I hate to say this folks (and I sure hope I’m wrong), but I’m pretty convinced that this Thanksgiving is the calm before the storm—the last big non-religious, national family feast day—before the outbreak of the civil war next November between the MAGA nation and the Americans who value truth. According to AAA, 55 million of us will be traveling to visit family and friends for the Thanksgiving holiday. That’s a whole lot of turkey eating and at least a solid chance for 90% of us to strangle, stab, shoot, pummel, or disinherit at least one or two very close relatives. (That murder rate drops significantly if one belongs to a family of clones who think alike, look alike, vote alike, dress alike, and basically don’t say more than two words to each other the entire Thanksgiving meal.) You and I are not one of them. We know we’re headed for a civil war, put in motion by a mad king, and we think this may be the last family gathering where we can knock some sense into our Fox News watching, Donald Trump loving, science denying family. May I make a suggestion? Let’s call a détente (the easing of hostility or strained relations) until Monday, December 2nd. Let’s pretend that we are one big happy national family, and our biggest problem is that we forgot to pack our stretchy pants with the elastic waistband.
THANKSGIVING DÉTENTE GUIDELINES
#1. To make this détente function at its best, we will have to establish some ground rules, of course. First of all, if you are hosting, it would be best to warn your guests in advance that your home will be a politic-free zone. Those who can’t adhere to this rule need to know that the penalty will be immediate banishment. (Even if you are all of the same political persuasion, talk about art, love, travel—anything but Trump…our hearts and minds need a freakin’ break from the Mad King.)
#2. Send out homework before Thanksgiving Day to make sure your family and friends know what is at stake for their souls and the survival of your family unit if they break the détente and slip into political rancor with your T-Day guests. Close family quarters, alcohol, turkey carving knives, and guns (would suggest you tell your guests that your home will be a gun-free zone) are a recipe for disaster when political arguments start to go down in the age of Trump. Given the state of the scary craziness Trump has driven our nation to, it is best to know what types of family murders can occur if a mention of him and/or his antics are allowed under the Thanksgiving détente tent and tempers are not kept in check (have your guests memorize them before arrival):
THIS IS WHAT IS AT STAKE SHOULD POLITICS HOLD SWAY ON T-DAY AT OUR FAMILY GATHERINGS (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):
Mariticide = the act of killing one’s husband or romantic partner
Patricide = the act of killing one’s father
Fratricide = the act of killing one’s brother
Sororicide = the act of killing one’s sister
Uxoricide = the act of killing one’s wife
Avunculicide = the act of killing one’s uncle
Matricide = the act of killing one’s mother
Nepoticide = the act of killing one’s nephew
Amicicide = the act of killing a friend
Vaticide = the act of killing a prophet (you never know when one of these may drop by)
Blockacide = the act of killing a Facebook friend connection
At the bottom of the pre-celebration homework page, I suggest the following quote by George Bernard Shaw be listed as a pre-dinner meditation: “The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguments for it, and become blind to the arguments against it.”
#3. Upon arrival for T-Day celebration, I suggest the host or hostess prominently display a sign at the front door that says: “Abandon all cell phones, MAGA hats, Pink Pussy hats, and political T-shirts here, and park all egos out back by the garbage cans. Only humility and grace need enter.”
#4. Consider providing party favors in the form of colorful elastic snap bands with James 1:19 inscribed upon them: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” Guests should be encouraged to utilize the bands whenever they feel like pummeling one of their family members by “snapping” the bands against their wrists to bring them back to their senses should they start to jeopardize the Thanksgiving détente. Finally, if you have really, really hard-headed friends and relatives, you might need to bring out the big guns with a very blatant banner draped above the dining area to help keep everyone focused: KINDNESS AND COURTEOUSNESS TO ONE ANOTHER ARE NOT SIGNS OF WEAKNESS!
I know it sounds like a bit of a cliché, but having everyone who is present say one thing they are grateful for in their own lives and about each family member to their left and right might just keep the détente going after Thanksgiving and prevent a civil war that is fast approaching on the heels of the presidential election in 2020. After all, long after the spell that President Cheeto has cast upon our nation has been broken, and Trump is gone and forgotten, we’ll still need the love and strength of our families to pick up the pieces and rebuild a nation.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MY PEEPS! MAY IT BE FULL OF LOVE, LAUGHTER, JOY, AND GRACE!
ENJOY MY FAVORITE VINTAGE THANKSGIVING CARTOON BY CARTOONIST RICK MCKEE
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.