IN GOD WE TRUST

Do you know what I discovered this morning?  It’s been three days since the election, and I woke up in my bed (very hung over), looked out the window, and discovered I had not moved to Canada as I swore I would if Donald Trump got elected. I thought about it—I really did.  My realtor even offered me a third more than what we had paid for our new retirement home last year, but . . .

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

After seeing the light of day, I thought, “I can’t move to Canada—I hate snow, hockey, and bears!  Besides, this is my home—this is my country too, goddamnit!”   The United States of America is where my family has lived since one half of my ancestors were owned by the Wimbish slaveholders in Hayfield, Virginia (the slave owner’s house is still there and intact), and the other half of my ancestors were forced to march as Cherokee Indians on the “Trail of Tears” from their homes in Georgia to reservations in Oklahoma killing one out of every four of them.  “IT IS TIME TO PUT ON YOUR BIG BOY PANTS AND KICK SOME ASS,” I said to myself.  “Why should I move because half of my country pulled a fast one on me?  Oh hell to the no!  I ain’t ‘fraid of no Trump.  I’ve survived poverty, rape, mayhem, injustice, attempted murder, and mental illness.  I will definitely survive President-Elect Trump!”  (Although, I have to admit, I’m not as young as I used to be, and I had planned on playing Mahjong and sipping wine coolers all the rest of my days, but it looks as if God has other plans.)

Cartoon used by permission: Osmani Simanca,  A Tarde, Brazil

WTF, I never thought it would be easier to elect a Black man to be President than it would be to elect an over-qualified White woman vs. an incompetent, self-proclaimed pussy grabber in our country.  I thought we were far enough into the grownup spectrum, that despite her obvious flaws, we were mature enough not to make false equivalencies (Although, here’s a tip Hillary:  Always humbly tell on yourself first before others steal your narrative and put their own shitty spin on it).   But I think I’m beginning to see that misogyny trumps racism, and we’re not as sophisticated and modern as we think we are.

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

But the dude won fair and square, along with a little help from Putin, WikiLeaks, the KKK, and some dicks (Weiner’s dick pics, Bill Clinton’s reoccurring dick stories, and a dick of an FBI Director).  Donald Trump is now my president, and I will heed the example of the classy, magnanimous, high road of President Obama to “do everything we can to help you succeed because if you succeed, then the country succeeds.” As part of my plan to help President-Elect Trump to succeed, I have written an open letter to him and some of the peeps who put him into office on behalf of the innocents who will be most affected by Trumps presidency if it goes off the rails.

OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP

Dear President-Elect Trump:

Congratulations on your historical win of the White House.  As much as you fought long and hard against Hillary, I fought long and hard against you.  But I’m writing to let you know that now that you’ve grabbed hold of the pussy, I mean the brass ring (sorry, old habit), I am here to do for you what I did for President Obama.  I am a prayer warrior.  I believe in the power of prayer (don’t let my language fool you, Baby, God hears my prayers—oh yes, he does!).  I, along with thousands of others, prayed morning, noon, and night for the success of our current President in spite of all his haters.  I daily prayed for grace, wisdom, courage, humility, perspective, and the ability to dodge the assassin’s bullet.  You notice he’s still alive in spite of an unprecedented 30 death threats a day, and I saw on your face a momentary look of unabashed humility and wonderment when you were confronted with Barack Hussein Obama’s humility, grace, and magnanimity in your meeting with him in the Oval Office.  (Could you, Mr. President-Elect, have done what Obama did for you if you were handing over the keys to the kingdom to a man who viscerally hated you and had tried to delegitimize your presidency by being the face of the Birther Movement?  That, Sir, is the power of prayer.)

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

I suspect you thought you’d be back on one of your golf courses at this point and getting ready to start a TV news channel—richer than ever.  I don’t think you ever thought you’d end up in the White House.  You couldn’t have or you wouldn’t have done what you did:  awakened the dark side of our country’s nature (the sewer rats of racism, misogyny, xenophobia)—resurrecting racial politics we once thought were dead.  But you have a chance to rise above your carnival barker antics of the campaign trail and do the right thing for all of the people groups in our nation whose lives you have so negatively affected by your rhetoric.  I’m going to pray that you will keep your promise to be the “president to all Americans,” and that you start by speaking to the fears of Muslim-Americans, women, African-Americans, Latinos, and the LGBT community who have been randomly and outrageously attacked in your name since the election.  You can start by shunning the KKK who will be holding a rally in your honor because, as the White nationalist former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke tweeted on the night of your election: “One of the most exciting nights of my life.  Make no mistake about it, our people have played a HUGE role in electing Trump.”  (You see why one half of the nation is peeing their pants and calling the suicide hotlines?)  I am going to pray that you shock the hell out of all the nefarious people you’ve surrounded yourself with who are betting you won’t have the attention span to run our country properly so that they will be able to ram through their agendas which will push our nation backwards by a hundred years.   I am hoping you will do a little Apprentice, “You’re Fired!” on a couple of their hateful asses once you truly realize what’s going down.

Finally, I am going to pray that you sprain your Twitter fingers, and that they stay sprained until the end of your reign.  But most of all, I am going to pray that God will give you a heart of love for ALL of the people in our great nation, and that God’s will be done while you are President.  God bless you Mr. President-Elect, and may God bless these United States of America.

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

***

OPEN LETTER TO THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T VOTE, ANGRY WHITE MEN, CHRISTIANS FOR TRUMP

Dear 47.9% Americans Who Didn’t Vote: 

You are dead to me!  And I better not hear you complain or protest about one goddamn thing that you don’t like coming out of Trump’s presidency.  (I’m talking to you NFL “star” Colin Kaepernick!)  I read today that you just announced that you didn’t vote.  Fuck me!  So you think you’re all that and a bag of chips because you’re making a statement that “Black Lives Matter” by sitting out our National Anthem, but then our lives don’t matter enough for you to get off of your bougie ass to vote?  Oh, hell to the no!  I leave you and all the rest of your 47.9% lowlifes with a Martin Luther King quote that will remind you of the blood that was spilled to give African-Americans the right to vote, along with every other disenfranchised group in America, and I hope it breaks your heart (oh, and get off your bended knee, child, because your goddamn protest doesn’t mean shit):

“So long as I do not firmly and irrevocably possess the right to vote I do not possess myself.  I cannot make up my mind — it is made up for me. I cannot live as a democratic citizen, observing the laws I have helped to enact — I can only submit to the edict of others.”

Dear Angry White Men:

I am angry too!  I am angry that you think you’ve found a savior who will give you back everything you’ve lost, think you deserve, and wish you had, even though he seems to have no moral center.  I don’t want your lives to be decimated any more than I want the lives of nonwhites to be destroyed, and I am pissed that the Democrats (and Hillary) ignored your legitimate pain.  I understand that Trump spoke to your pain.  I know you voted for Trump because he told you he’d shake things up in Washington and that he’d make your lives great again.  But I can’t imagine the anger you’re going to feel when you discover that the messiah you elected doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the working man or your joblessness, your shuttered towns, or the heroin epidemic that is consuming your children (he goes to work in a helicopter or a limo, his kids all went and go to private schools, and he upgrades the model of his wives when their tits droop).   Here’s the thing:  Mexicans didn’t steal your jobs—corporate greed and technology stole your jobs.  Turn your anger on the candidate you just elected—not on people who don’t look like you.  Trump promised to bring jobs back to your towns again, therefore, it is your responsibility to hold him to it.   Tell him that he can start by bringing the factories for his businesses back from China, Bangladesh, Honduras and Vietnam, India, South Korea, Mexico, and Slovenia* and put them into your towns and areas that lost factories.  Then I would join hands with all the other people (regardless of their race, creed, or color) who are suffering as you are to hold President Trump’s feet to the fire by forcing him to make other companies bring a percentage of their manufacturing jobs back to America.

Finally, put down the guns—this is not the 1800s.  What if all the nonwhites in America took up arms in response to the fear you generate with your guns?  If we marry our anger with our lust for power and control to the bridegroom of guns, every day will be a shoot-out at the O.K. Coral, and we’re all going to destroy each other.

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Dear Right-Wing Christians and The World that is watching you:

Oy! Oy! Oy!  What have you wrought, my brothers and sisters in Christ?  I hear you crowing in ecstasy on social media at the win of Trump as if Jesus, Himself, had returned (“Take that, you liberal jerks—Trump is anointed by God, and he will save Christianity from you Babylonian whores!”).  And I know you don’t and won’t hear the warnings I’m sending you in this note.  But Christians for Trump, you just screwed the pooch!  You are not only on the wrong side of history, but you are on the wrong side of God’s love.  And you know what?  I think that this is not the victory you think it is—this is a test as it has been on so many other historical occasions when Christians were supposed to rise up to meet the challenge of love, respect, and grace but sank into the gutter by prostituting themselves to power and greed.  Well, I’m praying for the Christian church like crazy, because when you realize what you have unleashed upon the world, and that you’ve been played “in the name of Jesus,” the cost to your souls will be incalculable.  Have you heard about the 200+ hate crimes that have happened across the nation since the election of Trump?  Are you hearing the cries of the Muslim, Latino, LGBT, and African-American children who are afraid to go to school because they are being tormented because their tormentors feel they have a champion in the White House for their bigotry?  I’m praying that these stories break your heart, and if you’re really pro-life—if you really love Jesus—you’ll mobilize with the rest of us to protect the lives of all those peeps whom Jesus loves, and you will confront your man in the White House to use his power to protect their lives and wellbeing.

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

***

I am discovering that this is the scariest place America has been in since the 60s.  I thought we were so much better than this.  I believed we were exceptional because of our diversity and our ability to be united.  I am demoralized by what I’ve seen come out of the election of Trump, and the only thing that helps me face this new, dark era is my trust in God.   I meant what I wrote to President-Elect Trump:  I will be praying for him like crazy that he will do the right thing.  But I will also figure out how I can use my sphere of influence, my finances, and my time to mobilize others to push back the darkness the Trump campaign and election have unleashed.  I hope all those who have a heart will do the same.

May God have mercy on these United States of America.

Cartoon used by permission: Bill Day Cagle Cartoons

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               VISIONARY QUOTES ABOUT THE “COMMON GOOD” FOR THE TOUGH ROAD AHEAD

(COMMON GOOD:  Actions taken within a family, a group, a society, or a country for the benefit of all its inhabitants.)

“Patriotism is love of country. But you can’t love your country without loving your countrymen and countrywomen. We don’t always have to agree, but we must empower each other, we must find the common ground, we must build bridges across our differences to pursue the common good.”—Cory Booker

“I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans [emphasis=blogger], and this is so important to me. For those who have chosen not to support me in the past, of which there were a few people, I’m reaching out to you for your guidance and your help so that we can work together and unify our great country.”—President-Elect, Donald Trump Victory Speech

“Here’s some guidance right off the bat, Mr. President-elect: Those sentiments will have more force if you immediately and unequivocally repudiate the outpouring of racist, sexist, xenophobic, anti-Semitic and homophobic insults, threats and attacks being associated with your name. Do this in a personal plea to people who supported your candidacy [emphasis=blogger]. Tell them this is not what you stand for, nor is it what your new administration will tolerate.”—NYTimes Editorial/”Denounce the Hate, Mr. Trump

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/08/26/how-many-trump-products-were-made-overseas-heres-the-complete-list/ [*]

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2016/11/10/franklin-graham-the-media-didnt-understand-the-god-factor/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/american-minorities-donald-trump_us_582344d6e4b0e80b02ce3f57

http://www.salon.com/2016/11/11/this-cant-become-our-new-normal-hate-acts-reported-across-the-country-in-wake-of-trumps-victory/

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/11/11/colin-kaepernick-didn-t-vote-don-t-complain.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

I’M A #NASTYWOMAN

Do you know what I discovered watching the debate last night?  I am part of a new club:  The Nasty Women’s Club!  Just call me “Nasty”—Ms. Eleanor “if you’re nasty,” as I channel my inner Janet Jackson.

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com

I was dreading the third debate, but by the end of it, I was popping the champagne cork.  There were at least four statements The Donald made that pretty much let me know that he was going to be toast regarding winning the presidency:

“What I am saying is that I will tell you at the time.  I will keep you in suspense” (When asked by the moderator of 3rd debate if Trump would honor election results if he didn’t win—this is not how we do it in America, maybe in Russia, but not in America).

“Should have gotten it” (Trump’s petulant response to Hillary Clinton’s well-crafted trap that The Donald thinks everything is rigged when he loses, including the Emmys—“The Apprentice” lost out to “The Amazing Race” that year).

“Such a nasty woman” (Trump’s euphemism for ‘bitch’).

“Nobody has more respect for women than me” (as 10th woman accuser comes out against Trump and the debate audience bursts into laughter).

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times Tribune

For those of my readers who have followed me for a long time, you know that I have been near suicidal that many Evangelical Christians (of which I am one) have thrown their political weight behind Donald Trump, regardless of what he stands for and what he believes.  And here’s the deal:  Trump can’t win with just the percentage of angry White men who support him, but he could win if all of the conservative Evangelical Christians vote for him.  This has kept me awake at night and caused me great weeping and gnashing of teeth at how people who should know better are not doing what Jesus would do but are selling their souls to the Devil faster than you can say, “Such a nasty woman.”

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis, Star Tribune

But something has begun to happen.  My prayers are being heard (thank you, Sweet Jesus).  A group of Liberty University students (one of the strictest Christian Universities in America where the Chancellor is one of Trump’s strongest and earliest supporters) have collected 2,500 signatures against Trump:  “Liberty United against Trump.” But what’s even more exhilarating is that over 700 Evangelical Christian women leaders have come out against Trump and the Christian men who support him.  They signed a letter organized by Faith in Public Life.  They’ve joined the “Nasty Woman” club (any woman who calls out a man for his lies or egregious behavior is often labeled “nasty” [a.k.a. “bitch”] by men who can’t control them—especially if they do so without apology—therefore I dub these courageous woman part of the Nasty Women Club).

“As a Christian:  Over and over and over again, I have witnessed a cycle of male leaders being easily forgiven for sexual indiscretion, misconduct, and assault, and I have had enough. Men are caught, men say they apologize, and then other Christian leaders exhort the rest of us, especially women, to forgive and continue to trust the man in power because he apologized. I’m done with this message. The Christian message of forgiveness should no longer be co-opted to maintain men in places of power, especially not the office of the President of the United States. It is time that Christians begin speaking about the humanity and dignity of women, and of everyone. Christians are not here to teach the violated to forgive; we are here to stand with the downtrodden. That is what Jesus did.”

– Dr. Laura Levens, Assistant Professor of Christian Mission, Baptist Seminary of Kentucky [1]

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times Tribune

***

“We cannot stand by and allow the Jerry Falwells and James Dobsons of the world claim to speak for God regarding Trump and sexism … When this election is over — and Hillary Clinton is the nation’s first female president, I hope that we will finally get beyond the idea of ‘Christian women leaders’ being some special subset of Christian community.  Women are the majority of Christians around the world — we are the heartbeat of living faith.  The media spends too much time covering male leaders — and then a small subset of authoritarian conservative men — as if they are the voice of the church.  They are not.  Women are.  All the women. . .”

Diana Butler Bass, Author and Historian

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

***

“I am an African American, a Christian woman, a clergy person, I have a passionate vision for a world free of bias, discrimination, and hatred. I sign my name in honor of the God who called me into ministry, and in honor of my mentor, a Palestinian Jewish Rabbi we have come to call Jesus. I sign my name because men AND women are created in God’s image, and all human beings are fearfully and wonderfully made. I sign my name to insist on just treatment for every person. My faith demands it. And our nation requires it.”

– The Rev. Jacqueline J. Lewis, Ph.D., Senior Minister, Middle Collegiate Church

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis, Star Tribune

***

“It seems that in this election we are forced to say what should be obvious: Jesus would never be on the side of the sexual predator. Many of us feel betrayed by the Christian leaders who continue to endorse this candidate, realizing that for those prominent Christian men, women are less important than partisan politics, and the assault of women by powerful, predatory men is worth little more than a shrug.  This Christian pastor will stand for the dignity, respect, and equality of women – because it’s the right thing to do, and because it is exactly what Jesus did.”

– Rev. Karlene Clark, Wesley United Methodist Church

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering that if you want hope regarding this election you just need to read the link listed with a [1] in the references below from the Huffington Post.  These Evangelical woman are awesome and they, along with all the other groups Trump has insulted in America, will be cheering our first female president on November 9^th.  And the election will not have been rigged—an asshole will have been rejected and kicked to the curb by a whole lot of “nasty women” who decided they just couldn’t take it anymore.

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

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QUOTES REGARDING THE WEIGHTINESS OF WORDS

“(Pat) Robertson (Christian Grand Poohbah) has emerged as one of Trump’s most stalwart defenders on the Religious Right, claiming that the business mogul is facing satanic attacks and dismissing the tape of Trump bragging about sexually assaulting women as simply “macho” talk.”—Brian Tashman/Right Wing Watch

“I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it, you can do anything … grab them by the pussy” (speaking of his perks as a celebrity).—Donald Trump to Billy Bush/Access Hollywood

“Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”—Luke 6:45/Holy Bible

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons,com

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

All designs created and owned by Fishbiscuit Designs, Inc. © $19.95 on Etsy

REFERENCES

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/christian-women-donald-trump_us_580123d6e4b0162c043bdd7d  [1]

http://www.redstate.com/sweetie15/2016/10/19/falwell-jr.-instituted-censorship-liberty-u.-students-critical-trump/

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/10/16/falwell-jr-deepens-rift-with-anti-trump-liberty-u-students.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2016/10/19/trumpism-must-be-crushed-here-is-one-way-to-do-it/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-f%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.86c13e7c9279

http://www.salon.com/2016/10/19/will-millions-of-missing-voters-propel-donald-trump-to-victory-probably-not/

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/10/donald-trump-obsessed-with-revenge

http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/10/roger-ailes-donald-trump-no-longer-speak?mbid=social_twitter

http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/20/opinions/democracy-clinton-trump-debate-joseph-opinion/index.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

IT’S TIME TO GROW A PAIR!

Do you know what I discovered last night following the second debate?  I can’t stop vomiting, and I am at a loss for words. The “hate theater,” a term coined by Margaret Sullivan for the parade of women from Bill Clinton’s past whom Donald Trump sprang on the Presidential debate, made me sick to my stomach.  (Apparently, Trump and team had planned to put the women in the VIP box so that Bill Clinton would have to bump into them to get to his VIP seat, and so that they would be directly in Hillary’s sightline so as to unnerve her and cause her to lose the debate.  The dastardly deed was discovered, and the plan was thwarted.)  It was wrong and it was a new low in our Presidential politics.  Besides, it was Trump’s way of trying to cover up his own egregious sins.  Normally, I would try to come up with something humorous or pithy about the week, but children, I’ve got nothing because I think I just watched our republic die Sunday night, aided and abetted by the Religious Right—especially the men over fifty years old.**

CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

That’s right, my Delightful Readers, according to the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll, 71 percent of white evangelical voters said they would vote for Trump if the election were held today even though he’s a racist, a xenophobe, a mocker of the disabled, a tax evader, and an adulterer, and now he seems to think its cool TO ASSAULT WOMEN.  We’ve all heard the infamous open-mic chatter of Donald Trump’s workplace vulgarity (he claims it was locker room humor, but he was at work, getting ready to tape a show), but it bears repeating for the sake of removing the scales of deception from the eyes of those who refuse to see:

ACCESS HOLLYWOOD’S TAPE OF TRUMP’S “HONORING. RESPECTFUL WORDS” ABOUT WOMEN MADE RIGHT ABOUT THE TIME HE MARRIED HIS THIRD WIFE (POOR MELANIA, SHE MUST FEEL SO GREAT ABOUT HER MARRIAGE RIGHT ABOUT NOW)

“I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it,”

“I did try and fuck her. She was married,” Trump says.

“And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’”

“I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”

(AS TRUMP AND SIDE KICK, BILLY BUSH [CAN YOU BELIEVE HE IS A BUSH RELATIVE?] APPROACH AN UNSUSPECTING WOMAN GREETER, THE MAN WHO WISHES TO BE OUR NEXT PRESIDENT CONTINUES…)

“I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her.  You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”

“And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”

“Grab them by the pussy,” Trump says. “You can do anything.”

 

CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

***

PAT ROBERTSON (head of The Christian Broadcasting Network) to Donald Trump:  “You inspire us all.”

  JERRY, FALWELL, JR. (President of the nation’s largest Christian university and one of the first Christian leaders to support Donald Trump):  “In my opinion, Donald Trump lives a life of loving and helping others as Jesus taught in the great commandment.”

JAMES DOBSON (Christian psychologist and founder of Focus on the Family) about Donald Trump: “I am endorsing Donald J. … I am also very enthusiastic by the selection of Gov. Mike Pence as Mr. Trump’s running mate. Together, I believe they will make America great again.”

RALPH REED (Head of Faith & Freedom Coalition) regarding Donald Trump’s “pussy grab”: “People of faith are voting on issues like who will protect unborn life, defund Planned Parenthood, defend religious liberty and oppose the Iran nuclear deal.  A ten-year-old tape of a private conversation with a talk show host ranks low on their hierarchy of concerns.”

CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: John Cole, The Scranton Times Tribune

WAIT, WHAT?  THIS JUST IN?  HOT OFF THE PRESSES! Christian women, especially those who have survived sexual abuse and women under forty years old, are beginning to peel away from The Donald, led by none other than the female American evangelist, Beth Moore (author and founder of Living Proof Ministries):

“I’m one among many women sexually abused, misused, stared down, heckled, talked naughty to. Like we liked it. We didn’t. We’re tired of it,” Moore said. She also had a word about evangelical leaders still supporting Trump: “Try to absorb how acceptable the disesteem and objectifying of women has been when some Christian leaders don’t think it’s that big a deal.”—Joshua Dubois/The Daily Beast (see full article listed under references—it is worth the read)*

All righty, now!  Okay, Christian men who are voting for Trump and are supporting him, no matter what.  You men who have wives, daughters, sisters, and mothers:  where are your fucking balls?  You better find them, because if the Donald has his way, he’s coming for their “pussies,” unless they aren’t a “10” in his eyes, then he’ll just insult them by calling them “slobs, dogs, and ugly, fat pigs.”  Rise up, oh men of God, and do the right thing!

CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

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ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA MOMENT)

I am discovering “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,” but when a person truly repents of their sins, which one of us who live in glass houses has a right to throw past sins in the face of the x-sinner’s spouse just to score political points or to try and win a debate?  I’ll let you decide, Dear Reader, which one of these men is someone who might be the better person in spite of his egregious past choices. 

BILL CLINTON’S PUBLIC REPENTENCE 18 YEARS AGO:  “I don’t think there’s a fancy way to say that I have sinned. It is important to me that everyone who has been hurt know that the sorrow I feel is genuine — first and most important, my family, my friends, my staff, my cabinet, Monica Lewinsky and her family, and the American people. I have asked all for their forgiveness.

“To be forgiven, more than sorrow is required, at least two more things.  First, genuine repentance, a determination to change and to repair breaches of my own making. I have repented.

“Second, what my Bible calls a broken spirit, an understanding that I must have God’s help to be the person that I want to be, a willingness to give the very forgiveness I seek, a renunciation of the pride and the anger which cloud judgment, lead people to excuse and compare and to blame and complain.”

DONALD TRUMP’S IDEA OF REPENTENCE TODAY: “Why do I have to repent, why do I have to ask for forgiveness if [I’m] not making mistakes?” [And since The Donald never admits he’s wrong, he never has to ask forgiveness.]

CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: Taylor Jones, Politicalcartoons.com

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THOUGHT-PROVOKING QUOTES

“Character is what you do when nobody’s looking. And this video captures Trump in the middle of day, sober, a few months after being married, talking with a man he barely knows, bragging about sexual assault, while wearing a microphone.   This is, apparently, the real Donald Trump …”—John Avlon/Daily Beast

 “Trump-loving evangelical leaders should either apologize to Bill Clinton or admit, after all these years, that they, too, have a character issue.”—Jonathan Merritt

“Donald Trump knows he won’t be president. He’s now in full carnival-barking, network-launching, party-nuking mode — a scowling, pouting menace who threatened during a nationally televised debate to throw Hillary Clinton in jail and called her husband the most sexually abusive man in political history.”—REVIEW OF THE SECOND DEBATE/Ron Fournier, writer for The Atlantic

WINNER OF DEBATE:  CNN POLL=57% (Hillary)-34% (The Donald)

CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

REFERENCES

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/10/10/beth-moore-the-christian-women-speaking-out-about-trump-s-bad-news.html  *

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2016/10/08/this-is-the-last-spastic-breath-from-the-religious-right-before-its-overdue-death/?tid=hybrid_experimentrandom_1_na **

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/second-presidential-debate-takes-the-low-road-as-attacks-and-slurs-dominate/2016/10/10/e350484a-8e9f-11e6-9c52-0b10449e33c4_story.html?hpid=hp_rhp-banner-main_campaign-banner%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/08/evangelical-christians-trump-bill-clinton-apology/495224/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

A CONVERSATION WITH A DOG ABOUT A DOG

Do you know what I discovered this week?   Not only do all dogs go to heaven, but they can talk, too (at least I think they can or I may be hearing things).  Not only do all dogs go to heaven but they are watching us (I mean, they just might be or I may be paranoid).  How do I know this?  I think I got a 911 message from my grand-dog, Wednesday Addams—a shorkie (cross between a Yorkshire Terrier and a Shih Tzu) who is 11 years old (77 in human years)—who said she needed to talk to me ASAP about the poopy stuff that’s been going down in the country before she bites the dust, which apparently she almost did.  Said she’d watched the debate between Hillary and Trump and wanted to weigh in with the animal perspective.  I mean I think my grand-dog said that, but it might have been all the booze I drank to dull the terror I felt every time that delusional, sexist, racist, Putin-ass-kissing, non-taxpaying liar who wants to move into 1600 Pennsylvania Ave and declare himself “King of the World!” opened his mouth at the debate the other night.

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

I’m sure the copious alcohol, the stress from imagining delusional people believing all the lies of a delusional presidential candidate, mixed with the dog food commercial I saw right before I fell asleep must have had something to do with the fact that I had a political conversation with a dog.   In any case, it was very informative.  In my dream, Wednesday Addams sent me a selfie that she turned into a meme with a 911 message that said:  “Saw the debate:  What the fuck?!  Call me, Mema.  We need to talk—now!”

Grand-dog, Wednesday Addams/Photo Credit: C. Tomczyk/Photo dedicated to J. Alsop

ME: Oh, my God, Wednesday—you poor baby—what happened to you?  Where was this selfie taken?

WEDNESDAY:  Hey Mema.  At the doggy emergency room.  Doc said I’m a “victim of Trump-induced hysteria.”  Apparently, there is a lot of it going around amongst humans, but this is the first case he’s seen in the animal kingdom.

ME:  Wow, but it looks as if you’re really messed up, Baby.  What happened to your foot?  What’s that crap on your head?

WEDNESDAY:  Well, what had happened was, I was watchin’ the debates and every time Trump told a lie or didn’t own up to his racist shit I shook my head back and forth in denial like a crazed Muppet and kicked the TV stand because I couldn’t believe there would be people delusional enough to believe him.

ME:  Well, Sweetie, if the debates disturbed you that much, why didn’t you just turn them off?

WEDNESDAY:  I did.  I had my mommy turn on “Empire” that I’d saved on the DVR (you know that’s my favorite Black people show, that and “Scandal”), but in the first five minutes, Boo-Boo-Kitty killed Rhonda!  I almost had a heart attack.  So I kicked the TV stand again!  I was so pissed that I had your daughter turn off “Empire” and read me the latest People magazine.  You know what your daughter had the nerve to tell me?  She said that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were breaking up.  WTF?  How will I go on now?  Is this the end of true love?

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

ME:  Let me guess:  you kicked the TV stand again in anger?

WEDNESDAY:  No, this time I kicked my Mommy, and I said:  “Bitch, you better check yourself—don’t you be hatin’ on my Brangelina sweeties!”

ME:  Oh sweet Jesus!  Let me guess, I’m thinking that didn’t go over very well?  Is that why your neck’s in a giant ice cream cone?  Did she try to wring it?

WEDNESDAY:  No . . . My mommy would never hurt me.  She just grounded me for life, that’s all.  The vet put this shit on my head to keep me from pulling off this nasty-ass boot because my toe is all busted up.  I hate this thing—it is ugly as hell.  Doesn’t match any of my outfits.

ME:  Well, cheer up, My Love. Since you’re almost 77 years old in human years, you won’t be grounded that long ‘cause your ass will be singing with Jesus before too much longer.

WEDNESDAY:  Ahhhh—now why you wanna go say something like that?

ME:  Just kiddin’—just a little gallows humor to cheer you up.  Besides, you needn’t be so dramatic about all this.  As for the storyline in “Empire,” you knew from the cliff hanger from last season that it was either going to be Boo-Boo-Kitty who bit the dust or Rhonda, and since Boo-Boo-Kitty was pregnant with a Lion heir, Rhonda had to go.  You should have seen the handwriting on the wall with Brad and Angelina because she stole him from Jennifer Aniston when Brad was married to her.  Baby, karma is a bitch.  Karma may not get back at you immediately, but it will pay you back inevitably.  Now as to Trump, well, Wednesday Addams, you need not worry because Hillary kicked his ass down into Hell and back again.  My favorite moment in the debate was when he continued his two-week long rag on her that she lacked stamina as he appeared to slump into the podium, sniffle like a snot-nosed kid, and constantly drink water—all the while looking like a stuck pig.  In the meantime, our girl Hillary outpaced him a hundred to one and stood cool, calm, and collected.  Yeah Baby, talk about karma.

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

WEDNESDAY:  That’s what Mommy said, but I’ve been hearing on the news today that people are still going to vote for him.  What is wrong with those people?  What if The Donald does get elected?  From the way he feels about women (calling them “pigs, slobs, and dogs”), the way he tortured the President with racist Birther lies which he still won’t say he’s sorry for, I can’t imagine how he must feel about “moi” if he has so little regard for humans.  And the worst part is what he did to Alicia Machado, the former Miss Universe that he called “Miss Piggy” because she gained a few pounds—humiliated her, he did.  Fat Donnie even called Ms. Machado “Miss Housekeeping.”  She is a Latina for God’s sake!  Even I know that is a racist thing to say—like calling me a son of a bitch because the stereotype is that dog’s have no parents.  I had two parents, thank you very much!! How many feet do I have to bust up before someone takes note that I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!

ME:  Well, I can tell that someone’s been watching the movie “Network” during her convalescence.   Listen Dog, Trump is delusional if he thinks he’s got the goods to be the President of our great nation.  He proved during the first debate with Hillary he does not.  And even though his staunch basket of deplorables will never leave him (even Hitler had his loyal basket), others saw “an emperor” at the debate “without any clothes” who seemingly boasted that not paying his taxes was smart business, and that he rooted for the housing market crash in 2012 so that he could make money because that was good for his bottom line.  Enough good people heard him to make a difference.  People who work hard every day and have always paid their taxes were horrified, people who lost their homes during the housing crash were disgusted and angry, and women who know how they should be treated and valued were mortified, and it goes without saying that most women would rather die than let a misogynistic, racist, greedy Trumpee be our President and a role model for our children.  These people may not like Hillary, but they are smart enough to realize that Trump will be the beginning of an awful end.   In the meantime, doggy-o-mine, stop kicking the furniture and go tell your mommy and her friends to vote for Hillary!

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering that I am not as confident as I make myself out to be when I’m chatting with my grand-dog in my dreams.   I must confess that it causes me a great deal of concern that we, as Americans, seem to be so delusional as a people (“a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary” according to Webster’s) that Trump is within striking distance of Hillary in the race for the White House.

At the writing of this post, it is 41 days, 3 hours, 40 minutes, and 5 seconds until Election Day, and we stand at a critical point in American history.  ATTENTION ALL WHO HAVE EARS TO HEAR:  This is not a drill.  This is real life.  Donald Trump showed himself to be an ignorant, petulant bully who cannot control his tweet finger.   I’m sure that most of the Germans who voted for Hitler were very, very sorry as they stood on the rubble of the scorched Earth at the end of WWII, but it was too little, too late.  Not voting is not an option in 41 days.  (Also, IMHO using your vote as a “protest vote” is cute in an alternate universe, but could get skanky pants elected by robbing the legitimate, qualified candidate of the necessary votes and leave you sobbing in your cups like the Brexit voters did a few months ago.)

In the meantime, I’m going to go now and find a good therapist, because the stress of wondering what the outcome really will be with all the delusion that is fogging the air is driving me to drink.

Cartoon used by permission: Mike Keefe Cagle Cartoons

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT DELUSION

“Victims of Trump-induced anxiety describe nightmares, insomnia, digestive problems, and headaches. Therapists find themselves helping their patients through a process that feels less like an election than a national nervous breakdown.”—Michelle Goldberg/Slate (What women really think about news, politics, and culture)

“There’s always an element of self-delusion among people who believe they ought to be President. There’s an underestimation of your opponent and an overestimation of your own abilities. This is compatible with being rich and powerful, the idea that we were blessed by God because we deserve to be blessed.”—Jimmy Carter

 “If the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton revealed anything, it is that she has passed the presidential test — and he hasn’t. Clinton was calm and in command. With a smile on her face, she made the case against Trump on all the hot-button issues: his refusal to reveal his taxes, his advocacy of birtherism, his racism, his sexism and many others. She showed mastery of her brief.”—Max Boot, USA Today, Trump Showed He’s No Commander in Chief

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

REFERENCES

http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/09/27/trump-clinton-debate-nuclear-codes-commander-in-chief-max-boot/91167896/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/a-lean-toward-clinton-among-one-group-of-undecided-north-carolina-voters/2016/09/27/ff271b2e-8469-11e6-92c2-14b64f3d453f_story.html?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_voters-120pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/27/opinion/campaign-stops/the-lies-trump-told.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=span-abc-region&region=span-abc-region&WT.nav=span-abc-region&_r=0

http://www.rawstory.com/2016/09/this-devastating-video-reveals-how-undecided-voters-reacted-to-trumps-dismal-debate-performance/

http://www.salon.com/2016/09/27/i-say-nothing-trump-refuses-to-apologize-to-african-americans-and-president-obama-for-his-birtherism-during-first-debate/

http://www.salon.com/2016/09/27/donald-trumps-miss-piggy-problem-why-his-criticism-of-alicia-machados-weight-matters/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/clinton-shifts-the-election-in-her-direction/2016/09/27/c0b84950-845d-11e6-a3ef-f35afb41797f_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-c%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.2683a7f1ef8f

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2016/09/trump_induced_anxiety_is_a_real_thing.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

SHE IS RISEN—HILLARY IS ALIVE!

Do you know what I discovered at the beginning of the week?  Hillary Clinton had died!  OH MY GOD! Do you know how I found out?  The Media told me so—from all over the Internet to Britain and back to the U.S.

“IS HILLARY DEAD? Sick Hillary Clinton death rumors sweep the internet as conspiracy theorists claim wannabe president DIED in hospital after 9/11 memorial collapse.”—The Sun/daily tabloid newspaper published in the United Kingdom and Ireland

“Good evening,” said WABC weekend anchor Joe Torres. “We begin with Hillary Clinton’s death…”

 

Cartoons used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

Oy! I fainted right there on the spot after getting the news.  It’s not that I’m in the tank for Hillary, it’s just that I will need to find a new country if Trump becomes President.  Shoot, I just got used to living in America as it is, and now I’m going to have to find another country to park my chubby ass?  But then I remembered that I’m no fool, and the Media on both sides of the aisle have lost their sexist, freakin’ minds when it comes to the potential of Hillary Clinton becoming our first woman President.  I remembered how I need to weigh everything I read, see, and hear with a grain of salt or else I’ll be collecting moving boxes and changing my mailing address for nothing.  And then, PRAISE JESUS! I read that Hillary only has walking pneumonia, which is why she fainted. Why didn’t she just come right out and tell us she had pneumonia when she was first diagnosed instead of waiting and practically giving me a heart attack?

But wait! Then I read that the person who appeared back on the campaign trail today is NOT HILLARY, she is a body-double, according to all the Alt-right media outlets.  Oh no, wait a New York minute:  another Alt-Right website says that Hillary is alive, but she has Parkinson’s disease, suffers from seizures, has AIDS from a now defunct affair with someone still TBD, and elephantiasis in the legs and thighs which is why she always wears pantsuits.

Hum, it seems like Hillary could have nipped this conspiracy shit in the bud, if she’d simply announced from the beginning that she had pneumonia and was going to take a couple days off.  I could have told her that if she kept going, she’d bite the dust because it has happened to me—twice.  She should have just fessed up.  How is she going to handle these little speed bumps when she’s the President?  Nothing disperses the lies of darkness like the light of truth.

Cartoons used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

Trump is far, far worse.  I’m still in a state of shock that we, as Americans, can’t see through this con man.  He’s working the long con and at least half of us are swallowing it hook, line, and sinker.  After months of raging against Hillary to come clean about her health from all he’d learned about it on the Alt-Right conspiracy “news” sites, Humpty-Trumpty finally released an overview of his own health on “Dr. Con’s” (oops! I meant Dr. Oz’s) TV reality show by answering questions “Dr. Con” presented without actually doing blood and urine work on the dude.  From what I can ascertain, Trump is addicted to junk food, has cholesterol issues (all that Kentucky Fried Chicken, I suspect), does not exercise (No?! You mean one doesn’t get that Trump fat ass and girdled belly from jogging?), has the “normal ailments of a 70-year-old man” (does that include erectile dysfunction from a tiny dick the size of his fingers?), and he says he needs to lose a “little weight” (says he’s 236 pounds . . . if that chub-a-lub is 236 pounds, I’m a size 4 and look like Kate Hudson).  Yet, “his health is excellent, especially his mental health,” and Trump’s lab results were “astonishingly excellent”—so says his decades-long gastroenterologist, Dr. Harold Bornstein.  (Speaking of being transparent, I thought a gastroenterologist was an intestine, gut, and colonoscopy doctor, not an internist or a general practitioner.  No wonder Humpty-Trumpty had to get a second opinion from “America’s doctor”—the one that Congress racked over the coals for his less than transparent “miracle diet pills,” that don’t work.  I know because I tried them, and my fat ass is still a size 16!

Cartoons used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

DOESN’T ANYBODY TELL THE TRUTH ANYMORE?  As I was thinking about this election, how both candidates’ trustworthy numbers are in the toilet, and how Trump is the most opaque, duplicitous candidate that has ever run for President (he still refuses to release his tax returns), I thought if I ran for the Presidency, I wouldn’t tell the American voters anything either.  Why?  Because we don’t seem to care.  Our candidates are not the problem—we are!   Think about it.  We stopped living a self-examined life a long time ago which is why it is so difficult to demand it of our candidates.  First of all, we would all have to agree on the definition of transparency, but I don’t think we do.

What is the definition of transparency according to Merriam-Webster?

Able to be seen through

Easy to notice or understand

Honest and open—not secretive

Then we would have to agree on what defines those less-than desirable—some would say, “deplorable” splotches of darkness that live within us.  I’ve known people (who claimed to be Jesus lovers and walking the talk) who would fly into a rage and threaten to burn me at the stake if I even hinted that they might be a “tiny bit” racist, or xenophobic, or anti-Semitic, and yet, before I could get the words of repentance out of my mouth for misjudging them, they’d slip and tell me how they were off to a business trip to Dubai where the “diaper heads” live, or ask me “why are so many instructions in Spanish these days—why can’t those fucking Mexicans learn to speak English?” or they would let it slip that they absolutely knew that the “Holocaust was a hoax that the Jews concocted to bleed the world of more money, like only Jews can do, and who do those goddamn Jews think they are anyway?”  (Needless to say, I kicked those Christian Neanderthals to the curb once their hatreds became transparent to me.)

Cartoons used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

So, I think what we need as a country is to get on the same page with our definitions.  Therefore, I set up a few guidelines to help us all foster transparency in ourselves and others by using the Jeff Foxworthy model of “You know you’re a Redneck, if . . .”   For instance, Hillary made a statement before she bit the dust the other day that she caught hell for:

“To just be grossly generalistic, you can put half of Trump supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables.  Right? Racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic, you name it.”

Then all the racists, sexists, homophobics, xenophobics, Islamophobics were so furious that they prayed down all the plagues of the Apocalypse on her for calling them deplorable (no wonder she got pneumonia).  And yet, survey shows:

“While 65 percent of his [Trump’s] supporters think President Obama is a Muslim, only 13 percent think that he’s a Christian. Fifty-nine percent think Obama was not born in the United States, and only 23 percent think he was. Twenty percent nationwide think it was a bad idea that slaves were emancipated, and 16 percent in South Carolina think that whites are a superior race.”—Stacey Patton/Washington Post

JUST SAYIN’ . . . if the shoe fits—wear it!

Cartoons used by permission: RJ Matson Roll Call

***

But how can you tell if you’re a “deplorable?”

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DEPLORABLE, IF . . .

You think President Obama is a Manchurian Candidate born in Kenya

You think that most Mexicans are rapists and murderers

You agree with Trump that we should drive all undocumented immigrants out of the country, regardless of any extenuating circumstances

You want to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it

You think that Breitbart.com, the Drudge Report, and Alex Jones are trust-worthy news sources

You think punching an old lady in the face who is carrying an oxygen tank at a Trump rally is cool

You think mocking a Gold-Star mother is fair game

You think that verbally attacking a Black pastor after being a guest in her church is “telling it like it is, or speaking his mind,” after your candidate broke the agreed-upon rules for allowing his visit

You think a Muslim ban is just the cat’s meow

You think burning mosques is scoring points for God and country

You think setting a Muslim woman’s hijab on fire is “doing the right thing” and punching a Muslim mother in the stomach as she’s pushing her kid in a stroller is making America great again

You think mocking a disabled NY Times reporter is great form

You think it was a bad idea that my ancestors were emancipated

You think White people are being persecuted, and you mock Black Lives Matter

You think people are trying to eradicate Christmas trees, Christmas carols, and two months of Christmas shopping from your greedy little hands, and you label it as “Christianity is under attack”

You love that your candidate hired the head of Breitbart (an alt-right site) to run his campaign, in spite of all the hateful, racist, lying rhetoric he’s known for

You throw up in your mouth when you see an interracial couple

You throw up in your mouth when you see a Gay couple

You agree with a recent poll that says 62% of White people think that Black people are lazy and less intelligent

You think it is perfectly acceptable that the KKK and David Duke have wholeheartedly endorsed your candidate because he best trumpets their values

Cartoons used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

If you agree with even just one of the above Trump camp attributes, then you might be a deplorable and need a heart transplant.  Just sayin’!

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) REGARDING TRANSPARENCY

I am discovering that all of us need to start being more transparent and demanding that our Presidential candidates do the same.  Let’s start by telling Hillary that no matter how paranoid she is of the right-wing media, if she doesn’t start being forthright with us (on everything), she is not going to get our vote because she keeps creating unnecessary problems.  If she doesn’t, we’ll just stay home and start packing to move to Canada. STOP TAKING US (African-Americans, Latinos, educated suburban women, union workers) FOR GRANTED, HILLARY!

Let’s start by telling Trump to release his tax forms TODAY, answer truthfully to the damning accusations brought to light in the latest Newsweek article [1], and explain the reasons behind his fucking bromance with Vladimir Putin—it’s unbecoming, it’s un-American, and it’s downright creepy.

Cartoons used by permission: Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons.com

 ***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ON TRANSPARENCY

“Antibiotics can take care of pneumonia. What’s the cure for an unhealthy penchant for privacy that repeatedly creates unnecessary problems?”—David Axelrod, retired Senior Advisor to President Obama

“Things will absolutely go wrong. In a healthy team, as soon as things go wrong, that information should be surfaced. Trying to hide or obscure bad news creates an environment of distrust or lack of transparency.”—Steven Sinofsky

“I think the currency of leadership is transparency. You’ve got to be truthful. I don’t think you should be vulnerable every day, but there are moments where you’ve got to share your soul and conscience with people and show them who you are, and not be afraid of it.”—Howard Schultz

 “I believe transparency in government is key to restoring our nation’s faith in its elected leaders.”—Kirsten Gillibrand

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

REFERENCES

http://www.sltrib.com/opinion/4346539-155/dana-milbank-yes-half-of-trump

http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2016/09/new-studies-prove-hillary-right-trumps-deplorable-followers/

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/15/opinion/trumps-deplorable-deflections.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-left-region&region=opinion-c-col-left-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-left-region

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/even-with-new-details-trump-still-the-least-transparent-candidate-in-modern-times/2016/09/14/caaa0dba-7a92-11e6-ac8e-cf8e0dd91dc7_story.html?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trumptransparency-925pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstor

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/09/15/trump-shares-letter-from-his-doctor-saying-he-takes-cholesterol-lowering-drug-is-overweight/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trump-letter-1030am%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/15/donald-trumps-visit-with-dr-oz-was-just-as-amazing-as-you-though-it-would-be/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trump-letter-1030am%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/69-year-old-woman-punched-in-the-face-by-man-leaving-donald-trump-rally/ar-BBw8Xq6?li=BBnbcA1

http://www.newsweek.com/2016/09/23/donald-trump-foreign-business-deals-national-security-498081.html  [1]

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

CRAZY-GO-NUTS

Do you know what I discovered this week?  I need a break!  I’m about to lose my mind.  Between all things Trump and trying to write my third book (over halfway finished), I am worn out.   I’m getting hives, I don’t sleep, my blood pressure is climbing, I’ve got a permanent nervous twitch in my left eye, and I am overeating from the stress as if every day was my last meal before Armageddon.   I tried to watch the Olympics to take my mind off my worries, but as the song says, “I felt nothing” during the opening ceremony.

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

I don’t know about you, but after the brilliance of the Beijing 2008 and London 2012 opening ceremonies, seeing Rio’s opening ceremony done on a shoe-string budget was vastly underwhelming. Giselle Bundchen, a white, blue-eyed blond German, taking her last long-ass cat walk as one of the top highlights of the night was definitely a huge yawn and slightly agitating.  All I could think about was Brazil’s problems with “whitening” and their issues with miscegenation, and it just made me sad for “the African and Amerindian descendants—many who live in poverty.  I couldn’t set aside the Zika threat that will deform millions of babies in a predominantly Catholic country that is against abortion but squandered any national finances that might help these poor kids, and that the perverse corruption, the pollution, and the vulnerability of our athletes to terror threats all hovered like storm clouds over Rio—the thought of it was too much for me to fully relax.  The world is in such a mess, and watching the Olympics in Rio didn’t make me happy, it just reminded me that our entire Earth is one giant ball of murder, mayhem, and chaos, and there is nowhere to run—nowhere to hide.

Cartoon used by permission: The Minneapolis-Star Tribune 

So I pushed aside the dull Olympics (except for Simone Biles—I do so loves me some perfection in motion) and thought about what I really needed to perk up my spirits.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks:  I needed family—I needed me some grandson time!  So I sent my seven-year-old grandson a text and asked him if he’d like to come down for a visit for a couple of weeks.  He said he would love to, especially if he could sleep in his super-hero costume every night, go to Busch Gardens every day, and have lots of pizza, spaghetti, and cookies without interference from The Mother when he came to visit.  I said, “Sure, what are grandmothers for, but to stick it to their daughters as payback for all the grief they caused when they were teenagers!” (Judging from the picture he sent me in response to my text, he was having issues with The Mother that day.)

Grandson/Photo credit:  K. Tomczyk

Then I started thinking:  wouldn’t it be fabulous to have a family reunion?   To surround myself with what is important in life and to forget about the consummate assholes in our world for a time—from ISIS to Donald Trump.  So I called up my other daughter and her dog, Wednesday Addams, my sister and some extended family and invited them all down next week.

So I’M TAKING A BREAK!  I won’t be blogging for a few weeks, but I’ll be grilling ribs and chicken, baking cakes and pies, playing family games and laughing my ass off while drinking copious wine, as well as suffering through Busch Gardens for the sake of my grandson.  While I’m gone, please keep an eye on things for me—especially that rodent from another planet—Donald Trump.  I am convinced that I feel a shift in the winds of his fortunes, but anything can happen to reverse the tides.   I’m a prayin’ woman, and God don’t like ugly which means I know he’s answering my prayers to crush Trump’s sorry ass.  I don’t want The Donald to simply lose; I want a tsunami to bury his punk-ass and all the ignorant racists who lay claim to him.  This fascist spirit must never rise again!  But it ain’t over yet, so keep watch and stay vigilant.  If things start to get crazier, send me a note or give me a call, and I’ll get back on my knees and start praying again. In the meantime, below are some cartoons to keep you informed regarding the task at hand—defeating Trump.  Should you miss me or you become dismayed at the election mayhem, cut out one of these and paste it on your refrigerator to give you strength and renewed vision.

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CARTOONS TO LIVE BY WHILE I’M GONE!

SINKING SHIP CARD:  Cards to send to Trump when he officially loses.

August 8, 2016

Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News

DAY OF REMEMBERENCE (July 29, 2016) CARD—the day Trump lost the 2016 election: The moment the Kahns challenged Trump’s racism and lack of sacrifice in the memory of their Gold Star son (“Mr. Trump, you’ve sacrificed nothing; you’ve sacrificed no one”), and Trump spent four days attacking the Kahns instead of humbly kneeling in their presence.

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons.com

WUSS CARD:  Send every time Trump complains that election is rigged just because he can’t handle losing to a girl.

August 9, 2016

Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News

OH, “HELL TO THE NO” CARD:  The day you realize how badly the next generation has been affected by Trump’s racist mouth.

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

WORDS MATTER CARD:  To be sent to Trump, his handlers, and apologists who say that Trump’s dog whistle challenge to his 2^nd Amendment base to assassinate Hillary Clinton or the Supreme Court judges she picks was a joke.  Let them know in no uncertain terms that “words matter” and those particular words were not only dangerous, but intolerable, and his flippant mouth is going to get somebody killed.  Tell Trump and friends to ask Yigal Amir, Yitzhak Rabin’s (Prime Minister of Israel) assassin whether words matter.  Amir was inspired by the unchecked, heated, political rhetoric to kill Rabin in 1995 for his peace negotiations with Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow Columbia Daily-Tribune, Missouri 

LOCK HIM UP! CARD:  The day you realize that Donald Trump is mentally ill, that Karma is a bitch, and that what goes around comes around—like his campaign rallies shouting about Hillary, “lock her up!”

Cartoon used by permission: Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

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ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA MOMENT) THIS WEEK

I am discovering that I’m even out of pithy quotes to give you, so I’m leaving you with only a definition.  Whichever presidential candidate fits this shoe, then put it on him and don’t turn your back on him for a New York minute, or he’ll end up kicking you in the ass for four years and counting.

 “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”—Mayo Clinic Staff/Mayo Clinic Website

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“YOU HAVE SHIT FOR BRAINS, AMERICA” CARD:  The card to send on November 9th to the American electorate who voted for Trump, should he become President.

Cartoon used by permission: Randall Enos, Cagle Cartoons

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NOW I’M OFF TO GO SLATHER A BUCKET OF SAUCE ON COPIOUS RACKS OF RIBS AND MAKE A BATHTUB FULL OF POTATO SALAD!  SEE YOU AT THE END OF AUGUST!

XOXOXO—ELEANOR T.

***

MY EXPRESSION WHEN MY WONDERFUL FAMILY ARRIVES TODAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY AND SUNDAY

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WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

#FAKETRUMPINTELLIGENCEBRIEFING

Do you know what I discovered this week?  When the area of the country you live in has a heat index of 126 degrees Fahrenheit for several days running, and the air conditioning gives out in your house and you feel like a piece of barbecued meat—when you call your heating and air company and they say “take a number”—all you can do is lay down on the floor in front of a mediocre fan praying that you haven’t been condemned to Hell without your knowledge.

Used by permission:  Luojie, China Daily China/Cagle Cartoons

There is very little that you can do in those circumstances except lie on the floor butt naked in front of a fan that your husband suddenly discovers in the basement (which makes you realize once again why you love this man so much!) and watch the Democratic Convention while sipping on ice-packed gin and tonics also provided by WW (White and Wonderful).

Call me crazy, or maybe it was the heat, the alcohol, or the slightly feverish delirium I experienced from it all, but I got up off the floor at the end of the DNC week totally in the tank for Hillary.  (Of course, my shouts of “I’M WITH HER!” I’M WITH HER!” were mingled with happy tears and kisses for the rather rotund air conditioning man who finally fixed my HVAC unit at 10:00 p.m. that night.  P.S. Clothes were donned before answering the door, in case your little nasty minds “went there.”)

But before my AC angel showed up, I preened with pride over Michelle Obama’s speech—the best convention speech EVER (try and steal that one Melania).  When President Obama spoke, I choked up with gratitude (and pride!) at the honor of having had such a fabulously intelligent, gracious, dignified, and unifying leader as President Obama when he said:  “. . .  I see Americans of every party, every background, every faith who believe that we are stronger together – black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American; young and old; gay, straight, men, women, folks with disabilities, all pledging allegiance, under the same proud flag, to this big, bold country that we love.”   I “went to church” with the Rev. William Barber as he preached his fiery sermon to America that we become the “moral defibrillators” of our time (did y’all see people gettin’ “the Holy Ghost” in that convention hall?).  But most of all, I sobbed uncontrollably at the speech and humility of Ghazala and Khizr Khan whose Muslim son—Humayun Khan, a 27-year-old Army captain—sacrificed his life for his troops and for my ability to go about my life in peace, safety, and air conditioning.  When Mr. Khan looked straight into the camera and said to the Muslim-hating, Muslim-banning, S.O.B Donald Trump, “You have sacrificed nothing; you have sacrificed no one,” and The Donald’s immediate reaction was to trash Mr. Kahn’s heartfelt speech and mock his wife’s painful silence—a mother so overcome with grief she could hardly stand—I knew that it was time to make a choice and take a stand against the primal, heartless, disgusting evil in our midst that was trying to become our next President.

Used by permission: Dario Castillejos, Diario La Crisis/Cagle Cartoons

As cold air wafted around my body and brought down my fever (I’m not shittin’ you—I actually caught a nasty cold from my journey into no-air-con purgatory), I discovered I had missed a couple dozen stories about Trump’s angry response to the constant thrashing he got by the DNC.  He invited Russia to commit espionage by hacking into the emails of his opponent (“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing,” Trump said on one occasion and then shortly after he said, “They [the Russians] probably have them. I’d like to have them released.”)  At the same time I was catching up on all this treasonous news, I realized, along with Harry Reid and a few others, that both the candidates would receive their first top secret briefings at some point in the near future.   I was horrified at the thought of The Donald getting anywhere near our national secrets given his alleged connections with the Russians, until Harry Reid suggested The Donald be given a “fake security briefing,” until we got to the bottom of Trump’s Russian money connection (RELEASE YOUR GOD-DAMN TAX RETURNS, DONALD!).  I thought that was a fabulous idea.  Others thought so too, and the hashtag “FAKE TRUMP INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING” started trending on Twitter in the midst of The Donald’s protests that he was “just kidding guys”—“just being sarcastic.”  I don’t know about you, but Trump’s excuse of sarcasm made what he did—inviting a foreign government to commit espionage against us—even more appalling.  If he should become the President, what happens if China pisses him off and he pushes “The Button?”  When China is obliterated off the face of the Earth because of The Donald’s narcissistic petulance, I don’t think the world will accept an “Oops, I was just kidding, guys!”—least of all 1.357 billion dead Chinese people.

Used by permission: RJ Matson, CagleCartoons.com

So I joined in the Twitter chorus of #FAKE TRUMP INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING, because this maniac cannot—must not—know our national secrets.  To do so would be at our peril.  I don’t have a Twitter account because I can’t be trusted not to turn into a Donald Trump (I need space in between my anger and communication access to the world), but I thought I’d list some of the fake things the CIA security briefer could tell The Donald and still keep our nation safe.  Hope you’re listening CIA.

***

#FAKE TRUMP INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING

By fake CIA Intelligence Agent

“Good morning, Sir.  I’ve been assigned to be your intelligence briefing agent.  I’ve gathered together all of the latest U.S. intelligence of the highest form to make sure you are fully prepared for the days ahead.  First and foremost: Your code name is ‘Orangutan’ and your wife’s code name is ‘Fembot.’  When you hear your secret service say something like, ‘Orangutan’ and ‘Fembot’ are in the house or ‘Orangutan’ and ‘Fembot’ just left the building, you’ll know that we are referencing you and Mrs. Trump.

“Now our first order of business is to confirm that the Russians did indeed hack the DNC email server.  In fact, they sent two of their top agents to do so:   Boris Badenov (pronounced ‘bad enough’) and Natasha Fatale.  Everyone thought that Boris and Natasha went underground and had died at the end of the Cold War, but Mr. Putin resurrected them to do his dastardly deeds against America.  We’ve been on their trail for over a year now and thanks to Wikipedia have acquired quite a bit of intel on them.  Part of our first briefing to you is to let you know that you cannot trust Vladimir Putin no matter what your previous association with him has been because he is actively running (spy word for utilizing) Boris and Natasha.

“Boris refers to himself as the ‘world’s greatest no-goodnik.’  He and Natasha are still stationed in Pottslyvania—what was once thought of as a fake east-European country—but it has come to our attention that Pottslyvania is actually the code name for Moscow. Boris and Natasha report directly to ‘Fearless Leader’ and ‘Mr. Big’ who is none other than your pal—you guessed it—Vladimir Putin.  

“Unlike yourself, Sir, Boris is a vain man and his greatest claim to fame is an autographed picture from his Fearless Leader which says: ‘Drop Dead — Signed: Fearless Leader!’  I’ve got to tell you, Sir—this sounds just like the Vlady the CIA has come to know and loathe.

“According to Wikipedia, Boris was educated in U.S.C. (the University of Safecracking)—what we spies like to call the precursor to your Trump University.  Boris graduated ‘magna cum louse’ which means we’re dealing with no dummy here.  The CIA has ascertained that the best weapon we can bring against Boris and Natasha are our best and brightest agents:  Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose.  Both Squirrel and Moose (as Boris likes to refer to them) have been in seclusion since the end of the Cold War, and they are itching to get back to work again.  If I must say so myself, Sir:  desperate times call for desperate means. The CIA feels that we should summon them ASAP to deal with this notorious spy and to free you from the libelous claims that you flirted with treason when you invited the Russians to hack and find emails that would destroy your opponent.  We know you were just kidding, Sir, but we also suspect that Boris Badenov was behind the original hacking of the DNC email server and we need to prove it ASAP.

Used by permission:  RJ Matson Roll Call/Cagle Cartoons

“In conclusion, you will need to know how to recognize Boris if he should slip into one of your campaign rallies. He is a short tubby guy who always wears the classic spy outfit (black fedora and trench coat) and never leaves Natasha Fatale’s side (she looks like Mrs. Trump (a.k.a. ‘Fembot’) with black hair).   Boris has never given up his membership in the Local 12 of the Villains, Thieves, and Scoundrels Union, and one of his tell-tale words is ‘Raskolnikov’ which references the novel Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. By the way, Sir, we know you don’t read books, so don’t panic; we will read it so you don’t have to in order to further understand the master spy mind of Boris.  And to show you the level of depravity we’re dealing with here, the spy, Boris Badenov is still a member of the Van Gogh Society, which is a Pottsylvanian club whose members collect human ears.  This little dude is no joke, Sir!

“One final note, if during your travels you hear a little short guy who looks like Danny Devito with a mustache and a Russian accent utter the words, ‘Natasha, next time I get fiendish plan, do me big favor?’ or his most definitive phrase, ‘Sharrup my mouth,” you must contact the CIA immediately because you will be in imminent danger.

“Thank you, Sir, for your time.  Next week you will be briefed on the fact that there was never a moon landing—in fact, there is really no moon.  It is a Hollywood prop.”

Fake CIA briefing used in accordance with Creative Commons licensing http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

The 1959-1964 animated cartoons Rocky and His Friends and The Bullwinkle Show collectively refer to as The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Use of this material does not indicate endorsement of the author’s views by the licensor.

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Used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

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ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA MOMENT) ABOUT #I’M WITHHER

I am discovering that most definitely “#I’MWITHHER!”  No matter what her flaws (I’m beginning to think that most of her perceived failures are 30-years of ginned-up hatred by the right-wing conservative party), she is a gazillion times more qualified, smarter, better educated, and more humane than her opponent.  I also think she loves America very much. Plus, I ain’t gonna lie—I love the fact that a qualified woman has finally broken the glass ceiling to the Oval Office. It gave me chills when Hillary won the Democratic nomination (now it may have been the air conditioning returning, but I still got chills).

In an ideal world, we’d have a plethora of candidates to choose from, no obscene Citizens United funds PAC funding polical campaigns, no billionaires fronting candidates, and no lobbyists—period.  But we are living in the real world, and some of our fellow citizens (especially right-wing Evangelicals who seemed to have traded their trust in God for power, influence, and fame) are positioning themselves to elect an unfeeling, unthinking, narcissistic, lying, clueless maniac to lead our coutry and influence the rest of the world.  Can you say WWIII? In the meantime, I would like to think that Susan B. Anthony and Martin Luther King, Jr. did a fist bump in Heaven when President Obama and Hillary hugged each other on stage at the convention the other night after he so eloquently said:  “ . . . if you’re serious about our democracy, you can’t afford to stay home just because she might not align with you on every issue. You’ve got to get in the arena with her, because democracy isn’t a spectator sport. America isn’t about ‘yes he will.’  It’s about ‘yes we can.’  And we’re going to carry Hillary to victory this fall, because that’s what the moment demands.” 

I’d like to add that democracy is not a reality show.

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

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INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“I learned that leadership is about falling in love with the people and the people falling in love with you. It is about serving the people with selflessness, with sacrifice, and with the need to put the common good ahead of personal interests.”—Joyce Banda

“No decisions should ever be made without asking the question, is this for the common good?”—Michael Moore

“Too many politicians are shifting the critical themes of our national conversations from a ‘big ideas’ American Brand Platform to narrowly focused, polarizing sound bites that put party philosophy before what used to be heralded as the common good. These ideas, more often than not, divide us rather than serve to bind us.”—Alan Siegel

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com

Used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle Cartoons

 WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/backlash-for-trump-after-he-lashes-out-at-the-muslim-parents-of-a-dead-us-soldier/2016/07/30/34b0aad4-5671-11e6-88eb-7dda4e2f2aec_story.html?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trumpclinton-7pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jul/30/donald-trump-muslim-father-khizr-khan-democratic-convention-speech

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/harry-reid-trump-fake-briefings_us_57991916e4b01180b5317f6e

http://www.cnn.com/2016/07/28/opinions/obama-passes-torch-begala/index.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/07/28/the-rev-william-barber-dropped-the-mic/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_fix-barber-1215am%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/candidates-poised-for-classified-briefings-despite-spy-agency-worries-over-trump/2016/07/28/865cd686-5500-11e6-bbf5-957ad17b4385_story.html?hpid=hp_special-topic-chain_briefing-850pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2016/07/29/why-hillary-clinton-is-both-widely-disliked-and-widely-admired/?hpid=hp_regional-hp-cards_rhp-card-posteverything%3Ahomepage%2Fcard

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

HOUSE OF HORRORS

Well, do you know what I discovered this week after getting first-hand reports back from the Republican Convention in Cleveland?   I have been driven to drink, and I’m throwing all caution to the wind because the world is coming to an end.  (Why the hell should I watch what I eat when Armageddon is at hand?)  Even now as I write this blog, I am downing copious glasses of Merlot, a giant bowl of popcorn, and just as soon as the Hubbie comes home, I’m going to order the biggest gluten-free pizza I can find BECAUSE WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

At least that’s what Donald Trump said last night in his 75 minute speech at the GOP Convention in about 100 different ways.  Despite statistics that show otherwise (why care about the truth—who needs facts when an egomaniacal, despot wants you to think that the world is coming to an end?), we’re descending into lawlessness and disorder, a race war is going to start tomorrow from coast to coast by Black people who have forgotten their place and don’t like being shot by cops just for the hell of it.  (The GOP thinks that this is the sole fault of President Obama (thanks a-hole, Giuliani).  Our kids are going to be starving in the streets by morning, Mexican rapists will attack our daughters, ISIS is going to invade (simultaneously) from every corner of the United States, immigrants are going to take over all our jobs from snake handlers to corporate CEOs, and the aliens from outer space, who will be invading any day now, are the sole fault of that Jezebel, Hillary Clinton, who is responsible for “death, destruction, terrorism and weakness” in America and should be “locked up”  and the key thrown away.

But The Donald is going to save us all!  Trump and only Trump, can save us from this apocalypse.  How do I know?  He told us so at the Republican Convention. He kept saying, “I am your voice—I love you—we will never, ever make bad deals—believe me—nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it!”

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

I was flabbergasted and highly agitated when I watched the GOP Convention!  How did America 2016 descend into Germany 1933? And then there was the speech debacle of Melania Trump ripping off Michelle Obama’s convention speech of 2008.  Isn’t she the wife of the man that Der Fuhrer Trump despises?  I was really confused and truly afraid.  What the hell was going on?  Was it really as bad as it seemed?  Last night I contacted my alter-ego, The Dalai Mama, who attended the convention because she is a glutton for punishment and asked her to try and get an interview with Melania.  I had heard a rumor that they used to be friends when The Dalai Mama lived in Slovenia.  Maybe Melania via The Dalai Mama could assuage my fears—maybe Donald Trump wasn’t as bad as he seemed during his acceptance speech.  (Besides, I really wanted to know if Melania plagiarized her speech and made the lowly speech writer take the fall.)  So I sent The Dalai Mama a note requesting she interview Melania, and I heard back from my alter ego this morning, which was rather convenient since my blog was due today.

******

ME:  Hey, Dalai.  How’s everything?  I’ve been watching the convention.  Was it as bad as it looked?

DALAI MAMA:   Girl, this convention was one giant cluster-fuck.  From Melania’s plagiarized speech to the people yelling “lock her up” about Hill, to Ted Cruz givin’ The Donald the finger, to Trump’s 75-minute speech of demon terror.  As a sane, rational, Black woman, I don’t know whether to move to Africa or go into hidin’ in the Caribbean.  Right now, I’m just prayin’ that Jesus will come back and rapture us all except for The Donald and all the people who plan to vote for him.  (Are you listenin’ to me, Jesus?)

ME:  That bad, huh?  Hey, I know that you and Melania used to be friends way back in the day.  Did she tell you if she slipped that plagiarism into her speech?  She did say she wrote it all by herself in the beginning.  Did she give you some insight into The Donald’s mentality?  Maybe her husband isn’t as awful as he seems.  You know how TV adds ten pounds on you, maybe it adds fifty pounds of bigotry and stupidity onto a person as well.   I need some type of reassurance here because this mini-me Fuhrer just may end up being President of the United States if we’re not careful—especially if he successfully scares the shit out of everybody, and they vote for him because they believe he is the only one who can bring back law and order.

DALAI MAMA:   Yeah, I spoke wit’ her, but I don’t think our conver will help you much—she sounded a little “turnt,” if you know what I mean.  She seemed to be a little “off”—like she wasn’t herself.   But you can hear for yo’self.  I taped the entire conversation.  In the meantime, I wonder if they have gluten-free pizza in Botswana.

Cartoon used by permission:  Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

******

DALAI MAMA’S PHONE INTERVIEW WITH MELANIA TRUMP

OPERATOR:   Hello, this is the Trump Tower receptionist.  How may I help you?

DALAI MAMA:   This is The Dalai Mama calling to speak to Melania on behalf of Eleanor T, the Blogger.  She’s expectin’ me.

OPERATOR:   One moment, please . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Hello, Melania Baby?

MELANIA:    Hello, is it me you’re looking for?  ‘Cause I wonder who you are . . .  and I . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Yo, Melania, it’s me, The Dalai Mama.  Long time no talk, huh?

MELANIA:   My cherie amour, lovely as a summer day . . . distant as the milky way . . . pretty little one that I adore . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Aw, that’s so sweet, Girlfriend.  How’s it goin’?  Listen, I heard ‘bout the plagiarism thing.   I felt real bad fo’ you.  I told everybody I knew that there is no way that girl did this fucked-up deed, ‘cause she loves her some Black people, and she would never, ever steal their shit, ‘cause her word is her bond.

MELANIA:  Dalai Mama, it’s been awful. How could people think I stole parts of Michelle Obama’s speech? I mean I admire her so much (don’t tell The Donald)—he would not be pleased. I would never plagiarize her work. It’s been awful. I’ve been crying (ooh, ooh), ‘Cause I’m lonely (for a friend to tell the truth to), Smiles have all turned (to tears), but tears won’t wash away (the fears) . . . that everyone is laughing at me.

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

DALAI MAMA:   Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . have you been drowning your sorrows in Motown?  Did you just quote Lionel Ritchie, Stevie Wonder, AND The Supremes to me?

MELANIA:   No, dez are heartfelt Slovenian thoughts.  Things said to me by me “mati in oče.”  They always told me, “don’t stop ‘til you get enough” . . .  hope, dat is.

DALAI MAMA:   Are you trying to tell me that your “mati in oče”—your mother and father—are Michael Jackson and Diana Ross? Ha!  Girl, you in worse shape than I thought.  Maybe, I should come by and check on you in person.  You don’t sound like you’re doin’ okay.

If this is any consolation to you, you looked fantastic the first night of the convention!  That dress was on “fleck,” girl.  That was a Roksanda “Margot” dress, right? Girlfriend, do you know that thing sold out within one hour after yo’ plagiarized speech!  I hope you owned stock in that designer.  At $3,000 a pop, that ain’t no chump change. Anyway, I’ve missed you, Girl.  Remember our time hangin’ out at the Karaoke clubs in Slovenia befo’ you hooked up with The Donald?

MELANIA:  Uh, huh.  Do You Remember, how we used to talk (ya know), we’d stay on the phone at night till dawn . . . hee, hee . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Oh, hell to the no . . . you are definitely channeling Michael Jackson right now.  Oh, wait a minute!  I think I see the problem here.  Some wires must of gotten crossed in that fembot head of yours after you married The Donald.  You know I love you, Baby, but that model head of yours has always had a few screws loose—no offense.  You may be able to speak several languages but your common sense was always three sheets to the wind.  After all, you did marry The Donald—just sayin’. 

MELANIA:  Here’s a little song I wrote, You might want to sing it note for note, Don’t worry, be happy . . .

DALAI MAMA:   Chil’ you gots to stop this.  I don’t think Bobby McFerrin is gonna like you stealing his shit any more than Michelle Obama did.  Let’s concentrate here.  Your husband said last night (and I quote):

“I have a message to every last person threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police: When I take the oath of office next year, I will restore law and order to our country. Believe me. Believe me.”

DALAI MAMA:   The entire convention hall cheered (even the 2-3 Uncle Tom Black people that was set-dressing put in place by yo’ husband), but it gave me chills. I swear I hear at least three different racist dog whistles in that paragraph. If you Black and you protest the Po-Po that will be considered “threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police,” therefore, you can kiss your sorry-ass good-bye. Melania, is that what yo’ husband meant?

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

DALAI MAMA:   Melania, I need you to concentrate, Chil’!  What about the press conference today when your husband said:

“And when they talk about unity, I want to tell you, that was unity. That was unity. Right? I saw you last night. That was unity. That was amazing.”

DALAI MAMA:  What unity?  Girl that was the whitest political convention I have ever seen in my life.  The only thing whiter than that convention is a KKK rally.  Am I right?  And what about that slogan he kept sayin’ over and over again ‘bout “Putting America First.”  CNN says that that slogan was used during WW2, and it meant “the name of the isolationist, defeatist, anti-Semitic national organization that urged the United States to appease Adolf Hitler.”  What do you think ‘bout that, Chica?

What ‘bout when The Donald bragged ‘bout how the Evangelicals loved him and are in full support of him?  I’m an Evangelical, and I know scores of Evangelicals, and we all think yo’ man is the Anti-Christ!!!  I’m not the only Christian that thinks that.  Only a select amount of American Christians have lost their minds . . . talkin’ crap about how they loves The Donald and will vote to make him President because his chil’ren are so poised, courteous, articulate, and professional, so he can’t be that bad.  WTF?!  He didn’t raise those chil’ren—they mamas raised them.  You know the two wives befo’ you?  Maybe we ought to elect Ivanka and Marla as President and Vice President.  What do you think about that idea, my Slovenia Fembot?

MELANIA:    STOP! In the name of love, Dalai Mama, before you break my heart . . . think it ov-o-ver!

DALAI MAMA: Oh for the love of God (and the Supremes). . . I am so out of here! You have lost yo’ ever-lovin’ mind.

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

******

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA MOMENT)

I am discovering that the nomination of Donald Trump has indeed instilled great fear in me, but not about the state of our nation which I think is better than it has ever been (does anybody remember the Jim Crow era—Black people lynched on every third tree in the South just “because”, the riots in the mid to late 60s in most of our inner cities, or the gas shortage lines in the 70s?).  After watching the Republican Convention and rereading Trump’s speech of hatred, lies, lies, lies, and demagoguery that he used to gin up fear, I am very afraid that if we are not careful, he just might win. So listen to me America, if you’ve got any rational, spiritual, or humanitarian bones in your body, then get to the polls (drag your grown children, relatives, neighbors, and friends) and vote for Hillary.  I get it that Hillary is a flawed candidate—I’m certainly not in the tank for her and will hold my nose when I vote—but at least she is a human being, the most experienced person to ever run for the presidency, and no matter what Trump and the GOP try to say about her, we won’t be marching in goosestep, with right arm raised screaming, “Heil Trump” while I try to keep me and my peeps out of the camps.  (I told you this a-hole scares me to death!)

P.S.  Save your hate emails and comments about voting for the Libertarian candidates or writing someone’s name on the ballot.  This is not a rehearsal, people! Every vote cast for anyone but Hillary is a vote for Trump.  Remember Ralph Nader?  If not, look him up and see how many elections got skewered by voting for him, and I really liked the dude, but he had no electoral power—he just sucked off the vote for the candidate who should have won.

P.P.S.  I just finished an entire gluten-free pizza, three glasses of wine, and my blood sugar is off the Richter scale.  At the rate I’m going, just the thought of Trump as President may kill me before November. Vote Hillary in November just to save my health.  Oy vez mir!

Cartoon used by permission:  David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES TO FIGHT FEAR

“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”—Thich Nhat Hanh

 “This is all you have. This is not a dry run.  This is your life.  If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.”—Laura Schlessinger (DISCLAIMER:  I absolutely abhor the author of this quote—she is a racist and a didactic bitch, but sometimes even snakes can serve a purpose if the truth of their bite gets rid of the rats in the garden.)

“So then learn to conquer your fear. This is the only art we have to master nowadays: to look at things without fear, and to fearlessly do right.”—Friedrich Durrenmatt

“Hate is the consequence of fear; we fear something before we hate it; a child who fears noises becomes a man who hates noise.”—Cyril Connolly

 “This world of ours… must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be, instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.”—Dwight D. Eisenhower

ALL QUOTES ARE COURTESY OF http://www.brainyquotes.com

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler ,The Columbus Dispatch

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

REFERENCES

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/07/21/bill-maher-on-ted-cruz-s-trump-diss-there-s-nothing-lower-than-that.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/07/22/fact-checking-donald-trumps-acceptance-speech-at-the-2016-rnc/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_trumpweb-blurb-desktop-only%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/21/us/politics/rnc-convention-delegates.html?smid=tw-share

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/21/opinion/the-gops-surreal-diversity-show.html?hpw&rref=opinion&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=well-region&region=bottom-well&WT.nav=bottom-well

http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2016/07/19/your_word_is_your_bond_history_and_origins_from_matthew_to_hip_hop.html 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/07/21/ted-cruz-was-out-for-revenge-on-wednesday-he-just-admitted-it/?hpid=hp_rhp-top-table-main_daily202-1115a-top%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/07/22/we-just-watched-the-republican-party-kill-itself.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

 

#2016InOneWord: MORTIFIED!

Do you know what I discovered this week?  Every media outlet (on and offline) has gotten on my every last nerve, as my mother used to say.  It’s been wall to wall politics—all day—every day.  If I didn’t know any better, I would swear that nothing else was happening on the Earth except for the 2016 Presidential campaigns.  But then the media cut me a break and let me watch the Super Bowl in peace.  Yes! Finally, I got a break.  Go Panthers! You da man, Cam!

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Oh well . . . and then there was that—the Broncos won.  Sigh! Although I must say, I was more than a little secretly pleased to have Peyton Manning go out for the last time on the wings of a Super Bowl win into retirement. But no sooner had I gone into mourning over my team losing the Super Bowl (Cam Newton: “what happened Buddy?”), and tried to wash the very disturbing puppy/monkey/baby Mountain Dew/juice/caffeine commercial from my psyche, the political coverage by the media came back in a deluge.

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

We’ve only just begun the race for the White House, and I am so sick of these crazy people that I could just scream.  It seems that others are as well.  On CNN, a columnist noted a new hashtag for millennials to describe their feelings in one word about how the election makes them feel—#2016InOneWord.  They responded accordingly:

Scared

Anxious

Disappointed

Frightened

Petrified

Worried

Horrified

Meh!

I added my own word: mortified!   And can you imagine what it must have been like in New Hampshire these last few days?  CNN reported seeing New Hampshire yard signs that flat-out demanded, “NO SOLICITING OF ANY KIND” to the horde of campaigners with detailed inscriptions that read:

“We are too broke to buy anything. We know who we are voting for. We have found Jesus.”

AND

“Seriously, unless you are giving away beer, PLEASE GO AWAY!”

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

I almost wish I could have been there to see what all the obsession was about, but I’m working on my third book and couldn’t get away.  Which is why I sent my alter ego, The Dalai Mama, to scout out the scene in New Hampshire and give me the what-what on the something-something especially if there was anything happening on the down-low.

If anyone could get the straight poop, then it would be The Dalai Mama.  She is my inner, fierce self.  The Dalai is what I would be in another time and another place—unafraid, full of spunk, suffering no fools, and having no problem letting them know it.  The presidential campaign trail is like watching a Monty Python movie but with verbal guns and knives—replete with popcorn. Dalai’s assessment of the New Hampshire scene was priceless.  Check out the transcript of our conversation this morning.

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

DM:       Hey Girl.  What’s happenin’?

ME:        Hey Babe.  I think the question is what’s happenin’ with you?  From all the news reports, the primaries in New Hampshire were a wild ride.  How did you fare? I’m pretty much caught up on the news everyone else knows:  GOP establishment in shambles and New Hampshire was their worst nightmare (Trump won), Hillary got creamed—women under sixty abandoned her for Sanders, Rubio’s campaign collapsed, and Trump and Sanders emerged as champions.  But I’d love to have your perspective.  What were your three biggest takeaways?

DM:       Girl, I wish you could have been here.  New Hampshire was a major bitch slap.  Tempers was flarin’, candidates was actin’ like fools, and most of them forgot everythang they mama’s done taught them.

ME:        How so?

DM:       First off:  Christie went all Jersey on Rubio’s ass during the debate.  He had been telegraphin’ all week that he was goin’ beat the shit out of Rubio down by the playground—jest like some schoolyard bully—but even though Rubio’s Hispanic, he ain’t got a lick of street smarts in him.  You could tell when it hit him that he didn’t see it comin’!  I thought cutie-pie Rubio was gonna burst into tears right then and there on the stage, but when he kept doing exactly what Christie was bullyin’ him about (bein’ a robot stuck in a loop), I almost jumped up on stage and knocked some sense into his head.  On the other hand, I think Christie thought he take out Rubio the way a bull takes out a distracted matador, then he would move on up the GOP food chain to eventually win the GOP establishment’s vote.  Well, surprise, surprise, surprise—Christie went down in flames and took “Fury-ina” with him.  They both withdrew their candidacies today.  He probably never heard the sayin’ in Jersey that “God don’t like ugly.”

February 9, 2016

Cartoon used by permission:  Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News

ME:        I think Rubio thought if he picked an unfair fight with someone who couldn’t answer back on the stage—someone bigger and more powerful than him—the rest of the Repubs would thank him for it and leave him alone.  But he miscalculated the Prez and trusted in his scoundrel fellow Republicans too much.  Obama is at the point where he doesn’t give a shit what anyone says, and the Republican candidates only have your back until you get in their way.  After all, this bunch are politicians of the lowest common denominator.  What else did you observe?

DM:       The lowlifiest thing that happened is that Trump called Cruz a female kitty cat.  You should have seen Cruz’s reaction.  His head almost exploded.  Chil’ that dude’s got anger issues to beat the band.  I couldn’t believe that Trump’s bullin’ just made his peeps love him even more, so I guess he and Trump don’t have a bromance anymore. Can you imagine that sorry-ass Trump as president?

ME:        Yep, I can see the headlines now: “WWIII started after President Trump called Putin a pussy.  Putin called President Trump the “C” word, and now we’re dealing with nothing but scorched Earth ad infinitum.”

Cartoon used by permission:  Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons,com

ME:        What was your impression of Hillary?

DM:       Mo’ like what was my impression of her ol’ man.   Did you see Bubba’s face when Hill conceded to Bernie?   I ain’t made up my mind yet ‘bout Hill, but I gots to tell you that the main thing holdin’ me back from Hillary is Bill.  I knows everybody calls him the “first Black president” ‘cause Black folks helped put him in office, and he like jazz and all, but I thinks he be takin’ us fo’ granted.  Everybody tellin’ me that his sorry-ass philanderin’ ain’t got nothin’ to do with Hillary bein’ Prez.  That may be so if he wasn’t gonna be first man.  But I knows me some Jesus, and that kind of crap don’t sit right with me or the Good Lawd.  If Bill cheat all day long, up one aisle and down the other on his wife, what the hell he gonna do to me—the voter he never met and don’t know—I’m gonna get screwed to the wall via his influence on his wife.  It tell me he only keep his word when it convenient.

Some of that ol’ Bill popped up this week.  He called my sweet Bernie “hermetically sealed from reality.”   That just brought back some real bad memories when Obama was gainin’ on Hillary in ‘08, and “he-who-can’t-keep-his-one-eyed-monster in his pants” went all racist on Obama.  Remember that?  When Ted Kennedy threw the Kennedy influence and weight behind Obama’s candidacy, do you know what racist thing Bubba said?

ME:        No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.

DM:       Clinton said ’bout takin’ Obama’s candidacy seriously:  “A few years ago, this guy (Obama) would have been carrying our bags.”  I was like, “Oh, hell to the no!  You goin’ down, Mofo.”  I just don’t trust the son-of-bitch . . . and now he and Hill tryin’ to do that to my Bernie.

ME:        So I gather you’re in the tank for Bernie?  You know he’s offered a lot of stuff that he can’t possible pay for—not to mention that he’ll never get anything done with that rabid Republican Congress.  If you think things are gridlocked now, the entire country will freeze in motion like a scene out of Frozen. Dalai Mama, are you being seduced by Bernie Sanders “heavenly promises”?

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

DM:       No.  I’m just keepin’ my options open.  All I know is Hillary better watch her step.  I am a woman and I am Black, but it don’t mean I’m in the tank for her ’cause she be the first woman president.  Just ’cause I voted for her randy-ass husband doesn’t mean I’ll automatically vote for her.  She better woo me and move Bubba out of my sight line, or it is gonna be déjà vu Obama-time.  YOU BETTER NOT TAKE ME FOR GRANTED, HILLARY!

ME:        Okay!  Looks like you heard and saw a lot in New Hampshire.  Aren’t you exhausted?  Why don’t you come on home?

DM:       What do you think, Baby?  Of course I’m exhausted, but I can’t stop now.  South Carolina and Nevada here I come, along with the rest of the media hordes.  I can’t get enough of this shit.  Best reality show on the planet.  See you later, alligator.

ME:        Sigh!  After ‘while crocodile . . .

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons com

***

I am discovering that it is going to be a long, long spring, summer and fall until the Presidential election.  The more each politician talks, the more I wish they’d shut up because all of them are over-promising, or lying, and most of them have no freakin’ idea how hard this job is going to be.  The lack of integrity, humanity, good manners, and integrity oozes from most of their pores, but the more it does the less the voters seem to mind.  Yikes!

In the meantime, the media act like stoned groupies at a rock concert—screaming and fainting in adulation for his or her favorite politician—as if these men and women were messiahs.  The media pretty much ignore everything else going on in the world—including the pain and suffering of the most vulnerable and disenfranched in our country caused by hard-hearted, greedy politicians.  We are at their mercy—unfortunately.

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

***

THOUGHT-PROVOKING QUOTES ABOUT POLITICIANS

“Many of the traits of character and leadership that Obama possesses, and that maybe we have taken too much for granted, have suddenly gone missing or are in short supply . . . Obama radiates an ethos of integrity, humanity, good manners and elegance that I’m beginning to miss, and that I suspect we will all miss a bit, regardless of who replaces him.”—David Brooks [uber-Conservative Republican], The New York Times

“One of the reasons people hate politics is that truth is rarely a politician’s objective. Election and power are.”—Cal Thomas

“If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.”—H. L. Mencken

“Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.”—Charles de Gaulle

***

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com except where otherwise noted

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (hardcopy and Kindle).

REFERENCE

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-sanders-projected-to-win-new-hampshire-primary/ar-BBpibN5?ocid=spartandhp

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/new-hampshire-trump-repeats-insult-from-crowd-member-calling-cruz-a-p/ar-BBphoep?ocid=spartandhp

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/10/us/politics/new-hampshire-voters.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=a-lede-package-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news&_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/09/opinion/i-miss-barack-obama.html?action=click&contentCollection=Politics&module=MostPopularFB&version=Full&region=Marginalia&src=me&pgtype=article

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/wp/2016/02/09/trumps-insult-against-cruz-isnt-as-vulgar-as-trump-himself/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-d%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY . . .

Do you know what I discovered this week? It is easier to go crazy than I thought. All it takes are a few people to check their good character at the door when interacting with you as a trusting human being and “BAM!” there you have it—their actions have the ability to tip you over the edge, and before you know it, you’re nuttier than a fruit cake. Recently I started hearing voices in my head and thought I might be losing my mind when I couldn’t stop a familiar tune from my children’s childhood from coursing through my brain on a nonstop loop:

I am slowly going crazy

1-2-3-4-5-6- switch.

Crazy going slowly am I

6-5-4-3-2-1 switch.

(Repeat, faster each time!)

That incessant children’s song from Sharon, Lois & Bram’s “The Elephant Show,” the popular children’s’ entertainers from 1980, popped into my head about a week ago at the intersection of one house selling, one house buying, one blog neglecting, one yearly physical taking, and one book launching. At two o’clock in the morning, during a sleepless night of tossing and turning at the overwhelming magnitude of it all, this song became my unwelcome mantra.

The next day my six-year-old grandson called and asked if I would engage in a treasure hunt to help find his favorite toys the next time I came to visit.  Apparently, they had all gone missing. Feeling like I was walking into a trap, I cautiously asked him what had happened to his favorite toys.

BABY-BOY:         “She” took them from me and hid them in places where I can’t find them (how does she do that?), and she says I can’t get them back until Jesus returns.

MEMA:                  I take it that the “she” is your mommy—my daughter? Why did she take away your toys? “She” must have had a reason?

BABY-BOY:         There’s never a reason, Mema! She just likes to torture me, that’s all. I told you and Grandpa before that you have no idea what this woman does to me when you’re not around.

MEMA:                 Ha! I think I remember your mother saying the same thing about me when she was your age.   I think it was either her or your aunt who angrily said to me (with fists firmly planted on hips) when I confiscated their toys for misbehaving one day, “Does our father know what goes on around this place when he’s not here? Does he know how you treat us? ‘Cause we’re gonna’ tell him as soon as he gets home and boy will you be in trouble.”

BABY-BOY:        What did you say, Mema?

MEMA:                I told your mother and her sister to knock themselves out—tell the entire neighborhood if they wanted to—and then I took two more toys away for sassing me!

BABY-BOY:        Oh, Man!

MEMA:                Put your mother on the phone, please.

Cartoon used by permission: Larry Wright, www.cagleCartoons.com

MEMA:                You heard?

SHE:                    Yeah, I heard, and I hope you realize your grandson is full of crap.

MEMA:                Well, I had your back—I took your side of things, Mommy. But just between you and me, whatever my precious boy did, it can’t be all that bad that you would confiscate his toys until the end of time, Honey. Isn’t that a little bit excessive? Don’t forget that the punishment has to fit the crime.

SHE:                    Oh, please! Who is this woman talking to me, and what have you done with my mother? You invented tough love. If I had done what your grandson did, you would have not only banished all my toys to the fiery abyss, but you would have torn up my behind, and Dad would have supported your decision and spanked me again when he got home.

MEMA:                Surely, you exaggerate. What did my angel do?

SHE:                    When I went to volunteer at his school last week, a gaggle of 5-year-olds were lined up in the hallway in front of the principal who looked as if he was going to have an apoplectic fit. Bags of potato chips, candy bars, and packages of cookies were stuffed in their underpants, up their coat sleeves, under their hats, and down their shirts and blouses.   A select group of kindergarteners who participate in the afterschool program had “bumped” off the snack cart in the kindergarten room and were acting as mules to transfer and distribute their contraband to the attendees in the afterschool session.

Cartoonist: Hank Ketcham (March 14, 1920 – June 1, 2001)

MEMA:                What does that have to do with my precious grandson? He is six years old (my little cherub) and in first grade. Was he in the line up? Does Principal Chen have any evidence against him? I would demand proof. You know how hard it is out there for a Black man. Whitey’s always tryin’ to keep the Black man down.

SHE:                    Oh, for God’s sake, Mother. Principal Chen is Chinese! You are incorrigible. Our little terror was nowhere to be found near the scene of the crime. He’s much too slick to get caught. But someone squealed. I think it was your grandson’s arch nemesis—the little redheaded girl who tattles on everybody and who thinks she’s the boss of the universe. Once the “intel” came in, it soon became apparent under intense interrogation by Principal Chen that their ring leader—the one who had organized the robbery, the one who had handpicked the gang, the one who had devised the hiding places, the one who had the primary motive—was none other than your grandson. And to make matters worse, he was skimming off the top. He was getting a payout of two bags of chips, one candy bar, and a bag of cookies once his “gang” crossed over the state line from the kindergarten class to the afterschool program in the gym.

MEMA:                Ha! I love it—reminds me of you when you were that age. (Payback is a bitch, ain’t it?) Hee, hee . . . that’s my boy! He’s an entrepreneurial genius, don’t you think?

SHE:                    Mother!! Cut it out! This is not funny! Stop being a starry-eyed grandmother and become the mother that would have torn up my chubby ass over this type of misbehavior. In fact, if you think losing his toys “forever” is excessive, wait until you hear part two of the punishment. He is going to use his money that he was saving for more Legos and games to restock the snack cart. “If you fuck up, you need to own up”—isn’t that what you used to tell me?

MEMA:                Well, I didn’t say it quite like that . . . but you’re right, Honey.   I’ll be serious. How did the “just barely out of diapers gang” get caught? And why did baby-boy organize a raid on the Kindergarten snack cart? He knows better than to steal other people’s shit.

SHE:                     First of all, he didn’t fess up right away. He lied which made the crime more egregious. I had to threaten to cancel a decade of Christmases before he finally admitted his involvement. He says that the after-school teacher never gives them enough snacks, and they are all starving when they arrive at 4:00. He asked the teacher to give them extra snacks, but the teacher refused, so your grandson took matters into his own hands. The only problem is that he and his “gang of kindergarten misfits” did not think through their life of crime. No one stopped to think that maybe—just maybe—their bodies making crunching sounds as they walked to the gym or looking like they’d gained twenty pounds in their five-year-old mid-sections and in their arms would be noticed by the passing adults. And absolutely none of these “hoodlums in training” thought through what would happen to the contraband when they started playing basketball. Packages of cookies, chips, and candy started leaking out of the bottom of pants, exploding out of tops of shirts, and flying out from under hats as the kids got caught up in playing. I was so upset when I found out my son—YOUR GRANDSON—was the ring leader, I almost had a heart attack. When I asked him what possessed him to do such a thing, he said: “I don’t know. I guess I must have forgotten to take my good character to school that day.”

Cartoonist Bill Waterson—Calvin and Hobbes

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In the meantime, I am discovering that one can run into adults—people who should know better—who forget to take their “good character” to school, work, church, and play in our everyday lives, and it can drive the recipient of their misguided choices f’ing crazy. This week I had a realtor show my house, leave the door wide open with the key in the lock and the lock box open and then left and went on her merry way. She did not leave a card behind, so if I had been burglarized or vandalized (I had a premonition to return home early—thank God!), I would not have known who had left my home so vulnerable. Fortunately, I’m not an idiot, and with a little Google snooping I found out everything about where she worked and who she worked for. I waited three days to see if she would “own her fuck-up” and apologize to my husband and me personally once I had notified our agent about this person’s unprofessional and disturbing behavior. (Apparently, she brought her baby along to show my house, had to change the kid’s diaper, and got distracted.) It took me writing to her superiors and demanding she be kept from entering my home ever again to get a personal written apology from her through my agent. (UPDATE: I met the agent who went out of her way to make amends for her actions.  She is a lovely woman; she found her character and profusely repented; we hugged, I forgave, and all is well.  This is the way the world should work.)

On another front, I had a doctor lie to me by telling me that I couldn’t request a copy of my medical records when I move, when all it took was a 10-second Google search to discover that it is against the HIPPA law for a doctor to deny a patient access to their records.

And then there are the riots in Baltimore. I get the grief and the anger, but the people looting weren’t the friends and relatives at the funeral of Freddie Gray who pleaded for peace in his memory. The hard-working people who live and work in those neighborhoods are seeing their homes and businesses destroyed by lowlifes who can’t even spell the word “character,” let alone possess any.

People who leave home without their good character make life so exhausting and cause all good people everywhere to go absolutely cray-cray—“Crazy going slowly am I—6-5-4-3-2-1 switch.” (Repeat, faster each time!)

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INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ON GOOD CHARACTER

“As a parent, you have to figure out how to shape your kid’s character. You want to have human beings who learn about good character. You have to be able to see your child with clarity, see the good side and the bad side of them, and work on the bad side and make them better so they fulfill their potential.”—Joan Cusack

“Good character is not formed in a week or a month. It is created little by little, day by day. Protracted and patient effort is needed to develop good character.”—Heraclitus

“The notion that public service requires men and women of good character now seems quaint.”—Elliott Abrams

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”—John Wooden

QUOTES COURTESY www.brainyquote.com

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GUESS WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MY SECOND BOOK, FLEEING OZ?

FLEEING OZ LAUNCH DATE—MID-MAY!

A PEEK AT THE EARLY MARKETING SCRIPT FOR FLEEING OZ:

“From her early days as an African-American girl living on a cult-like communal farm with a bunch of white kids, to her final escape from organized religion right before Barack Obama’s election in 2008, Tomczyk tells her story with grace. Far from cruel or mocking, Tomczyk resists the temptation to do unto others as they have done unto her, choosing instead to use humor where others might use hate.

“An edgy coming-of-age tale about a baby boomer who wants to follow God without getting crushed by God’s people in the process, Fleeing Oz will cause anyone who’s ever struggled with faith, doubt, and disillusionment to stand up and say ‘amen.’”

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WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

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