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LET’S ALL PANIC AND ABANDON OUR VALUES

Do you know what I am discovering?  It is so good to be Queen!  I’ve got to tell you, my husband and I retired to paradise.  Lawd, have mercy, it is exquisite. I didn’t know that there were places like this on Earth.  Everything is simply perfect—at least now it is.  You see, in the beginning, I had a bit of a problem with foreign entities coming over the border (the nature preserve my property backs up to) and terrorizing my lawn and landscaping, which I paid a pretty penny for.  I’ve shelled out hundreds of dollars to fight terrorism from moles, voles, rabbits, and deer, but to no avail.  Then one day, I was listening to some of the GOP candidates, a chancellor of a Christian college, and the attorney of the cop who executed a Black teenager in Chicago, and I realized that they (Trump, Carson, and Huckabee especially, and the bad cop in particular) were onto a weapon of warfare that was ingenious:  keep broadcasting fear until the American voter panics in sheer terror, succumbs to the will of the fear mongers, abandons all his or her so-called Judeo-Christian values, and makes decisions from a fear-based rationale!  Can we all shout:  “HALLELUJAH?”

Replacing Fear with Gratitude John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

Of course!  Why hadn’t I thought of this tactic as a way to eradicate the terrorists on my land?  I’m not saying that all moles, voles, rabbits, and deer are terrorists, but enough of them are to warrant ruthless measures against the entire animal kingdom.  (Although, I must say that I’d been taught to always disdain moles in particular, and that “the only good mole was a dead mole.”)  Besides, desperate times call for desperate means, and I didn’t spend my hard-earned savings on my retirement Shangri-La to have it overrun by these foreigners.

I’d tried saner means:  I’ve used pickle juice, castor oil, bleach, red pepper, juicy fruit gum, and even human hair balls to keep them off my property, but to no avail.  I even tried to bribe my next door neighbor’s cat with fancier cat food than what he normally gets to come and patrol my grounds, but he blew me off.  I would have tried more diabolical methods (broken glass, razor blades, and explosives in the soil), however, my homeowner’s association frowns upon such tactics.  But when I discovered I could broadcast fear through battery-powered ultrasonic devices and vibrators strategically implanted in my golf course perfect lawn, I won the day!  These instruments of terror constantly and consistently emit high pitched noises that sound like the screams of a vole/mole/rabbit’s worst enemies causing them to be in a constant state of agitation until they are driven back in terror.

BOOH-RAH!  THANK YOU, JESUS!  I HAVE WON THE DAY!

Fear of Martians Trump Taylor Jones,El Nuevo Dia Puerto Rico

Cartoon used by permission: Taylor Jones, El Nuevo, Dia Puerto Rico

Feeling quite smug and very proud of myself, I retired for the evening and promptly began to dream.  I dreamt of a gathering of animals deep in the woodlands behind my house.  There were a couple moles and voles, a few rabbits, several snakes, two buzzards, and an owl who seemed to be their leader. It appeared to be some type of resistance movement, and pictures of me were plastered all over the trees that encircled them.

[A rather large owl is seen pounding a stick against a tree stump directly in front of him]

OWL:  “Order!  Let’s all come to order.  We have a lot to accomplish tonight before the first light of day, and we have to go back into hiding.  We are being terrorized by the worst sort of enemy—a born-again Christian who has abandoned her values.  Where the Great God, who created us all, has commanded in scripture that man take dominion over the Earth (as in take care of the Earth and its creatures, which includes not polluting the land), the owner of this bit of Earth has taken it to mean ‘use any means necessary to torment those less fortunate or powerless in order to have an enviable lawn and property.’  Her tactics have brought trauma on all our friends, relatives, and neighbors. It appears that she is being greatly influenced by the fear tactics of a human group called the GOP, which surprises me.  I thought she had abandoned that group years so.  Anyway, before we can work out our strategy against this homeowner (who refuses to share her resources as Christ commands), we need to have a trial.  I call Keisha the Mole as the first witness.  Keisha, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

KEISHA THE MOLE:  “I do, your Owlness.”

OWL:  “Then let us proceed.  Little Keisha, you are the last one of your tunnel hood.  All your relatives have been obliterated or run off to internment camps.  Can you tell us what happened in your own words?”

KEISHA THE MOLE:  “Well, you see what had happened was, my family used to live in the hood called the Wilderness Preserve for hundreds of years, but then a nasty-ass ruler came into power.  His name be Land Developer, and he cut down a lot of our wooded lots where I grew up.  The lady blogger bought a house on one of those lots, and we had no choice but to venture onto her property to get food and shelter ‘cause our homesteads were being systematically destroyed.  A lot of us were homeless, and many of us was hungry.”

OWL:  “What about the stories we’ve been hearing about your youth being gunned down in the streets by keepers of the law?”

KEISHA THE MOLE:  “Well, Missy Landowner say it ‘cause she fears us.  I heard her talkin’ to her sista on the phone one day when she was catchin’ the breeze on her screened in porch, and she was pleadin’ with her sister to bring up her BB gun from South Carolina when she come for Christmas.  Said she was the law here and she’d shoot to kill every goddamn mole she saw and claim it was ‘cause she feared for her life.”

Fear for my life Milt Priggee www miltpriggee com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com

OWL:  “All right Miss Keisha, you can step down now.  The court calls to the witness stand a Mr. Orlando Vole.  Mr. Vole, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

VOLE: “I do your Honor.”

OWL:  “Then you may proceed.

O. VOLE:  “Before I begin, I need to correct the record.  My name is Dr. Orlando Bloom Vole.  I have two PhD’s:  one in animal husbandry and one in human psychology.  I have been observing humans for many years, and it hasn’t been this bad for a long, long time—not since the dark days of lynching in the South.  It is as if human hearts have hardened toward each other as well as the Earth that sustains them.  I travel far and wide through the tunnels my cousins the moles have provided across Virginia, and yesterday I sat in on a student/faculty meeting at Liberty University—a Christian place of learning which claims to be raising up the next generation of leaders.  I heard the Chancellor tell thousands of 18 – 22 year-olds to start packing heat so that if “the Muslims” show up at Liberty, his students and faculty would teach them a lesson.  Jerry Falwell, Jr. said:  ‘I’ve always thought if more good people had concealed carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in.’  The audience cheered.”

Pat Robertson Hate Ratings

Pat Robertson—a champion of the Religious Right, Founder of Christian Broadcasting Network

OWL:  “Immature College kids packing heat on a college campus.  What could possibly go wrong with that scenario?  Oy vez mir!”

VOLE: “My point is, your Honor, where is the love? If so many of the Christians in this great country of ours have no compassion or restraint toward each other, than the Earth and all of its animal inhabitants are toast. It is as their great book says: ‘In the end of days, man’s love for one another will grow cold.’  Your Honor, it is my opinion that the Conservative Evangelical Christian community has allowed their fears to destroy their values.

OWL:  “Thank you, Dr. Vole.  Informative as always.  And now to our final witness.  Would John Deer come up and take the stand?  Is John Deer in the house?  Has anyone seen John Deer?”

[There is a great commotion in the trees, and much flurry and wing flapping as a giant buzzard lands in the gathering of the animal caucus.] 

OWL:  “Whooooooo goes there?”

LB:  “It’s me, your Honor—Lionel Buzzard.  I’ve come on behalf of John Deer.  He is no longer with us, but before he had a heart attack due to the terror he suffered at the hands of said blogger, he asked that I read a statement to the court on his behalf.”

OWL:  “Proceed.”

LB:  “’I, John Deer, being of sound mind but full of fear and angish wish to encourage my fellow friends and neighbors to speak up about the great terrorization brought upon them by the new land owner, Eleanor the Blogger, before it is too late.  I didn’t speak up, and I regret it.  First Eleanor, the Blogger came for the Moles, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Mole.  Then she came for the Voles, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Vole. Then she came for the Rabbits, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Rabbit. Then she came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.  Speak up, my friends.  SPEAK UP FOR THE REFUGEE, SPEAK UP FOR THE DISENFRANCHISED, THE POOR, THE VOICELESS—SPEAK, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!’”

Thanksgiving I John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission:  John Darkow, Columbia Daily-Tribune, Missouri/Cagle Cartoons

***

I woke up the next morning extremely out of sorts.  As I sipped my morning coffee while surveying my ornament laden, mole, vole, and deer-free lawn from my office window, I noticed a poster on a stick in the middle of the lit lawn decorations.  As I adjusted my binoculars to get a better view, a chill went down my spine, and I knew life would never be the same.

“MOLE LIVES MATTER!

THIS MEANS WAR, BITCH!!”

Refugees Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: The Columbus Dispatch/Cagle Cartoons

***

I am discovering that if God returned to Earth today, he’d be really pissed.  Everything that is going on in the Earth is a test for humanity.  Can’t anybody else see that the answer to the test is love, compassion, grace, and mercy—not more guns?  We’ve had these tests before, and we humans have summarily failed them because we let fear motivate our actions or render us ineffective.  When Hitler came to power, the mostly Christian nation (96% Lutheran and Catholic) of Germany reacted in fear against their Jewish friends and neighbors and the annihilation of 6 million Jews shortly followed.  (When the USA had a chance to take in Jewish refugees, we refused to loosen our stringent immigration laws because we were afraid the Germans would slip in with them—so we said.  Personally, I think it was outright anti-Semitism.)   When the KKK ruled the South during the Jim Crow era in America, lynching and slaughtering Black folks for sport (from ten-year-olds to ninety-year olds), just because we wanted to be treated like human beings, caused most Whites—good church-going people—to turn their backs on our plight.  (Have you noticed that all KKK members have always been White, male, and predominately Christians [thus the burning cross to terrorize its victims], and yet our politicians and history books have never, ever declared the KKK as American home-grown terrorists and smeared the entire White, male, Christian race with a terrorist paint brush—those “Christian extremists”?)  Then why are we listening to politicians and religious leaders who are painting the entire Muslim religion with a terrorist brush, pushing us into fear and toward mass hatred and potential mass murder?  All religions have cults—the KKK is a Christian cult; ISIS and its many derivatives are Muslim cults.  A cult by definition is a group of people who try to instill their will on the non-compliant via force.

And don’t even get me started on American slavery . . .

Family of Man:  this is a test, a very important test.  We have failed it before . . . please, let’s not fail this test again.  I know we must protect ourselves (as we should)—I’m not an idiot.  But it can be done without losing our humanity.  If it can’t, than screw this concept that “we are a Christian nation,” and let’s do whatever the hell we want—because, Baby, this ain’t what Jesus would do.

***

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—

 Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—

 Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—

 Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Pastor Martin Niemöller (1892–1984)

A Protestant pastor and social activist in Nazi Germany.

Imprisoned by the Nazi regime (June 27, 1937)

(No animals were hurt in the making of this tale.  In fact, I could swear that I saw a rabbit give me the finger as a mole hitched a ride on the rabbit’s back at dusk to check out my new Christmas lawn ornaments—not to mention the herd of deer (8 at last count) who calmly sashayed past my office window, chomping down on my newly revitalized plants while they dared me to come out and mess with them.)

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (hardcopy and Kindle)

REFERENCES

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/12/04/politicians-need-to-ditch-their-inflammatory-rhetoric.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/fear-faith-and-the-rise-of-ben-carson/2015/11/30/3a94c1d2-93a9-11e5-a2d6-f57908580b1f_story.html?hpid=hp_hp-top-table-main_carsonsupporter-910pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-is-a-bigot-and-a-racist/2015/12/01/a2a47b96-9872-11e5-8917-653b65c809eb_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-e%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.cnn.com/2015/12/05/us/liberty-university-urges-armed-students/index.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/ben-carson-syrian-refugees-jordan_565db798e4b08e945fec829f

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/aryeh-neier/syrian-refugees_b_8690014.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on December 6, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Thank You for Being So Stupid (Strictly Satire)

Do you know what I discovered this week?   I owe a few people in the news some personal thank you notes in response to some of the things they have said and done recently.  They claim to be Born-Again Christians, and as a Born-Again believer, I have been greatly offended and embarrassed by them (mortified would be a better word).  But this week I had an “Aha” moment after the debut of Kim Davis, the Kentucky County Clerk!  I realized that nobody could be that stupid—that her shtick must be a ruse.  And the people who championed her—Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz (and let us not forget dear, precious Donald Trump)—must be agents for the Democratic Party who have been planted to bring down the Republican Party as we know it, tie up the 2016 Presidential election in a bow and deliver it to the Democrats, and destroy the bigoted, narrow-minded arm of the Christian Church in such a way that people will stop going to those kinds of churches for a hundred years or more.  Oh my God, it is so obvious—why didn’t I see that before?  Carry on, “Christian Soldiers”—you’re doing a kick-ass job!

Cruz Davis Huckabee Hate John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune, Cagle Cartoons

***

KIM DAVIS (Kentucky County Clerk)

Kim Davis I John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

Dear Kim:

Thank you so much for the amazing way you’ve drawn attention to the great hypocrisy within certain sections of Christianity.  The hardcore fear and ignorance that you are standing your ground on, as you pretend to be obeying the “voice of God,” is a stroke of genius.  Sister-friend, you are my hero!  Most Americans have no idea that you are a plant to destroy the credibility of those ignorant, racist, homophobic, holier-than-thou citizens who claim to be “true Americans” as Sarah Palin calls them.  (Speaking of SP, I’ve often thought she was a double agent for the Democratic Party by the way she almost single-handedly ushered in the nomination for Barack Obama in 2008 with her birther nonsense, because nobody could actually be that stupid. But as a secret agent I’m sure you won’t be able to confirm or deny Palin’s espionage status.  That’s cool.) 

Anyway, my Christian Sister, you have got this holier-than-thou thing down pat.  The long dresses, the hair hanging down to your butt, the sanctimonious face, the dowdy look, the feigned ignorance, the vitriolic speech, and not to mention the church attendance three times a week.  Wow, impressive!  You go, girl!  But I do have to ask how you justify the three divorces and four marriages in your life? (You can tell me; I won’t reveal your secret.) Were you already divorced three times before you became an agent?  ‘Cause that does cause a problem as far as your brand of Biblical credibility is concerned, and it definitely causes people to throw up in their mouths over the hypocrisy of it all.  I mean, don’t get me wrong—I’m not judging you at all.  All of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, so the Bible says.  But it kind of skewers your credibility as a guardian of traditional Christian marriage against the sin of homosexuals getting married, doesn’t it?  But maybe that is the point.  People will see through your hypocrisy and flee the Christian Church.   We’re hanging by a thread as it is.  Hopefully, they will stay away until all the haters and hypocrites are swept out of the Church like Jesus did the money changers in the temple in Jerusalem.  Boy, you’re good, Kim!

Kim Davis FB II

And between you and me, how did you deal with the disparity of not obeying the other Biblical laws that are found in and around the same Old Testament passages about God “hating homosexuals.”  For instance, I read that you’ve had four kids which are all in their twenties now—including a set of twins born out of wedlock.  (Once again, I don’t judge you, girlfriend—shit happens.  I get it.)  Surely, at least one of those kids must have rebelled against you as a parent.  (I raised teenagers, and girl—they are a trip!  If I had known you could stone them for being mouthy and rebellious, I might be in jail today.)  Are all of yours still alive or did you kill some of them as the Old Testament demands?  You know that scripture in Deuteronomy that says: “If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you.”  Oh, my God!  And, Honey, why are you still alive given the scripture in Leviticus 20 that is just three verses above the one about gays that you’re quoting as your right not to do your job, which says:  “And the man that commits adultery with another man’s wife, even he that commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.”  Holy Moly, how did you and at least one of your husbands not get stoned for the sin of adultery as staunch Bible literalists?  You are so courageous, sister-friend.

We the People Kim D Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons

Cartoon Used by Permission: Taylor Jones Political cartoons, Cagle Cartoons

I can see why Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz likened you to Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks.  The dichotomy is so obvious—enough to make people flee in disgust, actually.  Those two have got to be double agents, as well, to suggest something so stupid.  Mike and Ted can’t possibly think that the majority of Americans are that clueless to equate your refusal as a government employee to facilitate the constitutional rights of some are the same as two of our greatest heroes’ actions that fought to promote and establish constitutional rights for all American citizens.  I’ve got to send Mike and Ted thank you notes.  Well played, Kim—making us think that you’re suffering for Christ.  The more you press home that erroneous lie, the more people will see through the smoke screen.  (I loved the way you came out of the jail the other day—arms raised to the heavens while the Rocky theme song blared in the background.  Nice touch—appearing to play the martyr—by simply refusing to do your $80,000/year government job passed down to you by your mother.  It made my stomach turn, and as a Christian, I was mortified because there are Christians actually suffering imprisonment, torture, and death in North Korea, Somalia, Iraq, and Pakistan, just to name a few of the twenty or more countries. But I’m sure that is what you wanted Americans to feel so that we would get as far away from these shenanigans cooked up by the religious right as soon as possible.  Well played, my friend—well played!

Martin vs Kim Davis

Meme created by bettybowers.com

Kim Davis and Parks Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune/Cagle Cartoon

So keep on keepin’ on Saint Kim.  (I hear that you’ve returned to work—refusing to do your job but refusing to step aside as well.  That a girl!)  Maybe our eyes will be opened to the lies that your espionage is trying to expose.  Tell Huckabee and Cruz that their strategy is working to give the 2016 Presidential election to the Democrats.  No one in their right mind will show up in the voting booth for any Republican candidates in 2016 if they keep on acting like the majority of us are stupid, which is really a shame, because not all Christians are hypocrites and not all Republicans are idiots.

P.S. Is The Donald the “head double agent” for single-handedly destroying the Republican Party and all of its candidates?  Next time you see him, tell him he is doing a great job and is probably the sole reason Hillary will be sitting pretty in the White House next year.  He is a true American hero—the White Supremacists, the Neo-Nazis, and the Conservative Evangelicals love him to death.

Trump Crazy John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” OPRAH MOMENT) ABOUT KIM DAVIS, MIKE HUCKABEE, AND TED CRUZ

I am discovering that the three Musketeers of Christian bigotry and hatred (Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, and Ted Cruz) must think most of us have stupid written on our foreheads—especially if we are Born-Again Christians.  (Well, Baby, my Mama didn’t raise no fool!)  I’m here to declare that I am a proud Born-Again believer who loves Jesus to pieces and tries her best to do right by her God, and I abhor what Kim Davis has done and is doing.  I think Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are using that poor schmuck of a woman to instill fear and get money from the unthinking masses.   IMHO, they will toss Kim Davis out of their orbit like yesterday’s garbage when she no longer suits their fear-mongering purposes.  I sure hope she socked away a lot of savings from her overpaid government job in Kentucky that is denying the rights of people who pay her salary because she is going to need it when she loses her job—as she should.  Oy!

Stupid People Meme

(This is how I feel—as a Christian—about Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, and Ted Cruz)

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”—P. J. O’Rourke

“Along with racial equality and the late bloom of women’s rights, future generations will have to explain how, in the past, gays were misunderstood and publicly humiliated for loving each other, and, eventually, how they stood together and conquered stupidity and hypocritical hatred, and fought their way out of marginalization.”—iO Tillett Wright

ALL INSPRATIONAL QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquotes.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)*?  ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

Do you wonder why the author knows so much about what is happening behind the scenes in the Religious Right Movement and the political realm?  That’s because she used to be one of them.  She has lived it, survived it, and recorded it all in her latest book:  Fleeing Ozon sale now at Amazon.  It’s a funny, yet harrowing, testimony of escaping “The Church” with her faith intact.  Check it out!

REFERENCES

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/11/kim_davis_is_the_new_face_of_the_religious_right_angry_marginalized_and_increasingly_desperate_partner/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/11/kim_davis_is_the_new_face_of_the_religious_right_angry_marginalized_and_increasingly_desperate_partner/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2015/09/the-case-against-kim-davis-is-not-predicated-on-her-hypocrisy/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/14/back_at_square_one_defiant_kim_davis_returned_to_work_monday_and_declared_that_she_will_continue_not_to_do_her_job/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2015/09/pat-robertson-kim-davis-in-the-right-gays-wont-rest-until-christians-are-in-jail/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/09/the_vengeful_god_of_kim_davis_the_powerful_forces_we_ignore_when_we_fixate_on_one_kentucky_clerk/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/09/mika_brzezinski_tears_into_hypocritical_mike_huckabee_for_refusing_to_answer_a_simple_question_about_marriage_in_the_bible/

 
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Posted by on September 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

WTF HUCK!

Do you know what I discovered when I turned 66 this month? Sixty-six is not the new forty-six.  Whoever told us that is lyin’ through their teeth.  I mean I don’t look my age because it is true, for the most part, “black don’t crack,” but my innards are falling apart.  The morning of my sixty-sixth birthday, I swear to God my boobs dropped two more inches in search of the floor, and my stomach distended four more inches making me think I might be pregnant again (generating murderous thoughts toward WW’s thingie until I remembered that I’d gotten the “snatch” 20 years ago, so a pregnancy is damn near impossible).  As to the rest of my lady bits, lately I’ve been using my iPhone to locate women’s rest rooms and planning my events around bathroom breaks with declarative statements like:  “My Potty App is showing a toilet within 10 feet—why don’t I pee while I’m still here and the going is good.”

Old Age Pinterest pin Carol Middendorf

Pinned by Carol Middendorf from Pinterest

As I was “kvetching” over the sorry state of my body, I was mourning the passing of the years and wondering if I had grown spiritually and intellectually, or was I simply deteriorating back into the dust from which I was formed.   While I was downing a pint of coffee strong enough to cause internal combustion, I noticed two news articles online that made me spew my hot coffee all over my computer screen and summarily scream:

“WHAT THE FUCK, HUCK?”

Both news articles confirmed and reported on the second annual March for Marriage (organized by the conservative National Organization for Marriage) in front of the Capitol.  Fortunately, it was a bust with a showing of only 1,500 people (they expected tens of thousands) and one low-level elected official as one of the speakers. This “Christian” hate-filled march was such a yawn that I had no idea they were in town until I read that one of the speakers (Rev. Mike Huckabee) said something which made my head explode and prompted me to place an immediate phone call to Martin and Coretta King at “H-E-A-V-E-N-S-G-A-T-E.”

GLENDA: Heelloooo!  You’ve reached Glenda Angelina, assistant to the good Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. and his wife, the lovely Coretta King.  How may I help you?

ME:  Good Morning, Glenda.  I’m ET the Blogger and author of Monsters’ Throwdown, and I’d like to speak to Rev. King about an urgent matter.

GLENDA:  I know who you are.  I just ordered your book from Amazon Cloud”—it got great reviews in the Celestial Times.  Congrats.  Monsters’ Throwdown has become one of our favorite reads around here—poor black child makes good due to the courage and sacrifices of activists in the Civil Rights Movement really hits home.

ME:  Thanks . . . that’s so sweet.  I will always be indebted to Rev. King and all the others who laid down their lives for me.  Which is why I’m calling.  There has been an attempt to coopt Rev. King’s words and legacy in the name of an anti-gay movement.  Let me read you the titles of the two articles I read today that Dr. King should know about:

The Raw Story’s Mike Huckabee: Martin Luther King Jr. would agree that gay marriage is like the Holocaust” by David Edwards and Salon’s “Mike Huckabee on Martin Luther King Jr.: ‘I wish he were here today’ to join me in discriminating against LGBTQ people” by Katie McDonough.

Persecution of Gays Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Used by permission:  “Who Would Jesus Hate?” || Pat Bagley Salt Lake-Tribune

GLENDA:  Oh God, not again (remember when Glenn Beck tried to do this?).  Not only will Rev. King be appalled at how this “Rev.” Huckabee is abusing his reputation and words, but I think King Jesus will be none too pleased at how his words of love and not judging others have been twisted into actions of hate and harassment.  Haven’t the followers of Jesus discovered that in the end “love wins?”

ME:  Well, it’s not all Christians.  This Huckabee guy just has a misunderstanding of the Bible and a big mouth.  He also wants to be elected president in 2016, so he’s pandering to the African-American and Hispanic churches because he knows these denominations are still clinging to some pretty harsh anti-gay rhetoric and lack of inclusion within their churches.  Yet, I don’t know a black church that doesn’t have a ton of gay members who are hiding out in their churches’ closets (starting with the choir directors and moving on down to the deacon and mission boards), just waiting for their place of worship to be a safe haven to come out.   I’m a black Christian, and even though I was against gay marriage many years ago—like President Obama, I evolved.  During the time I was conflicted, I made a list one day of all the pathetic “Christian (heterosexual) marriages” I intimately knew about—husbands cheating on their wives, husbands feeling up other men’s wives, husbands abusing their wives and children, churches instilling fear that gay rights would ruin Christian marriages and children while covering up massive pedophilia cases within their schools and Sunday Schools  (all of them virulently anti-gay)—and I compared these vile stories to the lovely gay and lesbian families I knew (solid faithful marriages, better parents than I’d ever been, and more service-oriented toward the homeless and the disenfranchised than any Christian I had ever known).  Not to mention that their gay marriages had not hurt my marriage of 35 years one iota.  At that point I decided I was “mashugana,” and I repented regarding my ignorant stance on gay rights.

GLENDA:  Mike Huckabee needs to do his homework because he is dead wrong.  Rev. King would have been marching with the LGBTQ community in support of Gay rights because he, too, was always evolving.   Anyway, his wife knows where Martin stood on these issues because she spoke to this point on many occasions—not the least of when she spoke at an event in 1998.  If I remember correctly, Coretta Scott King said:

“I still hear people say that I should not be talking about the rights of lesbian and gay people and I should stick to the issue of racial justice.  But I hasten to remind them that Martin Luther King Jr. said, ‘Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.’ I appeal to everyone who believes in Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream to make room at the table of brother-and sisterhood for lesbian and gay people.”

Gay Marriage Horsey Los Angeles Times

Cartoonist David Horsey, Los Angeles Times

ME:  I know, I know . . . I am sure that Rev. King would have lead a march against the NOM organizers and made his position known loud and clear that he despised their stand on gay rights.  Can you deliver my message to him that his legacy and words are being coopted by the likes of that hater Huckabee and have Rev. King do something about this before it is too late?

GLENDA:  I’m afraid neither Rev. King nor Mrs. King can be interrupted right now.  Rev. King is watching the World Cup with Jesus, Gandhi, Golda Meir, Anwar Sadat, Menachem Begin, Harvey Milk, Marilyn Monroe, Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant , and a slew of Palestinian martyrs (don’t ask).  Mrs. King is having lunch with Eleanor Roosevelt, St. Teresa of Avila, Joan of Arc, Anne Frank, and Rosa Parks.  But I know what Rev. King would say to you.  He would tell you that his fight is done.  He has passed the baton of civil rights for all to you and others like you.  You must fight the good fight and never give up—build on the legacy he left you.  Can you do that?

Gay Rights John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Used by permission:  Gay Rights John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

***

I am discovering that I may be an old fart but I am evolving into a better human being.  As I’ve grown older, I may not be able to hold my urine for more than a couple hours, but I’ve learned not to judge others and how to love those who are different than I am.   There was a time when it would have been against the law for my white husband and me to be married, and there would have been no where we could have lived together without fear of harassment and scorn. Today we live in neighborhoods where our neighbors adore us because of who we are and what we contribute to the common good.  I will not stop speaking out in support of gay rights until my gay brothers and sisters enjoy the same.

Anti Gay Agenda Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Used by permission:  Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

We are each made for goodness, love, and compassion. Our lives are transformed as much as the world is when we live with these truths.”—Desmond Tutu

“Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.”—Ellen DeGeneres

 “Homophobia is like racism and anti-Semitism and other forms of bigotry in that it seeks to dehumanize a large group of people, to deny their humanity, their dignity and personhood. . . .This sets the stage for further repression and violence that spread all too easily to victimize the next minority group.”—Coretta Scott King, Source: Chicago Sun Times, April 1, 1998, p.18.

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE BLOGGER?  CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

REFERENCES

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/06/19/mike-huckabee-martin-luther-king-jr-would-agree-that-gay-marriage-is-like-the-holocaust/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/20/nom-march-for-marriage_n_5515276.html

http://www.salon.com/2014/06/20/mike_huckabee_on_martin_luther_king_jr_i_wish_he_were_here_today_to_join_me_in_discriminating_against_lgbtq_people/

http://www.sdgln.com/causes/2014/01/15/what-would-martin-luther-king-jr-say-about-gay-rights#sthash.RzzkmE3Y.dpbs

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 
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Posted by on June 22, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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War of the Worlds

Do you know what I’ve discovered?  The cicadas are coming—they are coming, and they will arrive in my area in 2021 after a 17 year hiatus.  I’ll be 73 then—WTF!  God only knows how I’m going to handle them the next time around.   The last time they were here, I almost lost my mind, almost broke my leg after falling down my deck stairs while running from their attack against my body, almost got into a car accident, and almost went deaf at the sound of their horny cacophony.  Left to my own devices, I’ll probably break a hip fleeing from them in my garden and be eaten alive!

Image from cicadainvasion.com||andersondesigngroup

 “WAR OF THE AL-CICADA INVASION” RADIO SHOW

By E.L. “Orson Wells” Tomczyk

I know now that I should have anticipated their arrival—should have felt them watching me beneath the ground—waiting, growing, and listening for the call from their leaders to break through the surface of the Earth and terrorize my very existence.   They had been here before in 1987 on a mating mission, but I lived near the ocean then where their kind cannot survive.  But I swear they swore to return—swore to attack me where I lived in the future.  What had I done to them to warrant such hatred, such scorn, such vitriol?

I know now that I was being watched by the aliens for my atrocities against the insect, reptile, and fish world.  In my naiveté, I foolishly thought that my experience with being able to squish a bug every now and then in my own home with a fly-swatter, or mutilate a snake here and there in my garden to keep from being bitten, or dispense with a half-dozen gold-fish in my aquarium because they were getting on my fucking nerves, made me an expert when it came to thwarting the invasion of a massive alien attack.  Hadn’t I helped kill a water moccasin underneath an azalea bush with my bare hands and whacked a coiled 5-ft black rat snake into oblivion, armed only with a fly-swatter and a yardstick?  Hadn’t I flushed Pokey and Ramona down the toilet when I could no longer stand being the only caretaker of the goddamn family fish tank that WW and the kids swore they’d be responsible for but quickly abandoned after two weeks?  Could I be blamed by the Universe for having told a little white lie to the children that Ramona had begged to be set free to return to her peeps down under the sea while we sang “born free” as the swirl took her down, down, down into that great waterway via the sewers, praying that Jesus would give her safe travels?  Would any adult, having walked in my shoes, really judge me when subsequently the last living goldfish (Pokey) in our algae covered aquarium that everyone refused to clean, “ran away” to be with Ramona in her love-sea nest beneath the toilet seat?   Apparently, the Universe could forgive me, but “billions of black, shrimp-size bugs with transparent wings and red beady eyes” could not.  They saw what I did, they knew where I lived, and they swore I would pay.

Cicada Brood X|Image by maryland.sierraclub.org

That night in May of 2004 was like any spring night when the cold-hearted beasts began to emerge.  My hibiscuses were flourishing, my petunias were springing, and my roses were impeccable.  We had had some warning about the subsequent invasion, but like all pre-war attacks, my area treated it like it would be a game and no big deal.  After all, we were the humans—they were simply insects.  How hard would it be to keep them under control?  And then they began to emerge in the night.  Thousands upon thousands of them came up through my lawn, poking their heads up from the soil in the dead of night, crawling up everything that was vertical until they reached the tops of the tallest object in their path (bar-b-que grills, walls, decks, and trees).  Here’s what I have discovered about nature:  5 bugs are a nuisance, thousands of bugs is a horror story!

This is a swarm of locusts, not cicadas, but it best illustrates what the cicadas looked like on the trees surrounding my house|Image from dailymail.co.uk

Oh God, the horror!  They crawled to the top of the highest trees, singing their love song in one accord as they searched for a mate before their cycle of death within the 24 hour period.  As they flew from tree top to tree top, they blocked out the sun, and as they screamed their high-pitched love song, no conversation could be heard for miles around.  I hid in my house as much as I could, using an umbrella and hats with veils when I needed to venture out to water the garden or run an errand.  Many times they flew right at me and when I swatted them with my umbrella their high-pitched screams were otherworldly.   My method of getting to and from the car when I went to work was to run like hell and zig and zag in the hopes that I would make them dizzy, only to be driving down the highway after getting gas one day, hearing the “ZZZZZZ” buzz of their wings and having two of them (one perched on my left ear and one zip-lining down my bangs) crawl toward my left eye and smile in unison.  As my car ran off the road toward the ditch, all three of us let out bloodcurdling screams as I shouted “Jesus, take the wheel” six years before that title ever entered Carrie Underwood’s brain.  What kind of arch nemesis was this?  What purpose on Earth could God have created them for?  Where could I run and hide from this insanity?

And then something bizarre began to happen:  the alien dudes sang, the females responded by twitching their wings, the male and female cicadas did the “wild thing,” and then the dudes keeled over and died, falling by the thousands out of the sky.  While the putrid rotting flesh of the male cicadas piled up in heaps on the ground, females laid 600 eggs or so per invader into the slit branches of our best trees leaving behind scores of dead
limbs while the females soon followed their lovers to their graves.   I am told that 6 weeks later the “nymphs”
crawled down the trees and into the ground to feast on tree roots until 2021 when Brood X will take their revenge on other unsuspecting humans.  It scares me to think of them underground as I garden, waiting, growing, and planning their invasion.

Cicadas mating|image from mycologista.blogspot.com

One morning we woke up and there was silence.  As my neighbors and I wandered outside in sheer wonderment and began to shovel up mountains of rotting cicada carcasses, in between holding our noses and vomiting, we told tall tales of the invaders that were both uproarious and horrifying.  When we regaled each other about our cicada invasion survival, we were neither black nor white, Indian or Arab, gay nor straight, female nor male.  We were simply the survivors of the “war of the worlds” between the Cicadas and our neighborhood, and we helped each other clean up the mess.

Primed and ready to go||image from cicadamania.com

I am discovering that there is a hell of a lot of things coming down the pike that we know nothing about that the “cicada invasion” is a euphemism for, and we will only be able to get through the mayhem if we hang tough together.

We are currently being attacked by what I’ve dubbed the “Brood Y-Insanity/Chick-fil-A” invasion.  Guess what?  I am a “born-again Christian,” and I don’t agree with Mr. Cathy’s viewpoint on gay marriage, BUT he has right to say what he wants to say and spend his money how he wants to spend it.  I have a right not to patronize Mr. Cathy’s restaurant along with others who think his ideology is not biblical or even human.  However, IMHO the mayors of San Francisco, Boston, and Chicago ought to be ashamed and held accountable.  They were grandstanding—it cost them nothing to showboat their support of gay marriage while whipping up an invasion of protest against the Chick-fil-A restaurants.  They cannot keep out a legitimate business from their boundaries—period!  It’s unconstitutional.  The self-serving Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum were also showboating with their rallying call for the Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.  They knew exactly the message of hate they were whipping up with a portion of self-righteous, Christian-fascists within the Church (not everybody who calls themselves Christian fit this description so don’t harass me, a Christian, with your hate mail) who could so easily delude themselves into thinking they were protecting God’s honor while gorging themselves on chicken.   (I agree with the columnist who wondered how many of them donated their chicken sandwiches to the starving people in their cities—I’m just askin’?).  Other bloggers have said and I concur, Christians who participated in this chicken appreciation day will someday come to regret this empty gesture much as many have come to regret their intransient stance during the civil rights movement (God, I can only hope and pray).

And to my Gay and Lesbian sisters and brothers, you did not help your cause by falling into the stereotypes that the Christian-fascists have painted of you with the chicken kiss-in.   Huckabee and Santorum baited you and you bit, dog-gone-it.  And no, this is not the same as when my peeps and I couldn’t eat at the Woolworths counter in the 60s (we couldn’t eat anywhere), or drink from water fountains, or swim in pools, or live in decent neighborhoods, or go to the same schools where whites existed.  The day Chick-fil-A stops you and yours from working or eating in their restaurants, I’ll be the first to pick up a protest sign on your behalf.

Gabby Douglas|Image from rollingout.com

And speaking of my peeps, I’ve got a bone to pick with some of them about the “Brood Z-Nappy Hair Invasion” that has descended upon Gabby Douglas from SOME of the short-sighted, vain brothers and sisters from the black community.  (My white sisters and brothers, you might want to skip to the cartoon below because this has nothing to do with you—you’re totally innocent—and what I have to say is not going to be pretty.) 

Okay, my Peeps :  WHAT THE FUCK!  WHAT THE FUCK!!   Sixteen-year-old Gabby Douglas, with a smile that could light up the darkest room, is one of only a handful of African-Americans who has ever been able to compete in the Olympic Games, and she is the first African-American woman to take “all around gold” for her individual title.  AND she is a superb representative of her country as well as our race.  She will grace the covers of Time, Sports Illustrated, and multiple branding deals making millions of dollars—more than your sorry-ass couch-potatoes could ever dream of in ten lifetimes.  But after accomplishing something none of her critics could ever do, the focal point on social media and comments to stories about her brilliance is criticism about her “nappy hair” (TRANSLATION FOR MY WHITE READERS WHO DIDN’T OBEY ME AND ARE READING ALONG:  hair around the edges of the scalp resorting back to its African roots of really tight curls due to the copious sweat from extreme heat and exertion [rent Chris Rock’s “Good Hair” for more details].)

Oh God . . . oh my God:  Martin, Malcolm, and Medgar are rolling over in their graves!  All those who posted this crap online—shame on your own nappy-headed ignorant minds!

****

Here’s the deal America:  “United we stand, divided we fall.”  Gay marriage, chicken sandwiches, a misguided old man, Christians, Muslims, Atheists, Republicans or Democrats, nappy heads or not—these are not the issues that will destroy us—being unable to love our neighbor or to focus on the majors rather than the minors are the things that will eventually tank our country from within.  When our love for each other truly grows cold—like the man who shot his neighbor in the face the other day out of spite and was surprised when he got arrested but immediately declared his hatefulness to the police, “What’s the deal; I only shot a Ni@@er?”—we, as Americans, are sitting ducks for an “alcicada” soul invasion in the making.  Peace!

Nick Anderson|image from Houston Chronicle

“The moment we break faith with one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.”—James Baldwin

 “We have learned to fly the air like birds and swim the sea like fish, but we have not learned the simple art of living together as brothers.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

***

Thanks to www.nationalgeographicnews.com (“Cicada Invasion Begins: Eastern U.S. Beset by Bugs”)  for their wonderful education on cicadea or cicadias.  All definitive quotes about this amazing creature are to be attributed to them.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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