Do you know what I discovered today? I’ve been gone for a month—selling our old home of 18 years near DC and moving to our new home in a different town further south. We almost didn’t survive the “selling” part because the “Mr.” of our buyers was a real dumbass and tried to screw us every which way but Sunday. We summarily won the day, but not without a great deal of desk pounding, lawsuit threatening, panic eating, intercessory praying, and sleepless nights. The Mr. Buyer was such a horrible person that I suspended being a Christian momentarily, and I prayed for a pox on his house (my old home) and on his children’s houses. I also prayed that Mr. Buyer’s balls would shrivel to the size of raisins and would pop off into the toilet the next time he took an agonized enlarged prostate piss, which if he didn’t already have prostate problems, I prayed God would zap him with them. (All right, all right . . . I have repented because most of us know “God don’t like ugly,” and becoming a dumbass in reaction to a dumbass does not make up a world that any of us want to live in . . . but it sure felt good . . . momentarily.)
[Case in point of one of “Mr. Buyer’s” egregious dumbass extortion attempts as told to us one minute before we were to sign the papers for closing: “When we did the walk through of your house Mr. and Mrs. Tomczyk, a couple of the kitchen cabinet doors squeaked. We want you to put $5,000 in escrow in case we find anything else we don’t like or we will hold up the closing so that you miss the deadline for buying your dream house.” The closing took nine hours, but we were victorious. We gave them “bupkis” (Yiddish for “shivering shit balls”) and a can of WD40.] AARRGH!!
For a month I had little to no access to TV or the Internet. I felt as if I had dropped off the planet and my entire world consisted of selling and buying homes. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. (I was momentarily jerked out of my real estate torment by the cacophonous shots heard round the world from South Carolina, and I stopped trying to cast curses on the balls of my dumbass buyer, and I prayed for Charleston—I prayed for us all.) So last night I finally got caught up on the news I had missed while I was gone. And guess what? I discovered that I hadn’t missed much—dumbasses were still trying to take over the world.
There were the dumbasses who set up robo-calls to keep the Confederate Flag in place in Charleston because, as CNN put it, the authors of the call urged people to “not stand with leftist fanatics who want to destroy the South we love.” Or here’s my favorite from the robo-call cited by CNN: “What’s next? This attack on our values is sick and un-American, and it has to stop right here and right now in South Carolina.”*
Dear Robo-call Dumbasses: The Confederate flag was resurrected in South Carolina in the 60s as a direct “fuck you” to the desegregation laws and to the Federal Government that was trying to enforce those laws. Let us not pretend otherwise. Even in its original form it stood for secession, rebellion, and slavery of my ancestors ad infinitum. I am grateful that your governor led the charge to have the flag removed from government grounds to a museum. It is a relic of a hateful past that was used to divide a nation, enslave a people, and crush the hearts and souls of Charleston’s citizens. It is time . . . let it go!
Used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News
Dumbass Wayne LaPierre has yet to comment on the shootings in Charleston, SC other than to say it is too soon to comment. But the EVP of the National Rifle Association never meet a gun massacre that he couldn’t excuse away with the call for guns, guns, and more guns. I wonder how many more death-by-guns it is going to take before we dumbass Americans stuff a sock in LaPierre’s mouth and pass strong gun control laws with or without his comments.
Used by permission: Pat Bagley, Salt Lake Tribune
Of course, no one defines “dumbass” like Donald Trump who was all over the news while I was gone. (And I thought Sarah Palin rocked the dumbass crown, but Trump makes Palin look like a Rhodes Scholar.) His dumbness speaks for itself. If he becomes president, I will do what I swore I’d never do again, and that is sell my house and become an ex-pat—somewhere—anywhere but here in the country I love so much, despite all of her dumbasses.
Used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times Tribune
Then there is Bill Cosby. Bill, Bill, Bill—dumbass Bill. You’ve got some chutzpah still declaring your innocence against the rape allegations of twenty-five plus women after the release last week of the 2005 deposition where you confess to purchasing and using Quaaludes to have sex with young women. Dumbass Bill Cosby, Dr. Huxtable—with his sweater-wearing innocuous self—that fantasy-world “America’s Favorite Dad” is dead and you killed him. Please go away and take your sweaters with you. P.S. Camille, I get the “stand by your man for better or for worse” thing but blaming the victims for your man’s lack of character puts you in the dumbass category, and you seem smarter than that, my sister. What if the victims were your daughters? Just sayin! ***
Used by permission: Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com
But my favorite—absolute, jaw-dropping favorite—dumbasses of the week are 19 year-old Nick Silvestri of Seaford, Long Island and Arianna Grande of teen pop fame. First, clueless Nick went to see the Broadway play “Hand to God.” According to an article on Salon.com, before the play started, he jumped up on stage and plugged his cell phone into an outlet that was part of the set (it was fake outlet, by the way!). The play had to stop during the preshow music and the crew had to unplug the stupid thing and chastise the audience for inappropriate behavior with a cell phone. When interviewed by Playbill as to his dumb-as-rocks move, Nicholas replied:
“Girls were calling all day. What would you do? . . . I saw the outlet and ran for it. That was the only outlet I saw, so I thought, ‘Why not?’ I was thinking that they were probably going to plug something in there on the set, and I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal if my phone was up there too.”
OOOOOKAY! What to do, what to do? Should I give Nick the dumbass crown or should it go to . . .
Arianna Grande (age 22) of “Bang Bang” fame who was caught on video licking all the donuts on a tray that were for sale to the public in a bakery, and then is overheard saying how much she hates America (apparently apropos to nothing): “I hate Americans. I hate America! That’s disgusting.” (In Ariana’s defense, maybe it was a sugar-high reaction.) And the pièce de résistance? It was on July 4th! IMP. NOTE: Arianna did apologize recently, but it seemed pretty lame to me: “. . . The fact that the United States has one of the highest child obesity rates in the world frustrates me . . . We need to demand more from our food industry.” Huh???
FROM THE DISCOVERY BIN: MY LIGHTBULB MOMENT
I am discovering that the world is predominantly made up of dumbasses (sad but true, or else why would there be so many atrocities the world over?). But every once in a while, I encounter people who stand against the dumbass syndrome—they make my day and give me hope to carry on. (The response of forgiveness to the murderer from the families of the massacred nine in South Carolina is a case in point.) Also, we have moved to a lovely community to retire in the state of Virginia. Our new home is our dream house (everything I’ve ever wanted in a home and then some), and within 24 hours, our immediate neighbors made it a point to drop by with warm smiles and open arms with “welcome to the neighborhood” gifts and offers of “if you need anything—anything at all—please don’t hesitate to ask us.” The previous owners of our new home greeted us with huge hugs and all sorts of great information along with their contact info in case we needed help in our transition. Our closing took thirty minutes and ten minutes of that was where to find the best restaurants.
For my first time readers, my husband and I are an interracial couple (married 36 years) moving to the South in a gated community. Compare our lovely reception into our new community this week to Mildred and Richard Loving’s reception when they got married in DC and moved just north of us in Virginia in 1958. On their first night together as husband and wife, “dumbasses” broke into their home in the middle of the night, pulled them out of bed, and took them to jail. The Lovings were convicted of breaking the anti-miscegenation laws of Virginia and were sentenced to one year in prison—later suspended for twenty-five years “on the condition that they leave the State of Virginia,” according to Wikipedia. Theirs would be the case that caused the Supreme Court to overthrow the anti-miscegenation laws in Virginia in 1967.
What a difference forty-eight years make, and what a difference it makes when people choose to be human beings rather than resident dumbasses. Where do I sign up?!
“I have been primarily interested in how and why ordinary people do unusual things, things that seem alien to their natures. Why do good people sometimes act evil? Why do smart people sometimes do dumb or irrational things?”—Philip Zimbardo
“Moral evil is the immorality and pain and suffering and tragedy that come because we choose to be selfish, arrogant, uncaring, hateful and abusive.”—Lee Strobel
“The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.”—Tim Allen
ALL QUOTES COURTESY OF: www.brainyquotes.com
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