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OH MY GOD: DONALD TRUMP SENT ME AN EASTER PRESENT!

ESSAY ON EASTER AND MINDFULNESS

I take back everything I’ve ever said about Donald Trump not knowing what he’s doing for the people of the United States and the image of Christ.  He’s an evil genius!  Also, I take back every disdainful thought I’ve ever had against the MAGA hats that put Trump in office and are keeping him there. Because of them, I’ve found a new lease on life, a calmer demeanor, and a deeper trust in God this Easter.  (Thank you, oh Crazy Orange One and your MAGA hat minions for my Easter present!)


Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT , Cagle

My non-believing sisters and brothers, do you know what Lent is?  According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, it is “the 40 weekdays from Ash Wednesday to Easter observed by the Roman Catholic, Eastern, and some Protestant churches as a period of penitence and fasting,” which is to draw one closer to God by the time Easter rolls around because the resurrection of Christ from the dead is so awesome that it is every Christian’s hope that if Christ can conquer death, he can conquer every other type of evil plaguing our lives. The reason we give up things at Lent that have some control over our appetites is because we hope it will be easier to scrub off the veneer of fear and hopelessness that blinds us to the power of Christ’s resurrection help in other areas of our lives.

Well, Eureka!  The Holy Ghost gave me a revelation.  The messianic imposter in the White House had caused me to momentarily think he was indestructible, invincible, and made of Teflon (none of his sins were ever going to stick to him and bring him down), and there was absolutely nothing I could personally do about his reign and damage done to our country.  (If his Evangelical supporters are to be believed, I am not operating in God’s will by opposing the Orange One—in fact, I am a sinful little snot who will burn in Hell.)  I was full of fear (not of going to Hell, but of Trump getting away with murder, which seems so much worse than living in Hell), and that led to chronic anxiety which led to eating a gluttonous amount of chocolate-covered bon-bons washed down with buckets of mojitos (not really, but you get my point).  

I am seventy years old and counting—I cannot afford to waste any more of my days on fear and loathing.

So I had a Lenten revelation:  I need to give up Donald J. Trump, not just for Lent, but for the end of time. He is like an obnoxious, spoiled toddler who is only happy if he is absorbing all our attention every second of the day.  I no longer give him the attention he is demanding.  I have replaced thoughts about Trump with gratitude and mindfulness via meditation, and I’m letting the God of the universe fight the things I cannot control—including kicking Trump’s ass. 

I have become a mindfulness aficionado (more about this in the weeks to come).

Carrie on Pinterest

Every morning when I wake up (before I get out of bed), I thank God for what I have—not what I’ve lost. (At this age, one starts losing things, people, and memories on a daily basis as if they were pennies in a pocket full of holes.  Trust me, getting old is not for the cowardly.)  In other words, if I can still breathe, walk, see, hear, talk, and learn…it’s a good day!

Then I mediate, and the sole script of that meditation is a prayer to the God of Easter:

“I have no plans today for my life—only sketches.

Reveal to me your path—where I should go, who I should meet, what I should do.

May I be slow to anger, quick to listen, and slow to speak.

Grant me courage, wisdom, grace, mercy, and above all love for those I encounter along the way.”

It has been amazing!  No more stress, no more anxiety, and no more anger at Trump or anything else—I am as cool as an iced cucumber and I’m no longer in search of bon-bons.  (I fully believe he’s going to be flushed down the toilet of life, but I’m not worried about the if, when, how, or by whom, anymore.)  Consequently, I’ve had the most amazing encounters during the Lent season.  As you might expect, I met a Tin Man who needed a heart, a Scarecrow who needed a brain (actually this was a woman), and just recently, a Lion who needed courage.

Let me tell you about the most significant traveler I met along the way since the beginning of my new mindfulness journey.  The Lion.  He was a driver for a car service in New York City.  He was Asian, young, handsome, and spoke fairly good English. On his dashboard was a miniature picture of the Dalai Lama.  Our driver had shoulder-length black hair which sported a cocky backwards baseball cap that displayed the slogan:  “Let’s get fucked tonight!”  Since I had no intentions of doing anything that day but get to the airport on time and try to return home in one piece, I said, “Delta Terminal C, please,” and proceeded to get lost in conversation with my husband about our magnificent grandson and daughter who we had just spent a wonderful weekend with.  The driver seemed lost in thought but said nothing except an explosive “sigh” every minute or so which was very disruptive—each sigh was like the percussive sound of a steam engine.   (It was so unnerving that I almost yelled at him and said, “What the fuck is wrong with you?  Turn on some music if this is the best you can do for conversation!”  But this is the new and improved, mindfulness Eleanor, so I was not “quick to anger,” nor was I “quick to speak,” (plus, if the truth be told, I didn’t want my Uber rating to take a hit—it’s bad enough as it is!).

I thought the driver was frustrated with the traffic, and I made a mental note to give him a one-star rating where it says, “Driver was a good conversationalist” on the ratings form at the end of our destination.  After a long twenty minutes and about thirty Eeyore sighs later, we finally pulled up in front of our designated terminal.  As soon as I unbuckled my seat belt and hastily reached for the door, the driver turned around and said:  “If you had a friend whose wife was having an affair with his best friend, would you forgive her and try to make the marriage work for the sake of the kids (he has the kids), or would you take the kids and run?”  In the midst of a traffic jam with horns blaring, in front of an airport terminal, trying not to be late to catch a flight, my husband and I gave a broken-hearted lion a few minutes of counseling that I can only hope gave him the courage to let love win and try to save his marriage. (I’d like to think there was something about our mindfulness that encouraged him to open his Dalai Lama-loving heart to us…)

But one thing I’m certain of, ever since I let go of Trump and let God take over my mind and heart, I am encountering the most amazing human beings and having the most outlandish conversations.  I shall keep you posted.  In the meantime, if all the mess of Donald Trump and his minions gets you down or your life is one that makes you mourn and sigh, remember the God of Easter and his amazing resurrection life makes all good things possible, and in the words of one of my favorite authors:

“Everything will be all right in the end.

If it’s not all right, it is not yet the end.”

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel


Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, Middletown CT, Cagle

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS:  Monsters’ Throwdown, Fleeing Oz, The Fetus Chronicles on sale now at Amazon!

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Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Minnesota, Cagle

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


 
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Posted by on April 18, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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JESUS, GOD OF EASTER, HELP!

As you might imagine, given the events of this week, I am sitting Shiva with the rest of my liberal friends—or should I say, sitting Shiva with anybody who has a brain, a conscious, a heart, a soul, or eyes and ears.  According to Wikipedia, Shiva means “seven,” and “sitting Shiva” is described as: “the week-long mourning period in Judaism for first-degree relatives.”  In this case, my first-degree relatives are my country’s morality, constitution, and soul, and my religion’s core Truth.  I know I’m supposed to accept Barr’s assessment of the Mueller report and move on, but I just can’t.  In the words of George Conway (conservative lawyer and the husband of White House counselor Kellyanne Conway —talk about irony):

“TRUMP IS GUILTY—OF BEING UNFIT FOR OFFICE”

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, Oak Harbor, WA/Cagle Cartoons

The aftermath of Barr’s summary has been brutal against anyone who has opposed Trump—led by the mean-spirited bully Trump himself, as he takes his victory lap in the end zone.  Every time I hear him attacking someone who has uncovered his lies or stood up to his bullying, all I can do is pray that the God of Easter rescues us from this cretin—SOON.  Was it wrong to hope the Mueller Report would be an answer to that prayer of obvious corruption exposed?  And why did William Barr give us an interpretation of a potentially 300-plus page report rather than the report itself?  What is Barr hiding?  Instead, the White Right-Wing Christians who believe Trump was sent by God are hoarse from crowing Barr’s summation that God has protected their anointed one, and it makes me sick to my stomach—so sick, it sent me into intercessory prayer.  Below is my most recent prayer—prayed while sitting in sackcloth and ashes cataloged under the title: If Ever There was a God, Now is the Time to Show Up (Again).

Cartoon used by permission: Ed Wexler, PoliticalCartoons.com/Cagle Cartoons

DEAR GOD:

How are you?  The last time we spoke, I was praying for healing of a horrible respiratory disease, spring to arrive (sooner than later), and for the Mueller Report to be released, putting a stop to our current reign of terror. I’m very grateful that you completely healed my snot-generating, five-foot chubby-ass body, that spring has finally sprung revealing that not all my plants died over the winter (thank you very much), and the Mueller Report was finally released—kind of.

It looks like I needed to be a bit more specific in my prayers regarding the Mueller Report.  I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but I thought we had an understanding that the report would be released in its entirety and reveal the complete corruption of Donald J. Trump in such a way that his followers would flee in horror—especially the ones who claim to be your followers.  But instead of them repenting in sackcloth and ashes for propping up this egregious sack of sin, they are joining in his revenge victory lap claiming the Bible verse (Psalm 105:15) on Trump’s behalf:  “Don’t touch my chosen leaders or harm my prophets! “Just the other day I came across this billboard that was once posted near St. Louis, Missouri from a bunch of your Trump-loving Christian followers equating him with you, Jesus:

A billboard along route I-70 near St. Louis, Missouri in Nov. 2018

(OPEN LETTER TO GOD, CONT.)

I don’t know how I missed this billboard when it first appeared, but my God, doesn’t this just burn your cookies?  Seems as if that alone would cause you to make a personal appearance just to set the record straight.  Now, how does the Bible verse John 1:14 read again? 

“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

(The billboard was removed in 2018, but only after a great deal of hysteria from your “sane” peeps who rallied to confront this blasphemous stupidity.)

Insane, right?!

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT/Cagle Cartoons

(OPEN LETTER TO GOD, CONT.)

With all due respect, knowing what you must know, what’s up with letting Trump slide by on the Mueller Report and practically getting away with murder?  You of all deities know that he’s guilty.  He’s like a giant toddler, and he won’t stop until he’s caught red-handed. He needs a giant ass-kicking by you since I am now convinced that Trump was right—he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose his supporters—especially his Christian supporters because they believe you sent Trump to save America.

Not that I need to give you any parenting advice, but do you recall the “Great Toddler Candy Heist of 87” that was perpetrated by one of my children (no need to name names—you know who Baby-girl is)?  Bear with me here.

As you recall, in the beginning, I tried to raise my children in a sugar-free environment. However, one of my kids came to Earth dreaming of lollipops. If upon her arrival the Devil had presented himself to her and said, “I’ll give you all the candy in the world in exchange for your soul, your sister’s soul, and both your parents’ souls,” she would have said, “In a hot baby-poop minute—where do I stamp my baby paw print?”   My child had ways of getting candy that I knew not of.  All I know is that the minute I turned my back on her (with the specific instructions: “Don’t give this child any candy!”) and returned to pick her up from babysitters, Sunday school providers, mother-in-law, or friends’ homes, I’d find candy wrappers stuffed in her diapers and witness the vestiges of a tummy ache all over my new blouses when I snuggled with her.  But no one could ever catch her actually procuring and eating the sweets.  No matter how many times I asked her if she’d eaten candy and where she’d gotten it from, she’d look me straight in the eyes and lie through her cute little four-year-old baby teeth.  (I think I might have even tossed out a prayer or two to you to help me catch that little barbarian in her lies at one time or another.)

Internet Meme

One day, I think you answered my prayers.  I took said candy thief and her sister with me to a very brief business meeting. I noticed as we passed by a table in the lobby by the receptionist’s desk that a rather large bowl of grape Jolly Ranchers was prominently displayed on our way to the elevators.  Both girls asked if they could have some, but I told them “no,” because I was afraid it would spoil their lunch.

After the meeting was over, I strapped the kids into their respective car seats and proceeded back home for lunch.  About five minutes into the drive, I smelled a pungent grapey odor coming from the back seat.  In fact, the odor was overwhelming, as if someone had flooded the car with Welch’s Grape Juice. It was apparent that one of the kids had stolen candy from the office candy dish.  As I whipped my head around like a cobra to seek out the culprit, I demanded to know who was sucking on a Jolly Rancher. My older daughter said, “Not I, said the cat.” When I turned to Baby-girl, she violently shook her head in denial but refused to open her mouth.  Had I not pulled over to the side of the road, I would not have caught her in the act.  But as I stopped the car and looked into the back seat at my girls, streams of purple ooze poured out of Baby-girl’s mouth.  Apparently, she had stolen as many Jolly Ranchers as her little fat fingers could handle and squirrelled them away in her jumpsuit pockets.  My toddler thief had stuffed not one, not two, not three, but at least four grape Jolly Ranchers into her tiny toddler mouth which couldn’t contain the saliva overflow. Caught dead to rights, even as I asked Baby-girl if she had Jolly Ranchers in her mouth, she continued to shake her head in fierce denial while purple saliva stormed from both sides of her mouth as if she were an overheated Saint Bernard and consequently slimed both her sister and me in purple ooze.

Lord, the point of this story is that I nipped that little rascal’s lyin’ and stealin’ in the bud by catching her in the act, and today she is a fine upstanding citizen. I thought you were probably proud of me for that bit of parenting stealth, if the truth be known.So here’s the word: you created Donald Trump.  Essentially, you’re his first parent.  I don’t mean to be impertinent, but why didn’t you let the Mueller Report expose him in all his ill-gotten slime?  Instead, he has gotten away with his crimes (again!) and has become an even bigger jerk than ever—claiming to be a martyr on the level of messiahhood, creating a revenge list, and tormenting the sick, the poor, and anybody that crosses him.


Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, Oak Harbor, WA/Cagle Cartoons

(OPEN LETTER TO GOD, CONT.)

Lord Jesus, I know you know everything none of us know and in due time, all will be revealed, and we’ll all know the truth whether we want to accept it or not. It’s just that William Barr’s assessment was not the truth.  It may have “technically” helped Trump escape collusion, but he’s got the stain of being a horrible human being in every fiber of his being and he’s sliming us all with his purple-tainted sins of lying and corruption.   

Anyway, see you on Easter.  I could use some hope and proof that you’re in control of this mess. Just sayin’. In the meantime, I’ll keep praying (like a mantra) in the words of Leslie Jones’ recent universal tweet:  #LORDHELPUSPLEASE


Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star Tucson, AZ/Cagle Cartoons

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WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS:  Monsters’ Throwdown, Fleeing Oz, The Fetus Chronicles on sale now at Amazon!

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REFERENCE

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2019/03/27/michael-avenattis-downfall-would-be-great-thing-democrats/?utm_term=.b45c5010c518

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/george-conway-trump-is-guilty–of-being-unfit-for-office/2019/03/26/0b5f851e-4ffd-11e9-88a1-ed346f0ec94f_story.html?utm_term=.b59e095fe99e

https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/27/politics/cnn-poll-mueller-reaction-exoneration/index.html

https://www.riverfronttimes.com/newsblog/2018/11/05/we-fixed-that-appalling-trump-billboard-just-outside-st-louis-for-you

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on March 29, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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JESUS, COME BACK!

Do you know what I discovered this week?  Easter and April Fool’s Day fall on the same date this year.  What could possibly go wrong that hasn’t already gone wrong in these here United States?

Easter and April Fools John Darkow Inside Columbia

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Inside, Columbia

I’m actually going to go to church on Easter.  I know!  Can you believe it?  Haven’t been in years.  I left my religion some time ago (actually, my religion left me!), and, although I never plan to permanently return to a religious corporate structure again, our messed up world—especially our messed up country—has me in need of communion and a corporate hug from God.

I need to confess that I’ve never understood why Jesus didn’t set the world straight the first time he came around.  If he wanted us to live a certain way—love thy neighbor and all that—why didn’t he just make it so? Isn’t he all powerful?  Hadn’t the world committed enough wars, mayhem, and terror BC to give him a gist of the character of mankind that would inhabit the world in AD?  We didn’t get any better once he left, we just got more efficient at torturing and killing each other.  Shouldn’t he have known that, being God and all?

Jesus Come Back Bob Englehart Middletown CT

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, Middletown, CT

I don’t even know why I expect to be consoled by going to church on Easter because one of the reasons we have the President that we do and we’re in the mess that we are in is because Conservative Evangelical Christians sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for 30 coins of silver.

Easter Bunny: March 29, 2018

Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News, NY

But I’ll remedy that and go to a Black Baptist church.  Not that they’ve got a corner on the righteousness market, but at least I won’t have to put up with any racism which I seemed to have run into head-long in my community recently while accidentally encountering a bunch of Born-Again/Fox News loving, Trump Luddites masquerading as a “history” club, who feel that it is okay to have their own “alternative facts” with an agenda to mold the world into their racist image (Hillary was right: some of them really are quite deplorable when you get up close and personal).  Besides, I’m keeping count, and the White Evangelical pastors who support Trump (laid hands on him and prayed for God’s anointing) far outnumber the Black Evangelicals 20 to 1.  I’m also keeping count of the White Evangelical preachers who are biting the dust for grabbing women by the “you know what” (it’s Holy week so I need to keep this clean) and they are dropping like flies (must read article referenced below*).  Unlike Trump, they don’t seem to be able to get away with their sexual sins as easily as he can.

Trump Knows Easter Bunny Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle GA

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle, GA

I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was when the likes of Laura Ingraham and the NRA smeared the Parkland School shooting survivors with lies about their character and mocked them on Twitter.  I was so angry that if I owned a gun I would have seriously considered using it against those Neanderthals.  Fortunately, I don’t own a gun for just that reason:  crazy mad can happen to the most mild-mannered person if rubbed the wrong way.

Anyway, I don’t like the state of my heart.  It has grown dark with fear, anger, and resentment.  (My mother always said, “Don’t wrestle with pigs; you’ll get dirty, but the pigs will love it!”)  So I’m getting up out of the slop and dragging my sorry-ass to church before it is too late for my soul.

run-bitch meme

Courtesy of askideas.com

Who knows:  maybe Jesus will show up and stay for good this time.

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ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT RESURRECTION

I am discovering that there is no belief in a resurrection without wrestling with doubt.  Is Jesus real or isn’t he?  Did he die as some cosmic sacrificial lamb or didn’t he?  And on the third day, when the tomb door was rolled away, was he there or wasn’t he?  If he can do that, then why doesn’t he save us from ourselves?

And then I remember that he has.

Resurrection means hope and new beginnings, and like spring, when one is in the midst of winter, it is difficult to imagine that spring, hope, and new life will ever conquer the seemingly permanent deadliness of winter.  But I believe in the resurrection of Christ (help thou, my unbelief, oh God when I fail to believe), because it is my only hope for our poor sweet world and my sanity.

HAPPY EASTER AND HAPPY PESACH EVERYONE!

OUR WORLD SURE NEEDS THE GRACE OF BOTH.

Broken World Dave Granlund Minnesota

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Minnesota

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT EASTER RESURRECTION

“The Resurrection miracle is nothing to you and me if it is only an event of eighteen centuries bygone. Unless we can live the immortal life – unless we can receive God to his own home in these hearts of ours – the texts are nothing to us unless these daily lives illustrate them.”—Edward Everett Hale

“It seems as if, for every dragon head that is lopped off, two more terrible appear. Seems so. But in truth, Life is gaining all the while. Brute force, such power as there seems to be in things, cannot stand against ideas which are eternal.”—Edward Everett Hale

All quotes courtesy of http://www.brainyquotes.com

I AM Dave Granlund Minnesota

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Minnesota

HE IS RISEN!  HE IS RISEN INDEED!

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THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK:  “The Fetus Chronicles:  Podcasts From my Miseducated Self” is on sale now at Amazon!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out her website at www.eleanortomczyk.com

 WANT TO HEAR THE AUTHOR’S LATEST INTERVIEW?  Check out the podcast interview with Leo Brown: http://breadboxmedia.podbean.com/e/what-if-it-is-true-can-you-find-faith-in-darkness/

 REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/christians-offer-trump-cheap-grace/2018/03/27/9e7f5034-31c9-11e8-8bdd-cdb33a5eef83_story.html?utm_term=.4e89b81ca6a3

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2018/03/27/more-white-evangelicals-believe-stormy-daniels-and-that-could-have-some-long-term-implications/?utm_term=.69ee97c45fda

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2018/03/29/laura-ingraham-savaged-for-taunting-parkland-activist-over-college-rejections/?utm_term=.e8fbcb09421b

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/kirbyjon-caldwell-famed-houston-megachurch-pastor-sold-millions-in-worthless-bonds-feds-charge/ar-AAvhlsf?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=UE13DHP

*https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2018/03/30/in-an-age-of-trump-and-stormy-daniels-evangelical-leaders-face-sex-scandals-of-their-own/?utm_term=.9ddc4fa87a96 *

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on March 30, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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EASTER IS COMING!

Do you know what I discovered, recently?  Mother Nature can’t make up her mind whether spring should come or winter should stay.  I live in a golf community, and even though I’d personally prefer to knock myself unconscious with a five-iron rather than play a round of golf, I am feeling a bit sorry for my friends and neighbors who almost froze to death last week just trying to play nine holes.  While they muttered and complained about the wind-chill factor, I turned back on the heat and the fireplace, and wrapped myself in a warm blanket with a mug of hot chocolate.

Winter Spring Duel Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

As I meditated on the concept of why any sane human being would ever want to hit a white ball with a clubbed stick in any type of weather, suddenly the sky grew dark and stormy, the heavens opened up, and rain with hail the size of peas on steroids began to assault my house and property while the trees bent so low, it looked as if they were trying to kiss the Earth.  While I tried to determine whether I was in a tornado and should run down to the basement, a rabbit flew across my lawn (propelled by the wind) in search of shelter, but never managed to land on its feet.  The hurricane-type winds pushed him down the hill at fifty miles an hour and out of sight.   I’m pretty sure he didn’t survive, and I imagine his bunny ass is plastered against one of the trees in the forest behind my house.  However, I’ll never know for sure because when I tried to find out what happened to him once the storm was over, a large snake slithered out of the forest towards me, and I ran back into the safety of my house, screaming:  “Oh Hell to the no! Bunny.  I like rabbits—being it’s near Easter and all—but tangling with a snake to save your sorry-ass is beyond the pale.”  (Don’t you ever wonder why we don’t see more animals flying through the air when bad storms happen?  Where do they go during hurricanes and tornados?  What do they cling to when the winds are moving at a hundred miles an hour?  I have a million squirrels on my property—why didn’t I see at least a half million of those soaring through the air?)

I took a nap, fully expecting to dream about that wind-kill-of-a-bunny, but instead I dreamt of the Easter Bunny.  Only in my dream scenario, the Easter Bunny wasn’t being hammered by a winter/spring storm against a tree, he was in hiding in a giant cave with a gazillion eggs, hordes of Easter candy with a legion of reporters asking him how he’d lost his faith.  I could see them, but they couldn’t see me.  As I approached the scene, I heard the Easter Bunny say:  “I quit, I quit I tell you!  All you people from every country all over this planet are horrid creatures.  There isn’t a country that I’ve visited where I haven’t been assaulted, attacked, and arrested.  What am I guilty of?  What did I ever do but bring happiness, sunshine, and color to your pathetic lives?  And what do I get in return?  War.  Mayhem.  Slaughter.  Assault.  Abuse.  BUNNY LIVES—ESPECIALLY EASTER BUNNY LIVES—MATTER, YOU SONS-A-BITCHES!”

Easter in Europe Marian Kamensky Austria

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

(News organizations represented: RNN=Real News Network, EBN=Easter Bunny News, MNBC=Mayhem Network Broadcasting Corporation, ETWN=End of the World Network)

RNN:  Easter Bunny.  We just got news via your Twitter account that you’re quitting the biz.  What gives?

EASTER B:  You—all of y’all.  You’re the reason I’m quitting.  The entire human race has gotten on my every last nerve.  All my bunny partners are quitting, also.  From here to China and back through Africa, we are hanging up our Easter baskets and taping down our ears.  You beings could care less about Easter and what it stands for.  The Bunny Times was delivered to me today, and I almost had a heart attack just getting through the first half-dozen headlines:

The Uranium Underworld: ISIS want a dirty bomb—and it knows where to get one

Famine now threatens more people than at any time since World War II

San Bernardino reels from elementary school shooting that left teacher, 8-year-old student dead

Charleston church shooter Dylann Roof pleads guilty in state court, avoids second death penalty trial

It Took Thieves 30 Seconds to Crash Truck Into Store, Grab Guns And Leave

Approaching “societal collapse”: New equation shows how quickly humans are wrecking the planet

Why the population of Easter Island really died out: Study finds arrival of Europeans brought disease that wiped out inhabitants

EASTER B:  I’ve just been hiding out in this cave, getting drunk and sobbing myself to sleep.  You people are some nasty-ass mammals.  You destroy everything in your wake—from babies to the Earth’s atmosphere.  No amount of Cadbury eggs and jelly beans can fix you.  You’re broken, and I am at my wit’s end regarding how to fix you.

World Broken Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

EBN:  Easter Bunny, is it true that you were shot at in Alabama?

EASTER B:  Shot at in Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Louisiana, South and North Carolina, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas, and of course Florida.  Those goddamn “stand your ground laws” will be the death of me yet.  What is it with you people and your love of guns?  I’ve traveled through war zones and never been shot at as much as I have in the United States.  Aren’t you people the ones who claim that the One who Easter is about is the One who loves your nation above all other nations?  (It isn’t true, you know; I have it on great authority that my employer loves all peoples from all nations.)  But my point is, show me the Bible verse where Jesus said, “I died on the cross so that you might have a life with guns and have guns more abundantly to shoot and kill anybody that looks at you sideways.”

Easter Bunny Gunned Down Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

MNBC:  Mr. Bunny, people are saying that you’re exaggerating your plight because in reality you’re just getting too old for the job, but you don’t have the chutzpah to retire.  Is it true?  Aren’t you 500 years old?

EASTER B:  Who is spreading those vicious lies?  I’m not a day over 400!  I’m as spry as the day I started when I used to be called “The Judge,” and I determined what children had been naughty or nice to leave candy for the nice ones.  That is until that fat guy in the red suit took over my modus operandi.

 ETWN:  Sir, “End of the World Network” here.  Is it true that you were on United Airlines flight 3411 at Chicago O’Hare International Airport and saw the entire scene go down when United brutalized the elderly Asian man and pulled him off the plane because they allegedly wanted to give his seat to a crew member? Are the stories we’ve been hearing true?

EASTER B:  You’re damn straight the stories are true.  Yes, I had just settled into my seat with my basket of goodies (Peeps, jelly beans, chocolate eggs—you name it) stowed overhead when the scene went down.  It was just horrific, I tell you—disgusting!  The poor man was bleeding and frightened.  Children were crying, people were screaming for the United Airlines thugs to stop brutalizing that old man.   (He’s a doctor, you know?  I kept waiting for the stewardess to announce:  “Is there a doctor on board to treat the passenger who we just beat the shit out of?”  Then the guy could have raised his hand to treat himself and saved United some money, which seems to be all they care about these days.  They certainly don’t care about their customers.  Fly the friendly skies with United, my bunny ass!)  What you don’t know is that I was the fourth individual who was asked to give up my seat.  Well, as you can imagine, I said an emphatic, “Hell to the no!”  I had to get to Louisville that night, too.  Children were waiting for me.  I told the snarky flight attendant that Easter is a priority.  Had she no faith?

ETWN:  What did she say?

EASTER B:  She said, “Yeah, right!  If you’re the Easter Bunny, than I’m Jesus Christ.  Get out!”  And then the United Airlines thugs dragged me out—Easter accoutrements flying every which way but Sunday.  It’s appalling the way they treated me!  United Airlines actions with the Asian man and with Easter Bunny extraordinaire were devoid of compassion and coldhearted as a snake!

United Airlines Bunny Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

MNBC:  Do you have any proof?  Did anyone take pictures and post them on Facebook?  You got a YouTube video?

EASTER B:  That’s for me to know and for you to find out.  All you need to know is that last bit of inhumanity did it for me.  Broke my heart and my spirit.  I figured if they could do that to “moi” (a revered international figure that is well over 400 years old), then no human is safe in their hands.  That’s when I decided to give up the ghost and go into hiding.  The Chinese Easter Bunny sent me a text a couple hours ago and said he is also quitting, because he is convinced that the United Airlines debacle was racially motivated since the doctor was Asian that they dragged off the plane.  I don’t know anything about that (as far as I’m concerned, their actions towards me were those of rodent racists).  All I know is no human being who was just trying to make his way back home deserved to be treated like that.  Anyway, you all will have to excuse me.  I need to get some rest.

EBN:  One last question, Easter Bunny.  If you stay in hiding, who will represent the Easter Bunny at the White House Easter egg hunt and roll?

EASTER B:  No longer my concern, Dude.  Maybe your President will be able to conjure up a replacement.  In the meantime, adieu, ciao, adios!

Steve Bannon as the Easter Bunny John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT EASTER

I am discovering that fortunately my hope and trust in Easter has nothing to do with a bunny, so he can be dead for all I care.  But the fact that my God did not stay dead, but rose again on Easter morning is the reason I live, breathe, and have my being. 

Resurrection = a second chance, and a second chance = hope.  Every day I pray as a human being to do right by others—be they family or strangers.  Yet, every day I fall short of that goal and betray the life of my good God who gave His life for me that I might have life and have it more abundantly than my birth, race, and social status initially accorded me by the country of my birth.  I love spring because no matter how cruel and long winter is or how many missteps I make as an inadequate human, spring never fails to resurrect the Earth and bring forth summer, and Easter never fails to readjust my moral compass.

In spite of all the wintery darkness of the world that swirls around us (wars and rumors of wars, chemical warfare, ISIS, and a President from Hell), the remembrance of the resurrection of Jesus undergirds my soul so that I hope—no, I KNOW—that because of Easter, summer is coming to the hearts of man.  Easter is the miracle that life wins over death.

HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE!

JESUS IS RISEN—HE IS RISEN, INDEED!

Easter Risen Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

 

INSPIRATIONAL EASTER QUOTES

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”—Mahatma Gandhi

“I really do believe that God is love, one of deep affection and grace and forgiveness and inspiration.”—William P. Young

“Easter is very important to me, it’s a second chance.”—Reba McEntire

Spring and freezing Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS COMING?  MY THIRD BOOK!  TWO MORE WEEKS—WATCH THIS SPACE!

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

 REFERENCES

http://www.salon.com/2017/04/11/donald-trumps-white-house-cant-even-organize-the-easter-egg-roll/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/dr-gridlock/wp/2017/04/11/amid-pr-fiasco-over-dragged-passenger-united-ceo-defends-his-crew/?hpid=hp_hp-top-table-main_no-name%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on April 11, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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THE EASTER BUNNY IS DEAD!

Do you know what I discovered this week?  It is the Easter season, which means I need to take a short break—give or take a week or two—to plant my garden.  I do this every year.   During a two-week break in the spring, I use that time to abstain from blogging, get off the Internet, don’t read or listen to the news, and take an assessment of my sorry-ass soul by communing with nature and my God.  I allow myself to be rejuvenated from all the negativity in our world so that I can emerge from my bucolic surrounding after my short staycation as a much calmer person who is ready to continue to fight the good fight as a voice of reason and goodwill.

Well, the other day, the daffodils were out, the crocuses were sprouting, and several blue jays flew past my breakfast window just as I was about to post a note on my blog that says, “See you in two weeks, Pumpkins” when I received a “ping” on my phone which signaled an urgent alert:

“ATTENTION ALL PEOPLE WITH HEARTS—

THIS JUST IN—THE EASTER BUNNY IS DEAD!”

Easter Bunny is Dead

de-motivational-posters.com

I was in a state of shock!  Was this an April fool’s joke?  Had the Easter Bunny pissed off Donald Trump, and his followers did away with all the bunnies?  (Come to think of it, we used to have scores of rabbits who lived in my flower beds, but I haven’t seen any of them in months. I thought I had inadvertently chased the rabbits away with the sonic radar system I had installed to scare off my hated enemies, the moles.  Now I am not so sure.)

As I sat down for a brief pause after sodding the holes in my lawn left by the nasty-ass squirrels who hate my guts (that’s an entirely different story), I fell asleep on the deck and dreamed I was listening to a radio interview between the last bunny on Earth and Larry King.  That great octogenarian interviewer who could get to the truth about anything from even the nuttiest individuals and situations.

Larry King Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Larry King Interviewing Sarah Palin and Mark Sanford

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

LARRY:  Tonight, an Easter Bunny exclusive—the rabbit who many thought to be dead and gone!  We’ll take you inside Mr. Bunny’s palatial hiding place where—breaking his long silence—we’ll discuss the rumors of his vanishing, the nature of his mental health, and the hopelessness our planet has been left with by his unexplained absence.  We’ll talk about the sorry state of the Earth, his universal hand in promoting Easter, and if he feels that his activities threw “shade” on the Messiah’s life and gift to the world.  What stories can he tell about his association with the Christ?  A rare emotional hour coming up next on Larry King Live.

**COMMERCIAL PLACE CARD FOR CADBURY CRÈME EGGS**

LARRY:  It’s a great pleasure to welcome the Easter Bunny to the show tonight.  He has been the representative of Easter to children since the 1700s in Germany, and made his debut in America in the great state of Pennsylvania as “Osterhase” in the 1800s by local immigrants from the Palatinate region of Germany—according to Patrick Donmoyer of the Pennsylvania German Heritage Center at Kutztown University.   Great to have you on the show Easter Bunny.  Let’s get right down to the nitty-gritty tonight.  Where have you been?  Everyone thought you were dead.

EASTER BUNNY:  Larry, it is an honor to be here with you tonight.  I think you’re about as old as I am, and you’re still kicking.  It’s hard to get rid of us old geezers.

LARRY:  Well, I think you’re ahead of me by a couple hundred years, although on some days, I feel as if I might have been born in the 1800s!  These bones aren’t getting any younger, that’s for sure.  Anyway, there is a strong rumor going around that you died.  I believe the National Enquirer first broke the story, but obviously you are very much alive.  I was stunned when your people reached out to my people to refute the rumor about your much reported death.  What’s going on, Bunny?

EASTER BUNNY:  What’s going on, Larry, is that I have retired and gone into seclusion. I can’t take it anymore.  There is nowhere safe on the Earth to go about my business of spreading the good news of hope and redemption without being besieged by mayhem, chaos, and murder.  From here to there, from sea to shining sea, it is all about warring, hatred, and killing.  I am saddened to the core.  I had to retire before I died of a broken heart.

European Easter Marian Kemensky Slovakia

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky Slovakia

LARRY:  But I saw footage of you as road-kill on CNN earlier this month.  Was that all a ruse?

EASTER BUNNY:  I’m ashamed to say it, but I staged my own death, Larry, with the help of some of my friends.  It was a complete hoax.  I needed an exit plan, and that seemed to be the best one.

LARRY:  Well, the obvious question is “why?”  We need all the hope and levity we can get in this world, Mr. Bunny.  Besides, how am I going to live without my Cadbury Crème Egg fix?

EASTER BUNNY:  Old Man, you’ll just have to suck it up and get over it.  Besides, didn’t you have a major heart attack awhile back?  You’re not supposed to be eating those chocolate diabetic bombs anyway.  My point is that I no longer have the courage or the strength to try to bring levity and joy to the world.  It all seems to be a lost cause.  Besides, the job doesn’t have the same pizazz that it used to have anymore.

Cracked Easter Egg Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission:  Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

LARRY:  Really, how so?

EASTER BUNNY:  First of all, it used to be a fabulous job.  I could call my own hours, and every day at the office was casual Friday.  I was respected in all the lands my little fat legs could hop to, and on top of it all, the mission was pretty awesome:  “Rebirth and renewal is yours for the asking because spring has sprung!”  Children loved me by the way.  Never met a kid I didn’t like.  If it was just the kids, I’d never stop, but many of their parents are freakin’ insane.  All these adults are so full of hate and malice. I can’t take it anymore, Larry—I just can’t take it!  I’m disillusioned, worn out, and pissed off.  This is not the job I signed up for, so that is the reason I faked my own death.  Let’s see how the world gets along without Mr. Easter Bunny on the scene.  So there!

Easter Bunny Bob Englehart PoliticalCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, PoliticalCartoons.com

LARRY:  Well, it seems to me that Easter has never been about you, Easter Bunny—your job, your colored eggs, your treats, or your cotton-tailed disillusionment.  I mean I’m Jewish, but I realize that Easter is a Christian holiday celebrating the hope, the redemption, and the renewal given by the Messiah that you think has already come.  The Jewish tradition has us still waiting on our Messiah, but that is another discussion for another day.  (Wouldn’t it be ironic if our Messiah and your Messiah turned out to be the same dude, but we got our calendars all screwed up as to his arrival and departure times?)

Anyway, I do understand Easter through the eyes of “Pesach” (what you Christians call “Passover”), because it is the celebration of the liberation by God of my people via Moses from slavery in Egypt.  From my understanding of the New Testament, Jesus came to Earth so that mankind would see firsthand what it was like to witness the selfless characteristics of God (love, joy, peace, grace, and mercy) embodied in human form so that mankind would change their ways and start treating each other as they were created to do.  Your Messiah gave his life so that you would be liberated from your sins (hate, murder, rape, meanness, greed, cruelty—the list of chaos is endless), and I don’t recall any record of rabbits, jelly beans, and Cadbury eggs being in the tomb where the Christ arose on the third day to manifest that hope of liberation and renewal—kind of like Moses getting my peeps out of the bondage of slavery and crossing through the Red Sea to a new life of freedom.  I don’t think it is a coincidence that Passover and Easter are celebrated around the same time every year.

You’re just a messenger, Little Dude—pointing to the hope of the world.  So what do you have to say for yourself, Easter Bunny?  Seems like you’re needed now more than ever.

Meaning of Easter Parker Florida Today

Cartoon used by permission: Parker, Florida Today

EASTER BUNNY:  Oh!  I never thought of it that way.  But how can I be responsible for that knowledge?  I’m just an animal with two long ears, long hind legs, and a short white bushy tail.  I never knew him—this Jesus.  I’m just a working schmuck trying to make a living.  All I was told to do was announce spring, help dye eggs, and keep the jelly beans coming until children were comatose from sugar.  This other stuff you’ve been telling me is way beyond my pay grade.

LARRY:  Ignorance of the truth is no excuse, Easter Bunny.  If you don’t know what to do—do something!  We are all responsible for doing what we have to do to make the world a better place.

EASTER BUNNY:  Yeah, I get it.  And who knows, maybe I’ll be able to strike a blow for justice and peace.  I travel here, there, and everywhere with my arsenal of eggs, beans, and marshmallow peeps.  The bad guys would never see me coming.  I cross international borders—maybe I could become a spy.  My God, maybe I could help win the war on terrorism!  HOLY JELLY BEANS, LARRY—I’M COMIN’ OUT OF RETIREMENT!!

Antiterror Bunny Marian Kemensky Slovakia

Cartoon used by permission Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

LARRY:  I guess you are, Little Rabbit, I guess you are!  God speed, and don’t forget to leave some Cadbury crème eggs with my assistant.

Well, you heard it here folks:  Bunny Rabbit is alive and well, and returning to his job.  He is not dead!  If you see him out and about, give him a big hug and let him know what a good job he’s doing reminding us that there is more to life than terrorists, poverty, hatred, war, and Donald Trump.  There is hope for the human race and embracing the Easter festivities with our children helps lighten the weariness and meaningless aspects of life.

Easter Sunrise Parker Florida Today

Cartoon used by permission: Parker, Florida Today

***

ELEANOR’S EASTER “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering what I rediscover every spring when I go on retreat to renew my perspective—that I have hope for our world because there is a God who created us all—and loves us dearly.  I am discovering that “love wins”—whether it is Christ’s love for a screwed up world, or my love for my neighbor.  I know that there are those who “claim” to know God and claim to be doing his bidding who instigate nothing but bigotry, pain, and murder, but they are only posers and will not last forever and will not triumph in the end—haters never do. In the meantime, I do not lose hope for our world because of the vision that Easter proclaims to me:

CHRIST IS RISEN—HE IS RISEN, INDEED!

I Am Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

See you in two weeks, my friends. Don’t lose the faith; keep on keepin’ on; never give up trying to make the world a better place, and every other cliché I can remember.

HAPPY EASTER, HAPPY PESACH, AND PEACE AND GOOD WILL TO ALL!

Easter International Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons.com

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT EASTER

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”Mahatma Gandhi

“Easter is meant to be a symbol of hope, renewal, and new life.”Janine di Giovanni

 “Easter tells us of something children can’t understand, because it addresses things they don’t yet have to know: the weariness of life, the pain, the profound loneliness and hovering fear of meaninglessness.”Frederica Mathewes-Green

“I really do believe that God is love, one of deep affection and grace and forgiveness and inspiration.”William P. Young

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 
4 Comments

Posted by on March 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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THE SCANDAL OF EVIL

Do you know what I discovered this week? I’ve been so engrossed in finishing my second book (Fleeing Oz) that Easter week snuck up on me, and the rest of life has passed me by as if it were on a bullet train from Tokyo to Hiroshima. My apologies to all my blogger friends for going AWOL these past several weeks and not keeping up with your posts. But you’re all writers, and you know (and hopefully understand) what it is like to have to meet a deadline for a book that has taken a year to come to fruition—not to mention trying to sell a house, buy another house, and move to another town in the midst of getting older by the minute. (“Become a writer when you retire,” they said; “It will be fun,” they said. Auuuggghhh!)  Anyway, my second book is finished, thank God, and it will launch in May. Glory hallelujah! Maybe, I will get to have sex with my husband again, get to feel the sun on my face, and work on a garden at the new house sometime soon. Shoot, maybe I’ll get to eat something besides popcorn, boiled eggs, pumpkin seeds, and coffee—lots and lots of coffee.

Writing Meme courtesy of ermiliablog dot wordpress

Writing meme courtesy of www.ermiliablog.wordpress.com

Fleeing Oz is a humorous memoir based on my diaries about spending 40 years in the predominantly White, right-wing stream of the Christian church and my subsequent divorce from it. (Yes, Virginia, there is such an anomaly as a Black Christian, Conservative, Right-wing Republican! Fox News doesn’t make this shit up, and Dr. Ben Carson, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and that nasty-ass Herman Cain aren’t the only ones.) As I relived this journey through the eyes of my multitudinous journal entries, I was appalled at all the evil I stupidly embraced under the banner of “following Jesus” (1 ½ cults, 1 soulless mega-church, 2 heartless, wannabe mega-churches, and 9 or more “shoot-me-now-because-I’m-so-bored, I’d-rather-be-doing-shots-with-the-devil-than-sit-through-one-more-sermon-from-an-ignorant-arrogant-clueless-preacher-like-you”).

Part of the research I read to write Fleeing Oz was a book entitled People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil by M. Scott Peck. As I tried to sort out in my book why I participated in some of the heinous things I did (why most people do what they do in the name of religion), I realized I had more questions than answers about God and “the way things are on this planet.”

There are three chimes which form a media call-to-attention that rattle me to my core every morning: “C,” the second note “A” (a major 6 up) and “F” (a major 3rd down)—sol, la, do (for my musician readers). They tonally spell NBC: Breaking News! Every time I hear those intervals followed by the words “breaking news,” my stomach seizes up. Each new three-tone chime from NBC News introduces a new level of evil. Just when I decide that I’ve figured out a way to sidestep the terror of ISIS, or find a neighborhood where there are no robbers, rapists, and racists, or cut out traveling anywhere near the continent of Africa or the country of North Korea, the tones “C-A-F” confront me with the possibility of a new evil that I never once thought about until “Breaking News.”

NBC: Breaking News! Pilot willfully crashes commercial plane into the French Alps, killing all 150 on board. He was not a terrorist (whew!), but he was a tad bit depressed!

(I may truly never have the courage to fly again without a psychiatrist at my side and a bag full of anti-psychotic drugs in my purse. When I get on a plane, I will demand to greet the pilots and look them in their eyes. If their eyes shift from my scrutinizing gaze for even a nano-second, I am hitting the exit door that activates the emergency chute, and I am out of there faster than you can say “Happy Easter”!)

Depressed Pilot  Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

I give up! I can’t outrun, outsmart, or outmaneuver evil. It always seems to be two steps ahead of me, and the sheer cacophony of the rattling of the death sabers yanks me to my knees. Will I be next? Will someone I love be fed into the gaping jaws of evil? Why do bad things happen to good people? Will there ever be peace on Earth? Where is God in the mix of all this evil? All these questions lead me to Easter because Easter, in some weird way, gives me hope and the assurance that something bigger than myself and beyond this Earth is in control. I know that God does not cause evil. People have the power of freewill to choose to do evil things. Because the god that I call Jesus suffered evil, was murdered, buried, and rose again, I have hope that I too shall rise in courage, in grace, in joy—in eternal life—in response to any evil that might come my way.  But I can’t say that I’m not scandalized by it all. I have to constantly fall to my knees and pray for understanding and grace. I have to constantly forgive God for not putting a stop to it all in his infinite power as I try not to be scandalized by his seemingly inaction. I have to trust that something good will come from it all.

Writing Fleeing Oz has made me see how much evil is within me—how often I failed to defend, protect, and support those in need of my help. I need to understand Easter on a deeper level if I am to survive myself and others. So this Easter I shall meditate on the writings of the Episcopal priest, David Henson, who has a better handle on Easter than any theologian I’ve ever read. He gives me hope!

A HOMILY FOR EASTER

by David R. Henson

Goddamn evil

Goddamn abuse

Goddamn injustice, slavery and rape.

Goddamn racism

Goddamn war

Goddamn that strange fruit of bigotry and hate

Goddamn suffering

Goddamn hunger

Goddamn indifference, apathy and waste

Goddamn noose

Goddamn death

Goddamn despair, depression, the wait

Goddamn Good Friday

And a Goddamn cross

Goddamned it all,

Goddamned it too late

Yet we live like it’s Easter

Like God has been raised

We live like it’s light,

In spite of the dark.

We live like there’s joy

With spite in our hearts

For all that remain of our Goddamned days

These Goddamned

Good Fridays.

Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/davidhenson/2012/04/easter-preaching-a-poem-that-will-get-your-fired/#ixzz3VzRInaWx

Christ_of_Saint_John_of_the_Cross

Christ of Saint John of the Cross by Salvador Dalí, 1951

EASTER QUOTES

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”—Mahatma Gandhi

“The great gift of Easter is hope – Christian hope which makes us have that confidence in God, in his ultimate triumph, and in his goodness and love, which nothing can shake.”—Basil Hume

*“But, when I look at the world, the suffering of consciousness, the evil that infects, the despair of life, the hunger that distends bellies, the enslavement of the poor to the rich, and the rich to riches . . . when I look myself, the way I am made, my own experiences of despair and hopelessness . . . I see the kind of brokenness that begs for forgiveness, but of a wholly different kind than the prayers we say while pounding our chests. At some point, we have to learn to forgive God.”—David Henson

“Let every man and woman count himself immortal. Let him catch the revelation of Jesus in his resurrection. Let him say not merely, ‘Christ is risen,’ but ‘I shall rise.’”—Phillips Brooks

Death Overcome by Easter Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

HAVE A GLORIOUS EASTER! Used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com

**

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

Fleeing Oz (Book 2 in the Discovery Series) coming in May!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on March 31, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The Genuine Article

Do you know what I’ve discovered about Easter? 90 million chocolate bunnies and 16 BILLION jelly beans are said to be consumed during a season that follows 40 days of abstaining for the Christian Lent—usually from sweets. Easter hasn’t even arrived yet, and I’ve consumed at least two-million jelly beans, but the good news is that I gave up chocolate bunnies for Lent since I’m a chocoholic. I made six giant Easter baskets for family and friends, and every time I threw in a handful of jelly beans into a basket I snarfed down two handfuls of beans with a swig of Diet Coke (one must maintain one’s diet, now mustn’t one?), but I abstained from the chocolate bunnies. Sometime after the consumption of 500,000 jelly beans, I fell into a sugar coma and would have stayed passed out for days had not a life-sized bunny knocked on my front door and, in my foggy-state-of-mind, asked me to take a bite out of his ass.

Chocolate Bunny By Josef Türk Jun via Wikimedia Commons

Chocolate Bunny By Josef Türk Jun via Wikimedia Commons

ME: I beg your pardon? Who are you? Are you a zombie in a bunny disguise?

E. BUNNY: Ah, nooooo. Do I look like a zombie? I’m Mr. Chocolate-E-Bunny.

ME: I can see you’re a bunny—albeit a six-foot-tall bunny—and a chocolate one at that, but you could be hiding all manner of characteristics under that chocolate undercoating. Take me for instance [slightly slurred speech from sugar intoxication], I’m a human female, chocolate in color, and perfectly normal at first glance, but I could be your worst nightmare if you mess with me. I’m also a chocolate lover, baby, so come on in and make yourself at home. Unfortunately, I can’t fulfill your request now—I don’t do chocolate Easter Bunnies anymore. I gave you up for Lent.

E. BUNNY: [E. Bunny pushes his way into my foyer and almost knocks me over in the process] It says here in my manifest that you gave up all sweets for Lent, but up until a few minutes ago you were passed out from a jelly bean overdose. Kind of hypocritical, don’t you think?

ME: Hey, hey, hey, hey, don’t you judge me. There is only one person who can judge me. Life is hard out here for a chocolate lover. And how do you know my business? Besides, I’m not the one who has been trying to steal the show from the real author of Easter for years. You and your comrades have reduced a very holy holiday into a commercial carnage of sugar crap and colored-boiled egg rolls. How many Americans even know what Easter is about anymore? And what the fuck did you do with your gold foil wrap? Your nakedness is freaking me out here!  I’m only five-feet tall, and even though you’re not anatomically correct, I don’t need to be looking at all that that isn’t supposed to be there on a damn chocolate bunny.

Easter Forgotten Peter Broelman Australia

Used by permission: Peter Broelman, Australia

E. BUNNY: I left my gold-foil wrap outside. I thought I’d be less imposing if I came through the door chocolate naked and ready for consumption.

ME: No, the fact that you’re a six-foot-tall chocolate bunny and talking to me is freaky—the gold foil means nothing. Now get out! I’ll not lose what little grip I have on my Lenten sacrifice and my sanity.

E. BUNNY: What do you care? It says here on my manifest that you are no longer a Christian; you’re a NONE (“none of the above” when asked “what religion are you?” on surveys), as well as a SBNR (“Spiritual but Not Religious”). Ain’t you a bit old to be losing your religion?

ME: Completely misrepresented. If you read my book Monsters’ Throwdown (have you read my book?) you’d know all about my thrilling God encounter. Where did you get that erroneous misinformation about me not being a Christian, by the way? I am a Christian BUT NOT ONE OF THOSE CHRISTIANS that are doing everything in their power to win the stupid medal, spew hatred, undergird white supremacy, sow division, worship greed as a divine right, spread ignorance, foster abuse, churn up intolerance, and snuff out belief in science. Did you read how a group of mega-church preachers have predicted the end of the world (Red Moon Rapture) during the appearances of the blood moons (scientists call this lunar eclipse a tetrad) this year or the next? Well, one blood-moon experience has passed, and we’re still here. (God, I despise stupid). At the same time, I believe in Jesus, his birth, sacrificial death, and powerful resurrection. Science is awesome (I’m really feeling the new Cosmos series, by the way), but the “knowing” by faith that I am loved by an entity who is outside of time and space levels the playing field for this little chubby-ass, black girl from the ghetto and makes me less frightened as to the nefarious choices of those who would choose to do me harm on this scary blue planet.

Gospel in a word is love funnypicturesimages dot com

Courtesy of funnypicturesimages.com

E. BUNNY: Cute—although I’m agnostic. Being edible, I have to keep my options open. Aren’t you a little old for clip art religion?

ME: Aren’t you a bit perverse to ask some strange woman to take a bite out of your ass? You’ve barged into my house and now you think you can throw shade on my beliefs? Okay, you’re goin’ down, you mouthy, fat-ass Bunny!

AT THIS POINT, THE SUGAR INTOXICATED FIVE-FOOT “NONE” BEGAN TO DO A THROWDOWN WITH THE SIX-FOOT NAKED CHOCOLATE BUNNY. JELLY BEANS WERE FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY BUT SUNDAY, AND BITS OF CHOCOLATE BUNNY WERE FLUNG TO THE CEILING. IT WAS ANYONE’S GUESS AS TO WHO THE VICTOR WOULD BE.

E. BUNNY: Stop, stop! I don’t want to fight over this. My request is strictly business, I promise. I won’t get my commission unless I become part of an Easter display. Problem is that I am much too big for an Easter basket, and everyone who I’ve come in contact with this week has given up chocolate for Lent. I’d given up all hope of winning the Easter challenge until my manager told me to stop by your house. He says you’re known throughout the land as being a chocolate-bunny slut. I’m begging you, just take a couple of chomps out of my ass to show that I am Easter worthy, and I’ll leave you be.

ME: [I bounced around the floor like Sugar Ray Leonard with fists raised in a defensive position—not letting down my guard for one minute.] Something about you is off, bunny, but I can’t put my finger on it. Everybody who is anybody knows that you don’t feast on a chocolate bunny from the ass up—it’s always from the ears down. And another thing, you’ve giving off the appearance of being a solid bunny, but methinks you sound a little bit hollow inside. For the sake of science, let me take a bite out of one OR BOTH of those ears. I’ll know instantly if you’re for real or a poser. [I flew through the air and flung myself against his body and snapped off both his chocolate bunny’s ears to discover what I suspected all along.]

Easter Over Commercialized Easter Jeff Parker Florida Today

Used by permission: Jeff Parker, Florida Today

E. BUNNY: Ouch! WTF! Why did you do that? Now I can’t hear a thing.

ME: Serves you right, nasty-ass bunny busting into my house when I’m all weak and vulnerable and offering up your tasty ass.   Um, even though you’re hollow, your ears are delicious and the left side of your face is scrumptious. I WANT MORE! [I took a flying leap and lunged upward toward the back of the chocolate bunny’s head.] Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. You are delicious, bunny baby! Oh, but what about my Lenten oath? Let’s see—Lent ends on April 17th. Today is April 16th. I made it almost to the mark—that should count for something in the religion department. [At this point I lunged for the chocolate bunny’s throat with zombie teeth bared and chocolate blood gushing out of the sides of my mouth with the ferocity of a lioness feeding on an antelope.]

E. BUNNY: That’s called sin ration_________gurgle. . .

ME: What did you say, giant bunny—something about sin rationalization? [Chomp, chomp . . .] Well, good thing I get forgiveness of my sins through Christ, because I plan to eat all six feet of your chocolate ass now and ask forgiveness later! Ha—I bet you didn’t see that one comin’!

Easter Meme FB

I am discovering that I am grateful to have experienced the presence of God in my life. All that is good and lovely, I owe to the one I call Jesus; all that was harsh and degrading I owe to the lack of love from mankind.  I am also discovering that no matter how loud the right-wing religious or the extreme atheists shout about God vs. science—both are probably wrong because Easter is the elasticity between the two. Science explains how, what, and when life began for us all (thanks Brian McLaren), but God is outside of time and space and therefore cannot be measured or categorized (thanks Alan Lightman) by science—God explains the who and whythe meaning of life.  I could be wrong (that is the nature of faith), but the fact that God burst onto the scene to show us how to live and treat each other over 2,000 years ago (which we seem to be severely ignoring) simply underscores how significant his life and death are to all mankind. I believe that in the end love will triumph over all our differences, and all death has been conquered by the resurrection of Christ. Thank God for Easter.

Happy Easter to one and all!

P.S. No chocolate bunnies were actually harmed in this sugar dream and no Lenten vows were broken.

Easter Meanig Milt Priggee www dot cagle dot com FB

Used by permission: Milt Priggee http://www.cagle.com

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”Mahatma Gandhi

“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.”Albert Einstein

“Jesus’s resurrection is the beginning of God’s new project not to snatch people away from earth to heaven but to colonize earth with the life of heaven. That, after all, is what the Lord’s Prayer is about.” ― N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church

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REFERENCES

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/religion/blood-moon-sets-off-apocalyptic-debate-among-some-christians/2014/04/15/00b76502-c4be-11e3-9ee7-02c1e10a03f0_story.html

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/04/14/blood-moon-lunar-eclipse-john-hagee-end-of-world/7694331/

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Posted by on April 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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