CHEETO-WATCH TIMES DISPATCH (Tomczyk Satirical Report)—Snapshots of multitudinous celebrations were noted in the various local nationwide Democratic Party Headquarters after the recent election results. There were none more riotous than in Virginia and Kentucky because turning Virginia Blue—winning full control of the legislature—for the first time in a generation, and Kentucky electing a Dem for Governor were major repudiations of Donald Trump. Pink Pussy Hats donned pants suits and doused each other in pink champagne across the nation while they partied until the cows came home over the headway Dems had made.
“Virginia is ruined!” cried a White female Republican voter from Richmond, Virginia. “Those damn liberal women in the Northern burbs have destroyed our heritage,” screamed a White Republican male voter from Toano, Virginia on the 6:00 News. “Now those god-damn feminists will be the reason the Virginia State government will be able to take down our Confederate statues, bury the Lost Cause, take away our guns, make Virginia the state that ratifies that f’ing Equal Rights Amendment, and be why Trump gets dumped, god-damnit!”
White House sources say President Trump had a full-on panic attack after the election results, and even Trump’s spiritual adviser (Pastor Paula White who is now part of the White House staff) couldn’t calm him down. The best she could do was to try and conjure up God’s wrath on the Pink Pussy Hat feminists. However, to this reporter’s knowledge, not one Pussy Hat feminist had been struck by lightning from God yet, causing some to suspect that Jesus might be a member of Pantsuit Nation and Paula White might be a false prophet.
This reporter did stumble upon some coffee chats and a Democratic prayer group who weren’t letting the election victories in Virginia and Kentucky go to their heads. At the local coffee shop the suburban moms’ moods were somber and their tones were hushed as they spoke of the future that would affect their children.
One of the mothers was particularly vocal about her fears. “According to a recent poll, we are some of the 67% of Democrats who are extremely anxious about the future,” said Sally Morrison. “We think that in spite of these recent electoral victories, that asshole (excuse my French) is going to win a second term,” declared Sally’s long-time friend, Miriam Wallis.
“Did you read the headline of the Independent?” said Maxine Gilman. “It said, ‘Trump on course to win in 2020, according to polling models that have only been wrong once,’” sobbed Maxine. “What good will it do,” she cried, “if we win the battles but not the war?”
“TURN OUT THE VOTE IN 2020!” chanted Diane Smith. “We have to flood the polls next year as if our children’s lives depended on it—which they do. If we have to, we need to wake the dead and carry them to the polls on our backs,” said Ms. Smith. “Other than that, I’m banking on getting Trump’s ass impeached.”
“Girl, don’t you realize the House of Reps can impeach Trump’s sorry behind and the gonad-challenged Senate Republicans won’t rule on it. It doesn’t matter what President Cheeto does, the Senate will never find his actions impeachable,” said Sally Morrison. “He’s absolutely deplorable—the entire world knows it and the Repubs know it, too!”
This reporter stopped by the African-American First Saints A.M.E church in Louisville to interview some of the parishioners after Wednesday night Bible study. Mr. and Mrs. Archie Stapleton were quick to chime in about the election results. “I couldn’t be happier about the way Trump got handed his ass in the Kentucky and Virginia races,” said Mr. Stapleton. “I was born and raised in Kentucky and Bevin had pissed off most folks here except the so called pro-lifers. He thought if he declared himself a ‘Christian,’ waved the pro-life flag, and turned himself into a Trump mini-me, he could treat people as if they was dirt—especially our teachers. Well, the teachers schooled him. There you have it (so-called Christian), ex-Governor Bevin—don’t let the Devil’s tail smack you upside your head when you walk into Hell, I say!”
“Now Archie, that ain’t no way to talk standin’ inside the Lawd’s house,” said Mary Stapleton. “I’m excited about the victories, but I’m a bit nervous about the Black vote bein’ syphoned off. Did you read how Trump went down to Atlanta and launched some Black voter initiative talkin’ about, ‘What have you got to lose votin’ for me?’ Well, I tell you what Black folks got to lose: our souls! Yes, indeed, sweet Jesus.”
Sister Cynthia, the church’s head deaconess, had been listening to the conversation and shaking her head in agreement. “To tell you the truth, I’m real concerned about our babies. Us old folks know in our bones that Biden is the only one who can beat Trump, but the younger generation ain’t got nothin’ to do with him. My thirty-year-old daughter called me the other day to summarily let me know that she and her generation was not feelin’ Joe Biden. She ask me, what did Biden ever do except be Obama’s wing man? So, I said, ain’t that enough? (Thinkin’ to myself, I ain’t never seen no White man play second fiddle to a Black man in all my born days until Barack became president, so that has to amount to somethin’.) Then my daughter said, she didn’t mean no disrespect, but we old folks are leavin’ them a pretty messed up world, and her generation wasn’t fixin’ to elect an ol’ man with old ideas who’d probably die on his way to his old-fashioned inauguration day. (Y’all know that chil’ of mine always did have a mouth on her.)”
“Well, yo’ chil’ may be onto somethin’, Sister Cynthia,” said Archie Stapleton. Biden’s just not doin’ well…I knew when his answer to improving the lives of Black children was for them to listen to the record player at night, and he messed up his text number with his email address, or some such mess, that my children were gonna tune him right out. Now he’s in fourth place lookin’ like he’s got one foot in the grave and Warren is beatin’ him like a drum! I’ll still vote for him, but the children have got a point, Sister Cynthia.”
One of the other parishioners passing by the group mumbled that it was going to be a long, long year until November 2020, and if we were all lucky maybe Jesus would come back before then and put us out of our misery.
In this reporter’s humble opinion, maybe we ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
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