Do you know what I’ve discovered as a Dalai Mama who has seen just about everything in life and few things in this world have the ability to leave me speechless? There is such a thing in our entertainment bandwidth called “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo,” and it damn sure has left me speechless! Apparently, everybody knew about this show except me, which I found quite by accident when the downstairs TV broke last week during a thunderstorm when my husband was out of town, and I needed something to calm my nerves. Oh God—MY EYES/MY EARS—I may never be the same again and my nerves are truly shot!
Honey Boo-Boo Child (Alana Thompson) and Momma (June)|Image from knowyourmeme.com
The star, Honey Boo Boo (Alana Thompson), is an extremely precocious six-year-old who talks like a sassy black drag queen (THINK: pint-sized RuPaul) and is part of a redneck reality show along with her family (mother June, dad Sugar Bear, sisters Pumpkin , Chubbs , and Chickadee ) on TLC that is a spin-off from Toddlers and Tiaras (a truly gross nightmare that I can’t bear to watch no matter how desperate I am for entertainment). Honey Boo-Boo’s family is a train wreck from country Hell, and they punctuate their family comedy with unintelligible sentences laced with a chorus of farts, belches, and Honey Boo Boo aphorisms (“When my belly hurts, it’s usually gas, or too many chicken nuggets.”) as the rest of us look on with a mixture of horror and fascination as if viewing a multi-car train collision. No matter how hard you try, you can’t tear yourself away from staring at the carnage that is washed down with a chaser of Honey Boo Boo’s “go-go juice” (a mixture of Mountain Dew and Red Bull). In fact, I watched so many episodes of the Honey Boo-Boo marathon that night that I came away with something of a dazed affection for Honey Boo Boo (I found her to be genuinely funny, guileless, and kind of adorable), but, then again, I might have Stockholm Syndrome. Although I liked the Boo-Boo Child, I had judgmental feelings of snarky disdain for her mother who has had four children by four different men (she never married them) and suffered palatable horror that a mother would expose her children to international ridicule (reporters from as far as the UK have been seen snooping around and snapping pictures of the family when they were unaware).
Honey Boo Boo’s Mom (June Shannon)|image from thefw.com
I couldn’t get the Honey Boo Boo voices out of my head, so I became addicted—looking for my fix of Honey Boo-Boo episodes to satiate my mocking appetite as I kept trying to remind myself that “God doesn’t like ugly (meaning me!).” As I feverishly hunted for more and more Honey Boo-Boo shows, the family’s barely intelligible quotes kept seducing me as I tried to ignore the Honey Boo Boo family voices assailing my mind like flies attacking fresh roadkill:
“Sugar Bear is my baby’s daddy. That’s Alana’s dad. And we’ve been shack ‘em up mates for like, eight years now (Mama June).”
“Please, women of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All the vajingle jangle (vagina?) is not beautimous. As you can tell, I got some of my vajingle jangle cleaned up . . . I don’t straddle things very well (straddling her husband, Sugar Bear?).”
“My mother had told me in the past that if you fart 12-15 times a day, you can lose a little weight, so I think I’ll lose a lot of weight because I’m going to fart a lot (older child starting a diet—Chubbs).”
“My gay uncle is poodle. That’s why we call him a poodle because he has a little fruit in his tank. He’s got grapes in his tank (Honey Boo Boo talking about her father’s brother and her pageant coach).”
“A dolla make me holla, honey boo boo child (Honey Boo Boo upon winning toddler pageant money)!”
And then in the middle of the night, I knew what it was that the Dalai Mama had to say about all this reality show craziness, but it needed to be said to all of the shows whose parents had pimped their children out to be gawked at by the masses (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, the “ever-so-pious” [barf] Duggars and their 19 [20?] kids, the Kate Plus Eight gang, the Octomom clan, and Dance Moms, to name a few): “Your kids are going to open up a can of whup-ass when they are around 16 or so (propably sooner for Honey Boo Boo) and cause a world of hurt on your misguided behinds, because there will be no place to run and nowhere to hide from the overexposure and mocking ridicule you have subjected them to.”
Since every kid in every region, in every land, and every race hits an age where they think their parents are the stupidest creatures on Earth, reality show parents are really going to be in for a rude awakening when the kids end up hating them for putting their shit all out in the street. Honey Boo Boo may be precocious and having a good time now, but wait until she figures out a few things in life and then hates Mama June and Sugar Bear for ever allowing her to be born.
EVIDENCE THAT A WHUP-ASS CAN OF TEENAGE SCORN IS COMING DOWN THE PIKE LIKE A TORNADO TOWARD REALITY PARENTS:
1. When your kid decides you are the stupidest person on the face of the Earth and everything you did pertaining to raising them was butt-shit crazy even though it seemed like a good idea at the time given the circumstances!
2. As Alan Bennett says, “Children always assume the sexual lives of their parents come to a grinding halt at their conception.” So Mama June, you not being able to “straddle Sugar Bear” because you’re too fat is filed in Honey Boo-Boo’s future teenage disdainful brain in the folder “TMI, TMI, EEUUEW!” And you Mr. and Mrs. Duggar from “Meet The Duggars”: The fact that you have 19 kids and counting is not God’s will, it’s a freak show because you must be the horniest man on the face of the Earth, Mr. Duggar; and Mrs. Duggar, you haven’t figured out that your muffin (or “moonpie” as Mama June calls it) is a VAGINA, not a clown car!
image from sexuality4theageless.wordpress.com
3. Mama June, the kids stop appreciating your fart jokes around about the time you can no longer control the frequency of your farts or the noxious smell of them, so the fact that your show’s entry song is punctuated with a fart sound tract will come back to bite you in the butt (pun intended) sooner than later.
Image from joanhascheezeburger.com
4. At some point, Mama June, just stop breathing because your very voice will begin to grate on Honey Boo Boo’s nerves. I promise that it will get better when she is in her late 20’s/early 30’s. Once she finds out how hard life truly is, you’ll rise like Phoenix up from the ashes (uh, maybe not if you keep farting on camera and trying to hog Honey Boo Boo’s spotlight), but until then try not to lose your mind and keep your redneck opinions on the down-low.
Stewie’s T-Shirt (“Family Guy”)|Image from merchandisingplaza.us
As the Dalai Mama (a mother who has seen it all and been through it all), I am discovering that no parent has it all together and since I know that parenting is one of the hardest things a human can ever attempt, I am also cognizant of the fact that I can’t really judge any parent for very long because but by the grace of God go I. (Even if you think you did a bang-up job, you really won’t know the verdict until your children go the distance in their lives and reach the end without turning into your worst nightmare.) Because of this reality, I have a few issues with God which I plan to have a little chat with him about as soon as I see him face-to-face. Why is it that any ol’ person is allowed to have kids at any ol’ time just because they got horny on any ol’ given day? Why don’t their twigs and berries and their “vajingle jangles” just “dry up” and “snap shut when they are unsuitable to be parents?” And why, when these “reality” parents end up on TV, why aren’t they more like Claire and Cliff Huxtable—the perfect “unreality” TV parents (educated, rich, well-behaved, and immensely talented)? A little unreality God, is that too much to ask in this life?
The Huxtables—America’s Favorite TV Family|image from myfellowamerican.tv
“To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.”—Dave Barry
“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.”
“Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.”—Oscar Wilde
“God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. And so, they moved to the east of Eden, which was still the good part of town, and they had your typical suburban family: a couple of dim-witted boys.”—Bill Cosby
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.