(This story is a continuation of C-‘48’s Odyssey from blog post: “It’s Sure Gonna Suck for You.”)
Do you know what I’ve discovered? My sorry-ass was supposed to be “out of here” last week—Oct. 21st (a.k.a. the Rapture). I haven’t always believed in the Rapture, but I figured why not give it a try. Earth was becoming a place that was really beginning to suck for a various number of reasons (wars upon wars and rumors of wars, floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, uptick in racism, child abuse, murders, mayhem, and rape—just to name a few nightmares). I was looking forward to the great escape and going to a place where there would be no more tears, and I could eat great food without gaining weight. I could stand to trade in all the stress from the chaos and mayhem, and just “hang ten” with Jesus (in heaven I’m going to have a killer surfer bod and be able to surf like a female Kelly Slater). I’d gotten all my affairs in order, paid all my bills, called in sick to work, kissed WW and the kids good-bye, and prepared myself for a long trip “up.” But nothing happened!
I’m typing this blog post several days AFTER I was supposed to take flight with my wig and clothes left behind on the seat in front of the steering wheel of my car while my chubby naked ass floated heavenward. My vehicle would have barreled on down the highway without a driver, terrorizing the “left behind drivers” and the “po-po,” which made me sad at first, but it was just the way the cookie had to crumble if I was going to be part of the “big snatch.” But. . . I’m still here! What the fuck?
Google Image/Rapture Billboard
Actually, according to that old dude (Harold Camping) who prophesied the big snatch for Oct. 21st, he promised that I was supposed to be originally raptured on May 21st.
Well, Rev. Camping, you’ve sure got some explaining to do. It’s like you cried “fire” in a dark theater twice in one year, causing tons of people to panic, but there was no fire. I’m still here on this planet that I never wanted to come to in the first place (see “It’s Sure Gonna Suck for You”), and your second “snatch day” has come and gone.
So, I’ve had it, Campy baby, and I’m not taking this lying down. I’d open up a can of whup-ass on you if I could find you (apparently, you’re in hiding), but since I can’t find you, I’m going to do what every little kid on the playground knows to do when they are pissed at one of the other kids: I’m tellin’ on your ass.
I’m going straight to the person who you claim to be “your boss” and I’m going to tell him how you’re messin’ with people’s minds, causing all sorts of chaos, and making a mockery of your boss’ life and death. You see, I have discovered the Jesus you talk about is a real stand-up guy, and I’m registering a letter of complaint to him against you. And while I’m at it, I’m telling on all the other ne’er-do-wells that are saying “God told me this or God told me that” just for their own political or financial gain! YOUR ASS IS GRASS, MOFO!
COPY OF LETTER TO JESUS
Hope all is well with you and the universe(s) and the hundreds of billions of galaxies you traverse. I am one of your peeps and I’ve tried to follow you with all my heart for over forty years. Let me say, first and foremost: I love you because you first loved me and I remain secure in that love. However, in the interest of full disclosure, I no longer attend church, but I’m sure you knew that. I left about a year before the writer Anne Rice left and for the same reasons: so many of your peeps have lost their ever lovin’, freakin’ minds, and they have become part of the problem and not the solution down here on your third rock from the sun. They’ve become Fox News worshipers, Glenn Beck idolizers, and Palin-Bachmann sympathizers, as if you, personally, had come down from heaven and knighted these people with a special dispensation from on high.
Which is why I’m writing: I would like to register a complaint against your Church. I’m not registering the complaint against all of your Church, just the crazy parts. I know that there has always been a remnant of Christians who have been sane and have done the right thing by your Earth and the people in it, but right now, the crazies are over-shadowing your “normal” peeps who are just trying to model your example of integrity, love, and grace.
So I’m writing to ask: what is up with these people and would you please put a stop to them? You’re such an intelligent God and so outrageously loving and great—with a fabulous sense of humor, I might add—but it’s hard to see that because of what people, who “claim” to be your peeps, are saying and doing in your name. In case you haven’t been able to catch the news lately, here are a few examples of the freak show:
Google Image/Rev. Harold Camping (False Prophet)
Rev. Camping’s Predictions
“Thus, we must realize that October 21, 2011 will be the final day of this earth’s existence.”
“And now, we have no option. We can’t say ‘maybe’ ‘it’s possible’ ‘it
looks very probable…’ No way! We have to say this is what the Bible teaches!
This is fact! May 21, 2011 is the
day of the Rapture, it is the day that Judgment Day begins…”
“When September 6, 1994,
arrives, no one else can become saved. The end has come.”
Really, Jesus? I’ve read that in the 90’s, Rev. Camping had approximately eight false Rapture predictions. And yet I hear today he’s worth 7 million dollars, while the people who took him seriously sold all their worldly goods to help him “spread the word.” Obviously, he didn’t think he was going very far if he held onto his own millions. Last time I checked, our money was no good in Heaven. But here’s the real kick in the balls: Rev. Camping refused to reimburse the people who sold their homes, crisscrossed the country screaming “the end is near,” and used all their life savings to advertise Rev. Campings false predictions (some foolish guy invested $144,000 of his retirement—all he had).
Google Image/Anita Perry (Wife of Rick Perry)
“God was already speaking to me,” she [Anita Perry] said, “but he [Rick] didn’t want to hear it” (on hearing the distinct voice of God tell her that her husband should run for president and “take back our nation”). . . . “We’ve been brutalized. Beaten up, chewed up in the press … We’ve been brutalized by our opponents and our own party. So much that is I think they look at him [Rick] because of his faith.”
Jesus, what Anita is saying, just isn’t true. Ricky is being chewed up in the press because he’s saying idiotic and “anti-you” things but claiming to be called by you to be our next president. On one hand, he’s presenting himself as a “good, upstanding Christian” (your knight in shining armor), and on the other hand, he’s pathetically defending the existence of a damn rock that bore the name “Niggerhead” at a hunting camp he and his family owned for years in a place that was once considered a “sundown town.” (Translation: “Don’t let the sun go down, Nigger, while you are still in our town.”) Ricky says he painted over that rock in 1983, but at least seven other hunters claim to have seen the sign “unpainted” as late as 2008, and others have said that even with the sign currently painted, discernable letters are still visible.
Google Image/Throckmorton (Rick Perry’s Hunting Camp)
So, Jesus, here is the $64,000 question: If this man loves you and is called by you to govern people of all races and colors, why didn’t that sign break his heart? I know plenty of righteous white folks (some of them live in Texas, too) who wouldn’t have slept until that rock was ground into dust, scattered to the four corners of the Earth, and an exorcist brought into the camp to cleanse it of its racist past.
Now your “man of God,” is resurfacing the insulting Birther lie about our president. When asked why, this “good Christian man” is doing such a mean-spirited thing, he said: “It’s fun to poke at him (Obama) a little bit and say, ‘Hey, how about it. Let’s see your grades and your birth certificate’” (keeping alive the lie the Tea Party spread that our President may have lied about his schooling). Seriously, Jesus? Does Rick Perry really want to “go there” having graduated as a cheerleader from Texas A&M with mediocre to failing grades in his core subjects? Does he really want to bear the shame of the world comparing his grades against Barack Obama’s who was the president of the Harvard Law Review? Rick Perry held a prayer meeting in your name to kick off his presidential campaign, so why is he “poking” fun at his president and mine? Is Rick jealous or just flat out mean? Somehow the “love your brother as yourself” just isn’t cutting it with him, and it’s making that prayer meeting of his seem like a total sham.
Google Image/AFP||Getty Image
Westboro Baptist Church “Screaming hatred in the name of Jesus”
Now about that sick Westboro Baptist Church: This picture speaks a thousand words. Are these people really going to Heaven? I seriously might have to reconsider your offer about heaven if I have the slightest potential of living with these racist, homophobic, misanthropic people for an eternity. Please, say it isn’t so!
You see what I’m sayin’, Jesus; it’s all so perverse! To Hell with this creepy Rapture stuff! I know it’s a lie made up by some dude named John Darby in the 1800’s, but you’d be stunned to know how many people actually believe in it and “sell it” like their lives depended on it while their actions are the antithesis of you and what you stand for.
- “You’ll be riding along in an automobile. You’ll be the driver perhaps. You’re a Christian. There’ll be several people in the automobile with you, maybe someone who is not a Christian. When the trumpet sounds you and the other born-again believers in that automobile will be instantly caught away — you will disappear, leaving behind only your clothes and physical things that cannot inherit eternal life. That unsaved person or persons in the automobile will suddenly be startled to find the car suddenly somewhere crashes…. Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on … every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the driver’s wheel.” Jerry Falwell’s pamphlet: Nuclear War and the Second Coming of Christ
Remember Jerry Falwell’s multitudinous hurtful and racist statements committed in your name when he was alive? So, if Jerry was correct about the Rapture, that would make you the God of Chaos! Sheesh! (Important reminder, Lord Jesus: Jerry Falwell also died very rich and politically powerful while preaching we all needed to prepare to be “snatched up” and leave everything behind.)
No disrespect, my Lord, but why do you let these jokers get away with this? Why don’t you say something or, better yet, do something?
Unless…unless you have already raptured everyone a long time ago, and I’ve been left behind with the likes of Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Herman Cain, Rush Limbaugh, Rick Perry, and the Westboro Baptist Church, just to name a few of the wingnuts! Oh, my God, what if Fox News is the official news channel for Hell? I never thought of that! Oy vez mir.
Please, please return soon.
Trying to be one of your servants, C-‘48
Google Image of Jesus (not really—just his human skin-casing)
COPY OF RESPONSE FROM JESUS
I am Jesus’ executive assistant and I wanted to get back to you as soon as possible with a letter that he specifically dictated to you. He sends his apologies that he couldn’t personally speak to you himself (he does far less of that than people claim), but he is dealing with all the mayhem throughout the world that is being caused by the choices of humans who refuse to do right by each other and the Earth.
Jesus asked me to let you know that he feels your pain. He also wants to assure you that he never said anything crazy people have maintained he said throughout the centuries—from the murderous crusaders to Rick Perry’s wife saying God told her, “Rick should run for president and take our country back.” Jesus’ exact response to all of this, to put it in a nutshell, is: “They are ‘mashugana’”!
As to the Westboro Baptist Church, Jesus has nothing to say about them because he doesn’t know them—you might try Satan’s website for those who have signed up for early registration to Hell.
My boss said to remind you that what he did say to those people, who claim to be acting on his behalf, is a matter of public record:
- “Be wary of false preachers who smile a lot, dripping with practiced sincerity. Chances are they are out to rip you off some way or other. Don’t be impressed with charisma; look for character. Who preachers are is the main thing, not what they say. A genuine leader will never exploit your emotions or your pocketbook. . . .Knowing the correct password — saying ‘Master, Master,’ for instance — isn’t going to get you anywhere with me. . . I can see it now—at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, ‘Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.’ And do you know what I am going to say? ‘You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don’t impress me one bit. You’re out of here.’” (Matt. 7:21-23 The Message Bible—bold and underline emphasis = mine)
Jesus also asked me to tell you that as to this blatant worship of capitalism that is running amok through so many Christians who think he’s an American and a Republican, and who are so against social justice, he’s just “not down” with that. It is a “cancer” enhanced by the discipleship to people like Glenn Beck (not a spokesman of his, by the way) to Ayn Rand’s philosophy of objectivism which she laid out so poorly in Atlas Shrugged. My boss is still puzzled that Christians can read the ninety pages of John Galt’s speech in Atlas Shrugged which is a manifesto to greed, hubris, self-centeredness, disdain and contempt for the poor, and cold-heartedness to the disenfranchised, and his peeps don’t walk away feeling sick to their stomach when they measure it against his Sermon on the Mount. Finally, what he actually said to all of them, and they are purposely ignoring, is still a matter of public record:
- “Then he (Jesus) will turn to the ‘goats’ (heartless, self-centered, mean-spirited, self-righteous Christians) the ones on his left, and say, ‘Get out, worthless goats! You’re good for nothing but the fires of hell. And why? Because—
- I was hungry and you gave me no meal,
- I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,
- I was homeless and you gave me no bed,
- I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,
- Sick and in prison, and you never visited.’
“Then those ‘goats’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn’t help?’ He will answer them, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.’” Matt: 25:41-43 (The Message Bible – parentheses, bold, and underlining emphasis = mine)
One last point, C-‘48: Jesus asked me to tell you not to believe everything you hear. I believe he said: “If it walks like a fool, and talks like a fool, then it is a fool and has nothing to do with me or what I am about.”
Hope this helps and brings you peace. Keep on believin’, keep on representin’, and keep on lovin’ regardless of the haters!
All the Best.
Jesus’ EA, Heavenly Dimension, Inc.
I am a Christian, BUT not one of those Christians!
“I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” Mahatma Gandhi
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