Do you know what I discovered about the Iowa Caucus this year? Who did Iowa have to sleep with to become the first major electoral event to pick the nominees for the Presidential run? It has gotten out of hand and on my every last nerve! They don’t even have a primary for Pete’s sake! Their caucuses have some cutesy definition which means a “gathering of neighbors.” Well, apparently these neighbors are predominantly white and 65% Born-again, Evangelical Christians, who don’t look like the rest of America (why not do the first Presidential caucuses in California, New York, or Florida?), thus making Iowa a Republican candidate’s wet dream. Then mix that with the hysterical hype of the media (these people really need to get a life), and it must drive normal, level-headed Iowans nuts because it certainly has done so to me.
Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune
Only 3.4% of Iowans are Black, and what few of them that there are don’t tend to lean Republican. I noticed that earlier on in the week. I also noticed that as the Republican race narrowed down to two candidates—Trump and Cruz—I could barely sleep. I’m not voting Republican this year (the field is way too nutty for my taste); I am just trying to make sure that the “right” Republican wins the nomination so the Democratic Presidential candidate can win in 2016. Both Cruz and Trump seem hell bent on destroying the country and the GOP, so it is just a matter of which nut-case needs to rise to the top whose ass can be kicked by a Democrat. One is a buffoon and the other is a mean son-of-a-bitch who believes that he is God’s Messiah sent to save our country.
Used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia
The problem that I’m having is that I am a Born-again Evangelical Christian (and Black) who is intelligent, sane, rational, loving, and caring. I cherish science, I believe the Earth is in climate-change Hell, and I consider all humans my sisters and brothers who deserve my respect. I am nothing like the people who caucused for Trump and Cruz, and there are many, many more like me—it’s just that we’re hardly ever given airtime. The Trump and Cruz supporters’ blind stupidity scares the shit out of me. It keeps me awake at night. I’ll do my best to defeat them in the long run, but what could I do about Iowa? I’m just a little ol’ chubby-ass retiree trying not to fall and break a hip. I went to bed on Monday night wondering if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow or not in the morning, as well as what wingnut would win the Republican caucus, and how little control I had over either situation.
It was then I had a dream about a rodent.
Punxsutawney Phil Meme, via earthsky.org
That furry, fat rodent, Punxsutawney Phil appeared to me while I fitfully slept—tossing and turning—muttering a deep-seated prayer: “Not the Trump, oh God, noooooo . . . have you no mercy!”
PUNX: Psst . . . psst—hey human, wake up! It’s me, Punxsutawney Phil.
ME: Huh? Punx? Is that you? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in Pennsylvania, and aren’t you a little early?
PUNX: I heard you moaning in your sleep, and I just dropped by to tell you that I plan on not seeing my shadow on February 2nd— so not to worry.
ME: What do you mean you plan on not seeing your shadow? You’re rigging your coming out? You can’t do that—that’s immoral.
PUNX: What do you care? By not seeing my shadow, you’ll get to have an early spring. So be happy and rejoice. Besides, ain’t nobody got time for this bogus, anti-science, shadow-seeing shit. I need a purpose in my life besides being some fat guy’s pet. So I’ve joined the political underground movement: “Groundhogs against Trump—he’s stupid, he’s lazy, he’s a fool, and he’ll never be President.” I’ve been in Iowa messing with the caucus outcome. Have you heard the news—Trump got schlonged, and it’s all my doing! I fired his ass!
ME: Really, a rodent fired The Donald? Isn’t that a bit braggadocious? I find your boast hard to believe. Trump didn’t win Iowa?
Used for permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri
PUNX: Hell to the no, Trump didn’t win in Iowa! And he’s sooooo pissed. He’s spinning it here—he’s spinning it there—but the reality is he once said that if he didn’t win Iowa he would consider it “a big, fat, beautiful waste of time!” But he came in second—he’s such a looooser!
Used by permission: Taylor Jones, Politicalcartoons.com
ME: Well, hot diggedy-dog! But how did you affect this outcome? May I remind you that you are a furry little animal—you don’t even have opposable thumbs!
PUNX: We groundhogs have our ways—we’ve been messing with humans for years. Will spring come early; will spring be delayed? Let’s just say, I got up there and helped serve Trump his balls on a platter.
ME: Impressive! Well then, who came in first? If you tell me that Ted Cruz did, I am going to go screaming into the night. Even Trump is better than that mean-spirited, rod-up-the-ass, holier-than-thou, Ted Cruz!
PUNX: Yes, Cruz came in first, but don’t you worry about him. We’re forming another group for New Hampshire and beyond: “Groundhogs against Cruz—the meanest, nastiest, son-of-a-bitch that ever walked the Earth.” I’ve rallied all my sisters and brothers against him. We have a bone to pick with Cruz—him and his gun-tottin’-animal-killin’ self. We’re the ones who started the whisper campaign that he is not a natural-born citizen. The Constitution is going to bite him in the butt—you watch: (“No Person except a natural born Citizen . . . shall be eligible to the Office of President”). Wouldn’t that be a hoot if Cruz got disqualified after the way he spread the vicious lies that President Obama wasn’t born in America? Let’s see: Hawaii vs. Calgary. Which one belongs to another country? Heh, heh, heh, heh!
Anyway, we groundhogs are marching all the way to New Hampshire to the thunderous chant of:
“Cruz was born in Canada/from Calgary he hailed/Too bad he didn’t stay there/ ‘cause we plan to see him fail!”
The groundhogs are on it, Babe! We just needed to give you humans a little help by letting the gas out of that windbag, Trump. Now you know that even the animals are disgusted with your Republican presidential candidates. And you’re welcome!
PUNX: Well, gotta run. Go back to sleep. Don’t be afraid. It is all going to work out. See you in New Hampshire, Girlfriend. Look out, Repubs—here we come—‘cause even us rodents have risen up against your craziness!
Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson, Roll Call
ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT ABOUT TRUMP/CRUZ
I am discovering that sometimes I wish I did have the powers to awaken the entire Earth (animals, rocks, and trees included) to do my bidding like a war counsel from the Lord of the Rings. I would use that power to course-correct the insanity coming out of the Republican candidates for President. A world with either one of the top two Republican contenders in the White House—Trump or Cruz—will be a world engulfed in war, with civil rights abolished, healthcare destroyed, and women’s rights rolled back. In fact, any of those Republican candidates would be horrifically painful—throwing us back into the 1950s. What horrifies me is that there is a political force who are Evangelicals who claim to love God, and they are so fearful and deluded that they cannot see that neither Cruz nor Trump would be someone Jesus would condone. They actually think they are doing God’s will. When I hear these candidates speak, they sound frighteningly similar to the radical Islam that they claim they want to protect our country from.
But I have no magical powers. I only have my keyboard, my prayers, and a mother’s love that wants to leave a better world for my children and grandchildren. Therefore, I will keep sounding the alarm until the morning after voting day in 2016. In the words of Sister Joan Chittister, “When you don’t know what to do—do something.” Maybe I’ll wake up enough people with my writing to turn the tide on them all (blind Evangelicals, hateful politicians, and corrupt presidential candidates). Until then—on to New Hampshire!
Cartoon used by permission: The Press Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons.com
QUOTES ABOUT THE TWO WHO WOULD LOVE TO BE KING
“Who the heck is Donald Trump to fire me? I regret I didn’t tell Donald Trump, ‘You need to fire your barber. I’m sorry. I ain’t feeling you, man. You’re fired! I fire you, Donald Trump.’”—Sinbad
“Nobody could like Donald Trump, surely, except his mother. No one really likes The Donald. But how can you not have respect for a guy who’s been down on the floor and just keeps coming back? Nothing will keep Donald Trump down until they drive a wooden stake in his heart and a silver bullet in his brain.”—Felix Dennis
“…Cruz’s speeches are marked by what you might call pagan brutalism. There is not a hint of compassion, gentleness and mercy. Instead, his speeches are marked by a long list of enemies, and vows to crush, shred, destroy, and bomb them. When he is speaking in a church the contrast between the setting and the emotional tone he sets is jarring.”—David Brooks/The Brutalism of Ted Cruz/NYTimes
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