(This week’s post is about the results of Super Tuesday amongst the Republican candidates and is very loosely based on the Frankenstein horror story by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, written in 1818. My humble apologies to Mrs. Shelley for upstaging her monster who almost looks tame compared to mine.)
Cartoonist Dan Piraro, www.bizarro.com
Do you know what I discovered when I awoke on the morning after Super Tuesday? I had had a dream. A dream so filled with horror that I doubt I’ll be able to shake its effects for a very, very long time. It was a dream that filled my heart with terror and my mind with unshakeable images. But wait: lest you think I exaggerate, let me recount the tale, and you can judge for yourself.
I dreamt that I was a captain of a mighty ship. My name was Captain Jane Walton of the Clear Vision Shipping Company. My ship was the Pure of Heart and this was its maiden voyage which had set sail for the Port of True North. We had been at sea for many months when we encountered a rather large being on a battered lifeboat that had seen better days. Both lifeboat and being seemed to be on their last legs, so to speak, and were sinking fast.
I ordered my crew to rescue the creature, and after much exertion they managed to bring the mutilated lump aboard. It was hard to tell what its original form was at first. Man, woman, animal, alien? Who could tell because it was broken and shattered into what seemed like a million pieces. As the form unfolded on the deck, I realized it was an elephant—albeit barely recognizable due to its lacerations and multiple bruises. The elephant was incoherent and could barely stand up.
Cartoon used by permission: Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons.com
“Creature, what is your name,” I asked? “And what brings you to such a desperate moment in such a watery grave?”
“My name is Dr. GOP Frankenstein,” replied the discombobulated creature as he gasped for air. “I was beaten and pulverized by a creature of my own making, and he set me adrift to die at sea. Had you not come along dear Captain, all would have been lost.”
I could tell that the elephant had once been a stately fellow, but little of its original grandeur remained. As my brain recalled a long forgotten history of a pachyderm that had represented a people who were part of Abraham Lincoln’s Party—the emancipator of the slaves—I grew sad at how far it had fallen.
As I nursed Dr. Frankenstein back to health, he began to share the incredible story of his downfall with me. The doctor told me he was born in 1854—birthed in opposition to the Kansas–Nebraska Act which was trying to extend slavery into the territories. He was a party that in its heyday had been supported by everyone from White Protestants, to factory workers, to farmers, to abolitionists, and African-Americans. But somewhere along the way, he had lost his vision and went in search of the secret to encompassing total greed and ultimate power and discovered that what he sought existed on the island of Ayn Rand-NRA. Their nation’s motto is: “I’ve got mine, too bad you don’t have yours—it sure sucks for you! Now get out of my face before I blow your brains out with my ‘2nd Amendment Right-to-Carry AK-15.’”
Convinced that he had enough knowledge to construct a super mini-me to take over the land of White House and gain control of the country’s citizens, Dr. GOP Frankenstein created a being out of different body parts: a self-righteous form of Christianity, obstructionism, greed, racism, self-centeredness, crudeness, sexism, and the poorly educated. The organs of the creature were anti-Muslim, pro-guns, anti-taxation, anti-Obama, anti-abortion, anti-immigration, and anti-climate control.
One fateful night, Dr. Frankenstein threw the electrical switch and voila! A monster was born: Frankenstein Trump!
Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee www.miltpriggee.com
Unlike his namesake in the story of old (Dr. “Victor” Frankenstein), GOP was at first elated with his creation. When Frankenstein Trump fled to the land of Birther and relentlessly accused the first Black President of the United States of not being born in America, his creator didn’t stop the monster’s onslaught. In fact, Dr. Frankenstein smugly smiled to himself and gleefully cheered behind closed doors because he had made a vow to destroy Citizen Barack Obama and make him a one-term President. When Frankenstein Trump threatened to ban all Muslims from entering the country and building a giant wall to the heavens to keep out all Mexicans, Dr. GOP cheered—immigration of the brown people south of the border solved—check! When the monster seduced the White Evangelicals, White disgruntled men, White supremacists, and the poorly educated, forcing Dr. Frankenstein to create another monster and turn them into the Bride of Frankenstein, Dr. GOP facilitated the making of a monster bride and pretended it was for the saving of America Land. This was good, GOP thought—this was power—this was the way to the land of White House! The more inept and corrupt the monster became, the more his creator looked away until it was too late.
Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News
On March 1st—known as Super Tuesday—Frankenstein Trump escaped from his creator and devoured some of Dr. GOP’s favorite sons. Frankenstein Trump had turned into a raging, blustering, crude, no-nothing bully. But the monster had become “HUUUGE” and strong, and try as he could, Dr. Frankenstein was unable to reign in his misguided creature. For the first time the doctor was afraid—very afraid. By the time I rescued him that fateful night, Dr. GOP was beside himself. He said he had “tried everything to stop his creation’s momentum, but nothing was working.” It was looking like—unless a miracle happened—that Frankenstein Trump would be President Trump of the greatest country on Earth in November, and Dr. GOP would splinter into a million pieces—never to be heard from again. The process had already begun.
What was not known until Dr. Frankenstein confessed it to me is that Frankenstein Trump was not his first monster creation. GOP had created the Cuban twins Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz—one he adored, the other he despised. Both hated their most recent brother-creation and vowed to destroy him for the sake of their father.
Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star
Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star
But Frankenstein Trump just poked them both in the eyes and laughed in their faces while Dr. GOP Frankenstein sobbed over the monster he had assembled. The Doc told me of a plan to make a multimillion-dollar assault against Frankenstein Trump by carpet bombing Florida, Illinois, and Ohio with a ruthless ad blitz to stop the monster from winning the Republican nomination. I laughed because even I knew it was too little too late. I could hear the voice of Alex Castellanos (a veteran media consultant) blowing in the wind, who had attempted an earlier “Stop Frankenstein Trump” assault and failed: “A fantasy effort to stop Trump. . . exists only as the denial stage of grief.”
Cartoon used by permission: Bill Day, Cagle Cartoons
Dr. GOP left my ship when we pulled into the Harbor of Sanity, and we haven’t spoken face-to-face since. Every once and awhile I hear voices blowing in the wind mingled with screams coming from the hills. The monster keeps screaming, “I win, I win—losers,” and tepidly taunting his haters with comments like “I won’t disavow the KKK, OK” as he shouts to his hyped-up village followers: “I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN,” as the villagers raise their pitch forks and rifles in salute to him: “Frankenstein, Frankenstein, you’re our man—if you can’t save us, no one can!” And if I listen carefully, I hear the blood-curdling screams of Dr. GOP whose soul the creature has fractured and is devouring inch by inch—bit by bit.
Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle
“CAPTAIN JANE WALTON’S ‘SELAH’” (AHA) MOMENT
I am discovering that as I go about my daily life, praying that the Almighty God will protect my country from the demon that Dr. GOP has wrought, I wonder how many lives he will devour before finally being destroyed. Recently one evening, as I double-checked to see that all the doors in my home were barred against the invasion of this monster, I saw a news conference from his lair—Mar-a-Lago. There Frankenstein Trump stood in all his glory—beating his chest and crowing his victory over his creator, Dr. GOP. It was a sight to behold, but nothing was more cringe-worthy than seeing the chubby-ass monster he had enslaved—Governor Chris Christie. There the Governor of New Jersey stood—in invisible chains, silently screaming—looking just as one should look when one has sold one’s soul to bask in the presence of an evil entity. It was then I heard a rumor that the Grand Pooh-bah of the Republican party, Mitt Romney, thinks that “Donald Trump is a phony, a fraud” and that he’s “playing the American public for suckers” and “under Trump, America would cease to be a shining city on a hill.” But all that did was confuse me. Wasn’t Romney the “good Mormon” man who had basked in the glory of Frankenstein Trump’s embrace just four years ago? Didn’t this Mormon man of God—an elder in his church—say that “Having his [Trump’s] endorsement is a delight . . .” That he was “honored and pleased” and that it “meant a great deal to have his [Trump’s] endorsement?” Now Romney planned to put on a robe made from a profile in courage to come to the town square, leading a mob to try and kill the monster.
All I could think of as a single tear slid down my left check: “Oh, Dr. GOP, what hath thou wrought, what have you done? You have sold our American soul to the Devil!”
Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune
QUOTES ABOUT TRUMP, OOPS, I MEAN FRANKENSTEIN
“If I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear!” ― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
“When falsehood can look so like the truth, who can assure themselves of certain happiness?”― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
“You are my creator, but I am your master; obey!”― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
“Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust?”― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
“It’s becoming obvious that supporting or not supporting [Trump] isn’t a political choice. It’s a moral choice. The man is evil.”—Tweet by Stuart Stevens, top adviser to Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign in 2012
“Mr. Trump’s character is antithetical to many of the qualities evangelicals should prize in a political leader: integrity, compassion and reasoned convictions, wisdom and prudence, trustworthiness, a commitment to the moral good. . . . Why a significant number of evangelicals are rallying round a man who exposes them as hypocrites is difficult to fathom.”—Peter Wehner, The New York Times
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