Do you know what I’ve discovered this week? I am at war with a woman who has really set my teeth on edge. She is older than I am and has absolutely no respect for me. The heifer is constantly all up in my grill with her attitude and unpredictability. She throws shade at me every chance she can get and disregards my needs, my wants, and my desires.
Today was 70 degrees outside and yesterday wasn’t half bad either. DC has had two days of spring-like weather after a hellish winter, and all is right with my world. As I ran errands without a coat, I spontaneously broke into a dance in front of the grocery story as I sang Pharrell Williams’ “Happy” song at the top of my lungs:
“It might seem crazy what I’m about to say,
Sunshine she’s here, you can take a break…
Because I’m happy…”
Meme courtesy of www.funnypicturesutopia.com
But when I returned home, “Nature’s Mom” (a.k.a. Mother Nature) had left me a calling card: the Capital Weather Gang’s report in The Washington Post about the demon weather that is coming my way within the next 16 hours or so—courtesy of this chick who claims to be “nature.”
“Roller coaster Wednesday: Temps to spike then crash, with storms and howling winds . . .”
“Temperatures plummeting from roughly 70 to 25 degrees in 6 hours in Washington area . . .”
I went out into my backyard and screamed at the heavens:
NATURE’S MOM—SPRING IS ON ITS WAY! BUDS ARE ON THE TREES IN MY YARD . . . CROCUS (CROCUSES, CROCUSI?) ARE PUSHING THROUGH THE SOIL AT MY FEET. MY DAFFODILS ARE POKING THEIR LITTLE HEADS UP AND WAVING AT ME. A BUNNY JUST HOPPED BY. THE VERNAL EQUINOX STARTS ON MARCH 20TH AT 12:57 P.M. EDT WHICH MEANS SPRING WILL HAVE OFFICIALLY SPRUNG! WHAT MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED TO CEASE AND DESIST?
Meme courtesy of www.slapcaption.com
NATURE’S MOM: Climate change.
ME: Say what? Who just said that? Show yourself?
NATURE’S MOM: Oh, I’ll show myself Wednesday night—don’t you worry about that, Chica. Right now you’ll just have to put up with my voice in your head. Climate change is driving my agenda.
ME: I don’t even know what climate change is. I’m just trying to get my mental health to survive here. Causing these extreme temperatures and horrid wind patterns are a personal issue between you and me, bitch. I just got over a bad sinus infection; I’ve been stuck in the house for weeks—I need sunshine and warmth—not a lecture!
NATURE’S MOM: Well, you should know what climate change is—it is your responsibility to know, and it is why I’m out of control all over the Earth—I’m trying to get you and your peeps to WAKE UP! According to your own EPA site, climate change refers to:
“. . . any significant change in the measures of climate lasting for an extended period of time. In other words, climate change includes major changes in temperature, precipitation, or wind patterns, among other effects, that occur over several decades or longer.”
Cartoonist: Mike Luckovich, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
ME: Listen, Heifer, this is personal! I have had to escape your clutches ever since I was born. I wrote about some of your mayhem in my new book Monsters’ Throwdown. Have you read it?
NATURE’S MOM: Oh please, surely you jest . . .
ME: Don’t call me Shirley—my name is Eleanor (hee, hee, hee)!
NATURE’S MOM: What are you, 13?
ME: WHAT EVER! I’m trying to draw your attention to the times you almost killed me because of your excesses. I am only concerned about me and the fact that I’m fucking sick of winter—I WANT SPRING TO SPRING! Do you remember when I was two years old, my hometown of Cleveland was hit with 30 inches of snow from you, and I was stuck in a rat-trap of a house for weeks on end with a schizophrenic mother and barely any food?
NATURE’S MOM: You remember that? I thought you were just two years old then. Have you been lying about your age?
ME: No, others told me about it. But that’s not the point. In 1959, you caused so much rain to fall on top of mountains of snow that most of Ohio was flooded. I had to be rescued from my school via a second floor window into a row-boat. Do you wonder that I’m afraid of water in my old age? Oh and here’s a good one: remember that freak snowstorm you sent to upstate New York in late April during the 70s (late freakin’ April, no less!) that dropped several feet of snow on the region? WW and I were coming back from his sister’s wedding, and we went into a tailspin in the middle of the night and almost careened off the edge of a cliff. What is it with you that you can’t stay within your natural boundaries? You almost cost me my future. Repeat after me: winter is from December to February—spring is from March to May, summer is . . .
NATURE’S MOM: Are you getting cheeky with me? Because I still have Wednesday night up my sleeve. When’s the last time you experienced lightning in winter aimed directly at your house? Remember the storm a few years ago that knocked out your electricity for two weeks, and the power surge that fried your microwave, your ceiling fan, and your computer? Well, I can do that again. Instead of throwing a hissy-fit over the delayed advent of spring, why don’t you tell me your plan as an individual to help fight global warming?
ME: Uh, did I hear that House of Cards is back on and ready for binge watching? Gotta go! Let’s do lunch when you usher in summer (80 degrees, calm breeze, sunshine galore, and gin and tonics on the deck). Cheers!
Cartoonist: David Horsey, LA Times
I am discovering that I can’t mess with Mother Nature—I just have to get out of her way and grab some extra blankets to stay warm while I grumble. I also must confess that other than recycling, eating less meat (I loves me some steak, so that’s not going very well), and using energy-saving appliances, I’m pretty clueless as to how to really be effective when it comes to course-correcting our planet’s environmental illness. As a Christian, I believe the scientists that detrimental climate change is happening—which is a start—but I must confess the magnitude of the subject overwhelms me because it requires governments (from the USA to China), industries, and individuals to modify their behavior in major ways, and it makes me inert.
“That’s the thing about Mother Nature, she really doesn’t care what economic bracket you’re in.”—Whoopi Goldberg
“As human beings, we are vulnerable to confusing the unprecedented with the improbable. In our everyday experience, if something has never happened before, we are generally safe in assuming it is not going to happen in the future, but the exceptions can kill you and climate change is one of those exceptions.”—Al Gore
“I don’t think we’re yet evolved to the point where we’re clever enough to handle as complex a situation as climate change. The inertia of humans is so huge that you can’t really do anything meaningful.”—James Lovelock
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