14 May

Do you know what I discovered after returning home from visiting my grandson this weekend?  The Donald waltzed up to Capitol Hill and the Speaker of the House tucked his tail between his legs, bowed down and affixed his lily-white lips firmly against The Donald’s orange ass.  America, we are so screwed!

Paul Ryan and The Donald Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune||Cagle Cartoons

Everyone keeps telling me (a Born-again Christian but not “that kind of Christian”) there is no way in Heaven or Hell The Donald can occupy the White House in November—I just need to have faith. They tell me we Americans will come to our senses and stop this xenophobe, racist, serial adulterer, misogynist, liar, Ayn Rand disciple, and mammon-worshiper who sits at the right hand of Satan before he gets too close to the throne because the Holy Rolling Christian Evangelicals will never throw their weight behind Donald Trump’s candidacy.  Well, the Barbarian is at the White House gate and he’s being carried in on a gilded perch shouldered by Christian Televangelists (Jerry Falwell, Jr., Pat Roberson, Jan Couch of TBN, Paula White, Gloria and Kenneth Copeland, Clarence McClendon—a Black preacher who should know better—and the slick-haired Joel Osteen just to name a few).  The raised royal sedan chair is being led by The Donald’s lead house Negro, Dr. Ben Carson (a.k.a., another “Born-again Christian” who is trying to ram his form of religion down the throats of everyone who doesn’t think like him).  (Insert picture of “The Scream” by Expressionist artist Edvard Munch.)

No Way Trump John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune||Cagle Cartoons

When I read about the meeting between Paul Ryan and Donald Trump which should have been titled:  “The Day Paul Ryan Sold His Soul to the Devil,” I was so upset that I fell into somewhat of a depression (Mr. Ryan considers himself to be a fine, upstanding Christian as most of the GOP does, claiming to be the standard bearer of family values and all).  While in my comatose state, I dreamt that I was in a Judge Judy-style courtroom where my alter ego was the judge (The Dalai Mama), a conglomerate of Trump’s ex-wives, pissed-off feminists, ripped-off Trump University students, the poor, assorted Mexicans, a bunch of Muslims, and decent human beings in general were the Plaintiff, and the GOP was the Defendant.  As with all my dreams and fantasies, I won the battle for truth.  (If only life were that easy…)

Trump Stealing soul of Gop RJ Matson Roll Call

Cartoon used by permission: RJ Matson Roll Call||Cagle Cartoons



ANNOUNCER:    [Disembodied voice heard offstage]Entering through the door on the left of Judge Dalai Mama’s Court is the Plaintiff ‘Truth’ who is suing the Defendant ‘GOP’ for breach of contract.  Entering through the door on the right is the Defendant, the GOP.”

BAILIFF:  [Big burly Black guy in police uniform]ALL RISE for the trial of Truth vs. the GOP!!   The Court of the No-nonsense Judicial Circuit is now in session.  The Honorable Judge Dalai Mama is presiding.”

BAILIFF:  [Swearing in the Plaintiff and the Defendant] “Do you promise the testimony you are about to give will faithfully and truthfully conform to the facts of this trial?  Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”


BAILIFF:  “You may proceed.”

JUDGE DALAI MAMA:  “Befo’ I call on either one of y’all to testify, you both better know that I don’t take no crap—you hear me?  My court ain’t called the “no-nonsense” court for nothin’.  You mess with me, and I won’t hesitate to knock you upside yo’ head.  Capisce?”


JUDGE DALAI MAMA:  “All right—now that we all on the same page—why don’t we start with the Plaintiff.  Ms. Truth, it says here that you are suin’ the GOP for breach of contract.  Why?  It says here in my court brief that you two used to be lovers.”

PLAINTIFF:  “’Used to be’ are the operative words, your honor.  This jerk has played me for the last time.  I’ve put up with his xenophobia, I’ve put up with his stinginess, I’ve put up with his lyin’, and I’ve put up with his duplicity, but I’m drawin’ the line with his latest punk-ass stunt.”

JUDGE DALAI MAMA:  “Ms. Truth, the term ‘punk ass’ is not a legal term.  I would caution you to stick to courtroom language, Girlfriend.”

PLAINTIFF:  “Sorry, Your Honor.  He’s just got me so upset, I can barely breathe.  I just found out that he has urged the Republicans in Congress to support that pig Donald Trump in spite of all the disparaging ways The Donald has treated me.  I’ve tried to reason with the Defendant in the past, but yesterday was the final straw.”

JUDGE DALAI MAMA:    “What happened yesterday?”

PLAINTIFF:  “The Defendant rolled over and took it up the ass from The Donald when Paul Ryan and Donald Trump had that sham meeting on Capitol Hill after Paul Ryan intimated that he’d never support that jerk.”

JUDGE DALAI MAMA:  [Judge’s gavel thunders throughout the courtroom as the judge pounds in rapid-fire succession against her desk.)  “Hey, hey, hey—courtroom decorum Ms. Truth, or you’ll be fined for bein’ in contempt.  Get it together, Baby!”

Ryan Endorsing Trump Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com

Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund,||Cagle Cartoons

PLAINTIFF:  “Yes, Your Honor . . . sorry.  What I’m sayin’ is that yesterday was bad, but today was the pièce de résistance.  I woke up to the news that the Secret Service (and rightfully so) is investigating Trump’s long-time butler of 30 years/Mar-a-Lago tour guide ‘historian’ (Anthony Senecal) because he has recently published quite a few Facebook screeds about wanting President Obama (and his wife) to be executed.  Referring to the President as ‘our pus headed president’ and ‘kenyan (sic) fraud’–saying he should be ‘hung for treason,’ as well as stating, that the President ‘should have been taken out by our military and shot as an enemy agent in his first term.’ He went on to say that Muslims should be ‘shot at the shore’ instead of being allowed to come into our country and for added security, our President ‘should be hung from the portico of the White Mosque.’  And you know what? The Defendant—the GOP—hasn’t said a mumbling word of chastisement to a man who may soon be a finger-click away from our nuclear bombs about the fact that he has tolerated such an asshole in his employment for over thirty years.  (You can’t convince me that someone who has worked that intimately with The Donald hasn’t shared his horrid views with ‘The King,’ as Mr. Senecal affectionately refers to him.) This butler’s apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and just undergirds what a bastard Donald Trump is underneath all that Republican smooshing—you can bet your sweet ass on that truth!  Why in God’s name doesn’t the Defendant distance himself from this Neanderthal?”

JUDGE DALAI MAMA: [Furious banging of the gavel is heard] “Order . . . order in the court!  Ms. Truth, this is your last warning about court decorum.  Don’t make me come down there and smack you upside your head.  I think you need to stand down and check yo’self.  (Sweet Jesus, I’m gonna need myself a stiff drink befo’ this trial is over.)  Now, will the Defendant, Mr. GOP, please state your rebuttal?

DEFENDANT:  “Absolutely, Your Honor!  I have a prepared statement to read in my defense which should put this case to bed in my favor.  May I proceed?”

JUDGE DALAI MAMA: “As you wish, Mr. GOP, but hear this:  My mama didn’t raise no fools.  Tread carefully, ‘cause if I catch you lyin’, you’re toast.”

DEFENDANT: “No problem, Your Honor.  My Republican brand stands for Truth (with a capital ‘T’):  family values, Christian virtues, intelligent leadership, and compassionate conservatism.  After all, my party is the one that freed the slaves.  Why would I jeopardize my reputation supporting a candidate who didn’t represent those values?  And to prove my point, I would like to point out to the Court that our Republican nominee for the Presidency is supported by prominent Christian televangelists and Christian University presidents (Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, Jr. for example) and prosperity preachers who think God wants us all to be rich, just like Mr. Trump.  In fact, these ‘Name-it-and-claim-it’ preachers deem to call The Donald their friend.  They simply adore him.  All that gold that surrounds him, the private planes that transport him, and the beauty queens that have adorned his arms through the years are just what the prosperity preachers believe to be the righteous man’s due.  Not only do these pillars of our Christian churches support Mr. Trump but many of them have gone on record to proclaim his ‘Born-again status.’”

Make America Grunt Again John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune||Cagle Cartoons

JUDGE DALAI MAMA:  “Is that so, Mr. GOP?”

DEFENDANT:  “Yes, indeed, Your Honor.  Why one of the top female prosperity-doctrine preachers, Ms. Paula White, has preached to a crowd of thousands that Mr. Trump is ‘saved’ and should be our next president.  Ms. White has gone on record to say that she gave him a Bible signed by none other than the great Rev. Billy Graham.  She says that the Bible even included a note with a ‘prophetic word’ over Mr. Trump—although, I’ve never seen it, so I’ll just have to take her word for it.  On top of all this glowing support, Ms. Paula White is a leader of a predominantly Black congregation.  Your Honor, don’t you think if Mr. Trump were such a racist xenophobe as Ms. Truth suggests, that a multi-cultural congregation would not so readily pay for Ms. White to own a condo in Trump Tower as well as support her shopping and plastic surgery addiction?”

JUDGE DALAI MAMA:  “Well, like my mama used to say: ‘a fool and his money is easily parted.’ But go on.”

PLAINTIFF:  “Seriously?!  Your Honor, are you listening to him?  These Christian televangelists are cut from the same cloth as Trump—they are like two peas in a pod.  What about his failed Trump University that is being sued by ex-students—poor people—who went into credit-card debt as much as $35,000 because Trump allegedly promised he could ‘turn anyone into a successful real estate investor, including you. . ?’  It was a scam—a bunch of real estate workshops in hotel ballrooms!  Oh my God, doesn’t any other Christian besides me see this subterranean creature for what he truly is?   Oh, and what about his crude chats with shock-jock Howard Stern in the late 90s when the two of them would critique women’s looks (and I quote), “…Her boob job is terrible. They look like two light posts coming out of a body.” And this:  “A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10.”  He has boasted for years about all the women chasing him and his stud-like sex life, not to mention his love ‘em and dump ‘em thrice married sorry behind.

The man is crude, rude, and should be stewed! But instead, he’s being justified and heralded by leading Christian Evangelists.  And what about the $85,000 Trump paid for four full-page, explosive ads in NYC newspapers to demand the death penalty against five Black and Latino teenagers who were wrongfully convicted for the brutal assault, rape, and sodomy of a White twenty-eight year old investment banker?  The Huffington Post said he called them “rapists, thugs, killers, wild criminals, muggers, murderers, crazed misfits?”  The only problem was: THE 14-16 YEAR OLDS TURNED OUT TO BE NOT QUILTY AND THEIR CONFESSIONS HAD BEEN COERSED!!  Many years later, another man who was a serial rapist and murderer serving a life sentence in prison fully confessed to committing the crime all by himself.  He knew details about the horrid event that only the investigators could have known, and his DNA matched the crime scene DNA, whereas it never matched the accused teens.  Marry that confession with a record of rampant investigative negligence and you have reasonable doubt, as you well know Your Honor.  The teens were exonerated after spending five to thirteen years in prison and given millions in a settlement from NYC a decade after their false imprisonment which The Donald hysterically railed against.   If Trump had had his racist, hot-headed way in 1989, five teenagers—children (angels by no means and hooligans for sure, but still children)—would have been turned into a line in the Billie Holiday song, ‘Strange Fruit’‘Blood on the leaves and blood at the root… strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.’  And here’s the rub:  Trump never, ever apologized, and still publicly questions the Central Park Five’s proven innocence, because the man is incapable of admitting he is wrong. [1] [2] [3]

If Donald Trump had the power and the money in the late 80s to call for the annihilation of the lives of five Black and Latino children who were falsely accused of a crime, what does the GOP think he’ll do in a hot-headed moment against any number of American minorities, an Arab nation, Mexico, or China?”


Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune||Cagle Cartoons

JUDGE DALAI MAMA: “Hum, hum . . . I think I’ve heard enough to make a rulin’.  Will the Plaintiff and the Defendant please stand?  It is clear to me that the Defendant, Mr. GOP, has turned his back on Truth and pretty much sold his soul to the Devil as it pertains to the justification of that dog, Donald Trump.  Mr. GOP has swallowed the wormwood, sorry-ass nature of Mr. Trump—hook, line, and sinker—for the supposed sake of unity to try and ‘unblacken’ the White House in November (as Larry Wilmore would say).  Win at all cost seems to be the GOP’s motto.   Well, Mr. GOP, I’m here to tell you that God don’t like ugly, and I’ve got a feelin’ that your ass is gonna be grass come November, ‘cause the Lawd will not be mocked—you hear me?  Therefore, I, Judge Dalai Mama, rules in favor of the Plaintiff—Truth!  After all this slime, Girlfriend needs a hot bath and a drink. This court is hereby dismissed!”

Trump Bitter Pill Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune||Cagle Cartoons



I am discovering that I am trying not to panic, but Lord have mercy, this shit just got real with Trump and Paul Ryan’s sham meeting with all but four or five members of the Republicans in Congress throwing their support behind The Donald.  The Speaker of the House who looked like a deer caught in the glare of headlights must have used the word “encouraging” at least half a dozen times when referencing his meeting with Trump, which is like saying, “My lunch with Beelzebub was very ‘encouraging’ as he yanked me down into Hell!”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not in the tank for Hillary.  I will vote for her, but I will be holding my nose the entire time just on the premise that we don’t need another Bush/Clinton in the White House—two families have held the presidency for twenty years!  (How is it that in a country of 323,814,755 people as of May 16th the best we could find to run for the highest office in the land were a clown car of jabronis on the Republican side, one grumpy old man on the Democrat side promising free shit to kids with no way to pay for it (no kid wants to ever grow up and pay for anything), and two qualified candidates (Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton) from two washed-out presidential dynasties?  If we manage to get through November without the unholy, racist, pig Donald Trump becoming president (ARE YOU LISTENING, GOD; IT’S ME, ELEANOR?), then we need to start beating the bushes to find men and women of integrity who will come out of hiding by 2020 and lead our great nation in a manner which it deserves because my heart can’t take much more of this.  Moving to Canada won’t be far enough to get away from the madness that will ensue. I might just have to exit stage left of this planet and go hang out with my God.  Just sayin’.

Hillary John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune||Cagle Cartoons



“And I can teach you, kinsman, how to shame the devil—by telling the truth! ‘Tell the truth and shame the devil,’ as the old saying goes. If you do have the power to call him up, then bring him here. And I’ll swear I have the power to shame him into leaving. Oh, for goodness sake, tell the truth and shame the devil!”—Character of Henry ‘Hotspur’ Percy from Henry IV by Shakespeare

In the 1990s, when another Clinton was president, conservatives became fond of the phrase “character counts.” This was a way of scoring points against Bill Clinton for his sexual predations and rhetorical misdirections, as well as a statement that Americans expected honor and dignity in the Oval Office. I’ll never forget the family friend, circa 1998, who wondered how she was supposed to explain the meaning of a euphemism for oral sex to her then 10-year-old daughter. . . Endorsing Mr. Trump means permanently laying to rest any claim conservatives might ever again make on the character issue.”Brett Stevens, the Wall Street Journal from article: “Hillary the Conservative Hope”

None of the Above Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle||Cagle Cartoons



WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (Paperback and Kindle).


REFERENCES   [1]  [2]  [3]

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.



Posted by on May 14, 2016 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , ,


  1. Elyse

    May 14, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    Oh my dear, Paul Ryan sold his soul long ago. I think he is a handsome sort of evil doer — the guy in the movie nobody expects is the serial killer (or the serial starver of children). I think he is positioning himself so that in 2020, he can say “I didn’t go along with Trump, altogether. So elect ME President!”)

    I’ve felt like the woman in that second cartoon for months. Stop saying Trump Can’t because then Trump Does!

  2. imagesbytdashfield

    May 14, 2016 at 4:59 pm

    Some miracle has to happen else we are all screwed!!! Never has an election struck such fear in my heart and mind. Fugly doesn’t even scratch the surface.

  3. composerinthegarden

    May 15, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    Be afraid, be very afraid. When I see people vote for a person who brings out the very worst in them, I am both deeply sad and very worried. This is like an extended run of crowd mania.

  4. Fumon

    May 15, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    From this day forth, you shall always (in my mind, at least) be the Dalai Mama!


  5. Ann Gaudreaux

    May 16, 2016 at 9:19 pm

    Bingo! You nailed it! When a columnist for WSJ says we must move toward Clinton, you know how bad things are. As the “With All Due Respect” guys say, Donald J. Trump, Billionaire infer, all he has is money. He is absolutely awful, and Zi am being nice. A

    Sent from my iPad


  6. Calvin S

    May 16, 2016 at 9:53 pm

    Whose Donald Trump ?

    yours truly
    C.W. Smardas


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