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Thank You for Being So Stupid (Strictly Satire)

14 Sep

Do you know what I discovered this week?   I owe a few people in the news some personal thank you notes in response to some of the things they have said and done recently.  They claim to be Born-Again Christians, and as a Born-Again believer, I have been greatly offended and embarrassed by them (mortified would be a better word).  But this week I had an “Aha” moment after the debut of Kim Davis, the Kentucky County Clerk!  I realized that nobody could be that stupid—that her shtick must be a ruse.  And the people who championed her—Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz (and let us not forget dear, precious Donald Trump)—must be agents for the Democratic Party who have been planted to bring down the Republican Party as we know it, tie up the 2016 Presidential election in a bow and deliver it to the Democrats, and destroy the bigoted, narrow-minded arm of the Christian Church in such a way that people will stop going to those kinds of churches for a hundred years or more.  Oh my God, it is so obvious—why didn’t I see that before?  Carry on, “Christian Soldiers”—you’re doing a kick-ass job!

Cruz Davis Huckabee Hate John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune, Cagle Cartoons

***

KIM DAVIS (Kentucky County Clerk)

Kim Davis I John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

Dear Kim:

Thank you so much for the amazing way you’ve drawn attention to the great hypocrisy within certain sections of Christianity.  The hardcore fear and ignorance that you are standing your ground on, as you pretend to be obeying the “voice of God,” is a stroke of genius.  Sister-friend, you are my hero!  Most Americans have no idea that you are a plant to destroy the credibility of those ignorant, racist, homophobic, holier-than-thou citizens who claim to be “true Americans” as Sarah Palin calls them.  (Speaking of SP, I’ve often thought she was a double agent for the Democratic Party by the way she almost single-handedly ushered in the nomination for Barack Obama in 2008 with her birther nonsense, because nobody could actually be that stupid. But as a secret agent I’m sure you won’t be able to confirm or deny Palin’s espionage status.  That’s cool.) 

Anyway, my Christian Sister, you have got this holier-than-thou thing down pat.  The long dresses, the hair hanging down to your butt, the sanctimonious face, the dowdy look, the feigned ignorance, the vitriolic speech, and not to mention the church attendance three times a week.  Wow, impressive!  You go, girl!  But I do have to ask how you justify the three divorces and four marriages in your life? (You can tell me; I won’t reveal your secret.) Were you already divorced three times before you became an agent?  ‘Cause that does cause a problem as far as your brand of Biblical credibility is concerned, and it definitely causes people to throw up in their mouths over the hypocrisy of it all.  I mean, don’t get me wrong—I’m not judging you at all.  All of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, so the Bible says.  But it kind of skewers your credibility as a guardian of traditional Christian marriage against the sin of homosexuals getting married, doesn’t it?  But maybe that is the point.  People will see through your hypocrisy and flee the Christian Church.   We’re hanging by a thread as it is.  Hopefully, they will stay away until all the haters and hypocrites are swept out of the Church like Jesus did the money changers in the temple in Jerusalem.  Boy, you’re good, Kim!

Kim Davis FB II

And between you and me, how did you deal with the disparity of not obeying the other Biblical laws that are found in and around the same Old Testament passages about God “hating homosexuals.”  For instance, I read that you’ve had four kids which are all in their twenties now—including a set of twins born out of wedlock.  (Once again, I don’t judge you, girlfriend—shit happens.  I get it.)  Surely, at least one of those kids must have rebelled against you as a parent.  (I raised teenagers, and girl—they are a trip!  If I had known you could stone them for being mouthy and rebellious, I might be in jail today.)  Are all of yours still alive or did you kill some of them as the Old Testament demands?  You know that scripture in Deuteronomy that says: “If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you.”  Oh, my God!  And, Honey, why are you still alive given the scripture in Leviticus 20 that is just three verses above the one about gays that you’re quoting as your right not to do your job, which says:  “And the man that commits adultery with another man’s wife, even he that commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.”  Holy Moly, how did you and at least one of your husbands not get stoned for the sin of adultery as staunch Bible literalists?  You are so courageous, sister-friend.

We the People Kim D Taylor Jones Politicalcartoons

Cartoon Used by Permission: Taylor Jones Political cartoons, Cagle Cartoons

I can see why Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz likened you to Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks.  The dichotomy is so obvious—enough to make people flee in disgust, actually.  Those two have got to be double agents, as well, to suggest something so stupid.  Mike and Ted can’t possibly think that the majority of Americans are that clueless to equate your refusal as a government employee to facilitate the constitutional rights of some are the same as two of our greatest heroes’ actions that fought to promote and establish constitutional rights for all American citizens.  I’ve got to send Mike and Ted thank you notes.  Well played, Kim—making us think that you’re suffering for Christ.  The more you press home that erroneous lie, the more people will see through the smoke screen.  (I loved the way you came out of the jail the other day—arms raised to the heavens while the Rocky theme song blared in the background.  Nice touch—appearing to play the martyr—by simply refusing to do your $80,000/year government job passed down to you by your mother.  It made my stomach turn, and as a Christian, I was mortified because there are Christians actually suffering imprisonment, torture, and death in North Korea, Somalia, Iraq, and Pakistan, just to name a few of the twenty or more countries. But I’m sure that is what you wanted Americans to feel so that we would get as far away from these shenanigans cooked up by the religious right as soon as possible.  Well played, my friend—well played!

Martin vs Kim Davis

Meme created by bettybowers.com

Kim Davis and Parks Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune/Cagle Cartoon

So keep on keepin’ on Saint Kim.  (I hear that you’ve returned to work—refusing to do your job but refusing to step aside as well.  That a girl!)  Maybe our eyes will be opened to the lies that your espionage is trying to expose.  Tell Huckabee and Cruz that their strategy is working to give the 2016 Presidential election to the Democrats.  No one in their right mind will show up in the voting booth for any Republican candidates in 2016 if they keep on acting like the majority of us are stupid, which is really a shame, because not all Christians are hypocrites and not all Republicans are idiots.

P.S. Is The Donald the “head double agent” for single-handedly destroying the Republican Party and all of its candidates?  Next time you see him, tell him he is doing a great job and is probably the sole reason Hillary will be sitting pretty in the White House next year.  He is a true American hero—the White Supremacists, the Neo-Nazis, and the Conservative Evangelicals love him to death.

Trump Crazy John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Cartoon Used by Permission:  John Cole, The Scranton-Times Tribune/Cagle Cartoons

***

ELEANOR’S “SELAH” (“AHA” OPRAH MOMENT) ABOUT KIM DAVIS, MIKE HUCKABEE, AND TED CRUZ

I am discovering that the three Musketeers of Christian bigotry and hatred (Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, and Ted Cruz) must think most of us have stupid written on our foreheads—especially if we are Born-Again Christians.  (Well, Baby, my Mama didn’t raise no fool!)  I’m here to declare that I am a proud Born-Again believer who loves Jesus to pieces and tries her best to do right by her God, and I abhor what Kim Davis has done and is doing.  I think Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are using that poor schmuck of a woman to instill fear and get money from the unthinking masses.   IMHO, they will toss Kim Davis out of their orbit like yesterday’s garbage when she no longer suits their fear-mongering purposes.  I sure hope she socked away a lot of savings from her overpaid government job in Kentucky that is denying the rights of people who pay her salary because she is going to need it when she loses her job—as she should.  Oy!

Stupid People Meme

(This is how I feel—as a Christian—about Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, and Ted Cruz)

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

“Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”—P. J. O’Rourke

“Along with racial equality and the late bloom of women’s rights, future generations will have to explain how, in the past, gays were misunderstood and publicly humiliated for loving each other, and, eventually, how they stood together and conquered stupidity and hypocritical hatred, and fought their way out of marginalization.”—iO Tillett Wright

ALL INSPRATIONAL QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquotes.com

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR?  Check out www.eleanortomczyk.com

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOKS (Monsters’ Throwdown and Fleeing Oz)*?  ON SALE NOW AT AMAZON!

Do you wonder why the author knows so much about what is happening behind the scenes in the Religious Right Movement and the political realm?  That’s because she used to be one of them.  She has lived it, survived it, and recorded it all in her latest book:  Fleeing Ozon sale now at Amazon.  It’s a funny, yet harrowing, testimony of escaping “The Church” with her faith intact.  Check it out!

REFERENCES

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/11/kim_davis_is_the_new_face_of_the_religious_right_angry_marginalized_and_increasingly_desperate_partner/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/11/kim_davis_is_the_new_face_of_the_religious_right_angry_marginalized_and_increasingly_desperate_partner/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2015/09/the-case-against-kim-davis-is-not-predicated-on-her-hypocrisy/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/14/back_at_square_one_defiant_kim_davis_returned_to_work_monday_and_declared_that_she_will_continue_not_to_do_her_job/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2015/09/pat-robertson-kim-davis-in-the-right-gays-wont-rest-until-christians-are-in-jail/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/09/the_vengeful_god_of_kim_davis_the_powerful_forces_we_ignore_when_we_fixate_on_one_kentucky_clerk/

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/09/mika_brzezinski_tears_into_hypocritical_mike_huckabee_for_refusing_to_answer_a_simple_question_about_marriage_in_the_bible/

 
10 Comments

Posted by on September 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

10 responses to “Thank You for Being So Stupid (Strictly Satire)

  1. 1jaded1

    September 14, 2015 at 11:33 pm

    I am laughing so hard as I agree with every word…only one sticks out about KD. Hypocrite. This cured my pain better than any painkiller. Awesome…thank you.

     
  2. imagesbytdashfield

    September 15, 2015 at 9:01 am

    The amount of stupidity going around now sets my teeth on edge! Not to mention it’s scary as hell.

     
  3. valentinelogar

    September 15, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    There is nothing better than you to cure what ails me.

     
  4. aFrankAngle

    September 22, 2015 at 2:22 pm

    All Kim Davis has to do is play the “I’m clueless” card … oh no, but she and her legal team don’t see that card that is in the hand. Meanwhile, I can see that your use of Palin is out of bounds, thus I hereby declare you need to re-enter my clinic for political rehabilitation … then toss in references to Cruz & Trump as additional evidence that supports my claim.

     
    • etomczyk

      September 23, 2015 at 8:39 pm

      Frank, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice . . . 🙂 As to Kim Davis, she’s being used and she is truly clueless about it. So sad.

       
      • aFrankAngle

        September 23, 2015 at 9:04 pm

        I see your point about being used … but I also think she has a big role in it … so I can’t give her a pass. Meanwhile, here’s part of your rehab. The next GOP debate is in late October … you cannot watch … tell WW so he can help you.

         
      • etomczyk

        September 23, 2015 at 10:35 pm

        Nooooooooooo!!!

         
      • aFrankAngle

        September 24, 2015 at 6:04 am

        Oh my …. you are worse off than I thought … Not only have fallen off the wagon, but worse than when I first treated the problem.

         
  5. calvin

    September 28, 2015 at 12:05 am

    Sometimes you cannot help but go all squint-eyed when lost in the wilderness. But you know your really into it deep, when have to hold your nose and squint at the same time.

    P.S……….I wonder if anyone has informed Kim Davis that Jerry Springer is off the air. He’s off air right?

     
    • etomczyk

      October 5, 2015 at 8:18 am

      Calvin, you are so right. Kim Davis does look like a Jerry Springer refugee. I wish I had thought of it; I would have used that line. All the best.

       

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