Up, Up, and Away. . .

03 May

Do you know what I’ve discovered?  Big Mama is exhausted and she’s beginning to develop a teeny, weeny bit of an ungrateful ‘tude about life in general and her blessings in particular.  So she’s decided to get away for a short break with her man, WW, and her “Coupmance” friends (see previous story titled “Coupmance Tango” for full definition) and soar above the Earth with other balloonists to let all her worries and agitations shake themselves out of her head and heart as she sings Florence and the Machine’s hit (Shake It Out) at the top of her lungs.

SHAKE IT OUT (chorus)

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

 Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

 And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

 So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart

 So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

 Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

 It’s always darkest before the dawn

Big Mama promises she’ll be in a better mood when she returns.  (Also, if she survives, you just know that the concept of her chubby menopausal ass in a hot air balloon is blog fodder for years to come!)

Hot Air Balloon Festival||

In the meantime, while she’s gone don’t do anything she wouldn’t do, especially regarding relationships.  And in case you can’t figure out what that is and this particular balloon ride is the day she ends up singing with Jesus, she’s left you a few tips with the house sitters and the guards at the gates:

DON’T . . .

get involved with any “coupmance” (couple to couple friends) until you’ve read:

“Couple Seeks Other Couple” by Ann Bauer at her blog because, forget what I said last week—the problem just might be you!

Newly Married||Google Image

DON’T . . .

make your friends (“coupmance” or otherwise) a meal from one of the 8 most bizarre cookbooks, no matter what fancy chef from the Food Network tells you that the insects are an alternative food source to animal protein—not a good way to win friends and influence relationships.

Yes, THOSE ARE REAL WORMS you’re looking at!

Photo:||”The Insect Cookbook”

“(The Insect Cookbook) includes recipes for dishes such as chocolate muffins with worms and grasshopper pie, and argues that insects are a valuable source or protein at a time when livestock production is nearing its limit.” By Daniel Lefferts for Bookish from 8 Most Bizarre Cookbooks/

DON’T . . .

get involved with a dentist and then break up with him or her two days before you need to see them for a horrendous toothache, and never, ever expect them to remain professional or give a shit about what the outcome will be.

Toothless Old Man/Google Image

Relationship News from Poland last week via the Daily Mail

A scorned dentist (Anna Mackowiak) may just end up in jail for allegedly pulling every single tooth out of the mouth of her nasty-ass boyfriend who had broken up with her two days before his dental visit.

Scorned Dentist:  “I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions.  But when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a bastard.’”

(Under the banner of “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” the dentist allegedly knocked the ex-boyfriend out with anesthesia, locked the door, extracted 32 teeth, and wrapped his entire mouth in gauze so that “toothless dumb-ass” wouldn’t notice he was going to be eating strained baby food for the rest of his life until he got home.)

The Idiot Boyfriend:  “. . . when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t fuckin’ believe it.  The bitch had emptied my mouth.”

(Big Mama thinks girlfriend should have gone for a balloon ride and screamed “Shake it Out” to the heavens and forgotten about the likes of the now “toothless wonder” boyfriend (obviously, he doesn’t have the sense he was born with)!  Now she’s gonna’ end up in jail for a crime of passion while he runs free—toothless—but free.)

DON’T . . .

hook up with Simon Cowell while Big Mama’s gone.  You need to know that even if Big Mama was still “hot” like back in the day, she wouldn’t let that nasty-ass Simon tap her jelly—ever!

Alicia Douvall and Simon Cowell (AP photo)

“A former lover of Simon Cowell (Alicia Douvall) told The Sun that Cowell was an insatiable lover who ‘kept her up all night,’ but the downside was that he allegedly ‘analyzed my performance just like a judge on TV, and say how there could be an improvement next time.’”—THE WEEK

Hmmm . . . seems like we could all do better than this, ladies, even if the dude does have more money than God.  This type of “usury” can’t be worth it.  Better to be single and cuddle up with a good book and a puppy than to put up with this poser of a “good man.”

DO . . .

stay away from these relationship pitfalls and you should be pretty safe for the week.  Until then . . . here “moi” (Big Mama) goes up, up and away in my beautiful balloon!   Big Mama says:  Keep on believin’, Babies!

The Author||eltomczyk

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


Posted by on May 3, 2012 in Uncategorized


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23 responses to “Up, Up, and Away. . .

  1. amanda

    May 3, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    Have fun!

    • etomczyk

      May 4, 2012 at 7:39 am

      Thanks Amanda. See you soon for a celebration worth its weight in gold. 🙂

  2. Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife

    May 4, 2012 at 2:38 am

    Yes, but Simon bought his last two serious relationships big ole houses! Lol

    • etomczyk

      May 4, 2012 at 7:56 am

      Tammy: I know which makes me think Miss Thang with the plastic pillow tops is another woman scorned and probably selling her stories about him. That doesn’t make him a nice person in my book, but she doesn’t get my sympathy either. Thanks for stopping by for a “laugh.” Keep on making us all laugh. Cheers!

      • Tammy @ LaughingAtEverydayLife

        May 4, 2012 at 9:37 am

        I’m thinking he bought the houses for them since he realizes he is a jerk and what they put up with. Lol

      • etomczyk

        May 4, 2012 at 9:40 am

        Tammy, you’ve got that right! Yuck!!

  3. Cdn Stormlover

    May 4, 2012 at 6:36 am

    Love this! Thanks for the laugh. Looking forward to hearing about the balloon ride 😉

    • etomczyk

      May 4, 2012 at 8:05 am

      Thanks Stormlover. Will do. Let’s hope it’s not too adventuresome. I tend to be the chocolate Lucille Ball and experiencing her antics in real life can be wild and hair raising. Cheers!

  4. composerinthegarden

    May 4, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Enjoy the flight, sounds wonderful! And the weird sound you may notice while aloft is my laughter over this post echoing through the ether 🙂

    • etomczyk

      May 4, 2012 at 9:19 am

      Thanks Lynn. I’m hoping to step into that liminal space you spoke about in your blog piece this week. I sure could use it. All the best and thanks for one of the best blogs I’ve read in awhile.

  5. aFrankAngle

    May 4, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Great advice E-Tom. Meanwhile, enjoy!

    • etomczyk

      May 4, 2012 at 9:21 am

      Oh, Frank, you’re the best! This is sooooo awesome. I can hardly wait. Have a great weekend. ET

      • aFrankAngle

        May 4, 2012 at 9:25 am

        🙂 .. and I almost gave you this one … oh .. I just did.

      • etomczyk

        May 4, 2012 at 9:31 am

        Frank, thanks for settling a discussion between WW and me. We’re getting so old we couldn’t remember who sang this song. Of course, it was the Fifth Dimension–who else could it have been! What a treat. Take care.

      • aFrankAngle

        May 4, 2012 at 9:37 am

        And I’m sure you were a singin’ along!

      • etomczyk

        May 4, 2012 at 9:40 am

        Frank, I was. . .we both were! WW and I met auditioning for a play some 40 years ago, and we still burst into song together whenever we can. Your balloon video gift was perfect because it provided the words our brains no longer retain!

  6. imagesbytdashfield

    May 4, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Tap your jelly? I’m done! LOL LOL LOL Yeah, we were just discussing how to achieve a “coupmance” friendship. Still haven’t figured it out yet. Enjoy your break, will miss you, and don’t show up on the news as missing or having gone splat.

    • etomczyk

      May 4, 2012 at 9:24 am

      TD: Oh God, I wish we lived near each other. You make me erupt in laughter everytime you leave me a comment. I would love to share a cup of coffee and chuckle face to face at the concept of me having my jelly tapped and “having gone splat.” What a hoot! I’m making WW take lots of pictures. Hopefully, tales will ensue.

  7. becomingcliche

    May 4, 2012 at 9:59 am

    I’m taking your relationship advice. My husband will be sleeping in the yard until you return. He says he hopes have a good time. And that you hurry.

    • etomczyk

      May 7, 2012 at 8:10 pm

      BC: I have returned. Please let your precious husband back into the house, and tell him for me that this was an unfortunate consequence of my relationship advice. I’ll try and do better next time. 🙂

  8. Maggie

    May 5, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    This blog made me laugh so hard and in the middle of a horrible bout with stomach flu, that wasn’t easy. We have been blessed with some amazing “couple” relationships through the years, and then there are those who we see every week at church, who decided they wanted to be our best friends, and we, not wanting to hurt their feelings, got sucked into some disturbing times. But now that I am getting older, I can: 1, not answer the phone, 2. run the other way at church or in the store when I see them, 3. STOP feeling like I have to accept every invitation for dinner and 4. Learn to cherish the relationships we love and move on from the rest. I can’t wait to hear about the “balloon ride”! All the years I lived in NM and went to those balloon festivals, I NEVER wanted to ride in one. It’s not on my bucket list and I think you are very brave!! You two have fun, you always do!! Maggie

  9. CeeCee

    October 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Well, Mz. Thang, I rarely have enjoyed research so thoroughly that fellow employees have stopped in my office to see what all the chuckling and laughter was all about. While researching places to go in Orange, VA (yes, I actually PLAN to go there … Monte Carlo is miserable at this time of year), I found your blog. From your entry on Honey Boo boo (which had me laughing out loud … really … not just those little “lol” things, but outright guffaws totally inappropriate toa lady of my gentility and years) to your winery misadventure and your stay at the Inn at Willow Grove, your turn of phrase, sense of humor and ability to find the fun in just about any damned thing just captivated me. (You think I need to get out more often?) You ARE the “Dalai Mama” and the “Divine Mz. T” in my book. And I soooo despeartely need to know how you managed to restrain yourself during Mitten’s speech … my pasty, uber-conservative, “holier-than-thou,” “Bible-thumping, but don’t ASK me to forgive ANYone for ANY damned thing” Yankee family would be ever so grateful. I’ve no clue how often you post here, but I’ll be checkin’ up on you, Ladybug! Can’t wait for the next installment!

    • etomczyk

      October 3, 2012 at 6:33 pm

      Ce-Ce. So glad you found my blog, albeit, in a convoluted way. Hope you do get a chance to go to the Willow Grove Inn–it is just exquisite! When you go, please tell them that you heard about their inn on my blog. Thanks so much for your lovely comments. I greatly appreciate your kind words. I post once a week–usually between Thursday and Saturday. It just depends on my travel schedule and work load during the week.

      Please feel free to subscribe to my blog and like me on Facebook if you are so inclined.

      All the best. Eleanor


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