Where is the love? That’s what I keep singing to myself as I read the news every day. And I’m not wasting my breath on the soft R&B Donny Hathaway/Roberta Flack version—my voice is stripping the paint off the walls with the Black Eyed Peas version:
What’s wrong with the world, mama
People livin’ like they ain’t got no mamas
I think the whole world’s addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that’ll bring you trauma…
Where is the love?
As a Christian, I am particularly horrified by the lack of love demonstrated by the MAGA “so-called” Christians. To me Jesus is love. Period. To me treating others as I wish to be treated is the answer. Period. To me love wins. Period. But as I was musing over the loveless actions by so many people who should know better, I wondered if there was more behind their failure to love as Jesus commanded—maybe a hidden conspiracy to eradicate love altogether from the American soil. Maybe the MAGA Christians are being trolled by a Wormwood demon like the one in C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters. As I meditated on the greatest definition of love between humans in the Bible (I Corinthians 13), I imagined correspondence between two demon-like women (Maggot Girl and her aunt, Scorched Earth)* who have been assigned by the Father of Lies (Devil, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Satan, Sneaky Snake…whatever you call evil) to turn the MAGA Christians into instruments of lying, deceiving, manipulating, self-centered godless creatures bent on erasing love and truth from the country that Ronald Reagan once claimed was the “shining city on a hill” to the rest of the world.
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” (I Corinthians 13:1)
Dear Maggot Girl: It was such a delight to receive your correspondence regarding the inroads you’ve made with the MAGA crowd in having them turn our enemy’s name and purpose into a used diaper. I tell you, that was a stroke of genius encouraging them to carry “Jesus Saves” signs and crosses when they stormed the Capitol on January 6th. Was that your idea to have a couple of them pray and ask him to bless their insurrection in support of a huge lie? Brilliant! I bet “you know who” wept when he saw that. Also, I must say that I admire the loveless touch of the MAGA peeps refusing to take the Covid vaccine even though their Orange Idol facilitated the rapid making of it. Continue to blind them to the fact that the vaccine is not for them—it’s an act of love so that the people they come in contact with (their families, neighbors, and countrymen) don’t get Covid-19. Keep up the good work, dear niece. You are a chip off the old block, and I couldn’t be prouder of you.
Aunt Scorched Earth
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” (I Corinthians 13:6)
Dear Maggot Girl: I got your update on the continued indoctrination from Hell’s news channel—Fox News. Their continued obfuscation of the “truth” by refusing to report it, and their ginning up of faux outrage over silliness instead is just fabulous! Don’t you just love their new slogan: “Most Watched, Most Trusted”? Even the most ardent Fox fan had to know that their old slogan—“Fair and Balanced”—was a farce. But it served our master’s purpose because it got the MAGA crowd to swallow the lies from Hell hook, line, and sinker. Did I tell you that I had lunch with Roger Ailes the other day? He has one of the primo suites in Hell with a view overlooking the fiery lake. It was such an honor. I don’t know if it was the 20th or the 23rd sexual harassment assault that earned him such a nice location down here, but I am telling you, I was positively jealous. Of course, I kept my distance from him. I’m no fool, no siree! He’s a little too gross, even for me. Stay focused, my Munchkin. Looking forward to your next report.
Aunt Scorched Earth
“Love always protects…” (I Corinthians 13:7)
Dear Maggot Girl: I was so relieved to learn from your latest report that you were able to escape any entanglement with Rep. Matt Gaetz. Given your tender age, I must say I was very concerned for your safety, but your assignment to pervert the meaning of love through a “Christian” vessel was too delicious to pass up. Did I read in one of your previous reports that Gaetz once boasted (and I quote), “I was saved in a Baptist Church during my teenage years. I am a member of First Baptist Church in Fort Walton Beach. The Bible, the Gospel—these are our instructions from God. We are to follow faithfully”? Woe, baby! That hypocrisy is damn good—highest level stuff. Keep up the good work, my Liebchen!
Aunt Scorched Earth
“If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” (I Corinthians 13:2)
Dear Maggot Girl: Your reports of your influence on the shootings of eight people (six of them Asian) in Atlanta by that kid from an uber-strict Christian family were breathtaking. Am I to understand that the young assassin’s Instagram bio once boasted the following tagline about himself: “Pizza, guns, drums, music, family, and God. It’s a pretty good life”? Our Father of Lies has been masterful in perverting normal sexual urges in Christian kids during their teen years into shame through their parents and holier than thou churches’ misinterpretation of the Bible regarding sexuality. Consequently, they either become sexually repressed or sexually obsessed to the point of being sexually possessed—overwhelming their abilities to have normal sex lives in their adult years. A couple of quotes were very insightful in your report from The Washington Post: “A Neighbor said, ‘the family came across as a good Christian family,’” and “the assassin’s roommate said: ‘He was militant about it (suppressing his sexual urges) …this was the kind of guy who would hate himself for masturbating, would consider that a relapse.’” He, he, he! Heaven must be in mourning over this. The people who should have been vessels of love bombed on three levels. The Christian young man racially blamed Asian massage parlors for his “spiritual” failures and slaughtered them, his mother and father blamed the son for their lack of teaching healthy sexuality to him as a child and rejected him, and then his church summarily abandoned him—in the name of the God of love—in his hour of dire need. (If one can’t have the love of one’s church family when one has committed the most heinous of crimes, when in the hell does one ever need a God of redemption?) I almost feel sorry for our enemy, the God of love. His “love wins” campaign on the Earth is in shambles. Eye-opening stuff, my favorite demon recruit.
Aunt Scorched Earth
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” (I Corinthians 13:4)
“Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (I Corinthians 13:5)
“If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.” (I Corinthians 13:3)
“Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” (I Corinthians 13:8)
Dear Maggot Girl: I just love your generation’s use of technology. Your reports on the influence you’ve had in fomenting lies into MAGA Evangelical minds are phenomenal. The Big Lie that the election was stolen is a classic and will go down in devil history as a guide to “how to hijack love through the use of subterfuge”. But the Great Lie that Trump is Jesus’ main squeeze sent to Earth to do his bidding is priceless! In my day, all we had to booster the Emperor of Hell’s lies was Fox News and a couple back-alley internet trolls, like Alex Jones. However, your ability to recruit Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter (oh, my devil, has that been a goldmine!) to foster Satan’s lies against love has been incredible. Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Until we see each other again, I remain…
Your Aunt Scorched Earth
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (I Corinthians 13:13)
My Dearest Maggot Girl: As soon as you can, come on down home for a well-deserved vacation and for a special ceremony in your honor. I’m supposed to keep it a surprise, but you are being given a special commendation for your work in thwarting love on Earth in the great territory of America. The Emperor of Evil told me himself how proud he is of you. Due to your influence in turning love to hate in the hearts of so many Christians, racism is in full bloom in America. His Majesty the Devil has always known there was one tool in his enemy’s tool chest that he, the Dark Lord, couldn’t beat in capturing the souls of men, and that was love. But now that the MAGA Evangelicals have chosen to betray their master in heaven, forsaking love for power, and embracing lies and conspiracy theories for truth, we are definitely on a roll my Wart Pimple. See you soon. I can hardly wait to celebrate your triumph with a cup of witches’ brew. Do you still remember the 23 ingredients of that delicious expensive potion: “a toad, a slice of swamp snake, a newt’s eye, a frog’s tongue, a bat’s fur, a dog’s tongue, a black snake’s forked tongue, a burrowing worm’s stinger, a lizard’s leg, an owl’s wing, a scale of dragon, a wolf’s tooth, a witch’s mummified flesh, the gullet and stomach of a ravenous shark, a root of hemlock (a very poisonous plant) that was dug up in the dark, a liver of a Christian who is not baptized, a goat’s bile, slips of pine trees, a Turk’s nose, a Tartar’s lips, finger of a baby that was born dead by a prostitute, a tiger’s gut and a baboon’s blood.” Hum…yum! (At least that is what “Aslan” from Facebook claims who stole it from Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Consider the source. Given that I found it on FB, it could all be a lie.) In any case, we’ll have some sort of celebratory brew to toast your triumphs against love. I’ve been saving a bottle of champagne from the 1600s invented by that nasty monk, Dom Perignon for just such an occasion. Safe travels, Baby Soul Eater.
Your Aunt Scorched Earth
*With apologies to the great C.S. Lewis and his brilliant satirical work, The Screwtape Letters.
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
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