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Honey Boo-Boo Child—My Worst Nightmare

29 Sep

Do you know what I’ve discovered as a Dalai Mama who has seen just about everything in life and few things in this world have the ability to leave me speechless?   There is such a thing in our entertainment bandwidth called “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo,” and it damn sure has left me speechless!  Apparently, everybody knew about this show except me, which I found quite by accident when the downstairs TV broke last week during a thunderstorm when my husband was out of town, and I needed something to calm my nerves.  Oh God—MY EYES/MY EARS—I may never be the same again and my nerves are truly shot!

Honey Boo-Boo Child (Alana Thompson) and Momma (June)|Image from knowyourmeme.com

The star, Honey Boo Boo (Alana Thompson), is an extremely precocious six-year-old who talks like a sassy black drag queen (THINK: pint-sized RuPaul) and is part of a redneck reality show along with her family (mother June, dad Sugar Bear, sisters Pumpkin [12], Chubbs [15], and Chickadee [17]) on TLC that is a spin-off from Toddlers and Tiaras (a truly gross nightmare that I can’t bear to watch no matter how desperate I am for entertainment).   Honey Boo-Boo’s family is a train wreck from country Hell, and they punctuate their family comedy with unintelligible sentences laced with a chorus of farts, belches, and Honey Boo Boo aphorisms (“When my belly hurts, it’s usually gas, or too many chicken nuggets.”) as the rest of us look on with a mixture of horror and fascination as if viewing a multi-car train collision.  No matter how hard you try, you can’t tear yourself away from staring at the carnage that is washed down with a chaser of Honey Boo Boo’s “go-go juice” (a mixture of Mountain Dew and Red Bull).  In fact, I watched so many episodes of the Honey Boo-Boo marathon that night that I came away with something of a dazed affection for Honey Boo Boo (I found her to be genuinely funny, guileless, and kind of adorable), but, then again, I might have Stockholm Syndrome.  Although I liked the Boo-Boo Child, I had judgmental feelings of snarky disdain for her mother who has had four children by four different men (she never married them) and suffered palatable horror that a mother would expose her children to international ridicule (reporters from as far as the UK have been seen snooping around and snapping pictures of the family when they were unaware).

Honey Boo Boo’s Mom (June Shannon)|image from thefw.com

I couldn’t get the Honey Boo Boo voices out of my head, so I became addicted—looking for my fix of Honey Boo-Boo episodes to satiate my mocking appetite as I kept trying to remind myself that “God doesn’t like ugly (meaning me!).”   As I feverishly hunted for more and more Honey Boo-Boo shows, the family’s barely intelligible quotes kept seducing me as I tried to ignore the Honey Boo Boo family voices assailing my mind like flies attacking fresh roadkill:

Sugar Bear is my baby’s daddy. That’s Alana’s dad. And we’ve been shack ‘em up mates for like, eight years now (Mama June).”

“Please, women of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All the vajingle jangle  (vagina?) is not beautimous. As you can tell, I got some of my vajingle jangle cleaned up . . . I don’t straddle things very well (straddling her husband, Sugar Bear?).”

“My mother had told me in the past that if you fart 12-15 times a day, you can lose a little weight, so I think I’ll lose a lot of weight because I’m going to fart a lot (older child starting a diet—Chubbs).”

“My gay uncle is poodle. That’s why we call him a poodle because he has a little fruit in his tank. He’s got grapes in his tank (Honey Boo Boo talking about her father’s brother and her pageant coach).”

“A dolla make me holla, honey boo boo child (Honey Boo Boo upon winning toddler pageant money)!”

And then in the middle of the night, I knew what it was that the Dalai Mama had to say about all this reality show craziness, but it needed to be said to all of the shows whose parents had pimped their children out to be gawked at by the masses (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, the “ever-so-pious” [barf] Duggars and their 19 [20?] kids, the Kate Plus Eight gang, the Octomom clan, and Dance Moms, to name a few):  “Your kids are going to open up a can of whup-ass when they are around 16 or so (propably sooner for Honey Boo Boo) and cause a world of hurt on your misguided behinds, because there will be no place to run and nowhere to hide from the overexposure and mocking ridicule you have subjected them to.”

Since every kid in every region, in every land, and every race hits an age where they think their parents are the stupidest creatures on Earth, reality show parents are really going to be in for a rude awakening when the kids end up hating them for putting their shit all out in the street.  Honey Boo Boo may be precocious and having a good time now, but wait until she figures out a few things in life and then hates Mama June and Sugar Bear for ever allowing her to be born.

EVIDENCE THAT A WHUP-ASS CAN OF TEENAGE SCORN IS COMING DOWN THE PIKE LIKE A TORNADO TOWARD REALITY PARENTS:

1.  When your kid decides you are the stupidest person on the face of the Earth and everything you did pertaining to raising them was butt-shit crazy even though it seemed like a good idea at the time given the circumstances!

2.  As Alan Bennett says, “Children always assume the sexual lives of their parents come to a grinding halt at their conception.”  So Mama June, you not being able to “straddle Sugar Bear” because you’re too fat is filed in Honey Boo-Boo’s future teenage disdainful brain in the folder “TMI, TMI, EEUUEW!”  And you Mr. and Mrs. Duggar from “Meet The Duggars”: The fact that you have 19 kids and counting is not God’s will, it’s a freak show because you must be the horniest man on the face of the Earth, Mr. Duggar; and Mrs. Duggar, you haven’t figured out that your muffin (or “moonpie” as Mama June calls it) is a VAGINA, not a clown car!   

image from sexuality4theageless.wordpress.com

3.  Mama June, the kids stop appreciating your fart jokes around about the time you can no longer control the frequency of your farts or the noxious smell of them, so the fact that your show’s entry song is punctuated with a fart sound tract will come back to bite you in the butt (pun intended) sooner than later.

Image from joanhascheezeburger.com

4.  At some point, Mama June, just stop breathing because your very voice will begin to grate on Honey Boo Boo’s nerves.  I promise that it will get better when she is in her late 20’s/early 30’s.  Once she finds out how hard life truly is, you’ll rise like Phoenix up from the ashes (uh, maybe not if you keep farting on camera and trying to hog Honey Boo Boo’s spotlight), but until then try not to lose your mind and keep your redneck opinions on the down-low.

Stewie’s T-Shirt (“Family Guy”)|Image from merchandisingplaza.us

As the Dalai Mama (a mother who has seen it all and been through it all), I am discovering that no parent has it all together and since I know that parenting is one of the hardest things a human can ever attempt, I am also cognizant of the fact that I can’t really judge any parent for very long because but by the grace of God go I.  (Even if you think you did a bang-up job, you really won’t know the verdict until your children go the distance in their lives and reach the end without turning into your worst nightmare.)  Because of this reality, I have a few issues with God which I plan to have a little chat with him about as soon as I see him face-to-face.   Why is it that any ol’ person is allowed to have kids at any ol’ time just because they got horny on any ol’ given day?   Why don’t their twigs and berries and their “vajingle jangles” just “dry up” and “snap shut when they are unsuitable to be parents?”  And why, when these “reality” parents end up on TV, why aren’t they more like Claire and Cliff Huxtable—the perfect “unreality” TV parents (educated, rich, well-behaved, and immensely talented)?  A little unreality God, is that too much to ask in this life?

The Huxtables—America’s Favorite TV Family|image from myfellowamerican.tv

“To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.”—Dave Barry

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.”

Philip Larkin

 “Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.”—Oscar Wilde

“God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. And so, they moved to the east of Eden, which was still the good part of town, and they had your typical suburban family: a couple of dim-witted boys.”Bill Cosby

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
32 Comments

Posted by on September 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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32 responses to “Honey Boo-Boo Child—My Worst Nightmare

  1. composerinthegarden

    September 30, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Oh Eleanor, it was just a matter of time; I should have seen this coming! I avoid this stuff like the plague, but still, you made me laugh out loud (and feel a little sad for those kids). Another great post!

     
    • etomczyk

      September 30, 2012 at 12:13 am

      Hi Lynn. What are you doing up so late? I actually had no idea that this TV show existed because the only reality TV show I watch is “So You Think You Can Dance.” In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything on that TLC channel (ironically titled The Learning Channel). I vascilated from “shame” that I was watching the show with such visceral disdain and “horror” that I couldn’t seem to turn away. Yikes. I need to go read War and Peace or see Les Miserables again. Thanks for stopping by–as always.

       
      • composerinthegarden

        September 30, 2012 at 12:26 am

        We went to see Stanley Clarke at a late gig – I’m still chilling out from all of that musical excitement! It does seem ironic the the only thing one can learn on The Learning Channel is what not to do with your life. Step away from the channel, Eleanor! Or use it for more great blog material 🙂

         
  2. becomingcliche

    September 30, 2012 at 12:23 am

    I watched Honey Boo Boo a few weeks ago when the family was on vacation and was reminded of why we don’t have cable. I was disappointed in the producers. They know what light they want to portray the family in, and they set them up for all kinds of stuff. It’s not reality TV, it’s what producers conceive redneck families to be like. I wonder if the parents are not smart enough to realize they are being made fun of by the creators of the show, or if they are savvy to make what money they can from the whole situation.

    The episode I watched had an etiquette coach, and the whole thing smacked of set-up to me, from the prim expression on the coaches face to the middle child blowing her nose on a napkin. *sigh* How sad is it that this kind of show is what people seem to want?

     
    • etomczyk

      September 30, 2012 at 5:01 pm

      BC: Not to mention that the family thinks they are rolling in the dough now (Honey Boo Boo gets $2,000/episode as compared to Kim Kardashian who gets a gazillion dollars), while their lives are being used as entertainment fodder. I think one of the producers said how nice it was to work with people who didn’t have lawyers and agents to demand salary levels, etc. But you know what, if we didn’t watch it, the producers couldn’t get advertisers for it, so I for one, will not be viewing it again. And you’re right, so many of the episodes seemed to be contrived. Thanks so much for commenting.

       
      • becomingcliche

        October 1, 2012 at 6:58 am

        Now I kind of wish they had lawyers and agents!

         
  3. talesfromthemotherland

    September 30, 2012 at 1:09 am

    Daaaamn! I’ve been resisting watching this. I’ve totally not given in, and somehow just knowing that you saw it Dalai Mama, makes me want to watch it more… not less! I should just read this post and be sure that I’ve made the right decision, but now I’m sooo tempted. Indeed a train wreck: you hear it coming, how can you resist looking? Sad,sad, sad that this is what it’s all come to, but the there are entire networks full of this poison. Ratings are thru’ the roof, and they’re making a fortune… and that’s no joke. Any book I sell? probably not crazy enough. Sigh, indeed. :-p

    By the way: the History channel, yes the history channel, is loaded with this stuff! Doomsday Prep, Pawn stars, Mud fishing… it’s all there, on the HISTORY channel! I wrote about this a few months ago, when I found myself equally blown away. Oh Honey, we got a big boo boo here.

     
    • etomczyk

      September 30, 2012 at 5:49 pm

      Dawn: I was thinking the same thing about this Honey Boo-Boo fame and my own writing. If I were a freak show, I’m sure I’d have a publisher by now. But alas, I survived my freak life and came out halfway sane. But publishers and producers want to see “roadkill” and each kill has to be freakier than the one before. Sigh! I should have just read a book but my eyes were exhausted from doing research. I just wanted to zone out, but unfortunately, I got slimmed! Thanks for stopping by and leaving such an engaging comment. All the best.

       
      • talesfromthemotherland

        October 1, 2012 at 12:49 am

        I’ve resisted one more day, but I just know I’m gonna watch one Honey episode. Look at this way, I am doing research on pop-culture. Nothing more. 😉

         
      • etomczyk

        October 1, 2012 at 7:15 pm

        Dawn: I can feel your resistance giving way. . .(just remember: forewarned is forearmed 🙂 )

         
      • talesfromthemotherland

        October 1, 2012 at 7:19 pm

        If I get a Boo Boo, I’ll have only myself to blame…

         
  4. Valentine Logar

    September 30, 2012 at 6:23 am

    I am so sorry you got sucked in. I refuse to be sucked in to any reality show, they are all death. Honey Boo Boo, “I holla for a dolla”, really they are raising a stripper on national television. When will they install a stripper pole so she can practice.

    Gad. First it is Kate and Jon, then it is 19 and Counting, then it is the Kardasians, then the Wifes of rich men, now Honey Boo Boo.

    When does it stop?

    You make me laugh though, thanks

     
    • etomczyk

      September 30, 2012 at 6:09 pm

      Val. You’re right; I should not have gotten sucked in but it was a perfect storm: a thunderstorm (which freaks me out), home alone, eyes blood-shot from reading research materials, stress headache, limited TV channel access, and mental overload. Sigh! Also, I wondered what the enterpretation of “I holla for a dolla” meant. Yikes! That poor child. I must say that when it was all over, my headache was gone, I was no longer frightened by the storm, and I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.

      Thanks for commenting and joining in on the general scandalization of it all!

       
  5. momshieb

    September 30, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Hi, Eleanor!
    As usual, you’ve managed to say what a bunch of us have been thinking!
    I had a bout of the flu last week, and got sucked into some truly horrendous TV (people catching catfish by hand in huge mud holes? “My Bizarre Addiction”?). I managed to hold on and avoid “Honey Boo-Boo” and now I’m so glad I did!
    On the other hand, my husband is a psychologist; people like this are his bread and butter!
    Hope you can watch a great old movie today. How about “The American President”?

     
  6. julesagray

    September 30, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Imagine the smell. That’s all I can really say here. The celebration of mediocrity in this country has got to stop. The kardashians are considered high-society and stars. Really? I weep for the future.

     
  7. Sondra Smith

    September 30, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    I had never heard of honey boo boo….how have I missed this one! Could these shows be a representation of what has become of our society??? Or maybe they make us feel better about what is going on in our own lives. We peek through the curtains and watch the neighbors and somehow we feel that we are not so bad after all. Another great blog!

     
    • etomczyk

      October 1, 2012 at 7:13 pm

      Sondra. It’s probably because you don’t have cable. Cable opens up a whole world of weirdness. I’m still in shock! Thanks for commentng, my friend.

       
  8. Dienna

    September 30, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    I’ve heard about this show, and it’s yet another reality show that I avoid. Yes, it once again leaves me out of the loop during the watercooler talk at the office, but I am just not interested in being exposed to this kind of stupidity.

    And the mother looks like Mimi from “The Drew Carey Show” in that first photo.

     
  9. aFrankAngle

    October 1, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Lynn’s words express my feeling about this show and others like it. Heck, I didn’t even know that Honey Boo Boo existed until several months ago when I saw her in an interview. None the less, the Dalai Mama made me laugh.

    Off topic – there are a few things in here for you. http://afrankangle.wordpress.com/2012/09/27/opinions-in-the-shorts-vol-156/

     
  10. imagesbytdashfield

    October 1, 2012 at 8:54 am

    I saw a nano second clip of this hot mess and switched channels faster than the speed of light (or in this case the speed of OH HELL NO!); I had to save what few brain cells I’m still nurturing. These unfreakingreallyjackedup reality shows have got to go! They are now scraping not the bottom of the barrel but the underside of it. More than likely the wrath of these kids will come upon their parents when the gravy train dries up. Then again there are “I used to be a…..” reality shows they can segue into. UGH

     
    • etomczyk

      October 1, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      TD: I am still in a state of shock! I like the little girl, but it will only be a matter of time before she won’t be able to hold up under the rejection of that pageant circus and the emotional ramifications will be devastating. But the real point is that all of these reality shows are travesties. Next time, I’m going to look for endless reruns of “The Big Bang Theory” and settle down for a night of intelligent laughter. Tale care.

       
  11. SocietyRed

    October 1, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    Eleanor, thank you for this post and the warning it contains. I’m glad I haven’t stumbled into this awful mess. This just sounds wrong in so many ways. I have no idea why shows like this exist or who 1) thought they were a good idea, and 2) think they are good entertainment. Electroshock therapy should be provided for both, clearly something is off…

     
  12. carlos cordero

    October 1, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    Dalai Mama, this has got to be one of the craziest blogs so far. I’m looking for the show but can’t find it. You are hilarious.

    Malecho 2012

     
    • etomczyk

      October 2, 2012 at 8:27 pm

      Hi Carlos. Glad you enjoyed this post. It seems to have struck a nerve with a lot of people. Keep searching and you’ll find the show, unfortnately. I heard today that the entire Honey Boo Boo clan got a raise and have been picked up for another season so they will (unfortunately) be everywhere. Cheers!

       
  13. thesavvysenorita

    October 2, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Eleanor, thank you for ‘opening’ my mind to this ghastly show! However, it is a double edged sword as now I must locate this on the net! I can empathise with your sentiment of needing to watch more episodes, it is like that with such programmes! I am now filled with a morbid curiosity to watch too, regardless of how peculiar they are! I’d say it is far from a reality show, but sadly this is reality for some people. Exploitation for entertainment obviously never fails to attract an audience, and I wonder if that ‘family’ even realise they are being mocked just to make money for someone? Will Honey Boo Boo ever discover what a whacked Mother she has, maybe not if that is all she will ever know. Poor little girl.

     
    • etomczyk

      October 2, 2012 at 8:30 pm

      Becca: I know what you mean. But I try to stay away just on principle. I do think Honey Boo Boo will discover how whacked her mother is and I think she will grow to hate her while all the time becoming just like her unless something breaks the cicle. Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a great comment. All the best.

       
      • thesavvysenorita

        October 3, 2012 at 4:01 pm

        Hi Eleanor, thanks for the reply. I agree with he breaking the circle! Poor little girl. Thanks again, all the best to you also!

         
  14. linda west

    October 18, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    I cannot believe what gets on TV these days, an obese mom and daughter, can’t figure out which one is more stupid than the other, what a shame. No education or talent.

     
    • etomczyk

      October 18, 2012 at 11:47 pm

      Hi Linda. It is weird what gets on TV but I think it is only what the market will bear. If the public didn’t watch it, advertisers wouldn’t support it, and the shows wouldn’t stay on the air more than a nano-second. It is the same with everything that is rancid in our culture.

      I actually think the little girl might have talent and an inate comedic timing, but by the time all that encouraged misbehavior takes it toll, there won’t be anything left to positively foster and build upon when she is older.

      Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Hope you sample some more of my stories. Cheers!

       
  15. Sarah

    October 26, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    I must be living under a rock as well. I don’t have cable and only heard of this show a few weeks ago. Actually, I just kept seeing online references to “Honey Boo Boo” and decided to google it and see what it was. I watched an episode on youtube… and cringed through the entire thing. Shudder. I feel so sorry for this little girl on so many levels. She’s obviously mirroring her mother’s (or someone’s) atrocious behavior, and being encouraged. One day she’s going to grow up and have to look back at and live with having been made a laughing stock. She’s being exploited, by both her mother and whatever network airs this “show.” The husband(?) / father looks positively mortified, humiliated and emasculated. Or at least he did in the episode I saw. I cringe to think that this is what the rest of the world thinks of us. I would like to be able to catch this show on TV a few times…only to see who the commercial sponsors of it are, so that I can NEVER buy their products—because they’re exploiting her too.

     
    • etomczyk

      October 27, 2012 at 12:28 am

      Sarah, believe it or not, this is on TLC (The Learning Channel)! The irony is just too absurd to be real. The show is in hiatus and is gearing up for big Halloween, T-day, and Christmas specials. You won’t be able to miss the ads for it. I can guarantee you that I’ve seen enough to last me a lifetime. If I see another one, I’m going to have to need therapy.

       
      • Sarah

        October 27, 2012 at 11:35 am

        Maybe we’re supposed to “learn” how NOT to behave? LOL!

         

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