Do you know what I discovered about the world’s intelligence? I’m sorry, but we are a stupid people—covering all races, both genders, and all ages. Stupidity is a global phenomenon, and it is running rampant.
www.quickmeme.com (Actor Jim Parsons as Sheldon on “The Big Bang Theory”)
As I read my normal ten news sources this week, I couldn’t help but shake my head and wonder what God was thinking when he created us. It all started with the story about the Black televangelist who (according to Wikipedia) owns “two Rolls-Royces, a private jet, and real estate such as a million-dollar home in Atlanta, a $2.5 million home in Demarest, New Jersey, and a $2.5 million home in Manhattan, which he sold for $3.75 million in 2012.” Rev. Dollar is reported to have obtained his divinity degree online and has “refused to disclose his salary.”
Creflo Dollar (a.k.a. “Michael Smith”) was in the news this week for asking his supporters (many of them Black folks with limited incomes, without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, and definitely with no private planes) for $65M to purchase a Gulfstream G650 luxury plane—top of the line. So I’ve heard. He did the math, and according to Brother Dollar, if all his “partners” (i.e. suckers) gave $300 each from all around the world, he and his family and a few lucky church leaders would be able to travel in the “biggest, fastest, most luxurious, longest range and most technologically advanced jet — by far. . .” because “we need . . . to continue reaching a lost and dying world for the Lord Jesus Christ.” To which I responded: “Negro, please!”
Creflo Dollar (Michael Smith—although Creflo says the Michael Smith name is an urban legend—whatever!)
Then I started to think as I ruminated on this sorry-ass excuse for a holy man: what if the everyday person could call “bullshit” on stupid stuff like this by using the magic words: “Negro, please,” and then freeze the offensive person in place like God did to Lot’s wife? (The Biblical woman turned into a pillar of salt by God after she looked back [longingly] at a town God was getting ready to nuke for being inhospitable to strangers and horrid to the poor. I actually touched her pillared self when I lived in Israel, and I can attest to the fact that being able to salt-pillar someone is awesome!)
Anyway, “Negro please!” would be the magic words. The Urban Dictionary describes “Negro Please!” as:
“A phrase commonly used to show disapproval or disdain towards another individual or comment.”
WARNING: But my dear White sisters and brothers, you cannot use this catch-phrase. Never-ever. This can only be said from one chastising African-American to another ne’er-do-well Black person. Don’t try it—don’t ever try it—no matter how many Black friends you think you have because it does not translate, and you will go from 2 ½ Black friends to zero. Life will not bode well for you if you ignore my warning. But have no fear—I will not leave you hanging. I have come up with a substitute for you. It’s called “fill-in-the-blank” “whatever, please!”
Let’s test my idea. Take the Starbuck’s story this week about the CEO charging his baristas to serve up a cup of coffee with a leading statement about “race” to start a discussion that he thinks will break down racial barriers (poor, naïve little White man). So, instead of asking “how about those Cowboys” when they hand you a “tall skim double-shot vanilla latte with whip” (your name on the cup misspelled every which way but Sunday), the over-eager barista says, “how about the Black boy who got the shit kicked out of him on UVA’s campus by the po-po? Ain’t that a bitch? Do you think it was racism?”
Cartoon Used by Permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle
Not a conversation one has over ordering your morning cup of Joe, hung over from the night before, on your way to a job you absolutely despise, after you’ve just found out your husband is cheating on you, your identity’s been stolen, and your bitch of a mother-in-law has gotten on your every last nerve. You’re in Starbucks to shoot caffeine directly into your veins. You do not want to talk to anybody, let alone engage in a social conversation that is probably going to get your ass kicked. So when some chirpy barista says, “Let’s talk about race, Baa-by,” instead of wiping the floor with your no makeup, no deodorant, and still-wet-behind-the-ears barista, you can save yourself from a jail term and/or a lawsuit by saying:
“BEAN PUSHER, PLEASE!”
Next thing you know—the barista is a pillar of salt. The barista will be silenced and so will Starbuck’s CEO. Maybe he’ll rethink this cynical business venture of his—especially because he could do a lot more to influence the conversation about race by simply hiring some darker faces in his upper management (that team is so devoid of color, it looks like Starbuck’s “flat white” coffee offering with extra-extra cream).
Lest you think that I’m picking on only us poor Americans, how about those fathers in eastern India who scaled the outside of a multi-floored school building where their kids were sitting for the 10th grade promotional exam. It’s high stakes because it determines whether the children can get a higher education and ultimately go to universtiy. Hundreds of students were caught with various cheating mechanisms to “get over on these exams.” But it was the parents who took the cake. Talk about your helicopter parents! The fathers, uncles, male cousins and friends climbed the outer wall of a school building to pass along cheat sheets in the form of paper airplanes, wadded paper balls, and folded notes. They were willing to risk a 20-foot fall to sneak in the answers to their children knowing full well that news cameras were rolling.
Courtesy of http://www.hindustantimes.com
Cheating on exams (on every level) is so pervasive in India that the government has given up on trying to curtail it. (Although this cheating scandal in Bihar, India was so egregious that the authorities are thinking of arresting some of the parents and cancelling the ability of the cheating students to take the exam for the next three years.) These are the world’s future doctors, technicians, and nuclear scientists. Be afraid—be very afraid. Can you imagine going into a hospital for surgery, and as your young Indian doctor approaches you to introduce himself as your surgeon, you look back at your Indian anesthesiologist posed behind you with mask in hand, and you are overwhelmed with the thought that they both might have cheated on their (10th, 12th, undergrad, and graduate medical exams) somewhere along the line. As you high-tail it out of the hospital room with your buns flapping in the breeze between the two sides of your hospital gown, you yell a salt-pillar response:
“DR. POSERS, PLEASE!”
I am discovering that there is just no accounting for stupidity. Didn’t anyone with half a brain stop Pastor Creflo Dollar before he posted his plea for money for a $65M plane and say, “Negro please—you better check yo’self! People that tithe to you in your area of Georgia barely make $30,000 a year. Get your ass on Sprint Airlines.” And speaking of stupid, what do you want to bet that there are enough idiots who will delay paying their bills, not save any money for themselves, forego healthcare, and work three jobs just so “Pastor” gets his $65M luxury plane. Why? Because Mr. Prosperity Doctrine told them if they “sow” at least 10% of their income to him, God will bring them the desires of their heart . . . “your bounty is coming—it will be here any day.” I don’t know about you, but I am praying for God to give me magical powers to become a “salt-pillarer” because the world could really use some sanity. Who would you like to “salt-pillar,” and what phrase would you use to put them in their place?
P.S. Creflo Dollar must have heard my “Negro, please!” because he has taken down his request for donations for the luxury G650 from his World Changers Church International website. He has been so outlandishly entertaining with his money grab scheme that I am ending my second book (Fleeing Oz—due out in May) with this airplane story about him as one of the many reasons I can no longer stomach going to church. Thanks Creflo!
Starbuck’s Customer Protest Song: Used by permission John Darkow, Columbia Daily-Tribune, Missouri
“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”—P. J. O’Rourke
“I never had that feeling that I had to carry the weight of somebody’s ignorance around with me. And that was true for racists who wanted to use the ‘N’ word when talking about me or about my people, or the stupidity of people who really wanted to belittle other folks because they weren’t pretty or they weren’t rich or they weren’t clever.”—Maya Angelou
“In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity.”—Konrad Adenauer
Quotes courtesy of www.brainyquote.com
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