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AMERICANS: WE BE “CRAY-CRAY”

Do you know what I discovered this week? The term “cray-cray.”

CRAY-CRAY: Stemming from the term ‘crazy,’ when referring to someone as ‘cray-cray,’ signifies their craziness to a whole other level.

The ultimate second power of crazy.

This person can either be insane in the brain.

Or simply, TOO DOWN—to the point where it’s not even cool anymore.”—Urban Dictionary

I have no idea whether anyone uses this expression anymore. I called Baby-girl (the harbinger of all things that are culturally au courant to keep her mother from bringing shame on the family name), but I was unable to get a hold of her.  Therefore, I am going to use the word anyway because I came across all sorts of mess in America this week that can only be defined as “the ultimate second power of crazy.”

Cray Cray No One Meme

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There were so many over-the-top “cray-cray” stories in the news this week that I fantasized about holding a contest to choose a Miss or Mr. America Cray-Cray. Imagine, if you will, a pageant for the Cray-Cray Award of the week—taken straight from the headlines. Every American would be eligible for it—all you’d have to do is something outlandishly stupid. Once the king or queen was crowned, we could send them on a national tour for a year as a roving example of being an exception to American Exceptionalism. Maybe after a few gazillion of these tours, we Americans would start to get the point that we are not just all about ourselves, but that we are our brothers’ keepers, and to be exceptional we must embody humility, integrity, and brotherly love.

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THE FIRST (SOON TO BECOME WEEKLY) AMERICAN CRAY-CRAY PAGEANT

HOST: THE DALAI MAMA (ALTER EGO OF E. TOMCZYK, THE WRITER)

DM:       Welcome one and all to the first weekly “American Cray-Cray” pageant. First off, let me clarify that y’all couldn’t have picked a better host because I’ve been cray-cray since day one. My mama was cray-cray, and so was her mama before her. Let’s just say, I knows my cray-cray when I sees it, and although I try to keep it under control, but by the grace of God go I.

Well, without further ado, let us proceed. Our first contestant that was brought to us by this week’s news is Mr. Police Department (a.k.a. Mr. Po-Po) from Ferguson, Missouri. His talent is racism married with strong-arming and police brutality.

Ferguson Rick McKee  The Augusta Chronicle

Used by Permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

DM:       Mr. Po-Po of Ferguson, the stakes are pretty high this week. What makes you confident that you can take first prize in our American Cray-Cray pageant?

PO:        Hey, call us by our street name: The Ganstas of Ferguson. We are exceptional Americans because if “you be Black,” you will be twice as likely to be fined, locked up, and have the key to your cell thrown away (unless you can come up with triple the charge to get your sorry-ass out of jail). What we are most proud of is the Justice Department was able to prove that since 2012, we have made more money (exceeding our departmental budget) than expected because of the funding provided from locking you people up and charging you for the privilege of doing so. Not to mention, we have the best racist emails in police department history (that really ought to count for something). I really like the one that depicts Obama as a chimp and Michelle Obama naked from the waist up dancing like an African Zulu at her graduation (Photo shopping her head on a National Geo pic was awesome!). God, I love our department’s sense of humor. You’ve got to see the email joke about a man trying to put his dogs on welfare because they were mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no clue who their daddies are—simply priceless! On the other hand, we have a real heart for justice. Oh yes, we do! If someone like your White husband lived within our boundaries, and he got a parking or traffic ticket, the Justice Department showed ample proof that we would treat him like the true American he is and quickly make that sucker go away because we give exceptional service to people who look like us. Just ask any White person in town—especially if they are our friends and relatives. I deserve to win the Mr. American Cray-Cray crown just for showing favoritism to our White citizens.

DM:       Boy, you better be glad I know Jesus because I’d take that racist Billy club of yours and beat the cray-cray shit out of you. Now, go on over there and get out of my sight. I’m gonna need a shower in bleach after that interview. (Help me, Jesus!)

dwigh -schrute meme generator

DM:       Our next contestant is the elitist dating website: beautifulpeople.com. Her talent is being a hater. She takes a dollop of disdain, mixes it with contempt, and stirs in an ocean of rejection. Ms. Beautifulpeople.com, why do you think you should win the American Cray-Cray crown this week? You’re not even an American company; you’re from Denmark. You foreigners are always coming over here trying to steal our jobs.

BP:         No, we are not Americans, that’s true. But Americans use our website more than any other country. We currently have 1,457 USA members. And Americans take us much more seriously than France or Australia for instance. We have stringent rules about beauty compliance. In order to be able to join our website, the rest of the beautiful members must vote you in:

1) Beautiful______

2) Hmmmm, OK_______

3) No________

4) Absolutely not_______

BP:         I can tell you right now that you’d never make it, kiddo—so stay married. Plus, you’re much too old, and we don’t accept that many Black people.

DM:       Thanks for nothing, Biotch. I can see that your talent is shallowness as well. Why do you think you deserve to win the crown for Ms. American Cray-Cray?

BP:         Because we’re the best at making people feel like crap! Not only that, we massively purge people from our website if they don’t keep up to par with our beauty standards. We just purged 3,000 people for getting fat (not really fat you understand cause we don’t do fat people, but slightly chubby), and we’ve rejected 8 million people for being “ugly” since our launch in 2003. It’s so awesome to see people’s reactions. An American girl, Tawnie B., got kicked off for being too plain, too flat chested, and too nondescript. She went under the surgeon’s knife, here, there, and everywhere and came back with a vengeance. She’s our star client. She has a new nose, a sculpted chin, blue contact lenses, a pair of breasts that are the size of large cantaloupes (hers formerly looked like kiwis), blond hair extensions, and a 10 pound weight loss (although the cantaloupes added 7 pounds, but we let that slide for the good of the cause). You should see her now—looks like a human Barbie doll! She loves our website and is our biggest champion for keeping up our strict standards.

Online Dating Dan Pizarro

Cartoonist: Dan Piraro http://www.bizarro.com

DM:       Lord have mercy—Heaven, help us! Child, get back in line. Next!

Mr. Bill O’Reilly from Fox News—come to the front of the stage, please.

BO:        Here I am front and center, Dalai Mama. What a pleasure. You know that I was the Mr. Olympia winner in 1965 in NYC, don’t you? I was as big as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Lou Ferrigno at one time. Arnold won the title seven times through the years, and I won it six times. I would have tied with Gov. Schwarzenegger, but I had to cover the war in Viet Nam, and go on to win the Purple Heart for saving my platoon during a typhoon.

DM:       Bullshit, O’Reilly. I got your number—had it for a long time. I don’t need to ask you why you think you deserve the American Cray-Cray crown. I’ve been following the news. It is very obvious. You’ve been lying through your teeth regarding just about everything. And you really tried to crucify Brian Williams for exaggerating just a few things. You, the star of Fox News. Do you know if I had a dollar for every time a Christian told me that the only media they watch is Bill O’Reilly on Fox News because Fox News is “fair and balanced” and tells the truth, I’d be a very rich woman? And you’re nasty, too! Did you actually tell a reporter he was in “your kill zone” because he exposed your copious lies?   And did you really tell a New York Times reporter that you would come after her with “everything I’ve got,” if her follow-up story did not please you? By the way, did anybody ever tell you that you’re a horrid individual? Go on back in line, you nasty-ass blowhard.

Bill OReilly David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

DM:       And now, who are you? Your name’s not on the line-up list.

ME:        Dalai, don’t your recognize me? It’s ET—your alter ego, and the author of this blog and the book Monsters’ Throwdown.

DM:       Oh, hey Girlfriend. I’m so overwrought that I didn’t recognize you. What you doin’ in this pageant?

ME:        I decided to enter the pageant for the Cray-Cray crown because I am losing my mind. I think I deserve the cray-cray recognition. I’m trying to finish my second book, put my house up for sale now that WW has announced his retirement, and move and buy a new house in a completely different town all before May or I fall apart—whichever comes first. I’m on the final chapter of my book (Fleeing Oz), we’ve denuded the house of all personality so that potential buyers can “see themselves living in it with their shit,” and I am sorting through a gazillion houses in our new town—hoping to make the right decision—all while trying to launch a book. This is our last home purchase. It’s got to be fabulous with great neighbors. The next time I move after this move, it will be to roll into an old folks’ home or my grave. I must be cray-cray to have willingly put all this pressure on my shoulders in such a short time frame. What was I thinking?

DM:       No, you’re not cray-cray. You’re “shib cray,” which means you’re bat-shit crazy, Girlfriend! Ha!

ME:        Maybe you’re right. Although I think that title should be reserved for the two American women from Los Angeles who are in line behind me. [Whispering] They were caught carving their initials in the Coliseum in Rome the other day and taking selfies of the damage. Can you believe it? Now that is “shib cray.”

DM:       Yep, I think you might be right, my friend. Well, since I’m the only judge of this pathetic pageant, let’s end this nightmare and go get a drink.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:

The 3rd place winner of the American Cray-Cray pageant is: LA women who defaced Coliseum

The runner up is: Bill O’Reilly of Fox News (although he’ll probably lie and say he took 1st place)

And the winner is (drum roll, please): Mr. Po-Po of Ferguson, Missouri ‘cause nobody believes the shit they did to the citizens of Ferguson could be happening in America in the year 2015 (being the exceptional country that we are).

DM:       Good night everybody, safe travels, and stay tuned for next week’s American Cray-Cray pageant. We already have a front runner who recently trampled all over our American ideals:

SAE Milt Priggee www miltpriggee com

Cartoon Used by Permission: SAE | Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com

DM:       The SAE fraternity of the University of Oklahoma is proud to announce that they believe their well-rehearsed racist chant (see below) on a party bus with tuxedo-clad white brothers and their cocktail-clad dates should cinch first place. Judge for yourselves, and let’s all hope we can get their parents to attend the pageant. They will be so proud—for surely it must have been their upbringing that made these White boys act so horribly and without a shred of sensitivity or compassion.

“There will never be a nigger SAE. There will never be a nigger SAE. You can hang him from a tree, but he will never sign with me. There will never be a nigger SAE.”

DM:      Cheers, my fellow citizens!  Here’s to American Exceptionalism! 

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I am discovering that we Americans really love to think of ourselves as extraordinary—American Exceptionalism, I think the Republicans call it. But we are all a little cray-cray and need to keep ourselves under control. I actually believe that my rags to riches life, as portrayed in my memoir (Monsters’ Throwdown), couldn’t have happened in any other country than America, and that is exceptional. (What would have been cray-cray on my part is if I hadn’t showed up for the opportunities presented, and walked through the doors kicked open by those heroes who went before me.) What we have provided as a nation regarding opportunities, education, democracy, freedom, and human rights is damn exceptional, except when it isn’t. Our nation’s exceptionalism gets flushed down the toilet the minute we allow bigotry, selfishness, lying, manipulation, arrogance, hatred, greed, apathy, laziness, and the desire to trample upon the love of our fellowman for our own personal, self-centered gains to own us. When that happens—we’re no longer exceptional, we’re all just “shib cray—bat-shit crazy!”

Exceptionalism is the perception that a country, society, institution, movement, or time period is ‘exceptional’ (i.e., unusual or extraordinary) in some way and thus does not need to conform to normal rules or general principles.”—Wikipedia

“Goodness is about character – integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people.”—Dennis Prager

“If everyone were clothed with integrity, if every heart were just, frank, kindly, the other virtues would be well-nigh useless.”—Moliere

Author Going Cray Cray Boo Tomczyk

Evidence of Author finally losing it after hearing about Ferguson Po-Po and the SAE from U of O!—Meme by “Boo Tomczyk”

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WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

REFERENCES

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2980740/Elitist-dating-website-beautiful-people-ditches-THREE-THOUSAND-users-piled-pounds-aged-gracelessly-500-Britons.html

http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/03/The-Gangsters-Of-Ferguson/386893/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/erik-wemple/wp/2015/03/09/ex-fox-newser-tells-cnn-that-oreilly-has-lied-so-many-times/?hpid=z5

http://www.salon.com/2015/03/09/bill_oreillys_sick_pathology_why_his_systematic_lying_is_even_worse_than_reported/

http://www.cnn.com/2015/03/09/travel/tourists-arrested-rome-colosseum/index.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/03/10/oklahoma-s-racist-frat-is-very-not-ok.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on March 10, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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LIVING LIKE YOU’RE DYING

Do you know what I discovered about life this week? I don’t want to live past 89. IMHO, just like nothing good happens after midnight—nothing good happens after 89 years old either. The body takes a significant and rapid decline toward the check-out point in your 90s, and basically you’re just biding time on some slow-moving treadmill toward the exit sign. This thought process started when the heroine (my mentor) in my memoir, Monsters’ Throwdown, called me this week and said: “Hello Darling! I hope your book is selling well, because I just discovered I’m going to outlive my money. I never expected to live this long; I sure hope you can help.”   Helping my mentor in the latter stages of her life is not an issue—I owe her my life. But it got me thinking about my own journey. About how much time might be left on the clock, and if given the opportunity would I use the remaining time properly. I’ve got a couple of decades before I reach her perch.

My main problem is I am at a loss with how to navigate that Zen-like state needed to traverse the next twenty years or so. My mentor has always been able to do so with much grace (think of her as a cross between Maya Angelou and Eleanor Roosevelt). She is the definition of inner peace. But I am not there yet. From time to time, I can be like a tilt-a-whirl ride that has broken off its bearings in mid-tilt and spun off into outer space.

Inner peace

Animal Memes—quickmeme.com

It was with these thoughts rolling around in my heart and mind (mixed with a glass of mulled wine to ward off this freakin’ cold) that I went to bed last night thinking about living a wiser life—perhaps to dream. In my dream I entered a castle in the sky with a sign over the entrance that said: “Enter here, all ye who seek inner peace.” When I came across a large reception area, I went in, sat down, and picked up a booklet entitled, “7 Highly Effective Steps to Inner Peace.” When I opened the pamphlet, there was the definition of inner peace on the left and seven steps to achieve it on the right.

“Inner peace (or peace of mind) refers to a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress. Being ‘at peace’ is considered by many to be healthy (homeostasis) and the opposite of being stressed or anxious.”Wikipedia—the Free Encyclopedia

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SEVEN STEPS TO INNER PEACE

Release anger

Face your fears/Trust God

Choose wise companions/kick to the curb those that piss you off

Forgive

Let go of worry and things you can’t control/Live in the now

Cherish love

Embrace gratitude on daily basis

As I sat there trying to fully digest this information, a stunningly beautiful brown-skinned woman engulfed in a luminescent aura glided into the room and stood in front of me. Her age was nonspecific, but she looked a great deal like Lena Horne when she played Glinda the Good Witch in The Wiz.

Lena as Glinda the Good Witch The Wiz

Lena Horne as Glinda the Good Witch (The Wiz) Universal Pictures

ME:        Oh, my God, has anyone ever told you that you are a perfect doppelgänger for Glinda the Good Witch?

REST:     Yeah, I get that a lot. My name is Rest, and I’m really just your garden variety guardian angel. Why are you here? Is it to complain about the historic freeze that has engulfed your country? Because if you are, I don’t want to hear it. I am not responsible, and I’m tired of hearing you humans whine about something neither you nor I can control. My powers exist only in a limited capacity.

Praying for Snow

ME:        No, but now that you mention it—I HATE THIS WEATHER! Talk about taking away any inner peace a body could muster. I’m fucking freezing to death.

REST:     Well, look at the bright side—at least you don’t live in Boston, so let it go my friend and purchase an electric blanket! If I’ve learned anything about things you can’t control, you just have to shake ‘em off.

ME:        That’s fine for you to say. You live in Heaven—in Perfectionville. Try living on Earth sometime and see how taxing it is. We bitches be crazy, and because of that craziness, I have real issues that block my ability to garner inner peace. I want my next couple of decades to be stellar. I don’t want anything to knock me for a loop.

REST:     Okay, I’ll play along for a while. What else robs your inner peace?

ME:        Fear of the unpredictable—the unknown. Haven’t you noticed how at any moment, at any time, you can be attacked by unseen forces (viruses, bacterial infections, ISIS, Ebola, home invaders, muggers, nasty-ass ex-friends on Facebook, getting killed for walking while Black, or much, much worse)? A couple of years ago, I got parasites from eating sushi, and I had them forever before I even knew they had moved in and set up shop in my gut. It was so disgusting. By the time I realized what was going on, three generations of them had been born and established colonies. If I can get parasites without knowing it, what else can get me?

REST:     Hmm, fear of the unknown? I say shake it off! Deal with it if it comes upon you, but otherwise just ignore it. Why worry about something that you can’t see and can’t control. Poo-poo occurs baby. That’s life, and worrying about it will not keep the worms at bay. Now, you could stop eating sushi. Personally, I don’t touch the stuff because what self-respecting Black person eats raw fish?

Peace of Mind memeinternet dot com

ME:        You really aren’t helping. Are you making fun of me?

REST:     No, dear. But if you want to live the next couple of decades in inner peace with your surroundings, you must have a sense of humor. There is still so much you don’t know as a human that could kill you. Why worry about it? What else robs you of a quiet spirit?

ME:        Anxiety over the resurgence of racism in the world to such a degree that we have another Holocaust or we roll back into another Jim Crow-type era and my kids are robbed of their liberty. Anxiety over terrorism washing up on our shores again. (Did you hear about the threats against the Mall of America? That’s where one of my kid’s lives.)  And, oh, my God, our inability to let go of the worship of guns. That keeps me awake every other night. Recently, three beautiful Muslim students got assassinated in their home in Chapel Hill, North Carolina by their neighbor, and we’re calling it everything except what the problem truly is: our obsession with guns!

Guns Chapel Hill John Cole ncpolicywatch com

Used by permission: John Cole ncpolicywatch.com, Cagle Cartoons

REST:     Yeah, I hear you. You people really are nuts about the gun thing, aren’t you? Personally, I don’t see the fascination. And it doesn’t look like it is going to get solved anytime soon—possibly not even in your lifetime given the American proclivities.

ME:        But if it doesn’t get solved in my lifetime, then when?

REST:     Your children will have to solve it, I guess. I don’t mean yours alone, but the baby-boomers’ children in general.

ME:        That, my dear Angel of Rest is unacceptable. And don’t you dare tell me to “shake it off or let it go,” or I’ll pummel your ass. I can’t let this go. I worry about my grandson growing up in a land where guns are so prevalent. I worry about my grandson, period! I’m frightened for his future as a young Black man in a land that has incarcerated more black youths than were enslaved on Southern plantations at the beginning of the Civil War. Did you know the modern American “for profit” prison system is being called the “New Slavery?”

While I’m on the subject, I am also dealing with anger issues. I’m angry that I spent 40 plus years in a conservative wing of Christianity that has become the back-bone of the Tea Party and is the force of racism coursing through the Republican Party. I’m angry that when people make racist attacks against our President, question his faith, and question his love for our country, that so few of the politicians and ministers who claim to be “Christians” stand up against the defamation of a good man. They don’t have to agree with his policies, but that doesn’t have to underscore their racist beliefs that our President—our first Black President—is the Anti-Christ and is leading us toward Armageddon. According to them, everything—from this nationwide freeze to the Seattle Seahawks losing the Super Bowl—is Barack Obama’s fault. Sometimes I am so ashamed to be a Christian, I could just scream. In fact, I’m seriously thinking of becoming a Buddhist who loves Jesus.

Giuliani start John Cole The Scranton Times-Tribune

Used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune, Cagle Cartoons

REST:     Babe, I hope this doesn’t sound racist, but I think a Black Republican is an oxymoron. In any case, you’ve really got to tear up what that jerk Giuliani said—flush it down the toilet, and truly shake it off. Even in the angelic world we know that ol’ Rudy is just jealous (it’s eating him into oblivion) that he lost to the Black man in 2008. Rudy thought he deserved the presidency—after all, he was the only one so profoundly affected by 9-11—the rest of you were merely onlookers. The Angelic Corps often shake our heads at his irrelevance and stupidity.

Anyway, my child, I have an exercise that may help you find inner peace over the next two decades. (As to when you will actually check out for your own “Homecoming,” that is between you and God.)

Imagine that you are dying tomorrow. Of all the fears, anxieties, and worries you’ve told me about, which of them is out of your control, which of them is not a possibility of happening within the next 24 hours, which of them is something that is out of your sphere of influence and must be left to the next generation to handle, and which of them should you join with others to fight the good fight today. In all of it, embrace a spirit of gratitude, and thank the good Lord for all that you have in spite of all the Rudy Giuliani Neanderthals and ugliness in the world. May I suggest a book that might help? It is called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I haven’t read it myself, but I was watching Oprah the other day, and she highly recommended it for Nervous Nellies like you.

ME:        I suppose I should thank you, my Glinda the Good Witch doppelgänger. That’s good advice. Speaking of books, I’m almost finished with my second book that deals with escaping Right-wing Christianity and becoming a born-again liberal. It’s called Fleeing Oz. I think once I get that book out there this spring, I’ll be able to “fight the good fight” with my writing. I want it to be to the demolition of the bigotry and intolerance of Right-wing Christianity what Harriet Beecher Stowe’s Uncle Tom’s Cabin was to the abolition of slavery—only done with humor.

REST:     Seems like a good idea to me. Remember, through it all: Live as if you were dying tomorrow, Sweet pea! Because we’re only guaranteed “now.” Gotta run. I hear it’s going to snow again tonight. I think I’ll head on down to Puerto Rico.  St. Peter tells me that it’s going to be sunny and 85 degrees all week. See you when you finally cross over, kiddo.  Good luck!

February 21, 2015

Used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News, Cagle Cartoons

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“I think it’s nice to age gracefully. OK, you lose the youth, a certain stamina and dewy glow, but what you gain on the inside as a human being is wonderful: the wisdom, the acceptance and the peace of mind. It’s a fair exchange.”Cherie Lunghi

“Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.”—Pope Paul VI

“Love and peace of mind do protect us. They allow us to overcome the problems that life hands us. They teach us to survive… to live now… to have the courage to confront each day.”—Bernie Siegel

“We are bombarded on all sides by a vast number of messages we don’t want or need. More information is generated in a single day than we can absorb in a lifetime. To fully enjoy life, all of us must find our own breathing space and peace of mind.”—James E. Faust

Quotations courtesy of www.brainyquote.com

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WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on February 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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EVERYBODY LIES

Do you know what I discovered after meditating on the downfall of Brian Williams last week? Everybody lies! There is not a single human being who has ever lived, is living, or will live that won’t lie at some point in their lives—probably multiple times—maybe even daily, if the truth be known. We all live in glass houses when it comes to lying and, although I will admit some of us are worse than others, let he who has no sin cast the first stone.

Brian Williams confession David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

One of the problems is that lying is in our DNA.   We lie to exaggerate our importance in a situation so that we come off better or more heroic than we are (James “A Million Little Pieces” Fey); we lie to win (Lance “sorry I got caught” Armstrong); we lie to not get punished (any child on the planet); we lie to cover up our sins (the Catholic “we don’t have a sexual abuse problem here” Church); we lie to become famous (Milli “we lip-synced” Vanilli); we lie to cover up infidelity (Bill “I never had sex with that woman” Clinton); we lie to embellish our resumes (Paul “caught lying about his college record” Rand); we lie just because we can (Tiger “I can do no wrong” Woods), and we lie to get our own way (every human on the planet). Lying is as human as eating, sleeping, and having sex. I know because I was there when it all started.

Brian punching out Hitler Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Used by permission Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Once upon a time at the dawn of man, I was strolling through a gorgeous garden waiting to have a chat with the owner in the cool of the day when I heard Him call out a couple of names: “Adam . . . Eve, where are you, chickadees? I thought we’d hang out tonight, grab some supper with a friend of mine, and chat about which animals you named what today. I’m still cracking up over the name ‘Axolotl’ and ‘Aye-aye.’ What a hoot!”

There was a significant pause and then an almost imperceptible sound as two trembling voices were heard coming from behind the rhododendrons, “WE’RE HIDING FROM YOU, LORD.”

“Why are you hiding?” asked God. “The only other person here is Eleanor, the Blogger, and whatever you say in front of me you can say in front of her. She’s one of my favorite peeps.”

“We’re hiding because we are ashamed,” said Adam.

“Ashamed?” replied God. “What do you have to be ashamed about? You are living in perfection, and you are totally innocent.”

“We’re ashamed because we are naked,” shrieked Eve. “And Adam keeps staring at my ta-tas and my who-ha as if his eyes and tongue are going to fall out of his head, which he never did before today. Then there is that springy snake-like thing hanging from his lower body that I never paid any attention to before, which used to just dangle there, but now it is saluting me. I’ve got to tell you it’s pretty gross. I’d like to know what that is, thank you very much.”

“Wait a minute, Eve, who told you that you were naked?” asked God. “Adam, have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

Adam said, “ME, why are you picking on me? She’s the problem. It wasn’t my fault. This woman you put here with me—SHE gave me some fruit from the tree, and made me eat it. SHE kept saying, ‘Try it; it will be fun.’  If it hadn’t been for ‘that woman,’ I’d be going on about my business without a care in the world right now.”

“Ooooh, Adam, you are so busted,” I said. “Blame it on the woman, you balless wonder. Eve is never going to let you live this down—she’s going to make your life a living hell for throwing her under the bus.”

Adam and Eve Meme

“The serpent lied to me, and I ate the fruity thing in the middle of the garden,” said Eve rather petulantly. “At first I wasn’t going to because you said we would die if we did, but then ol’ sneaky snake over there said, ‘Go on, God knows you won’t die, but when you eat of it your eyes will be opened—you’ll be like God, able to know good from evil.’ So when I bit into the fruit and didn’t die, I thought, ‘oh well, looks like God didn’t really tell me the truth, now did he?’ You see, I’m still alive, right?” said a slightly irritated Eve. “The only thing that changed is I noticed the one-eyed monster hanging off the lower part of Adam’s body seemed to be up to no good.”

“Oy, Eve—what have you done—do you not understand metaphor?” asked an exasperated God. “I was really looking forward to an uneventful evening and a delightful dinner. But since you both chose to disobey my orders and lie to my face in front of my friend, I have no choice but to ‘bring it’ against you two.  So here’s how it’s going down from now on. ET, the Blogger, take notes for posterity. You can call it Genesis if you like and publish it for generations to come.

Sneaky Snake, you are cursed above all livestock and all wild animals. You will crawl on your belly and eat dust all the days of your life. Uh, uh, zip it! Don’t even attempt to say a word. That’s what you get for lying to the kids. Also, I’m declaring war between you and the woman, and the woman’s children will constantly crush your head under their feet.

Eve, I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with pain you will give birth to children. What’s childbearing, you ask? You’ll soon find out. Hint: Beware of Adam’s one-eyed monster. And stop whimpering! You should have thought about the repercussions before you lied, Child. Didn’t I tell you that you would die? You thought I meant, literally, didn’t you? But when you’re in the midst of squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole that is the circumference of a grape, not only will you feel like you’re dying but you’re gonna want to kill Adam because of it. Mark my words. And as an added bonus your libido is going to kick in, and you will want to please your husband, but because you coerced him into disobedience, he will lord his position over you, and women across the Earth throughout the end of time will want to wring your neck for the situation they’ve inherited from you. This was not my original plan, but there you have it.  I created you both in my image—equal partners—but now everything is all screwy.

Adam and Eve II Bill Schorr Cagle Cartoons

Used by permission: Bill Schorr, Cagle Cartoons

Adam, because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree which I told you not to, and then blamed your action born out of your own free will on her (come on son, that was really low), the very ground is cursed because of you; getting food from the ground will be as painful as having babies is for your wife. You will be working in pain all your life long. It will be nothing but work, work, work, work, work, work, work. Gone are those glory days of Eden where everything was easy-peasy and all fun and games. Consequently, women will outlive men on an average of five years or so. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? Can we go back to the drawing board—start all over—get me a new woman?” said the penitent Adam.

“Not on your life!” replied an agitated God. “’Don’t touch or you will die,’ means exactly that. This realm of life is now dead to you.  The rest of the details of your punishment can be picked up from my executive assistant after I kick your butts out of my perfect garden. (Take that nasty-behind snake with you, as well.) And don’t think you’re going to be able to get back in when life gets hard, and you think I’m not paying attention. I plan to station a couple of angels at the gate to stand guard. If you’re going to make adult choices by doing your own thing and then lying about it, then it is time you made your own way in the world and deal with the consequences. Now hold still while I shear a couple of sheep and whip you up some clothes to cover up your bits and pieces now that you know you’re naked. You two haven’t been on Earth more than a half a second, and you’ve already caused an eternity of trouble.”

“Kids—you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them,” said the disgruntled and rather sad God to me. “Come along, Eleanor, the Blogger, I’m going to have to school you on what type of world you’ll inherit due to the first sin of mankind: lying. Sorry to inform you that you and your female counterparts are going to have a rough go of it because of today’s shenanigans. It can’t be helped, but you’ll figure out how to overcome it—of that I’m sure. And hang on to your hat Baby, because if I know anything about the men I’ve created, murder will soon follow as the second act.”

ET THE BLOGGER’S DIARY NOTE ON ‘THE FALL OF MAN’—4000 BC: That is when I first realized that mankind couldn’t handle the truth. I was there—I should know.

***

Tell the Truth

***

I am discovering that but by the grace of God go us all. I must confess that I have a tendency to lie because I am a natural-born storyteller and an actress. People who are writers and actors often blur the line between fantasy and reality. If I don’t assiduously monitor my behavior, I will lie when I don’t want to face harsh criticism (definitely a leftover from my psychotic childhood), and I will lie when I want to be accepted by people who usually don’t mean a hill of beans to me and aren’t worth the paper they are judging me on (my therapist and I are still working on that one). My lies may not be tall tales like Brian’s, but that is because I don’t live on as high a plane as he does. It’s all relative. I actually feel kind of bad for the dude, because his most vocal critics (Fox News and breitbart.com, and the like) practically invented lying to the public, but you wouldn’t know it by how sanctimonious they’ve been over poor Brian’s demise.

What I found fascinating about the stories on Brian’s downfall was not so much that he lied, but that he blew through the warning signs that would have course-corrected him and kept him from falling into the liar’s abyss—probably would have saved him from what will most likely be his undoing as a journalist. Upon reading several articles on the subject, I learned that it has been suggested Brian Williams is deeply insecure and no matter how high he has risen career-wise, he has the pressing need to dazzle because he never feels quite good enough. Other dime-store psychologists have suggested that Mr. Williams thought he was too big to fail ($10M/year salary and a high muckety-muck position at NBC News), while others have implied that Brian surrounded himself with “yes men and women”—no one had the courage to tell him the truth if they disagreed with his perspective about what he was doing—they couldn’t tell him “no.”   That’s too bad. Courageous Truth Sayers in our lives are the only antidote against a lying spirit. If Brian Williams is to make it in the future, he needs to pick himself up a couple of these types of trustworthy people and attach them to his hips and listen to them. I have a few courageous Truth Sayers in my life, and it is the only reason I can sleep at night.

Brian Williams Meme

***

“There are some good people. But a good chunk of them will lie for no reason at all – it’ll be ten o’clock and they’ll tell you it’s nine. You’re looking at the clock and you can’t even fathom why they’re lying. They just lie because that’s what they do.”John Cusack

“Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.”Harry S Truman

“Lying is not only saying what isn’t true. It is also, in fact especially, saying more than is true and, in the case of the human heart, saying more than one feels. We all do it, every day, to make life simpler.”Albert Camus

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com

Basic script of conversation between God, Adam, and Eve loosely based on Genesis 3 in The Holy Bible (TNIV and Message translations)

***

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

Milli Vanilli memegenerator

Courtesy of memegnerator.net

REFERENCES

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/storytelling-ability-connected-williams-with-his-viewers-but-also-led-to-his-downfall/2015/02/14/def95228-b3a4-11e4-854b-a38d13486ba1_story.html?hpid=z1

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/business/media/brian-williams-and-memories-retread-from-a-perch-too-public.html?_r=0

http://www.cnn.com/videos/entertainment/2015/02/15/rs-jon-stewart-rips-fox-news.cnn

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on February 16, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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VALENTINE’S DAY CARD KISS-OFFS!

Do you know what I discovered a long time ago about finding a decent man?   It ain’t easy, Baby! I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found a prince and date a lot of cretins before I landed a Renaissance man. It took years, but I finally found the love of my life (WW, “White and Wonderful”).  We have fought the demons of life together for over forty years, and we’re still holding on to each other like a couple of otters.

Sweet Otters

But I almost missed him—almost missed him by a thousand miles or more because I kept giving my heart to men who didn’t deserve me. It’s as if the Cupid who “shot” me with his love arrows, that drew me to those other men, was stoned and in need of target practice. Had I not instinctively known the Maya Angelou dictate—“When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time—I would have “settled” and summarily screwed up my life. Instead, I walked—no, I bolted—the minute they did me wrong, and I never looked back.  I didn’t wait around to see if they would change because I knew they wouldn’t.  And I kept on running until I eventually found my main man.

Cupid Screw Up

So I decided this Valentine’s holiday to send “Valentine Kiss-Off” cards (à la Jimmy Fallon’s “Thank You Notes”) to all the men I loved before, and thank them for showing me what I didn’t want in a man. When the genuine article came along in WW, there was no confusion. I recognized him as the “real deal” almost immediately because my ex-boyfriends had shown me by their behavior what a real man should look like. (My apologies to all poets living and dead—and all those yet to be born.)

*** *** ***

DEAR LYING, JIVE-TIME, SECRETLY MARRIED BOYFRIEND OF 1971

Bad Romance

You promised you loved me,

I believed you, I did.

Though you rarely showed up,

Half the times that you said.

I decided to surprise you

That summer on tour,

Drove through the night

Met yo’ mama at the door.

“My son ain’t here,”

(Vomit churnin’ in my gut)

“I thought you was a good girl

Who knew you was a slut.”

Turns out you’re married now,

(Yo’ Mama thought I knew)

I hugged and thanked her twice,

Said: “Tell your boy, we’re through.”

Happy Valentine’s Day,

You cheatin’ a-hole Ex of old

The man who loves me now

He’s a “Mensch”* made of gold.

*MENSCH: Someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being “a real mensch” is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous. (Rosten, Leo. 1968. The Joys of Yiddish. New York: Pocket Books. 237) Urban Dictionary

*** *** ***

DEAR ARROGANT, COLD-HEARTED, SOB BOYFRIEND OF 1969

Lose Weight Valentine Card

Damn, you was such a handsome boy!

Pardon me: a fine lookin’ man

All decked out in dress blues

Back from Viet Nam.

You knew it too, you son of a bitch

Thought you was all that and a bag of chips.

Skin the color of golden wheat

With succulent, luscious, to-die-for lips.

Dark brown eyes that had me,

Made me—drownin’ in pools of lust.

Then when you was all spent,

Your goddamn mood went bust.

You said: “You put on weight while I was gone

Yo’ ass not as fine as it used to be,

Slim it on down, Lil Chubby-ass Chunky,

If you want to be seen round town with me.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, OO-RAH!

My Ex-Marine in black and blue.

I walked out on your ass that very day,

Married a man, a gazillion times better than you.

Tells me daily how beautiful I am,

(After 40 years, I know he’s probably lyin’)

So what?—he really loves me for me

And I bless him for even tryin’. **

**I AM WHAT I AM: “I am what I am, I am my own special creation. So come take a look, give me the hook or the ovation. It’s my world that I want to take a little pride in, My world and it’s not a place I have to hide in, Life’s not worth a damn, Till you can say, ‘Hey world, I am what I am.’” –La Cage Aux Folles; Lyrics by Jerry Herman

*** *** ***

DEAR STUPID, CLUELESS, NEVER-PICKED-UP-A-BOOK-IN-YOUR-LIFE, BUT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING, BOYFRIEND OF 1970

Sarah Palin Meme

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

You called me out

For not “gettin’ down with the peeps” like you.

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue,

You said I was actin’ all white with my talk

Said I read too much, too.

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue,

I dumped your stupid ass

For someone much smarter than you.

 

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Valentine, you’re still shuckin’ and jivin’ in the ghetto.

Look at me! Traveling the world—praising God every day I got rid of you. ***

***LET NO ONE ELSE DEFINE YOU: “If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”— Audre Lorde

*** *** ***

A VALENTINE WISH FOR ALL MY READERS FROM A WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN IN LOVE FOR OVER 40 YEARS WITH THE ONE THAT WAS MEANT TO BE—HERE’S THE SECRET TO LOVE:

Love someone who makes you laugh

(Anonymous Google Meme)

*** *** ***

Old Couple Farts

“Sometimes the more chances you give the more respect you lose. Your standards begin to be ignored when you let people get comfortable in knowing that another chance will always exist. They start to depend on your forgiveness. That’s why I’m no longer a slave to apologies. Treat me right the first time because I can’t guarantee you a next time (emphasis mine). It’s impossible to keep me once you’ve lost my trust. I’m not saying you have to be afraid to lose me, what I’m sayin’ is . . . I’m not afraid to walk away.” — @TrentShelton #RehabTime

“The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down, and will give their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will NEVER get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the BEST YOU, not the hurt you! Never forget that.”—@TrentShelton #RehabTime

 

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
17 Comments

Posted by on February 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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DEFLATED BALLS

Do you know what I discovered about myself this week?   I have turned into a thirteen-year-old boy over this deflate-gate scandal involving the New England Patriots. I, who know nothing about football—seriously, I know less than nothing—can’t help descending into gales of laughter every time someone from the NFL gives a news conference trying to defend yet another one of their lack of character issues. Remember “Spygate”? According to Wikipedia, that scandal was about the Pats “videotaping the New York Jets’ defensive coaches’ signals from a sideline position years ago.” Apparently, in the land of football, this was considered a mega-cheating scandal and cost the Patriots thousands of dollars, so the Pats aren’t receiving much grace from the public (fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me).

Deflated Balls FB Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

Either it’s a lack of sleep (three hours), or I’m really regressing into a pubescent boy, but I fell off the treadmill from the gale-force of my laughter when I heard quarterback Tom Brady give his news conference about his personal handling of the eleven out of twelve underinflated footballs used during the Pats’ 45-7 victory over the Indianapolis Colts that determined who would play in this year’s Super Bowl Game. Brady started the news conference by saying that when he picks his anointed twelve footfalls right before the big game, to him they are perfect. He then went on to say:

“I don’t want anyone touching my balls after that,

Don’t want anyone rubbing them—

Putting any air in them—taking any air out. . .

To me those balls are perfect!”

ROLFL! I can hardly wait for this week’s Saturday Night Live. It is going to be priceless!

NFL Underinflated Ball Milt Priggee  www miltpriggee com

Used by permission: Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com

Maybe we ought to give up the ghost on our claim that we are an exceptional nation with great moral character. It’s just too hard, isn’t it?   We’re failing at it here, there, and everywhere. According to a study done in 2010 (The Prevalence of Lying in America: Three Studies of Self-Reported Lies), 96% of us lie like a rug just to get our own way. And if The Fiscal Times is to be believed, they cite a study that says cheating has gone mainstream from parents of high school kids hiring—for thousands of dollars—uber-smart “ringers” to take their kids SAT tests, to websites that will help one cheat on one’s spouse. Way to go, America!

As I meditated on these themes, I had a daydream that instead of the country celebrating the Academy Awards on February 22nd (something I know a great deal about), we ought to have a Cheaters and Liars Awards Show. The trophy could be based on the Patriots’ scandal. Instead of an Oscar, the winners could receive a trophy in the shape of a deflated ball. Can you imagine . . .

Used by permission Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

***

SCENE: We zoom in on a gala star-studded awards ceremony somewhere in Los Angeles. Beautiful, and not so beautiful, people can be seen exiting limousines and milling around waiting to walk the red carpet and hopefully catch the eye of one of the top celebrity correspondents. They are primed and ready to show off their designer gowns and suits for the Academy of Cheaters and Liars as they “humbly” announce that winning is not everything—they are just happy to be nominated (remember they are up for awards as liars). Celebrity blogger and author, ET, can be seen waving over Fox News for her first interview.

ET:         Faux News! Welcome to the first annual Academy of Cheaters and Liars awards ceremony. You’ve been nominated for the “Just Can’t Seem to Get the Facts Right” category along with CNN, breitbart.com, rightwingnews.com, RedState,The Rush Limbaugh Show, and that consummate liar, Glenn Beck. And look at you, girlfriend. You are stylin’ tonight. Who knew right-wingers could “rock your body” like that. And look at that ass—you are definitely “all about that bass,” Baby. Who are you wearing tonight?

FOX:      I’m wearing Armani ‘cause I’ve got “no treble.” He, he, he, he! Get it? Meghan Trainor—“All About That Bass.” Who says Republicans aren’t lowdown with the culture?

ET:         Ah, Foxy Baby, I don’t think “lowdown” means what you think it means. Anyway, how open-minded of you, Foxy, on your choice of formal wear! You know Armani’s gay, right? Don’t get me wrong—I loves me some Armani—I don’t care what his sexuality is. He’s brilliant. I just thought, given your lack of love for gay people and all . . .

FOX:      Armani is not a gay. He’s been married to a woman for thirty years (his childhood sweetheart to be exact), has eight kids, and is a pillar of the Catholic Church in Germany.

ET:         Did you just pull that out of your “bass,” Sugah? And can you spell Google?

UB Award I Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Fox News scurries off in a bit of a huff, although they are slated to win a Deflated Ball for their debacle of stating as fact that France and England have “no go zones” which are Muslim controlled and ruled by Sharia Law. They are favored to win because Fox News repeated this lie multiple times without a shred of facts, summarily offended the French, and Paris Mayor Anne Hidalgo is threatening to sue their “bass.” You go Faux News!

Our entertainment correspondent sees Mitt Romney off in the distance and beckons him over for an interview.

ET:         Mitt, what a surprise! I did not expect to see you here, Darlin’, but I just found out that you are up for a triple-threat award: the Clueless Award for your 2012 47% comment, the Consummate Liar’s award because you swore eleven times that you would not run for the presidency again (even your wife said “we are done, done, done”), and the Flip-floppers award. But before we try to break that down for our viewing audience, who are you wearing tonight?

MITT:    Robert Comstock.

ET:         But of course, you are—he’s the wonderful Mormon fashion designer. Love, love, love his line, although it’s a little bit pricey for my 47% ass and not quite diva-ish enough for my tastes. In fact, it’s a little casual for this event, don’t you think?

MITT:    I do not. I’m changing my image. I’m all about the poor this presidential campaign—all about my peeps in the hoods everywhere.  This year I’m down with the 47%. I’m bringing on my homeboy, Snoop Puppy Dog as my adjunct campaign advisor. I’m confident that nothing can stop me from occupying the Oval office in 2015 and beyond because I will win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win (did I say that eleven times?)!  I deserve it!  I am called to save our country from the ravages of that Kenyan. I am the man!

ET:         Oh, Mitt Baby. Even I’m feeling a little sorry for you. Did you notice that the Republican Party ran off into the bushes screaming “nooooooooooooooooooooooooo” after you said “yes?” The Koch Brothers invited every Republican they could think of except you, Brother, to their big pow-wow (“the Koch Brothers’ secret bank”) this weekend. I think I stand a better chance of getting invited as an ex-black conservative, born-again liberal before you will. WTF, man? Show some pride. Did losing to a black man cause you that much trauma? Go home and raise your grandkids and forget about ruling the world, or at least America.

MT:        Forget? How dare you! I never lose, I never lose, I hate Jeb Bush, I hate Jeb Bush, I must win all the time, I must win all the time, no matter what, no matter what . . .

Romney I No No No John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

As Romney wandered off in his wilderness-chic apparel by Robert Comstock mumbling his “winning” mantra, ET spotted Bill Cosby skulking on the periphery trying to get the black media to cut him some slack and give him an interview about anything except the rumors circling around him. ET hides behind Michael Moore who was there for the Hubris Award for Bloviated Opinions along with Bill Maher, and she stayed put until the dark shadow of Cosby passed by. ET just didn’t have the heart to engage in chit-chat with the murderer of Dr. Huxstable. Besides, she knew exactly what he was wearing because she could spot an Anand Jon Alexander design a mile away (the celebrity designer currently serving 59 years to life in prison in California for raping aspiring models he had drugged—some as young as 14). On the verge of vomiting, and in the attempt to escape from Bill Cosby’s line of vision, and hoping to avoid Michael Moore altogether, she collided with Lance Armstrong and accidentally knocked him off his bike which made him furious.

ET:         Oh, Lance Armstrong, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to dismantle you from your bike. I didn’t see you there. Can I interview you?

LA:         Whatever.

ET:         There is no use asking who you’re wearing because it’s clear your bike shorts and top are made by you since nobody wants to be associated with you anymore, and I read that you gave all your label-sponsored sportswear to Goodwill. As to why you are here: My media card says that you are up for best documentary of the World’s Greatest Liar: “Lance Armstrong: Stop at Nothing.” You know that you are the only one in your category tonight of the World’s Greatest Liar, don’t you? No one has ever come close to pulling off the massive fraud you did except maybe Bernie Madoff, so you’re sure to be a shoe-in for a Deflated Ball.

LA:         I just want to ask you what I ask everyone else: How can it be cheating or lying when everyone else was doing it? I did what I had to do to win.

ET:         Save it for the Judge, Sweetpea. I’m not going to get into this discussion with you. I just want to say that the documentary is unbelievable, and you deserve a Deflated Ball. Congratulations! I had a lot of admiration and sympathy for you before I saw the documentary (your personal deflated ball situation caused by cancer and all), but I came away from the film feeling absolutely cold inside—as if I had bumped into Satan himself! Dude, you are portrayed as one cold-hearted, mean-spirited, lying, cheating, life-destroying, manipulative, sociopathic, son-of-a-bitch and it’s all through your own words and actions—the narrator barely had to say a thing. No one has ever made me feel that way. Man, I wouldn’t want to ever be your friend or associate.

LA:         Fuck you!

ET:         Yep, that’s what everyone said you’d say if I dared to interview you. It looks like not much has changed about your character. Well, it’s been real. Gotta go!

On that note, our entertainment correspondent fled as far away from Lance Armstrong as she could and took her seat with all the nominees to watch our fallen heroes and idols as they received their Deflated Ball trophies for the selling of their souls to win, to get the gold, to receive the praise, and to harness the power. All she could think was: “America, you sho’ is in trouble, Girl!”

Lance Armstrong Confession Tom Janssen The Netherlands

Used by permission: Tom Janssen, The Netherlands

***

I am discovering that we have become a nation of cheaters and liars—from the marriage bed to the football field to the pulpit and beyond. No wonder we can’t get much done as a Nation. No wonder we have so many mental-health issues. No wonder our moral compass is shattered. How can we work together to overcome our problems (both individually and societally) if we can’t even trust each other? Winning has become such a powerful drug that most of us will do anything, say anything, and sell any part of our souls to reach that summit. Prestigious schools are being caught in cheating scandals faster than I can say “My Kid’s an Honor Roll Student;” we had a President look us straight in the eye and say, “I did not have sex with that woman,” when he knew damn well he did (I count blow-jobs as sex, thank you very much, BC); and more than half of us divorce each other with 47% citing the reason as unreasonable behavior by our partners.

Well, I’m not having it in my life. I can’t control these national fools who have already betrayed my trust and those who will continue to betray me—but I can control my own sorry ass. (God, please help me to end my days better than when I began—in other words, let me walk the talk until I permanently exit stage left.) As for my husband and my children, it would behoove them to follow my lead because I now write books, and if they don’t behave, one day I will be interviewed by Oprah! Uh, huh—that’s what I’m sayin’!

Cheating husband and wife Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Used by permission: Daryl Cagle, www.cagleCartoons.com

“To me, football is so much about mental toughness, it’s digging deep, it’s doing whatever you need to do to help a team win and that comes in a lot of shapes and forms.” (Emphasis mine)—Tom Brady (quarterback for the New England Patriots)

“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.”—Abraham Lincoln

“I would prefer even to fail with honor than win by cheating.”—Sophocles

“All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.”—Scott Alexander

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT http://www.eleanortomczyk.com

REFERENCES

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/wp/2015/01/22/bill-belichick-on-deflategate-talk-to-tom-brady/?hpid=z1

http://variety.com/2014/tv/reviews/tv-review-lance-armstrong-stop-at-nothing-1201347559/

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/02/sports/cycling/end-of-the-ride-for-lance-armstrong.html?_r=0

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on January 24, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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MARTIN, MY MAIN MAN

Do you know what I discovered this week? I would love to chat with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr and let him know that I am one black woman in America who has been living the dream for quite some time now. So much so, that the only problems I have are white people problems, which is amazing given the background I’ve come from. In my memoir, Monsters’ Throwdown, I vividly described living through the Jim Crow era as a poor black child, and it was a bitch! It’s a good thing Dr. King came along when he did or I would have been burnt toast. I’ll tell you now, I was not cut out to suffer. Let’s just say, I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor—rich is a hell of a lot better.

Since I can’t see Dr. King face-to-face at this point, maybe I’ll write him a letter. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’ll do. I’ll bring him up to date as to what’s happening in my life and the general state of affairs on the Earth vis-à-vis his legacy.

Massage Appointment

The main problem I had this month—E. Tomczyk

Dear Dr. King:

Hope all is well. But of course it is, because compared to Earth, I am sure Heaven is a walk in the park. Did you just flip when Mahalia Jackson sang her way into Glory shortly after you did in 1972 and when Maya Angelou strutted her stuff through the pearly gates this past year? I can almost hear the three of you civil rights icons harmonizing on “Just a Closer Walk with Thee.” And what was the look on Strom Thurmond’s face in 2003—that old humorless racist from South Carolina—when he saw you laughing it up with Jesus, et al? Did that staunch segregationist tell you that he had a secret bi-racial daughter that he fathered with a sixteen-year-old maid in his house when he was twenty-two-years-old? (Nowadays they’d call that statutory rape.) Of course, it must have been so exhilarating to see your wife, Coretta, again in 2006. She did a great job in carrying the torch once you’d gone, Martin. You would have been pleased at how she preserved your legacy. (Now your kids, they are a horse of a different color, but I’ll tell you more about them later.)

MLK I Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Dr. King, I have been living the dream! First of all, I got a great education—it wasn’t easy—but I worked my ass off to get my degree. I was one of the first to go to college in my neighborhood. I did well, too—even made the Dean’s List a time or two. Then I met this adorable man who turned out to be a white man. Can you believe it? As you know, the Supreme Court didn’t strike down the miscegenation laws until 1967 with the Loving v. Virginia case, but we didn’t meet until 1972. We were pretty much free from any bigotry against our marriage (unless you count my mother-in-law) as long as we stayed out of South Carolina and Alabama, which still kept their miscegenation laws on the books until 1998 and 2000 respectively. There was still a Justice of the Peace in Robert, Louisiana as late as 2009 who refused to marry an interracial couple, but I never had much account for Louisiana and pretty much avoided that state like the plague.

Anyway, I got myself a darling white man. He’s a keeper! You’d be pleased, Martin—he’s so kind. He’s my best friend. I’m sure interracial marriages hadn’t even crossed your mind when you said “I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit together at the table of brotherhood.” And do you know what we do—this milky-white man and I—to celebrate your birthday? We spend the entire weekend in places that would have, at best, dragged us out by our hair, and at worst, lynched us from a “poplar tree as strange fruit” for breaking the miscegenation laws in years gone by.

I know our first black President says we should spend your holiday weekend in service to others, but I do that all year round anyway. I get way too much pleasure from these traveling adventures to set them aside. This year WW (White and Wonderful) and I plan to go to an antebellum resort that was started in 1778. It has been the vacation site of presidents, judges, lawyers, politicians, and at least one princess. You should see me when I roll up to these places. I’m always dressed to the nines, dripping with jewels (tastefully, of course), and as my husband hands the valet the keys to our car, he extends his arm to me and I loop my arm in his as we stroll confidently and with grace through the front door to the check-in desk. Then I take a deep breath and wait for the line that is always music to my ears: “Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Tomczyk. It is a pleasure to have you as our guests!”

MLK Obama 2nd term Christopher Weyant The Hill

Cartoon used by permission: Christopher Weyant, The Hill

Life has definitely improved since you left us, Martin. More minorities are educated with good jobs, great homes, and doing well. We can eat where we want, live where we want, and vote for whom we want. Our first black President was elected for a second term (nobody saw that coming), and although he has his haters by the truck load, I think he’s going to end his presidency just fine, and history will treat him kindly. Unless you’re watching Fox News and their right-wing bedfellows, the entire world has seen his grace under fire, his self-control, his uber-intelligence, and his compassionate heart. We just have to keep him alive to finish the job. (You know what I’m sayin’.)

Now, I’m not going to lie to you—even with our first black President we still have many, many issues to deal with, and some of them might end up derailing all your hard work and sacrifice. One of them is that our black children seem to either not understand the depth of your sacrifice (and others) or they have been raised in such affluence they don’t see the potential dangers that they could still encounter. Granted it was years ago, but one of my kids announced to me that there was no more racism—her generation didn’t see color (she does have an amazing gaggle of multi-cultural friends). Of course she is the color of vanilla cream, so half the time, people just assume she’s white. She didn’t change her tune until a stranger in an airport bar recently mistook her for being white and jokingly made good-old-boy cracks about how much he was sure they’d both enjoy seeing the President assassinated, as if this was a first-line agenda item on every white person’s list. Sigh!

MLK Meaning to Young David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

Other black children have given up on your dream, Dr. King because of the ravages caused by income inequality: eroding public schools, the new slavery (one in ten black men in prison—more in prison than enslaved in 1850), absentee fathers (cause they’re mostly in prison!), joblessness, homelessness, black-on-black crime, police brutality . . . black folks hardly vote anymore because they are so disheartened. We’re losing our youth to drugs, murder, and mayhem, Martin. The black middle-class is melting away and most of our black families are ending up in the 99% of the have-nots because the richest 1% now control 48.2% of the global wealth. How can any of the poor compete with that, no matter what their race?

MLK 1 percent Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

But the fear that keeps me awake at night is the resurgence of widespread racism. Dr. King the world has gone nuts since you’ve been gone. Religious extremists are bombing here, there, and everywhere. Anti-Semitism is on the rise in Europe—it’s as if all of Europe has collective amnesia. In America there are “angry white men” who have taken up residence in the Tea Party and white supremacy groups because they are convinced that your legacy has made them victims of reverse discrimination. It’s as if they are trying to turn back the clock for minorities, women, and the gay and lesbian population to the 1950s. It’s just crazy-go-bananas in our legislative branches and in the marketplace. Sometimes it makes me want to stand up and holler.

MLK II Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune

Well, that is the gist of it Dr. King. I could rattle on for days. Pray for us in the hour of our need. The jury is still out as to whether we can continue to live the dream that you so valiantly gave your life for. I’m getting up there in age, so I won’t have to deal with this disillusionment much longer. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you sooner than later. Take care, my hero.

Je t’adore, Eleanor

P.S. LATEST CHIT-CHAT: Bill Cosby assassinated Dr. Huxtable and broke millions of hearts; we have a popular TV show where a white president of the United States is having an affair with a kick-ass black woman who is a miracle worker; we have another popular TV show where the protagonist is teaching everyone how to get away with murder; and we have a brand new hot TV soap opera where the cast is 99% black and they are all rich hip-hop moguls (all three shows written by black folks). Dr. Ben Carson, who used to be arguably the best neurosurgeon in the country has lost his freakin’ mind and become a Tea Party darling and wants to run for president. Your grown-ass kids are a HUGE embarrassment (sorry to be the one to break the news)! Dexter and Martin III are trying to oust Bernice as CEO of King Center, and Bernice is counter-suing because the brothers tried to sell your 1964 Nobel Peace Prize (oh, hell to the no!) and your Bible you took with you to prison that Barack Obama swore his inaugural oath on. One of your kids is suing your old friend Andrew Young for intellectual property that he says you and Coretta gave him, and the King kids made DC pay them a butt-load of money ($800,000 I think) to erect a long-awaited statue of you. Also, I heard your Center has fallen into disrepair—algae is growing in the pond which is cracked, and the place is looking real ghetto-like. Looks like your kids aren’t living the dream, either (judging by their character, and all). Kids! What you gonna do?

Live Together as Brothers

“I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality… I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can’t ride you unless your back is bent.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”

—Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

***

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com

***

REFERENCES

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/clarence-b-jones/remembering-martin-luther-king-jr_b_6471172.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andre-shashaty/mlks-birthday-hitting-us-where-we-live_b_6465862.html

http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2015/01/14/empire_episode_the_outspoken_king_features_a_bizarre_scene_about_president.html

http://www.theroot.com/articles/culture/2015/01/a_timeline_of_the_ongoing_legal_fights_among_mlk_s_surviving_children.2.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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A NEW YEAR’S WISH: AMAZING GRACE

Do you know what I discovered today? I’m baaaaack, and I’m feelin’ good. My Christmas break was awesome! It was full of joy, lots of love, and tons of laughter marred by only one event: the theft of Black Baby Jesus from the crèche on the day before Christmas Eve. Since the six-inch-high crèche resides on one of the end tables, I was able to narrow the theft down to three possible culprits. CULPRIT #1: a six-year-old boy (my grandson) who has been trying to abscond with Black Baby Jesus ever since he was three-years-old (the one-inch baby fits so very nicely in a little boy’s pockets or his diapers at an earlier stage). CULPRIT #2: a three-month-old Maltese named Chuck (grandson’s new pup), who chews on any and everything he can get into his mouth, and doesn’t know the first thing about Xmas protocol (we caught him playing box-the-ornaments-on-the-tree with his front two paws while standing up on his hind legs as if he were training to be the next Muhammad Ali. CULPRIT #3: A wizened older Shorky dog named Wednesday Addams (Chuck’s cousin), who is too cool for school and has no tolerance for pups who don’t know the Christmas rules. (Although I didn’t think Wednesday was guilty of the theft, I wouldn’t put it past her to have set Chuck up for the kidnapping of Black Baby Jesus just to get him punished with a timeout in his crate, thus giving Wednesday some peace and quiet.) But nobody was talking, or barking, as the case may be. (I looked to the heavens and prayed: Lord Jesus, give me grace and help me find Black Baby Jesus because I really liked that crèche!) So I accused all three of these little hooligans of the dastardly deed, and I threatened to withhold all doggie treats and presents until the baby was returned. I put all the adults in my house on high alert as well:

“I’m not superstitious or anything, but it can’t possibly be a good thing that Black Baby Jesus has been kidnapped before his birthday. You are all on poop patrol and are responsible to check out any suspicious ‘meadow muffins’ coming out of these three that might be in the shape of a one-inch Savior of the world.”

Day After Christmas RJ Matson

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson

Black Baby Jesus was not found until the day after Christmas (underneath the couch) when we were disposing of enough Christmas wrapping to stuff a giant landfill. That morning before the revelation of said whereabouts of you-know-Who, we sang “Happy Birthday, Jesus” to an empty crèche, and Little Dude blew out the candles to the Jesus cake on Christmas morning to an absent Baby King—assuming he was making his way through somebody’s intestines. None of the culprits confessed (personally, I think they were all in on it), but it did get me thinking about 2014 and the visibility—or lack of visibility—of God in the everyday scary-ass mayhem of our lives.

2014 had been a good year for the Tomczyk family and we felt the grace of God all throughout the year (meaning, basically we got the things we hoped and wished for, or better), and for that I am extremely grateful because some years we have not been so fortunate. Like every other family in the world, we have seen our ups and downs and experienced our fair share of pain which I wrote about in my first book, Monsters’ Throwdown, and will continue the story in my second book that will hopefully be released this year.

We took all day to leisurely open presents (interrupted by meals and eggnog, the reading of the Christmas story from Grandpa to Little Dude while the rest of the clan solemnly participated in the tender moment, and cried as we shared what made us most grateful about 2014—mostly each other).

But we also acknowledged that on a domestic and global scale 2014 had been a bitch!

2014 I cant breathe Cam Cardow Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Cam Cardow, Cagle Cartoons

We had friends whose marriages had crumbled, friends whose funerals we had attended, friends whose children we had helped bury, and friends who were no longer friends because they had broken our hearts. On a national and international level, we were all horrified about the murder of Dr. Huxtable by Bill Cosby, heartsick over the kidnapping of hundreds of young girls by Boko Haram and our impotence to do anything about it, devastated at the beheadings by ISIS, worried for the millions of refugees roaming the Earth due to war, heartbroken over the slaughter of Syrians by their own government, sickened by the racism that seems to be rearing its ugly head in America again, angry over the treatment of our Vets, demoralized by the killing of young black men by law enforcement, disheartened by the murders of innocent policemen, disquieted by the emergence of Ebola, but furious that a certain ersatz news agency had whipped up so much hysteria around Ebola that people practically lost their minds in the United States where only one person had died of the disease (less than 10,000 have died from Ebola worldwide while an estimated 39 million people have died from AIDS and an estimated 35 million are living with HIV worldwide). We (who am I kidding, “I”) resolved to be a more disciplined consumer of the news so as not to end up being manipulated by them (left, right, and independent) and causing me more fear than necessary, and thus, destroying my mental health.

Fox News Hysteria Bill Day Cagle Cartoons

Cartoon used by permission: Bill Day, Cagle Cartoons

As we talked about looking forward to what we hoped 2015 would bring to the individual members of our family and the resolutions we would make (knowing that some of them would be kept but most of them would be broken), it occurred to us all that in our personal goals, family quests, national and international dreams, a great deal of grace—amazing grace—would be needed for the new year and beyond. On the global scale, anything could happen (or continue to happen) as 2015 unfolded, and we would never know when vestiges of our global problems might roll up on the shores of our lives. But as long as we stuck together and bolstered our friendships and family with love while we maintained our utilization of God’s grace during the hard times, we’d triumphantly make it through 2015.

Year In Review FB  David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

I am discovering that life has always been volatile for humankind. And even though the 21st Century can sometimes seem to be the worst of times, it really isn’t. I wouldn’t want to be a black woman in any other time, but this one. I can’t imagine not having control of my own destiny, and yet in America just a couple hundred years ago that would have been the case for me. Even though it seems that the wheels are coming off the racial harmony bus, we have come a long way, baby, we just have to keep on keepin’ on until that old generation of racists has gone on to their “great reward” (currently occupying the Tea Party).  And the thing about living is that no one ever knows when a good year will turn into a bad year or vice versa stripping a person bare of everything except the grace that infuses and covers us making us overcomers and survivors. *Check out the murderous mayhem that happened in the 20th Century, which looked like God had gone on vacation to another universe and left the devil in charge of ours, and our current time period will reveal itself as the longest period of peace and prosperity known to man—which is really saying something. It’s just that our 24/7 news cycles, Twitter, Facebook, cell phones with cameras, and Blogs make the world seem more accessible and thus more threatening than it really is. (Suggested 20th Century reading for perspective: Books on influenza and polio deaths in 1912, WWI, the Dust Bowl, the Great Depression, WWII, the Holocaust, Pearl Harbor, the Atomic Bomb, WWII refugees and displaced persons, Apartheid in South Africa, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, the Jim Crow Era with its random beatings, rapes, lynching, and systematic racism, the Cold War, Rwanda—just to name a few terrors from 1900-1999!)

In 2015, I’ll keep searching for hope that started in the crèche in Bethlehem and culminated on the cross at Calvary and take delight in the little things on Earth that bring me joy as I journey in God’s amazing grace. Like the Ohio State Buckeyes kicking Alabama Crimson Tide’s ass (42-35) in the Sugar Bowl on January 1, 2015.  I’m told by people in the know (I don’t know a thing about football), that Ohio State came into the game with a 9-point underdog label against the Alabama machine (again words of my friends–I know nothing!).  Even when it looked like Ohio State was getting its ass kicked, they kept fighting as if it was not an option to do otherwise.  Oh yeah!  Being an Ohio girl, this brings me great joy and inspiration, and I’ll take joy and inspiration for 2015 wherever I can get it!

Ohio vs Alabama Nate Beeler The Columbus Dispatch

Used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch

Who in their right mind . . . could possibly deny the 20th Century was entirely mine. All of it . . .”—The Devil from the Devil’s Advocate by Andrew Neiderman

“We spend January 1st walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential.” ― Ellen Goodman

“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every New Year find you a better man.”Benjamin Franklin

“Let our New Year’s resolution be this: we will be there for one another as fellow members of humanity, in the finest sense of the word.”Goran Persson

QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com and www.goodreads.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

DON’T LET ANOTHER YEAR GO BY WITHOUT READING THIS AUTHOR’S MEMOIR—MONSTERS’ THROWDOWN

Welcome 2015 Blog

Courtesy of mapsofindia.com

REFERENCES

http://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article4940373.html

*http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/foreigners/2014/12/the_world_is_not_falling_apart_the_trend_lines_reveal_an_increasingly_peaceful.html

http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/colleges/2015-sugar-bowl-ohio-state-beats-alabama-42-35-to-advance-to-title-game/2015/01/02/441608b8-91fe-11e4-ba53-a477d66580ed_story.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
22 Comments

Posted by on January 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

 
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