Baby Daddies

07 Jun

Do you know what I discovered about Father’s Day?  When you had a sperm donor as a father, as I did, I pretty much wish I could put the recognition day on a remote and fast forward through it.  I talk a lot about searching for my dad as a child in my book, Monsters’ Throwdown, and my one encounter with him being the stuff horror movies are made of.  My father was not worth the carbon used to form him.

Fortunately, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some great dads (my husband included in the mix), but I must admit that I’ve met some real deadbeats, as well—“players” who needed to have their thingie put on lock-down before being allowed to get near a woman’s vagina.  When I weigh the absentee dads against the stand-up dads, it seems as if the former outweigh the latter by four to one.  Why is that?  Why did God put baby-making on automatic pilot without some type of mandatory fatherhood training classes that required a license to operate their ignoble member?

I’m going to chill out from blogging for a short break while I celebrate my 35th anniversary and 66th birthday with my babies’ daddy.  While I’m sipping gin and tonics in my garden with him, take an adventure with me into a dystopian society, that I’ve often imagined—where penises have to register and get educated as fathers before “releasing the kraken.”  See you soon!



In the not too distant future, there exists a society where there are no fatherless children because I am the god of that planet and all penises must be registered before becoming operational.  Below is a brief example of the application process and a random interview with Mr. Player.

FUTURE ME:  Hello, Mr. Player.  Welcome to TBDASSS (Thwarting Baby Daddy Abandonment Syndrome—Sperm by Sperm).  Let’s get your registration started.  Name of penis?

PLAYER:  Dick.

FUTURE ME:  Right, that’s the moniker you wish for your stretchy toy for all eternity? Not.  I think you can do better than that, buster.

PLAYER:  Well, when I was five years old, I called it the “whoopee stick.”  And then at fourteen, I named it “Krull the Warrior King.”  How about one of those names?

FUTURE ME:  Ei-yie-yie!  I don’t have enough entry spaces for those names.   Let’s assign your one-eyed monster a temporary name, or we’ll never get through the application process.  You can always change it later. How about Peter?

PLAYER:  Whatever.  Let’s just get this over with.  I just sent out a text to some girl for my first booty call, and I don’t want to be late.

FUTURE ME:  Some girl?  A girl that is somebody’s daughter, sister, cousin, or niece—that some girl?  Player, you are something else.  Let’s get started here before I lose my objectivity about your case.

QUESTION #1:  So you want to deploy Peter.  Does the applicant realize that in so doing, a baby may be formed in the process?  Should you become a father, do you know what it means to take responsibility and “show up,”—not just for the initial moment to kiss your baby-mama’s ass goodbye—but to show up for the rest of your kid’s life?

PLAYER:  Show up?  Yeah, I know how to show up; that’s what I’m tryin’ to do with my first booty call tonight.  That’s why I don’t want to be late.   I got a rep to maintain, woman.  As for becomin’ a father—that ain’t  gonna happen to me.  I’m too young for that, shit.  Besides, havin’ a kid would blow my mojo.

QUESTION #2:  Do you know the lyrics to “I’m a little teapot, short and stout?”

PLAYER:  What does that have to do with anything?  I want to knock boots, not drink tea.  Besides, I drink only Grey Goose or Ketel One.  Just ask me.   I now everything there is to know about vodka.

QUESTION #3: Can you play cops and robbers for hours on end?”

PLAYER:  Is that a sex game?

Father's Parental Leave Tab, The Calgary Sun

Used by permission: Father’s Parental Leave/Tab, The Calgary Sun

QUESTION #4:  Define long-suffering.

PLAYER:  Long, as in the size of my . . .

QUESTIONS #5, #6, AND #7:  How do you handle anger?  Have you ever hit a woman? Do you love your mother?

PLAYER:  What the fuck does this have to do with doin’ the wild thing?

QUESTION #8:  Fill in the blank:  I will do whatever it takes as a father to__________

PLAYER:  Ride my lady all night long!

FUTURE ME:  That’s it, player—you failed the test!  The answer was “I will do whatever it takes as a father to make sure my kids have whatever they need to succeed in the world: I’ll work my ass off, show up to any and every thing they appear in (no matter how out-of-tune or mind-numbingly boring it is); I’ll tell them that I love them on a consistent basis, and let them know how proud I am to be their dad until the day I die.”  If you could have answered the last question, player, you would have been forgiven all the wrong answers to the previous questions because you could have learned how to figure them out as you grew into fatherhood.  Question #8 ascertains whether you have a father’s heart.  Obviously, you do not.


PLAYER:  Wait . . . wait . . . you’re gonna turn me down—just like that?  Was it because of the unimaginative names for my penis that I submitted?  I can do better.  How about “Schlong-dong-a-doodle,” or “The Amazing Schmekel”?  Ooh, ooh, ooh; I’ve got the perfect name: “The Single-barreled, pump-action bullock—the fun stick that keeps on giving”!


Live in Father Bob Englehart, The Hartford Courant

Used by permission: Live in Father Bob Englehart, The Hartford Courant


I am discovering that a good father is really hard to find.  When I meet people who have grown up under the tutelage of a faithful, steadfast, adoring father, I am so jealous.  Those people tend to wreak confidence, ooze self-esteem, and radiate courage.  I, however, have always walked with a limp and always will because of the lack of a good father.

To all those wonderful men (my husband included) who determined to show up, be present and accounted for, and sacrifice their lives for their children—HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

“America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.” ― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

 “Dads.  Do you not realize that a child is what you tell them they are? That people almost always become what they are labeled? Was whatever your child just did really the “dumbest thing you’ve ever seen somebody do”? Was it really the “most ridiculous thing they ever could have done”? Do you really believe that your child is an idiot? Because she now does. Think about that. Because you said it, she now believes it. Bravo.” ― Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing


Thanks to NCFM (National Coalition for Men) for their collection of 174 nicknames for the one-eyed monster

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


Posted by on June 7, 2014 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , ,

16 responses to “Baby Daddies

  1. Valentine Logar

    June 7, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Yes Mam’ you have nailed it to the floor. My dad became a father, true in my later years but absent through the years that counted, he could not be counted upon to stave off the monsters. It was a hard row to hoe, he and I coming together.

    One would think this entire issue would cause young girls and women to put their baby makers on lockdown, make the pharma industry richer than they already are selling pregnancy prevention; but no, indeed these girls and women continue to throw their legs wide and welcome these playas inside who have no good intentions.

    Happy Anniversary and Birthday my dear friend.

    • etomczyk

      June 7, 2014 at 7:34 pm

      Val: Isn’t it the truth. Can the self-esteem of most women be so low that there is not a strong pushback from the majority of our female population. Can you imagine if the bar was raised by women; men would have no choice but to step up to the plate. I thought the feminist movement was supposed to help us do that.

      • Valentine Logar

        June 7, 2014 at 7:37 pm

        I hope you will stop by and read my post today, I think it answers some of this. I don’t think we can speak to raising the bar until we raise ourselves, raise each other. We are still so busy knocking each other down trying to crawl out and climb over, we forget we are in it together. I don’t think the feminist movement answered the question.

  2. becomingcliche

    June 7, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    I didn’t celebrate Father’s Day until my kids came along. Then I had something to celebrate and someone to honor. My husband is such a great dad. Sometimes, seeing a spouse be a great parent is a really healing thing.

    • etomczyk

      June 7, 2014 at 7:30 pm

      BC: You’re so right about seeing a spouse be a great parent can cause healing in those of us whose hearts were broken by our fathers. So glad that has been both our experiences. All the best.

  3. Let's CUT the Crap!

    June 7, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    I love the application form and process you allude to. My ex could have used one, but on second thought he would have failed hands down. At least then I might have stepped away but then I would n’t have the daughter and grandchildren I do. Why is life so

    Excellent post.

    • etomczyk

      June 7, 2014 at 7:29 pm

      Tess: That’s why I call it a “dystopian” society. There is no Utopia unless you can exercise free will which is what the mating game is all about. You make your own choices and hope for the best. It is complicated and one that God lets us all figure out for ourselves.

      • Let's CUT the Crap!

        June 8, 2014 at 4:56 pm

        I never take anything for granted in my life, and never have. I’m glad my choice of marriage partner, though it went south, was not a bad deal. 😀

  4. Hudson Howl

    June 7, 2014 at 11:27 pm

    Even with a good father life is tough, so it is difficult to imagine growing up without one. There seems to be an ever increasing number of fathers raising their children without the mother as well. Both are sad situations. Still, the times they are a change’n, not for better so it would seem. I thought it was getting better or at least I hoped.

    A few weeks ago I happened upon the interview Oprah did with Al Sharpton. The later part of the interviewed focused on the man Reverend Sharpton once was. Without a father in his life he became what he thought a man should be like. The Al Sharpton of today is far different man then the Al Sharpton of yesterday.

    I don’t have children, and it is exactly a year ago that my father died. So I guess Fathers Day will have to be a day for Hope and a day Remembrance, seems fitting?

    Your application process, hilarious. Reminds me of , ‘one needs a fishing license but one does not need a license to be parent………Again ‘E’, you hit it out of the ball park -Codes and values.n once was.

    • etomczyk

      June 15, 2014 at 6:58 pm

      Hi Hudson: I always love your comments. In a perfect world, a child should have both a mother and father, but the most important thing is LOVE. Even with one parent, if the home is soaked in love, the kid(s) will do well. Take care.

  5. aFrankAngle

    June 16, 2014 at 8:03 am

    Happy belated birthday and anniversary. I’m sure you had a wonderful time. … On a similar line as to your application, I used to say (and still do believe) that anyone should be able to quit school on their own at age 16 … well, under one condition …. sterilization.

    • etomczyk

      June 16, 2014 at 3:59 pm

      Frank, that is hysterical! I love your sterilization line.

      As to the anniversary, WW did outdo himself. When I showed the kids the latest bling, their responses were: “But of course Dad did that–he spoils you rotten!” It was good to talk of the years we’ve loved each other through and set our focus on ending well in our latter years as a couple. You and Mrs. A. are living the life we would like to emulate (except for the golf) and would love to join a dinner club similar to the type that you’ve made those wonderful meals for. (Instead of bell chorus, our arts outlet would be theater.) Who knows–maybe one day we’ll run into you both on a cruise ship. Still dreaming about cruising through the Panama Canal. Cheers!

      • aFrankAngle

        June 17, 2014 at 6:26 am


        Justification: If one is stupid enough to quit school, they shouldn’t be breeding.

        Not sure what cruise is on our next hit list, after all, after moving, this year is one about getting settled. The Panama Canal is one, but so are several in Europe.

        Our dinner group was originally put together at church with a goal of getting to know each other though 4 simple meals over 9 months. Well, that was 1999.

      • etomczyk

        June 17, 2014 at 6:34 pm

        Frank, the dinner-group idea is a fabulous one. Will keep in mind since we’ll be doing the move that you and Mrs. A have done in the future and will need interesting ways to make new friends. Definitely a keeper!

      • aFrankAngle

        June 18, 2014 at 6:29 am

        You would love our group .. .good food and good wine with good people.

  6. talesfromthemotherland

    June 23, 2014 at 4:53 am

    Losing my dad at such a young age, I’ve spent much of my life wishing he’d been around. In the short time I had him, he gave me such a sense of being loved. I wish I’d have gotten to see that play out. I’m so glad my own kids have benefitted from a strong, loving father. I’m working on a dinner club too… someday we’ll have to share some gin and tonics.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: