Do you know what I discovered after meditating on the downfall of Brian Williams last week? Everybody lies! There is not a single human being who has ever lived, is living, or will live that won’t lie at some point in their lives—probably multiple times—maybe even daily, if the truth be known. We all live in glass houses when it comes to lying and, although I will admit some of us are worse than others, let he who has no sin cast the first stone.
Used by permission: David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star
One of the problems is that lying is in our DNA. We lie to exaggerate our importance in a situation so that we come off better or more heroic than we are (James “A Million Little Pieces” Fey); we lie to win (Lance “sorry I got caught” Armstrong); we lie to not get punished (any child on the planet); we lie to cover up our sins (the Catholic “we don’t have a sexual abuse problem here” Church); we lie to become famous (Milli “we lip-synced” Vanilli); we lie to cover up infidelity (Bill “I never had sex with that woman” Clinton); we lie to embellish our resumes (Paul “caught lying about his college record” Rand); we lie just because we can (Tiger “I can do no wrong” Woods), and we lie to get our own way (every human on the planet). Lying is as human as eating, sleeping, and having sex. I know because I was there when it all started.
Used by permission Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch
Once upon a time at the dawn of man, I was strolling through a gorgeous garden waiting to have a chat with the owner in the cool of the day when I heard Him call out a couple of names: “Adam . . . Eve, where are you, chickadees? I thought we’d hang out tonight, grab some supper with a friend of mine, and chat about which animals you named what today. I’m still cracking up over the name ‘Axolotl’ and ‘Aye-aye.’ What a hoot!”
There was a significant pause and then an almost imperceptible sound as two trembling voices were heard coming from behind the rhododendrons, “WE’RE HIDING FROM YOU, LORD.”
“Why are you hiding?” asked God. “The only other person here is Eleanor, the Blogger, and whatever you say in front of me you can say in front of her. She’s one of my favorite peeps.”
“We’re hiding because we are ashamed,” said Adam.
“Ashamed?” replied God. “What do you have to be ashamed about? You are living in perfection, and you are totally innocent.”
“We’re ashamed because we are naked,” shrieked Eve. “And Adam keeps staring at my ta-tas and my who-ha as if his eyes and tongue are going to fall out of his head, which he never did before today. Then there is that springy snake-like thing hanging from his lower body that I never paid any attention to before, which used to just dangle there, but now it is saluting me. I’ve got to tell you it’s pretty gross. I’d like to know what that is, thank you very much.”
“Wait a minute, Eve, who told you that you were naked?” asked God. “Adam, have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
Adam said, “ME, why are you picking on me? She’s the problem. It wasn’t my fault. This woman you put here with me—SHE gave me some fruit from the tree, and made me eat it. SHE kept saying, ‘Try it; it will be fun.’ If it hadn’t been for ‘that woman,’ I’d be going on about my business without a care in the world right now.”
“Ooooh, Adam, you are so busted,” I said. “Blame it on the woman, you balless wonder. Eve is never going to let you live this down—she’s going to make your life a living hell for throwing her under the bus.”
“The serpent lied to me, and I ate the fruity thing in the middle of the garden,” said Eve rather petulantly. “At first I wasn’t going to because you said we would die if we did, but then ol’ sneaky snake over there said, ‘Go on, God knows you won’t die, but when you eat of it your eyes will be opened—you’ll be like God, able to know good from evil.’ So when I bit into the fruit and didn’t die, I thought, ‘oh well, looks like God didn’t really tell me the truth, now did he?’ You see, I’m still alive, right?” said a slightly irritated Eve. “The only thing that changed is I noticed the one-eyed monster hanging off the lower part of Adam’s body seemed to be up to no good.”
“Oy, Eve—what have you done—do you not understand metaphor?” asked an exasperated God. “I was really looking forward to an uneventful evening and a delightful dinner. But since you both chose to disobey my orders and lie to my face in front of my friend, I have no choice but to ‘bring it’ against you two. So here’s how it’s going down from now on. ET, the Blogger, take notes for posterity. You can call it Genesis if you like and publish it for generations to come.
“Sneaky Snake, you are cursed above all livestock and all wild animals. You will crawl on your belly and eat dust all the days of your life. Uh, uh, zip it! Don’t even attempt to say a word. That’s what you get for lying to the kids. Also, I’m declaring war between you and the woman, and the woman’s children will constantly crush your head under their feet.
“Eve, I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with pain you will give birth to children. What’s childbearing, you ask? You’ll soon find out. Hint: Beware of Adam’s one-eyed monster. And stop whimpering! You should have thought about the repercussions before you lied, Child. Didn’t I tell you that you would die? You thought I meant, literally, didn’t you? But when you’re in the midst of squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole that is the circumference of a grape, not only will you feel like you’re dying but you’re gonna want to kill Adam because of it. Mark my words. And as an added bonus your libido is going to kick in, and you will want to please your husband, but because you coerced him into disobedience, he will lord his position over you, and women across the Earth throughout the end of time will want to wring your neck for the situation they’ve inherited from you. This was not my original plan, but there you have it. I created you both in my image—equal partners—but now everything is all screwy.
Used by permission: Bill Schorr, Cagle Cartoons
“Adam, because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree which I told you not to, and then blamed your action born out of your own free will on her (come on son, that was really low), the very ground is cursed because of you; getting food from the ground will be as painful as having babies is for your wife. You will be working in pain all your life long. It will be nothing but work, work, work, work, work, work, work. Gone are those glory days of Eden where everything was easy-peasy and all fun and games. Consequently, women will outlive men on an average of five years or so. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? Can we go back to the drawing board—start all over—get me a new woman?” said the penitent Adam.
“Not on your life!” replied an agitated God. “’Don’t touch or you will die,’ means exactly that. This realm of life is now dead to you. The rest of the details of your punishment can be picked up from my executive assistant after I kick your butts out of my perfect garden. (Take that nasty-behind snake with you, as well.) And don’t think you’re going to be able to get back in when life gets hard, and you think I’m not paying attention. I plan to station a couple of angels at the gate to stand guard. If you’re going to make adult choices by doing your own thing and then lying about it, then it is time you made your own way in the world and deal with the consequences. Now hold still while I shear a couple of sheep and whip you up some clothes to cover up your bits and pieces now that you know you’re naked. You two haven’t been on Earth more than a half a second, and you’ve already caused an eternity of trouble.”
“Kids—you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them,” said the disgruntled and rather sad God to me. “Come along, Eleanor, the Blogger, I’m going to have to school you on what type of world you’ll inherit due to the first sin of mankind: lying. Sorry to inform you that you and your female counterparts are going to have a rough go of it because of today’s shenanigans. It can’t be helped, but you’ll figure out how to overcome it—of that I’m sure. And hang on to your hat Baby, because if I know anything about the men I’ve created, murder will soon follow as the second act.”
ET THE BLOGGER’S DIARY NOTE ON ‘THE FALL OF MAN’—4000 BC: That is when I first realized that mankind couldn’t handle the truth. I was there—I should know.
I am discovering that but by the grace of God go us all. I must confess that I have a tendency to lie because I am a natural-born storyteller and an actress. People who are writers and actors often blur the line between fantasy and reality. If I don’t assiduously monitor my behavior, I will lie when I don’t want to face harsh criticism (definitely a leftover from my psychotic childhood), and I will lie when I want to be accepted by people who usually don’t mean a hill of beans to me and aren’t worth the paper they are judging me on (my therapist and I are still working on that one). My lies may not be tall tales like Brian’s, but that is because I don’t live on as high a plane as he does. It’s all relative. I actually feel kind of bad for the dude, because his most vocal critics (Fox News and breitbart.com, and the like) practically invented lying to the public, but you wouldn’t know it by how sanctimonious they’ve been over poor Brian’s demise.
What I found fascinating about the stories on Brian’s downfall was not so much that he lied, but that he blew through the warning signs that would have course-corrected him and kept him from falling into the liar’s abyss—probably would have saved him from what will most likely be his undoing as a journalist. Upon reading several articles on the subject, I learned that it has been suggested Brian Williams is deeply insecure and no matter how high he has risen career-wise, he has the pressing need to dazzle because he never feels quite good enough. Other dime-store psychologists have suggested that Mr. Williams thought he was too big to fail ($10M/year salary and a high muckety-muck position at NBC News), while others have implied that Brian surrounded himself with “yes men and women”—no one had the courage to tell him the truth if they disagreed with his perspective about what he was doing—they couldn’t tell him “no.” That’s too bad. Courageous Truth Sayers in our lives are the only antidote against a lying spirit. If Brian Williams is to make it in the future, he needs to pick himself up a couple of these types of trustworthy people and attach them to his hips and listen to them. I have a few courageous Truth Sayers in my life, and it is the only reason I can sleep at night.
“There are some good people. But a good chunk of them will lie for no reason at all – it’ll be ten o’clock and they’ll tell you it’s nine. You’re looking at the clock and you can’t even fathom why they’re lying. They just lie because that’s what they do.”—John Cusack
“Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.”—Harry S Truman
“Lying is not only saying what isn’t true. It is also, in fact especially, saying more than is true and, in the case of the human heart, saying more than one feels. We all do it, every day, to make life simpler.”—Albert Camus
QUOTES COURTESY OF www.brainyquote.com
Basic script of conversation between God, Adam, and Eve loosely based on Genesis 3 in The Holy Bible (TNIV and Message translations)
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Courtesy of memegnerator.net
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