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ONE PRATFALL AWAY FROM DISASTER

18 Oct

Do you know what I discovered this week?  My body has been taken over by an alien, and it has gone into full-scale rebellion against my heart and mind.  I woke up this morning with a Charlie horse in my ass that won’t quit, and all I did the day before was squat to remove two—say it again: two—stray weeds from my garden bed.  I also have some type of weird crick in my back.  I have no idea why it happened.  All I know is that right before I temporarily turned into the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I must have pissed off the gods somehow when I had the audacity to wear my favorite five-inch heels to a social event for two hours and fifteen minutes.  (The nerve!)  Don’t even get me started about the Nazi torture that happens to me if something drops on the floor these days, and I crouch down to retrieve it.  When my brain tells my legs “You can resume standing, now that you have the object in hand, Sweet-cheeks;” my body doesn’t budge (it sticks as if frozen into place), and some demon on my shoulder falls over in gales of laughter at the spectacle of it all!  I don’t pick up anything that falls on the floor anymore.  If WW (“White and Wonderful—my husband of 36 years) doesn’t pick it up, then it will stay there until the cleaning service comes (every other week).  The last time I did try and pick up a dropped grape, I couldn’t get back up and had to do a barrel roll over to the stove and pull myself up with the ol’ right hand on the oven door, left hand on the counter, and a double-turn-grab on the freezer handle to set myself aright.  Doing so knocked my back out for hours.  OMG!

WTF people!  Can someone tell me what is happening to my body?

Getting Older

I HEARD THAT!  And I am not interested in getting older, thank you very much!  This is not what was advertised.  When I turned 65 a couple of years ago, I was told that I would be entering my “golden years.”  The word “golden” implies that one will be “rich with splendor,” “radiant,” and marked with “splendor and grace.”  Being unable to walk without a slight waddle from side to side because my joints are so stiff from sitting at a dinner table or after a long drive does not spell splendor and grace to me—I’d call it one pratfall away from disaster.  I’m only 67 years old, for God’s sake.  According to Hollywood, 67 is the new 47!  I should be running marathons, going sky diving, and leaking my chubby-ass sex tape on the Internet.  If these are the actions of my body at 67, what will it do at 87?

Old People Butts thefunnybeaver dot com

I am a Baby Boomer, and even though I “technically” know that death is inevitable, like most of my Baby-Boomer fellow travelers, I never expected it to happen to me.  Because this is where all these aches and pains are leading:  Death.  Right?  My body is slowly but surely breaking down and going back to whence it came—dust unto dust.  As the great Martha Beck says, “I knew death was inevitable, but I had hoped an exception might be made in my case.”  As I brooded over this nasty road I was traveling down, I decided to drive to Ohio and visit a friend who is twenty years my senior, and who lives in an independent/assisted living home.   At 87, my friend seems to be handling the inevitable pretty well.  I talk to her every week.  She used to be a travel agent and traveled all over the world, but now she is stuck in the independent portion of the old folk’s home.  But she never complains—is always cheerful—and I hoped she’d have some pearls of wisdom to help me with the last third of my life.  You could have knocked me over with a feather when I discovered what I discovered when I talked to her.

ME:        My friend, I am really having a hard time with this aging thing.  Every day there’s some new thing happening in my body—some breakdown no one warned me about.  How do you feel about being 87?

FRIEND:  How do you think I feel?  It sucks!  I never expected to live this long.  If you had told me when I was your age that I’d live to be 87, I would have laughed in your face.  I am legally blind, can’t completely control my bladder (when I have to go, I have to go—right then and there—there is no such thing as holding it!), and I can’t hear unless people shout (even with hearing aids).  Since my heart attack two years ago, I can no longer go for long walks.  A long walk these days is down the hall to the dining room or across the building to the multi-purpose room to play Bingo.   My everyday companions are the people who sit at my table for lunch and dinner.  Two of them are nonagenarians and the third is an octogenarian.  All three of them have lost their minds.  I think the nonagenarians are having sex—at least they invited me to their wedding on Monday because they didn’t want to continue living “in sin,” but then on Thursday, the female announced that the wedding was off because she has decided she is a lesbian.  Her befuddled fiancé looked like he was going to burst into tears and left the table to go watch TV.  The octogenarian who sits at my table hides her jewelry and then complains all through the meal—each and every meal—that the shifty-eyed nurses have stolen her stuff.  I tell her every single day right before I turn off my hearing aid:  “Ain’t nobody stole your crap, Delores!  You just forgot where you put it, again!”  My only consolation is that my mind is still sharp as a tack.   But as for all the rest of what is happening to me and around me . . .  As the kids say:  “It sucks, big time.”

Cat in the Hat on Aging Refrigerator Magnet ebay dot com

Cat in the Hat on Aging Refrigerator Magnet from http://www.ebay.com

ME:  Noooooo, say it isn’t so!  But you took care of yourself.  You ate right and you exercised.  This isn’t fair.

FRIEND:  Who ever said life was fair, Kiddo?  I thought that was the number one lesson I taught you growing up.

ME:  [Sigh!]  What do you miss the most from your younger days?

FRIEND:  Everything!  Driving, reading, traveling, talking without a lisp—my dentures can’t seem to stay stuck to the roof of my mouth—a career, husband and friends (all dead, dying or losing their minds) . . . just about everything.  By the way, tell your children to take care of their teeth.  No one tells you how much you’ll miss those suckers once they’re gone.

ME:  Any advice for me on this last leg of my journey?

FRIEND:  Take it one day at a time, Baby. Count your blessings (gratitude is a great equalizer).  Do what you can do, and what you can’t control (i.e., your leaky bladder, your teeth hanging lopsided in your mouth, and people sounding like guppies talking to you underwater)—don’t fret about it.  If you can afford it, buy yourself stock in Depends, denture adhesive, and hearing aids.  And always remember:  When you wake up in the morning, and you don’t find your name in the obituaries, it’s gonna be a good day!

Senior Moments Yaakov Kirschen Dry Bones

Used by Permission: Yaakov Kirschen, Dry Bones/Cagle Cartoons

A visit with my wise friend did not help me.  I was more agitated than ever.  As I tossed and turned that night in my sleep, I kept whimpering, “Dylan, you were right: I will not ‘go gentle into that good night … I will rage, rage against the dying of the light!’”*

As I thrashed about in my sleep, I dreamt that I ran into the specter “Old Age.”  The androgynous person was seated on a park bench staring at me with an amused expression as I approached.

OLD AGE:  Hey there, I hear you’ve been looking for me.  What’s happenin’?

ME:  What do you mean, what’s happenin’?  You know exactly what’s happening!  My body is falling apart.  75.4 million Baby Boomers and I have a bone to pick with you.  Our bodies are imploding and we’re dropping like flies.  I used to be able to run long distances (three miles every day and twelve on the weekends), teach all day standing in four-inch heels, leap tall buildings, and trip the light fantastic with my man.  The last wedding I went to recently, I danced for two hours in two inch heels, and the next day I had to have a rubdown in Mentholatum Ointment and soak in a hot bath for an hour just so I could walk without doing the zombie crawl.

OLD AGEWhine, whine, whine.  Here, have a little cheese with that whine.

ME:  Shut up, smart ass.  And don’t even get me started about cheese.  Did you know that somewhere during the last year I became highly allergic to cheese but didn’t know it?  You know how I found out?  At the same aforementioned wedding, while dancing to Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk You Up” I shit my pants.  Yessiree, crapped my drawers in my fancy-dance wedding outfit right on the ballroom floor! At first I thought my husband had farted, but he didn’t have his old man fart-face look.  (You know that look old men get:  “keep on dancing or walking, honey … nothing to smell here …”) It didn’t take me long to figure out that the cheese from the reception had done me in, and it was disgusting.  I wondered why people kept breaking off conversations in mid-stream with me and moving all the way over to the other side of the reception hall in search of “some more of that delicious Vermont cheese.”  (You couldn’t have let this happen to me in the privacy of my home?)   So I can no longer eat gluten because I have Celiac disease; I can no longer eat sweets and starches because I have diabetes, I should stay away from salt and alcohol because I have high-blood pressure, and now the one thing I depended on that was safe to eat when everything around me contained gluten and sugar, you stole from me.  I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, Old Age!  You threw lactose intolerance at me—in the middle of a wedding!  HAVE YOU NO SHAME, MISTER?

Every Baby Boomer I talk to hates you too, and they all have something that ails them.  By the time 75 million and counting of us are in our 80’s, there’s not going to be enough nursing homes, walkers, hearing aids, or Depends that Social Security dollars can buy to keep us up and running.   Let me shout it from the rooftop:  I HATE THIS STAGE OF LIFE!

Baby Boomers Getting Older Cardow, The Ottawa Citizen

Use by Permission: Cardow, The Ottawa Citizen/Cagle Cartoons

OLD AGE:   Hey now—look on the bright side.  I haven’t been cruel to all the Baby Boomers.  The Rolling Stones are still performing and they are older than you.  Mick Jagger is 72 years old, 140 pounds, and still has a 28-inch waist.  He can still jerk across the stage with one leg in the air while singing “I can’t get no satisfaction” and then segue into “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” like it was the 1970s.

ME:  Oh no, you can’t fool me.  That bag of rock-n-roll bones probably has to soak his entire body in Epsom salts for hours after he performs.  I bet you that Mick Jagger secretly wears a special designed Depends under those skin tight pants, too.  Either that or he did so many drugs in the 70s that his bowels are pickled and his bones are calcified to such an extent that he feels nothing and he never poops.  But I don’t believe he doesn’t suffer from you, Old Age.  You’ve cursed him like you’ve cursed us all.  Mick Jagger’s got the old age plague of a crumbling body—we just haven’t heard about the details yet.

OLD AGE:  Well, I can appreciate your point, and I do understand your anger with me.  You have every right.  However, I am nothing but accommodating.  Since you hate me so much, I can offer you an alternative.  He’s just around the corner.  Hey, Death—come on over and let me introduce you to a friend of mine.  She’s dying to meet you.

Rolling Stones Getting Old Cardow The Ottawa Citizen

Used by Permission: Cardow The Ottawa Citizen/Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA MOMENT”) ABOUT AGING

I am discovering that “life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.”  I saw this quote on an octogenarian’s suitcase at the Seattle airport recently.  It is so true.  Every age has something to hinder it—every age has something that blesses it.  When one is young, one usually has strength, beauty and power—but one generally lacks wisdom, grace, and the patience of a wizened old man or woman.  Fortunately, I am not as narcissistic as I’ve portrayed myself in my satirical and slightly exaggerated story.  I am falling apart at the seams, but I hope I’m doing it gracefully.  I do get the joke.  I know that gratitude is the key to growing old with perspective.  Living in the moment is the focus needed to keep one self-balanced, and the “serenity to accept the things I cannot change”** is true maturity.  Life is wonderful for me—not because it is perfect—but because I woke up this morning and my name wasn’t in the obituaries.  It is a great day, in fact!  I think I’ll go dancing tonight!

Old Dogs New Tricks

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“You have to age gracefully. And that’s what I love about Keith Richards. That’s what I love about the Rolling Stones. They are aging gracefully. They are falling apart at the seams right before our eyes, and they are doing it gracefully. And that’s the most beautiful thing that we can do.”—Nikki Sixx

“It’s good to be here. Frankly, it’s good to be anywhere.”—Keith Richards (what he says every time he performs)

“A lot of people are living in a dream world – they want to deny that aging occurs or believe it doesn’t have to occur. They’ll hold on to this belief until the moment they die. The reality will eventually hit them.”S. Jay Olshansky

“What helps with aging is serious cognition – thinking and understanding. You have to truly grasp that everybody ages. Everybody dies. There is no turning back the clock. So the question in life becomes: What are you going to do while you’re here?”Goldie Hawn

ALL QUOTES FROM www.brainyquotes.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)?  ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

REFERENCES

*Dylan Thomas, Do not go gentle into that good night.

** Reinhold Neibuhr, The Serenity Prayer

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/features/not-sucking-in-their-seventies-rock-lifers-go-the-distance-20151009

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/jobs/11221724/If-Rolling-stones-can-work-into-their-seventies-so-can-anyone-Esther-McVey-says.html

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
21 Comments

Posted by on October 18, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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21 responses to “ONE PRATFALL AWAY FROM DISASTER

  1. imagesbytdashfield

    October 18, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    Getting older beats the alternative but with age sometimes comes “issues and problems” as in what doesn’t work as well as it used to. My goal is to avoid becoming a stereotype of a mature woman. I’m trying my damnedest even though my treasonous body sometimes has other plans 😉

     
    • etomczyk

      October 19, 2015 at 10:41 am

      Teri, same here. I am raging against the “old lady” stereotype machine but it keeps creeping up on me. Auuugh!

       
      • imagesbytdashfield

        October 19, 2015 at 1:26 pm

        Tell me about it! In PT for my back again. I’m going to keep fighting the powers of aging as best I can.

         
  2. Klayne

    October 18, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    I loved this! Laughed out loud quite a few times!

     
  3. momshieb

    October 18, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    Oh, my dear, you had me laughing out loud….which naturally meant that I had to chance my pants….but it was worth it! Every morning when Paul and I get out of bed, we go through the “pop”, “creak” routine, but since we can’t hear worth crap any more, we keep asking, “Did you say something?” “Nope, just my knees…..”
    Sigh.
    On the other hand, at this point I keep thinking “I should just have the damn martini. I’m not going to suddenly get young and healthy even if I do skip it!”
    Wishing you many years of continued laughter, at yourself and at the rest of us!

     
    • etomczyk

      October 19, 2015 at 10:40 am

      Moms, I’m with you. If I live to be 87 like my mentor, I do plan to throw caution to the wind and do like the Queen of England and have a couple glasses of whiskey or gin and tonics a day, eat bacon to my heart’s content, and burn all my exercise equipment. I will take long walks, but that will be it! See you there.

       
  4. becomingcliche

    October 18, 2015 at 7:45 pm

    Aging is like flipping a switch. One day, I was a spry thing who could go on an 8 mile hike with no problem. A few weeks later, my knees hurt. Why so fast? Why?

     
  5. Dawn Quyle Landau

    October 19, 2015 at 12:26 am

    It’s a bitch, aging… a cold hard-hearted bitch. Lots of great humor hear, Eleanor, but don’t think I missed that you were at the Seattle airport, and didn’t let me know! You missed your chance darlin’, missed it! xox

     
    • etomczyk

      October 19, 2015 at 10:36 am

      Dawn: My baby just moved to Seattle, and like a good helicopter mom and dad, we went out to check on her. She loves, loves, loves Seattle and other than going back to Israel to check out where she was born, she says she never plans to leave Seattle. My husband and I also fell in love with your town. What a great place to live. It is breathtaking! It was a whirlwind trip, but in the future when I have more time, I will let you know when I’m coming so that we can meet and have some lovely conversation over a cup of Seattle’s great coffee. Cheers!

       
      • Dawn Quyle Landau

        October 19, 2015 at 10:48 am

        We live an hour north, in Bellingham… a town that has made the “top places to retire” lists for nearly 20 years! We love it, AND we get 34% less rain than Seattle. Tell your girl that she’s had some sublime weather (this has been a record year) but that the rain will come… Still, it stays green all year, it’s mild and the rain is rarely more than a mist. We love it too! I’m going to hold you to this promise, E. Bring your fabulous husband and we can make it a dinner! xo

         
      • etomczyk

        October 19, 2015 at 1:45 pm

        Dawn: Will do. She moved from Minneapolis where the weather was 40 degrees below zero last year. There is nothing Seattle can throw at her that would make her think it isn’t Heaven!! 🙂

         
      • Dawn Quyle Landau

        October 19, 2015 at 8:24 pm

        And it’s so beautiful… there’s always that! This isn’t the daughter with your grandson?

         
      • etomczyk

        October 19, 2015 at 9:30 pm

        Dawn, no. If it had been, we would have retired in Seattle. 🙂

         
  6. Daddy Bear

    October 19, 2015 at 2:04 am

    Thanks for the laughter. Hey, you know what people my age call baby boomers? Kids….
    Keep on hobbling towards the light…
    😀

     
    • etomczyk

      October 19, 2015 at 10:42 am

      Thanks Daddy Bear. I know I’ll have plenty of company: all 74.5 million of us! Ha!

       
  7. aFrankAngle

    October 20, 2015 at 9:57 am

    Gotta hate a charlie horse when sleeping … but in your gluteus maximus? Dang … that’s a new one! At least this is your PSA about warning us of the possibility. Starting to get back in the scene … wanted to say Hi Eleanor … and cheers to not going bonkers on the GOP in this post.

     
  8. valentinelogar

    October 20, 2015 at 10:09 am

    This entire aging thing, yeah it kind of sucks. Try doing it with multiple injuries, it is really fun. You made me laugh though.

     
  9. calvin

    October 30, 2015 at 11:52 pm

    All through life, in every aspect of it, we have or we invent mentors. People we look up to, with and without them knowing. People we seek advise from. People we watch and learn from. And when it comes to aging I have the luxury of my mother. An now after reading this post of yours, ‘E’ I will studiously watch and hopefully learn from her. And I will be, of course, paying close attention to you here. As you blaze the trail forward, mark the trees well my friend, as when I follow behind you am sure the eyes will have already blurred. But I can get stronger glasses and read all your books. And be astounded by the achievements and the grace you exhibit. In short you’re nothing less than remarkable. Your writing is ageless, leggy and full of vigour. Your thoughts thoroughly formulated , in need of no vitamins or supplements. Daddy Bear, mentioned ‘keep hobbling to the light’ but that mind of yours is sprinting like a 20 year old. Hubba hubba.

     
    • etomczyk

      November 2, 2015 at 10:05 am

      Calvin: You always give me such encouragement. Just when I think I should probably give it all up–throw in the towel–you say something to give me great encouragement. Thank yo so much, my friend. I will “keep hobbling to the light. All the best.

       
      • calvin

        November 2, 2015 at 8:07 pm

        Ditto Summa Cum Laude, ‘E’.

         
  10. composerinthegarden

    November 4, 2015 at 7:01 am

    As someone who got an agonizing Charlie horse in her thigh last week and creaks getting up after a long dinner, you had me howling in laughter from first word to last. I do yoga every morning and Pilates once a week just so that I can still work in the garden 🙂 I still can’t bring myself to remove my favorite fancy shoes from the closet even though I can’t walk in them anymore. Sigh. Eleanor, you hit all the sore spots in boomer aging with healing laughter, thanks!

     

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