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Awkward!

31 Aug

Do you know what I’ve discovered?  The difference between embarrassment and awkwardness is only one degree of separation, and both words equal some level of mortification that indicates to the world that you’ve turned your ass out (exposed parts of you that you will someday regret having been brought to light).

Embarrassment:  feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.

Awkward:  causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience.

Miley no longer H Montana bish

Cartoonist: Randy Bish, Cagle Cartoons

Everybody is talking about Miley Cyrus’ performance on the VMA’s when the child made a calculated (moneyed) move to renounce her Disney character (Hannah Montana ) once and for all.   Strutting around in vinyl underwear that left her butt cheeks flapping in the wind, Miley frenetically simulated several sexual acts on stage while “twerking.”  Anybody over thirty-years old is making the Google search stats spike to the moon as they try and figure out what the hell is twerking!  (FYI—this old broad knew what twerking was because I tried it once and had a Charlie horse in my ass for a week!)

It has been reported that there were 300,000 tweets per minute right after the shaking of this skinny little white girl’s behind at the camera and up against Robin Thicke’s crotch.  I haven’t seen this much moral outrage since Madonna kissed Britney Spears at a VMA performance ten years ago.  Which brings me to my next point: outrageousness is how the VMA’s roll.  The question is never “if” someone will scandalize the viewers and humiliate the performers, the question is always “who” and “how.”

One of my kids was at the VMA’s and saw Miley’s performance, and the other kid saw it on TV.   Both of them woke me up early the next morning to make sure I caught it on YouTube because, as the daughter said who saw it live, “No matter how bad it looks on screen, it was even raunchier in person.”  Both the kids agreed—“this might make a good blog.”  I had no trouble finding copious clips of the now infamous performance; but I didn’t get bent out of shape by Miley’s cringe-worthy twerking as much as I did her naiveté.  So I wrote her a note—because that is how I roll.

Miley I Taylor Jones  Politicalcartoons com

Used by permission:  Taylor Jones Political cartoons.com

Miley Cyrus

20 We Can’t Stop Lane

Craziness, CA 

Hey Miley, Girl:

How’s it hangin’?  (Actually, I know how it’s hangin’—your ass is coming out the bottom of your drawers—but I was just saying a form of “how you doin’?”)  Now I know you got all sorts of people up in your grill about your performance at the VMA’s.  But I’m not here to judge you—just to warn you about some things up the road and around the bend that you can’t see from your vantage point of youth.

I have discovered in my old age that there are two kinds of humiliating events in life:  the kind you bring upon yourself and the kind the Universe throws at you.   Here’s the rub:  in an attempt to teach us humility, the awkward/embarrassing moments from the Universe that kick our asses on any given day are ten times as plentiful.  At least once a week, I’ll have flashbacks of the major fails that were totally out of my control, and I just slap my forehead in consternation as I relive the humiliation in my mind!

Double face palm

Forget the pratfalls, the menopausal malapropisms (look it up, Miley), and the inadvertent burps in the face of a listener when I’m talking to someone I don’t know, my fuck-ups range from miniscule to overwhelming and they are legendary.

There was the time in my oh-so-fancy-job on an executive floor of a major corporation that I pulled up a brand new office chair to take dictation from my boss, and the chair made the loudest fart sound known to man at the exact moment my ass made contact with it.  I swear to God that it wasn’t me!  My boss looked up, I looked down, and we both pretended that we didn’t hear what we thought we heard.  (Should I bring it up and tell The Boss-man that it was the fucking chair and not my ass?  Wouldn’t he think that I was trying to cover my ass [no pun intended]?  I was in torment as I tried to take dictation.)  I could see The Boss-man purposely ignoring the topic but trying not to laugh (BECAUSE HE THOUGHT MY ASS WAS TO BLAME).  I still do a double facepalm when I remember how I screeched:  “It was the chair, I swear—it was not my ass, Boss-man!”  To make matters worse, I don’t think he ever believed me that the chair set me up.

I’ve fallen into filthy water because the teenage boat captain at an amusement park was picking his nose and didn’t notice that one of my legs was on the dock and the other on the boat that was drifting away from the dock. 

I’ve done a Christina Aguilera and sung the Star Spangled Banner at a major event but got lost in the middle of the song, and I had to make up the lyrics.  Trust me:  “And the pockets that glare, the stars bursting so fair” does not cut it with most Americans—even the most clueless!

What I’m trying to tell you, Miley-baby, is that enough hurt will come your way on its own without you adding anymore with your wild and rebellious choices.  See, what you don’t know is that 15 – 20 years from now when you could care less about the persona of Miley Cyrus vs. Hannah Montana, your kids will be able to access your performance on the VMA’s (because of the Internet, this shit never goes away), and they will probably be most unforgiving.  Because, you see, kids hate to be embarrassed by their parents.  It’s the number one thing that a child finds hard to forgive a parent for.  I’m just grateful that there were no cell-phone cameras when I was in my 20’s or my kids wouldn’t be speaking to me today.  My drunken bare ass—running through the dorm—while I was being chased by guys and girls was not something that needed to go down in posterity—that’s for sure.

Anyway, I’m wishing you all the best, along with a healthy dose of common sense. 

Sincerely,

The Dalai Mama

P.S.  And stop the “Molly” shit, Miley-girl, if what I read about you and it is true.  That line in your new song, “We like to party, dancing with Molly” (I know your manager has since reworded the line to read “dancing with Miley”) may sound gangsta to you, but you are probably going to regret this dance with that drug, Baby.  Forewarned is forearmed, Miley-girl.

Miley Cyrus II David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

Used by permission:  David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star

I am discovering (as Miley was laughing all the way to the bank) that Miley’s management team, producers, family, and friends said her performance on the VMA’s couldn’t have gone better—it even went better than rehearsed.  Really?!  Maybe they are onto something then, and we ought to suggest that the President send Miley to Syria as a secret weapon.  Twerking her ass at Assad may be just what the doctor ordered to save the lives of thousands of innocent people.

Miley as a weapon against Syria Daryl Cagle CagleCartoons com

Used by Permission: Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons com

***

My most embarrassing moment was when I was a student at Tufts University and decided to go ‘streaking’ with a group of girls in the middle of January. Somehow I lost them and ended up being chased by the campus police.—Meredith Vieira

When I first started wearing wigs, I didn’t know you had to anchor them down with bobby pins. I walked out during a windy day and my wig blew off and got stuck to a branch. I was walking while my wig was hanging! If that’s not the most embarrassing thing… but you have to use bobby pins.”—Sherri Shepherd

I knew that people were going to talk about it, I knew it was embarrassing, and I knew it was a big deal. But did I think that it was going to be this thing that followed me for, you know, the next years to come? I guarantee you, 25 years from now, I’ll be known as the girl that lip synced on ‘SNL.’ But, you know, it was a weird thing. Not fun.—Ashlee Simpson

 “Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren’t completely embarrassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow’s embarrassment?”—Tom Cruise

REFERENCES:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/23/fashion/molly-pure-but-not-so-simple.html?pagewanted=all

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
20 Comments

Posted by on August 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

20 responses to “Awkward!

  1. georgefloreswrite

    August 31, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    Well said, Eleanor! Although I have no idea what Molly is! 🙂

     
    • etomczyk

      August 31, 2013 at 11:37 pm

      George, so good to see you round these parts again. I hope all is well with you. I’ll drop by you place once I get some sleep. Ciao!

       
  2. landendewit

    August 31, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    Reblogged this on Landen DeWit photography .

     
  3. Sylvester James LeBlanc

    September 1, 2013 at 12:13 am

    This was so hilarious and I needed a good laugh today. Please don’t stop writing. I love this so much!

     
    • etomczyk

      September 1, 2013 at 12:17 am

      Thanks Sylvester! Hope you’re doing well. This was fun to write and so glad it brought you laughter and joy. All the best.

       
  4. talesfromthemotherland

    September 1, 2013 at 2:14 am

    I always love your words E, but man, I have none of my own for that performance. Seriously, worse that all the others it’s been compared to— in my book. It was just gross. Well done, as always.

     
  5. composerinthegarden

    September 1, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Double face palm? I’m still laughing. Now I’m sorry I turned off the MTV awards during Lady Gaga’s “over the top” opening number – I’ve grown to hate the big production numbers long on gyrating dance moves and short on singing. Gee, I could have seen this bizarre performance in real time. Now that I’ve checked it out on YouTUbe, even Robin Thicke looked a little embarrassed by Miley 🙂 This only goes to confirm my growing dislike for the pop music culture of superstar excess stage shows. I recently watched historic TV footage of women singers from the 50’s and 60’s – they stood by the mic and sang, really sang, maybe a little dancing because they were groovin’ to the music, but it was really all about the song and the singing of it. I feel like I’m becoming an old-fashioned curmudgeon – thanks for reminding me of the humorous side of it, Eleanor 🙂

     
    • etomczyk

      September 9, 2013 at 8:00 pm

      Isn’t it the truth, Lynn. I loved it when groups could really sing and used that to grab the audience’s attention. I don’t give Robin Thicke a pass either. Apparently he was in on it and they rehearsed the entire thing. He should have known better. Yuck!

       
  6. Valentine Logar

    September 1, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    You know I love you, your very grown up advice to this poor child of Disney are dead on perfect. I think all the Disney girls somehow fight to lose their childhood images by going over the top. Miley is no different. Why, oh why can they not simply fade away with their millions?

    I am leaving this for you, I think you might appreciate it.

     
    • aFrankAngle

      September 3, 2013 at 8:12 am

      Great find Val!!!!

       
    • etomczyk

      September 9, 2013 at 8:11 pm

      Val. This was great! I thought it was going to teach the viewer how to twerk and when it turned and surprised me, I loved it! Thanks so much. This was priceless. 🙂

       
  7. becomingcliche

    September 1, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    I had a talk about this with my 16 year old daughter the other day. We all screw up and do embarrassing things that seem like a good idea at the time. Miley was unfortunate enough to make her mistake in front of millions of her closest friends. There but for the grace of God go I, except that I’ve never had a moneymaker worth shaking. I do hope Miley reads your post. She needs someone to talk some sense to her.

     
    • etomczyk

      September 9, 2013 at 8:18 pm

      So glad you used this Miley situation as a learning tool with your 16-year-old. I wish every parent had done that. Maybe Miley would have gotten the rebuke from her fans that she needs and would change her act. But alas, as long as the money keeps on rolling in, she’ll keep on acting out. Sigh!

       
  8. Elyse

    September 2, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    I’m really looking forward to the time when I can turn on the TV or log onto the news when I won’t see Miley’s ass or tongue.

    That said, your advice was right on. Perhaps, though, you need to give it to Disney & Co. Because all their kids come out and get totally screwed up (e.g. Lindsay Lohan). They need to figure out how Emma Watson went from a child star to a grown up star without having to publicly (pubicly) shame herself for life.

     
    • etomczyk

      September 9, 2013 at 8:39 pm

      You’re right, Elyse. I think Disney sets these poor kids up. I hate what they do to these children. The only kids who seem to survive are the ones that leave the biz altogether.

       
      • Elyse

        September 9, 2013 at 8:56 pm

        It does make you wonder about the whole Disney Princess schtick, doesn’t it. Not that I haven’t been worried since every girl under 20 became a princess …

         
  9. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer

    September 2, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Can we just ignore these pathetic people and deny them their fame for infamous behavior?
    We are as sad as they are for buying into their pranks and talking about them. You know what they say: “Say anything you want about me; just spell my name right~”

     
  10. aFrankAngle

    September 3, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Dalia Mama tellin’ it like it is, and Miley is not a listenin’ because yep – she’s laughing all the way to the bank – which was her purpose. Mission accomplished from her perspective …. but from ours, nah baby nah.

     
    • etomczyk

      September 9, 2013 at 8:30 pm

      Frank, you’re so right!

       

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