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MOTHER-OF-THE-BRIDE MINDFULNESS

Do you know what I discovered this week?  In a little over a month’s time, I will turn seventy years old.  (Say what?!) I know—how the hell did I end up here?  Friends of long ago are beginning to die off, hip and knee replacements are de rigueur among my set, and most women my age and older would like to strangle the man who discovered Viagra because we all thought “The War Against our Dry Desert Nether Regions” would end in our septuagenarian years (original joke tribute to the great Robin Williams—God rest his soul).  I’m not sayin’ me and my man are there yet; I’m just sayin’ what the 70 plus sistas are confessing to me after a couple glasses of wine.

Anyway, my life is slip-sliding away and what consumes my waking hours?  Donald Trump.  No, that’s not completely true.  What is consuming me is the way certain factors of the Christian church (Evangelical Right-Wing Christians) have gone all in for this devil and placed him at the right hand of God—just a little lower than Jesus Christ as they daily shout: “Trumpee,  Trumpee, you’re our man—if you can’t save us, no one can.”

Evangelical worship Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley The Salt Lake-Tribune, UT

They seem willing to excuse any egregious behavior on Trump’s part, assuring that his base will keep him in political power for the long haul rather than call him into accountability.  In the meantime, I keep watch and pray that God will save us—deliver us from this man and his minions.  But it is beginning to dawn on me that, like all the other times the Christian church has been on the wrong side of history (Crusades, pogroms, slavery, Civil War, segregation, Nazism, Apartheid, Jim Crow, Rock-and-Roll, and Elvis Presley), God is on holiday and this is not going to end soon—or well—because Evangelical Right-Wing Christians wouldn’t know the real Jesus if he came back and shared a fish sandwich with them by the River Jordan.

Evangelicals 1 Bob Englehart Middletown CT

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, Middletown, CT

In the meantime, the chaos caused by our Liar in Chief (2000 false or misleading statement in first 355 days in office according to the Washington Post) consumes my every waking moment.  It does so because I’m addicted to the news.  I claim it is because I need to keep in the “know” in order to write my blog.  In reality, I’m trying to maintain control by looking for the moment my fellow believers “get woke” and do the right thing by abandoning the Trump ship. Unfortunately, this is not a Hollywood movie, so my chances of seeing an immediate and conclusive happy ending is pretty nil, and I’m not getting any younger.

Therefore, I’ve put myself on a news “diet.”  (I know I’ve said this before, but this time I mean it!)  I’ve relegated the news to an hour or so via the TV in the morning to catch the headlines, and then I’m done.  (Have you ever noticed how the news keeps featuring the same headlines all the damn day long while coupling them with the reporters’ conjectures and fears, which causes me such anxiety that it gives me endless heart palpitations?)  If anything happens after my morning download, I’m sure I’ll hear about it eventually because “good news can wait; bad news will refuse to leave.”  I need to do this because my obsession with the sell-out of my faith is causing me too much anxiety and I’m missing the best parts of my life while inching closer to the grave every day.  I keep waiting for God to show up, but the dude really seems to be on vacation in a universe far, far away.

I’m returning to meditation (5 to 10 minutes a day) and I’m turning my heart, soul, and mind to the family event that deserves all my Trump-free attention:  Baby-girl is getting married this summer!  I want to live in every minute of this momentous occasion because who knows how long I get to hold onto my short-term memory as I start the slip-n-slide into the grave (May it not be anytime soon, thank you Jesus, hallelujah, amen).  I already know I’m going to be an emotional wreck at the wedding, so I need to put plans into gear that will help me absorb everything about the occasion.

MOTHER OF THE BRIDE CRYING

Cafepress.com/funny wedding invitations

First and foremost, my mother-of-the-bride dress is being made next month (it was supposed to be constructed in May, but I put it off another month), and I’ve been so focused on the stupidity happening with Trump and my sell-out fellow Christians that I’ve fallen well behind my weight-loss goals.  So I added kettle bell weight lifting (a form of torture invented by the Russians in 1704) right after my daily meditation to hasten my slenderizing quest.  I just started the kettle bells and I will not tell a lie:  it is not going well.  At each session, I start out with the best intentions but half-way through I lose interest or energy, and I don’t know why.  Wanting to live in the moment and keep it 100%, I decided to record my sessions so that I could analyze them and course-correct myself.  I exercise along with a DVD that is headlined by a seven-foot Nordic blond bimbo who doesn’t have a fat cell in her DNA, but I keep telling myself if I just keep on keeping on, I’ll look like her in time enough for the wedding this summer.  I refuse to be a fat mother-of-the bride. Below is a transcript of what I recorded—maybe you can figure out where I’m going wrong.

BIMBO:  Let’s get started with some basic warm ups. Suck in that core; tuck in that butt, and let’s get this party started!

ME:  Bimbo-lady, I am ready to do this thing.  I relegated Morning Joe to one hour—tops.  I’ve meditated on all my blessings for ten minutes, and I’m going to call Baby-girl later today to find out how her wedding dress fitting went so we can savor that moment together.

BIMBO:  Alrighty then…Lift up your smaller kettle bell and swing.  Squeeze that booty.  Lift those knees!  PUSH IT!  Count of sixteen, then eight, then four.  Now repeat!

ME:  Ah, excuse me…Bimbo lady, I hear a “ping” on my cell phone.  Could be my grandson.  Maybe it’s an emergency.  Let me put you on pause for a moment.  I’ll get right back to you ASAP—I promise.  What’s this?  It’s not my grandson…it’s a news alert:  EVANGELICALS STUBBORNLY CLINGING TO SUPPORT OF TRUMP WHILE WALKING A TIGHT ROPE OVER THE FLAMES OF HELL.

Evangelicals John Cole PoliticalCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, PoliticalCartoons.com

ME:  Sorry, Bimbo-lady, it won’t happen again.  I’ll try to concentrate.  I really did think it was an emergency message from my darling boy.

BIMBO:  Let’s pick up our heavier weight and start to swing between our legs and up over our heads.  This should feel really good right now, so let’s go for broke.  JUMPT IT! MOVE IT! GET THAT BODY MOVING!!

ME:  (God, this feels like torture.  Help me, Jesus!)

BIMBO:  Don’t give up on me now.  Up and down—down and up. The lower you go, the more muscle you’re building, and the more calories you’re burning.  Swing from the hips.  How low can you go?  Squat that butt—squeeze those glutes.  MOVE THOSE HIPS, PEOPLE!

ME:  [Gasping for air] Wait a minute, Bimbo lady.  I heard another “ping” on my phone.  This could be one of my kids needing my sage advice.  Let me put you on hold.  Oh, noooo!  It’s another news flash:  KANYE WEST OPENLY DECLARES HIS LUST FOR DONALD TRUMP—SAYS TRUMP IS WORTH LOSING HIS SOUL TO DO SO.  UPDATE TO FOLLOW AS WE GATHER MORE DETAILS OF A BLACK MAN GOING ROGUE.

Kanye West Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle GA

Cartoon used by permission:  Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle, GA

ME:  Sorry, Bimbo-lady.  It won’t happen again.

BIMBO:  Are you slouching those shoulders?  How low can you go?  Don’t quit on me now.  4 more, 3 more, 2 more, 1 more…This feels soooo good, doesn’t it?  LET’S GO AGAIN!  I COULD DO THIS ALLLLLLL DAY!

ME:  Shit! Uh, maybe I’ll see you tomorrow Bimbo-lady.  I just got a Charlie-horse in my ass from the last squat. I think I’ll crawl over into a corner and meditate some more or maybe grab a snack if I can ever walk again.

Living in the Moment FB

Courtesy of the FB page of Melanie Mayo-Laakso

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ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering that I need to turn off the news notifications on my phone as well as the TV because just when I think I’ve gotten out of the news madness and calmed my mind, those phone “pings” suck me right back in.  We are in our current national madness for the long-haul with all of its chaos, lies, and delusional Christian sycophants.  I fear that there are no easy solutions, no instant answers, and no quick comebacks.  This is a war that will leave our country damaged for a very, very long time, and me constantly, maniacally obsessing over that fact isn’t going to heal us any sooner or make it go away any faster.  I’m finally waking up to that fact.  In the meantime, how then shall I live:  purposefully, with deep gratitude for all the goodness that I do have in the moment—savoring that time before it too will be snatched away by death.  Just because I’m living in the moment though, I while never cease to fight the good fight.  The issue is knowing when, where, and how to fight that war, because there is a time and a season for everything, and the current season for me is to relish in the preparation and celebration of joining my family with another incredible family through the sacrament of marriage.

“There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance…

ECCLESIASTES 3:1-4

TRUMP AND THE WORLD’S MADNESS CAN WAIT BECAUSE NOW IS THE “TIME” FOR A WEDDING IN THE TOMCZYK HOUSEHOLD.

Wedding is coming meme

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INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ON MINDFULNESS

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness.”Jon Kabat-Zinn

“The present moment is the only time over which we have dominion.”Thích Nhất Hạnh

“Mindfulness isn’t difficult, we just need to remember to do it.” Sharon Salzberg

 “The way to live in the present is to remember that ‘This too shall pass.’ When you experience joy, remembering that ‘This too shall pass’ helps you savor the here and now. When you experience pain and sorrow, remembering that ‘This too shall pass’ reminds you that grief, like joy, is only temporary.”

– Joey Green

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THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK:  “The Fetus Chronicles:  Podcasts From my Miseducated Self” is on sale now at Amazon!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

 WANT TO HEAR THE AUTHOR’S LATEST INTERVIEW?  Check out the podcast interview with Leo Brown: http://breadboxmedia.podbean.com/e/what-if-it-is-true-can-you-find-faith-in-darkness/

REFERENCES

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/01/04/575167967/meditation-for-fidgety-skeptics-offers-practical-advice-for-stressed-out-cynics

https://www.brookings.edu/blog/fixgov/2018/04/13/trumps-lies-corrode-democracy/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on April 29, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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DEAR HEATHENS: RUN!

Satire

Do you know what I discovered AGAIN this week?  If I weren’t already a Christian, I wouldn’t become one now. I just finished reading all the Christian apologetics for Trump’s latest escapade:  allegedly paid the porn star, Stormy Daniels (real name Stephanie Clifford) $130,000 to keep quiet about sex that he had with her right after his third wife gave birth to his fifth child. Also, allegedly Trump was really hot to trot, because a woman by the name of Alana Evans claims horny-toad Trump and his porn star tried to coerce her into a threesome with them.  Not to mention that there are at least 30 women who have accused our “Dear Leader” of groping, fondling, and forcibly kissing him (while he was married) on top of his gleeful boasting of having an MO of grabbing women by the “kitty-cat.”  (Can you imagine if Barack Obama had been accused of doing 1/100th of what Trump has done?  He would have been tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail, and we would have never seen him again.)

Porn Star III Bob Englehart CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com

And what did Tony Perkins, that holier-than-thou Christian leader of the Family Research Council (that standard bearer of “Christian values”) say in response (after years of questioning Obama’s Christianity and his citizenship):

“We kind of gave him [Trump]—‘All right, you get a mulligan. You get a do-over here.’ … [Evangelicals] were tired of being kicked around by Barack Obama and his leftists. And I think they are finally glad that there’s somebody on the playground that is willing to punch the bully.”

In the words of the old Negro spiritual, I just found a whole “lot of folks talkin’ ‘bout Heaven, ain’t goin’ there!”

The Religious Right Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

I’m done trying to figure out why the Religious Right (80% of White Evangelicals voted for Trump, make up the majority of his base, and are sticking by him) can’t see through Trump’s lies, cheating, perversity, racism, and ignorance.  I agree with Michael Steele, the former Chair of the RNC and a devout Catholic (he almost became a priest in his youth):

“I have a very simple admonition at this point [to Evangelical Leaders]: Just shut the hell up and don’t ever preach to me about anything ever again. I don’t want to hear it.  After telling me how to live my life, who to love, what to believe, what not to believe, what to do and what not to do, and now you sit back and the prostitutes don’t matter? The grabbing of the you-know-what doesn’t matter? The outright behavior and lies don’t matter? Just shut up.”

I long ago decided to “get out” of this tribe for the same reason as Steele, but this week I concluded that I needed to warn my Heathen brothers and sisters to steer clear of the Conservative Evangelical zombies before their brains are sucked out, their hearts are compromised, and their Bible becomes Fox News.  Below is the open letter that I plan to send throughout the land to all those who might live by, work with, or be related to Trump Evangelicals.

Religous Right FB Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

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OPEN LETTER TO MY HEATHEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS

My Dear Precious Heathens:

My name is Eleanor T, and I used to be a unicorn among White Evangelicals:  a Black Evangelical in predominantly White churches (thus instantly assuring their lack of racial bias—not!) who made it my raison d’etre to make sure your “rotten little heathen hearts” were witnessed to, saved, baptized in the name of Jesus, and delivered (“Thank you, Jesus!”) of your sinful ways.  What were those sinful ways, you ask?  The top three Conservative Evangelical biggies:  being supportive of women’s reproductive rights, being gay or lesbian (“Lord, have mercy”), or being politically tied to anything but the Republican agenda.  Did you see the movie, “Get Out” by Jordan Peele?   Well, I had my own “Get Out” moment from the Evangelical movement in 2008 (check out my book, Fleeing Oz if you want to know the harrowing details—I barely made it out with my sanity).   Because I’ve been there and know what goes on in their secret societies (their churches), my precious Heathens, I have one thing to say:  “Get out, cause you in trouble, Babies!”

Let it be known, that this shit that’s going down in the name of Jesus ain’t got nothin’ to do with the love of God.

Conservatives and the Devil Milt Priggee www miltpriggee com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com

I know that you have been harassed for years, maybe even decades, by self-righteous Evangelicals telling you how to live, who to love, how to dress, and what to do or not do.  They’ve tried to get into your bedrooms and by your deathbeds.  I’m sure you’ve been pummeled in the workplace, attacked in the grocery store parking lot by Born-Again tract-bearing soul winners, and befriended by people who were more interested in chipping off a notch on their “soul saved” stick than they were about truly getting to know you, and loving you for who you are.  I bet many of you have relatives who earnestly tell you every Thanksgiving how much they are praying for your dirty-rotten heathen souls in between the turkey dinner and the Fox News segments.  I used to know an Evangelical in a prominent position in a Fortune 500 company who, every time one of our lesbian executives passed by her desk, would hiss the proclamation:  “You’re going to Hell, Queer!”  This woman announced everyday how much people needed Jesus, how Jesus had sent her to that company to save multiple souls.  She never missed a Sunday church service, or a Wednesday night Bible study, and demanded everyone say Merry Christmas when they came into her presence during the winter holiday season.  When Barack Obama came along, this chick and most of the others that I knew became radicalized.  They were so sure that the Black man in the White house, with the Harvard education, the wife he adored and who adored him (first wife—not a second or third wife), the kids who were pure delights, and the eight-year scandal-free administration, were the workings of the Anti-Christ, that they lost their ever-loving minds.

Christian Radicalization Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

I’m writing you this letter, because someday you may go looking for God (no pressure), and I don’t want you to confuse what you see in Trump Evangelicals as the love of Jesus or the correct path to take.  I promise you, if we could see the face of Jesus right now, he’d be weeping.  Please note that there are many Christians (not as many as there should be, unfortunately) who wouldn’t be caught dead hanging with Trump or giving him a “mulligan” for his nasty-ass ways.  They are just being drowned out by these posers you see on Fox News.

So here’s what I need you to do:  Get as far away from these people and their churches, as possible.  Run! Flee! Hide! If you see one of them coming toward you, form the sign of the cross in front of them and yell, “Get behind me, Satan!”  (It might help to wear garlic around your neck, as well.  As for me, I’m investing in garlic necklaces and crushed garlic perfume—one can never be too careful among deranged fanatics.)

Don’t worry about pissing off these sold-out Evangelicals as it relates to your eternal standing—not to mention your calling on this Earth.  If Jesus loves you as much as he says he does, he’ll be sure to find you, and you’ll recognize him—by his love.

Hugs and Kisses,

Your Sister in the Resistance

Born Again Bill Schorr Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Bill Schorr, Cagle Cartoons

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT HYPOCRITICAL CHRISTIANS

“Scandal is saying one thing and doing another; it is a double life, a double life. A totally double life: ‘I am very Catholic, I always go to Mass, I belong to this association and that one; but my life is not Christian, I don’t pay my workers a just wage, I exploit people, I am dirty in my business, I launder money…’ A double life.”Pope Francis

“Donald Trump’s moral behavior is really – is really disgusting. It’s the antithesis of Christian values.  This is the worship of money and sex and power. Everyone struggles with – public figures struggle. They should struggle. There’s not even a struggle with this man. …this man’s destroying truth. This is an administration of perpetual, continual lying. So much is at stake for our faith and the soul of the nation. And how we respond as Christians has got to be more than the ends justify the means.”—Pastor Jim Wallis, President of Sojourners, and a Christian social justice activist

“Never in my lifetime have we had a @POTUS willing to take such a strong out-spoken stand for the Christian faith like @realDonaldTrump. We need to get behind him with our prayers.”—Franklin Graham, Evangelical preacher and son of Billy Graham

               …and one of the few sane-thinking Evangelicals responded:

“Such an uncritical, un-prophetic, and ungodly devotion to such a deeply ethically compromised president does call to mind the complicit church in 1930s Germany.”—Jim Wallis

Thank you Trump Supporters Bob Englehart CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons com

***

THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK:  “The Fetus Chronicles:  Podcasts From my Miseducated Self” is on sale now at Amazon!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

 WANT TO HEAR THE AUTHOR’S LATEST INTERVIEW?  Check out the podcast interview with Leo Brown: http://breadboxmedia.podbean.com/e/what-if-it-is-true-can-you-find-faith-in-darkness/

***

REFERENCES

https://www.npr.org/2017/12/03/568206452/evangelical-leaders-say-christians-who-support-trump-face-an-ethical-challenge

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/12/what-about-the-19-women-who-accused-trump/547724/

https://www.vox.com/identities/2018/1/23/16924546/evangelical-tony-perkins-trump-stormy-daniels-affair-mulligan

http://www.newsweek.com/trump-threesome-stormy-daniels-evans-789690

https://www.cnn.com/2017/12/11/politics/donald-trump-women-allegations/index.html

https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2018/01/23/tony-perkins-evangelicals-donald-trump-stormy-daniels-216498

https://www.thedailybeast.com/seth-meyers-rips-christian-right-for-forgiving-trump-on-stormy-daniels?ref=home

https://www.salon.com/2018/01/24/former-rnc-chairman-michael-steele-just-told-evangelicals-to-shut-up-on-live-tv/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on January 25, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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