Do you know what I discovered this week? I need to talk to Santa! Reason is I think God has gone AWOL on the world, and maybe Santa can help me find him. I know that Jesus has a birthday coming up, and I’m hoping he’ll show up for all the celebrations in his name. I thought it imperative that I try and reach him to give him the 411 on how wicked we’ve become, and how things are being done in his name that would turn the angels into screaming banshees of despair.
TRANSCRIPT OF PHONE CALL BETWEEN SANTA AND ELEANOR, THE BLOGGER (ET)
(Scene opens on festive lodge in the North Pole in a great room full of people drinking eggnog and singing Christmas carols led by a fat Black man in a red suit with a long white beard. Phone is heard ringing in the background as a little person in a Santa Christmas sweater with elfin ears scurries to answer it.)
Photo credit: tipsyelves.com
ELF: Santa Claus’ residence—how may I direct your call? If you’ve been naughty, let’s cut to the chase and confess it now, ‘cause ain’t nobody got time for end of year lyin’.
ELT: Lionel, this is ET. I need to speak to Santa, please. It’s a matter of some urgency.
ELF: No can do, girlfriend. He’s leadin’ the Christmas carols, and you know how much he looks forward to kicking off the season with a karaoke song fest of carols. Listen …
God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember, Christ, our Saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from Satan’s power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy
ET: Well, “to save us all from Satan’s power when we were gone astray” is exactly why I’m calling, not to mention that I am horribly dismayed. I need to know if Santa knows where Jesus is, because he seems to have gone AWOL. I couldn’t find him in the terrorist attack in Brussels, and I looked for him in the midst of the kidnapping, butchering, and rapes of the young girls in Nigeria by the Boko Haram. When I didn’t see him there I searched for him in the massacre at the Pulse Nightclub, and most recently I’ve been trying to locate his presence in the election of Trump who I hope and pray is on Santa’s naughty list.
Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com
ELF: You know that information is classified, ET. I can only talk to you about your sorry-ass behavior. As to the whereabouts of Jesus, unlike Santa, he’s what they call “omnipresent,” so you should be able to locate him wherever humans hang. Oh man, Santa’s singing one of his favorites—this is his jam. Girl, between you and me, give Santa a couple glasses of schnapps and a karaoke machine and that man loses his mind. Listen …
Up on the housetop reindeer pause,
Out jumps Good Old Santa Claus
Down through the chimney with lots of toys
All for the little ones Christmas joys
Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go? Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go?
Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick.
ELT: This is exactly why I’m calling. Tell Santa I hate this song. It is anathema in Aleppo and the Southside of Chicago. There are no chimneys left for him to slide down with “lots of toys” to foster “Christmas joys” for “all the little girls and boys.” All the little ones in Aleppo are either dead, dying, or on their way to wandering the Earth in a catatonic state in search of shelter and food. All the little ones in Southside are afraid to even go outside. And don’t even get me started on all the other places in the world that are so terrifying that Santa would never be able to land his sleigh without being shot out of the sky or off the rooftops. Tell Santa that I’m not feelin’ these stupid songs this year, and I am beginning to lose hope, which is why I need to have a little talk with Jesus. Where is he? Why doesn’t he do something? Lionel, get Santa on the phone, please, before I blow a fuse!
Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kamensky Slovakia, Cagle Cartoons
ELF: Girl, you not the boss of me. If you want to talk to Santa then you need to pay to play. I tell you what. Fax me a song for Santa to sing—like a special Christmas pick of yours—and if he likes your song, he’ll tell you where Jesus is and how to get your hope back.
ET: Great. I’ll be faxing you a Christmas song for Santa to sing next. I actually wrote it to sing at the President-elect’s Inauguration, but he declined my offer to perform. (As if anybody else of any quality is going to do his inauguration—please!) The song is actually a rip off from a Dr. Seuss poem and the Albert Hague melody from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” It shouldn’t be too hard for you to find the orchestration to download to the karaoke machine.
ELF: Okey-dokey, Smokey. But I’m makin’ no promises that he’ll talk to you …
(As quick as you could say, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way …” I heard Santa’s voice begin to sing the song that I wrote to send to the President-elect for Christmas. What Santa thought of it, I will never know because he never came to the phone to tell me where Jesus was hiding out.)
CHRISTMAS SONG FOR PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP
You’re a cruel one, Mr. Trump
You really are so bad,
You’re as nasty as a pit bull, Twitter hateful as can be, Mr. Trump,
You’re a pussy grabber with a greasy gigantic-ass rump!
Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle
You’re unstable, Mr. Trump,
Your heart’s a callus troll,
Your brain is full of ca-ca, you have vipers in your soul, Mr. Trump,
I wouldn’t go near you with a nine-thousand-foot-ass pole!
Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune
You’re unqualified, Mr. Trump,
You’re one of Moscow’s mules,
You have all the believability of a con man on the run, Mr. Trump,
Given a choice between you and Putin I think I’d choose the Russian skunk!
Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com
You’re a tax cheat, Mr. Trump,
The king of bankrupt casino slots,
Your heart’s an alt-right slushy with duped Evangelicals crushed on top, Mr. Trump,
You’re a thrice-married, serial cheating, braggart meatloaf topped with rancid orange slop.
Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, http://www.miltpriggee.com
You’re incorrigible, Mr. Trump,
You’re pushing our country off the rails!
You don’t care about poor people, climate change—Muslims even less, Mr. Trump,
Your cabinet picks are an appalling pile of Ayn Rand minions from the sewers of Hell!
Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star-Tribune
You’re undignified, Mr. Trump,
You’re classless as a boar,
Your head is unintelligent—your vocab’s 4th grade score, Mr. Trump,
The three words that best describe you in my mind, and I quote:
“Disgusting, Dishonest, DEPLOO-OR –
Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kamensky, Slovakia
ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT)
I am discovering that life has always been a crap shoot for humans (remember the plagues, the Crusades, the Dark Ages, the French Revolution, WWI, WWII, and the atom and hydrogen bombs?). There have always been wars and rumors of wars, crooked politicians, crazy kings, and maniacal despots who make their corner of the world a living hell for those who don’t deserve it. None of these horrid leaders have anything to do with the reality and goodness of God, but everything to do with the wretchedness, selfishness, and cruelty of the human heart.
Many of us in America are feeling pretty hopeless at the election of Mr. Trump. We see what we thought was a progressive country turning back by 100 years with the election of this man if something doesn’t stop it from doing so.
I am very afraid.
But this Christmas, I am going to remember why I worship a god born in a manger. I celebrate Christmas because of the hope it gives me. Hope that in the midst of pain and suffering, a child was born to represent the love that is the character of God (pure, accepting, and unvarnished), and to show us humans how to live in that love. I am strong in my faith that my hope will not be derailed and that the love of Christ will prevail. In the meantime, I’m sending President-elect Trump a Christmas present: My promise to make my own future by joining the resistance movement that constantly mocks his “unprecidential unpresidential” choices, antics, and tweets for as long as he is in office. There is nothing a narcissistic personality hates more than to be mocked and ridiculed. Merry Christmas President-elect Trump.
And Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Peace-filled holidays to all who travel here.
Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, PoliticalCartoons.com
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT HOPE
“We are feeling what not having hope feels like,” Obama told Winfrey in a recent interview when asked if she felt her husband had kept his campaign promise about ‘hope and change.’ “We feel the difference now,” she said. “Hope is necessary. It’s a necessary concept. And Barack didn’t just talk about hope because he thought it was a nice slogan to get votes. He and I and so many believed that … what else do you have if you don’t have hope? What do you give your kids if you can’t give them hope?”—Michelle Obama/Oprah Winfrey Interview
“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”—Desmond Tutu
“Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.”—Bradley Whitford
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.
“The worst thing that can happen in a democracy – as well as in an individual’s life – is to become cynical about the future and lose hope.”—Hillary Clinton
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