THE CUPID LOVE TIMES—(The Tomczyk Satirical Report)/Valentine’s Day Post
On February 1st, hundreds of union Cupid leaders and the brain trusts of the National Valentine’s Association filed into an auditorium for a secret meeting. While seemingly ordinary in nature, high level leaks from the meeting have indicated that it was a very extraordinary gathering, and that come this Valentine’s Day, millions of love agents (a.k.a. Cupids) will be AWOL.
According to a high-level anonymous source of the UCW (United Cupid Workers), the Cupids have called for a strike which will commence at midnight on February 12th. On the morning of February 13th, it is assumed that florists, candy makers, jewelers, and restaurants hosting special Valentines dinners will notice that no reservations have been made, no flowers purchased, and no romantic trips to Airbnb’s and hotels booked for that once fortuitous day. The source says that the first indication that something is wrong in Cupidsville will be an uptick in “Valentighted” texts and voicemail messages. For the uninitiated, the word “valentighted” was created by Metro UK writer Ellen Scott last year, and she says the word means: “the heartbreaking act of dumping someone right before Valentine’s Day, because you’re too tight to get them a gift, write a card, or make any kind of fuss… Valentine’s Day plus being too much of a tightwad to buy a gift = Valentighting.” [equal sign, mine] In the meantime, this reporter has been told that all the Cupids who have the means to do so will relocate to Canada before February 14th—wherever Meghan and Prince Harry are hanging out. Their thinking is: if Meghan and Harry can disengage from the Royals, the Cupids can divorce from Valentine’s Day in America.
Upon further investigation, several Cupids were willing to be interviewed by this reporter, but only if their names were not disclosed. For the purpose of expediency, we’ll call them Cupid A, Cupid B, and Cupid C.
INTERVIEWER: Can any of you tell me what started the Cupid organization’s decline?
CUPID A: Certainly. IMHO, it started with the birth of those damn internet dating sites. Did you know there are approximately 8,000 dating sites around the world and 2,500 of them are in the United States? I personally filed a lawsuit the minute the OkCupid site was launched in 2004. The nerve!
CUPID B: Are you kidding me? Our existence has been doomed from the very beginning because our modus operandi was to overpower freewill and make people fall in love with someone they hadn’t planned on giving the time of day to. Even God won’t make people do what they don’t want to do. Not to mention, trying to catch people at just the right time and place and shoot them in the heart instead of in their asses or eyeballs has always been a lawsuit waiting to happen.
CUPID C: No, that’s not our main problem. We got screwed over by the Romans. The Cupids have been around since Greek Mythology. Our name used to be Eros, the Winged God of Love (which I much preferred, by the way—much classier). Back then we were slender and tall like a young Brad Pitt. We wore stylish tight leather pants with matching slippers and elbow-length leather gloves that caught the glimmer of our long, flowing golden locks. (I’m pretty sure we were gay, too.) But around 31BC, Rome conquered Greece, turned us into fat toddlers with a button mushroom-sized penis, stripped off our clothes and slippers, and we were given a choice of flying around naked or having our asses ensconced in droopy diapers. To make matters worse, they forced us to succumb to very bad home perms for our hair. We’ve been a disgrace ever since. No one takes us seriously.
CUPID B: No one takes love seriously anymore ever since the Abuser in Chief, the Orange Demon, the President of Lies, the Corrupter of Integrity, and the Bulldozer of Truth came to power. Everybody is cynical, lacking hope, and waiting for the civil war to start. People don’t even like each other let alone want to fall in love with anybody that’s different from them. Where’s the excitement in that? I used to be able to work a little magic—do a little mischief—by causing a Republican to fall in love with a Democrat, a Christian to fall in love with a Heathen, or an opera singer to fall in love with a heavy metal singer. Now the American hearts have hardened so dramatically that no arrows of love have the capability to pierce their myocardium.
CUPID A: Ha, looks like someone has been reading his Thesaurus.
CUPID B: Dude, I’m serious! Trump has grabbed all the Republicans in Washington and across the land by their gonads and twisted them in a vice so hard that their hearts have imploded inside their chests. There is nothing left for us to pierce—nothing left for us to do among the hard-hearted. We are undone. I mean we could stick around and wait for the apocalypse, but why?
INTERVIEWER: Wait a minute now, I’d like to push back on that. There are other people in America who could use your love arrows. What about us?
CUPID A: Too late, Buddy. Y’all are crazy and you’ve crossed over the line. Last week some Alabama cop suggested that Nancy Pelosi should be taken out by a roadside bomb. This week some rapper led the charge against Gayle King that threatened her life over an interview he didn’t like.
CUPID C: Oh yeah, that was Snoop Dogg (a.k.a. Calvin Cordozar Broadus Jr.). Doesn’t that name just crack you up? Where did he get the name Snoop Dogg from? I’ve always wanted to ask him, but he scares the shit out of me. Anyway, I just got a text that Snoop’s Momma slapped him upside his head, and he manned up and apologized to Gayle.
CUPID A: Well, thank God for mommas…the Earth may yet be saved by them. But we Cupids have discussed whether we should stay or go ad nauseum. We’ve really grown quite fond of you humans throughout the centuries, but we got a final commandment from our Boss (the big Cupid in the sky) who thinks we need to hightail it out of here before the civil war starts. It’s his great wisdom which thinks that due to the “Capulets and the Montagues’” feud between the Right and the Left that has been churned up by the Demon King, the carnage will be unbelievable. Our little vulnerable naked bodies will be chopped liver in that fray. There will be naked cherub bodies flying through the air like dandelion puff balls in the path of a nor’easter. You know where we’ll be hiding out, though. Just give us a call if you discern that the love of your fellow citizens has overcome their differences. In the meantime, you might want to engage in a strong bit of intercession to the God of Love to break the hardened hearts and give them the ability to love and be loved. The love you guys need has gone way beyond our pay scale and love arsenal. You need the big guns, Boo-boo! Ciao, Baby!
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.