(Satire from the desk of E. Tomczyk)
HEAVEN (Other Worldly Times-Tribune)—yesterday, an editorial in the Courts of the King Gazette took much of the Universe by surprise. The editorial—believed to be penned by God himself—was a confession from God that he did, indeed, allow Pat Robertson to be deluded by the thought that The Donald had a “mandate from heaven” to be President of the United States as was declared by the “good” Reverend the other day on the Christian Broadcasting Network:
“I believe … the president of the United States is in danger of losing the mandate of heaven if he permits this (the withdrawal of US troops embedded with the Turks) to happen…“The president, who allowed Khashoggi to be cut into pieces without any repercussions whatsoever, is now allowing the Christians and the Kurds to be massacred by the Turks…”
HOWEVER, according to unnamed sources in the King’s court, it seems God’s definition of a “mandate of heaven” does not mean the same thing as the false prophet Robertson thinks it means. Consequently, I’ve been told by sources close to him that the God of Heaven is pissed that Robertson has put words in his mouth—yet again.
St. Peter, Heaven’s Gate Keeper, was most happy to set the record straight about the origin of the phrase “Mandate from Heaven.”
“The Mandate of Heaven, also known as ‘Tianming,’ is a Chinese philosophy from the era of 481/403 BCE – 221 BCE,” said St. Peter. “Mark Cartright from The Ancient History Encyclopedia describes Tianming to be:
‘The ancient god or divine force known as Heaven or Sky had selected this particular individual to rule on its behalf on earth. An important element of the mandate was that although the ruler had been given great power he also had a moral obligation to use it for the good of his people, if he did not then his state would suffer terrible disasters and he would lose the right to govern.’
“It has been co-opted by the likes of Robertson to underscore their prejudicial political crowning of various White male politicians,” said St. Peter. “It did not escape Heaven’s gaze when one of our favorite sons, Barack Obama, became President of the United States and Mr. Robertson and every White Right-wing Conservative minister withheld said title from him,” remarked St. Peter. “They called him everything but a child of God and would have deemed it blasphemy to ‘anoint’ him with the so-called ‘mandate of heaven.’ And I very much doubt that the title will be applied to any of the women running for President or our delightful Mayor Pete.”
“There are those who believe a joke has been played on Rev. Robertson, but he is not in on it,” said an unnamed source who has direct access to God. “There is a ‘mandate of heaven’ on The Donald all right, but his mandate (unbeknownst to him or Robertson and his ilk) is not so he’ll be a great leader or win the Nobel Peace Prize as he thinks. Trump’s mandate is to carry on in his true unrepentant nature so that he crashes and burns and brings down the Right-wing Evangelical churches and groups with him who so stubbornly support a diabolical creature in the name of God in the quest for their own lust of power and greed. Trump is a Trojan horse, so to speak, and by the time he finishes as the wrecking ball he is wont to be (pardon the mixed metaphors), hopefully enough of his Evangelical supporters’ eyes will be opened to the truth to course-correct that wing of Christendom or it will be thrown out onto the trash heap of history.”
Another source from the inner circle, who also asked not to be named, said that she believes “God wants to expose the duplicity and hypocrisy in the Christian church in such a revelatory way that he has purposely given the Right-wing Christian leaders enough blind self-righteous rope to hang themselves.” By the time they realize how far they’ve gone out on the gangplank for Trump (once again, pardon the mixed metaphors!), the Church as they know it to be will have no moral authority left in the land and will have to start from scratch emulating the character of Christ if they want to have any credibility. When I asked my unnamed source if she thought the destruction of the Right-wing Evangelical Church was a bit harsh, she replied: “Not in the least. Everybody talking about Heaven ain’t goin’ there, as the old gospel song says. Better they find out here that they royally screwed up rather than on their death beds. Waking up (before it is too late) to discover that you’ve placed the mandate of heaven on a demon from Hell and you can’t do anything about it would be…well—hell.”
Yesterday, the Other Worldly Times-Tribune received a photo of a wanted poster in an unmarked envelope. The caption under the photo said, “A special place in Hell awaits this dude once he has finished his journey on Earth. If you have any incriminating evidence on one Donald J. Trump (masquerading as the President of the United States), please contact 1-666-GOTOHELL.”
WANTED IN HELL: DONALD J. TRUMP
Calls himself “The Chosen One” and according to Pat Robertson has the Mandate from Heaven on his life. He is over six-feet tall and morbidly obese. Trump is believed to be mentally ill and is armed with arrogance, and is considered dangerous. He has been heard to boast that he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and get away with it. He’s just what the Devil is looking for.
Bragged about grabbing women by the kitty
Lying (told 12,019 false or misleading claims over 928 days)
Hubris (claims to have great and unmatched wisdom)
Lusting after his own daughter
Sold his soul for money, power, and fame years ago
Guilty of heartlessly wanting to stock moats with alligators and snakes at southern border
Guilty of ripping children from the parents of asylum seekers causing irreparable emotional damage
Guilty of wanting to shoot illegal immigrants in the legs
Betrayed the Kurds for Two Trump Towers in Istanbul
Turned a blind eye to the Kurds being massacred
Turned his back on climate change
Coddles White Supremacists
Sucks up to autocrats and demagogues
Boasts of shooting someone on 5th avenue and getting away with it
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
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