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You Had ONE Job!

02 Mar

Do you know what I discovered about March this year?  It had one job—albeit, a multilayered job description—and it has summarily blown it!  March 1st was supposed to massage us out of freezing temperatures, making way for daylight savings time in two weeks, and opening the doors to the meteorological beginning of spring in the Northern Hemisphere, if Wikipedia is to be trusted.  But right now 106 million people from coast to coast are awash in another arctic air blast which is pushing eastward.  In my hometown, I am currently bracing for a “tenth of an inch of ice, topped by 8 to 12 inches of snow,” if The Washington Post is to be believed.  Auuuugh!

Cold Weather No End John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune

Used by permission:  John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune

I’m so freakin’ tired of this weather.  I finally got rid of the sinus infection from Hell, but then my “crap” (my house and the shit in it) started auditioning for the “You Had One Job” reality TV show that I didn’t even know existed until last week.  I’m so pissed that I wrote a letter to Al Roker (a.k.a. Albert Lincoln “Al” Roker, Jr, weatherman extraordinaire for NBC Morning News).

Dear Mr. Roker:

Oh, meteorology legend among meteorologists.

Let’s not beat around the bush here because I’ve got no time to waste before I get slammed by the lion of March and my electricity goes off.  I need you to grab your friend March by the balls and bring him into submission because he is not doing his job.  March only has one job (as far as I’m concerned) and that is to usher in spring.  Not only is March causing me a lot of sickness and chaos, but my house and its shit have been inspired by its mayhem and gone into total rebellion against me.

I woke up the other night to a floor flooded by a dishwasher that is barely a year old (this dishwasher is a replacement for the previous one that leaked and flooded my house in March 2013).  I called the appliance hotline of which I have a five-year-extended-warranty and an operator answered the phone.  She sounded like she couldn’t have been more than sixteen years old.  Al, she had one job and only one job to do:  send me a qualified repairman who could properly diagnose my problem and set me free from malfunction hell. 

March One Job quoteko dot com

TWIT:    Hello!  This call may be monitored for quality control and/or training purposes.  How can I help you today? But before you answer that, may I have your name, appliance serial and model number, your address, the cross streets where your house is located, the name of the owner of the appliance, the name of the store where you purchased the appliance; if you have a warranty, what type of appliance is it, and what needs fixin’ today?  Also, please note that your warranty covers some things but not others. It does not cover improper use (such as for a business) or abusive use by owners.

ME:        Lady, my dishwasher just flooded my kitchen because the top rack may have come off its track and bumped up against the door.  Something is broken on the rack.  I need a new top rack.  Please send a qualified repairman ASAP!

TWIT:    I see. Looks like I need to order you the rack-pack hooks and gadgets for you to adjust your top rack again and fix it yourself.  Okeydokey?  Hold on.

ME:        Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  I’m not a dishwasher repairman, but I am holding pieces of the top rack in my hand while standing in ankle deep water which says to me that this might need some teensy-weensy help from a repairman who knows something about dishwashers.   I paid a warranty in the hundreds of dollars for you people to do your job when the time came. YOU’VE GOT ONE JOB—TO REPAIR SHIT!  Don’t send me a kit to do-it-myself—send me a repairman.

TWIT:    One moment Ma’am—I can see why not having a dishwasher could be upsetting.  Please wait a minute while I put you on hold.

ME:        Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  Goddamnit . . . You’ve only got one job—just do it!

Winter Escape Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune

Used by permission: The Minneapolis Star-Tribune

Anyway, Al Roker, I finally got the Twit to send me a repairman, but he arrived without a kit, and the following conversation ensued between said dishwasher repairman (DR) and me:

DR:         Ladee, I check ju dishwasher—nothin’ wrong wit it.   It maybe “user arrow.”  Most customa problem is dat.  Do ju know how to close door in right way? 

ME:        Do I look 16?  I’m old . . . I know how to use a dishwasher.  No, I did not accidentally leave the door open.

DR:         How ‘bout ju cuttin’ board—ju make mistake of placin’ it too close to door?  Company say dat if  customa break machine wit cuttin’ board—no warranty coverage for yu.  You pay everything from pocket! 

ME:        I have not now, nor have I ever broken an appliance.  Do you see the 50 pieces of plastic at the bottom of the dishwasher that look like an atom bomb went off inside?  Don’t you think that might have something to do with the flooding problem?

DR:         Noooo, dat jes garbage.  Do ju know to rinse plates befo’ loadin’?  Jes?  Okay, but I tell ju what.  I’ll change rubba lina to help ju out.  Maybe dat help—maybe dat won’t.  What you gonna do dees days?  Now sign computa pad wit ju finger dat rate my service (please choose “excellent” so I get company prize) and dat I answa all ju questions to satisfaction.

Mr. Roker, the dude had one job (like your friend March), and that was to fix my fucking dishwasher on the warranty that I’d already paid for.  Turns out that when another repairman from another company analyzed the situation, there were a multitude of parts that had melted off the top drawer of the dishwasher due to no fault of “user arrow,” and the drawer was knocking against the door causing the water to seep out all over the floor.  It took the repairman 45 minutes to repair the top rack with the “parts kit” that the customer service twit wanted to send me for a do-it-yourself project.   He determined that the liner never needed to be replaced as the first repairman suggested.

And I haven’t even told you about the printer dying, the garage door not opening, and the battery going on the car since I’ve been stuck in the house from this horrendous weather and sickness. 

On another subject entirely, Al, can I ask you a question?  While I have your attention (hope you don’t mind the self-promotion), did you know that I wrote a newly released book:  Monsters’ Throwdown (available on Amazon), and I just launched a website that might amuse and inspire you at www.eleanortomczyk.com?  Think you could give me a shout-out when you do the weather tomorrow?

Anyway, I look forward to your reply about the handling of your friend March.  I can’t take anymore incompetence.  I’m way too old for this shit.

Sincerely Yours!

Fed Up with winter—ET

Winter save Non Sequitur

Non Sequitur, Cartoonist: Wiley Miller

I am discovering that even as I type this post it has started to rain and the rain is turning to ice in my area.  My husband (WW) has stocked the house with food and alcohol and placed the candles and hurricane lamps all over the house.  We’ve planned an Oscar party for two, but I hear that the Oscars may be inundated with rain.  WW is sure his company will be closed tomorrow due to the snow and ice.

I got a text from Al Roker in response to my email.  It said:  “Grow a pair, Chica.  Rain helping end drought in CA.  Ukraine under attack by Putin.  Jim Crow anti-Gay legislation barely vetoed in Arizona but still being pushed in 5 other states.  Black Christians with a heart of love needed to stand with our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters against discrimination because we remember the signs not too long ago that said, ‘No Jews, No Niggers, No Dogs served here.’  More important things to worry about than a few feet of snow!”

Winter blow FB

“It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.”—Wayne Dyer

“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”—Robert Byrne

 “A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”― Carl Reiner

REFERENCES

http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/02/us/us-severe-weather/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on March 2, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

16 responses to “You Had ONE Job!

  1. becomingcliche

    March 2, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    70 degrees today. Calling for snow tomorrow. I will be hiding under my bed.

     
  2. imagesbytdashfield

    March 2, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    They over estimated the snow here and we only got around 4 inches and no ice unless the weather is going to go all ninja on us and sneak something more in…BETTER NOT!!! Love the ecard

     
  3. Elyse

    March 2, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    Snow at Christmas is fine. Otherwise, nah. Good luck with it. I see that the Federal guv’ment is already closed. Hopefully that will guarantee us a rainstorm!

     
  4. Hudson Howl

    March 2, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Smiling like an imbecile here. Fun fun, funny Eleanor. Perhaps the only way, if not the best way to deal with winter. Seems we all have to find ways to cope with winter, until they invent a safe reliable personal flame throwers for those of us who live in the northern hemisphere. There are those mornings , usually four out of seven, when the reflex is to stay in bed and zip-lock the sheets around me. I just wanna be a warm toasty bed sandwich. Unfortunately I suffer from ‘krazy canuck schizophrenia’ (not to be confused with the legitimate disorder of winter schizophrenia). KCS are those whom actually enjoy winter and refuse to listen to those inner common sense voices to move to a warmer climate. Truth be told, am actually just starting to get accustom the sub arctic temperatures. Yesterday when the KCS kicked in, Elvira an I went a two mile bush stomp. Had to break trail the whole way, seems I was the only idiot to venture in to the area since winter broke. At times I was hip deep in snow and ice. But it was worth it in the end. Getting out, working off the stink of winter. Fresh air. A fast frozen back to nature spiritual cleansing. I loved it. I know, I know not diva friendly at all.

    I’ve almost given up on getting broken shtuffs fixed by the so called ‘qualified’. More often then not the first thing out there mouth is ‘well it would be cheaper if you just bought new and I can help you with that’. To which I reply, I might as well attempt the repair myself. If I screw it up, then its new. An for the most part its worked out. “Why you need a new central vac” -wrong-oh, a drop of crazy glue on a electrical switch; five years later still working perfect. “Your engine is toast” -really. A quick google search to hit on the right forum to find others with the same problem; result, self diagnosed short to number four ejector -had vehicle towed to another garage an fixed for an hours’ labour. Some where along the line, we have become lambs being led to slaughter. I guess am luckier then some, my father seldom paid for anything to fixed, he did it himself. My mother the same.

    Again bravo for this masterpiece -shtufff does happen, but we’re tough, well make it to spring -won’t we? Won’t we? We will !

     
    • etomczyk

      March 12, 2014 at 10:37 am

      Calvin: I love your comments–they are like chicken soup for the soul (too bad that title is already taken or I would use it for a book). I can’t believe that you are inundated with snow. When does spring show up in your part of the world? June? 🙂 I wish I could like the snow–I really do, but I am a sun bunny through and through.

       
  5. Let's CUT the Crap!

    March 3, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Brrrr.
    Your posts are to live for. 😀 I like your style.

     
    • etomczyk

      March 12, 2014 at 10:33 am

      Tess: Thanks so much. You’re a dear heart.

       
      • Let's CUT the Crap!

        March 12, 2014 at 3:30 pm

        And you are fun to read. Keep smiling. Your pearly whites light up a room.

         
  6. talesfromthemotherland

    March 3, 2014 at 11:44 pm

    We have had THE strangest winter! Way too little snow in the mountains and none here… until last weekend, and now 2 snow storms. Our flowers were already up. Lordy… who woulda predicted? Not even Al.

     
    • etomczyk

      March 12, 2014 at 10:32 am

      Dawn: I just read your post and saw the beautiful pic of the crocus. I want to be where you are!

       
  7. Lindy Lee

    March 4, 2014 at 7:46 am

    Dishwasher dilemma, not a new problema. Have a completely spoiled dishwasher. All dishes are washed before the dishwasher is asked to washed them.

    As for the weather, really cold with heavy snow, doesn’t happen here, at least not yet. Fluctuating weather has always been troubling here but never this bad, changing, literally, from winter to summer & back again in one day, sometimes in one morning, afternoon or evening.

    Am taking your advice on monster prevention. Good job, ET, entertaining us & keeping us in the sense-of-humor department & out of the dregs of self pity…

     
    • etomczyk

      March 12, 2014 at 10:31 am

      Lindy Lee: First of all, I can’t remember if I thanked you for such a lovely review for my book Monsters’ Throwdown. If I did, please forgive me. I am burning the candle at both ends these days. Your comment was sheer poetry.

      Funny that you should mention fluctuation in weather because we are getting it today and it is the subject of my latest post. I have a theory . . .

      Thanks for your encouragement about taking my advice on monster prevention. It does work–I’m living proof.

      Finally, you haven’t posted a new poem in a while. Will that be changing soon? Take care.

       
      • Lindy Lee

        March 13, 2014 at 7:57 pm

        Waiting for my fickle Muses to come back around…

         
  8. Valentine Logar

    March 5, 2014 at 8:07 am

    I saw on the news this morning 54% of the US is below freezing and has snow, this is nearly unprecedented. I wondered what the ‘nearly’ meant. Maybe it had happened before? Like in the last Ice Age?

    I have a home warranty also, I go through the same thing with them. I hate them, but it is worth it if something really big breaks (air conditioners, furnace).

    Loved this one, get warm, stay warm. Maybe we should plan a trip to somewhere warm.

     
    • etomczyk

      March 12, 2014 at 10:26 am

      Val: Don’t those warranty fulfillments just drive you nuts? I’ve decided that no matter where we buy our appliances, they all use the same warranty center and thus we get the same recycled repairmen. As to getting somewhere warmer, I’m perusing the travel sites even as we speak.

       
      • Valentine Logar

        March 12, 2014 at 10:40 am

        Me too. I am thinking as soon as I land a ‘real’ job, I am putting a two week start date on it or alternatively stating I have a vacation planned for May and heading off, somewhere.

         

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