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‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 2015

17 Dec

A cynical poem, ripped off, truncated, and bastardized (as only this blogger can do) from the illustrious Clement Clarke Moore’s poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas”—first published in 1823.

***

xmas-stockings

Photo Credit:  Eleanor Tomczyk

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Earth

 Every mortal was trembling, fearing another ISIS curse.

 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

 in hopes that St. Nick would make it past any terrorist scare.

ISIS vs Santa Marian Kemensky Slovakia

Cartoon used by permission: Marian Kemensky, Slovakia/Cagle Cartoons 

 The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

 while visions of a major toy haul danced in their heads.

Advertising for Santa David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle Cartoons

 My man snoring like a freight train, and me staring at the stars,

 had just settled our brains—dreaming of the coming movie premiere of Star Wars.

Star Wars John Darkow Columbia Daily Tribune Missouri

Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri/Cagle

 When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

 I sprang from my bed to see what the fuck was the matter.

 Away to the window I flew like a flash,

 Pulled open the blinds, and gasped at the crash!

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

 gave the lustre of midday to objects below,

 when, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

 but an Amazon drone entangled with eight tiny reindeer.

Amazon Drone Santa Crash Marian Kemensky Slovakia

Cartoon used by permission:  Marian Kemensky, Slovakia/Cagle

 With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

 I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

 More rapid than eagles, his security team they came,

As he whistled and shouted and called his reindeer by name:

Santa Security David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle

 “Now Dasher! Now Dancer!

 Now, Prancer and Vixen!

 On, Comet! On, Cupid!

 On, Donner and Blitzen!

 To the top of the porch!

 To the top of the wall!

 Now dash away! Dash away!

 Dash away all!”

Santa Crashes Pierre Ballouhey

Used by permission: Pierre Ballouhey, France/Cagle Cartoons

 And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

 the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

 I pulled out my Glock pistol as I surveyed the ground,

 while down the chimney Santa came with a bound.

 He startled me—this man all dressed in fur, from his head to his foot,

 Was this really Santa all tarnished with ashes and soot?

 Only one large box had he stuffed in his sack,

Not copious gifts I thought would be in his pack.

santa

Santa Wallpaper/Google

 I freaked out! I admit it! This white man had scared me!

 (Officer:  “I was standing my ground—trying to protect my family!”)

  Plus where was my fur coat, my coach bag, my Samsung telly?

SC’s body shook as he screamed in surprise, when I shot him in the belly.

Homeowner shoots

Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune/Cagle

 He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

He moaned when I screamed: “I’M SORRY!” in spite of myself.

 “I didn’t know you were Santa, I truly lost my head

But may I ask what you brought me before I declare your ass dead?”

Peace on Earth II Taylor Jones El Nuevo Dia Puerto Rico

Cartoon used by permission: Taylor Jones, El Nuevo Dia, Puerto Rico/Cagle

 “PEACE—LITTLE MOFO,” groaned the jolly ol’ man.

 “It’s what you’ve been asking for, it’s all part of the plan.

 The Babe in the manger, love, peace, and forgiveness in repose,”

 You know, Christ the Son—who lived, who died, and on the third day arose.”

Peace on Earth III Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle/Cagle

 Santa sprang to his sleigh while to my knees I did fall,

 “I’m getting’ to old for this shit, he said to them all.”

 But I heard him with grace exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

Only Begotten Son Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle

Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle/Cagle

“Happy Christmas you poor, pathetic, confused humans, and to all a good night!”

christmas-house

Photo Credit:  Eleanor Tomczyk

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE TOMCZYK HOUSEHOLD TO YOU AND YOURS

Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me, you, and every human being on Earth in 2016!”

***

 (This is my Christmas card to all my readers.  I’ll be taking a break until the New Year to spend time with my family who are arriving from here, there, and everywhere.  Not to mention my precious grandson who I can hardly wait to smother with hugs and kisses.  It will be great to step away from all the bad news for a season (I’m sure it will still be here when I return) and concentrate on what is most important in life—family.  Merry Christmas everyone, and wishing you a very peaceful New Year!

***

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS?  Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz are both on sale at Amazon (hardcopy and Kindle).

Peace for Christmas David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Cartoon used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on December 17, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

10 responses to “‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 2015

  1. momshieb

    December 17, 2015 at 8:44 pm

    Thanks for the laugh! Wishing you and your family a wonderful Christmas season with tons of food, good wine and many laughs!

     
    • etomczyk

      December 17, 2015 at 9:02 pm

      Moms: Same to you, my friend. All the best.

       
  2. Ann Gaudreaux

    December 18, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    Peace be with all of you this Christmas. XO A

    Sent from my iPad

    >

     
  3. imagesbytdashfield

    December 18, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    Ah you’ve outdone yourself here! And we have those same light up packages on our front porch 🙂 Merry Christmas to you and yours, E.

     
  4. calvin

    December 18, 2015 at 11:25 pm

    With humour you kick, punch and jackhammer at the very foundation of the bastions of tradition for what truly is at the core of the season -love and peace for all regardless of race, religion and orientation. Have a good break Eleanor from the insanity out there in the wilds of mankind, and enjoy your first Christmas in your new digs. When family gathers, fond memories will be made and it will become a home rather than a new house. Merry Christmas Shtufffs and a Happy New Year from myself and one recovering nicely canine dogen (received good news today it wasn’t the big ‘C’).

     
  5. becomingcliche

    December 19, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    Wishing you peace this Christmas season and always.

     
  6. Mal

    December 21, 2015 at 1:43 am

    Haha. Enjoyed! Happy Christmas, dear Eleanor, love, laughter and hugs. xx 😊

     
  7. aFrankAngle

    December 24, 2015 at 6:52 am

    Oh my my … now that was funny. What a blend of the classic Christmas story, modern day stuff, and E-Tomisms … No mention of your favorite political characters. (Well done on that!) … Merry Christmas to you, WW, and your entire family.

     
  8. Dawn Quyle Landau

    December 27, 2015 at 5:18 pm

    Oh, you are good! Hoping 2016 brings you much joy, Eleanor! Check out my blog post on Gratitude. I’d love to have you join the 50+ bloggers who have linked up so far. I know you’d make it fun. 🙂

     
    • etomczyk

      December 28, 2015 at 9:09 am

      Hi Dawn. Same wish of joy to you. Thanks for the invite to contribute to your gratitude blog, but I have no time to write anything beyond my own blog because I’m in the midst of writing my third book which is due to be published next year. Appreciate the offer though. All the best.

       

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