Do you know what I discovered about March this year? It had one job—albeit, a multilayered job description—and it has summarily blown it! March 1st was supposed to massage us out of freezing temperatures, making way for daylight savings time in two weeks, and opening the doors to the meteorological beginning of spring in the Northern Hemisphere, if Wikipedia is to be trusted. But right now 106 million people from coast to coast are awash in another arctic air blast which is pushing eastward. In my hometown, I am currently bracing for a “tenth of an inch of ice, topped by 8 to 12 inches of snow,” if The Washington Post is to be believed. Auuuugh!
Used by permission: John Cole, The Scranton Times-Tribune
I’m so freakin’ tired of this weather. I finally got rid of the sinus infection from Hell, but then my “crap” (my house and the shit in it) started auditioning for the “You Had One Job” reality TV show that I didn’t even know existed until last week. I’m so pissed that I wrote a letter to Al Roker (a.k.a. Albert Lincoln “Al” Roker, Jr, weatherman extraordinaire for NBC Morning News).
Dear Mr. Roker:
Oh, meteorology legend among meteorologists.
Let’s not beat around the bush here because I’ve got no time to waste before I get slammed by the lion of March and my electricity goes off. I need you to grab your friend March by the balls and bring him into submission because he is not doing his job. March only has one job (as far as I’m concerned) and that is to usher in spring. Not only is March causing me a lot of sickness and chaos, but my house and its shit have been inspired by its mayhem and gone into total rebellion against me.
I woke up the other night to a floor flooded by a dishwasher that is barely a year old (this dishwasher is a replacement for the previous one that leaked and flooded my house in March 2013). I called the appliance hotline of which I have a five-year-extended-warranty and an operator answered the phone. She sounded like she couldn’t have been more than sixteen years old. Al, she had one job and only one job to do: send me a qualified repairman who could properly diagnose my problem and set me free from malfunction hell.
TWIT: Hello! This call may be monitored for quality control and/or training purposes. How can I help you today? But before you answer that, may I have your name, appliance serial and model number, your address, the cross streets where your house is located, the name of the owner of the appliance, the name of the store where you purchased the appliance; if you have a warranty, what type of appliance is it, and what needs fixin’ today? Also, please note that your warranty covers some things but not others. It does not cover improper use (such as for a business) or abusive use by owners.
ME: Lady, my dishwasher just flooded my kitchen because the top rack may have come off its track and bumped up against the door. Something is broken on the rack. I need a new top rack. Please send a qualified repairman ASAP!
TWIT: I see. Looks like I need to order you the rack-pack hooks and gadgets for you to adjust your top rack again and fix it yourself. Okeydokey? Hold on.
ME: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I’m not a dishwasher repairman, but I am holding pieces of the top rack in my hand while standing in ankle deep water which says to me that this might need some teensy-weensy help from a repairman who knows something about dishwashers. I paid a warranty in the hundreds of dollars for you people to do your job when the time came. YOU’VE GOT ONE JOB—TO REPAIR SHIT! Don’t send me a kit to do-it-myself—send me a repairman.
TWIT: One moment Ma’am—I can see why not having a dishwasher could be upsetting. Please wait a minute while I put you on hold.
ME: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Goddamnit . . . You’ve only got one job—just do it!
Used by permission: The Minneapolis Star-Tribune
Anyway, Al Roker, I finally got the Twit to send me a repairman, but he arrived without a kit, and the following conversation ensued between said dishwasher repairman (DR) and me:
DR: Ladee, I check ju dishwasher—nothin’ wrong wit it. It maybe “user arrow.” Most customa problem is dat. Do ju know how to close door in right way?
ME: Do I look 16? I’m old . . . I know how to use a dishwasher. No, I did not accidentally leave the door open.
DR: How ‘bout ju cuttin’ board—ju make mistake of placin’ it too close to door? Company say dat if customa break machine wit cuttin’ board—no warranty coverage for yu. You pay everything from pocket!
ME: I have not now, nor have I ever broken an appliance. Do you see the 50 pieces of plastic at the bottom of the dishwasher that look like an atom bomb went off inside? Don’t you think that might have something to do with the flooding problem?
DR: Noooo, dat jes garbage. Do ju know to rinse plates befo’ loadin’? Jes? Okay, but I tell ju what. I’ll change rubba lina to help ju out. Maybe dat help—maybe dat won’t. What you gonna do dees days? Now sign computa pad wit ju finger dat rate my service (please choose “excellent” so I get company prize) and dat I answa all ju questions to satisfaction.
Mr. Roker, the dude had one job (like your friend March), and that was to fix my fucking dishwasher on the warranty that I’d already paid for. Turns out that when another repairman from another company analyzed the situation, there were a multitude of parts that had melted off the top drawer of the dishwasher due to no fault of “user arrow,” and the drawer was knocking against the door causing the water to seep out all over the floor. It took the repairman 45 minutes to repair the top rack with the “parts kit” that the customer service twit wanted to send me for a do-it-yourself project. He determined that the liner never needed to be replaced as the first repairman suggested.
And I haven’t even told you about the printer dying, the garage door not opening, and the battery going on the car since I’ve been stuck in the house from this horrendous weather and sickness.
On another subject entirely, Al, can I ask you a question? While I have your attention (hope you don’t mind the self-promotion), did you know that I wrote a newly released book: Monsters’ Throwdown (available on Amazon), and I just launched a website that might amuse and inspire you at www.eleanortomczyk.com? Think you could give me a shout-out when you do the weather tomorrow?
Anyway, I look forward to your reply about the handling of your friend March. I can’t take anymore incompetence. I’m way too old for this shit.
Fed Up with winter—ET
Non Sequitur, Cartoonist: Wiley Miller
I am discovering that even as I type this post it has started to rain and the rain is turning to ice in my area. My husband (WW) has stocked the house with food and alcohol and placed the candles and hurricane lamps all over the house. We’ve planned an Oscar party for two, but I hear that the Oscars may be inundated with rain. WW is sure his company will be closed tomorrow due to the snow and ice.
I got a text from Al Roker in response to my email. It said: “Grow a pair, Chica. Rain helping end drought in CA. Ukraine under attack by Putin. Jim Crow anti-Gay legislation barely vetoed in Arizona but still being pushed in 5 other states. Black Christians with a heart of love needed to stand with our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters against discrimination because we remember the signs not too long ago that said, ‘No Jews, No Niggers, No Dogs served here.’ More important things to worry about than a few feet of snow!”
“It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.”—Wayne Dyer
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”—Robert Byrne
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”― Carl Reiner
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