NEWS HEADLINES IN AMERICA JULY 30, 2021
The Delta Whiplash is Here—The Atlantic
CDC warns that delta variant is as contagious as chickenpox and may make people sicker than original Covid—CNBC
Broadway Audiences Will Need Proof of Vaccination and Masks—NYTimes
‘What’s Covid?’ Why People at America’s Hardest-Partying Lake Are Not About to Get Vaccinated—Politico
They Spurned the Vaccine. Now They Want You to Know They Regret It—The NYTimes
How Trump’s ‘World of Bullshit’ Unleashed Today’s Delta Surge—Daily Beast
On July 30, 2021, the above headlines announced to a divided America that we were starting to lose the war AGAIN against death and doom because a tenacious offshoot of Covid-19—the Delta variant—was reeking murderous havoc due to 100 million Americans (many of them motivated by support for Donald Trump) having ignored or thumbed their noses at the vaccines. The conversation below from Hell between Death and Satan can only be imagined.
DEATH: Hey Dude, how’s it hangin’?
SATAN: I just got back from roaming the Earth, seeking whom I may devour!
DEATH: That’s very Shakespearean of you.
SATAN: That’s very biblical of me: Father of Lies, The Great Destroyer, Beelzebub, Lucifer…
DEATH: Whatever! You’re such a drama queen. I got your message that you needed to see me. I sure hope this meeting is productive because I don’t have any time to waste. As the Angel of Death assigned to the Special Death Forces Unit of the USA, I have never been busier. By the way, I could have used a head’s up before you unleased your nephew, Lieutenant Delta.
SATAN: Hey, I barely knew about his invasion date myself. Been too busy trying to make room for all the incoming traffic. Besides, even I’m afraid of Delta—he’s a nasty little punk-ass SOB. I’m the Devil, and I can’t control him. But I must say, Delta’s invasion married well with the reckless, stubborn, arrogant, and stupid refusal of the Trump anti-vaxxers to get vaccinated and to wear masks. It seems my conspiracy theories that I pushed on Facebook, Fox News and via the Republican Party really did the trick. Those I didn’t capture with self-centeredness, I captured with fear. I especially liked the conspiracy theory that the vaccines will make you magnetic. So stupid, it’s delicious! Don’t you just love that Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook? The dude has no accountability to truth or humanity, which suits me just fine since that is my raison d’etre. We have a wager down here in Hell to see who will kill the most people from Covid-19 with their wanton pushing of fake news, lies, and misinformation: Zuckerberg or Trump. What’s your wager, Death?
DEATH: How the hell should I know? All I know is that you’re going to get legions more now that Delta has unleashed his troops. You should hear the anti-vaxxers’ hissy fits and screams over the CDC’s recommendation to return to masks to save them from the Delta variant. You would think that they were being asked to pour hot boiling oil on their skin and set it afire. I have no pity for them. More than 40% of Americans are unvaxxed, and they make up 97% of all Covid hospitalizations and 97% of my Covid death haul. The Americans are running out of room in their hospitals.
SATAN: Hm, call me an ol’ softie, but every once in a while, I feel a tiny pang of sorrow for those who can’t get the vaccine who get caught up in your death net—especially the children.
DEATH: Well, I don’t. I have no dog in this race. I feel absolutely nothing. Besides, I have a feeling the innocents by-pass you Pal and take the escalator to the celestial city in the sky. Anyway, it might not be too late for the innocent and the arrogant. Their President is stopping short of a Federal mandate that all Americans get vaccinated, and he seems to be encouraging businesses to mandate vaccines if people want to stay employed or attend events in their venues. The anti-vaxxers are flipping out, of course—their heads are exploding. Republicans are already lining up the lawsuits against the government and any businesses that try to “tread on their rights.”
SATAN: Pish-shah! Nobody in America can mandate vaccines. It’s against their laws. Americans have rights and their rights outweigh any responsibilities that they have towards anybody but themselves. They are so goddamn selfish, which is why I adore them so much—favorite group of humans on Earth. Besides, the demons and I were taking a coffee break yesterday, and we saw a segment on MSNBC that said 1 in 4 hospital staff workers aren’t vaccinated and don’t ever plan to be. The lunchroom in Hell erupted in cacophonous cheers and chants: “Go Master, go Master; you did it, you did it—more inmates in Hell!” You know that when the people who swore an oath to “abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous” and to “do no harm” as healers refuse to embrace science and the truth, then the rest of the American public is so screeeeewed!
DEATH: False! Vaccine mandates in America are not entirely unprecedented. I, too, watch MSNBC and just happened to catch the Rachel Maddow show that aired a segment on the 1901 Smallpox epidemic in Cambridge, Massachusetts that was wiping out the city. According to the Maddow show and the New England Historical Society, by 1905, 400,000 of Cambridge’s citizens had been vaccinated, but that was not enough to get control of the deadly pox. The Cambridge Board of Health decided they weren’t havin’ that shit, so they mandated that all their citizens be vaccinated or pay a $5 fine ($150 in today’s currency). Well, wouldn’t you know it, but a minister (Henning Jacobson) who claimed he was hearing God, declared that he had the God-given right to govern his own body as he saw fit despite safety for the common good, and he challenged the mandate in court all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court—Jacobson v. Massachusetts. He lost and the citizens of Cambridge were saved from my scythe. If I remember correctly, the law says:
“There is, of course, a sphere within which the individual may assert the supremacy of his own will and rightfully dispute the authority of any human government, especially of any free government existing under a written constitution…But it is equally true that in every well-ordered society charged with the duty of conserving the safety of its members the rights of the individual in respect of his liberty may at times, under the pressure of great dangers, be subjected to such restraint, to be enforced by reasonable regulations, as the safety of the general public may demand.”
SATAN: Well, I’ll be damned!
DEATH: You already are.
SATAN: Shut up, you show-off! In any case, I need you to buy me some time. So many people are dying so quickly, and while I love new recruits, I need to build on a wing to prepare for them. I’m not even half-full yet, but I would like to make sure that I don’t lose a soul because I didn’t have enough beds of hot coals ready and prepared. Just a month or so. Can you swing it?
DEATH: Fine. But you owe me one. I can’t stop the deaths, but I can try and slow them down. I’ll run a Public Service Announcement and place the ad on Facebook, Fox News, and all the conservative websites on the Internet. Maybe, it will set a fire under their asses (no pun intended) to hold off their Earthly exit for a while.
PSA FROM DEATH
To the American Public: My name is Death, and I belong to no political party. I neither love nor hate Trump. I have no racial, ethnic, religious, or sexual identity. I don’t care if you’re fat or skinny, short or tall. I don’t care if you just want to “stick it to the Libs” or you’re African-American and fear the Tuskegee Experiment redux. It makes me no never mind if you’re one-day-old or ninety-nine-years old. I never sleep. If it is your time to have a meet-and-greet with me due to your lack of protection against Covid-19, I’m coming for you. You mean only one thing to me: a harvest. I have no pity for your excuses, lies, or disillusionments. This isn’t personal; I’m just doing my job. So, if you don’t want to see me anytime soon, or even worse, have me introduce myself to your precious children, I have the following suggestions:
GET YOUR SHOTS
WEAR YOUR MASKS
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
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