Do you know what I’ve discovered? There is a God because every once and awhile the shit hits the fan against the enemies of our souls and we are vindicated. Most bullying situations in life don’t have a Hollywood ending, but every now and then, karma has a way of circling back and biting the bully in the ass, and to that we—the bullied—cry “OO-YAH”!
At my moonlighting job as an advice columnist, “Big Mama Speaks,” I received several letters of interest this week from bullies, their bullying relatives, and innocent observers of bullying. I’d like to share with my readers a sampling of some of the letters along with my answers which illustrate the “payback is a bitch” principle when it comes to being a bully, and that the best revenge against a bully, of any type, is “living well.”
BIG MAMA SPEAKS!
Osama bin Laden’s hideaway being demolished/AP Image
Aasalaamu Aleikum, you infidel, Big Mama: Let me please introduce myself—I am one of Osama bin Laden’s wives and we have heard of your blog and your advice column, even in Pakistan, where we are now under house arrest with our many, many children. Of all Osama’s (Allah be praised) wives, I have always been the most sophisticated and forward thinking (as you can see, I speak English very well). Now that “O” is no longer alive to try and take over the world, I am a realist and realize that we wives will need to get jobs to support ourselves and our children, but we have no skills. I have been checking out your American television programs. Most of them are disgusting (what can you expect from infidels, yes?), but I do watch Downton Abbey (what a delicious show about the disgusting British Imperialism), The Oprah Channel (I secretly envy her empowerment as a woman), Desperate Housewives (this gives us all the guilty-pleasure giggles), reruns of Big Love (who knew we had something in common with you Americans?), and select pickings from the Bravo channel and the Food Network. After much thought and careful discussion among the other wives, we’ve come up with an employment plan that may work, and we don’t have to leave the house (which would cause an international incident) to get it done. What if we filmed our lives in our current “house arrest” situation and submitted it for airing on the Bravo channel? We would call it: The Real Housewives of Abbottabad. I am writing to see if you would be our representative with the Jew, Andy Cohen, who produces the housewives series in America. We could do a demo and send it to you to pass along. I have uploaded a picture of our favorite Housewives cast so that you do not get confused as to which one we wish to pattern our show after (the Atlanta ladies have such great swag). I have also included a shot of my sister wives and me so that you can gauge our potential as reality show material. I look forward to your reply. Signed: One of “The Real Housewives of Abbottabad” (TRHA)
The Real Housewives of Atlanta/Cast photo
Wa-Aleikum Aassalaam TRHA: Big Mama doesn’t even know where to begin, child. To be perfectly blunt, I did not like your husband. (No, I did not, girlfriend!) Matter of fact, I had to keep myself from doing the “Jumping Jack Flash” dance of joy when I found out your old man was dead. Since my mama always told me I should never speak ill of the dead because it was bad luck, about the nicest thing I can say about your boo is that he was a horrible bully. (Also, before I forget, I don’t know Andy Cohen or I’d submit my own housewives reality show to him: Big Mamas Who Take No Shit from Terrorists, Bullies, or Otherwise.)
But I am so glad you wrote because Big Mama has a butt-load of questions that I’d like to ask you given recent news reports. I read that three of you wives, eight children, five grandchildren, and support staff all lived in the suburban house that was recently demolished in Pakistan. (Is it true that bin Laden was married 22 times and has 54 children? How did he find time to do anything else but the “nasty” given all those women?) I also read that “First Wife” is a colossal bitch and that she and the youngest wife (Osama’s favorite—is that you?) were the Nene Leakes and the Kim Zolciaks of your own “Real Housewives” scenario. Word on the street is that all the wives bitched and complained so much to bin Laden that he stayed holed up in his room watching hours of endless porno tapes to keep his head from exploding. It is all so delicious and I must tell you that, as an American, I relish the thought that you all tormented your husband’s sorry-ass until he couldn’t think straight. He probably was the one that tipped off the Navy Seals about his own hideout just to have some peace. According to the interviews given to the Pakistanis by all of you, Osama was in terrible health, as well as mentally unstable in his final days. Wow! I guess you do qualify to become a Real Housewife of “fill in the blank.” Good times!
Osama bin Laden/Google Image
Your terrorist bully of a husband is probably thinking by now that Hell is a five-star resort compared to living with his bitching and complaining wives—all under one roof with nowhere to go day, after day, after day, after day. (I’m sorry; I don’t mean to revel in Osama’s misery—but then again, I think I do.)
So what else can I tell you? I don’t have the clout to make you and your “girls” reality stars. Big Mama is not a miracle worker. But you’re probably as much victims of Osama’s bullying as the rest of the people he terrorized around the world which does soften my heart towards you, I must say. My advice to you, baby, is to write a tell-all memoir and live well off the proceeds (Our Lives As Wives With That Son-of-a-Bitch, Bin Laden or He Promised Me the World But All I Got Was This Lousy Burqa). It will be a bestseller, I promise you.
Book Jacket/Google Image
“Limbaugh became a radio powerhouse and a leader of the Republican Party, through withering attacks that rile up his base. . . . This time Limbaugh picked on a soft-spoken young woman no one had ever heard of and mockingly challenged (Sharon) Fluke to post a sex video online. He looked like a bully.” By Howard Kurtz (Why Rush Limbaugh’s Apology for Sandra Fluke ‘Slut’ Remarks Bombed—The Daily Beast)
Dear Big Mama: I am visiting your country from another planet and have been following your American slander gab shows. No offense, but have the people in your country all lost their minds—especially the Conservatives? Who is this person called Rush Limbaugh? You know— the one who flings racist darts at your leader and his family as if they were human piñatas whose bodies he’s trying to poison. Is there any race Mr. Lumbaugh likes other than the white one? This kind of incivility is unheard of on other planets. I had heard of your “American Exceptionalism” on my planet, and I was intrigued and really looking forward to getting to know what that was all about but it seems to breed only arrogance. I googled this Rush Limbaugh and found that Mr. Limbaugh says he talks to God every day. But from what I know of God, I don’t think he is listening, do you? I’m looking forward to your perspective for my travel journal. You are an interesting species, to say the least. Signed: Disappointed in Americans
Dear Disappointed: RL says hateful things about everyone who doesn’t agree with him, and it is all for the Benjamins. Rush is such a bully that an entire political party is scared to death of him. God is listening, alright, Sugar, but I don’t think any of us wants to know how severely he finds us wanting for our hatefulness towards each other. Unfortunately, we have a slew of these bullies, my celestial friend (most claiming to have some type of God connection), except for maybe the mean-spirited, manipulative conservative watch dog, Andrew Breitbart, who just crossed over the “great divide” with a lot of explainin’ to have to do to his Maker for his serial character assassination plots and manipulation of information used to destroy the lives and livelihood of innocent people for sport. If there is a God, Andrew Breitbart should have to serve as Shirley Sherrod’s butler for the first third of eternity. I don’t know about where you come from, Alien-Baby, but evil doesn’t remain status quo forever here. Bullies get their comeuppance in the end ‘cause bad karma sure is a bitch, and it will come back like a boomerang to bite them in the ass when they least expect it.
Snapshot of JC Penney/Ellen DeGeneres Commercial
Dear Traitor to the Name of Jesus, Big Mama: I am one of the One Million Moms who signed up to get JC Penney to drop Ellen DeGeneres as a spokesperson for their company because she does not represent family values and promotes a degenerate lifestyle. But I have noticed that you have refused to join our cause and what is even more maddening is that you have publicly come out in support of this lesbian. Our campaign against JC Penney was a bust because of people like you. And you call yourself a Christian. You should be ashamed of yourself. Well, I’m writing to tell you that unless you repent, you’re going to burn in Hell! Signed: OMM “True Believer”
Dear OMM Bully: Oooooh-kay! Can I suggest you switch to decaf for starters? After you’ve calmed down a bit, Bully-Mommy, I’d like to point out that your group’s name is a “teensy-weensy bit” overstated, so you might want to rein that verbosity in a tad bit. The last time I checked out your website, you had 44,000 “likes” and counting. Not quite 1M. The One Million People for Ellen surpassed your group 5 times and counting within days of its launch. Second, I didn’t see anything anywhere where Ellen DeGeneres or JC Penney said, shop with us and Ellen, and we will give you a 20% coupon to our next, “You too can be gay if you just walk my way” seminar. Finally, “judge not lest ye be judged,” OMM groupie. Ellen’s sexuality is Ellen’s business, not mine or yours. If this is such a big deal with God, why don’t we trust him to have a little chat with Ellen and Portia? Or don’t you trust God to do the right thing? You know what I think? I think you secretly suspect that God doesn’t hate the things you hate. Isn’t that a bitch? In the meantime, Hell ain’t half-full yet, so keep on “actin’ ugly” and we’ll let God be the judge of who wins the race to Heaven.
At this point, JC Penney, Ellen, and me
are happy as hummingbirds in a hibiscus tree.
(Damn, I’m a poet and don’t know it!)
I am discovering that not being liked never killed anybody—how we react to not being liked is the thing that can do us in. I don’t remember a day that passed in my elementary, junior high and high schools when I wasn’t being bullied. It was a rare day when I didn’t cry myself to sleep most nights because I didn’t fit in, wasn’t accepted, wasn’t loved, or was just having the plain ol’ shit beat out of me. Bullies flanked me on my left and right, front and back, top and bottom, home(s) and school(s), playgrounds and alleyways, but I never let them have the final word. The more they tortured me, the more I resolved not to let them win. I encountered my first bully when I was six years old and even at that tender age I instinctively knew that no one else was the “boss of me.” When a caretaker was beating me senseless with a razor strop (thick leather strap used to sharpen straight razors) while she screamed, “I better see some tears or I’ll beat your fat ass into next week,” I determined not to shed a drop of tears, and I didn’t. I still remember the look of fear in that woman’s eyes when she realized a six-year-old, with fury emanating from my dryless eyes like fire bolts, had stood up to her bullying and had won the day.
I am very supportive of the anti-bullying campaign of “It Gets Better,” but it only tells part of the story. When the bullied don’t let the bullies define them, and we chose to live our lives to the fullest in spite of them, then that truly is the best revenge.
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” ~Harvey Fierstein
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