Do you know what I discovered about Father’s Day? When you had a sperm donor as a father, as I did, I pretty much wish I could put the recognition day on a remote and fast forward through it. I talk a lot about searching for my dad as a child in my book, Monsters’ Throwdown, and my one encounter with him being the stuff horror movies are made of. My father was not worth the carbon used to form him.
Fortunately, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some great dads (my husband included in the mix), but I must admit that I’ve met some real deadbeats, as well—“players” who needed to have their thingie put on lock-down before being allowed to get near a woman’s vagina. When I weigh the absentee dads against the stand-up dads, it seems as if the former outweigh the latter by four to one. Why is that? Why did God put baby-making on automatic pilot without some type of mandatory fatherhood training classes that required a license to operate their ignoble member?
I’m going to chill out from blogging for a short break while I celebrate my 35th anniversary and 66th birthday with my babies’ daddy. While I’m sipping gin and tonics in my garden with him, take an adventure with me into a dystopian society, that I’ve often imagined—where penises have to register and get educated as fathers before “releasing the kraken.” See you soon!
A DYSTOPIAN FATHER’S DAY TALE, by Eleanor Tomczyk
In the not too distant future, there exists a society where there are no fatherless children because I am the god of that planet and all penises must be registered before becoming operational. Below is a brief example of the application process and a random interview with Mr. Player.
FUTURE ME: Hello, Mr. Player. Welcome to TBDASSS (Thwarting Baby Daddy Abandonment Syndrome—Sperm by Sperm). Let’s get your registration started. Name of penis?
FUTURE ME: Right, that’s the moniker you wish for your stretchy toy for all eternity? Not. I think you can do better than that, buster.
PLAYER: Well, when I was five years old, I called it the “whoopee stick.” And then at fourteen, I named it “Krull the Warrior King.” How about one of those names?
FUTURE ME: Ei-yie-yie! I don’t have enough entry spaces for those names. Let’s assign your one-eyed monster a temporary name, or we’ll never get through the application process. You can always change it later. How about Peter?
PLAYER: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with. I just sent out a text to some girl for my first booty call, and I don’t want to be late.
FUTURE ME: Some girl? A girl that is somebody’s daughter, sister, cousin, or niece—that some girl? Player, you are something else. Let’s get started here before I lose my objectivity about your case.
QUESTION #1: So you want to deploy Peter. Does the applicant realize that in so doing, a baby may be formed in the process? Should you become a father, do you know what it means to take responsibility and “show up,”—not just for the initial moment to kiss your baby-mama’s ass goodbye—but to show up for the rest of your kid’s life?
PLAYER: Show up? Yeah, I know how to show up; that’s what I’m tryin’ to do with my first booty call tonight. That’s why I don’t want to be late. I got a rep to maintain, woman. As for becomin’ a father—that ain’t gonna happen to me. I’m too young for that, shit. Besides, havin’ a kid would blow my mojo.
QUESTION #2: Do you know the lyrics to “I’m a little teapot, short and stout?”
PLAYER: What does that have to do with anything? I want to knock boots, not drink tea. Besides, I drink only Grey Goose or Ketel One. Just ask me. I now everything there is to know about vodka.
QUESTION #3: Can you play cops and robbers for hours on end?”
PLAYER: Is that a sex game?
Used by permission: Father’s Parental Leave/Tab, The Calgary Sun
QUESTION #4: Define long-suffering.
PLAYER: Long, as in the size of my . . .
QUESTIONS #5, #6, AND #7: How do you handle anger? Have you ever hit a woman? Do you love your mother?
PLAYER: What the fuck does this have to do with doin’ the wild thing?
QUESTION #8: Fill in the blank: I will do whatever it takes as a father to__________
PLAYER: Ride my lady all night long!
FUTURE ME: That’s it, player—you failed the test! The answer was “I will do whatever it takes as a father to make sure my kids have whatever they need to succeed in the world: I’ll work my ass off, show up to any and every thing they appear in (no matter how out-of-tune or mind-numbingly boring it is); I’ll tell them that I love them on a consistent basis, and let them know how proud I am to be their dad until the day I die.” If you could have answered the last question, player, you would have been forgiven all the wrong answers to the previous questions because you could have learned how to figure them out as you grew into fatherhood. Question #8 ascertains whether you have a father’s heart. Obviously, you do not.
I’m stamping your application: VAGINA ACCESS DENIED! COME BACK IN SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR.
PLAYER: Wait . . . wait . . . you’re gonna turn me down—just like that? Was it because of the unimaginative names for my penis that I submitted? I can do better. How about “Schlong-dong-a-doodle,” or “The Amazing Schmekel”? Ooh, ooh, ooh; I’ve got the perfect name: “The Single-barreled, pump-action bullock—the fun stick that keeps on giving”!
FUTURE ME: NEXT APPLICANT FOR FATHERHOOD—THIS WINDOW IS OPEN!
Used by permission: Live in Father Bob Englehart, The Hartford Courant
I am discovering that a good father is really hard to find. When I meet people who have grown up under the tutelage of a faithful, steadfast, adoring father, I am so jealous. Those people tend to wreak confidence, ooze self-esteem, and radiate courage. I, however, have always walked with a limp and always will because of the lack of a good father.
To all those wonderful men (my husband included) who determined to show up, be present and accounted for, and sacrifice their lives for their children—HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!
“America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.” ― Stephen Colbert, I Am America
“Dads. Do you not realize that a child is what you tell them they are? That people almost always become what they are labeled? Was whatever your child just did really the “dumbest thing you’ve ever seen somebody do”? Was it really the “most ridiculous thing they ever could have done”? Do you really believe that your child is an idiot? Because she now does. Think about that. Because you said it, she now believes it. Bravo.” ― Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
Thanks to NCFM (National Coalition for Men) for their collection of 174 nicknames for the one-eyed monster
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