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Tag Archives: Masks

DELTA DEATHS: BLAME IT ON THE ANTI-VAXXERS

Cartoon used by permission: 250639_1290_RGB.jpg Four Horsemen by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT

NEWS HEADLINES IN AMERICA JULY 30, 2021

The Delta Whiplash is Here—The Atlantic

CDC warns that delta variant is as contagious as chickenpox and may make people sicker than original Covid—CNBC

Broadway Audiences Will Need Proof of Vaccination and Masks—NYTimes

‘What’s Covid?’ Why People at America’s Hardest-Partying Lake Are Not About to Get Vaccinated—Politico

They Spurned the Vaccine. Now They Want You to Know They Regret It—The NYTimes

How Trump’s ‘World of Bullshit’ Unleashed Today’s Delta Surge—Daily Beast

Cartoon used by permission: 253854 Two Americas by David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star, Tucson, AZ

On July 30, 2021, the above headlines announced to a divided America that we were starting to lose the war AGAIN against death and doom because a tenacious offshoot of Covid-19—the Delta variant—was reeking murderous havoc due to 100 million Americans (many of them motivated by support for Donald Trump) having ignored or thumbed their noses at the vaccines. The conversation below from Hell between Death and Satan can only be imagined.

DEATH:  Hey Dude, how’s it hangin’?

SATAN:  I just got back from roaming the Earth, seeking whom I may devour!

DEATH:  That’s very Shakespearean of you.

SATAN:  That’s very biblical of me: Father of Lies, The Great Destroyer, Beelzebub, Lucifer…

DEATH:  Whatever!  You’re such a drama queen. I got your message that you needed to see me. I sure hope this meeting is productive because I don’t have any time to waste. As the Angel of Death assigned to the Special Death Forces Unit of the USA, I have never been busier.  By the way, I could have used a head’s up before you unleased your nephew, Lieutenant Delta.

Cartoon used by permission: 253624 delta-force-go.png Delta Force Go by Pat Byrnes PoliticalCartoons com

SATAN:  Hey, I barely knew about his invasion date myself.  Been too busy trying to make room for all the incoming traffic. Besides, even I’m afraid of Delta—he’s a nasty little punk-ass SOB. I’m the Devil, and I can’t control him. But I must say, Delta’s invasion married well with the reckless, stubborn, arrogant, and stupid refusal of the Trump anti-vaxxers to get vaccinated and to wear masks.  It seems my conspiracy theories that I pushed on Facebook, Fox News and via the Republican Party really did the trick. Those I didn’t capture with self-centeredness, I captured with fear.  I especially liked the conspiracy theory that the vaccines will make you magnetic. So stupid, it’s delicious!  Don’t you just love that Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook?  The dude has no accountability to truth or humanity, which suits me just fine since that is my raison d’etre.  We have a wager down here in Hell to see who will kill the most people from Covid-19 with their wanton pushing of fake news, lies, and misinformation:  Zuckerberg or Trump.  What’s your wager, Death?

Cartoon used by permission: 253636 heard-stupidity.png Heard Stupidity by Dave Whamond Canada PoliticalCartoonscom

DEATH:  How the hell should I know?  All I know is that you’re going to get legions more now that Delta has unleashed his troops.  You should hear the anti-vaxxers’ hissy fits and screams over the CDC’s recommendation to return to masks to save them from the Delta variant.  You would think that they were being asked to pour hot boiling oil on their skin and set it afire. I have no pity for them.  More than 40% of Americans are unvaxxed, and they make up 97% of all Covid hospitalizations and 97% of my Covid death haul.  The Americans are running out of room in their hospitals.

SATAN:  Hm, call me an ol’ softie, but every once in a while, I feel a tiny pang of sorrow for those who can’t get the vaccine who get caught up in your death net—especially the children.

DEATH:  Well, I don’t.  I have no dog in this race.  I feel absolutely nothing.  Besides, I have a feeling the innocents by-pass you Pal and take the escalator to the celestial city in the sky.  Anyway, it might not be too late for the innocent and the arrogant.  Their President is stopping short of a Federal mandate that all Americans get vaccinated, and he seems to be encouraging businesses to mandate vaccines if people want to stay employed or attend events in their venues.  The anti-vaxxers are flipping out, of course—their heads are exploding.  Republicans are already lining up the lawsuits against the government and any businesses that try to “tread on their rights.”

Cartoon used by permission: 253910 anti-vax-covid-spreaders.png Anti Vax Covid Spreaders by Peter Kuper PoliticalCartoonscom

SATAN:  Pish-shah! Nobody in America can mandate vaccines.  It’s against their laws.  Americans have rights and their rights outweigh any responsibilities that they have towards anybody but themselves.  They are so goddamn selfish, which is why I adore them so much—favorite group of humans on Earth.  Besides, the demons and I were taking a coffee break yesterday, and we saw a segment on MSNBC that said 1 in 4 hospital staff workers aren’t vaccinated and don’t ever plan to be.  The lunchroom in Hell erupted in cacophonous cheers and chants: “Go Master, go Master; you did it, you did it—more inmates in Hell!” You know that when the people who swore an oath to “abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous” and to “do no harm” as healers refuse to embrace science and the truth, then the rest of the American public is so screeeeewed

Cartoon used by permission: 253687 anti-vaxx-menace.png Anti vaxx menace by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT

DEATH:  False!  Vaccine mandates in America are not entirely unprecedented.  I, too, watch MSNBC and just happened to catch the Rachel Maddow show that aired a segment on the 1901 Smallpox epidemic in Cambridge, Massachusetts that was wiping out the city.  According to the Maddow show and the New England Historical Society, by 1905, 400,000 of Cambridge’s citizens had been vaccinated, but that was not enough to get control of the deadly pox.  The Cambridge Board of Health decided they weren’t havin’ that shit, so they mandated that all their citizens be vaccinated or pay a $5 fine ($150 in today’s currency).  Well, wouldn’t you know it, but a minister (Henning Jacobson) who claimed he was hearing God, declared that he had the God-given right to govern his own body as he saw fit despite safety for the common good, and he challenged the mandate in court all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court—Jacobson v. Massachusetts.  He lost and the citizens of Cambridge were saved from my scythe.  If I remember correctly, the law says:

“There is, of course, a sphere within which the individual may assert the supremacy of his own will and rightfully dispute the authority of any human government, especially of any free government existing under a written constitution…But it is equally true that in every well-ordered society charged with the duty of conserving the safety of its members the rights of the individual in respect of his liberty may at times, under the pressure of great dangers, be subjected to such restraint, to be enforced by reasonable regulations, as the safety of the general public may demand.”

Cartoon used by permission: 253890_1290_RGB.jpg Masks Again by Kevin Siers The Charlotte Observer NC

SATAN:   Well, I’ll be damned!

DEATH:  You already are.

SATAN:  Shut up, you show-off!  In any case, I need you to buy me some time.  So many people are dying so quickly, and while I love new recruits, I need to build on a wing to prepare for them.  I’m not even half-full yet, but I would like to make sure that I don’t lose a soul because I didn’t have enough beds of hot coals ready and prepared. Just a month or so.  Can you swing it?

DEATH:   Fine.  But you owe me one.  I can’t stop the deaths, but I can try and slow them down.  I’ll run a Public Service Announcement and place the ad on Facebook, Fox News, and all the conservative websites on the Internet.  Maybe, it will set a fire under their asses (no pun intended) to hold off their Earthly exit for a while.

SATAN:  Deal!

PSA FROM DEATH

To the American Public:  My name is Death, and I belong to no political party. I neither love nor hate Trump. I have no racial, ethnic, religious, or sexual identity. I don’t care if you’re fat or skinny, short or tall.  I don’t care if you just want to “stick it to the Libs” or you’re African-American and fear the Tuskegee Experiment redux.  It makes me no never mind if you’re one-day-old or ninety-nine-years old.  I never sleep.  If it is your time to have a meet-and-greet with me due to your lack of protection against Covid-19, I’m coming for you.  You mean only one thing to me: a harvest. I have no pity for your excuses, lies, or disillusionments.  This isn’t personal; I’m just doing my job.  So, if you don’t want to see me anytime soon, or even worse, have me introduce myself to your precious children, I have the following suggestions:

GET YOUR SHOTS

WEAR YOUR MASKS

Cartoon used by permission: 253882_1290_RGB.jpg Teeing Up Covid by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on August 1, 2021 in Uncategorized

 

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ARE YOU YOUR BROTHER’S KEEPER—YOU BET YOUR SORRY ASS, YOU ARE!

Cartoon used by permission: Mask mandate by Bruce Plante, Tulsa World

My pandemic body and mind are messing with my dreams.  In most of my dreams, I’m trying to escape from a frighteningly amorphous “unidentifiable something,” but at other times I have alternate-world movie-dreams that are crystal clear in which I wish would come true (like I’m 30 years old, look like Halle Berry, have the voice of Audra McDonald, and can eat anything I want).  I think these dreams or nightmares have a lot to do with the news I’ve consumed during the day mixed with what I’ve eaten for dinner and how soon I fall asleep after said consumption.

Last night I made the most amazing Keto lasagna sans pasta with extra, extra cheese (keep in mind that I’m lactose intolerant), hot Italian sausage, eggplant slices, and the perfect marinara sauce.  It was the kind of ooey-gooey pleasure that you just know will create demons of indigestion exploding from your butt at the pitch and rhythm of Army taps while setting your esophagus on fire straight up from your tummy to your hair follicles, as visions of cheese balls dance in your head.

I went to bed much too early following my sumptuous repast, but a massive thunderstorm (keep in mind that I am deathly afraid of thunderstorms) settled over my house and rather than pace the floor in terror like a traumatized puppy, I plugged in my sound machine and my iPod featuring endless Barbra Streisand songs, and promptly fell asleep. So it was that I dreamt of a land where the MAGA Christians suddenly woke up as if from a nightmare and all simultaneously burned their red hats in massive bonfires across the land in exchange for bracelets that bore the initials WWJD: What Would Jesus Do?

Cartoon used by permission: 240874  Masks a miracle cure by Dave Whamond Canada PoliticalCartoons com

“Ooh, ooh, ooh, I know,” said one very White Evangelical Christian. “Jesus would wear a mask during these times, even as he preached, and be a leader who set an example of the right thing to do for the good of all the people. After all, it was Jesus who said: ‘The second most important command is this: Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself.’”

Another White Evangelical WWJD bracelet wearer chimed in with a Bible verse of love that she seemed to have learned long ago but had forgotten until her head was set free from the tyranny of the MAGA hat—”I am positive that Jesus would wear a mask at all times and encourage all his followers to do so because he said: ‘I can guarantee this truth: Whatever you did for one of my brothers or sisters, no matter how unimportant they seemed, you did for me.'”

“Jiminy-Crickets, why don’t we show America how it should be done?” said a White Evangelical grandma.  “Sugar, we should all wear masks to protect our fellow human beings—our neighbors—our countrymen because wasn’t it Jesus who said: ‘So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.’”

The dream was so sweet and hopeful. Just when I was feeling all kumbaya in my alternate world, a thunder clap woke me at 3:00 a.m. and slammed me back into the real world. It sounded as if the Earth split in half.  Unable to get back to my happy place dream, I got out of bed, made myself a cup of tea, and checked the news feed on my phone:

“The one area where white evangelicals fall far behind? Mask wearing. A white evangelical under the age of 35 is 13 percentage points less likely to wear a mask in public than the same age group in the general population (58.7% vs. 71.8%).”—Christianity Today.

“…in America, not wearing a mask has become a political statement — and it’s a statement increasingly being made by avowedly devout Christians.”—Anthea Butler/Think

Cartoon used by permission: 241088 Maskless Bob by Monte Wolverton Battle Ground WA

Unable to go back to sleep, I googled what MAGA folks (80% of them Evangelical Christians) were doing to save the most vulnerable among us. Maybe my dream was prophetic.  Maybe they would ignore their toddler king and do the right thing—once and for all.  But what I found of their reported actions was not WWJD but WWSD: What Would Satan Do?

“I got every fuckin’ right to not wear a mask,” said a Costco customer who was asked to leave the store for not obeying their rule of “no entry without a face mask.”

Security guard (father of eight) at a Michigan Dollar Store was killed after he asked a woman to leave the store for not wearing a mask.  She left and then returned with her husband and her son and shot him dead.

Old man in a Dollar Store rubbed his snotty nose and rheumy face on the shirt of a store employee just for spite after she asked him to put on a face mask.

The Utah County Commission postponed a meeting on masks after scores of protesters packed the room—wall to wall—without wearing masks as a massive human “FU” to the commission’s mere discussion of wearing masks to protect their neighbors (isn’t this Mormon country?).

A female clerk was punched in the face three times when she told a male customer she couldn’t sell him cigarettes unless he put on a mask.

Georgia governor (anti-mask Trump sycophant) started a mask war against Atlanta’s mayor (pro-mask wearing Covid-19 survivor) by suing the mayor and the city council when the mayor requested all citizens of Atlanta wear masks to protect their family, friends, and neighbors.

Cartoon used by permission: 239371 Face Masks by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT

“What a world!  What a world! What a world!” I groaned.  Before I knew it, the sun had risen and my husband strolled into the kitchen for breakfast.  After kissing me good morning, he asked, “So how’s your ass?”

“What? How’s my ass? That’s a weird question,” I replied. 

“No, it isn’t.  I’ve been awake since 3:00 a.m. because you let off the loudest fart I’ve ever heard.  Not only was it loud but it seemed endless. (Don’t even get me started on the smell.)  In fact, I didn’t know that such a powerful sound could come out of a human being’s butt. Isn’t your a-hole in excruciating pain? I am amazed you’re able to sit on your bottom.”

“That was not a fart at 3:00 a.m., that was a massive thunder clap from the heavens,” I said.

“It was a massive thunder clap all right—straight out of your ass. It woke me up.  I half expected to look up and see you floating at the top of the bedroom ceiling.  If that had been the case, I have no idea how I would have gotten you down.  You know it was that double-cheese, veggie Keto lasagna, in case anyone is in doubt, Ms. Lactose-intolerant Lady.  So for the sake of your ass and your fellow-man (a.k.a. your husband), you might want to put that recipe on the trash heap marked: ‘The end of ET’s love affair with cheese.’  After all, what did Jesus say: ‘So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them…’  Time to give up the cheese, Babe!”

Cartoon used by permission: 240662 The End Is Near by Rick McKee CagleCartoons com

“At long last, we have made a truly game-changing scientific breakthrough in preventing the spread of COVID-19.  We have found a disease-control tool that, when used properly, can reduce transmission by somewhere between 50% and 85%.  The tool is cheap and remarkably low-tech.  You can even make one at home.” —The Power of Masks by Gavin Yamey/Time magazine

Cartoon used by permission: 239295 Mask Hamlet by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune MN

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on July 25, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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