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Tag Archives: Political Humor

ARE YOU YOUR BROTHER’S KEEPER—YOU BET YOUR SORRY ASS, YOU ARE!

Cartoon used by permission: Mask mandate by Bruce Plante, Tulsa World

My pandemic body and mind are messing with my dreams.  In most of my dreams, I’m trying to escape from a frighteningly amorphous “unidentifiable something,” but at other times I have alternate-world movie-dreams that are crystal clear in which I wish would come true (like I’m 30 years old, look like Halle Berry, have the voice of Audra McDonald, and can eat anything I want).  I think these dreams or nightmares have a lot to do with the news I’ve consumed during the day mixed with what I’ve eaten for dinner and how soon I fall asleep after said consumption.

Last night I made the most amazing Keto lasagna sans pasta with extra, extra cheese (keep in mind that I’m lactose intolerant), hot Italian sausage, eggplant slices, and the perfect marinara sauce.  It was the kind of ooey-gooey pleasure that you just know will create demons of indigestion exploding from your butt at the pitch and rhythm of Army taps while setting your esophagus on fire straight up from your tummy to your hair follicles, as visions of cheese balls dance in your head.

I went to bed much too early following my sumptuous repast, but a massive thunderstorm (keep in mind that I am deathly afraid of thunderstorms) settled over my house and rather than pace the floor in terror like a traumatized puppy, I plugged in my sound machine and my iPod featuring endless Barbra Streisand songs, and promptly fell asleep. So it was that I dreamt of a land where the MAGA Christians suddenly woke up as if from a nightmare and all simultaneously burned their red hats in massive bonfires across the land in exchange for bracelets that bore the initials WWJD: What Would Jesus Do?

Cartoon used by permission: 240874  Masks a miracle cure by Dave Whamond Canada PoliticalCartoons com

“Ooh, ooh, ooh, I know,” said one very White Evangelical Christian. “Jesus would wear a mask during these times, even as he preached, and be a leader who set an example of the right thing to do for the good of all the people. After all, it was Jesus who said: ‘The second most important command is this: Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself.’”

Another White Evangelical WWJD bracelet wearer chimed in with a Bible verse of love that she seemed to have learned long ago but had forgotten until her head was set free from the tyranny of the MAGA hat—”I am positive that Jesus would wear a mask at all times and encourage all his followers to do so because he said: ‘I can guarantee this truth: Whatever you did for one of my brothers or sisters, no matter how unimportant they seemed, you did for me.'”

“Jiminy-Crickets, why don’t we show America how it should be done?” said a White Evangelical grandma.  “Sugar, we should all wear masks to protect our fellow human beings—our neighbors—our countrymen because wasn’t it Jesus who said: ‘So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.’”

The dream was so sweet and hopeful. Just when I was feeling all kumbaya in my alternate world, a thunder clap woke me at 3:00 a.m. and slammed me back into the real world. It sounded as if the Earth split in half.  Unable to get back to my happy place dream, I got out of bed, made myself a cup of tea, and checked the news feed on my phone:

“The one area where white evangelicals fall far behind? Mask wearing. A white evangelical under the age of 35 is 13 percentage points less likely to wear a mask in public than the same age group in the general population (58.7% vs. 71.8%).”—Christianity Today.

“…in America, not wearing a mask has become a political statement — and it’s a statement increasingly being made by avowedly devout Christians.”—Anthea Butler/Think

Cartoon used by permission: 241088 Maskless Bob by Monte Wolverton Battle Ground WA

Unable to go back to sleep, I googled what MAGA folks (80% of them Evangelical Christians) were doing to save the most vulnerable among us. Maybe my dream was prophetic.  Maybe they would ignore their toddler king and do the right thing—once and for all.  But what I found of their reported actions was not WWJD but WWSD: What Would Satan Do?

“I got every fuckin’ right to not wear a mask,” said a Costco customer who was asked to leave the store for not obeying their rule of “no entry without a face mask.”

Security guard (father of eight) at a Michigan Dollar Store was killed after he asked a woman to leave the store for not wearing a mask.  She left and then returned with her husband and her son and shot him dead.

Old man in a Dollar Store rubbed his snotty nose and rheumy face on the shirt of a store employee just for spite after she asked him to put on a face mask.

The Utah County Commission postponed a meeting on masks after scores of protesters packed the room—wall to wall—without wearing masks as a massive human “FU” to the commission’s mere discussion of wearing masks to protect their neighbors (isn’t this Mormon country?).

A female clerk was punched in the face three times when she told a male customer she couldn’t sell him cigarettes unless he put on a mask.

Georgia governor (anti-mask Trump sycophant) started a mask war against Atlanta’s mayor (pro-mask wearing Covid-19 survivor) by suing the mayor and the city council when the mayor requested all citizens of Atlanta wear masks to protect their family, friends, and neighbors.

Cartoon used by permission: 239371 Face Masks by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT

“What a world!  What a world! What a world!” I groaned.  Before I knew it, the sun had risen and my husband strolled into the kitchen for breakfast.  After kissing me good morning, he asked, “So how’s your ass?”

“What? How’s my ass? That’s a weird question,” I replied. 

“No, it isn’t.  I’ve been awake since 3:00 a.m. because you let off the loudest fart I’ve ever heard.  Not only was it loud but it seemed endless. (Don’t even get me started on the smell.)  In fact, I didn’t know that such a powerful sound could come out of a human being’s butt. Isn’t your a-hole in excruciating pain? I am amazed you’re able to sit on your bottom.”

“That was not a fart at 3:00 a.m., that was a massive thunder clap from the heavens,” I said.

“It was a massive thunder clap all right—straight out of your ass. It woke me up.  I half expected to look up and see you floating at the top of the bedroom ceiling.  If that had been the case, I have no idea how I would have gotten you down.  You know it was that double-cheese, veggie Keto lasagna, in case anyone is in doubt, Ms. Lactose-intolerant Lady.  So for the sake of your ass and your fellow-man (a.k.a. your husband), you might want to put that recipe on the trash heap marked: ‘The end of ET’s love affair with cheese.’  After all, what did Jesus say: ‘So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them…’  Time to give up the cheese, Babe!”

Cartoon used by permission: 240662 The End Is Near by Rick McKee CagleCartoons com

“At long last, we have made a truly game-changing scientific breakthrough in preventing the spread of COVID-19.  We have found a disease-control tool that, when used properly, can reduce transmission by somewhere between 50% and 85%.  The tool is cheap and remarkably low-tech.  You can even make one at home.” —The Power of Masks by Gavin Yamey/Time magazine

Cartoon used by permission: 239295 Mask Hamlet by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune MN

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on July 25, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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SNAPSHOTS FROM THE CORONAVIRUS EDGE

“Over more than two centuries, the United States has stirred a very wide range of feelings in the rest of the world: love and hatred, fear and hope, envy and contempt, awe and anger.  But there is one emotion that has never been directed towards the US until now: pity.”– Fintan O’Toole/Irish Times

Cartoon used by permission: 238269 Quack Prez by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star, Tribune MN

I haven’t blogged in weeks.  I can’t.  I’m in a state of shock!  I’ve been frozen in place like Lot’s wife ever since I heard Trump announce that I could blast my insides with ultra-violet light and drench my innards with bleach, Lysol, and the likes of 409 Multi-surface cleaner to cure myself of COVID-19 should I unfortunately come down with the virus.  I can’t say my response to Trump’s inane declaration loudly enough that has been careening through my head for days on end:  WHAT THE FUCK!?!

Cartoon used by permission: 238543 Trump Wacky Package by Dave Whamond, Canada PoliticalCartoons.com

It is clear that a madman dwells in the White House, and not only is he trying to kill me, but his ineptitude in handling this pandemic is making me disoriented and possibly mentally ill.  I noticed it just the other day.  A series of unfortunate events happened last week that make me wonder if President Trump, along with polluting TV Land, has released a “mental virus” in the water and the air that will slowly drive us all crazy as we self-isolate, scurrying to and fro behind our masks, so he can dismantle our government brick by brick without much resistance. 

PHOTO CREDIT: E. Tomczyk/Coronavirus Times

PANDEMIC POOPS

Something has happened to my bowels.  I can’t stop shitting my pants when I hear Trump’s voice, read what idiotic things Trump says, or think/talk about Trump.  It’s like clockwork.  Trump opens his mouth, I feel the need to poop.

According to Kate Bratskeir of Huffington Post:

 “If you’ve noticed changes in your bowel movements over the past month or so, you might be wondering why this biological function—that often comes like clockwork—has decided to get weird.”

She says I “might be experiencing what we can call nothing else besides a ‘pandemic poop.’”

(Shit!)

Cartoon used by permission: 238263 Quack in chief by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian

I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY, ONE TWO THREE FOUR GOING CRAZY…

It’s been eight weeks since the shutdown, and I noticed that I have what some doctors are calling quarantine fatigue accompanied by coronavirus anxiety.  It is affecting me in all manner of ways—especially my memory.  I never know what day it is from sunup to sundown except for Friday.  That’s when the garbage man comes.  If it’s garbage day, it must be Friday.  If my garbage man should go on strike in the future, I’ll be screwed.  A psychologist friend thinks it is because I no longer do anything to bookend my days or break up my week.  I am in a constant loop of the same ol’ same ol’…

It keeps getting worse.

Ten days ago I did some cleaning and gardening. I took off my wedding rings so that they wouldn’t get damaged. Yesterday I realized I never put my rings back on.  When I went to do so, I couldn’t remember which hand wedding rings are worn on.  I had to resort to the best solution I knew to find the answer:  “GOOGLE: WHAT HAND IS THE CORRECT ONE TO WEAR WEDDING RINGS?” 

OMG!!  (You know the first thought that crossed my mind, right?)

A sympathetic friend told me that what I was experiencing was not Alzheimer’s—it was just coronavirus anxiety.  She said, if I was coming down with Alzheimer’s, I wouldn’t have remembered what the rings were for in the first place or that I was even married.  That was a good thing because shortly after speaking with her my husband walked into the room and wondered why my wedding rings were sitting on the counter and not on my finger.  Oy.

I blame it all on Trump.  I had just watched the morning news and watched him push three conspiracy theories and underscore four of his hate tweets against anyone who spoke truth. If he had not failed at his job from the very beginning (too much golf, watching the news, and rage tweeting), I would have been playing canasta with my gal pals (if it’s canasta it must be Monday) and known what finger my rings should be on because I could have simply glanced at my canasta partner’s hand.

Cartoon used by permission: 238383 Normal longing by David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star Tucson, AZ

I MISS MY BABIES AND MY BABY’S BABY

We are supposed to have a family reunion July 4th weekend in Seattle. I don’t think it’s going to happen. I know it isn’t. One coronavirus model shows a leap to 200,000 infections/3,000 deaths a day by June. I haven’t cancelled the plane flights yet, but it is inevitable we won’t go. It will be too risky to travel on a plane that far—especially as a vulnerable COVID-19 individual (this monster is disproportionately eating up Black lives as if we were a lion’s afternoon snack). I “Zoom” with my children and grandson most every week, and I know I should be grateful. I find myself clinging to their every word and sad when the Zooming ends. If we miss a week, I seem to slip into a mild depression. Their effervescent laughter makes my heart percolate and rejuvenates me. Normally, I am really grateful for the technology that can put us face-to-face, but as Mother’s Day approaches I guess I am painfully aware that I haven’t hugged my babies and they haven’t hugged me since last year. It hurts—it really hurts. (Who ever thought hugs would become one of the most precious and sacred gifts in the world.) What is even worse is that I haven’t kissed and hugged my grandson since Christmas. In our “new normal,” how long will it be before we can all be together as a family? What if one of us gets struck down by COVID-19 between our Zoom sessions? My heart breaks in missing and longing for my family—to sit with them, to hold them, to snuggle with them, to kiss their precious faces, to stroke their hair.

But then my God reminds me…

The hearts of the mothers of the nurses and doctors who have died fighting the good fight on the front lines of the coronavirus on our behalf would give anything to “Zoom” with their kids just one more time.  Of the 70,000+ Americans who have passed from this horrid pandemic, if their mothers are still alive, I know their hearts are breaking beyond belief this Mother’s Day.  The “new normal” for these mothers is something that I can’t even begin to fathom.

So I will stop whining and wait patiently for the kids to Zoom me this weekend.  (Oh yeah, if the kids are Zooming me, it must be Sunday—it must be Mother’s Day.)

Cartoon used by permission: 238635 Mother s Day 2020 by Dave Whamond, Canada PoliticalCartoons.com

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival:  “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Cartoon used by permission: 238389 Patron St. of Hopeless Presidents by David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star Tucson, AZ

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on May 6, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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GIFTS OF HUMOR IN A HUMORLESS TIME

I’ve always been a human being who could find humor in the worst of situations and times, which is one of the reasons I think my childhood did not drive me mad.  This week, as I mourned a friend who had passed from the coronavirus and prayed for two of my friends and two of my enemies who were stricken by this curse, one of the tools that helped me through the morass was finding humor in unexpected places.  Like receiving my carefully planned and expensive DIY pedicure equipment from Amazon (complete with top grade foot soaker and massager and lavender-scented Epsom salts) only to discover I can no longer reach my feet due to my 71-year-old chubby-ass body.  A bougie problem, I know!  Nevertheless it is a problem for me since my husband has not volunteered to give me a pedicure and probably never will.  We’ve all been affected by this pandemic, whether by mere inconvenience or debilitating loss—personally and financially.  Obviously, I’m still in the “inconvenienced” category by the grace of God.  I know this.  I am grateful, but I still need to laugh or I’ll turn into a ball of rage because I blame everything from my friend’s death to my inability to maintain my diva nails and toes on one person and one person only:  Donald J. (“I don’t take any responsibility”) Trump!

Cartoon used by permission: 237420 Incompetent Trump by Bob Englehart PoliticalCartoons com

As I contemplated the absurdity of having seven out of my ten throbbing fingernails wrapped in Band-Aids (the result of trying to perform a DIY acrylic nail removal which gave birth to four punctured fingers and three torn nail beds), my sister-in-law sent me a list of coronavirus laugh lines entitled “Effects of the Coronavirus.”  Actually, she got them from her husband who was sent them by his old college roommate, but when I Googled them the published source turned out to be Chuck and Anne Norwood from The Laurinburg Exchange in Scotland County, North Carolina.  Chuck and Anne say these coronavirus laugh lines are not originally from them but were sent in by a reader who collected them from God knows where.  If these coronavirus quotes turn out to be the brain children of some of America’s gazillion wonderful comedians, please forgive me for not giving you the proper credit…blame it on the COVID-19 insanity or the mind-numbing pain emanating from my bleeding fingers that is slowly eroding my cerebrum and my well-being.

EFFECTS OF THE CORONAVIRUS

Cartoon used by permission: 236678 Here’s toilet paper by John Darkow Columbia Missourian

“I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.”

“Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.”

Cartoon used by permission: 237317 Almost Time To Eat Again by Ed Wexler PoliticalCartoons com

“Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.”

“I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.”

“PSA: ‘Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.’”

“Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.”

Cartoon used by permission: 236749 NATIONAL COVID 19 school closings by John Cole,The Scranton Times Tribune PA

 “HOMESCHOOLING REPORT, FAMILY OF THREE—ONE ADULT, TWO KIDS: ‘Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.’”


“Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.”

“Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said ‘I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year’…. I’m offended.”

Cartoon used by permission: 237299 Upside to lockdown by John Darkow Columbia Missourian

“This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog—we laughed a lot.”

 “I’m so excited—it’s time to take out the garbage! What should I wear!?!”

“I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.”

“Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter—The Living Room or The Bedroom”

Cartoon used by permission: 237093 Easter Bunny Covid 19 safety by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons com

Happy Easter and Happy Pesach everyone!  Wishing you all bountiful gifts of gratitude, kindness, and comfort of heart as we reflect on the miracle of Passover and the hope of the Resurrection of Christ. Stay well.  Stay safe. Stay kind because we are all in this journey together.

Cartoon used by permission: 237469 The Promise by David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star Tucson AZ

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival:  “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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TOILET PAPER COULD GET A PERSON KILLED

Cartoon used by permission: 236338 Life as we know it by John Darkow Columbia Missourian

“In the year 2525, if man is still alive—if woman can survive, they may find…” NO TOILET PAPER!

I’m almost certain the song writer Richard Lee Evans wasn’t thinking about toilet paper when he wrote the first two lines of his apocalyptic song in 1964, but toilet paper sure is on my mind in these pandemic days of the coronavirus.  I’m convinced that the wipe-out of toilet paper is a sign…a sign that America is one sheet of TP away from a total moral meltdown.

And I even have some butt in the game.  I’ve got Celiac disease with an occasional side service of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), and toilet paper is my best bud.

So for me, this coronavirus hoarding shit just got real.

It isn’t just that TP has taken the place of gold, but it is the losing of our minds over the anticipated lack of it.  I don’t know, maybe the entire country has IBS which makes sense given the President we have—just sayin’.   If that is the case, I suppose the hoarding could be forgiven.  But somehow, I don’t think so… I just heard that people got into fights at my local Costco over the last couple of packs of TP.  In the area where one of my friends lives, people were seen assessing whether they could outrun their fellow shoppers, then they snatched said toilet paper out of other people’s carts and made a mad dash for the checkout counter.

Know your meme.com
Cartoon used by permission:  236278 Martian TP by Gary McCoy Shiloh IL

To make matters worse, fighting over toilet paper is not the only sign that we Americans are not going to weather this end-time scenario very well.  (Remember:  This is just the beginning—we could be in this “sans toilet paper world” for months, maybe years.  BTW people: Can we all spell BIDET?)

BIDET MEME: Pin by Jonathan Friday on Custom Memes

The other day, I went to the grocery store.  Since I’m old, I decided to arrive as soon as the store opened to avoid the crowds.  When I pulled into the parking lot and couldn’t find a parking space, I knew I would be in for a bumpy ride.  This grocery store is rather high end and expensive.  I chose to shop there because it is small and I knew I’d encounter fewer people—thus less issue with potential contamination as I am one of those in the high risk category (over 60 with a compromised immune system).  But when I pulled up to the store, there were hordes of very old White people banging on the glass doors to be let in (not one minority in the midst of the maddening crowd).  (Did I mention that I live in a town where people go to die after having made a lot of money in their careers?  Consequently, we have scores of very old, conservative, White, educated, rich people who predominantly voted for Trump because they thought he increased their stock portfolios and/or they are Evangelical Christians.)  Anyway, the people who were banging on the store windows all rushed inside when the doors were unlocked and made a beeline to the meat counter at the back of the store.  (Who knew 70 and 80 year olds could move that fast while pushing a grocery cart?)  By the time I got my service ticket, I was number 30.  There were no whole chickens, no chicken thighs or drumsticks, there were ten chicken wings, very little hamburger, a few cartoons of eggs from some free range farm that cost a king’s ransom and no carrots. 

“You know this is the only grocery store in town that has any meat left,” said the old lady with the nervous twitch who almost knocked over the bread cart as she tried to keep 6 feet of space between us. “That can’t be possible,” I gasped.  “We have four grocery stores within a two-mile radius!” 

Cartoon used by permission:  235885  COVID-19 and shortages by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons com

By the time I got to the butcher counter, the only meat and fish left were the cuts the Queen of England would serve for a fancy state dinner party.  “Is this all the meat you have today?  Isn’t there any chicken?” I asked the butcher. “Yep and nope,” he said, with a look of, “take it or leave it, lady—I been here since 6 a.m. butchering meat.  It’s not my fault that your greedy neighbors snatched up what little we had as if these rich old people would never eat again.  I got no whole chickens, no chicken thighs, no chicken legs, and the last of the chicken wings just got sold while answering your stupid questions.” 

As I quickly pointed to cuts of meat I’d either never cooked before (rack of lamb) or that cost me an arm and a leg (Prime Steaks) to purchase, I heard someone in the depleted egg section “Pssst!” me over his way.   The summons had come from a young African-American man who I’d never seen before.  There are not many of my peeps who shop in that store, so if you see one and you don’t know them, they either work there or they are tourists.   He was a new stock employee replenishing $5.00 a cup “Goat’s milk” yogurt made by Tibeto-Burman people from the eastern and central Himalayas. (All the Dannon, Chobani, and Stoneyfield yogurt had long gone the way of the chicken wings.)

The young man invaded my social distancing space to angrily complain about the racism in my town.  “Do you see that White woman over there?” said my new coronavirus friend.  “She coughed—COUGHED!—right in my face, didn’t apologize, didn’t even acknowledge me—just went on her merry way.  I’ve only been working here a week and I’ve never seen racism like this.  It’s the most racist town I’ve ever lived in!” 

Oh good grief, I thought.  All I wanted was some hamburger meat and a roast chicken.  Now I’m going to be involved in a race war.  “Listen, my millennial baby,” I said.  “I’ve lived here for a while.  Most of the people in the town are very lovely.  Do we have racists?  Yes, we do. But for every racist we have, there are ten more people who are not of that ilk.  If I were to take a guess, that woman is probably not a racist in the classic sense, she probably is just a self-absorbed bitch.  I would wager that we have more bitches than we do racists in this town.  Now go spray yourself down with some Lysol and think happy thoughts, for Christ’s sake, because things are going to get a hell of a lot crazier than this in the months to come.”

Cartoon used by permission:  235931 American Panic by Marian Kamensky Austria

All I could think of as I drove away (besides how I needed to call my friend Marilyn ASAP to ask her how to cook a rack of lamb) was that America may not survive COVID-19, not because of its deadly virus components, not because we don’t have the resources or the scientists to discover a cure, but because it hasn’t taken much to scratch the surface of our self-centeredness (“toilet paper for me and mine, I don’t give a shit about you and yours”), fears, suspicions, xenophobia, and meanness.  I heard a few days ago that gun sales were going through the roof.  Ammunition sales were unprecedented.  Looks like we’ll probably kill each other with guns long before the coronavirus does.

If I run into my new millennial grocery store friend again, I will share with him a secret that I learned from Viktor Frankl’s writing (survivor of four Nazi concentration camps); if the young man embraces this truth he will be able to live anywhere through anything with anyone at any time:

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.  You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.”

In the meantime, for all my fellow citizens who are refusing to isolate themselves and are engaging in careless behavior (Spring Break millennials and some mega churches) thus disregarding the health of their fellow citizens, a pox on you and all your houses!

Cartoon used by permission:  236414 Spring Break morons COVID 19 by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons com

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival:  “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Cartoon used by permission: 236377 TP Treasure by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune MN

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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THE PRESIDENT WHO CRIED WOLF (A FABLE FROM HELL)

Cartoon used by permission: 235544 Corona Virus Trump by Bart van Leeuwen, PoliticalCartoons.com

A MODERN FAIRY TALE BASED ON AESOP’S FABLE by Eleanor Tomczyk

“To Cry Wolf” defined as “to give a false alarm” with the result that subsequent true claims are disbelieved—Oxford Dictionary

Once upon a time in a land far, far away in the Milky Way Galaxy, lived a petulant little fat man who once laid illegitimate claim to the presidency of a country called the United States of America.  It was a big and powerful land with many beautiful people of different hues, colors, and religions at the time he became their leader.  The country had its issues but nothing that couldn’t be worked out through bi-partisanship, respect for each other’s differences, unity, brotherly love, and grace.  But when “Fat Boy Trump” rose to power, he was a petulant, insecure, and spoiled little man with very tiny hands who wanted the people of his land to worship him unequivocally and see him as the “fixer” of all their problems—both real and imagined.  In his effort to secure the people’s adoration, he spoke to them of carnage, mayhem, marauders, enemies at the border, and imaginary enemies called a “Deep State.” The real enemies of this great and powerful land were Putin of Russia, the White Nationalists within, and the greedy rich oligarchs who were praised, protected, and supported by the President.  The carnage that Fat Boy Trump claimed plagued our nation, of which he said only he could fix, always seemed to be against the poor, the indigent, the immigrant, and the foreigners from “shithole countries” as he was wont to call them.

Cartoon used by permission: 235582 Don’t worry Trump by Bruce Plante, Tulsa World

Fat Boy Trump was a leader who utilized “gaslighting” as a scepter.  When he lied about the size of his inauguration, the fact finders pleaded with him to tell the truth.  When he said that wind turbines caused cancer, the scientists warned him against tweeting alternative facts.  When he took a sharpie to an official government weather map and added a hurricane path over Alabama to support an apparent cover-up to validate an incorrect tweet, the meteorologists set their hair on fire.  When President Fat Boy Trump lied more than 60 times that the whistleblower complaint was false—that his call with the Ukraine president had been a perfect call—the Democrats warned him not to lie because there would come a time when the Nation would need him to tell the truth, but no one would believe him.  All in all, by the time of the Great Plague of 2020, Fat Boy Trump had cried wolf more than 16,200 times.  By the time the coronavirus monster threatened to destroy America’s citizens from sea to shining sea, its President had lost all credibility as a leader in the country as well as with the rest of the world.

Cartoon used by permission: 235469 Coronavirus Pandemic by Bill Day, Tallahassee FL

Fat Boy Trump rushed out into Tweeter Land and onto TV Land to try and calm the nerves of his country’s fearful citizens.  He blamed the Chinese, he blamed the Democrats for hyping the dark force of COVID-19 to tank his presidency.  He blamed his enemies (anyone who disagreed with him) for the stock market plunge.  But nothing worked because both the markets and the public were looking for reassurance from their leader that all would be well in the land that he had so divided and eviscerated with his copious lies.

Cartoon used by permission: 235566 Tweeting away the Coronavirus by Dave Whamond Canada PoliticalCartoons.com

Our Liar in Chief tried to console us with false prophesies about the coronavirus (most likely whispered in his ear by his Pentecostal Evangelical “Spiritual Advisor” Paula White):

“It’s going to disappear; like a miracle, it will disappear—nobody really knows.”

Then our narcissistic leader made the coronavirus outbreak all about himself and a slam against the Democrats (half of the country he was supposed to be leading and comforting):

“The Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus. They’re politicizing it,” Trump said. “They don’t have any clue. They can’t even count their votes in Iowa. No, they can’t. They can’t count their votes. One of my people came up to me and said, ‘Mr. President, they tried to beat you on Russia, Russia, Russia.’ That did not work out too well. They could not do it. They tried the impeachment hoax.”

One of his non-scientist minions, National Economic Council Larry Kudlow, would come forth with a half-hearted Fat Boy proclamation:

We have contained this, I won’t say airtight but pretty close to airtight.”

A declarative document from the White House would definitively declare:

“The Administration is taking aggressive and proactive measures, working closely with state and local partners to protect the public health. President Trump has led the way in addressing the coronavirus and has allowed the U.S. to stay ahead of the outbreak as it has developed.”

Fat Boy sent Jason Miller, senior communications adviser on the 2016 Trump campaign down to the Fox News TV in the village to make a triumphant declaration:

 “Even if the virus is not our fault, we will be the ones to solve the problem. That is the message the American people need to hear.”

Cartoon used by permission: 235553 Trump and coronavirus by John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune PA

But the villagers—the frightened, panicked Americans—who could have really used a Comforter in Chief instead of a Liar in Chief during the encroachment of the plague—decided not to listen to their leader because he had fooled them 16,200 times before. Even if he were telling the truth now, how would they know? And so the very wise among them shouted back to the President in unison the Aesop moral of the tale of a President who cried wolf too many times:

“A liar will not be believed, even when [and if] he speaks the truth.”

Cartoon used by permission: 235526 Viral headlines II by David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star Tucson AZ

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival:  “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Cartoon used by permission: 235524 Viral headlines by David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star Tucson, AZ

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on March 1, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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KEEP LOOKING UP

Cartoon Used by Permission: 228305 Some Pig by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT

THE NATIONAL CONSCIOUSNESS POST—MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR TRIBUTE

By Eleanor Tomczyk (Satirical Columnist)

8:41 p.m. Saturday, January 18, 2020

As the nation prepares to celebrate the birthday of one of our greatest heroes, the Washington Post-Ipsos poll was just released that states 8 out of 10 African Americans (83% of those polled) blame President Trump for the inordinate increase in racism in our country, and 65% say it is a bad time to be Black.  Our newspaper wanted to follow up on these jarring statistics in the shadow of the celebration of Martin Luther King’s birthday.  We were able to get in touch with quite a few WWMD clubs across the nation to interview them about their reaction to the Post-Ipsos poll.  Usually a secretive club (I learned about them just several days ago through a friend of a friend), they were very transparent with me as a reporter because they felt that so much of what Dr. King worked for is being destroyed and all good people need to come out—front and center—and do the right thing.  What follows is a conference call interview with one particular club in Virginia.  It best encapsulates fears of African-Americans from sea to shining sea during these post-Obama years.

REPORTER:   First of all, I want to thank you for doing this interview on such short notice. I understand that you are a group of African-American septuagenarians who meet together on a regular basis to pray for our country.  Maxine Reynolds, my research notes indicate that you are the President of this local chapter.  Can you give me an overview of what you stand for?  For instance, what does WWMD mean?

MAXINE:      Yes, I am, and welcome! Good to have you here, my friend.  WWMD stands for “What would Martin do?”  We started meeting on an informal basis right after President Trump asked the Black community “what do you have to lose by voting for me?”  We were so alarmed after 8% of the Black community did vote for him, that those of us who still had our common sense intact said a collective “Oh Shit!” and formed this club.  We did so to illuminate what Dr. King lived and died for before the country got consumed by Trump’s hatred.  Our fears regarding the damage Trump could do were really underscored when the tikki-torch, Confederate flag waving White Supremacists murdered that sweet young protester, and Trump didn’t disparage them but declared that there were “good people on both sides.”

Cartoon Used by Permission: 228472 Trucking in Hate by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT

REPORTER:  Why did 8% of African-Americans vote for Trump? Surely they are not that gullible as a race.

BARBARA:  Barbara Wakefield speaking.  I’m the VP of our local chapter of WWMD.  No, we’re the least gullible of America’s people.  In fact, given our history, Black folks are very sharp politically.  I suspect 8% voted for Trump because they always voted Republican and couldn’t bring themselves to vote as a Democrat (we are not monolithic, you know), or they just downright hated Hilary.  You surprised?  You think White Republicans are the only ones who can’t stand the Clintons? 

MAXINE:  As an African-American, I voted for Hilary, but I have to tell you, I held my nose when I did it.

REPORTER:  Interesting… how many members in your group?  How many nationwide? Are they all in their seventies?  Charles, you’re head of the membership drive, can you field my questions?

CHARLES:  Sure.  In the beginning, the group was made up of those who were part of the Civil Rights Movement and marched with Martin back in the day.  We’re the generation that gained the most from Dr. King’s sacrifice and courage.  We’re the ones who first got college educations in our families, first to become captains of our industries, and the first group of Black folks that lived better than our parents. As to membership, we had a hard time in the beginning getting people to join.  A lot of our folks got lulled to sleep by the election of our first Black president.  We were so busy patting ourselves on the back that we swallowed the lie that racism was dead now that a Black man was in the Oval Office.  What we didn’t realize was that the racism was just in hiding underneath the veneer of a polite society, and the sight of a Black family in the White House made a large percentage of White America’s blood boil.  By the time Trump came along and started his birther nonsense to discredit the legitimacy of President Obama, he whipped the haters into full White Supremacist frothy hysteria.

Cartoon Used by Permission: 92443 Birther Reality COLOR by Monte Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

REPORTER:  Of late, I’ve heard that you’ve had a membership surge and most of the new members to the WWMD club have been White.  Do you think the birther issue woke them up to the danger of the eroding of Dr. King’s movement?

GEORGE:  I can speak to that since I’m White and a new member. First of all, not all White people are racist. That really burns my cookies when people lump all White people together.  We are not a monolithic group either.  The way I figure it, only about 30% of us adhere to that racist BS.  Most of us suffer from the sin of cluelessness.  We figure if it hasn’t or isn’t happening to us than other people are fine also.  We are clueless as to the daily racial sufferings (especially the micro aggressions) that Black people go through.  I can drive by a Confederate flag, and I might not like it but it doesn’t affect me on a visceral level. I might even buy the bullshit that the flag represents my White neighbor’s heritage.  On the other hand, my Black friends (notice I have more than one Black friend, thank you very much) tell me they get violently ill when they see that “in your face” marker of White Supremacy because it definitely represents their heritage—one of bondage, brutality, chains, and lynchings.  I don’t want my grandchildren to inherit a Trump world and ideology that hurts people.  I want them to love all races and be aware of what causes others pain.  I joined after the debacle in Charlottesville, the wide-scale voter suppression in the Black communities in 2018, the growing revelations of police brutality, and the awareness of the growing income and educational disparity in the Black community.

Cartoon Used by Permission: 212482 Voter Suppression by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star-Tribune, MN

MARY ANN:  I’m White and a Born-Again Christian.  I joined WWMD because I realized much too late that Trump was the leader of a cult and he had sucked out the soul and the brains of so many of my family and friends.  The more Trump’s immoral character showed itself, the more my friends and relatives turned a blind eye and started imbibing the hate talk-radio rhetoric of the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones.  Many of them wear the bracelets WWJD (“What would Jesus do?”), but by the way they worship at the feet of the Liar-in-Chief, the answer is:  Jesus would do absolutely nothing in response to Trump’s blatant immorality, and therefore neither will I.   When the Christian Trumpers anointed him as the “Chosen One,” I joined WWMD to save my soul and find a place that honored good character, truth, and integrity before it was too late to find it in the public square or at the church altar. 

Cartoon Used by Permission: 208900 MLK by Milt Priggee Oak Harbor, WA

REPORTER:  Well, that’s a fascinating twist.  Are there other White Christians in the room who can elaborate on that?

AMBER:  Yes, I can.  My name is Amber.  I grew up in Evangelical Christianity.  My parents were part of the Jesus Movement, and I thought I could ride out the stupidity of Trump idolatry when it hit our Pentecostal/Charismatic church.  I figured the Church would wake up sooner or later and get back to enacting WWJD.  But the more I waited, the more I noticed our collective soul and any intelligence we may have had slip-sliding away.  I belonged to one of those mega churches who I now suspect support Trump because they lust after his money, the men lust after his fake-tit wife, and the women lust after the fake-tit wife’s glamorous life. 

Anyway, I had halfway divorced my parents and had one foot out the door when I heard a woman on a “Christian” radio program who had called in to protest the fact that Michelle Obama had been named the most admired woman in the world for the second time in a row.  The woman was apoplectic over what she perceived was a miscarriage of justice. She falsely accused Barack Obama of being a pedophile (in cahoots with the Clintons) and both the Obamas of being money launderers (because how else could they possibly have such nice stuff).  The “Christian” prayer warrior proceeded to pray that God the Father would reveal the true identity of Michelle (who she knows for certain is a man whose name is Michael and Michelle secretly has a penis), and that God would further reveal that the Obama children are not theirs but Barack’s best friend (apparently, the kids are on loan to promote the ruse that the Obamas are a heterosexual, loving, Christian family).  The woman could not understand how her fake-tit goddess (Melania Trump) could be overlooked by the world for a man in drag (i.e. Michelle Obama) when Melania is so beautiful, classy, and speaks seven languages.  It seems the Jesus lover forgot about Melania’s butt-naked pictures that are all over the Internet and that she’s done nothing significant except plagiarize Michelle Obamas speech when she first came on the scene, and express to the world her callousness and disdain when visiting the traumatized children at the border.*

I screamed, “I’M OUT!” and I haven’t looked back.

Cartoon Used by Permission: 212191 Melania fashion statements by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons. com

REPORTER:  Unfortunately, I know that conspiracy theory.*   It’s been bouncing around Right-wing talk radio for years, and Trump’s base believes it hook, line, and sinker.  The racism is mindboggling, but if so-called Christians can’t do what Jesus taught them to do, how can emulating Dr. King help you get beyond the anger and fear these types of conspiracy theories must engender?  I mean, Dr. King said that he wanted African-Americans to be judged on their character.  Who has demonstrated more outstanding character than the Obamas?  Yet, when the haters can’t find any blemish in their character, they make up stuff.

MAXINE:  Please… that crap doesn’t have anything to do with Jesus and he ain’t listenin’ to their idiotic prayers.  My visceral reaction is to pummel this woman and everyone like her.  But if I did that, my heart would turn to stone and I’d become as stupid as that woman.  Martin (and Jesus—the God who Martin loved and served) would tell us to not embrace hatred but to love our enemies.  So I pray for people like her.  It ain’t easy, but I do it anyway.

BARBARA:  I think loving the Trump supporters is a tall order.  I’m just not there yet.  What I can do and am doing to recoup Dr. King’s legacy is that I’m dispensing kindness to each and every person I meet along the way.  Whether it’s a genuine smile to a stranger, helping someone in need, writing a note of encouragement or just not returning evil for evil—I know I’ve done something significant to push back the hatred that divides us as a country.  Every time I hear of some hateful racist story against my people, I make an extra effort to be kind to those I know and don’t know.  Maybe someday I’ll be like Martin and Jesus, for that matter, and learn to look into the darkness, fear not, and see the love emanating from my heart illuminating the dark hearts of the haters.  That’s what Martin would do.

Cartoon Used by Permission: 205175 Keep Looking Up by Jeff Koterba, Omaha World Herald, NE

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT KINDNESS

“I shall pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”—Stephen Grellet

“I make mistakes daily, letting generalizations creep into my thoughts and negatively affect my behavior. These mistakes have taught me that the first step to successfully choosing kindness is being more mindful about it, letting go of impatience and intolerance along the way.”—Daniel Lubetzky

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”—Og Mandino

ALL QUOTES COURTESY OF BRAINYQUOTES.COM

Cartoon Used by Permission: 189869 MLK statue COLOR by Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

*The conspiracy story and the prayer that was spoken is true and the author of this blog vomited her lunch when she heard it. In fact, she’s still vomiting…

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival:  “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS TRUMP IMPEACHED AND POETRY WRITTEN IN THE FORM OF “T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS” TO ADD TO THE MOCKERY HE SO RICHLY DESERVES

Cartoon used by permission: 232990 Twas the Night Before Impeachment by R.J. Matson CQ Roll Call

(A POLITICAL PARODY RIPOFF FROM “T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS”—ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN 1823.  My apologies to the poet Clement Clarke Moore.)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the country,

               Not a news org was stirring, not even the Fox News punditry.

               The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,      

         In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

Cartoon used by permission: 219574 Santa Social Media by Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch OH

               Fractured Americans all nestled snug in their beds,

               While visions of Trump’s impeachment (or not) danc’d in their heads,

               Women in pink pussy hats, and White Trumpers in their MAGA caps,

               Had just settled their brains for a long winter’s nap.

Cartoon used by permission: 232948 Merry Christmas by Milt Prigge Oak Harbor WA

               When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

               I sprang from the bed to see what the fuck was the matter.

               Away to the window I flew like a flash,

               Opened it and looked out on snow-covered grass.

A red-suited fat man stood down there below,

               Stomping up and down as he yelled: “Ho, ho, ho”;

Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

               But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

Cartoon used by permission: 87030 Santa Claus And His Flying Reindeer COLOR by Bob Englehart PoliticalCartoons.com

With a spring in his step, so lively and quick,

               I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

               More agile than fairies, the reindeer they came,

               As Santa whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer, and Vixen,

               “On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Donner and Blitzen;

               “To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

               “Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

Cartoon used by permission: 87220 Prancers Out COLOR by Cameron Cardow The Ottawa Citizen

Like an arrow shot from a bow does fly,

               Santa, his sleigh, and bag did mount to the sky;

               So up to the house-top eight reindeer they flew,

               With the sleigh full of Xmas wishes—and St. Nicholas too:

               And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

               The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

               As I pulled in my head, and was turning around,

               Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:

Cartoon used by permission: 157843 Santa and lighthouse beacon by Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons.com

               He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

               And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

               A bundle of gifts was flung on his back,

               And he muttered like a crazed prophet while he opened his pack:

               “15,413 lies in 1,055 days by my last Trump naughty tally,

               “Should I skip the White House entirely and fly on to North Philly?

               “And should I rent tons of U-hauls needed for all the coal,

               “To be placed in the stockings of Trumpers who’ve sold their souls?”

Cartoon used by permission: 232858 Santa naughty list by John Darkow Columbia Missourian

               The stump of a pipe he clinched tight in his teeth,

               As angry smoke encircled his head like a wreath.

               And he mumbled: “What to do, what to do, what to do?”

               Then burst into laughter, and said: “Shit, I don’t have a clue.”

               He gave off a huge sigh, that right jolly old elf,

               And I laughed when I heard him in spite of myself;

               He was just as flummoxed as the rest of us,

               Which made me think these days I needed someone higher to trust.

               Santa shouted several phrases as he went straight to his task,

               Filling all the stockings with word-gifts for which we’d asked:

“Trump Impeached!”

“Trump Removed!”

“Trump Destroyed!”

 “Trump Done in!”

               And laying his finger aside of his nose

               And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

Cartoon used by permission: 204470 Santa Hacked by Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

               He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

               And away they all flew, like a North Korean missile:

               But I heard him shout in his booming rich voice: “DO NOT FEAR:

Concentrate on the TRUE meaning of Christmas, my Dears.”      

 “IN THE NAME OF JESUS—the true reason for the season

Trump WILL be impeached and with damn good reason”

(“Mainly ‘cause God don’t like ugly, accordin’ to Black Folks’ teasin’s.”)

Then I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL—AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”

Cartoon used by permission: 219626 Christmas Day by Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle GA

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival:  “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Cartoon used by permission: 189369 Santas Likes by Jeff Koterba Omaha World Herald NE

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on December 18, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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THANKSGIVING DÉTENTE GUIDELINES IN THE AGE OF TRUMP AND IMPEACHMENT

Cartoon used by permission: 231883 Thanksgiving food fight by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian

I hate to say this folks (and I sure hope I’m wrong), but I’m pretty convinced that this Thanksgiving is the calm before the storm—the last big non-religious, national family feast day—before the outbreak of the civil war next November between the MAGA nation and the Americans who value truth.  According to AAA, 55 million of us will be traveling to visit family and friends for the Thanksgiving holiday.  That’s a whole lot of turkey eating and at least a solid chance for 90% of us to strangle, stab, shoot, pummel, or disinherit at least one or two very close relatives.  (That murder rate drops significantly if one belongs to a family of clones who think alike, look alike, vote alike, dress alike, and basically don’t say more than two words to each other the entire Thanksgiving meal.)  You and I are not one of them.  We know we’re headed for a civil war, put in motion by a mad king, and we think this may be the last family gathering where we can knock some sense into our Fox News watching, Donald Trump loving, science denying family.  May I make a suggestion?  Let’s call a détente (the easing of hostility or strained relations) until Monday, December 2nd.  Let’s pretend that we are one big happy national family, and our biggest problem is that we forgot to pack our stretchy pants with the elastic waistband.

Cartoon used by permission: 232153 Thanksgiving Jeopardy with Relatives by Dave Whamond Canada, PoliticalCartoon.com

THANKSGIVING DÉTENTE GUIDELINES

#1.  To make this détente function at its best, we will have to establish some ground rules, of course.  First of all, if you are hosting, it would be best to warn your guests in advance that your home will be a politic-free zone.  Those who can’t adhere to this rule need to know that the penalty will be immediate banishment.  (Even if you are all of the same political persuasion, talk about art, love, travel—anything but Trump…our hearts and minds need a freakin’ break from the Mad King.)

Thanksgiving warning, welcome to the family feast, cut out, political discussion
Cartoon used by permission: 232315 Thanksgiving Warning by Bruce Plante Tulsa World

#2. Send out homework before Thanksgiving Day to make sure your family and friends know what is at stake for their souls and the survival of your family unit if they break the détente and slip into political rancor with your T-Day guests.  Close family quarters, alcohol, turkey carving knives, and guns (would suggest you tell your guests that your home will be a gun-free zone) are a recipe for disaster when political arguments start to go down in the age of Trump.  Given the state of the scary craziness Trump has driven our nation to, it is best to know what types of family murders can occur if a mention of him and/or his antics are allowed under the Thanksgiving détente tent and tempers are not kept in check (have your guests memorize them before arrival):

Cartoon used by permission: 218351 Let’s Talk Turkey .PLEASE. by Jeff Koterba, Omaha World Herald NE

THIS IS WHAT IS AT STAKE SHOULD POLITICS HOLD SWAY ON T-DAY AT OUR FAMILY GATHERINGS (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):

Mariticide = the act of killing one’s husband or romantic partner

Patricide = the act of killing one’s father

Fratricide = the act of killing one’s brother

Sororicide = the act of killing one’s sister

Uxoricide = the act of killing one’s wife

Avunculicide = the act of killing one’s uncle

Matricide = the act of killing one’s mother

Nepoticide = the act of killing one’s nephew

Amicicide = the act of killing a friend

Vaticide = the act of killing a prophet (you never know when one of these may drop by)

Blockacide = the act of killing a Facebook friend connection

At the bottom of the pre-celebration homework page, I suggest the following quote by George Bernard Shaw be listed as a pre-dinner meditation:  “The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguments for it, and become blind to the arguments against it.” 

Cartoon used by permission: 232294 Turkey Day by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune MN

#3.  Upon arrival for T-Day celebration, I suggest the host or hostess prominently display a sign at the front door that says: “Abandon all cell phones, MAGA hats, Pink Pussy hats, and political T-shirts here, and park all egos out back by the garbage cans.  Only humility and grace need enter.”

Cartoon used by permission: 232308 Choosing Sides at the Holidays by Jeff Koterba Omaha World Herald NE

#4.  Consider providing party favors in the form of colorful elastic snap bands with James 1:19 inscribed upon them: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”  Guests should be encouraged to utilize the bands whenever they feel like pummeling one of their family members by “snapping” the bands against their wrists to bring them back to their senses should they start to jeopardize the Thanksgiving détente. Finally, if you have really, really hard-headed friends and relatives, you might need to bring out the big guns with a very blatant banner draped above the dining area to help keep everyone focused:  KINDNESS AND COURTEOUSNESS TO ONE ANOTHER ARE NOT SIGNS OF WEAKNESS!

Cartoon used by permission: 218364 Thanksgiving and politics by Bruce Plante Tulsa World

I know it sounds like a bit of a cliché, but having everyone who is present say one thing they are grateful for in their own lives and about each family member to their left and right might just keep the détente going after Thanksgiving and prevent a civil war that is fast approaching on the heels of the presidential election in 2020.  After all, long after the spell that President Cheeto has cast upon our nation has been broken, and Trump is gone and forgotten, we’ll still need the love and strength of our families to pick up the pieces and rebuild a nation.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MY PEEPS! MAY IT BE FULL OF LOVE, LAUGHTER, JOY, AND GRACE!

ENJOY MY FAVORITE VINTAGE THANKSGIVING CARTOON BY CARTOONIST RICK MCKEE

Cartoon used by permission: 140746 Thanksgiving 2013 COLOR by Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival:  “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Cartoon used by permission: 232313 Chosen One by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on November 27, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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ELECTION COLORS ABOUND: PINK PUSSY HATS TURN VIRGINIA BLUE AND KICK THE CONFEDERACY RED OUT OF VIRGINIA’S BED

Cartoon used by permission: 231610 Republican Fall by Christopher Weyant,The Boston Globe MA 

CHEETO-WATCH TIMES DISPATCH (Tomczyk Satirical Report)—Snapshots of multitudinous celebrations were noted in the various local nationwide Democratic Party Headquarters after the recent election results. There were none more riotous than in Virginia and Kentucky because turning Virginia Blue—winning full control of the legislature—for the first time in a generation, and Kentucky electing a Dem for Governor were major repudiations of Donald Trump. Pink Pussy Hats donned pants suits and doused each other in pink champagne across the nation while they partied until the cows came home over the headway Dems had made.

Cartoon used by permission: 231591 Virginia Election by Bill Day Tallahassee FL

“Virginia is ruined!” cried a White female Republican voter from Richmond, Virginia.  “Those damn liberal women in the Northern burbs have destroyed our heritage,” screamed a White Republican male voter from Toano, Virginia on the 6:00 News.  “Now those god-damn feminists will be the reason the Virginia State government will be able to take down our Confederate statues, bury the Lost Cause, take away our guns, make Virginia the state that ratifies that f’ing Equal Rights Amendment, and be why Trump gets dumped, god-damnit!” 

White House sources say President Trump had a full-on panic attack after the election results, and even Trump’s spiritual adviser (Pastor Paula White who is now part of the White House staff) couldn’t calm him down.  The best she could do was to try and conjure up God’s wrath on the Pink Pussy Hat feminists. However, to this reporter’s knowledge, not one Pussy Hat feminist had been struck by lightning from God yet, causing some to suspect that Jesus might be a member of Pantsuit Nation and Paula White might be a false prophet.

Google Image Meme/Paula White

This reporter did stumble upon some coffee chats and a Democratic prayer group who weren’t letting the election victories in Virginia and Kentucky go to their heads.  At the local coffee shop the suburban moms’ moods were somber and their tones were hushed as they spoke of the future that would affect their children.

One of the mothers was particularly vocal about her fears.  “According to a recent poll, we are some of the 67% of Democrats who are extremely anxious about the future,” said Sally Morrison.  “We think that in spite of these recent electoral victories, that asshole (excuse my French) is going to win a second term,” declared Sally’s long-time friend, Miriam Wallis.

“Did you read the headline of the Independent?” said Maxine Gilman.  “It said, ‘Trump on course to win in 2020, according to polling models that have only been wrong once,’” sobbed Maxine.  “What good will it do,” she cried, “if we win the battles but not the war?” 

“TURN OUT THE VOTE IN 2020!” chanted Diane Smith.  “We have to flood the polls next year as if our children’s lives depended on it—which they do.  If we have to, we need to wake the dead and carry them to the polls on our backs,” said Ms. Smith.  “Other than that, I’m banking on getting Trump’s ass impeached.”

“Girl, don’t you realize the House of Reps can impeach Trump’s sorry behind and the gonad-challenged Senate Republicans won’t rule on it.  It doesn’t matter what President Cheeto does, the Senate will never find his actions impeachable,” said Sally Morrison.  “He’s absolutely deplorable—the entire world knows it and the Repubs know it, too!”

Cartoon used by permission: 231650 Misdemeanors by Milt Priggee Oak Harbor WA

This reporter stopped by the African-American First Saints A.M.E church in Louisville to interview some of the parishioners after Wednesday night Bible study.  Mr. and Mrs. Archie Stapleton were quick to chime in about the election results.  “I couldn’t be happier about the way Trump got handed his ass in the Kentucky and Virginia races,” said Mr. Stapleton.  “I was born and raised in Kentucky and Bevin had pissed off most folks here except the so called pro-lifers.  He thought if he declared himself a ‘Christian,’ waved the pro-life flag, and turned himself into a Trump mini-me, he could treat people as if they was dirt—especially our teachers.  Well, the teachers schooled him.  There you have it (so-called Christian), ex-Governor Bevin—don’t let the Devil’s tail smack you upside your head when you walk into Hell, I say!”

Cartoon used by permission: 231668 Canary in a Kentucky coal mine by John Darkow Columbia Missourian

“Now Archie, that ain’t no way to talk standin’ inside the Lawd’s house,” said Mary Stapleton.  “I’m excited about the victories, but I’m a bit nervous about the Black vote bein’ syphoned off.  Did you read how Trump went down to Atlanta and launched some Black voter initiative talkin’ about, ‘What have you got to lose votin’ for me?’  Well, I tell you what Black folks got to lose:  our souls!  Yes, indeed, sweet Jesus.”

Sister Cynthia, the church’s head deaconess, had been listening to the conversation and shaking her head in agreement.  “To tell you the truth, I’m real concerned about our babies.  Us old folks know in our bones that Biden is the only one who can beat Trump, but the younger generation ain’t got nothin’ to do with him.  My thirty-year-old daughter called me the other day to summarily let me know that she and her generation was not feelin’ Joe Biden. She ask me, what did Biden ever do except be Obama’s wing man?  So, I said, ain’t that enough? (Thinkin’ to myself, I ain’t never seen no White man play second fiddle to a Black man in all my born days until Barack became president, so that has to amount to somethin’.)  Then my daughter said, she didn’t mean no disrespect, but we old folks are leavin’ them a pretty messed up world, and her generation wasn’t fixin’ to elect an ol’ man with old ideas who’d probably die on his way to his old-fashioned inauguration day.  (Y’all know that chil’ of mine always did have a mouth on her.)”

“Well, yo’ chil’ may be onto somethin’, Sister Cynthia,” said Archie Stapleton.  Biden’s just not doin’ well…I knew when his answer to improving the lives of Black children was for them to listen to the record player at night, and he messed up his text number with his email address, or some such mess, that my children were gonna tune him right out.  Now he’s in fourth place lookin’ like he’s got one foot in the grave and Warren is beatin’ him like a drum!  I’ll still vote for him, but the children have got a point, Sister Cynthia.”

One of the other parishioners passing by the group mumbled that it was going to be a long, long year until November 2020, and if we were all lucky maybe Jesus would come back before then and put us out of our misery. 

In this reporter’s humble opinion, maybe we ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Cartoon used by permission: 231681 Bloomberg enters 2020 race by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons com

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival:  “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Cartoon used by permission: 231417 Trump’s legacy by Patrick Chappatte globecartoon com

REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2019/11/06/bright-blue-virginia-leaves-confederacy-behind/

https://www.salon.com/2019/11/07/dont-get-complacent-trump-is-likely-to-win-again-unless-we-fight-for-democracy/

https://www.salon.com/2019/11/06/phyllis-schlaflys-dead-but-the-equal-rights-amendment-may-come-back-to-life/

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-election/trump-2020-presidential-election-favourite-odds-polling-moodys-analytics-a9159496.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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HOW AMERICA CAN SURVIVE THE DON WHO WOULD BE KING

Well, this happened:  Trump declared himself to be Godthe Chosen One—“the King of Israel,” and one of his first sovereign acts was an attempt to buy Greenland.  Well shit, I didn’t know one could simply declare oneself “the Chosen One” and subsequently try and annex a country for grins and giggles.  If I had known that I would have tried it a long time ago: “I, Eleanor Tomczyk, hereby declare myself the Chosen One—the Queen of all people groups—and I want to purchase Bora Bora. Why, you ask?  Because I would like to turn it into my own private vacation spot, thank you very much.  Oh, and I would also like to annex a couple of Trump’s planes because now that I’m Queen, I don’t fly commercial!”)

Cartoon used by permission: 228900_600 Bill Day, Tallahassee, Fl

In the meantime, the Messiah impersonator has done nothing with his new found “power” to squelch the hatred on the meteoric rise in our country.  In fact, he seems to have encouraged it.  Americans are getting meaner and more racist by the day, and I think it’s mainly due to Trump giving them permission to hate.  Last week Mad-King Trump was hating on the Jews, the week before it was the Blacks, and weeks before that it was the Mexicans.

Cartoon used by permission: 228481_600 Nate Beeler Counterpoint

Maybe I’m naïve, but I am convinced that most Americans are not like this.  I just think many Americans are either clueless or don’t know how to combat this tidal wave of hatred and evil because so much of our theology is based on bumper stickers.  I don’t remember who said this (it is not original to me), but I think it was the theologian Richard Rohr who said the bumper sticker “Commit random acts of kindness” is a bunch of crap (my word).  He says kindness by its very nature is a deliberate act—a purposeful choice.  That is what pushes back against the madness and hatred around us.

Cartoon used by permission: 228335_600 Dave Whamond Canada PoliticalCartoons com

As I was meditating on this thought recently, I read an article in the Washington Post entitled: ‘I have $1500 that I’m giving away’: Man becomes legend for extreme acts of kindness toward strangers,* by Allison Klein who is the anchor of the Inspired Life blog.  The story was about a man named Jon Potter who four years ago started helping strangers for free and it snowballed.  He did everything from helping a stranded teenager get home to recently giving a stranger one of his kidneys.  He said the more kindness he deliberately and extremely dispensed, the better his own mental health became (he suffers from depression). 

EUREKA!  This is the answer I thought after reading the article.  If all good-hearted Americans went forth into the land seeking to do deliberate acts of kindness, we could defeat Trump and his minions by a landslide next fall because we would have defeated or shamed the spirit of hatred in our midst.

Cartoon used by permission: 228949_600 David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star Tucson AZ

That’s what I decided to start doing.  I promised myself that I’d be on the lookout for deliberate acts of kindness that I could perform—just like Jon Potter.  How hard could that be?  Right?  Well, first of all, one needs to pay attention to details when one engages in this strategy or one will end up in a Costco fiasco as I did the other day.  Herein lies that tale…

Recently, I set off to Costco with my husband “WW” (White and Wonderful) in the land of Trump.  As is usual, WW took off for the wine section while I lingered in the flower and book section.  What happened next could be chalked up to over-eagerness on my part, or old age, or the racist concept that all old White people look alike.  But when a White couple in their late eighties turned the corner and almost ran me down with their cart, rather than give them a dirty look, I decided to employ my deliberate act of kindness motto on them. 

As I took another look at the couple, I suddenly realized they were my neighbors (we’ll call them Gladys and Bob) whom I hadn’t seen in a while. (This will be easy, I thought.  They are my neighbors and I like them.  Good neutral ground upon which to practice my new way of life.)  The old man had on the same type of glasses as my neighbor, was slightly bald, and had slightly mangled legs like my neighbor.  He leaned on the cart to steady his balance while his wife (chubby, talkative, and slightly bossy tried to steer her husband around the corner to the pasta section). In my defense, I hadn’t seen my neighbors in months since an ambulance had taken the Mister away due to a fall in his garden.  Although I had heard he was doing okay, I felt bad that I hadn’t followed up with him as a good neighbor should.  Now was the chance to right the wrong I had committed and make America a better place with my kind and gracious response to a couple who had almost run me over with a grocery cart due to their inattentiveness.

“Gladys, Bob!  What a pleasant surprise,” I said, as I grabbed Gladys and forcefully enveloped her into my ample DDD bosom.  “Girl, I haven’t seen you in ages—how have you been?” I asked, as Bob glared at me with that look of,  “I’m a Trumper, and I don’t do Black people encounters—let alone, unsolicited hugs—get your ghetto hands off my wife before I call the police.” 

For an instant, I did wonder why the couple seemed very standoffish (very unlike my neighbors who are usually delightful).  Did that stop me in my newfound exuberant deliberate act of kindness?  Hell no!!!  I planted Gladys face more aggressively into my bosom while I called over my husband to say hello to our neighbors:  “Honey, look who’s here—it’s Gladys and Bob!”  The look on WW’s face was my first clue that I might be out-to-lunch, but it was Gladys’ slightly frightened statement mumbled into my chest that made me turn a lighter shade of brown:  “Lady, I think someone’s got their wires crossed.  We don’t live in your neighborhood.  We’d know it if we did.” [Translation: there are no Black people in our neighborhood—that’s one of the reasons we moved there.]

I live in a concealed carry weapon state, and for a brief moment, I saw my life pass before my eyes as I wondered if the bulge in the old man’s fanny pack was a Glock 26.  (It seems that this deliberate act of kindness lifestyle can have its hiccups if you’re not paying attention.)  However, in the midst of my groveling, my profuse apologies, and my silent pleading that the old White couple not call the police (I was convinced I’d be arrested for “acts of kindness while being Black in Costco”), that little White old lady said something so profound that it broke my heart:  “No, need to apologize, Honey. You just made my day! We moved to this town months ago and not one of our real neighbors have waved to us, said hello, or dropped by with a pie—absolutely nothing!  Thank you for your act of kindness, even if it was meant for someone else—it’s the best thing that has happened to me in months.”

As the couple rounded the corner into the pasta aisle, WW said to me with great chagrin: “You know that couple didn’t look a thing like our neighbors Gladys and Bob. What have you been smoking?” “WHATEVER!” I replied.  “My heart was in the right place.  Albeit, it was a very tiny act of kindness that made a small corner of Trump world a much better place—at least I started my quest to turn back the tide of anger and hatred with grace and bosomy exuberance.  It took courage to do that small act.  Eventually, I’ll get to the kidney donation—just give me time.”

Cartoon used by permission: 228903_600 Dave Whamond Canada PoliticalCartoons com

***

WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR’S LIFE AMONG WHITE CHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVES FOR 45+ YEARS AND THE INSIGHTS GAINED:  Check out “Fleeing Oz”—on sale now at Amazon!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

REFERENCES *https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/08/22/this-man-became-legend-committing-extreme-acts-kindness-then-he-gave-stranger-kidney/

Cartoon used by permission: 229007_600 Adam Zyglis The Buffalo News NY

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on August 25, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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