—a champion of the Religious Right, Founder of Christian Broadcasting Network

OWL:  “Immature College kids packing heat on a college campus.  What could possibly go wrong with that scenario?  Oy vez mir!”

VOLE: “My point is, your Honor, where is the love? If so many of the Christians in this great country of ours have no compassion or restraint toward each other, than the Earth and all of its animal inhabitants are toast. It is as their great book says: ‘In the end of days, man’s love for one another will grow cold.’  Your Honor, it is my opinion that the Conservative Evangelical Christian community has allowed their fears to destroy their values.

OWL:  “Thank you, Dr. Vole.  Informative as always.  And now to our final witness.  Would John Deer come up and take the stand?  Is John Deer in the house?  Has anyone seen John Deer?”

[There is a great commotion in the trees, and much flurry and wing flapping as a giant buzzard lands in the gathering of the animal caucus.] 

OWL:  “Whooooooo goes there?”

LB:  “It’s me, your Honor—Lionel Buzzard.  I’ve come on behalf of John Deer.  He is no longer with us, but before he had a heart attack due to the terror he suffered at the hands of said blogger, he asked that I read a statement to the court on his behalf.”

OWL:  “Proceed.”

LB:  “’I, John Deer, being of sound mind but full of fear and angish wish to encourage my fellow friends and neighbors to speak up about the great terrorization brought upon them by the new land owner, Eleanor the Blogger, before it is too late.  I didn’t speak up, and I regret it.  First Eleanor, the Blogger came for the Moles, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Mole.  Then she came for the Voles, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Vole. Then she came for the Rabbits, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Rabbit. Then she came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.  Speak up, my friends.  SPEAK UP FOR THE REFUGEE, SPEAK UP FOR THE DISENFRANCHISED, THE POOR, THE VOICELESS—SPEAK, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!’”

Thanksgiving I John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission:  John Darkow, Columbia Daily-Tribune, Missouri/Cagle Cartoons

***

I woke up the next morning extremely out of sorts.  As I sipped my morning coffee while surveying my ornament laden, mole, vole, and deer-free lawn from my office window, I noticed a poster on a stick in the middle of the lit lawn decorations.  As I adjusted my binoculars to get a better view, a chill went down my spine, and I knew life would never be the same.

“MOLE LIVES MATTER!

THIS MEANS WAR, BITCH!!”

Refugees Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: The Columbus Dispatch/Cagle Cartoons

***

I am discovering that if God returned to Earth today, he’d be really pissed.  Everything that is going on in the Earth is a test for humanity.  Can’t anybody else see that the answer to the test is love, compassion, grace, and mercy—not more guns?  We’ve had these tests before, and we humans have summarily failed them because we let fear motivate our actions or render us ineffective.  When Hitler came to power, the mostly Christian nation (96% Lutheran and Catholic) of Germany reacted in fear against their Jewish friends and neighbors and the annihilation of 6 million Jews shortly followed.  (When the USA had a chance to take in Jewish refugees, we refused to loosen our stringent immigration laws because we were afraid the Germans would slip in with them—so we said.  Personally, I think it was outright anti-Semitism.)   When the KKK ruled the South during the Jim Crow era in America, lynching and slaughtering Black folks for sport (from ten-year-olds to ninety-year olds), just because we wanted to be treated like human beings, caused most Whites—good church-going people—to turn their backs on our plight.  (Have you noticed that all KKK members have always been White, male, and predominately Christians [thus the burning cross to terrorize its victims], and yet our politicians and history books have never, ever declared the KKK as American home-grown terrorists and smeared the entire White, male, Christian race with a terrorist paint brush—those “Christian extremists”?)  Then why are we listening to politicians and religious leaders who are painting the entire Muslim religion with a terrorist brush, pushing us into fear and toward mass hatred and potential mass murder?  All religions have cults—the KKK is a Christian cult; ISIS and its many derivatives are Muslim cults.  A cult by definition is a group of people who try to instill their will on the non-compliant via force.

And don’t even get me started on American slavery . . .

Family of Man:  this is a test, a very important test.  We have failed it before . . . please, let’s not fail this test again.  I know we must protect ourselves (as we should)—I’m not an idiot.  But it can be done without losing our humanity.  If it can’t, than screw this concept that “we are a Christian nation,” and let’s do whatever the hell we want—because, Baby, this ain’t what Jesus would do.

***

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—

 Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—

 Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—

 Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Pastor Martin Niemöller (1892–1984)

A Protestant pastor and social activist in Nazi Germany.

Imprisoned by the Nazi regime (June 27, 1937)

(No animals were hurt in the making of this tale.  In fact, I could swear that I saw a rabbit give me the finger as a mole hitched a ride on the rabbit’s back at dusk to check out my new Christmas lawn ornaments—not to mention the herd of deer (8 at last count) who calmly sashayed past my office window, chomping down on my newly revitalized plants while they dared me to come out and mess with them.)

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REFERENCES

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/12/04/politicians-need-to-ditch-their-inflammatory-rhetoric.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/fear-faith-and-the-rise-of-ben-carson/2015/11/30/3a94c1d2-93a9-11e5-a2d6-f57908580b1f_story.html?hpid=hp_hp-top-table-main_carsonsupporter-910pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-is-a-bigot-and-a-racist/2015/12/01/a2a47b96-9872-11e5-8917-653b65c809eb_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-e%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.cnn.com/2015/12/05/us/liberty-university-urges-armed-students/index.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/ben-carson-syrian-refugees-jordan_565db798e4b08e945fec829f

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/aryeh-neier/syrian-refugees_b_8690014.html

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Posted by on December 6, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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