RSS

Category Archives: Uncategorized

THE EASTER BUNNY IS DEAD!

Do you know what I discovered this week?  It is the Easter season, which means I need to take a short break—give or take a week or two—to plant my garden.  I do this every year.   During a two-week break in the spring, I use that time to abstain from blogging, get off the Internet, don’t read or listen to the news, and take an assessment of my sorry-ass soul by communing with nature and my God.  I allow myself to be rejuvenated from all the negativity in our world so that I can emerge from my bucolic surrounding after my short staycation as a much calmer person who is ready to continue to fight the good fight as a voice of reason and goodwill.

Well, the other day, the daffodils were out, the crocuses were sprouting, and several blue jays flew past my breakfast window just as I was about to post a note on my blog that says, “See you in two weeks, Pumpkins” when I received a “ping” on my phone which signaled an urgent alert:

“ATTENTION ALL PEOPLE WITH HEARTS—

THIS JUST IN—THE EASTER BUNNY IS DEAD!”

Easter Bunny is Dead de motivational posters dot com

de-motivational-posters.com

I was in a state of shock!  Was this an April fool’s joke?  Had the Easter Bunny pissed off Donald Trump, and his followers did away with all the bunnies?  (Come to think of it, we used to have scores of rabbits who lived in my flower beds, but I haven’t seen any of them in months. I thought I had inadvertently chased the rabbits away with the sonic radar system I had installed to scare off my hated enemies, the moles.  Now I am not so sure.)

As I sat down for a brief pause after sodding the holes in my lawn left by the nasty-ass squirrels who hate my guts (that’s an entirely different story), I fell asleep on the deck and dreamed I was listening to a radio interview between the last bunny on Earth and Larry King.  That great octogenarian interviewer who could get to the truth about anything from even the nuttiest individuals and situations.

Larry King Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Larry King Interviewing Sarah Palin and Mark Sanford

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

LARRY:  Tonight, an Easter Bunny exclusive—the rabbit who many thought to be dead and gone!  We’ll take you inside Mr. Bunny’s palatial hiding place where—breaking his long silence—we’ll discuss the rumors of his vanishing, the nature of his mental health, and the hopelessness our planet has been left with by his unexplained absence.  We’ll talk about the sorry state of the Earth, his universal hand in promoting Easter, and if he feels that his activities threw “shade” on the Messiah’s life and gift to the world.  What stories can he tell about his association with the Christ?  A rare emotional hour coming up next on Larry King Live.

**COMMERCIAL PLACE CARD FOR CADBURY CRÈME EGGS**

LARRY:  It’s a great pleasure to welcome the Easter Bunny to the show tonight.  He has been the representative of Easter to children since the 1700s in Germany, and made his debut in America in the great state of Pennsylvania as “Osterhase” in the 1800s by local immigrants from the Palatinate region of Germany—according to Patrick Donmoyer of the Pennsylvania German Heritage Center at Kutztown University.   Great to have you on the show Easter Bunny.  Let’s get right down to the nitty-gritty tonight.  Where have you been?  Everyone thought you were dead.

EASTER BUNNY:  Larry, it is an honor to be here with you tonight.  I think you’re about as old as I am, and you’re still kicking.  It’s hard to get rid of us old geezers.

LARRY:  Well, I think you’re ahead of me by a couple hundred years, although on some days, I feel as if I might have been born in the 1800s!  These bones aren’t getting any younger, that’s for sure.  Anyway, there is a strong rumor going around that you died.  I believe the National Enquirer first broke the story, but obviously you are very much alive.  I was stunned when your people reached out to my people to refute the rumor about your much reported death.  What’s going on, Bunny?

EASTER BUNNY:  What’s going on, Larry, is that I have retired and gone into seclusion. I can’t take it anymore.  There is nowhere safe on the Earth to go about my business of spreading the good news of hope and redemption without being besieged by mayhem, chaos, and murder.  From here to there, from sea to shining sea, it is all about warring, hatred, and killing.  I am saddened to the core.  I had to retire before I died of a broken heart.

European Easter Marian Kemensky Slovakia

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky Slovakia

LARRY:  But I saw footage of you as road-kill on CNN earlier this month.  Was that all a ruse?

EASTER BUNNY:  I’m ashamed to say it, but I staged my own death, Larry, with the help of some of my friends.  It was a complete hoax.  I needed an exit plan, and that seemed to be the best one.

LARRY:  Well, the obvious question is “why?”  We need all the hope and levity we can get in this world, Mr. Bunny.  Besides, how am I going to live without my Cadbury Crème Egg fix?

EASTER BUNNY:  Old Man, you’ll just have to suck it up and get over it.  Besides, didn’t you have a major heart attack awhile back?  You’re not supposed to be eating those chocolate diabetic bombs anyway.  My point is that I no longer have the courage or the strength to try to bring levity and joy to the world.  It all seems to be a lost cause.  Besides, the job doesn’t have the same pizazz that it used to have anymore.

Cracked Easter Egg Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission:  Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

LARRY:  Really, how so?

EASTER BUNNY:  First of all, it used to be a fabulous job.  I could call my own hours, and every day at the office was casual Friday.  I was respected in all the lands my little fat legs could hop to, and on top of it all, the mission was pretty awesome:  “Rebirth and renewal is yours for the asking because spring has sprung!”  Children loved me by the way.  Never met a kid I didn’t like.  If it was just the kids, I’d never stop, but many of their parents are freakin’ insane.  All these adults are so full of hate and malice. I can’t take it anymore, Larry—I just can’t take it!  I’m disillusioned, worn out, and pissed off.  This is not the job I signed up for, so that is the reason I faked my own death.  Let’s see how the world gets along without Mr. Easter Bunny on the scene.  So there!

Easter Bunny Bob Englehart PoliticalCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, PoliticalCartoons.com

LARRY:  Well, it seems to me that Easter has never been about you, Easter Bunny—your job, your colored eggs, your treats, or your cotton-tailed disillusionment.  I mean I’m Jewish, but I realize that Easter is a Christian holiday celebrating the hope, the redemption, and the renewal given by the Messiah that you think has already come.  The Jewish tradition has us still waiting on our Messiah, but that is another discussion for another day.  (Wouldn’t it be ironic if our Messiah and your Messiah turned out to be the same dude, but we got our calendars all screwed up as to his arrival and departure times?)

Anyway, I do understand Easter through the eyes of “Pesach” (what you Christians call “Passover”), because it is the celebration of the liberation by God of my people via Moses from slavery in Egypt.  From my understanding of the New Testament, Jesus came to Earth so that mankind would see firsthand what it was like to witness the selfless characteristics of God (love, joy, peace, grace, and mercy) embodied in human form so that mankind would change their ways and start treating each other as they were created to do.  Your Messiah gave his life so that you would be liberated from your sins (hate, murder, rape, meanness, greed, cruelty—the list of chaos is endless), and I don’t recall any record of rabbits, jelly beans, and Cadbury eggs being in the tomb where the Christ arose on the third day to manifest that hope of liberation and renewal—kind of like Moses getting my peeps out of the bondage of slavery and crossing through the Red Sea to a new life of freedom.  I don’t think it is a coincidence that Passover and Easter are celebrated around the same time every year.

You’re just a messenger, Little Dude—pointing to the hope of the world.  So what do you have to say for yourself, Easter Bunny?  Seems like you’re needed now more than ever.

Meaning of Easter Parker Florida Today

Cartoon used by permission: Parker, Florida Today

EASTER BUNNY:  Oh!  I never thought of it that way.  But how can I be responsible for that knowledge?  I’m just an animal with two long ears, long hind legs, and a short white bushy tail.  I never knew him—this Jesus.  I’m just a working schmuck trying to make a living.  All I was told to do was announce spring, help dye eggs, and keep the jelly beans coming until children were comatose from sugar.  This other stuff you’ve been telling me is way beyond my pay grade.

LARRY:  Ignorance of the truth is no excuse, Easter Bunny.  If you don’t know what to do—do something!  We are all responsible for doing what we have to do to make the world a better place.

EASTER BUNNY:  Yeah, I get it.  And who knows, maybe I’ll be able to strike a blow for justice and peace.  I travel here, there, and everywhere with my arsenal of eggs, beans, and marshmallow peeps.  The bad guys would never see me coming.  I cross international borders—maybe I could become a spy.  My God, maybe I could help win the war on terrorism!  HOLY JELLY BEANS, LARRY—I’M COMIN’ OUT OF RETIREMENT!!

Antiterror Bunny Marian Kemensky Slovakia

Cartoon used by permission Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

LARRY:  I guess you are, Little Rabbit, I guess you are!  God speed, and don’t forget to leave some Cadbury crème eggs with my assistant.

Well, you heard it here folks:  Bunny Rabbit is alive and well, and returning to his job.  He is not dead!  If you see him out and about, give him a big hug and let him know what a good job he’s doing reminding us that there is more to life than terrorists, poverty, hatred, war, and Donald Trump.  There is hope for the human race and embracing the Easter festivities with our children helps lighten the weariness and meaningless aspects of life.

Easter Sunrise Parker Florida Today

Cartoon used by permission: Parker, Florida Today

***

ELEANOR’S EASTER “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT

I am discovering what I rediscover every spring when I go on retreat to renew my perspective—that I have hope for our world because there is a God who created us all—and loves us dearly.  I am discovering that “love wins”—whether it is Christ’s love for a screwed up world, or my love for my neighbor.  I know that there are those who “claim” to know God and claim to be doing his bidding who instigate nothing but bigotry, pain, and murder, but they are only posers and will not last forever and will not triumph in the end—haters never do. In the meantime, I do not lose hope for our world because of the vision that Easter proclaims to me:

CHRIST IS RISEN—HE IS RISEN, INDEED!

I Am Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

See you in two weeks, my friends. Don’t lose the faith; keep on keepin’ on; never give up trying to make the world a better place, and every other cliché I can remember.

HAPPY EASTER, HAPPY PESACH, AND PEACE AND GOOD WILL TO ALL!

Easter International Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons.com

***

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT EASTER

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”Mahatma Gandhi

“Easter is meant to be a symbol of hope, renewal, and new life.”Janine di Giovanni

 “Easter tells us of something children can’t understand, because it addresses things they don’t yet have to know: the weariness of life, the pain, the profound loneliness and hovering fear of meaninglessness.”Frederica Mathewes-Green

“I really do believe that God is love, one of deep affection and grace and forgiveness and inspiration.”William P. Young

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

***

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 
4 Comments

Posted by on March 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

RIP GOP

Do you know what I discovered about famous people dying and their subsequent media coverage?  Just recently Harper Lee, Pat Conroy, Nancy Reagan, and Angela “Big Ang” Raiola (breakout star of Mob Wives) died, and within hours—sometimes minutes—everything from multi-paragraphs to multi-pages of obituaries were published.  It was freaky.  I learned that obituaries of famous people are written long before their deaths if they are terminally ill, old, or habitually self-destructive.  That way, when they do kick the bucket, the Media can be Johnny-on-the-spot and publish their obits in a timely manner.

When I awoke this morning and read the news about Donald Trump’s significant wins on Super Tuesday, I could hear the death knell for the GOP, and I knew what I had to do:  write an obit for the Republican Party whose inevitable demise is on its way, if it hasn’t happened already.  I thought it would be rather entertaining to “very loosely” base the GOP’s obituary on bits and pieces of the actual one that was used for Abraham Lincoln as taken from page 1 of The New York Times, April 16, 1865.  (I couldn’t resist the irony.)

Repub Hari Kari Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons.com

***

GOP—ONCE KNOWN AS “THE GRAND OLD PARTY”—IS OFFICIALLY DEAD!

Reality Show Actor Donald Trump Believed to be the Assassin

By Blogger, Eleanor L. Tomczyk

***

Party of Lincoln David Fitzsimmons,The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

It is now ascertained with reasonable certainty that multiple assassins (led by a gang leader) were engaged in this horrible crime against the Grand Old Party.  The leaderan actor named Donald Trumpwas the one who engaged in the final kill shot against the GOP, and the other companions of his (Republican Congress, Tea Party, Birthers, Mitch McConnell, Citizens United, Koch Brothers, Fox News, Right-Wing Radio), are being hunted down for their complicity in the Elephant’s demise even as this obit goes to press.  Vivid descriptions of Trump’s accomplices (racism, xenophobia, misogyny, homophobia, greed, and violence) have been posted all over the nation’s media outlets so that they can hardly escape unnoticed. It appears from intelligence collected from the GOP’s murder scene that the assassination has been a long time coming, but it previously stalled out because it was believed that the Republican Party had an adult—Jeb Bush—who they thought would carry the day, and thus extend its life a little longer.  But Mr. Trump slaughtered Bush in a high profile shoot-out earlier in the year, and then rode on to Florida to commit the dastardly deed against the Grand Old Party itself.

Trump eating the Gop Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

The official notice of the death of the GOP was given by the Media this morning to the American public, and the memorial arrangements were announced:

      First—the arrangements for the funeral of the late GOP were referred to the Republican Establishment which is in a state of disbelief and is trying to broker a convention in Cleveland to resurrect the Elephant from the dead.  All the Bible-believing Evangelicals have been called upon to fast and pray for this miracle.

      Second—The Great Latino Hope (Marco Rubio) went into hiding with his tail between his legs after being mortally wounded by a stray bullet from The Donald in his assassination attempt against the GOP.  Rubio was last seen sobbing his heart out in the Florida Everglades as he lamented:

“My whole life I’ve been told being humble is a virtue, and now being humble is a weakness and being vain and self-absorbed is somehow a virtue. My whole life I’ve been told no matter how you feel about someone, you respect everyone because we are all children of the same God—and now being respectful to one another is considered political correctness.”

AT WHICH POINT THE ALLIGATORS WERE HEARD RESPONDING IN UNISON:  “AND WHY WASN’T THAT SAME COURTESY EXTENDED FROM YOU TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE?  KARMA IS A BITCH ‘LITTLE RUBIO.’”

Rubio and Florida Dave Granlun, Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

In the meantime, Nancy Reagan, the wife of the “god” the GOP worships, was high-fiving her fortune teller in the Great Beyond for escaping the Earth just in time to be with her man before she had to witness the assassination of the Republican Party by Donald Trump and the Duck Dynasty set.

Nancy Reagan Disappointment David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

The assassin left behind at the crime scene a brilliant display of the rancor and violence he would use to pull the Party together now that he had accomplished his goal of obliterating the GOP.  When asked by CNN host Chris Cuomo what Mr. Trump would do if he ended up in Cleveland a few delegates shy of 1,237 and the party leaders demand a contested GOP convention, he gave a bone-chilling answer: 

“I think you’d have riots.”

“[I’m] representing many millions of people: If you disenfranchise those people, and you say, ‘I’m sorry, you’re 100 votes short’…I think you’d have problems like you’ve never seen before. I think bad things would happen.”

Trump Leprechaun Threats Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

The GOP’s body was removed from Florida and has been embalmed.  The Grand Old Party of Lincoln was wrapped in the American flag, and it has continued across the country for proper viewing by the American people at various primaries and will arrive in Cleveland in July where it will be put to rest.  It will be America’s last chance to see the remains of a once proud political group who helped Abraham Lincoln free the slaves.

Flags over the Republican Establishment hearts are at half-mast. Scarcely any business is being transacted anywhere either on private or public account.

The bells are tolling mournfully. All the Republicans are in the deepest gloom and sadness. Strong men weep in the streets.  China is using Donald Trump’s antics and vulgarity as a warning to its citizens about the dangers of democracy.  The grief is wide-spread and deep—in strange contrast to the joy that was so greatly manifested around the world when Barack Hussein Obama won the Presidential election—not once—but twice. 

This is indeed a day of gloom.  RIP GOP!

Future of Gop John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA”) MOMENT ABOUT THE GOP’S ASSASINATION

I am discovering that as I meditate on the very real aspect that Donald Trump may be our Republican nominee for the President of the United States, I understand that this will probably destroy the GOP as we’ve come to know it—shatter it into a million pieces.  Maybe that will be a good thing.  I don’t rejoice over this.  I used to be a Republican, and I think our country needs a two (or more) party system to keep us in balance.  But I don’t feel very sorry for my Republican friends because they brought this on themselves.  When Trump spearheaded the birther movement against President Obama (knowing full well, that every charge was a lie), the Republican Establishment “winked” and thought it was a hoot.  When Mitch McConnell declared that he would lead the Republican Congress in a charge to make Obama a one-term President and obstruct him at every turn, the rest of the GOP cheered and rushed in to help.  When the jerk, Joe Wilson, screamed at President Obama in the midst of a State of the Union address, “You lie!” the rest of the Republicans applauded the consummate disrespect of a sitting president.  In the midst of all this, they got into bed with big business, big money, and special interests—leaving the middle class behind to slide into poverty, and the poor to slide into Hell.  Now they wonder why so many people are so pissed at them.  So angry that 67% of Republicans are willing to lend their support to an assassin.

To all my dear sisters and brothers in the Republican Party who refused to speak up against the sins of the GOP all those years ago, up to today’s obstructionism by Congress against the President’s pick for the next Supreme Court Judge—I give you Donald Trump.  Karma is truly a bitch!

Supreme Court Obama choice Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

Supreme Court obstruction David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

REFERENCES

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-skeldon/this-is-not-my-republican-party_b_9477064.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/03/13/how-the-republican-party-became-a-failed-state.html

http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/trump-cruz-kasich-convention-220846

http://www.salon.com/2016/03/14/joe_scarborough_surrenders_msnbc_host_admits_party_has_shattered_its_brand_but_wont_confront_whats_driving_the_gops_crisis/

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on March 17, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

FRANKENSTEIN TRUMP

(This week’s post is about the results of Super Tuesday amongst the Republican candidates and is very loosely based on the Frankenstein horror story by ‎Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, written in 1818.  My humble apologies to Mrs. Shelley for upstaging her monster who almost looks tame compared to mine.)

Frankenstein cartoon bizarro.com Dan Piraro

Cartoonist Dan Piraro, www.bizarro.com

Do you know what I discovered when I awoke on the morning after Super Tuesday?  I had had a dream.  A dream so filled with horror that I doubt I’ll be able to shake its effects for a very, very long time.  It was a dream that filled my heart with terror and my mind with unshakeable images.  But wait:  lest you think I exaggerate, let me recount the tale, and you can judge for yourself.

***

I dreamt that I was a captain of a mighty ship.  My name was Captain Jane Walton of the Clear Vision Shipping Company.  My ship was the Pure of Heart and this was its maiden voyage which had set sail for the Port of True North.  We had been at sea for many months when we encountered a rather large being on a battered lifeboat that had seen better days.  Both lifeboat and being seemed to be on their last legs, so to speak, and were sinking fast.

I ordered my crew to rescue the creature, and after much exertion they managed to bring the mutilated lump aboard.  It was hard to tell what its original form was at first.  Man, woman, animal, alien?  Who could tell because it was broken and shattered into what seemed like a million pieces.  As the form unfolded on the deck, I realized it was an elephant—albeit barely recognizable due to its lacerations and multiple bruises.  The elephant was incoherent and could barely stand up.

Shattered Republicans Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons.com

“Creature, what is your name,” I asked?  “And what brings you to such a desperate moment in such a watery grave?”

“My name is Dr. GOP Frankenstein,” replied the discombobulated creature as he gasped for air.  “I was beaten and pulverized by a creature of my own making, and he set me adrift to die at sea.  Had you not come along dear Captain, all would have been lost.”

I could tell that the elephant had once been a stately fellow, but little of its original grandeur remained.  As my brain recalled a long forgotten history of a pachyderm that had represented a people who were part of Abraham Lincoln’s Party—the emancipator of the slaves—I grew sad at how far it had fallen.

As I nursed Dr. Frankenstein back to health, he began to share the incredible story of his downfall with me.  The doctor told me he was born in 1854—birthed in opposition to the Kansas–Nebraska Act which was trying to extend slavery into the territories.  He was a party that in its heyday had been supported by everyone from White Protestants, to factory workers, to farmers, to abolitionists, and African-Americans.  But somewhere along the way, he had lost his vision and went in search of the secret to encompassing total greed and ultimate power and discovered that what he sought existed on the island of Ayn Rand-NRA.  Their nation’s motto is:  “I’ve got mine, too bad you don’t have yours—it sure sucks for you!  Now get out of my face before I blow your brains out with my ‘2nd Amendment Right-to-Carry AK-15.’”

Convinced that he had enough knowledge to construct a super mini-me to take over the land of White House and gain control of the country’s citizens, Dr. GOP Frankenstein created a being out of different body parts:  a self-righteous form of Christianity, obstructionism, greed, racism, self-centeredness, crudeness, sexism, and the poorly educated.  The organs of the creature were anti-Muslim, pro-guns, anti-taxation, anti-Obama, anti-abortion, anti-immigration, and anti-climate control.

One fateful night, Dr. Frankenstein threw the electrical switch and voila! A monster was born:  Frankenstein Trump!

Trump revuses to avow David Duke Milt Priggee www.miltpriggee com

Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee www.miltpriggee.com

Unlike his namesake in the story of old (Dr. “Victor” Frankenstein), GOP was at first elated with his creation.  When Frankenstein Trump fled to the land of Birther and relentlessly accused the first Black President of the United States of not being born in America, his creator didn’t stop the monster’s onslaught.  In fact, Dr. Frankenstein smugly smiled to himself and gleefully cheered behind closed doors because he had made a vow to destroy Citizen Barack Obama and make him a one-term President.  When Frankenstein Trump threatened to ban all Muslims from entering the country and building a giant wall to the heavens to keep out all Mexicans, Dr. GOP cheered—immigration of the brown people south of the border solved—check!  When the monster seduced the White Evangelicals, White disgruntled men, White supremacists, and the poorly educated, forcing Dr. Frankenstein to create another monster and turn them into the Bride of Frankenstein, Dr. GOP facilitated the making of a monster bride and pretended it was for the saving of America Land.  This was good, GOP thought—this was power—this was the way to the land of White House!  The more inept and corrupt the monster became, the more his creator looked away until it was too late.

February 26, 2016

February 26, 2016

Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News

On March 1st—known as Super Tuesday—Frankenstein Trump escaped from his creator and devoured some of Dr. GOP’s favorite sons.  Frankenstein Trump had turned into a raging, blustering, crude, no-nothing bully.  But the monster had become “HUUUGE” and strong, and try as he could, Dr. Frankenstein was unable to reign in his misguided creature.  For the first time the doctor was afraid—very afraid.   By the time I rescued him that fateful night, Dr. GOP was beside himself.  He said he had “tried everything to stop his creation’s momentum, but nothing was working.”  It was looking like—unless a miracle happened—that Frankenstein Trump would be President Trump of the greatest country on Earth in November, and Dr. GOP would splinter into a million pieces—never to be heard from again.  The process had already begun.

What was not known until Dr. Frankenstein confessed it to me is that Frankenstein Trump was not his first monster creation.  GOP had created the Cuban twins Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz—one he adored, the other he despised.  Both hated their most recent brother-creation and vowed to destroy him for the sake of their father.

Marco Rubio David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

Ted Cruz is going to Save us from Trump David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

But Frankenstein Trump just poked them both in the eyes and laughed in their faces while Dr. GOP Frankenstein sobbed over the monster he had assembled.   The Doc told me of a plan to make a multimillion-dollar assault against Frankenstein Trump by carpet bombing Florida, Illinois, and Ohio with a ruthless ad blitz to stop the monster from winning the Republican nomination.  I laughed because even I knew it was too little too late.  I could hear the voice of Alex Castellanos (a veteran media consultant) blowing in the wind, who had attempted an earlier “Stop Frankenstein Trump” assault and failed:  “A fantasy effort to stop Trump. . . exists only as the denial stage of grief.”

Trump Acceptance by GOP Bill Day Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission:  Bill Day, Cagle Cartoons

Dr. GOP left my ship when we pulled into the Harbor of Sanity, and we haven’t spoken face-to-face since.  Every once and awhile I hear voices blowing in the wind mingled with screams coming from the hills.   The monster keeps screaming, “I win, I win—losers,” and tepidly taunting his haters with comments like “I won’t disavow the KKK, OK” as he shouts to his hyped-up village followers: “I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN,” as the villagers raise their pitch forks and rifles in salute to him: “Frankenstein, Frankenstein, you’re our man—if you can’t save us, no one can!”  And if I listen carefully, I hear the blood-curdling screams of Dr. GOP whose soul the creature has fractured and is devouring inch by inch—bit by bit.

Super Tuesday Buffet Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

***

“CAPTAIN JANE WALTON’S ‘SELAH’” (AHA) MOMENT

I am discovering that as I go about my daily life, praying that the Almighty God will protect my country from the demon that Dr. GOP has wrought, I wonder how many lives he will devour before finally being destroyed.   Recently one evening, as I double-checked to see that all the doors in my home were barred against the invasion of this monster, I saw a news conference from his lair—Mar-a-Lago.  There Frankenstein Trump stood in all his glory—beating his chest and crowing his victory over his creator, Dr. GOP.  It was a sight to behold, but nothing was more cringe-worthy than seeing the chubby-ass monster he had enslaved—Governor Chris Christie.  There the Governor of New Jersey stood—in invisible chains, silently screaming—looking just as one should look when one has sold one’s soul to bask in the presence of an evil entity.  It was then I heard a rumor that the Grand Pooh-bah of the Republican party, Mitt Romney, thinks that “Donald Trump is a phony, a fraud” and that he’s “playing the American public for suckers”  and “under Trump, America would cease to be a shining city on a hill.”  But all that did was confuse me.  Wasn’t Romney the “good Mormon” man who had basked in the glory of Frankenstein Trump’s embrace just four years ago?   Didn’t this Mormon man of God—an elder in his church—say that “Having his [Trump’s] endorsement is a delight . . .” That he was “honored and pleased” and that it “meant a great deal to have his [Trump’s] endorsement?”  Now Romney planned to put on a robe made from a profile in courage to come to the town square, leading a mob to try and kill the monster.

All I could think of as a single tear slid down my left check:  “Oh, Dr. GOP, what hath thou wrought, what have you done?  You have sold our American soul to the Devil!”

Chris Christie's Future Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

***

QUOTES ABOUT TRUMP, OOPS, I MEAN FRANKENSTEIN

“If I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear!” ― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

“When falsehood can look so like the truth, who can assure themselves of certain happiness?”― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

“You are my creator, but I am your master; obey!”― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

“Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust?”― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

“It’s becoming obvious that supporting or not supporting [Trump] isn’t a political choice.  It’s a moral choice. The man is evil.”Tweet by Stuart Stevens, top adviser to Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign in 2012

 “Mr. Trump’s character is antithetical to many of the qualities evangelicals should prize in a political leader: integrity, compassion and reasoned convictions, wisdom and prudence, trustworthiness, a commitment to the moral good. . . . Why a significant number of evangelicals are rallying round a man who exposes them as hypocrites is difficult to fathom.”—Peter Wehner, The New York Times

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle). 

REFERENCES

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/republicans-face-a-moral-choice-will-they-oppose-trumps-bigotry/2016/02/29/36bd87ee-df2e-11e5-846c-10191d1fc4ec_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-f%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-strong-hand-at-the-center-of-trumpisms-dangerous-worldview/2016/02/29/fd2c9ada-df17-11e5-846c-10191d1fc4ec_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-e%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/donald-trump-is-the-monster-the-gop-created/2015/07/08/5b0bb834-259b-11e5-aae2-6c4f59b050aa_story.html?tid=a_inl

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/the-gop-has-two-weeks-to-take-down-donald-trump/ar-BBqeaaW?ocid=spartandhp

http://www.salon.com/2016/03/01/cruzs_last_stand_ted_cruz_thinks_hes_a_messiah_but_hes_a_pathetic_dunce_about_to_fall_on_his_face/

http://www.salon.com/2016/02/27/one_bully_endorses_another_bigger_bully_why_chris_christie_hitched_his_wagon_to_donald_trump/

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/26/bully-new-jersey-governor-endorses-failed-atlantic-city-casino-owner-for-president.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/26/christie-hated-trump-19-days-ago.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 
8 Comments

Posted by on March 3, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

APPARENTLY, AMERICA LOVES A BULLY

Do you know what I discovered today, Sunday, February 21, 2016?  It is a day after the Republican Primary in South Carolina where Trump had a resounding victory over the rest of the Republican candidates, and I can’t find a soul who witnessed this debacle to return my call.  I’m specifically trying to connect with the White “Evangelical Christians” who gave Trump such a huge win (no self-respecting Black person would ever vote for this clown), but no one will allow me to interview them.  It’s like they did their dastardly deed and then went into hiding.

Trump Sues Randall Enos Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Randall Enos, Cagle Cartoons

I finally caught up with my alter ego, The Dalai Mama, who sent us the report from New Hampshire last week, but she seemed to be in a state of shock.  (DM looks like me but takes no prisoners, and she has no filter.  She says the things I wish I could say on any given day).  As I connected with her on her cell phone, I immediately noticed how disheartened and exhausted she sounded.

ME:        Hey, DM . . . I’m been trying to reach you since the polls closed last night in South Carolina.  Where have you been?  I need some intel about the SC Primary so that I can write my blog.  I hear that Trump won every single congressional district.  How in the hell did that happen?  Wasn’t there at least one hold out? Tell me it isn’t so.

DM:       Oh, you bet yo’ chubby-little-ol’-ass, it’s so.

ME:        But what happened?

DM:       Best I can tell, the White Christians down here done gone crazy.  They put him over the top.  Nasty-ass Ted Cruz is in a state of shock ‘cause he just knew he had the White Christian vote.  Only thing good about Trump winnin’ is that he beat Cruz’s ass.  You ain’t gonna hear this on “Mornin’ Joe,” Baby, but South Carolina White Christians done lost they ever-lovin’ minds!  Jesus is weepin’ this mornin’, chil’—sobbin’ in his communion cups.  Now you know I ain’t no racist, but I has to emphasize what race done this, ‘cause no self-respectin’ Black folk would ever put this man in office.

ME:        Well, you don’t know that it was all White people who voted for Trump.  I’m sure there were some Black folks who voted for this maniac—we are not a monolithic group.

DM:       Um, um . . . I was there.  Didn’t see nary a Black person.  These White folks think Trump sit at the right hand of Jesus, and that he is the Great White Christian Hope.  Besides, they finally get to participate in what Larry Wilmore calls the “unblackening of the White House.”  No Black folk in they right mind would join in on that—we know a bigot when we sees one, even if he is a billionaire.  He just a rich bigot.  Lawd, have mercy!  Jesus is banging his head against his throne today—I just know he is.

Thank you Jesus for Trump reddit dot com

ME:        Did you ask the people—especially the White Christians—why they voted for Trump?

DM:       Sho’ I did.  They say it ‘cause he tell it like it is.  Say he most like them of all the candidates, and he gonna make America great again.  I’m still tryin’ to figure out what that means.   I didn’t see none of them with any private planes or a super model wife.  I asked a couple of them if they had mansions, maids, and chauffeurs, but not one of them could say they did.  You know what I think it is—they been holdin’ they breath about the Black man in the White House for eight years, and now they gots themselves a leader that say, it’s okay to hate him and to throw in the Mexicans and the Muslims in the pot since they now stirrin’ up themselves some hate stew.

Voting for Trump Meme

ME:        I’m still flummoxed over the fact that so many Christians voted for this Neanderthal.  These are my brothers and sisters in Christ.  Did they not hear what the Pope said about him?  Basically, saying that if the dude was a Christian we would know it by his actions.

DM:       Oh that just made the Trumpets more riled up.  It was like feedin’ steak to a bunch of hungry pit bulls.  “How dare the Pope question our savior Trump’s Christianity?  Who does he think he is—God?”  (Of course, they love it when Trump questions President Obama’s standin’ in Christ, ‘cause they just know the Prez is a Muslim who they hate.)  As to the Pope, suddenly that ol’ hatred for Catholics just bubbled right up to the Southern Baptist surface.  I thought that was long gone—haven’t seen that since John F. Kennedy was President. The Popey better be glad he made his visit to America befo’ Trump become president, because if he had come afterwards, I’d be worrin’ ‘bout the Pope’s safety.  If this Trump character gets into the Oval Office, all races, creeds, and colors—except white Protestant males—will be fair game for ridicule, shame, and bullyin’.

Trump the Christian FB Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

ME:        Oh, Dalai.  What are we going to do?  I feel as if we’re being yanked back in time to a nightmare that will never end.

DM:       Can you say, “help me, Jesus—help, help me, Jesus?”  ‘Cause that divine power mixed with every eligible voter who ain’t lost their minds better get out and vote like they lives depend on it come November.  That’s where I’m off to next.  I’m startin’ the “anti-Trump” campaign coupled with the “anti-Cruz” campaign as I go from state to state (might as well bring down the devil’s spawn along with the devil).  I’m gonna shout the truth from the rooftops:  “Wake up you silly-ass Americans—especially you Christians.  This is not what our Lawd Jesus would do!  We done been had!   This clown ain’t like you—he ain’t like Jesus, and you ain’t gonna get no riches, no three wives, no billions, no mansions, no airplanes!  Also, get over yo’selves cause Mexicans, Muslims, Gays, and Black folks are here to stay!”

Trump Supporters David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (AHA) MOMENT ABOUT CHRISTIANS AND TRUMP

I am discovering that the Christianity I hold so dear has been sold to the highest bidder, and we’ve seen this movie before.  When Hitler rose to power, he did so on the votes of the Lutheran and Catholic churches.  There were a remnant who fought against his election (there will always be a remnant of courageous people who speak out against madness), but for the most part people chanted:  “Hitler, Hitler, he’s our man—if he can’t save us, no one can.”  We have people who call themselves Christians who are pretty pissed that they have been losing what they consider the cultural wars since the 60s (women’s rights, racial equality, and globalization), and they are willing to sacrifice their beliefs in order to get back the world that they have been mourning ever since the 50s.  Not only do I agree with the Pope and question Trump’s character as a so-called “Christian,” but I question the Christian character of the people who overwhelmingly delivered South Carolina into Trump’s hands.  The only thing good about his win is that he beat nasty-ass Cruz who is so mean and heartless that he makes Trump look like Jesus’ sidekick.

Before I turned off the news to post this blog, I heard this quote from Trump:

“We’re going to win so much, you’re going to get tired of winning . . . You’re going to say, ‘Please, Mr. President. I have a headache. Please, don’t win so much. This is getting terrible.’ And I’m going to say, ‘No, we have to make America great again.’ ”

On that note, I screamed bloody murder and asked my husband if he had the heart to pick up and move again so that we could retire to a land where Trump was not the nightmare President I know he will become if given half the chance.   My husband asked me if I had any prospects in mind, and I told him I had just seen an ad on the Internet from a travel bureau in Canada. . . can you say, “Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, here we come!”

Cape Breton Island Cape Breton Website

Cape Breton, Nova Scotia

***

QUOTES:  WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A “TRUE” CHRISTIAN

“A Christian reveals true humility by showing the gentleness of Christ, by being always ready to help others, by speaking kind words and performing unselfish acts, which elevate and ennoble the most sacred message that has come to our world.”—Ellen G. White

“I feel like if I live the Christian life, then the people should be able to see it in my everyday actions.”—Quinton Aaron

“The point is that there is tremendous hypocrisy among the Christian right. And I think that Christian voters should start looking at global warming and extreme poverty as a religious issue that speaks to the culture of life.”—Al Franken

“I’m working at trying to be a Christian, and that’s serious business. It’s like trying to be a good Jew, a good Muslim, a good Buddhist, a good Shintoist, a good Zoroastrian, a good friend, a good lover, a good mother, a good buddy – it’s serious business.”—Maya Angelou

“A Muslim fanatic and a Christian fanatic, a Jewish fanatic, a secular fanatic, an atheist fanatic, a communist fanatic – all of them are the same. The thinking that, ‘If you don’t think like me, that if you are not with me, then you are against me;’ this is something to condemn.”—Marjane Satrapi

 “I think there ought to be a strict separation or wall built between our religious faith and our practice of political authority in office. I don’t think the President of the United States should extoll Christianity if he happens to be a Christian at the expense of Judaism, Islam or other faiths.”—Jimmy Carter

ALL QUOTES FROM http://www.brainyquotes.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (hardcopy and Kindle).

 STOP VOTING FOR TRUMP MEME

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on February 21, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

#2016InOneWord: MORTIFIED!

Do you know what I discovered this week?  Every media outlet (on and offline) has gotten on my every last nerve, as my mother used to say.  It’s been wall to wall politics—all day—every day.  If I didn’t know any better, I would swear that nothing else was happening on the Earth except for the 2016 Presidential campaigns.  But then the media cut me a break and let me watch the Super Bowl in peace.  Yes! Finally, I got a break.  Go Panthers! You da man, Cam!

Media Coverage Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Oh well . . . and then there was that—the Broncos won.  Sigh! Although I must say, I was more than a little secretly pleased to have Peyton Manning go out for the last time on the wings of a Super Bowl win into retirement. But no sooner had I gone into mourning over my team losing the Super Bowl (Cam Newton: “what happened Buddy?”), and tried to wash the very disturbing puppy/monkey/baby Mountain Dew/juice/caffeine commercial from my psyche, the political coverage by the media came back in a deluge.

Super Bowl Ads Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

We’ve only just begun the race for the White House, and I am so sick of these crazy people that I could just scream.  It seems that others are as well.  On CNN, a columnist noted a new hashtag for millennials to describe their feelings in one word about how the election makes them feel—#2016InOneWord.  They responded accordingly:

Scared

Anxious

Disappointed

Frightened

Petrified

Worried

Horrified

Meh!

I added my own word: mortified!   And can you imagine what it must have been like in New Hampshire these last few days?  CNN reported seeing New Hampshire yard signs that flat-out demanded, “NO SOLICITING OF ANY KIND” to the horde of campaigners with detailed inscriptions that read:

We are too broke to buy anything. We know who we are voting for. We have found Jesus.”

AND

“Seriously, unless you are giving away beer, PLEASE GO AWAY!”

Dems vs Repubs Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

I almost wish I could have been there to see what all the obsession was about, but I’m working on my third book and couldn’t get away.  Which is why I sent my alter ego, The Dalai Mama, to scout out the scene in New Hampshire and give me the what-what on the something-something especially if there was anything happening on the down-low.

If anyone could get the straight poop, then it would be The Dalai Mama.  She is my inner, fierce self.  The Dalai is what I would be in another time and another place—unafraid, full of spunk, suffering no fools, and having no problem letting them know it.  The presidential campaign trail is like watching a Monty Python movie but with verbal guns and knives—replete with popcorn. Dalai’s assessment of the New Hampshire scene was priceless.  Check out the transcript of our conversation this morning.

Political Entertainment Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

DM:       Hey Girl.  What’s happenin’?

ME:        Hey Babe.  I think the question is what’s happenin’ with you?  From all the news reports, the primaries in New Hampshire were a wild ride.  How did you fare? I’m pretty much caught up on the news everyone else knows:  GOP establishment in shambles and New Hampshire was their worst nightmare (Trump won), Hillary got creamed—women under sixty abandoned her for Sanders, Rubio’s campaign collapsed, and Trump and Sanders emerged as champions.  But I’d love to have your perspective.  What were your three biggest takeaways?

DM:       Girl, I wish you could have been here.  New Hampshire was a major bitch slap.  Tempers was flarin’, candidates was actin’ like fools, and most of them forgot everythang they mama’s done taught them.

ME:        How so?

DM:       First off:  Christie went all Jersey on Rubio’s ass during the debate.  He had been telegraphin’ all week that he was goin’ beat the shit out of Rubio down by the playground—jest like some schoolyard bully—but even though Rubio’s Hispanic, he ain’t got a lick of street smarts in him.  You could tell when it hit him that he didn’t see it comin’!  I thought cutie-pie Rubio was gonna burst into tears right then and there on the stage, but when he kept doing exactly what Christie was bullyin’ him about (bein’ a robot stuck in a loop), I almost jumped up on stage and knocked some sense into his head.  On the other hand, I think Christie thought he take out Rubio the way a bull takes out a distracted matador, then he would move on up the GOP food chain to eventually win the GOP establishment’s vote.  Well, surprise, surprise, surprise—Christie went down in flames and took “Fury-ina” with him.  They both withdrew their candidacies today.  He probably never heard the sayin’ in Jersey that “God don’t like ugly.”

February 9, 2016

February 9, 2016

Cartoon used by permission:  Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News

ME:        I think Rubio thought if he picked an unfair fight with someone who couldn’t answer back on the stage—someone bigger and more powerful than him—the rest of the Repubs would thank him for it and leave him alone.  But he miscalculated the Prez and trusted in his scoundrel fellow Republicans too much.  Obama is at the point where he doesn’t give a shit what anyone says, and the Republican candidates only have your back until you get in their way.  After all, this bunch are politicians of the lowest common denominator.  What else did you observe?

DM:       The lowlifiest thing that happened is that Trump called Cruz a female kitty cat.  You should have seen Cruz’s reaction.  His head almost exploded.  Chil’ that dude’s got anger issues to beat the band.  I couldn’t believe that Trump’s bullin’ just made his peeps love him even more, so I guess he and Trump don’t have a bromance anymore. Can you imagine that sorry-ass Trump as president?

ME:        Yep, I can see the headlines now: “WWIII started after President Trump called Putin a pussy.  Putin called President Trump the “C” word, and now we’re dealing with nothing but scorched Earth ad infinitum.”

Pussy Cruz Bob Englehart CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission:  Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons,com

ME:        What was your impression of Hillary?

DM:       Mo’ like what was my impression of her ol’ man.   Did you see Bubba’s face when Hill conceded to Bernie?   I ain’t made up my mind yet ‘bout Hill, but I gots to tell you that the main thing holdin’ me back from Hillary is Bill.  I knows everybody calls him the “first Black president” ‘cause Black folks helped put him in office, and he like jazz and all, but I thinks he be takin’ us fo’ granted.  Everybody tellin’ me that his sorry-ass philanderin’ ain’t got nothin’ to do with Hillary bein’ Prez.  That may be so if he wasn’t gonna be first man.  But I knows me some Jesus, and that kind of crap don’t sit right with me or the Good Lawd.  If Bill cheat all day long, up one aisle and down the other on his wife, what the hell he gonna do to me—the voter he never met and don’t know—I’m gonna get screwed to the wall via his influence on his wife.  It tell me he only keep his word when it convenient.

Some of that ol’ Bill popped up this week.  He called my sweet Bernie “hermetically sealed from reality.”   That just brought back some real bad memories when Obama was gainin’ on Hillary in ‘08, and “he-who-can’t-keep-his-one-eyed-monster in his pants” went all racist on Obama.  Remember that?  When Ted Kennedy threw the Kennedy influence and weight behind Obama’s candidacy, do you know what racist thing Bubba said?

ME:        No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.

DM:       Clinton said ’bout takin’ Obama’s candidacy seriously:  “A few years ago, this guy (Obama) would have been carrying our bags.”  I was like, “Oh, hell to the no!  You goin’ down, Mofo.”  I just don’t trust the son-of-bitch . . . and now he and Hill tryin’ to do that to my Bernie.

ME:        So I gather you’re in the tank for Bernie?  You know he’s offered a lot of stuff that he can’t possible pay for—not to mention that he’ll never get anything done with that rabid Republican Congress.  If you think things are gridlocked now, the entire country will freeze in motion like a scene out of Frozen. Dalai Mama, are you being seduced by Bernie Sanders “heavenly promises”?

Bernie Advances on Clinton Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

DM:       No.  I’m just keepin’ my options open.  All I know is Hillary better watch her step.  I am a woman and I am Black, but it don’t mean I’m in the tank for her ’cause she be the first woman president.  Just ’cause I voted for her randy-ass husband doesn’t mean I’ll automatically vote for her.  She better woo me and move Bubba out of my sight line, or it is gonna be déjà vu Obama-time.  YOU BETTER NOT TAKE ME FOR GRANTED, HILLARY!

ME:        Okay!  Looks like you heard and saw a lot in New Hampshire.  Aren’t you exhausted?  Why don’t you come on home?

DM:       What do you think, Baby?  Of course I’m exhausted, but I can’t stop now.  South Carolina and Nevada here I come, along with the rest of the media hordes.  I can’t get enough of this shit.  Best reality show on the planet.  See you later, alligator.

ME:        Sigh!  After ‘while crocodile . . .

After New Hampshire Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons com

***

I am discovering that it is going to be a long, long spring, summer and fall until the Presidential election.  The more each politician talks, the more I wish they’d shut up because all of them are over-promising, or lying, and most of them have no freakin’ idea how hard this job is going to be.  The lack of integrity, humanity, good manners, and integrity oozes from most of their pores, but the more it does the less the voters seem to mind.  Yikes!

In the meantime, the media act like stoned groupies at a rock concert—screaming and fainting in adulation for his or her favorite politician—as if these men and women were messiahs.  The media pretty much ignore everything else going on in the world—including the pain and suffering of the most vulnerable and disenfranched in our country caused by hard-hearted, greedy politicians.  We are at their mercy—unfortunately.

Flint Crap Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

***

THOUGHT-PROVOKING QUOTES ABOUT POLITICIANS

“Many of the traits of character and leadership that Obama possesses, and that maybe we have taken too much for granted, have suddenly gone missing or are in short supply . . . Obama radiates an ethos of integrity, humanity, good manners and elegance that I’m beginning to miss, and that I suspect we will all miss a bit, regardless of who replaces him.”David Brooks [uber-Conservative Republican], The New York Times

“One of the reasons people hate politics is that truth is rarely a politician’s objective. Election and power are.”Cal Thomas

“If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.”H. L. Mencken

“Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.”Charles de Gaulle

***

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com except where otherwise noted

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (hardcopy and Kindle).

REFERENCE

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-sanders-projected-to-win-new-hampshire-primary/ar-BBpibN5?ocid=spartandhp

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/new-hampshire-trump-repeats-insult-from-crowd-member-calling-cruz-a-p/ar-BBphoep?ocid=spartandhp

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/10/us/politics/new-hampshire-voters.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=a-lede-package-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news&_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/09/opinion/i-miss-barack-obama.html?action=click&contentCollection=Politics&module=MostPopularFB&version=Full&region=Marginalia&src=me&pgtype=article

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/wp/2016/02/09/trumps-insult-against-cruz-isnt-as-vulgar-as-trump-himself/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-d%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on February 10, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

TRUMP GOT SCHLONGED (OOPS! I MEANT FIRED)!

Do you know what I discovered about the Iowa Caucus this year?  Who did Iowa have to sleep with to become the first major electoral event to pick the nominees for the Presidential run?  It has gotten out of hand and on my every last nerve!  They don’t even have a primary for Pete’s sake!  Their caucuses have some cutesy definition which means a “gathering of neighbors.”  Well, apparently these neighbors are predominantly white and 65% Born-again, Evangelical Christians, who don’t look like the rest of America (why not do the first Presidential caucuses in California, New York, or Florida?), thus making Iowa a Republican candidate’s wet dream.  Then mix that with the hysterical hype of the media (these people really need to get a life), and it must drive normal, level-headed Iowans nuts because it certainly has done so to me.

Iowa Caucus Crazies Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Only 3.4% of Iowans are Black, and what few of them that there are don’t tend to lean Republican.  I noticed that earlier on in the week.  I also noticed that as the Republican race narrowed down to two candidates—Trump and Cruz—I could barely sleep.  I’m not voting Republican this year (the field is way too nutty for my taste); I am just trying to make sure that the “right” Republican wins the nomination so the Democratic Presidential candidate can win in 2016.  Both Cruz and Trump seem hell bent on destroying the country and the GOP, so it is just a matter of which nut-case needs to rise to the top whose ass can be kicked by a Democrat.  One is a buffoon and the other is a mean son-of-a-bitch who believes that he is God’s Messiah sent to save our country.

Trump and Cruz Marian Kemensky Slovakia

Used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia

The problem that I’m having is that I am a Born-again Evangelical Christian (and Black) who is intelligent, sane, rational, loving, and caring.  I cherish science, I believe the Earth is in climate-change Hell, and I consider all humans my sisters and brothers who deserve my respect.  I am nothing like the people who caucused for Trump and Cruz, and there are many, many more like me—it’s just that we’re hardly ever given airtime.  The Trump and Cruz supporters’ blind stupidity scares the shit out of me.  It keeps me awake at night.  I’ll do my best to defeat them in the long run, but what could I do about Iowa?  I’m just a little ol’ chubby-ass retiree trying not to fall and break a hip.  I went to bed on Monday night wondering if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow or not in the morning, as well as what wingnut would win the Republican caucus, and how little control I had over either situation.

It was then I had a dream about a rodent.

Punxsutawney Phil earthsky dot org

Punxsutawney Phil Meme, via earthsky.org

That furry, fat rodent, Punxsutawney Phil appeared to me while I fitfully slept—tossing and turning—muttering a deep-seated prayer:  “Not the Trump, oh God, noooooo . . . have you no mercy!”

PUNX:   Psst . . . psst—hey human, wake up!  It’s me, Punxsutawney Phil.

ME:        Huh?  Punx?  Is that you?  What are you doing here?  Shouldn’t you be in Pennsylvania, and aren’t you a little early?

PUNX:   I heard you moaning in your sleep, and I just dropped by to tell you that I plan on not seeing my shadow on February 2nd— so not to worry.

ME:       What do you mean you plan on not seeing your shadow?  You’re rigging your coming out?  You can’t do that—that’s immoral.

PUNX:   What do you care?  By not seeing my shadow, you’ll get to have an early spring.  So be happy and rejoice.  Besides, ain’t nobody got time for this bogus, anti-science, shadow-seeing shit.  I need a purpose in my life besides being some fat guy’s pet.  So I’ve joined the political underground movement:  “Groundhogs against Trump—he’s stupid, he’s lazy, he’s a fool, and he’ll never be President.”  I’ve been in Iowa messing with the caucus outcome.  Have you heard the news—Trump got schlonged, and it’s all my doing!  I fired his ass!

ME:       Really, a rodent fired The Donald? Isn’t that a bit braggadocious?  I find your boast hard to believe.  Trump didn’t win Iowa?

Trump Gets Slonged John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Used for permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

PUNX:   Hell to the no, Trump didn’t win in Iowa!  And he’s sooooo pissed.  He’s spinning it here—he’s spinning it there—but the reality is he once said that if he didn’t win Iowa he would consider it “a big, fat, beautiful waste of time!”  But he came in second—he’s such a looooser!

Loser Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons com

Used by permission:  Taylor Jones, Politicalcartoons.com

ME:        Well, hot diggedy-dog!   But how did you affect this outcome?  May I remind you that you are a furry little animal—you don’t even have opposable thumbs!

PUNX:   We groundhogs have our ways—we’ve been messing with humans for years.  Will spring come early; will spring be delayed?   Let’s just say, I got up there and helped serve Trump his balls on a platter.

ME:        Impressive!  Well then, who came in first?  If you tell me that Ted Cruz did, I am going to go screaming into the night.  Even Trump is better than that mean-spirited, rod-up-the-ass, holier-than-thou, Ted Cruz!

PUNX:   Yes, Cruz came in first, but don’t you worry about him.  We’re forming another group for New Hampshire and beyond: “Groundhogs against Cruz—the meanest, nastiest, son-of-a-bitch that ever walked the Earth.”  I’ve rallied all my sisters and brothers against him.  We have a bone to pick with Cruz—him and his gun-tottin’-animal-killin’ self.  We’re the ones who started the whisper campaign that he is not a natural-born citizen.  The Constitution is going to bite him in the butt—you watch: (“No Person except a natural born Citizen . . . shall be eligible to the Office of President”).  Wouldn’t that be a hoot if Cruz got disqualified after the way he spread the vicious lies that President Obama wasn’t born in America?  Let’s see:  Hawaii vs. Calgary.  Which one belongs to another country?  Heh, heh, heh, heh!

Anyway, we groundhogs are marching all the way to New Hampshire to the thunderous chant of:

“Cruz was born in Canada/from Calgary he hailed/Too bad he didn’t stay there/ ‘cause we plan to see him fail!”

The groundhogs are on it, Babe!  We just needed to give you humans a little help by letting the gas out of that windbag, Trump.  Now you know that even the animals are disgusted with your Republican presidential candidates.  And you’re welcome!

Horrid Cruz

PUNX:   Well, gotta run.  Go back to sleep.  Don’t be afraid.  It is all going to work out.  See you in New Hampshire, Girlfriend.  Look out, Repubs—here we come—‘cause even us rodents have risen up against your craziness!

Groundhogs fleeing Iowa to NH RJ Matson Roll Call

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson, Roll Call

***

ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) MOMENT ABOUT TRUMP/CRUZ

I am discovering that sometimes I wish I did have the powers to awaken the entire Earth (animals, rocks, and trees included) to do my bidding like a war counsel from the Lord of the Rings.  I would use that power to course-correct the insanity coming out of the Republican candidates for President.  A world with either one of the top two Republican contenders in the White House—Trump or Cruz—will be a world engulfed in war, with civil rights abolished, healthcare destroyed, and women’s rights rolled back.  In fact, any of those Republican candidates would be horrifically painful—throwing us back into the 1950s.  What horrifies me is that there is a political force who are Evangelicals who claim to love God, and they are so fearful and deluded that they cannot see that neither Cruz nor Trump would be someone Jesus would condone. They actually think they are doing God’s will.  When I hear these candidates speak, they sound frighteningly similar to the radical Islam that they claim they want to protect our country from.

But I have no magical powers.  I only have my keyboard, my prayers, and a mother’s love that wants to leave a better world for my children and grandchildren.   Therefore, I will keep sounding the alarm until the morning after voting day in 2016.  In the words of Sister Joan Chittister, “When you don’t know what to do—do something.”  Maybe I’ll wake up enough people with my writing to turn the tide on them all (blind Evangelicals, hateful politicians, and corrupt presidential candidates).  Until then—on to New Hampshire!

The Press Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: The Press Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons.com

***

QUOTES ABOUT THE TWO WHO WOULD LOVE TO BE KING

“Who the heck is Donald Trump to fire me? I regret I didn’t tell Donald Trump, ‘You need to fire your barber. I’m sorry. I ain’t feeling you, man. You’re fired! I fire you, Donald Trump.’”Sinbad

Nobody could like Donald Trump, surely, except his mother. No one really likes The Donald. But how can you not have respect for a guy who’s been down on the floor and just keeps coming back? Nothing will keep Donald Trump down until they drive a wooden stake in his heart and a silver bullet in his brain.”Felix Dennis

“…Cruz’s speeches are marked by what you might call pagan brutalism. There is not a hint of compassion, gentleness and mercy. Instead, his speeches are marked by a long list of enemies, and vows to crush, shred, destroy, and bomb them. When he is speaking in a church the contrast between the setting and the emotional tone he sets is jarring.”David Brooks/The Brutalism of Ted Cruz/NYTimes

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).

REFERENCES

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/all-donald-trump-does-is-win-%e2%80%93-until-he-doesnt-now-what-happens/ar-BBp1Wgf?ocid=spartandhp

http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/02/opinions/republican-iowa-results-stanley/index.html

http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/02/politics/new-york-daily-news-donald-trump/index.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/02/trolls-and-nazis-mourn-trump-loss.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/01/donald-trump-the-hater-is-now-a-loser.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/just-how-dumb-does-donald-trump-think-americans-are/2016/02/01/6de4e37e-c927-11e5-a7b2-5a2f824b02c9_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-f%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/ben-carson-accuses-ted-cruz-of-using-dirty-tricks-to-win-iowa/ar-BBp1Mmw?ocid=spartandhp

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

 

 
6 Comments

Posted by on February 3, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

THE PALIN (“Nevermore”)

A cynical poem, ripped off, truncated, and bastardized (as only this blogger can do) from the illustrious Edgar Allan Poe’s narrative poem “The Raven”—first published in 1845.

Palin and Trump I David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission:  David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle Cartoons

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

O’er GOP’S death to civil right’s lore—

    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of someone caustically rapping, flapping at my chamber door.

“’Tis some sweet, dear friend,” I muttered, “banging at my chamber door—

            Only this and nothing more.”

January 22, 2016

January 22, 2016

Cartoon used by permission:  Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News/Cagle Cartoons 

    Ah, distinctly I remember it was one month after December;

And each dying ember wrought a GOP politician crashing to the floor.

    Eagerly I wished to borrow—vainly from my hope for tomorrow

    Because of the past few months of sorrow—sorrow for America’s GOP horror—

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named “U.S. of Merkica”—

            Nameless here for evermore.

Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star-Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

    And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain

Thrilled me—filled me with political terrors never felt before;

    So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating

    “’Tis a visitor of hope maybe entreating entrance at my chamber door—

Some late person of intelligence entreating entrance on the GOP political floor;—

            THIS IT IS and nothing more.”

    Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,

“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;

    But the fact is I was napping, and so raucaously you came rapping,

    And so cacaphonously you came screeching, rapping at my chamber door,

That I know even Russia heard you”—here I opened wide the door;—

            But saw vapidness there and nothing more.

Sarah Palin I Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission:  Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch/Cagle Cartoons 

    Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;

    But the screeching was unbroken, and the craziness gave no token,

    And the only words there spoken were the shouted words: “I’M HERE, YOU LIBERAL WHORES!!”

Then I screamed, and an echo murmured forth the words, “OH SHIT! THE BITCH IS BACK!”—

            Said I merely this—and nothing more.

Sarah and Trump II John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission:  John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri/Cagle Cartoons

    Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,

In there stepped a crazy maven of the nutty days of yore;

    Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;

    But, with stupid mien of religious crazy, perched above my chamber door—

Perched upon a bust of Obama just above my chamber door—

            Perched, and shat, and nothing more.

    Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so grossly,

Though its answers little meaning—little relevancy bore;

    For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being

    Ever was soooo stupid perched upon my chamber door—

Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above perched this scary sore,

            With such a nickname as “Trump’s New Boor.”

Palin support John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  John Cole, The Scranton Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

    But the Raven (Sarah Palin), standing alongside Herr Trump, spoke much

Gibber-jabber, as if her soul in those words she did outpour:

*“How ’bout the rest of us? Right-wingin’, bitter clingin’, proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religions, and our Constitution. Tell us that we’re not red enough? Yeah, coming from the establishment. Right.”

*“Well, and then, funny, ha ha, not funny, but now, what they’re doing is wailing, ‘Well, Trump and his, uh, uh, uh, Trumpeters, they’re not conservative enough.’ ”

*“And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea, well, he deciding that, ‘No, America would apologize as part of the deal,’ as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow, and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, ‘Thank you, enemy.’ ”

*“He is from the private sector, not a politician. Can I get a ‘Hallelujah!’ ”

    Nothing sensical did she utter—not a brain cell did she flutter—

    Till I scarcely more than muttered, “WHAT THE FUCK DID TRUMP DEPLOY?—

On the morrow SP must leave us, as my Hopes have flown before.”

            Then the bird said, “Drill, Baby, Drill; bitch—going nowhere, nevermore.”

Palin Speak Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission:  Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star-Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

       Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer

Swung by demons whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.

    “Wretch,” I cried, “Satan hath sent thee—by his demons he hath lent thee

    Old man McCain unleashed thee 2008 of yester yore;

Curse him, curse him—go back to Alaska and return no more!”

Screamed I, in hysteria:  “BEGONE, DEMON—FOREVERMORE!”

    “Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—

“Get thee back into the tempest and the night’s Alaskan shore!

    Leave no black plume as a token of the lies thy soul hath spoken!

    Leave our 2016 unbroken!—quit the bust above my door!

Take thy beak from U.S. ‘Merika’s heart, and take thy form from off my door!”

            Screamed my soul, “FOREVERMORE.”

Sarah and Trump Milt Priggee www miltpriggee com

Cartoon used by permission:  Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com /Cagle Cartoons

    And The Palin, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

On the bust of the Prez just above my chamber door;

    And her eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,

    And the lamp-light o’er her streaming throws her shadow on the floor;

And my soul from out the shadow that lies floating on the floor

            Is in mourning for my country, and its future

‘Til this trumpet vanishes with her Trumpee—

out the door,

FOR-EV-ER-MOOOOORE!

Trump Mouth Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission:  Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons.com/Cagle Cartoons

 

*All actual Sarah Palin quotes, which were uttered (word for word) by her when she endorsed Trump for president in Iowa.  Be afraid . . . be very afraid, and WAKE UP AMERICA!  Any candidate who welcome’s Sarah Palin’s endorsement and allegedly proposes to give her a position in his cabinet must be looney tunes. 

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)?  ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
14 Comments

Posted by on January 25, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 723 other followers