Do you know what I discovered, recently? Mother Nature can’t make up her mind whether spring should come or winter should stay. I live in a golf community, and even though I’d personally prefer to knock myself unconscious with a five-iron rather than play a round of golf, I am feeling a bit sorry for my friends and neighbors who almost froze to death last week just trying to play nine holes. While they muttered and complained about the wind-chill factor, I turned back on the heat and the fireplace, and wrapped myself in a warm blanket with a mug of hot chocolate.
As I meditated on the concept of why any sane human being would ever want to hit a white ball with a clubbed stick in any type of weather, suddenly the sky grew dark and stormy, the heavens opened up, and rain with hail the size of peas on steroids began to assault my house and property while the trees bent so low, it looked as if they were trying to kiss the Earth. While I tried to determine whether I was in a tornado and should run down to the basement, a rabbit flew across my lawn (propelled by the wind) in search of shelter, but never managed to land on its feet. The hurricane-type winds pushed him down the hill at fifty miles an hour and out of sight. I’m pretty sure he didn’t survive, and I imagine his bunny ass is plastered against one of the trees in the forest behind my house. However, I’ll never know for sure because when I tried to find out what happened to him once the storm was over, a large snake slithered out of the forest towards me, and I ran back into the safety of my house, screaming: “Oh Hell to the no! Bunny. I like rabbits—being it’s near Easter and all—but tangling with a snake to save your sorry-ass is beyond the pale.” (Don’t you ever wonder why we don’t see more animals flying through the air when bad storms happen? Where do they go during hurricanes and tornados? What do they cling to when the winds are moving at a hundred miles an hour? I have a million squirrels on my property—why didn’t I see at least a half million of those soaring through the air?)
I took a nap, fully expecting to dream about that wind-kill-of-a-bunny, but instead I dreamt of the Easter Bunny. Only in my dream scenario, the Easter Bunny wasn’t being hammered by a winter/spring storm against a tree, he was in hiding in a giant cave with a gazillion eggs, hordes of Easter candy with a legion of reporters asking him how he’d lost his faith. I could see them, but they couldn’t see me. As I approached the scene, I heard the Easter Bunny say: “I quit, I quit I tell you! All you people from every country all over this planet are horrid creatures. There isn’t a country that I’ve visited where I haven’t been assaulted, attacked, and arrested. What am I guilty of? What did I ever do but bring happiness, sunshine, and color to your pathetic lives? And what do I get in return? War. Mayhem. Slaughter. Assault. Abuse. BUNNY LIVES—ESPECIALLY EASTER BUNNY LIVES—MATTER, YOU SONS-A-BITCHES!”
(News organizations represented: RNN=Real News Network, EBN=Easter Bunny News, MNBC=Mayhem Network Broadcasting Corporation, ETWN=End of the World Network)
RNN: Easter Bunny. We just got news via your Twitter account that you’re quitting the biz. What gives?
EASTER B: You—all of y’all. You’re the reason I’m quitting. The entire human race has gotten on my every last nerve. All my bunny partners are quitting, also. From here to China and back through Africa, we are hanging up our Easter baskets and taping down our ears. You beings could care less about Easter and what it stands for. The Bunny Times was delivered to me today, and I almost had a heart attack just getting through the first half-dozen headlines:
The Uranium Underworld: ISIS want a dirty bomb—and it knows where to get one
Famine now threatens more people than at any time since World War II
San Bernardino reels from elementary school shooting that left teacher, 8-year-old student dead
Charleston church shooter Dylann Roof pleads guilty in state court, avoids second death penalty trial
It Took Thieves 30 Seconds to Crash Truck Into Store, Grab Guns And Leave
Approaching “societal collapse”: New equation shows how quickly humans are wrecking the planet
Why the population of Easter Island really died out: Study finds arrival of Europeans brought disease that wiped out inhabitants
EASTER B: I’ve just been hiding out in this cave, getting drunk and sobbing myself to sleep. You people are some nasty-ass mammals. You destroy everything in your wake—from babies to the Earth’s atmosphere. No amount of Cadbury eggs and jelly beans can fix you. You’re broken, and I am at my wit’s end regarding how to fix you.
EBN: Easter Bunny, is it true that you were shot at in Alabama?
EASTER B: Shot at in Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Louisiana, South and North Carolina, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas, and of course Florida. Those goddamn “stand your ground laws” will be the death of me yet. What is it with you people and your love of guns? I’ve traveled through war zones and never been shot at as much as I have in the United States. Aren’t you people the ones who claim that the One who Easter is about is the One who loves your nation above all other nations? (It isn’t true, you know; I have it on great authority that my employer loves all peoples from all nations.) But my point is, show me the Bible verse where Jesus said, “I died on the cross so that you might have a life with guns and have guns more abundantly to shoot and kill anybody that looks at you sideways.”
MNBC: Mr. Bunny, people are saying that you’re exaggerating your plight because in reality you’re just getting too old for the job, but you don’t have the chutzpah to retire. Is it true? Aren’t you 500 years old?
EASTER B: Who is spreading those vicious lies? I’m not a day over 400! I’m as spry as the day I started when I used to be called “The Judge,” and I determined what children had been naughty or nice to leave candy for the nice ones. That is until that fat guy in the red suit took over my modus operandi.
ETWN: Sir, “End of the World Network” here. Is it true that you were on United Airlines flight 3411 at Chicago O’Hare International Airport and saw the entire scene go down when United brutalized the elderly Asian man and pulled him off the plane because they allegedly wanted to give his seat to a crew member? Are the stories we’ve been hearing true?
EASTER B: You’re damn straight the stories are true. Yes, I had just settled into my seat with my basket of goodies (Peeps, jelly beans, chocolate eggs—you name it) stowed overhead when the scene went down. It was just horrific, I tell you—disgusting! The poor man was bleeding and frightened. Children were crying, people were screaming for the United Airlines thugs to stop brutalizing that old man. (He’s a doctor, you know? I kept waiting for the stewardess to announce: “Is there a doctor on board to treat the passenger who we just beat the shit out of?” Then the guy could have raised his hand to treat himself and saved United some money, which seems to be all they care about these days. They certainly don’t care about their customers. Fly the friendly skies with United, my bunny ass!) What you don’t know is that I was the fourth individual who was asked to give up my seat. Well, as you can imagine, I said an emphatic, “Hell to the no!” I had to get to Louisville that night, too. Children were waiting for me. I told the snarky flight attendant that Easter is a priority. Had she no faith?
ETWN: What did she say?
EASTER B: She said, “Yeah, right! If you’re the Easter Bunny, than I’m Jesus Christ. Get out!” And then the United Airlines thugs dragged me out—Easter accoutrements flying every which way but Sunday. It’s appalling the way they treated me! United Airlines actions with the Asian man and with Easter Bunny extraordinaire were devoid of compassion and coldhearted as a snake!
MNBC: Do you have any proof? Did anyone take pictures and post them on Facebook? You got a YouTube video?
EASTER B: That’s for me to know and for you to find out. All you need to know is that last bit of inhumanity did it for me. Broke my heart and my spirit. I figured if they could do that to “moi” (a revered international figure that is well over 400 years old), then no human is safe in their hands. That’s when I decided to give up the ghost and go into hiding. The Chinese Easter Bunny sent me a text a couple hours ago and said he is also quitting, because he is convinced that the United Airlines debacle was racially motivated since the doctor was Asian that they dragged off the plane. I don’t know anything about that (as far as I’m concerned, their actions towards me were those of rodent racists). All I know is no human being who was just trying to make his way back home deserved to be treated like that. Anyway, you all will have to excuse me. I need to get some rest.
EBN: One last question, Easter Bunny. If you stay in hiding, who will represent the Easter Bunny at the White House Easter egg hunt and roll?
EASTER B: No longer my concern, Dude. Maybe your President will be able to conjure up a replacement. In the meantime, adieu, ciao, adios!
ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT EASTER
I am discovering that fortunately my hope and trust in Easter has nothing to do with a bunny, so he can be dead for all I care. But the fact that my God did not stay dead, but rose again on Easter morning is the reason I live, breathe, and have my being.
Resurrection = a second chance, and a second chance = hope. Every day I pray as a human being to do right by others—be they family or strangers. Yet, every day I fall short of that goal and betray the life of my good God who gave His life for me that I might have life and have it more abundantly than my birth, race, and social status initially accorded me by the country of my birth. I love spring because no matter how cruel and long winter is or how many missteps I make as an inadequate human, spring never fails to resurrect the Earth and bring forth summer, and Easter never fails to readjust my moral compass.
In spite of all the wintery darkness of the world that swirls around us (wars and rumors of wars, chemical warfare, ISIS, and a President from Hell), the remembrance of the resurrection of Jesus undergirds my soul so that I hope—no, I KNOW—that because of Easter, summer is coming to the hearts of man. Easter is the miracle that life wins over death.
HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE!
JESUS IS RISEN—HE IS RISEN, INDEED!
INSPIRATIONAL EASTER QUOTES
“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”—Mahatma Gandhi
“I really do believe that God is love, one of deep affection and grace and forgiveness and inspiration.”—William P. Young
“Easter is very important to me, it’s a second chance.”—Reba McEntire
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS COMING? MY THIRD BOOK! TWO MORE WEEKS—WATCH THIS SPACE!
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