Do you know what I discovered this week? In the midst of wars and rumors of wars, planes being bombed out of the skies, children being gunned down right and left in our inner cities, four million Syrian refugees seeking asylum from terror, and ISIS revealing themselves to be Satan incarnate, there is now a war on Christmas! Apparently, when I wasn’t paying attention, some Christian evangelist discovered the terrorist plot being promoted by Starbucks. Those heathens had removed the previous years’ snowflakes, Christmas trees, and ornaments from their red cups. The nerve! At first I couldn’t grasp why this Christian evangelist was so outraged over some secular symbols being removed from a paper cup by a secular company, until I stumbled upon what he must have known all along: the long, lost, Dead Sea Scrolls of how a paper coffee cup was sent to save all of mankind. Now I get it! This is why Donald Trump wanted to lead a boycott against Starbucks, as well. The long lost “scriptures” made it very, very clear. How had I missed this divine revelation?
Cartoon Used by Permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News/Cagle Cartoons
THE LONG LOST “TRUE” (THOUGH HARD TO BELIEVE) CHRISTMAS STORY AS FOUND IN THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS OF LUKE 2:1-20
1 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world of seasonal paper coffee cups.
2 (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria regarding disposable cups at trendy coffee shops.)
3 And everyone went to his own town to register their favorite decorative cups.
4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Seattle to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David of Starbucks which started in Washington State.
5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a rather unique pumpkin spice latte bundle.
6 While they were there, the time came for the latte (affectionately known to Mary as her “little Caramel Macchiato”) to be born,
7 and she gave birth to her first overpriced, dark roasted beans, known as the “second wave coffee.” She wrapped the coffee in a red cup adorned with Christmas trees, ornaments, and snowmen and placed her precious Caramel Macchiato, Venti, Skim, Extra Shot, Extra-Hot, Extra-Whip, Sugar-Free coffee in that sacred red cup in a manger, because there was no room for them in the coffee shops throughout the land.
Cartoon Used by Permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons
8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their brand x unimaginative coffee in plain brown cups at night.
9 An angel of the Coffee Bean God appeared to them, and the glory of the Bean God shone around them, and they were terrified.
10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all coffee addicts.
11 Today in the town of Seattle a Savior has been born to you; he is Pumpkin Latte (or Caramel Macchiato, if you prefer).
12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a delicious brew of coffee wrapped in a commercially decorated red cup and lying in a manger with your name on it.“
13 Suddenly a great company of heavenly coffee stores appeared with the angel, praising the Coffee God and saying,
14 “Glory to Starbucks in the highest, and on earth peace to men and women on whom this coffee makes jittery.”
Cartoon Used by Permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune/Cagle Cartoons
15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to our local Starbucks and see this thing that has happened, which the Coffee God has told us about.”
16 So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the decorated red cup, who was lying in the manger.
17 When they had seen the little latte, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this coffee salvation born in a commercially decorated cup,
18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.
19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.
20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising the Coffee God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told,
. . . ABOUT WHAT A CUP OF COFFEE MEANS TO THE SALVATION OF MANKIND!
(My deepest apologies to the God of the Universe for the misappropriation of the Holy Scriptures. But somehow I think God has a great sense of humor, so I am not worried. Can’t say that much about some of his followers who have lost their ever-lovin’ “war-on-Christmas minds”!)
Cartoon Used by Permission: Rick McKee The Augusta Chronicle/Cagle Cartoon
THE WRITER’S “SELAH” OR “AHA” MOMENT ABOUT STARBUCKS “WAR ON CHRISTMAS”
I am discovering that if, as a Christian, you are bent out of shape about a secular coffee company choosing not to put pine trees, snowflakes, or Christmas ornaments on their red cups at Christmas, then you don’t know the true meaning of Christmas. Not to mention the fact that we’ve got bigger issues at hand in our country and the world. As for those larger more important issues: For all the Christian politicians racing to the dark side to throw the Syrian refugees under the ISIS bus and to reign down terror on our innocent Muslim sisters and brothers in America (demanding we round them up and throw them out of the USA), then may I suggest that you have a little talk with Jesus and find out what Luke 2:1-20 is really all about.
Cartoon Used by Permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star/Cagle Cartoons
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS (CAN YOU GUESS THE COUNTERFEIT ONE? LOL!)
“Kristina Vindiola said she was ringing a bell outside the Walmart to raise money for the charity when a woman took exception to her saying ‘Happy Holidays,’ KNXV-TV, Phoenix, reported Tuesday.
‘The lady looked at me,’ said Vindiola. ‘I thought she was going to put money in the kettle. She came up to me and said, ‘Do you believe in God?’ And she says, ‘You’re supposed to say Merry Christmas,’ and that’s when she hit me.”—Free Thought Blogs
“In the attempt to be freed of the enemy without, we can be tempted to feed the enemy within. To imitate the hatred and violence of tyrants and murderers is the best way to take their place.”—Pope Francis
“For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”— Isaiah 9:6
WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!
LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.