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VALENTINE’S DAY CARD KISS-OFFS!

07 Feb

Do you know what I discovered a long time ago about finding a decent man?   It ain’t easy, Baby! I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found a prince and date a lot of cretins before I landed a Renaissance man. It took years, but I finally found the love of my life (WW, “White and Wonderful”).  We have fought the demons of life together for over forty years, and we’re still holding on to each other like a couple of otters.

Sweet Otters

But I almost missed him—almost missed him by a thousand miles or more because I kept giving my heart to men who didn’t deserve me. It’s as if the Cupid who “shot” me with his love arrows, that drew me to those other men, was stoned and in need of target practice. Had I not instinctively known the Maya Angelou dictate—“When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time—I would have “settled” and summarily screwed up my life. Instead, I walked—no, I bolted—the minute they did me wrong, and I never looked back.  I didn’t wait around to see if they would change because I knew they wouldn’t.  And I kept on running until I eventually found my main man.

Cupid Screw Up

So I decided this Valentine’s holiday to send “Valentine Kiss-Off” cards (à la Jimmy Fallon’s “Thank You Notes”) to all the men I loved before, and thank them for showing me what I didn’t want in a man. When the genuine article came along in WW, there was no confusion. I recognized him as the “real deal” almost immediately because my ex-boyfriends had shown me by their behavior what a real man should look like. (My apologies to all poets living and dead—and all those yet to be born.)

*** *** ***

DEAR LYING, JIVE-TIME, SECRETLY MARRIED BOYFRIEND OF 1971

Bad Romance

You promised you loved me,

I believed you, I did.

Though you rarely showed up,

Half the times that you said.

I decided to surprise you

That summer on tour,

Drove through the night

Met yo’ mama at the door.

“My son ain’t here,”

(Vomit churnin’ in my gut)

“I thought you was a good girl

Who knew you was a slut.”

Turns out you’re married now,

(Yo’ Mama thought I knew)

I hugged and thanked her twice,

Said: “Tell your boy, we’re through.”

Happy Valentine’s Day,

You cheatin’ a-hole Ex of old

The man who loves me now

He’s a “Mensch”* made of gold.

*MENSCH: Someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being “a real mensch” is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous. (Rosten, Leo. 1968. The Joys of Yiddish. New York: Pocket Books. 237) Urban Dictionary

*** *** ***

DEAR ARROGANT, COLD-HEARTED, SOB BOYFRIEND OF 1969

Lose Weight Valentine Card

Damn, you was such a handsome boy!

Pardon me: a fine lookin’ man

All decked out in dress blues

Back from Viet Nam.

You knew it too, you son of a bitch

Thought you was all that and a bag of chips.

Skin the color of golden wheat

With succulent, luscious, to-die-for lips.

Dark brown eyes that had me,

Made me—drownin’ in pools of lust.

Then when you was all spent,

Your goddamn mood went bust.

You said: “You put on weight while I was gone

Yo’ ass not as fine as it used to be,

Slim it on down, Lil Chubby-ass Chunky,

If you want to be seen round town with me.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, OO-RAH!

My Ex-Marine in black and blue.

I walked out on your ass that very day,

Married a man, a gazillion times better than you.

Tells me daily how beautiful I am,

(After 40 years, I know he’s probably lyin’)

So what?—he really loves me for me

And I bless him for even tryin’. **

**I AM WHAT I AM: “I am what I am, I am my own special creation. So come take a look, give me the hook or the ovation. It’s my world that I want to take a little pride in, My world and it’s not a place I have to hide in, Life’s not worth a damn, Till you can say, ‘Hey world, I am what I am.’” –La Cage Aux Folles; Lyrics by Jerry Herman

*** *** ***

DEAR STUPID, CLUELESS, NEVER-PICKED-UP-A-BOOK-IN-YOUR-LIFE, BUT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING, BOYFRIEND OF 1970

Sarah Palin Meme

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

You called me out

For not “gettin’ down with the peeps” like you.

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue,

You said I was actin’ all white with my talk

Said I read too much, too.

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue,

I dumped your stupid ass

For someone much smarter than you.

 

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Valentine, you’re still shuckin’ and jivin’ in the ghetto.

Look at me! Traveling the world—praising God every day I got rid of you. ***

***LET NO ONE ELSE DEFINE YOU: “If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”— Audre Lorde

*** *** ***

A VALENTINE WISH FOR ALL MY READERS FROM A WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN IN LOVE FOR OVER 40 YEARS WITH THE ONE THAT WAS MEANT TO BE—HERE’S THE SECRET TO LOVE:

Love someone who makes you laugh

(Anonymous Google Meme)

*** *** ***

Old Couple Farts

“Sometimes the more chances you give the more respect you lose. Your standards begin to be ignored when you let people get comfortable in knowing that another chance will always exist. They start to depend on your forgiveness. That’s why I’m no longer a slave to apologies. Treat me right the first time because I can’t guarantee you a next time (emphasis mine). It’s impossible to keep me once you’ve lost my trust. I’m not saying you have to be afraid to lose me, what I’m sayin’ is . . . I’m not afraid to walk away.” — @TrentShelton #RehabTime

“The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down, and will give their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will NEVER get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the BEST YOU, not the hurt you! Never forget that.”—@TrentShelton #RehabTime

 

WANT TO READ THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK (Monsters’ Throwdown)? BUY NOW AT AMAZON!

LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR? CHECK OUT www.eleanortomczyk.com

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
17 Comments

Posted by on February 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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17 responses to “VALENTINE’S DAY CARD KISS-OFFS!

  1. calvin

    February 7, 2015 at 9:42 am

    ‘E’, you have managed to put a smile on my face on a otherwise dismal morning. It’s such a bitch to find that other side of the love connection coin, for both genders. Raising my mug of comforting java, I salut your happiness and life with the great WW; here’s to ‘heartbeats accelerating’ for years to come.

     
    • etomczyk

      February 8, 2015 at 10:26 pm

      Calvin, What a delightful comment. I raise my cup of comforting java right back at you, my friend. Thanks so much for the cheer! I’m happy that the previous frogs didn’t break my heart into many pieces before I found Prince WW who healed me from it all. Take care.

       
  2. Let's CUT the Crap!

    February 7, 2015 at 9:59 am

    You are always such a breath of fresh air, Eleanor. You cut through the crap and pull out the silk.
    Happy 40th Valentines to YOU two. 😀 😀 😀 I do love a good love story. One that lasts is the best kind. ❤

     
  3. Ann Gaudreaux

    February 7, 2015 at 10:55 am

    E: Loved it. Ann

    Sent from my iPad

    >

     
  4. imagesbytdashfield

    February 7, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    Of all of my exes I am friends with one to this day and the rest if I saw them I probably wouldn’t recognize them or would just say hi only if they recognized me. There’s just one ex I’m still dealing with …darn it! LOL I’m just fine with my fuzzy DH bunny and that’s the end of that!

     
    • etomczyk

      February 9, 2015 at 2:19 pm

      TD: From what you have written and photographed “fuzzy DH bunny” is a prince. You did good, girl!

       
  5. Elyse

    February 7, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    Hey! We dated the same guys!

     
    • etomczyk

      February 9, 2015 at 2:14 pm

      Elyse. Oh not, say it isn’t so! I wouldn’t wish these characters on my worst enemies. So glad you found your prince.

       
  6. Hotmail

    February 8, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Great post! Love the otters! >

     
  7. Dottie

    February 8, 2015 at 9:52 pm

    Very funny blog. Unfortunately, I can relate only too well. But, all’s well that ends well, and we are both fortunate on that count.

     
    • etomczyk

      February 9, 2015 at 2:07 pm

      Dottie, isn’t that the truth! We both did well. There are so many frogs out there, for sure. Take care.

       
  8. valentinelogar

    February 9, 2015 at 7:53 am

    I am dying here, fallin’ over and dying with laughter, hootin’ and hollerin’ with gales of laughter. Laughing down the inside of my leg. I suspect we dated some of the same men, hell I think I married one of them.

    thank you thank you thank you….I need that. Would it be forward of me to say, I simply love you for this one.

     
    • etomczyk

      February 9, 2015 at 1:56 pm

      Val. Not forward at all! I feel blessed to have made you laugh after the week you’ve had. All the best my friend! 🙂

       
  9. becomingcliche

    February 9, 2015 at 7:08 pm

    Good stuff, Eleanor! And thanks for the reminder about Dr. Maya. I try to believe them the first time. Sometimes I forget.

     
  10. aFrankAngle

    February 11, 2015 at 9:05 am

    I lost count how many times I laughed during this post. Happy Valentine’s Day to you and WW!

     
    • etomczyk

      February 12, 2015 at 7:58 pm

      Hi Frank. So glad you liked this post. I promise I won’t quit my day job to become a poet. Happy V-Day to you and Mrs. A. as well.

       
  11. Kirsten

    March 2, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    Oh gosh, just catching up on a few entries from last month… this is PRICELESS. Look out Shakespeare — ET is in town! XOXO

     

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