Do you know what I discovered about God and Donald Trump this week? They are supposedly like this (imagine image of two fingers intertwined). And apparently, God has signed onto The Donald’s campaign and has personally endorsed him as the 2016 primo GOP presidential nominee. According to Charisma Magazine (the Christian gossip People Magazine) God has been talking directly to one of his very closest peeps who hails from Lakeland, Florida (one Prophet Jeremiah Johnson—the 27-year-old White one from Lakeland, Florida, not the forty-something Black one from Dallas, Texas) about Donald, the blowhard. God told Prophet Jeremiah that Donald Trump was sent to be his “trumpet to the American people for he [The Donald] possesses qualities that are even hard to find in my people these days [Born-Again Christians, he’s talking about us—oh, snap!].” My loyal readers—this prophet story is true, all true—you can’t make this shit up!
Cartoon used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune
At first I thought it was a spoof—a page right out of the Onion, but the link to the prophecy in Charisma was posted on the dude’s website. Here’s Prophet Jeremiah’s word “direct from God” in its entirety:
“I was in a time of prayer several weeks ago when God began to speak to me concerning the destiny of Donald Trump in America. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, ‘Trump shall become My trumpet to the American people, for he possesses qualities that are even hard to find in My people these days. Trump does not fear man nor will he allow deception and lies to go unnoticed. I am going to use him to expose darkness and perversion in America like never before, but you must understand that he is like a bull in a china closet. Many will want to throw him away because he will disturb their sense of peace and tranquility, but you must listen through the bantering to discover the truth that I will speak through him. I will use the wealth that I have given him to expose and launch investigations searching for the truth. Just as I raised up Cyrus to fulfill My purposes and plans, so have I raised up Trump to fulfill my purposes and plans prior to the 2016 election. You must listen to the trumpet very closely for he will sound the alarm and many will be blessed because of his compassion and mercy. Though many see the outward pride and arrogance, I have given him the tender heart of a father that wants to lend a helping hand to the poor and the needy, to the foreigner and the stranger.’“
HELLO! Either God’s done lost his ever lovin’ mind, or the right-wing Christian movement has set out to humiliate itself—yet again. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am a recovering right-wing Christian, once read Charisma Magazine like it was my life’s blood, and after too much communion wine even “prophesied” that Justice Clarence Thomas was a righteous, caring, teddy-bear, sweetheart of a man sent to the Supreme Court by God “for such a troubled time as this,” who was being “tormented and lied about by that hussy Anita Hill.” Oy vez mir! (I plan to be in therapy till Jesus comes back over my stint as “that kind of Christian,” and I wrote my latest book, Fleeing Oz, to document my humorous escape from such babbling insanity.)
I was so agitated and embarrassed after reading that prophecy that when I went to sleep that night I had fitful, vivid dreams of trying to get in touch with God—demanding that He show himself and put a stop to people using His name in vain to promote their crazy-ass political agendas. I mean, after all, the Dude has got a major rep to maintain, and we—His peeps—are not protecting His brand very well.
Cartoon used by permission: Pat Bagley Salt Lake Tribune/Cagle Cartoons
In my dream, I entered (more or less floated into) a waiting room with no walls, no ceiling, and no floors. The only way I could tell it was a waiting room was that the space contained an ample-bosomed, slightly chunky, black-bottomed secretary seated behind a suspended desk that featured a plaque that read: Dalai Mama, Sr. EA. to God Almighty. I couldn’t shake the sense that I knew her. In fact, she looked like my twin—just a bit more bedazzled with a lot more attitude and sporting a flowing multi-colored kaftan. The bespectacled secretary never acknowledged my presence but kept right on reading some type of report that said “Earthly News.” I stood in front of her desk for what seemed like eons, but she never looked up from her reading—even though I knew she knew I was there. Finally she spoke without moving her eyes from the report.
DM: Lawd have mercy, humans are a mess. Y’all never cease to amaze me. You better be glad I’m not the Almighty, or I’d wipe you all out and start all over again.
MOI: Well, it is a pleasure to meet you to. Sheesh! I don’t mean to interrupt you, but I need to speak with God. I’ve traveled a long way at quite some risk to my well-being to get an audience with His Majesty.
DM: You don’t say. You got an appointment? Cause y’all ain’t gettin’ in here to see the Lawd without makin’ an appointment. He brought me on to be the gatekeeper to protect him from folks like you who feel you can just barge in any-ol-time you feel like it. What’s yo’ problem, anyhow? You look kinda bougie to me. Yo’ spa appointment got canceled? Yo’ books ain’t hit the New York Times bestseller list yet?
MOI: Oh good grief! When did snark become a part of Heaven? I’m here on behalf of God’s reputation. He doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to it, so somebody has to. One of his peeps has hijacked it again, and given the times that we live in, God needs to do something about it. Has He read this so-called prophecy by Jeremiah Johnson that His Majesty is backing Donald Trump for the 2016 presidential race? Not only is this ersatz prophet putting words in God’s mouth, but he’s making Christians out to be laughing stocks—yet again—because they are believing him!
DM: Read it? What you talkin’ ‘bout, Girl? God knew ‘bout it before the words ever popped out of that poser’s mouth. You actin’ like this the first time God had to deal with American politicians who think they sit at His right hand. Remember Palin, Bachmann, Cain, Jindal, Perry, and Santorum all said God told them to run. Even the governor from Ohio didn’t throw his hat in the ring until he said God had told him to do so, just recently. And what happened to them? Is anyone of them yo’ President or even yo’ Vice-president? So chill out, Baby-girl. I been watchin’ you, and you too old to get so messed up over these crazies. God’s got this.
Cartoon used by permission: Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch/Cagle Cartoons
MOI: What do you mean, God’s got this? The Donald’s leading in the polls, he’s taking center position on the debate stage Thursday night, and according to the latest poll, Evangelical Christians are some of his strongest supporters. What the fuck?
DM: Watch yo’ mouth, Baby-girl. You not too old for me to smack you upside yo’ head. This is a holy place, and you best respect it.
MOI: All I’m saying is that if Evangelical Christians are supporting The Donald because he’s “most like them” (that’s what the polls are saying—ain’t that a hoot?), and they throw their vote behind him, they will decimate the Republican Party. Plus some “holy man” comes along and says that you have “raised up Trump to fulfill my purposes and plans prior to the 2016 election,” then, poof! that’s all the Conservative Evangelicals will need for rationale—and here comes Frankenstein to the Oval Office in 2016. “The prophet” goes on to say that we (Christians) “must listen to the trumpet [I wonder if God meant that pun?] very closely for he will sound the alarm and many will be blessed because of his compassion and mercy.” Compassion and mercy? What a joke! A blind man can see that Trump is many things—but compassionate and merciful are not the two words that come to mind. Try blowhard, arrogant, and a bully. You know what this is about don’t you? Conservatives are so freakin’ afraid of the culture changes that have happened and the occupancy of the Black man for eight years in the White House that they are grasping at any monster that attacks those things they fear. In my heart of hearts, I don’t think The Donald will make it into the White House, but I do think “his spirit” will—that racist, anti-immigrant, xenophobic, homophobic, and greed-inspired monster will. What’s God going to do about this?
DM: Probably nothing. God gave y’all brains and hearts for a reason. Use ‘em. He ain’t gonna stomp all over your freewill. Anyhoo, I have my own theory. Did you ever think that maybe—just maybe—He did tell those people to run (and spoke to the “prophets”), but it was His way of winnowing out the craziness that you nasty-ass humans created in your lust for power and control? The candidates said God said that they were supposed to “run” for president; they didn’t say God said they were supposed to win. Maybe yo’ God has a fabulous sense of humor. And maybe that humor is the best ass-whoppin’ and pride-buster in this realm and the next. (Remember that preacher-man who prophesied the end of the world three or four times not to long ago—flingin’ hell, fire, and damnation like monkey poo? Well, y’all still here causin’ all kinds of chaos, and little preacher man had a stroke and died! It was the end of the world all right—his world!) Now go on home, Chil’—God can take care of himself, and I’ve got work to do.
Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Columbia Daily, Tribune Missouri/Cagle Cartoon
MY “SELAH” (AS IN “AHA”) MOMENT REGARDING “HAS GOD SAID” AND POLITICIANS
I am discovering that all sorts of people from every kind of religion say they hear God tell them all sorts of things. Ask any member of ISIS why they are trying to kill you, and they will probably say: “Because God told me to.” (Somehow the fact that “God told him” doesn’t make me feel any better about the fact that I am going to lose my head at that moment.) The problem with people saying “God told me” is that there is no rebuttal one can give to that. What are we going to say: “Oh, no He deeen’t!” Can I tell you a secret? I have discovered from living in this part of Christianity for forty years—where people say “Thus Saith the Lord” as matter-of-factly as brushing their teeth—that saying God told me to say “this or that” is usually meant to dominate others. It is meant to control the situation, elevate the speaker, and shut down any discussion that points to the fact that the speaker is probably wrong as Hell. Perry, Santorum, Bachmann, Herman Cain, Huckabee, et al said that God told them to run for the presidency at one time, but they all went down in a blaze of ignominy. Well, guess what, some silly-ass “prophet” may be announcing that God told him Donald Trump walks on water, but God speaks to me too, and He’s saying: “If you believe this dude or The Donald, your sorry-ass is crazier than the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland!”
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”—Jane Wagner
“When all else fails there’s always delusion.”—Conan O’Brien
“There’s always an element of self-delusion among people who believe they ought to be President. There’s an underestimation of your opponent and an overestimation of your own abilities. This is compatible with being rich and powerful, the idea that we were blessed by God because we deserve to be blessed.”—Jimmy Carter
ALL INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquotes.com
“HAS GOD SAID?” MY FAVORITE CARTOON FROM 2011
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