Do you know what I discovered at the beginning of the week? Hillary Clinton had died! OH MY GOD! Do you know how I found out? The Media told me so—from all over the Internet to Britain and back to the U.S.
“IS HILLARY DEAD? Sick Hillary Clinton death rumors sweep the internet as conspiracy theorists claim wannabe president DIED in hospital after 9/11 memorial collapse.”—The Sun/daily tabloid newspaper published in the United Kingdom and Ireland
“Good evening,” said WABC weekend anchor Joe Torres. “We begin with Hillary Clinton’s death…”
Cartoons used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune
Oy! I fainted right there on the spot after getting the news. It’s not that I’m in the tank for Hillary, it’s just that I will need to find a new country if Trump becomes President. Shoot, I just got used to living in America as it is, and now I’m going to have to find another country to park my chubby ass? But then I remembered that I’m no fool, and the Media on both sides of the aisle have lost their sexist, freakin’ minds when it comes to the potential of Hillary Clinton becoming our first woman President. I remembered how I need to weigh everything I read, see, and hear with a grain of salt or else I’ll be collecting moving boxes and changing my mailing address for nothing. And then, PRAISE JESUS! I read that Hillary only has walking pneumonia, which is why she fainted. Why didn’t she just come right out and tell us she had pneumonia when she was first diagnosed instead of waiting and practically giving me a heart attack?
But wait! Then I read that the person who appeared back on the campaign trail today is NOT HILLARY, she is a body-double, according to all the Alt-right media outlets. Oh no, wait a New York minute: another Alt-Right website says that Hillary is alive, but she has Parkinson’s disease, suffers from seizures, has AIDS from a now defunct affair with someone still TBD, and elephantiasis in the legs and thighs which is why she always wears pantsuits.
Hum, it seems like Hillary could have nipped this conspiracy shit in the bud, if she’d simply announced from the beginning that she had pneumonia and was going to take a couple days off. I could have told her that if she kept going, she’d bite the dust because it has happened to me—twice. She should have just fessed up. How is she going to handle these little speed bumps when she’s the President? Nothing disperses the lies of darkness like the light of truth.
Cartoons used by permission: Bob Englehart, CagleCartoons.com
Trump is far, far worse. I’m still in a state of shock that we, as Americans, can’t see through this con man. He’s working the long con and at least half of us are swallowing it hook, line, and sinker. After months of raging against Hillary to come clean about her health from all he’d learned about it on the Alt-Right conspiracy “news” sites, Humpty-Trumpty finally released an overview of his own health on “Dr. Con’s” (oops! I meant Dr. Oz’s) TV reality show by answering questions “Dr. Con” presented without actually doing blood and urine work on the dude. From what I can ascertain, Trump is addicted to junk food, has cholesterol issues (all that Kentucky Fried Chicken, I suspect), does not exercise (No?! You mean one doesn’t get that Trump fat ass and girdled belly from jogging?), has the “normal ailments of a 70-year-old man” (does that include erectile dysfunction from a tiny dick the size of his fingers?), and he says he needs to lose a “little weight” (says he’s 236 pounds . . . if that chub-a-lub is 236 pounds, I’m a size 4 and look like Kate Hudson). Yet, “his health is excellent, especially his mental health,” and Trump’s lab results were “astonishingly excellent”—so says his decades-long gastroenterologist, Dr. Harold Bornstein. (Speaking of being transparent, I thought a gastroenterologist was an intestine, gut, and colonoscopy doctor, not an internist or a general practitioner. No wonder Humpty-Trumpty had to get a second opinion from “America’s doctor”—the one that Congress racked over the coals for his less than transparent “miracle diet pills,” that don’t work. I know because I tried them, and my fat ass is still a size 16!
Cartoons used by permission: Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com
DOESN’T ANYBODY TELL THE TRUTH ANYMORE? As I was thinking about this election, how both candidates’ trustworthy numbers are in the toilet, and how Trump is the most opaque, duplicitous candidate that has ever run for President (he still refuses to release his tax returns), I thought if I ran for the Presidency, I wouldn’t tell the American voters anything either. Why? Because we don’t seem to care. Our candidates are not the problem—we are! Think about it. We stopped living a self-examined life a long time ago which is why it is so difficult to demand it of our candidates. First of all, we would all have to agree on the definition of transparency, but I don’t think we do.
What is the definition of transparency according to Merriam-Webster?
Able to be seen through
Easy to notice or understand
Honest and open—not secretive
Then we would have to agree on what defines those less-than desirable—some would say, “deplorable” splotches of darkness that live within us. I’ve known people (who claimed to be Jesus lovers and walking the talk) who would fly into a rage and threaten to burn me at the stake if I even hinted that they might be a “tiny bit” racist, or xenophobic, or anti-Semitic, and yet, before I could get the words of repentance out of my mouth for misjudging them, they’d slip and tell me how they were off to a business trip to Dubai where the “diaper heads” live, or ask me “why are so many instructions in Spanish these days—why can’t those fucking Mexicans learn to speak English?” or they would let it slip that they absolutely knew that the “Holocaust was a hoax that the Jews concocted to bleed the world of more money, like only Jews can do, and who do those goddamn Jews think they are anyway?” (Needless to say, I kicked those Christian Neanderthals to the curb once their hatreds became transparent to me.)
Cartoons used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune
So, I think what we need as a country is to get on the same page with our definitions. Therefore, I set up a few guidelines to help us all foster transparency in ourselves and others by using the Jeff Foxworthy model of “You know you’re a Redneck, if . . .” For instance, Hillary made a statement before she bit the dust the other day that she caught hell for:
“To just be grossly generalistic, you can put half of Trump supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? Racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic, you name it.”
Then all the racists, sexists, homophobics, xenophobics, Islamophobics were so furious that they prayed down all the plagues of the Apocalypse on her for calling them deplorable (no wonder she got pneumonia). And yet, survey shows:
“While 65 percent of his [Trump’s] supporters think President Obama is a Muslim, only 13 percent think that he’s a Christian. Fifty-nine percent think Obama was not born in the United States, and only 23 percent think he was. Twenty percent nationwide think it was a bad idea that slaves were emancipated, and 16 percent in South Carolina think that whites are a superior race.”—Stacey Patton/Washington Post
JUST SAYIN’ . . . if the shoe fits—wear it!
Cartoons used by permission: RJ Matson Roll Call
But how can you tell if you’re a “deplorable?”
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DEPLORABLE, IF . . .
You think President Obama is a Manchurian Candidate born in Kenya
You think that most Mexicans are rapists and murderers
You agree with Trump that we should drive all undocumented immigrants out of the country, regardless of any extenuating circumstances
You want to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it
You think that Breitbart.com, the Drudge Report, and Alex Jones are trust-worthy news sources
You think punching an old lady in the face who is carrying an oxygen tank at a Trump rally is cool
You think mocking a Gold-Star mother is fair game
You think that verbally attacking a Black pastor after being a guest in her church is “telling it like it is, or speaking his mind,” after your candidate broke the agreed-upon rules for allowing his visit
You think a Muslim ban is just the cat’s meow
You think burning mosques is scoring points for God and country
You think setting a Muslim woman’s hijab on fire is “doing the right thing” and punching a Muslim mother in the stomach as she’s pushing her kid in a stroller is making America great again
You think mocking a disabled NY Times reporter is great form
You think it was a bad idea that my ancestors were emancipated
You think White people are being persecuted, and you mock Black Lives Matter
You think people are trying to eradicate Christmas trees, Christmas carols, and two months of Christmas shopping from your greedy little hands, and you label it as “Christianity is under attack”
You love that your candidate hired the head of Breitbart (an alt-right site) to run his campaign, in spite of all the hateful, racist, lying rhetoric he’s known for
You throw up in your mouth when you see an interracial couple
You throw up in your mouth when you see a Gay couple
You agree with a recent poll that says 62% of White people think that Black people are lazy and less intelligent
You think it is perfectly acceptable that the KKK and David Duke have wholeheartedly endorsed your candidate because he best trumpets their values
Cartoons used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star
If you agree with even just one of the above Trump camp attributes, then you might be a deplorable and need a heart transplant. Just sayin’!
ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) REGARDING TRANSPARENCY
I am discovering that all of us need to start being more transparent and demanding that our Presidential candidates do the same. Let’s start by telling Hillary that no matter how paranoid she is of the right-wing media, if she doesn’t start being forthright with us (on everything), she is not going to get our vote because she keeps creating unnecessary problems. If she doesn’t, we’ll just stay home and start packing to move to Canada. STOP TAKING US (African-Americans, Latinos, educated suburban women, union workers) FOR GRANTED, HILLARY!
Let’s start by telling Trump to release his tax forms TODAY, answer truthfully to the damning accusations brought to light in the latest Newsweek article , and explain the reasons behind his fucking bromance with Vladimir Putin—it’s unbecoming, it’s un-American, and it’s downright creepy.
Cartoons used by permission: Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons.com
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ON TRANSPARENCY
“Antibiotics can take care of pneumonia. What’s the cure for an unhealthy penchant for privacy that repeatedly creates unnecessary problems?”—David Axelrod, retired Senior Advisor to President Obama
“Things will absolutely go wrong. In a healthy team, as soon as things go wrong, that information should be surfaced. Trying to hide or obscure bad news creates an environment of distrust or lack of transparency.”—Steven Sinofsky
“I think the currency of leadership is transparency. You’ve got to be truthful. I don’t think you should be vulnerable every day, but there are moments where you’ve got to share your soul and conscience with people and show them who you are, and not be afraid of it.”—Howard Schultz
“I believe transparency in government is key to restoring our nation’s faith in its elected leaders.”—Kirsten Gillibrand
ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com
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