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Hello—You Did What?

02 Mar

Do you know what I’ve discovered?  Over the course of my 63 years of trying to leave my mark on this planet, I have done some really idiotic things.  When I made those dumb choices, I knew better at the time, but I just didn’t stop and think.  By God’s grace I haven’t broken anything on my body, killed anybody inadvertently, or started a gang war, but I‘ve come close to doing all three.

At the moment I’m trying to leave this planet better than the way I came in so I’m really trying to get my act together.  I’m pretty well set on not starting a gang war (limited access to fiery rhetoric and nefarious characters), or killing anybody (my kids are no longer the “you’re getting on Momma’s every last nerve” teenagers who coincided with my menopausal passage of “who in the hell turned down the air conditioner,” so I’m good on that front and we are all safe), but I’m still a little rocky on the potential of breaking something in or on my body and never, ever being able to recover from it.   I feel as if I am the Academy Award winner of things that make my husband and friends stop, scratch their heads, and exclaim:  “Now that deserves a ‘WTF?’ award!”

You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .

…you insist on buying sushi from the Mexican teenager at the second-rate grocery store (“because I love it so much!”)  on a hot summer’s night, and you get parasites that take you eight months to get rid of.

Google Image/The Master Cleanse.com

You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .

…you insist on wearing death-tower heels because you can’t bring yourself to tell the truth about your height (actual height = 5ft; exaggerated height with stiletto heels = 5ft, 5in), and your chubby ass bites the dust every other month by taking a spill down any given set of stairs.

wire image

You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .

…you refuse to read directions about anything (be it “how to run the new washer and dryer to how to work your new iPhone) because your arrogant attitude in life is: “How hard can this shit be!”

Clickipedia Image

Because misery loves company, I decided to do a sample study of all the other people in the world who could be nominees for the “WTF” award and out of thousands of recent candidates (it seems I’m not alone), I chose four, that in comparison, made me feel so much better about myself.  (Now you understand the fascination with reality shows—the dumber they seem, the better we feel about ourselves.)

WTF” NOMINEES FROM FAR AND WIDE

#1.  You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .

…you try to open a bank account (in Brazil!) using a fake ID with the picture of one of the world’s best known actors, Jack Nicholson (Oscar-winning star from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” ”As Good as It Gets,” and “Terms of Endearment”),

AP Image

…but you look nothing like Jack Nicholson!

AP Image

******

#2.  You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .

…you tell your Fox News audience that The Lorax, written 40 years ago by Dr. Seuss, is a liberal “anti-industry” message.  Lou Dobbs said recently that he had “a story you won’t hear anywhere in the liberal national media . . . it involves Hollywood trying to indoctrinate our children.  The President’s liberal friends in Hollywood (are) targeting a younger demographic using animated movies to sell their agenda to children.”

Lou Dobbs, you are in the lead for the “WTF” award, especially if our children grow up to pillage and sack the Earth in the name of industry and consumerism.  Of course, you won’t have to deal with the results because you’ll be dead.  But not to worry, our children can simply go and inhabit the Moon colonies that your pal Newt Gingrich plans on building once he becomes president.

The Lorax by Dr. Seuss/Wikipedia Image

******

#3.  You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .

…you’re Disney World, the land where “when you wish upon a star; makes no difference who you are,” and you put together a fat-shaming interactive campaign for children at EPCOT (Habit Heroes) that pits “righteous” characters such as Will Power and Callie Stenics against enemies such as Snacker, Lead Bottom, and The Glutton.   In a place where all children are supposed to feel safe while their dreams come true, Disney and its partner in crime, Blue Cross/Blue Shield ambush and shame any child sporting a little “jelly,” while giving the skinny-meanies in their midst another bullying tool.  That’s after they all run the gauntlet of Disney’s advertising of “Satisfy your sweet tooth at Storybook Treats” or “Wake up with treats like freshly made funnel cakes and delicious waffle sandwiches,” as the writer Mary Elizabeth Williams so accurately illustrates in her article, “Disney’s Fat-shaming Fail.”   (Have you ever tried to get a healthy snack at Disney in between the caramel apples, pizza, ice cream, deep-fried hot dogs, French fries, fudge, giant cookies, forced-air baking bread smells, etc?)   Sheesh!  Disney, heal thy self!

Handout image via AFP – Getty Images

“You want to promote good health (Disney)? Start by looking at your own sugar and animal fat-laden menus.  And go on by respecting children of all shapes and sizes.  Because they’re the ones who trust in the mouse to see them not as Lead Bottoms and Gluttons but as princesses and pirates.  As beautiful.”  Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon.com

(Three weeks after HabitHeroes.com was launched, it was taken down for maintenance and the exhibit was closed.  No word from the Mouse as to its return.)

******

#4.  You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .

…you are Rihanna and spend $23,000 to fly your hair stylist from NY to London for a “hair emergency” because you go for a swim and a sauna and can’t get your weave untangled.

Rihanna/Google image

Matted hair/waiting on the stylist to arrive

Rihanna, you actually win this week’s “WTF” award because people in the know tell us that the weekend hair extravaganza was not an anomaly.  It has been widely reported that you spend $22,706 a week getting your hair done.  (Man, I need your hair stylist’s job, and FYI—that hair stylist saw you coming.)

Rihanna/Google Image

“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste.” ~M.W. Harrison

I am discovering that I am not alone in the “idiotic choices” department.   We all do stupid shit—it’s called being human—and to survive and grow from these foibles require the ability to look at the person in the mirror, humble ourselves, admit we’re acting the fool, and change our ways.  I am also discovering that to whom much is given, much is required, and corporations like Disney have to look before they leap when dealing with our children’s precious psyches, and people like Rihanna need to go on sabbatical to Somalia for three months out of every year just to get their heads (or weaves) on straight.  In any case, we all need realigning every once and awhile.

It helps when someone loves you in spite of your foibles

******

Thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for the hysterical concept of “You might be a Redneck if. . .” that informed this blog.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
26 Comments

Posted by on March 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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26 responses to “Hello—You Did What?

  1. becomingcliche

    March 2, 2012 at 9:26 am

    What the heck, Disney? I was a fat kid. I would never have been able to watch another Disney movie again. How humiliating!

     
    • etomczyk

      March 2, 2012 at 10:21 am

      I know, BC. You should Google Habit Heroes and read the articles. Doctors are up-in-arms and the exhibition made one blogger burst into tears when she thought of the humiliation that the kids would suffer. I have Celiac disease and the last time I was at Disney for business, I tried to find a snack or a light meal for lunch that was not heavy-laden with sugar, fat, and carbos and I couldn’t find anything. I have coffee for lunch. Even the apples had been dipped in caramel. The hypocrisy is stunning!

       
      • becomingcliche

        March 2, 2012 at 11:09 am

        I’ve been reading everything I can find. If you’ve got a link to that blog, will you send it on? I can’t find it and would really like to read.

         
      • etomczyk

        March 2, 2012 at 11:13 am

        BC: Check out Salon.com (Disney’s fat-shaming fail), the blog Weighty Matters by Dr. Yoni Freedhoff (article in the Calgary Herald), and blog “Dances with Fat” y Ragen Chastain (“Disney’s Fat Shame Ride”).

         
  2. imagesbytdashfield

    March 2, 2012 at 9:43 am

    You and I apparently read the same articles because upon reading your as always funny as chit blog, I says out loud “Hey! That’s Kanye’s expensive azz shoes!” and that is the dumbazz trying to pass himself off as Jack. Well, if you squint a bit and claim bloating…..LOL. The World of Coca Cola in ATL is doing the same thing as Disney tried with extolling exercise all the while shilling sugar water. Getting your weave tightened had me cracking up. I wish! And now I know about you and sushi but……nah! I will not say what I’m thinking but you know what it probably is.

     
    • etomczyk

      March 2, 2012 at 10:27 am

      Hi T. I love that expression, “funny as chit.” What does it mean? Aren’t those shoes a hoot? I don’t have that pair but I am embarrased to tell you about the ones I do have. I just can’t admit I can no longer strut my stuff in those types of shoes.

      I had forgotten that I had “lusted” after the pictures of your sushi. Now you know; except you really don’t know. You can only guess, but imagine it 10 times worse than what you’re thinking. I’ve been tempted to write a blog on the experience many times, but I can’t find the right words that wouldn’t send my writers screaming into the night. It is a very, very humiliating and funny story.

       
  3. Sondra

    March 2, 2012 at 10:25 am

    I can not tell you how many times a day that I say WTF…keep these coming we seem to be living in the theater of the absurd!

     
    • etomczyk

      March 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

      Hey Sondra. I was just thinking about you! Hope all is well.

      I know–isn’t it crazy out there? I had included Santorum in this blog piece but I came off much too angry. I need to get calm before I can “roast” him. Take care. E

       
      • paintingsbysondra

        March 2, 2012 at 4:29 pm

        I think that would take another 100 years before I would be calm enough! I am not sure what I am more angry about….his (Santorum’s) regard for women, his views on what stewardship is or….the list just keeps going along with my blood pressure!

         
  4. Hudson Howl

    March 2, 2012 at 10:36 am

    ET, yet another thought provoking Exposé into the realm of what we humans do.

    ET, upon turning 50 a couple years ago, my accumulated mass of WTF Awards was so intensive, that there was no choice but to stop accepting to allow others the chance to shine in the limelight. At the time I gladly passed the ‘?’ torch over, frankly the body did not have ‘it’ in it, to heal it’s self from the dumb shtufffs I did. Yeh, I still do award worthy ‘dam it all’ moments. But now I can claim to suffer ‘memory intolerance’ -it is a gift to forget what it was I did the day before (shhhh – I don’t really forget I just drop a rug over it).

    Your right (as per) and to me there seems to be increase muttering of WFT in this era of sensitivity and the desire to do the correct thing. Here is brief account to a WFT moment that sprung on the news media yesterday near me.

    A four year old child made a drawing at school of her father holding a gun – let me clarify. A four year old child -repeat, a 4 year old drew a crayon scribble drawing of her father .

    The school called the authorities (just a hint of WTF at this point). Social Services immediately took custody of the child and other children in the home. Police entered the home, without a search warrant as they were acting in the interest of the safety of the children. Arrested the father, strip searched him. Upon searching the family, no guns were found accept a clear plastic childs’ toy and upon concluding there investigation released the father.

    This story has created so many WTF’s on so many levels here. It will be some time before it will be know if this a truly a WTF moment(s) or just a cases of people wanting to do the right thing but maybe it should have went down a tad differently.

     
    • etomczyk

      March 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

      Hudson. I’m with you, my man. I have so many WTF’s that I have categories for them (the ones i can admit out loud and the ones that must never be spoken, which is why I’m glad there is a forgiving God). Life is rough and you can’t get through it without a few of those plaques on the wall!

      I’m so conflicted about that story about the toy gun and reminded of the man who axed his children and blew up his house with all of them in it right after the social worker had dropped the kids off for a visit. Remember that story–it happened about a month ago. I could see both sides of this coin and the police were probably motivated by the story I just cited because everyone connected with that one is saying, “if only.”

      I’ve got another one for you: a white man (in his 50’s) is carrying a young black girl on his shoulders (she’s 6), and a passer-byer calls the police to report a kidnapping in progress. Police completely surround the man, snatch the child from him (traumatizing her), and it took eons to finally prove to the po-po that he was her grandfather picking her up from school. The po-po let him go and 10 minutes later other policemen confront him. The family is beside themselves and the little girl is traumatized. Yet kids go missing every day because someone didn’t act quicky enough. These are trying times we live in, my friend and not easy ones to interpret. Take care.

       
      • Hudson Howl

        March 2, 2012 at 1:00 pm

        I do remember that story, as it made the News medias here as well. A sad, tragic story which resulted in much finger pointing I gather in it’s aftermath. As well as a great deal of soul searching by many connected, who felt they should have done more, should have seen the potential for harm.. And I get your drift regarding the other real life drama.

        There are those knee-jerk WTF’s which happen that are involuntary reactions. Yet often the focus is on the WTF , when really it is deserving of well meaning and constructive attention.

        You said it best, ” I’m trying to leave this planet better than the way I came in “. Try is all anyone of us can be asked to do and to ask of oneself. There are no guarantees of success. But not to ‘try’…now that would a gargantuan WTF.

        Sorry for rambling, but you prodded me and I awoke an rightly so. You wise ol’ fox you.

         
  5. talesfromthemotherland

    March 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    As always, you have provided me with my morning laugh, and some great food for thought. I love that you follow all of this, and are addicted to the news crawls, so that I can read your posts and get it all in one great catch up moment! There are far too many WTF moments to even itemize in my life, and around me. As you will see in my current post, I’m working on the F anyway… which leads me to this: I’ve nominated you for the Awesome Blog Content (ABC) award. Please visit my current post for the details: http://talesfromthemotherland.me/2012/03/02/u-n-moments-and-the-abcs-of-me/
    Congratulations, and have a fantastic weekend!

     
    • etomczyk

      March 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm

      Hi Dawn. Thanks so, so much for thinking of me and nominating me for the ABC award. I am really touched and so thrilled that you take the time to read my musings or ramblings, as they may be. Your blog continues to be one of my favorites because it is so well written and very funny. A lot of baby-boomers claim to have Erma Bombeck’s voice in their writing, but yours is spot on. I can hear her voice when you talk about your international household. Funny stuff. Have a great weekend, as well.

       
  6. composerinthegarden

    March 3, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Wise and funny, my dear – you are it!

     
    • etomczyk

      March 4, 2012 at 8:46 am

      Thanks Lynn. So honored that you take the time to read my “stuff” with your busy schedule. Have a great week.

       
  7. DesiValentine

    March 3, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    The Lorax?!?! My politics fall well left of centre, and the Lorax has always been one of my favourite stories but, c’mon now. Also? I just spent 30 minutes fighting with a play-tent, then had it almost completely repackaged to return to the store as defective, when I finally glimpsed the instructions and did one of those “ooooooh” face-palm kind of things. WTF, indeed!

     
    • etomczyk

      March 4, 2012 at 8:53 am

      Hi Desi. Thanks for stopping by. That direction thing is my Achilles Heel. It’s my temperment. I will get you to the goal post via the fastest way possible and directions slow me down. Fortunately, I’m married to a man that notices everything and reads everything. I’m afraid that has also made me a bit lazy because I know he’ll read the directions so I don’t have to. He’s finally caught on to me and now just hands me the direction book to whatever and smiles. Ugh!

       
  8. aFrankAngle

    March 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I know you are very creative, so I ask this question – You are make this stuff up – right?

     
    • etomczyk

      March 5, 2012 at 7:25 pm

      Frank, not a jot or tiddle is made up. If anything the stuff is understated. I wish I could tell the parasite story in its entirety. It is absolutely hilarious, but I’m afraid my readers would abandon me because they’d be so grossed out. It’s one of the many times I found out how much my husband really loves me because it wasn’t pretty–I lost all sense of pride! The high-heel face plants are my signature move and everyone from the IT department to my boss has witnessed my “splats.” The week before last when I spoke of the campus take-over and the fried chicken that was played down because there are too many layers to put in a blog, but it all happened and it almost altered my life irrevicably. Just think of me as a chocolate Lucille Ball. That’s why I’ve written a book because I can put everything onto context. I have had a very “colorful” (no pun intended) life, which is why I laugh a lot (if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry) and love God even more than a lot. I have what the old-timers used to call a “mighty fine testimony,” which is also why I love deeply: to whom much is given, much is required and I’ve been given a lot of grace given my sorry-ass antics. All the best.

       
      • aFrankAngle

        March 5, 2012 at 9:19 pm

        Wow … you didn’t think I was pulling your leg! 🙂

         
      • etomczyk

        March 6, 2012 at 12:40 am

        No, but I did think you were asking a legitimate question which I respect. You’re one of my favorite readers that I hope to meet someday, so I think whatever you ask deserves a direct and thorough answer. (Besides, it didn’t have a “smiley face” so I knew you were being serious!) Now I’ve got to figure out what to expose about myself this week 🙂

         
  9. Lindy Lee

    March 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

     
  10. An Observant Mind

    April 23, 2012 at 12:45 am

    Hilarious! I too do stupid shit – more often then I would like to admit, but less often than I used to (but that may have something to do with me drasticalylshanging my definition of ‘stupid’ over the years).

     
    • etomczyk

      April 23, 2012 at 8:52 pm

      Karyn: I do less stupid things too but I think it is because we get wiser when we get older. Consequently, we’re less impulsive, less talkative, less prone to being judgmental–all of which can cause wrong-headed decisions. At least I like to think I’m getting better at life. Cheers!

       
  11. RabidLeroy

    June 17, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Speaking of the WTF awards, apparently Epcot may have ended up getting one, some they closed down Wonders of Life (a previously successful pavilion focused on life and health, but much broader and less insulting). Habit Heroes has closed, so only time will tell if something worthwhile will invade its space…

     

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